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KEY,   MIELKE,  &  BIDDLE, 


NO.  181  MARKET  STREET, 


PUBLISH  THE  FOLLOWING  NEW  AND  POPULAR  WORKS. 


AMERICAN  REVOLUTION  (Tales 
of.)  By  Lambert  Lilly,  Schoolmaster. 

Messrs.  Key,  Mielke,  &  Eidflle,  of  this 
city,  have  published  in  a  small  volume 
*'The  Story  of  the  American  Revolution 
written  inthe  style  of  Pettr  Parley,  and 
imbodying,  in  a  pleasing  style  for  chil- 
dren, the  leading  facts  of  our  nations- 
struggle  for  independence.  The  object  of 
the  writer  in  furnishing  such  a  work,  was 
to  secure  from  children  the  same  attention 
to  truth  and  iniportant  historical  facts, 
which  they  are  always  ready  to  give  to 
fiction  of  the  most  improbable  kind.  Ap 
parently,  the  writer  "has  been  very  sue 
cessful,'  and  secured  a  good  reception 
for  his  proposed  work  on  American  His 
toty.— United  States  Gazette. 

BRIDGES  SOUTHERN  &  WESTERN 
CALCULATOR :  and  KEY  to  the  same, 
for  Teachers. 

This  is  intended  for  an  Arithmetic  of 
actual  business.  It  is  adapted  to  the  cur 
rency  of  this  country,  and  furnishes,  in 
addition  to  all  the  matter  usually  con 
lainod  in  treatises  of  the  kind,  a  great 
variety  of  forms  of  bills,  accounts,  notes, 
&:c.  and  a  concise  treatise  on  Mensura- 
tion ;  and  also  a  system  of  Book-keeping. 

BRIDGE'S  ALGEBRA— In  this  work 
the  hitherto  abstract  and  difficult  Science 
of  Algebra  is  simplified  and  illustrated 
so  as  to  be  attainable  by  the  younger  class 
of  learners,  and  by  those  who  have  not 
the  aid  of  a  teacher. 

BLAIRS  LECTURES  ON  RHETORIC, 
18mo.  with  Questions  for  the  use  of 
Schools. 

BICKERSTETH  ON  PRAYER,  design- 
ed to  assist  in  the  Devout  Discharge  of 
that  Duty,  18mo.    New  edition. 

Tie  sale  of  tliis  little  work  has  been 


so  extensive  as  to  induce  the  publishers  to 
stereotype  it  in  a  neater  and  yet  a  cheaper 
form.  No  works  are  read  with  more  in- 
terest, in  England,  than  Dr.  Bickersteth's. 

BICKERSTETH  ON  THE  LORDS 
SUPPER,  Ij^nio.  New  Edition. 

This  Treatise  is  so  very  popular  that 
it  is  deemed  useless  to  make  any  remarks. 

COURSE  OF  TIME,  a  Poem.  By  Ro- 
bert  Pollock,  A.  M.  With  an  Engraving 
of  the  Author,  a  Memoir  of  his  Life  and 
Writings,  and  Arguments  of  each  of  the 
Ten  Books  into  which  the  Poem  is  di- 
vided. In  1  vol.  ]8mo.,  with  a  variety  of 
bindings.  This  edition  is  the  most  ele- 
gant one  ever  offered  to  the  Americaa 
public.  Whilst  it  is  conveniently  portable, 
it  is  printed  with  a  type  so  clear  and  open, 
that  the  weakest  and  oldest  eyes  can  read 
its  pages  with  gratification  and  comfort. ; 

"  The  enthusiastic  approbation  of  the 
English  Eclectic  Review  first  awakened 
interest  respecting  it  in  this  country,  and 
prepared  the  way  for  its  eager  reception. 
It  has  since  then  been  reviewed  fully  in 
the  Spirit  of  the  Pilgrims,  the  Southern 
Quarterly,  and  the  Western  Rev.,  by  eacll 
of  which  its  high  merit  is  acknowledged. 

"  The  name  of  the  author  will  hereafter 
be  associated  with  those  of  the  noblest 
bards  of  England ;  and  even  cold  and  care- 
less readers  will  often  mention  it  together 
with  Cowper  and  Milton." 

DIALOGUES  OF  DEVILS  on  the  many 
vices  which  abound  in  the  civil  and  reli- 
gious world.  By  the  Rev.  John  Macgow- 
an,  V.  D.  M.,  late  minister  of  the  Gospel, 
Devonshire  Square,  London. 

EARLY  HISTORY  of  the  SOUTH- 
ERN STATES,  Virginia,  North  andSouth 
Carolina,  and  Georgia.  Illustrated  by 
tales,  sketches^  anecdotes,  and  adveu* 


New  Publications. 


tures;  with  numerous  engravings.  By 
Lambert  Lilly,  Schoolmaster,  author  of 
Tales  of  American  Revolution,  History 
of  New  England,  &c. 

FOX'S  BOOK  OF  MARTYRS.  A  Uni- 
versal ftistory  of  Christian  Martyrdom  ; 
from  the  birth  of  our  blessed  Saviour  to 
the  latest  periods  of  persecution.  Origin- 
ally composed  by  the  Rev.  John  Fo.x,  A. 
M.,  and  now  corrected  throughout :  with 
copious  and  important  additions  relative 
to  the  recent  persecutions  in  the  south  of 
France.  In  2  vols.  8vo.  CO  Engrav.  beau- 
tifully printed  on  fine  and  remarkably 
strong  paper.  Being  the  only  complete 
and  unmutilated  edition  of  this  work 
ever  presented  to  the  American  public. 
Embellished  with  a  portrait  of  the  vene- 
rable Fo.v,  and  sixty  engravings  illustra- 
tive of  the  sufferings  of  the  Martyrs  in 
all  ages  of  the  world. 

"  We  commend  the  enterprise  of  the 
publishers,  which  has  induced  them  to 
incur  the  heavy  expense  requisite  for  the 
production  of  this  costly  and  elegant  book. 
They  have  thereby  rendered  a  service 
the  cause  of  true  Christianity;  and  we 
cannot  doubt  that  they  v/ill  meet  with 
ample  remuneration  in  the  approbation 
of  the  public.  An  additional  recommend- 
ation is  furnished  in  the  extreme  lowntsf 
of  the  price,  thereby  rendering  the  book 
accessible  to  the  pocket  of  every  class  of 
Christians.  It  is  a  work  of  intense  inte- 
rest; and  whether  as  a  volume  of  Ecclesi- 
astical History,  or  for  occasional  perusal, 
richly  merits  a  place  on  tire  shelves  of 
every  family  library." 

GUY  ON  ASTRONOMY,  and  an 
Abridgment  of  KEITH  on  the  GLOBES. 

A  School  Book  of  this  sort  has  long 
been  a  desideratum  in  our  seminaries 
It  comprises  a  popular  Treatise  of  Astron- 
omy; together  with  the  admirably  clear 
definitions,  and  nearly  all  the  problems  of 
Keith.  The  whole  is  contained  in  a  neat 
volume,  and  afforded  at  a  very  low-  price 

The  Boston  Traveller  speaks  in  the  fol- 
lowing terms  of  the  above  work  : — 

Teachers  differ  very  much  in  opinion 
as  to  the  proper  extent  of  text  books  ;  some 
prefer  a  volume  containing  the  full  details 
of  a  branch  of  stiuly,  while  others  think 
a  bare  outline  will  make  deeper  impres- 
sion, and  be  longer  remembered.  The  first 
American  edition  of  (Juy's  elements  of 
Astronomy,  published  by  Key  and  Mielke, 
Philadelphia,  seems  tu  "be  constructed  on 
a  plan  to  meet  tlio  views  of  both  these 
classes  of  instructors,  and  to  be  a  desi- 
deratum among  all.  By  a  simplicity  in 
arrangement,  and  a  distinction  in  type, 
there  is  imbodied,  in  a  handsome  volume, 
a  connected  outline  for  those  who  wish 
not  to  pursue  details,  ami  a  full  treatise 


on  the  interesting  and  sublime  science, 
for  such  as  are  not  contented  with  a 
meagre  abridgment.  The  book  is  thus 
adapted  to  pupils  of  different  classes,  ca- 
pacities and  ages;  and  is  valuable  on 
the  score  of  economy,  as  it  can  be  handed 
down  from  the  older  to  the  younger 
branches  of  the  same  family,  or  vice  ver- 
To  the  part  on  astronomy,  is  added 
a  compendium  of  Keith  on  the  Use  of 
Globes,  which  contains  the  extensive  and 
clear  definitions  of  that  writer,  including 
every  thing  which  is  necessary  for  a 
thorough  knowledge  of  the  structure,  de- 
sign, and  use  of  the  globes,  and  nearly  all 
of  Keith's  problems. 

HUGHS'  NEW  AMERICAN  SPEAK- 
ER ;  being  a  selection  of  Speeches,  Dia- 
logues, and  Poetry,  for  the  use  of  Schools. 

A  rich  collection  of  pieces  from  some 
of  the  first  writers  in  the  English  lan- 
guage, furnishing  a  most  abundant  sup- 
ply of  exercises  in  elocution  and  decla- 
mation. It  should  find  admission  into 
every  academy,  college,  and  high  school, 
where  it  is  an  object  to  form  the  taste 
as  well  as  teach  the  art  of  Speaking. 
From  the  Pennsylvania  Inquirer, 
Nov.  y,  1831. 

The  American  Speaker. — This  is  a  se- 
lection of  pieces  in  prose  and  verse,  in- 
tended for  recitation,  comprised  in  a  neat 
volume  of  upwards  of  200  pages ;  and  we 
can  say  that  it  is  by  far  the  best  book  of 
the  kind  we  have  ever  met  with.  As  a 
school  book  it  has  high  claims,  both  as 
regards  the  beauty,  elegance,  and  point 
of  the  selections,  ai.d  fine  tone  of  morality 
which  pervades  the  whole;  so  that  the 
moral  and  literary  taste  of  the  scholar 
cannot  fail  to  be  improved.  The  selec- 
tions are  for  the  most  part  new,  and  Mr. 
Hughs  has  judiciously  culled  largely  from 
American  authors.  We  have  specimens 
from  Hopkinson,  Webster.  Hayne,  Clay, 
Wirt,  Jefferson,  P.  Henry,  Randolph, 
Ames,  Payne,  Brown,  Morris,  Bryant,  and 
others  of  distinguished  name  among  our 
native  writers.  We  cannot  help  noticing, 
with  iwrticular  praise,  the  dialogues  in 
this  volume ;  they  are  excellent  specimens 
of  that  difiicult,  department  of  literature 
and  well  adapted  for  school  exercises. 
We  take  great  pleasure  in  recommending 
this  volume  to  the  attention  of  the  public, 
and  particularly  the  teachers  throughout 
our  country. 

HISTORY  OF  NEW  ENGLAND,  illus- 
trated by  Tales,  Sketches,  Anecdotes,  and 
Adventures,  with  numerous  engravings. 
By  liUmbert  Lilly,  Schoolmaster. 

This  is  the  second  volume  in  the  series 
of  works  on  American  History,  in  the 
course  of  publication  by  Key,  Mielke,  & 
Diddle,  and  eminently  calculated  to  take 


New  Publications. 


the  place  of  fictitious  works  designeJ  foi 
youth.  The  author,  who  assumes  the 
name  of  Lambert  Lilly,  is  a  Xew  Euglaml 
man,  well  versed  in  anticiuarian  stores; 
who  has  woven  into  his  narrative  tht- 
most  memorable  events  in  our  eventful 
history,  and  illustrated  tliem  by  engrav- 
ings of  a  striking  and  appropriate  charac- 
ter. This  cheap  and  entertaining  set  of 
historical  reminiscences  will  be  a  desira- 
ble acquisition  to  the  library  of  every 
master  and  miss;  and  there  is  scarcely 
one,  in  any  condition  of  life,  who  cannot 
afford  it. 

JOHNSONS  ADAMS'  LATIN  AND 
ENGLISH  GilAMMAK,  with  numerou^ 
expansions  and  additions,  designed  to 
make  the  work  more  elementary  and 
complete,  and  to  facilitate  the  acquisition 
of  a  thorough  knowledge  of  the  Latin 
language. 

LIFE  OF  OUR  BLESSED  LORD  AND 
SAVIOUR  JESUS  CHRIST.  By  Jeremy 
Taylor,  D.  D.  Vicar  of  Grasbury,  Brecon. 

LARREY  ON  WOUNDS  GENERAL- 
LY :  AND  THE  DISEASES  AND  INJU- 
RIES OF  THE  HEAD.  Observations  on 
Wounds,  and  on  the  Principal  Di.seases 
and  Injuries  of  the  Head ;  from  the  French 
of  Baron  D.  J.-  Larrey,  late  Surgeon-in- 
chief  of  the  Grand  Army  in  Russia,  &c. 

"  The  ori;rinal  of  this  work  has  been  re- 
ceived in  France  with  signal  approbation. 
The  author,  ever  since  the  campaigns  of 
Napoleon  Bonaparte  in  Italy,  Egypt,  &c. 
to  the  present  day,  has  been  acting  in  a 
prominent  capacity  of  his  profession,  and 
thus  has  enjoyed  probably  more  oppor- 
tunities for  the  most  extensive  observa- 
tion and  experience  than  any  other  living 
surgeon.  Greatly  distinguished  for  his  ac- 
curacy and  keenness  of  observation,  for 
the    originality    and    soundness    of   his 

views,  as  well  as  for  the  perspicuity  of  hisjoriginal  Selection  of  References  to  Paral- 
thoughts,  and  the  lively  manner  of  con-llel  and  Illustrative  Passages,  exhibited 
veying  them  to  the  reader's  mind,  he  has  in  a  manneijiitherto  unattempted. 
rendered  an  eminent  service  to  the  pro-j  This  edition  is  the  most  elegant  and 
fession  of  his  country,  by  publishing  the;useful  of  all  the  Pocket  editions  of  the  En- 
results  of  his  experience,  the  advantages  rrlish  Bible;  and  contains  a  new  selec- 
of  which,  through  the  translation  about'tion  of  upwards  of  tJO.OOO  references  to 
to  be  published."  will  be  extended  to  hislpassages  that  are  really  parallel.  It  is 
medical  and  surgical  brethren  on  this  side  beautifully  printed  on  superfine  paper, 
thS  Atlantic.  Some  of  the  facts  and  opi-jand  embellished  with  Four  superb  Steel 
nions  deduced  therefrom,  which  had  been  Engravings.  It  will  be  furnished  to  piir- 
curiously  and  inccdierently  recorded  in  hisjchasers  in  every  style  of  binding  ;  but  the 
'  Memoirs  on  Military  Surgery,'  he  has  quality  of  the  paper  and  the  printing  will 
revised,  and  systematically  arranged,  so  be  always  the  same. 


OUTLINES  OF  UNIVERSAL  HIS- 
TORY :  embracing  a  concise  history  of 
the  world,  from  the  earliest  period  to  the 
present  lime,  arranged  so  that  the  whole 
may  be  studied  by  periods,  or  the  history 
of  any  country  may  be  read  by  itself. 
To  which  are  added  tabular  views  of 
royal  dynasties  and  of  eminent  persons, 
a  chronological  view  of  important  events, 
and  Questions  for  examination  of  stu- 
dents.   Edited  by  John  Frost  of  Philad. 

This  work  is  recommended  in  terms  of 
unqualified  approbation  by  Messrs.  John 
IM.  Brewer,  and  S.  C.  Walker,  both  emi- 
nent teachers  of  this  city. 

PRACTICAL  READING  LESSONS, 
on  the  Tlnee  Great  Duties  which  Man 
owes  to  his  Maker,  his  fellow-beings, 
and  himself;  illustrated  by  numerous  in- 
teresting Historical  Anecdotes,  Biograph- 
ical Sketches,  &c.  Intended  for  the  in- 
struction and  amusement  of  youth. 

This  work  is  recommended  to  Teach- 
ers, in  very  strong  terms,  by  the  Hon. 
Joseph  Hopkinson,  Rev.  W.  H.  De  Lan- 
cey,  D.  D.,  Rev.  G.  R.  Livingston,  D.  D., 
Rev.  Edw.  Rutledge,  Walter  R.  Johnson, 
Esq.,  Benjamin  Tucker,  Rev.  Samuel  Ec- 
cleston.  Rev.  William  Nevins,  Rev.  Wil- 
liam E.  Wyatt,  D.  D.,  Mr.  Joseph  R. 
Chandler,  and  3Ir.  S.  S.  Griscom. 

PHILOSOPHY  OF  RELIGION  ;  or  an 
Illustration  of  the  Moral  Laws  of  the 
Universe.  By  Thomas  Dick,  author  of  the 
Christian  Philosopher  and  Philosophy  of  a 
Future  State. 

"  Knowledge  is  power."— Zortf  Bacon. 
"  Love  is  the  fulfilling  of  the  law."— Pau/. 

Tlie  most  Splendid  Pocket  Bible  extant. 

THE  ENGLISH  VERSION  OF  THE 
POLYGLOT  BIBLE,  containing  the  Old 
and  New  Testaments  ;  with  the  Marginal 
Readings:  together  with  a  copious  and 


as  to  supplant  the  last  mentioned  work 
as  the  author  himself  gives  plainly  to  un- 
derstand, so  far,  at  least,  as  the  surgical 
doctrines  relative  to  the  above  '  Diseases 
and  Injuries  of  the  Head'  may  be  con- 
cerned." 


Recom  men  dations. 

Philadelphia,  June  1831. 
Messrs.  Key  &  Mielke : 

Dear  Sirs— It  has  given  us  great  pleas- 
ure to  see  that  you  have  given  to  the  pub- 
lic, a  neat,  correct,  and  elegant  Stereotype 


New  Publications. 


copy  of  the  English  Polyplot  Pocket  Bi 
ble,  with  its  marginal  references  and 
readings  in  a  middle  column. 

We  are  satisfied,  after  a  careful  review 
of  this  work,  that  the  marginal  referenci^s 
and  readings  are  more  correct  and  useful 
for  all  common  purposes,  than  any  otlier 
Bible  extant.  Those  of  Canne,  Scott, 
Brown,  Blaney,  Ostervald,  and  others,  are 
too  numerous,  and  many  of  them  entirely 
useless  to  the  Christian  in  the  closet,  or 
the  scholar  in  the  class;  and  are  unpleas 
ant  and  unprofitable  when  crowded  into 
the  margins  of  a  Pocket  Bible,— while 
those  of  the  Polyglot  are  few,  yet  con- 
taining all  that  is  highly  important,  anil 
by  a  very  ingenious  arrangement,  are 
placed  without  confusion  in  a  small  mid- 
dle column,  without  injuring  or  obscuring 
the  face  of  the  page. 

The  English  copies  of  this  Bible  are 
too  broad  and  long  for  convenient  use,  and 
the  price  is  too  high  for  common  use.  Bui 
your  arrangement,  in  reducing  both  the 
page  and  the  price,  and  yet  retaining  al' 
the  benefit  and  beauty  of  the  liihle,  enii 
ties  you  to  the  merit  of  having  put  intf 
the  hands  of  the  youth  of  your  country,  a 
Reference  Bible  every  way  suited  to  the 
Closet,  the  Sabbath  School,  and  the  Bible 
Class.  Your  stereotype  plates  being  sutii- 
ciently  accurate,  as  we  confidently  believe 
they  are,  you  cannot,  and  should  not  fail 
of  commanding  a  most  extensive  sale 
The  necessities  and  convenience  of  the 
whole  community  call  loudly  for  an  Ame 
rican  edition  of  this  valuable  and  well 
prepared  Bible. 

Wishing  you  all  possible  success  in  your 
most  praiseworthy  efforts,  and  full  renni 
neration  for  your  risks,  and  cares,  and 
labours — We  remain,  dear  Sirs,  your 
friends,  and  servants  of  the  Gospel, 

THOS.  MAULEY, 
Pastor  of  the  Tenth  Presbyterian  Church 

G.  T.  BEDELL, 
Rector  of  St.  Andrews  Episcopal  Church. 

STEPIIEIV  H.  TVNG, 
Rector  of  St.  Paul's  Ei)isr(ipal  Church 

JOf^.  SANFOIM), 
Pastor  of  the  Third  I'reslivtirian  Church. 

W. 'J'.  IIKANTLY, 
Pastor  of  the  First  Haptisi  Church. 

THUS.  II.  SKLNNEll,  D.  D 
Pastor  of  the  Si.\th  Presbvtfrian  Church 

THOS.  sarVjlnt, 

Pastor  of  St.  George's  Meth.  Epis.  Ch. 

Not  having  had  time  to  take  that  "  care- 
ful review  of  this  work,"  and  that  compa 
risen  of  its  marginal  readings  with  those 
ofScott,  Brown,  Blaney,  &c.,  which  would 
render  it  proper  for  me  to  add  my  name  to 
the  names  of  the  respectable  brethren  sub 
scribed  to  the  extended  certificate,  I  can 
Btill  ffay,  without  hesitation,  that  I  know 
of  no  Pocket  Bible  comparable  to  this ;  and 


am  satisfied  that  it  is  without  a  rival  in 
this  country.  A  liberal  public  will,  I  trust, 
grant  a  liberal  patronage  to  the  enter- 
prising editors. 

ASHBEL  GREEN, 
Latie  President  of  Princeton  Theo.  Sem. 
Philadelphia,  July  4,  ld31. 

PA  LEY'S  EVIDENCES  OF  CHRISTI- 
ANITY, with  a  portrait  of  the  author  on 
steel ;  and  also  his  Life  from  an  able  pen. 
In  1  vol.  18mo.  This  incomparable  work 
is  now,  for  the  first  time,  presented  to  the 
American  public  in  the  pocket  form. 

The  pious  and  philanthropic  Douglas  of 
Scotland,  in  a  late  work,  expresses  it  as 
his  opinion,  that  Euclid's  Element's  and 
Paley's  Evidences,  are  the  only  two  trea- 
tises which  are  perfectly  adapted  to  the 
business  of  elementary  instruction.  This 
opinion  from  a  mind  so  comprehensive, 
and  so  highly  gifted  as  that  of  the  gentle- 
man above  mentioned,  cannot  but  recom- 
mend this  work  to  the  careful  perusal  of 
all  such  persons  as  wish  for  full  informa- 
tion and  complete  satisfaction  on  this 
momentous  subject. — Rev.  Dr.  Alexander, 
Princeton,  J\r.  J. 

PARLEY'S  GEOGRAPHY  FOR 
CHILDREN. 

From  the  Journal  of  Education. 

This  work  is  well  calculated  to  answer 
the  purpose  for  which  it  is  written,  viz. 
to  teach  the  first  steps  in  Geography. 
Such  a  work  is  much  wanted,  there  being 
no  one,  either  expressly  designed  for,  or 
suited  to  this  end.  There  are  several  val- 
uable works  for  more  advanced  scholars, 
hilt  none  that  is  calculaterl  to  help  the  child 
--asily  and  agreeably  over  the  somewhat 
diliicult  grounds  which  lie  between  the 
primary  reading  lessons,  and  tliis  popular 
and  useful  portion  of  juvenile  study. 

SINGERS  OWN  BOOK.  A  well  se- 
lected collection  of  the  most  popular  Sen- 
timental, Amatory,  Patriotic,  Naval,  and 
Comic  Songs. 

In  presenting  this  collection  of  Songa 
to  the  public,  the  publishers  would  beg 
leave  to  state  that  no  expense  has  been 
spared  to  render  it  every  way  superior  to 
any  work  of  the  kind  that  has  hitherto 
been  presented  to  the  American  public. 
No  songs  have  been  adniitted  that  do  not 
claim  the  title  of  7nerit,  either  in  compo- 
sition or  in  air. 

The  Boston  American  Traveller  speaks 
of  the  above  work  in  the  following  terms  : 

We  have  seen  this  new  collection  of 
songs  mentioned  in  terms  of  praise  by 
several  of  our  Southern  cotemporaries; 
but  it  is  only  within  a  day  or  two  that 
we  have  had  opportunity  to  examine  for 
ourselves  the  beautiful  little  volume  con- 
itaining  them,  arul  to  corroborate  the  opi- 
nions so  unqualifiedly  expressed  by  owe 


THE 


DIALOGUES  OF  DEVILS, 


MANY  VICES  WHICH  ABOUND  IN  THE  CIVIL  AND  RELIGI 
OUS  WORLD. 


— r 

/ 


REV.  JOHN  MACGOWAN,  V.  D.  M. 

LATE  MINISTER  OF  THE  GOSPEL,  DEVOXSHIRE   SQUARE,  LOXDON. 


KEY,  MIELKE  6c  BIDDLE— 181  MARKET  STREET. 

1832. 


PUdliCLIbRAlv; 

I       A9Tnp.,  LE^rx  and 
I     TJcO.-^    ■■'•■■     ■■^TlOi.S. 


INTRODUCTION 


Nothing  can  be  more  various  and  opposite  than  the 
opinions  of  mankind,  respecting  the  influence  and  agency 
of  infernal  spirits.  Some  continually  tlirow  the  blame  of 
their  vices  upon  the  poor  devil.  Take  their  word  for  it,  and 
they  are  upon  all  occasions  the  uinocent  dupes  to  his  subtilty 
and  malice.  They  represent  him  as  the  prime  agent  in  all 
their  complicated  schemes  of  wickedness ;  and  would  fain 
persuEide  us  that,  so  far  from  being  the  objects  of  our  just 
aversion,  they  deserve  all  our  commiseration  and  pity.  From 
such  representations  one  would  be  tempted  to  think,  that  if 
malicious  and  busy  devils  did  but  stay  in  their  own  country, 
mankind  would  be  as  harmless  as  lambs,  and  every  species 
of  wickedness  be  soon  banished  from  our  then  agreeable 
world. 

Others  tliere  be,  who  fall  into  the  opposite  extreme,  and 
with  all  their  power  endeavor  to  clear  the  devil  of  the  slan- 
ders thrown  upon  him.  Whether  he  hath  retained  them  as  his 
advocates  I  pretend  not  to  say :  but  they  tell  you  that  he  has 
no  hand  in  all  the  wickedness  committed  under  the  sun ;  that 
it  is  impossible  he  should  have  any  influence  on  the  minds 
and  manners  of  men.  Nay,  some  go  farther  still,  even  doubt 
of  his  very  existence,  and  are  confident  that  all  their  wick- 
edness ariseth  from  another  quarter. 

My  mind,  I  must  confess,  was  long  agitated  between  these 
widely  diflerent  opinions :  now  I  verged  towards  the  one," 
now  towards  the  other  extreme ;  and  for  a  long  time  con- 
tmued  in  such  painful  suspense,  that  I  would  have  given  a 
world  to  have  been  satisfied  in  a  matter  of  such  vast  import- 
ance in  human  life.  But  at  length  I  obtained  a  full  and 
fiflost  convincing  discovery  of  this  very  intricate  aflfair,  and 


IV  INTRODUCTION. 

let  wlio  will  deny  it,  I  am  perfectly  satisfied  that,  however 
justly  the  guilt  of  men  may  be  charged  on  their  own  cor- 
ruptions, infernal  spirits  do  exist ;  and  are  fully  employed  in 
forwarding-  their  wicked  designs  and  purposes.  Yea,  I  have 
learned  so  much  of  the  art  and  address  of  diabolical  spirits 
in  this  matter,  that  as  I  shall,  I  trust,  avail  myself  much  of 
the  very  singular  discovery,  so,  from  a  principle  of  benevo- 
lence to  mankind,  I  think  myself  fully  justified,  without 
further  apology,  in  communicatmg  it  to  the  public. 

Know  then,  tJiat  not  far  from  my  humble  cot,  there  is  a 
widely  extended,  most  tremendous,  and  gloomy  Vale,  first 
formed,  as  is  supposed,  by  some  dreadful  earthquake,  or  some 
otiier  remarkable  convulsion  in  nature.  The  confines  of  this 
valley,  on  the  outside,  are  everywhere  nearly  level  with  the 
surface  of  the  ground ;  but  the  precipice  within  is  to  the  last 
degree  horrible,  insomuch  that  few  have  had  fortitude  enough 
to  approach  it.  The  ancient  bards  very  justly  called  it 
HoRRiDA  Vallis,  and  we,  from  them,  the  Vale  of  Horrors. 
This  horrid  vale  has  long  been  supposed,  by  the  credulous 
vulgar,  to  be  the  haunt  of  infernal  spirits ;  and  some  people 
imagine  that  it  is  the  only  place  on  earth  where  they  freely 
converse  about  the  dark  designs  of  their  mal-administration. 

My  curiosity  continually  prompting  me,  at  last  conquered 
my  native  timidity,  and  I  resolved,  if  possible,  to  find  an  en- 
trance into  this  unfrequented,  unknown,  and  dreadful  place. 

But  many  months,  I  may  say  some  years,  were  spent  hi 
this  fruitless  search,  and  I  despaired  of  success.  At  length, 
however,  having  entered  a  very  large  and  unfrequented 
wood,  one  side  of  which  led  to  the  very  edge  of  the  preci- 
pice, as  I  walked  a  few  furlongs  down  a  gradual  descent, 
gloomy  beyond  whatever  I  had  seen  before,  I  came  to  a 
huge  rock,  all  overgrown  with  ivy  and  moss.  It  liad  the 
appearance  of  an  ancient  ruin,  somewhat  in  the  form  of  a 
pyramid ;  the  bottom  occupied  a  considerable  space,  and  tlie 
spiral  top  was  hardly  concealed  by  the  highest  branches  of 


Ix\TRODUCTIO\.  V 

tlie  tall  and  aged  oaks,  which  surrounded  it.  Near  the 
ground,  by  cliance,  I  discovered  an  opening,  almost  choked 
up  with  baleful  hemlock  and  nightshade.  At  first  I  thought 
that  this  could  be  no  other  than  the  cave  of  some  ancient 
Druid;  but  approaching  it,  and  having,  with  much  toil, 
cleared  away  the  noxious  weeds,  I  found  what  I  had  long 
sought  for,  an  entrance  into  the  dreadful  cavity. 

Here  my  resolution  almost  failed  me,  and  I  was  at  the 
pomt  of  relinquishing  the  long  projected  enterprise.  At 
length  I  recollected  myself  a  little,  and  resolved  to  descend 
into  the  place,  though,  as  I  thought,  not  much  less  horrible 
than  hell.  The  passage,  a  little  within  the  entrance,  led 
downwards  almost  in  a  perpendicular  direction :  but  its  strait- 
ness,  and  the  natural  unevenness  of  the  rocks  that  formed 
it,  rendered  my  descent  more  practicable  and  safe  than  I  at 
first  expected.  Down,  however,  I  went,  fathoms  I  know 
not  how  many,  ere  I  found  m.yself  at  the  bottom,  and  from 
an  easy  opening  entered  the  Gloomy  Yale. 

Looking  up,  I  saw  rocks  upon  rocks  projectmg  over  my 
timorous  head ;  and  I  perceived  myself  to  be  within  the  most 
hideous  inclosure  that  sure  ever  mortal  eyes  beheld. 

The  vale  bemg  solitary  and  gloomy  as  death  itself.  I  said 
in  my  heart.  Surely  if  damned  spirits  are  permitted  to  visit 
the  earth,  this  must  be  their  rendezvous,  and  two  to  one  I 
shall  see  some  of  them.  I  therefore  observed  carefully  my 
retreat,  and  by  several  marks  on  the  rocks  which  formed  it, 
I  hoped  that,  on  any  emergency,  I  might  be  directed  to  the 
entrance  of  the  cave,  by  which  alone  I  could  return  to  tlie 
eociety  of  mortals. 

I  soon  found  that  my  precautions  were  far  from  being  un- 
necessary ;  for  I  saw,  by  the  feeble  light,  which  glimmered 
in  the  place,  a  form  most  frightful,  making  directly  towards 
me.  My  heart  bounded  m  my  breast  with  terror ;  and  swift 
as  a  hare,  pressed  by  sanguine  hounds,  I  ran  to  my  little 
sanctuary.  No  sooner  had  I  entered  it,  but  the  fiend  stalked 
A2 


VI  INTRODUCTION. 

up  to  the  very  door  of  it.  The  hair  of  my  head  stood  up- 
right, the  blood  ran  down  my  back  as  cold  as  Greenland  ice, 
and  I  looked  on  myself  as  a  dead  man ;  having  often  heard 
of  miserable  wretches  being  torn  in  pieces  by  the  talons  of 
merciless  infernals.  But,  as  the  hideous  form  attempted  not 
to  penetrate  into  the  cave,  nor  seemed  at  all  conscious  of 
my  being  there,  I  recovered  myself  a  little,  and  reviewed  it 
with  less  apprehension  of  danger.  At  length  he  espied 
another  of  his  clan,  to  whom  he  called,  and  with  whom  he 
held  the  following  dialogue,  which  made  such  an  impression 
on  my  mmd,  that  I  afterwards  recollected  the  most  part  of 
it ;  and  here  present  it  to  the  worthy  reader.  The  name  of 
this  devil,  as  I  afterwards  understood,  w^as  Avaro,  and  that 
of  the  other  Fastosus. 


DI^ILOGUES  OF  DEVILS. 


DIALOGUE  I. 


FASTOSUS   AND    AVARO. 


AvARo.  So  ho !  Fastosus,  whither  so  fast  at  this  time  of 
the  morning]  Be  not  in  such  a  hurry:  but  let  a  kindred 
devil  exchange  a  few  words  with  you.  Pray,  how  do  you 
do,  micle  ? 

Fastosus.  Hah !  my  nephew  Avaro !  I  little  thought  of 
findmg  you  in  the  vale  at  present.  But  I  am  glad  to  see 
you.     Pray,  how  do  you  do  ] 

Avaro.  I  thank  you,  sir,  I  am  pretty  well,  only  tired  with 
much  exercise.  But  pray  where  were  you  going  in  such 
a  hurry  ]  When  I  called  to  you,  you  seemed  to  outfly  the 
wind  ! 

Fastosus.  Indeed,  Avaro,  I  should  not  be  willing  to  dis- 
cover my  concerns  to  every  inquirer;  but  I  condescend  to 
make  free  with  you,  on  account  of  our  near  kindred ;  and 
knowing  you  to  be  a  true  son  of  Beelzebub,  I  can  trust  you 
with  any  secret.  As  for  my  present  hurry,  the  occasion  of 
it  is  this,  The  right  honorable  Madame  de  la  Coquette  hav- 
ing an  inclination  to  a  suit,  of  some  fashion  never  before 
invented,  was  thrown  into  a  violent  fever,  through  the  dull- 
ness of  the  mantua-makers,  who  could  de\ise  no  cut  suita- 
ble to  her  ladyship's  desire.  Finding  her  life  to  be  in  danger, 
unless  she  was  gratified,  I  was  last  night  dispatched  to  hell,  to 
procure  a  new  pattern  from  the  best  artists  there ;  and  having 
got  it,  I  was  going  post  to  France,  to  assist  my  lady's  man- 
tua-maker  in  cutting  and  finishing  it :  which  done,  I  suppose 
I  shall  have  a  trip  to  London,  to  accommodate  the  countess 
of  Prudeland  with  a  suit  against  the  next  court-day. 

Avaro.  What !  the  courtly  Fastosus  become  mantua- 
maker !  I  should  never  have  thought  of  such  an  employ- 
ment, for  my  part.  You  have  now  descended  low,  indeed, 
ancle ! 

Fastosus.    Indeed,  Avaro,  your  ignorance  almost  pro- 


8  DIALOGUES 

vokes  me  to  be  angry  with  you.  But  you  need  not  be  so 
much  surprised  at  my  concerns  with  the  mantua-makers ; 
for  I  assure  you  I  am  so  much  admired  for  my  skill  in  dress, 
by  both  sexes  of  the  human  race,  that  there  is  scarcely  a 
suit  of  clothes  made,  either  for  man  or  woman,  without  my 
direction.  Nor  shall  you  find  a  peruke-maker  hardy  enough 
to  venture  a  wig  on  the  block,  ere  he  has  had  my  opinion 
of  it.  In  short,  cousin,  there  is  very  little  done,  and  in 
dress  there  is  nothing  done,  in  high  life  or  low,  but  I  have 
a  hand  m  it. 

AvARO.  If  I  have  offended  my  honored  uncle,  I  humbly 
beg  your  pardon.  I  assure  you,  I  said  nothing  out  of  dis- 
respect to  you.  We  all  know  that  your  spirit  is  princely, 
your  monarchy  great,  and  your  dominion  very  extensive. 
But  indeed  I  never  thought  of  your  being  conversant  with 
tailors,  barbers,  and  mantua-makers. 

Fastosus.  Nay,  nephew,  I  am  not  angry.  Nevertheless, 
you  ought  to  revere  me  as  your  elder  and  better,  and  not 
take  upon  you  to  call  in  question  the  truth  of  what  I  say. 
As  for  the  barbers,  they  are  a  set  of  transformists  established 
wholly  by  my  dexterity ;  and  but  for  my  sovereignty  over  man, 
these  transformations  had  never  been  introduced.  Now  the 
transforming  trade  goes  on  so  successfully,  that  there  is  rea- 
son to  hope  very  many  will  be  at  last  transformed  into  the 
likeness  and  nature  of  our  sable  fraternity. 

AvARO,  Pray,  uncle,  be  not  angry  with  me,  if  I  do  not 
speak  altogether  as  you  would  have  me ;  for  you  Imow  I 
never  had  any  inclination  to  learning  or  politeness ;  and  I 
cannot  help  expressing  my  wonder  at  some  tilings  you  say. 
Besides,  I  am  amazed  to  see  you  look  so  thin ;  why  you 
look  like  a  skeleton !  What  have  you  been  doing,  or  where 
have  you  been "]  By  your  looks,  you  might  have  travelled 
barefooted  to  the  holy  land,  or  crept  on  your  hands  and  feet 
to  Medina,  and  wept  forty  days  by  the  tomb  of  our  dear 
friend  Mahomet.     You  have  not  been  on  pilgrimage,  sure ! 

Fastosus.  I  thought,  from  what  I  had  said,  you  might 
have  known  that  I  have  not  been  on  pilgrimage  very  lately  ; 
though  I  assure  you,  I  have  often  travelled  to  Jerusalem  and 
to  Mecca  as  a  guide  to  tliose  holy  pilgrims.  There  is  not 
one  of  all  the  bare-legged  travellers,  who  will  stir  their  foot 
from  home,  until  their  good  friend  Fastosus  is  equipped  in 
palmerian  habiliments,  to  press  forward  in  the  van  as  their 


OF    DEVILS.  9 

protector.  Nor  are  these  pilgrims  my  only  vassals ;  for  the 
superstitious,  of  all  denominations,  have  with  one  consent 
devoted  themselves  to  me. 

AvARo.  Well,  but,  uncle,  I  am  sure  they  worship  me 
with  sincere  regard,  as  well  as  they  do  you ;  and  I  either 
attend  them  in  person,  or  pour  my  influences  upon  every  one 
of  them,  in  all  their  religious  journeys  to  Jerusalem,  Mecca, 
or  elsewhere. 

Fastosus.  It  may  be  so,  Avaro ;  but  their  prostitution  to 
covetousness  hinders  not  tlieir  devotion  to  pride ;  for  I  have 
conducted  many  of  this  fraternity  to  the  supposed  sepulchre 
of  Jesus  of  Nazareth,  who,  in  their  own  opinion,  were  made 
so  holy  thereby,  that  when  they  returned  to  their  native 
country,  they  tliought  the  earth  itself  unworthy  to  bear  the 
pressure  of  a  foot,  which  had  trod  the  threshold  of  the  adored 
sepulchre.  These  religious  adventurers,  (especially  if  they 
obtain  some  precious  relics,  of  which  there  are  great  store 
in  Palestine)  generally  lift  them  so  far  above  their  fellow 
creatures  that  thenceforward  they  can  hold  no  intercourse 
with  the  common  people,  lest  their  supposed  spotless  gar- 
ments should  be  polluted  with  worldly  filthiness.  Nor  is 
it  uncommon  for  these  fantastical  devotees  to  imagine,  that 
by  their  journeys  to  Judea  they  have  gained  considerably 
above  the  price  of  heaven.  So  that  when  they  come  to  die, 
they  have  holiness  sufficient  for  themselves,  and  a  handsome 
legacy  to  bequeath,  as  an  help-out  to  some  poor  brother, 
who  loves  home  better  than  the  holy  land. 

AvARo,  Ay,  Fastosus ;  but  then  you  may  thank  my  bro- 
ther Falax  and  me  for  your  Jerusalem  journeys :  none  of 
them  would  have  been  instituted  but  through  falsehood,  de- 
ceit, and  covetousness.  And  I  really  think  that  we  did  ex- 
cellent service  to  the  great  Beelzebub  and  the  sublime  porte 
of  hell,  in  imposing  that  cheat  upon  mankind.  Though,  by 
the  way,  one  would  wonder  that  the  reasonable  mind  should 
be  so  easily  deceived,  seeing  there  is  nothing  in  any  of  these 
pilgrimages,  that  has  so  much  as  the  appearance  of  reli- 
gion. 

Often  have  I  laughed  in  my  sleeve  to  see  the  poor  pil- 
grims, with  holy  awe  and  profound  reverence,  approach  a 
log  of  rotten  wood,  fully  believing  it  to  be  part  of  the  cross 
on  which  linmanuel  was  crucified.  Oh !  how  have  I  seen 
them  congratulate  themselves  on  their  supposed  happiness, 


10  DIALOGUES 

if  by  any  means  they  had  procured  a  diminutive  chip  of  an 
old  gate-post,  from  the  hand  of  a  venerable  priest,  with  his 
holy  word  upon  it,  that  it  was  part  of  the  cross !  And,  to 
speak  the  truth,  which  you  know  I  am  not  very  fond  of, 
these  reverend  gentlemen  have  words  and  wood  equally 
plenty ;  for  wdien  one  log  is  sold  off,  they  immediately  re- 
place it  with  another ;  so  that  this  market  will  not  stop  for 
want  of  merchandise,  whilst  there  is  a  tree  left  in  the  forest 
of  Lebanon.  I  would  not,  on  any  account,  that  the  Avorld 
should  know  that  the  traffic  in  relics  is  all  a  cheat,  by  the 
help  whereof  my  dear  children,  the  Jerusalem  priests,  get 
more  money  for  chips  of  rotten  wood,  than  the  greatest 
merchant  in  Norway  gets  for  his  masts,  and  yards,  &c. 

Fastosus.  By  what  you  say,  and  I  own  it  to  be  right, 
cousin,  you  and  I  must  share  the  persons  and  divide  the 
spoil  betwixt  us,  on  the  day  of  reckoning.  You  and  cousin 
Falax  have  laid  the  snare  very  craftily,  and  I,  by  my  haughty 
influences,  drive  the  fools  to  it.  Good  Avaro,  your  game 
would  not  go  well  without  my  assistance ;  and  while  you 
and  I  continue  to  play  into  each  other's  hand,  we  can  readily 
bring  the  two  fools  to  meet,  each  deceiving  and  being  de- 
ceived. I  mean,  we  can  bring  the  covetous  fool  'and  the 
credulous  fool  together.  The  credulous  deceives  the  covet- 
ous fool  with  his  money,  and  the  covetous  deceives  the 
credulous  fool  with  his  rotten  wood.  Dear  Avaro,  our  work 
goes  forward  apace,  and  we  shall  have  them  both  at  last. 

Avaro.  No  doubt  of  it,  Fastosus ;  for  both  the  covetous 
and  over-credulous  are  ours,  by  common  consent.  Our 
game  could  not  well  go  better  than  it  doth  at  present ;  for 
all  ranks  and  degrees  of  people  are  subjected  to  our  potent 
sway.  No  doubt  but  you  have  heard  of  that  noble  piece 
of  architecture  called  the  Triple-Crown,  which  I  and  my 
brother  Falax  made  for  our  worthy  friend  and  stedfast  ally 
the  pope  of  Rome. 

Fastosus.  Heard  of  it !  Surely  I  have.  Was  not  I  the 
principal  person  concerned  in  the  work  ]  But,  Avaro,  you 
have  an  ugly  way  of  denying  people  the  due  honors  of  their 
labor.  But  for  me,  his  Holmess  would  never  have  thought 
of  such  an  invention.  And  as  I  had  the  principal  hand  in 
it,  I  aver,  that  the  best  mathematician  in  hell  could  not  have 
invented  a  more  excellent  piece.  I  have  thought,  ever  since, 
that  the  artful  Falax  acted  his  part  with  as  much  dexterity, 


OF   DEVILS.  11 

In  the  formation  of  that  capital  ornament  as,  when  he  and 
we  assisted  our  venerable  friend,  Mahomet,  in  composing 
the  Alcoran.  But  the  chief  beauty  of  it  was,  to  see  our 
hoary  friend,  the  pope,  with  greater  confidence  than  if  he 
had  been  one  of  ourselves,  exalt  the  papal  chair  above  all 
that  is  called  God.  So  that  now,  in  the  sense  of  the  Romish 
impostor,  saving  and  damning  depend  no  longer  on  the  jus- 
tice and  mercy  of  the  Eternal,  but  upon  the  will  and  plea- 
sure of  him  who  fills  the  infallible  chair. 

Were  we  any  thing  but  Devils  whose  hatred  to  Truth  is 
implacable,  it  would  have  grieved  us  to  see  how  she  sighed 
and  sobbed,  as  if  her  heart  would  break,  when  the  impos- 
tors assumed  the  character  of  infallibility.  She  knocked 
with  violence  at  the  gates  of  the  bishop's  palace  :  but  there 
was  no  admission  for  her  there.  She  begged  and  prayed 
that  the  inferior  ranks  of  the  reverend  clergy  would  re- 
ceive her ;  but  no  one  of  them  would  suffer  her  to  come 
under  their  roof;  so  that  the  poor  heaven-bom  lady  swooned 
in  the  streets,  and  there  was  none  to  assist  her.  Her  eyes 
became  as  fountains  of  briny  tears,  trickling  down  her  radi- 
ant cheeks;  her  locks  were  dishevelled,  and  her  apparel 
hung  dangling  around  her.  In  this  mournM  plight  she  went 
tlirough  all  the  streets  of  the  mystic  Babylon,  uttering  her 
lamentations  in  every  public  place,  and  in  every  concourse 
of  the  people.  But,  as  in  former  times  she  had  piped  to 
them,  and  none  of  the  worshippers  of  the  Beast  would  dance ; 
so  now  she  mourned  to  them,  but  none  of  them  would  la- 
ment. She  stretched  forth  her  hands  all  the  day  long,  but 
none  of  them  would  attend  to  her;  the  venerable  pope, 
father  of  the  world,  having  published  a  decree  that  none  of 
them  should  suffer  her  under  their  roof,  nor  administer  the 
least  comfort  to  her  in  her  calamity,  under  pain  of  the  Rack, 
the  Gibbet,  the  Wheel,  or  Fire  and  Fagot.  Yea,  more; 
when  his  Holiness  saw  the  importunity  of  Divine  Truth, 
and  perceived  that  she  would  be  a  perpetual  thorn  in  his 
side,  if  not  timely  and  wisely  prevented,  by  forcing  her  out 
of  the  world,  he  clad  himself  in  Vulcanian  armor,  sought 
for  her  in  every  corner  of  Babylon;  when  he  met  with  her, 
lanched  his  fatal  spear  with  papal  force  against  her,  that 
wounding  her  so  deeply,  she  fainted  and  fell  to  the  ground, 
and  no  doubt  had  died  had  she  not  been  immortal.  When 
the  most  holy  bishop  hiad  thus  deprest  her,  he  cried  out  in 


12  DIALOGUES 

devilish  triumph,  "  /  am  the  successor  of  Peter^  the  vicar 
of  Christ,  the  pillar  of  truth,  the  porter  of  heaven,  and  the 
supreme  head  of  the  church^  At  which  words,  Truth  en- 
tirely disappeared,  and  to  this  day  has  not  been  suffered  to 
set  one  foot  within  the  limits  of  the  papacy. 

AvARO.  It  was  a  noble  enterprise  ;  nothing  could  exceed 
it  I  am  persuaded,  that  the  man  who  was  in-dwelt  by  our 
brother  Legion,  and  resided  among  the  tombs,  was  never  ca- 
pable of  coming  so  near  to  us  devils  in  cruelty,  deceit,  and 
falsehood,  as  that  same  venerable  man,  his  infallible  holi- 
ness, hath  upon  every  occasion. 

Fastosus.  Indeed,  Avaro,  Legion,  though  a  many-viced 
devil,  is  but  a  fool  when  compared  to  his  holiness ;  but  it  is 
highly  necessary  that  he  should  be  well  qualified  in  devil- 
ism,  seeing  he  is  appointed  Beelzebub's  great  vicegerent  in 
the  Christian  world. 

AvARO.  Great  are  the  abilities  requisite  to  such  a  sta- 
tion ;  and  his  holiness  possesseth  them  liberally.  Did  you 
ever  hear,  Fastosus,  the  manner  in  which  our  Italian  suc- 
cess was  received  by  Beelzebub  the  great,  and  his  mfernal 
nobility] 

Fastosus.  I  suppose  I  have  ;  but  I  have  so  many  things 
to  think  of,  that  at  present  it  has  escaped  my  memory ; 
therefore,  if  you  remember  it,  I  shall  be  obliged  to  you  for 
the  recital. 

Avaro.  With  all  my  heart.  I  assure  you  it  is  well  worth 
your  hearing,  for  thereby  it  appeared  that  his  infernal  ma- 
jesty had  the  deepest  sense  of  our  services,  and  conceived 
the  strongest  hope  of  the  increase  of  his  kingdom  from  the 
alliance  formed  betwixt  the  sublime  porte  of  hell,  and  the 
apostolic  chair  at  Rome. 

As  soon  as  swift-winged  Fame  arrived  at  the  gate,  known 
by  the  name  of  eartli-gate,  she  knocked  violently,  as  you 
know  is  customary  with  her  upon  any  emergent  occasion. 
Our  friend  Cerberus,  the  porter,  no  sooner  saw  that  it  was 
Fame,  but  he  immediately  sent  a  messenger  to  court,  to  in- 
form his  majesty  and  peers,  that  the  ambassadress  Fame  was 
arrived.  In  shorter  time  than  a  lawyer  could  frame  a  lie, 
hell  was  all  in  an  uproar,  every  inhabitant  being  big  with 
expectation  of  some  important  news  from  our  friends  on 
earth.  Fifty  of  the  nobility  were  dispatched  from  court,  to 
congratulate  Fame  on  her  arrival,  and  to  conduct  her  in 


OP    DEVILS.  18 

State  to  the  court-end  of  the  city.  The  mighty  Beelzebub 
ascended  the  flaming  throne,  to  receive  the  ambassadress 
with  imperial  grandeur ;  and  as  soon  as  she  arrived,  she  was 
introduced  to  his  sublime  presence,  by  Lucifer,  prime  min- 
ister of  state,  and  in  full  court  related  all  that  had  passed 
concerning  the  change  at  Rome  ui  tlie  sys^tcm  of  religion : 
which  desirable  news  was  received  with  all  the  demonstra- 
tions of  joy  damned  spirits  are  capable  of.  Fame  having 
finished  her  relation,  the  mighty  prince,  who  sat  on  the  stu- 
pendous throne,  arrayed  in  all  the  majesty  becoming  his 
elevated  station,  lifted  his  warlike  arm,  waved  the  imperial 
sceptre  for  audience,  and  thus  addressed  his  courtiers,  his 
eyes  blazing  as  burning  furnaces,  while  he  spake. 

"  My  lords,  my  brethren  in  sovereignty,  and  sharers  of 
my  glory ;  from  the  just  sense  I  have  of  your  steady  attach- 
ment to  my  interest  and  goverimient,  as  hath  always  ap- 
peared from  your  unwearied  study,  as  far  as  possible,  to 
destroy  the  creatures  of  our  arch-enemy,  whom,  constrained, 
we  call  the  Almighty;  and  promoting  to  the  utmost  our 
common  interest  among  mankind.  From  such  considera- 
tions, I  cannot  forbear  congratulating  your  highnesses  on 
the  happy  turn  our  affairs  on  the  earth  have  taken,  by  the 
indefatigable  pains  and  vigilant  endeavors  of  our  worthy 
friends  and  genume  descendants,  Fastosus,  Avaro,  Falax, 
&LC.  &c. :  as  appears  by  the  report  you  have  just  now  heard 
from  the  mouth  of  our  swift- winged  ambassadress,  Fame. 
By  the  industry  of  those  worthy  spirits,  worms  of  the  earth 
are  wrought  up  to  such  a  degree  of  pride  and  self-conceit, 
as  to  undertake  enterprises  that  we,  who  are  of  angelic  race, 
could  not  accomplish ;  yea,  even  to  assume  prerogatives, 
which  never  once  came  into  our  minds.  My  noble  lords, 
there  is  reason  to  believe  that  this  revolution  will  prove  a 
leading  step  towards  a  very  plentiful  harvest.  I  signify 
therefore  as  my  will  and  pleasure,  that  your  highnesses  take 
special  care  that  the  lodgings  at  the  court-end  of  the  city 
are  kept  in  due  repair,  as  henceforth  we  may  expect  at  every 
term,  numerous  shoals  of  popish  priests  of  all  ranks,  to  take 
up  their  residence  with  us ;  and  you  may  be  sure  they  will 
take  it  very  ill,  if  they  are  not  accommodated  according  to 
their  quality. 

"  I  think,  my  lords,  it  is  worthy  of  observation,  that  all 
the  missionaries  we  ever  dispatched  among  the  heathens, 
B 


14  DIALOGUES 

could  not  prevai  with  poor  pagan  priests  to  aspire  to  that 
degree  of  impiety,  which  the  pope  hath  now  assumed.  I 
hope,  my  lords,  that  truth  and  holiness  are  in  a  fair  way  of 
being  banished  from  the  face  of  the  earth ;  for  I  am  per- 
suaded, that  this  universal  father,  his  cardinals,  legates,  and 
bishops,  will  exert  all  their  influence  to  promote  our  interest 
in  the  suppression  of  our  enemies."  Having  said  this,  a 
flaming  billow  rolled  over  the  imperial  seat,  and  so  stunned 
the  good  old  prmce,  that  he  could  speak  no  more  for  a 


Fastosus.  All  those  things  I  well  remember,  now  you 
have  mentioned  them.  But  I  want  to  know  what  you  have 
got  in  that  leather  bag.    You  have  not  become  nailer,  sure  1 

AvARo.  This  bag,  sir,  contains  a  thousand  pounds,  which 
a  certain  attorney,  a  dear  child  of  mine,  wants  to  have  de- 
posited in  some  place  of  security,  as  he  has  not  at  present 
an  opportunity  of  putting  it  out  to  generate,  an  increasing 
faculty  witli  which  all  his  other  cash  is  endued.  This  same 
gentleman  is  a  person  of  great  worth,  ready  to  assist  the 
rich  and  great,  provided  always  that  his  good  deeds  are 
handsomely  rewarded.  But  so  cautious  and  prudent  is  he, 
that  he  utterly  abhors  parting  with  even  so  small  a  pittance 
as  a  guinea,  to  relieve  a  poor  distressed  tradesman ;  and  in- 
deed for  this  very  sufficient  reason,  that  he  cannot,  in  such 
a  case,  obtain  land  security  for  his  money ;  so  that  if  the 
poor  man  is  ever  so  honest  and  industrious,  he  must  even 
reconcile  his  thoughts  to  a  dungeon,  or  seek  relief  from  an- 
other quarter ;  for  our  worthy  lawyer  would  part  with  no 
money  to  deliver  him  from  it.  His  present  fear  is,  lest  any 
of  his  poor  neighbors,  knowing  that  he  has  plenty  of  money 
by  him,  should,  by  their  pressing  solicitations,  over-persuade 
him  to  part  with  a  little  to  help  them  in  their  distresses ; 
for  he,  like  many  other  honest  men,  is  determined  to  keep 
what  he  has  got,  if  one  half  of  the  parish  should  die  for  want 
of  bread. 

Fastosus.  By  your  description  of  the  worthy  lawyer,  I 
may  expect  his  children  as  my  pupils  after  his  decease.  I 
warrrant  me,  Avaro,  before  their  father  is  half  consumed  by 
the  worms,  I  shall  have  them  bowing  and  cringing  to  me  as 
their  god.  I  have  remarked,  for  some  thousands  of  years, 
that  when  the  parents  have  worshipped  the  god  Avaro,  by 
giving  themselves  up  to  covetousness,  for  the  most  part, 


OF    DEVILf;.  15 

:lifter  their  decease,  the  children  have  made  choice  of  me 
.and  our  cousin  Profanity  for  their  patrons.  Surely,  if  cov- 
etous parents  knew  what  courses  cliildren  would  follow 
when  their  heads  are  laid  low  in  tlie  grave,  and  their  souls 
still  lower  in  hell,  they  would  quarrel  with  their  god  Avaro, 
or  die  with  grief  on  the  prospect. 

Avaro.  Ay,  uncle ;  but  there  is  not  one  of  all  my  nu- 
merous disciples,  who  knows  me  by  my  proper  name ;  and 
I  am  by  far  too  subtle  for  them  to  find  out  the  cheat.  My 
English  vassals,  for  instance,  commonly  worship  me  under 
the  false  names  of  industry  or  frugality,  prudence  or  lauda- 
ble care ;  but  there  is  not  one  of  them  who  can  be  prevailed 
with  to  believe  himself  a  worshipper  of  the  devil  Avaro, 
which  is,  you  know,  my  true  and  proper  name. 

Fastosus.  Nothing  equals  our  success ;  for  you  damn 
the  parents  by  covetousness,  and  we  damn  the  childj-en  by 
pride  and  profanity.  Good  Avaro,  we  have  them  hip  and 
thigh ;  it  is  but  a  few  of  all  the  mundane  race  that  we  lose ; 
and  those  also  we  should  have,  if  they  were  not  forcibly 
taken  from  us:  but  this  is  one  comfort,  that  if  we  must 
have  the  mortification  of  seeing  any  of  the  human  race  get 
safe  to  heaven,  we  have  also  the  pleasure  of  disturbing  and 
distracting  their  minds  on  the  journey;  and  many  of  them 
we  bring  to  the  stake  or  gibbet,  under  the  direction  of  our 
good  iiiend  Crudelis,  who  presides  over  those  hells  upon 
earth,  known  by  the  name  of  the  holy  inquisitions. 

Avaro.  Hells,  did  you  say]  Right,  hells  indeed!  One 
holy  inquisitor  goes  beyond  an  hundred  of  our  fraternity  in 
the  art  of  cruelty,  which  you  know  is  the  first  of  the  learned 
sciences  at  Rome.  Such  wonderful  inventions  of  torturing, 
one  would  have  thought,  eoukl  never  have  been  contrived. 
What  ingenuity  does  the  rack  display!  How  excellently 
formed  for  exquisite  torture !  What  an  apt  resemblance  of 
the  infernal  furnace  is  the  dry-pan !  A  contrivance  worthy 
the  most  skilful  among  the  Beelzebubian  artists.  But  their 
watery  torment,  the  gag  and  pitcher,  is  what  raises  them 
most  in  my  esteem.  Almost  every  blockhead  hath  some 
notion  of  a  hell  of  fire ;  but  it  is  peculiar  to  the  skill  of  an 
holy  inquisitor  to  contrive  a  hell  of  water.  In  this,  Fastosus, 
we  must  all  knock  under  to  them,  for  indeed  they  are  our 
betters.  And,  to  enhance  their  merit,  their  torments  are 
inflicted  upon  the  unhappy  ^vretches,  who  Mi  into  their 


16  DIALOGUES 

hands,  under  a  show  of  the  greatest  sanctity  towards  God, 
and  pity  to  the  unhappy  victim  of  their  cruelty.  And  so 
very  strictly  do  they  and  their  assisting  familiars  observe 
the  rules  of  inviolable  secrecy,  that  the  world  can  never 
know  the  hundredth  part  of  their  villany. 

Fastosus.  Secrecy  is  indispensably  necessary  to  a  people 
so  much  devoted  to  our  interest  as  the  worthy  inquisitors 
and  the  rest  of  the  Romish  clergy  are.  Were  it  known  to 
the  world  what  methods  they  take  to  aggrandize  themselves 
and  support  the  papal  hierarchy,  the  cheat  would  be  discov- 
ered, the  fabric  would  fall  to  the  ground,  the  craft  by  which 
they  have  their  wealth  would  soon  be  at  an  end,  and  their 
reverences  be  brought  into  contempt. 

Certainly  the  great  Beelzebub  will  deal  gratefully  with 
the  holy  father  at  Rome,  and  his  cardinals,  inquisitors  and 
bishops,  when  they  arrive  in  hell.  For  my  own  part,  I 
stedfastly  believe  that  if  our  good  friends  the  popes  and  in- 
quisitors are  not  served  below  their  quality,  they  will  be  put 
in  possession  of  the  seats  on  the  right  hand  of  his  majesty's 
throne,  as  our  friend  Mahomet  and  his  mufties  were  in  those 
on  the  left.  And  when  their  extraordinary  merit  is  consid- 
ered, our  infernal  nobility  will  have  no  reason  to  grumble  at 
their  advancement;  for  nothing  less  can  be  deemed  ade- 
quate to  their  uncommon  merit  and  usefulness  in  confirming 
our  dominion  over  mankind.  And  so  fervently  have  they 
our  interest  at  heart,  that  it  would  be  very  extraordmary 
indeed,  if  any  of  them  should  be  lost,  and  fall  short  of  our 
dreary  abode. 

AvAJio.  The  basest  ingratitude  to  use  them  otherwise, 
Fastosus.  For  my  own  part,  I  shall  always  give  place  to  a 
pope  or  inquisitor,  and  I  think  it  is  the  duty  of  all  our  sable 
fraternity  so  to  do ;  for  when  their  inferior  species  is  consid- 
ered, it  will  appear  that  they  not  only  vie  with,  but  even 
exceed  the  most  dexterous  among  us  in  many  things. 

Fastosus.  I  am  thinking,  Avaro,  of  the  easy  station  you 
have  got,  in  comparison  of  mine.  You  are  concerned  but 
with  a  few,  I  am  concerned  with  every  one.  You  chiefly 
serve  the  higher  ranks  of  people,  but  I  am  hackneyed  night 
and  day  by  all  sorts  of  men,  from  his  holiness  the  pope  to 
the  hermit  in  his  cell,  from  the  queen  on  the  throne  to 
Bridget  the  farmer's  maid.  But  was  it  not  that  I  find  my 
account  in  it,  and  by  that  means  am  adored  as  a  divinity, 


OF    DEVILS.  17 

my  princely  mind  would  never  submit  to  such  constant 
drudgery. 

AvARO.  Good  Fastosus,  I  speak  it  with  reverence,  but 
you  are  exceedingly  mistaken  in  my  business.  I  assure 
you,  it  increaseth  every  day  upon  my  hands,  and  requires 
very  constant  application ;  insomuch,  that  for  these  twelve 
years  I  have  not  had  time  to  close  my  eyes  for  one  refresh- 
ing nap.  Ah,  uncle  !  I  am  concerned  with,  and  for  many  ; 
and  with  none  more  than  with  the  sons  of  the  mystic  whore. 
This  old  bawd,  with  the  scarlet  gown,  hath  many  children, 
who  swarm  as  locusts  along  the  face  of  many  European 
countries,  and  eat  up  the  good  of  the  land  before  them. 
And  there  is  not  one  amongst  them,  who  knows  how  to 
spend  a  day  without  my  company.  When  I  would  gladly 
lay  me  down  for  a  little  rest,  one  or  other  of  them  conjures 
me  up  to  inquire  after  pay  for  this  funeral  mass,  that  dispen- 
sation, or  the  other  pardon.  For,  you  may  know,  that  with 
them  there  is  nothing  to  be  done  without  ready  cash ;  for 
they  never  give  credit. 

Fastosus.  That  old  proverb,  "Money  answereth  all 
things,"  seems  well  adapted  to  the  tenets  of  your  disciples, 
Avaro. 

AvARO.  Wonderfully  adapted,  sir  !  very  wonderfully 
adapted  ;  for  money  forwards  their  devotion  vastly,  and 
helps  them  strangely  on,  in  their  way  to  heaven.  Dear 
children  of  mine  I  owti  them  to  be !  for,  notwithstanding 
their  pretended  love  to  devotion  and  the  souls  of  their  fellow 
creatures ;  if  a  poor  man  travelling  from  earth  to  heaven, 
should  happen  to  be  arrested  by  any  of  the  officers  of  pur- 
gatory, (who  make  it  their  business  to  waylay  travellers) 
and  be  turned  over  to  the  tormentors ;  if  such  a  man  has 
not  left  a  sufficient  sum  for  purgatorial  masses,  and  no  well- 
disposed  lay  person  is  found  to  supply  the  deficient  assets 
of  the  prisoner,  he  may  lie,  if  it  be  possible,  until  he  is 
burned  to  tinder,  ere  any  parson  of  tlie  convent  will  put  one 
hand  to  help  him  out  of  those  dreary  flames.  But,  on  the 
other  hand,  if  a  sufficient  sum  is  left  for  masses  to  be  said  to 
the  lady  of  Loretto,  St.  Dominick,  St.  Dennis,  or  any  other 
eloquent  saint,  all  the  parsons  will  apply  as  cheerfully  as 
young  dromedaries,  and  put  their  shoulders  to  the  work,  like 
so  many  bulls  in  a  yoke,  until  they  have  cleared  him  of  his 
jprisoiL  You  may  always  be  sure  that  with  them,  according 
JB  2 


18  DIALOGUES 

to  the  well-known  proverb,  "  It  is  money  that  makes  the 
mare  to  go." 

Fastosus.  I  pray  you,  Avaro,  where  does  this  same  pur- 
gatory stand  1  I  have  often  heard  of  it,  but  never  could  meet 
with  it,  either  in  this  or  the  other  world,  notwithstanding  I 
have  sought  it  with  care. 

AvARo.  You  have  sought  for  it  in  the  wrong  place,  uncle ; 
you  should  have  ransacked  the  brains  of  the  pope  and  his 
clergy ;  for  there,  and  nowhere  else,  the  chimera  is  to  be 
found.  It  is  only  a  scheme  to  get  money,  that  I  contrived 
for  them ;  and  hitlierto  it  has  answered  our  highest  expecta- 
tions ;  for  by  this  craft  the  parsons  have  great  emolument. 

Fastosus.  This  I  do  know,  that  nothing  is  more  attrac- 
tive of  the  attention  of  their  reverences,  than  brilliant  gold  ; 
for  the  sake  of  which,  systems  the  most  absurd  are  imposed 
upon  mankmd,  with  the  sanction  of  priestly  authority.  In- 
deed, it  is  presumed  that  these  holy  men  will  authorize  no- 
thing but  what  is  lucrative.  O  tlie  wonderful  trade  of  priest- 
craft !  Indeed,  Avaro,  I  begin  to  think  you  a  devil  of  good 
abilities,  and  an  honor  to  the  race  of  Beelzebub. 

AvARO.  I  am  highly  obliged  to  you  for  your  good  opmion, 
sir ;  and  assure  you,  that  were  you  acquainted  with  the  sys- 
tem of  our  government,  I  should  go  near  to  rivet  myself  in 
your  esteem ;  an  honor  which  I  much  desire,  and  in  order 
to  which,  I  shall  relate  a  certain  affair  which  wonderfully 
displays  the  genius  of  priestcraft,  and  gives  the  most  just 
idea  of  the  doctrine  of  purgatory. 

Fastosus.  I  shall  be  glad  to  hear  it  another  time,  cousin ; 
but  for  the  present  I  must  be  gone,  to  forward  my  lady's 
robes ;  for  the  mantua-maker  dare  not  touch  them  before  my 
arrival  at  Paris.  Exactly  four  hours  hence  I  shall  give  you 
the  meeting. 

AvARo.  I  shall  think  of  the  appomtment,  uncle.  Suc- 
cess to  your  enterprise. 


OP  DEVILS.  IH> 

DIALOGUE  II. 

FASTOSUS   AND   AVARO. 

Being  acquainted  with  the  appointment,  I  chose  to  wait 
for  their  coming ;  but  was  so  alarmed  at  what  I  liad  heard 
and  seen,  that  I  lurked  close  in  my  retreat,  not  daring  to 
attempt  any  discoveries.  At  the  time  appointed,  I  perceived 
them  walking  up  the  valley  ;  and  as  they  drew  near, 

Fastosus  said.  Yes,  Avaro,  I  assure  you  there  was  great 
joy  in  the  court  of  Versailles  on  account  of  my  arrival,  and 
that  both  amongst  the  French  and  English  ladies :  the  lat- 
ter of  whom  are  the  humble  servile  imitators  of  the  former ; 
which  tends  so  to  chagrin  some,  and  give  pleasure  to  others 
of  them,  that  by  this  means  contentions  run  very  high  among 
the  French  ladies.  One  part  complains  of  the  English,  as 
no  more  than  the  apes  of  the  French  ;  these  are  they  who 
would  monopolize  all  the  finery  to  themselves;  therefore 
their  censure  of  the  English  ladies  is  not  to  be  regarded. 
"The  others  boast  of  their  superiority,  and  are  not  a  little 
proud  of  their  dominion  over  the  fair  Anglicans ;  who,  they 
suppose,  dare  not  attempt  to  introduce  so  mucli  as  the  pat- 
tern of  an  head-dress,  until  it  hath  the  approbation  of  the 
French.  But  to  drop  this  for  the  present,  Avaro,  T  shall  be 
glad  to  hear  the  story  you  mentioned  before  we  parted. 

Avaro.  It  was  this,  sir.  There  was  a  gentleman  in 
Provence,  a  steady  member  of  the  holy  Roman  Catholic 
church,  who  died  lately,  and  as  soon  as  dead,  his  pious  re- 
lations made  his  death  known  to  their  reverences  the  priests, 
in  order  to  procure  their  good  offices,  in  behalf  of  their  de- 
parted friend,  whose  soul,  it  was  upon  no  ill  ground  feared, 
was  hardly  white  enough  for  heaven,  and  would  therefore 
be  obliged  to  call  at  purgatory,  for  an  effectual  cleansing, 
ere  he  could  proceed  further  upon  his  journey.  The  vene- 
rable priests  no  sooner  heard  of  the  gentleman's  death,  than 
they  prudently  began  to  consult  the  good  of  the  church,  and 
what  means  appeared  to  them  the  most  likely  to  feather 
their  own  nest ;  as  this  must  needs  be  done,  either  by  the 
life  or  death  of  the  laity.  This  being  their  sole  intent,  it 
was  unanimously  agreed  to  refer  themselves  to  my  direc- 


20  DIALOGUES 

tion,  and  an  interview  in  the  apartment  of  the  principal  was 
requested.  Being  at  that  time  in  the  neighborhood,  I  imme- 
diately granted  their  petition,  and  presented  myself  among 
them  in  the  principal's  chamber ;  a  place  very  familiar  to  me. 
The  reverend  old  father  was  no  sooner  aware  of  my  arrival, 
than  he  arose  from  his  seat,  fell  prostrate  before  me,  to  do 
me  humble  greeting,  withal  expressing  the  most  grateful 
sense  of  my  care  and  condescension,  in  coming  so  soon  to 
their  assistance. 

Humble  salutation  past,  the  principal  addressed  me  in 
the  following  learned  manner.  "Worshipful  Prudence," 
for  that  is  the  name  I  am  known  by  among  them,  "we 
have  an  affair  of  great  importance  to  lay  before  you ;  and 
with  the  profoundest  humility  will  we  thank  you  for  your 
advice." 

Fastosus.  Nay,  Avaro,  if  you  talk  any  thing  about  that 
same  humility,  I  will  not  stay  a  moment  longer,  for  I  hate 
the  nature  of  it. 

AvARO.  You  need  not  be  offended,  sir ;  for  the  gentle- 
men in  question  have  as  little  of  that  as  your  heart  could 
wish  for.  It  is  not  the  nature,  but  the  mere  name  of  humility 
which  serves  the  purposes  of  priestcraft ;  and  which  he  and 
his  brethren  so  much  admired.  And  you  know,  sir,  that  the 
name  without  the  nature  of  humility,  is  nothing  but  pride  in 
disguise. 

Fastosus.  Well,  I  am  glad  they  have  no  more  of  it ;  for 
that  Humility  is  a  fellow  whom  I  abhor ;  hut  I  thank  my  stars 
it  is  very  seldom  that  I  meet  with  him ;  however,  when  he 
and  I  do  meet,  we  as  naturally  quarrel  as  the  elephant  and 
the  rhinoceros. 

AvARO.  I  assured  them  of  my  assistance,  and  the  old  par- 
son went  on  with  his  story.  "O!  thou  priest-governing 
spirit,  (said  he,)  thou  must  know,  that  about  eleven  of  the 
clock,  last  night,  a  neighboring  gentleman  went  out  of  this 
into  the  other  world,  leaving  behind  him  an  estate,  upwards 
of  ten  thousand  pounds  per  annum,  devolving  to  an  only 
son,  and  to  this  convent  has  left  no  more  than  fourscore 
crowns,  for  the  salutary  work  of  delivering  his  poor  soul 
from  the  dreadful  flames  of  purgatory.  1  do  not  know,  in- 
deed, but  our  great  lady,  whom  we  serve,  might  be  satisfied 
with  half  the  sum ;  but  we  thy  servants  are  not  so  easily 
pleased.  It  is  our  pious  desire  to  procure  as  much  of  the  young 


OF   DEVILS.  21 

matfs  estate,  as  by  any  means  we  can,  for  our  own  private 
use ;  as  none  of  us  can  tell  what  we  may  want  before  we 
die.  Besides,  we  do  not  know  but  so  large  an  estate,  de- 
volving unencumbered  upon  him,  may  be  the  means  of  ruin- 
ing the  soul  and  body  of  the  inexperienced  youth.  Now,  we, 
as  the  holy  guardians  of  his  salvation,  think  it  necessary, 
for  the  good  of  his  soul,  to  cut  off  as  much  as  wc  can  of  the 
fuel  of  his  lusts ;  well  knowing  how  dangerous  riches  are  to 
the  laity.  Thus,  great  patron,  I  have  revealed  the  pious  intent 
of  our  venerable  brotherhood ;  and,  lovely  spirit,  if  thou  canst 
by  thy  advice  serve  us  in  this  matter,  we  entreat  thee  to  do 
it ;  for  our  eyes  are  to  thee,  and  our  hearts  are  open  to  re- 
ceive thy  instructions." 

Fastosus.  Who  could  have  thought,  Avaro,  of  any  of 
your  disciples  being  exposed  to  such  exalted  piety  1  How- 
ever, it  was  piety  of  the  true  Romish  stamp,  greatly  admired 
by  the  venerable  clergy. 

Avaro.  Well,  said  I,  most  reverend  father,  let  not  your 
pious  mind  be  afflicted  about  the  young  gentleman's  soul. 
Let  you  and  your  worthy  brethren  observe  my  instructions ; 
and  I  shall  undertake  to  put  you  in  possession  of  the  greatest 
part  of  his  estate ;  which,  as  you  justly  observe,  will  greatly 
redound  to  the  safety  of  his  soul. 

Be  sure  that  you  bury  the  old  gentleman,  with  as  much 
seeming  sorrow  and  devotion  as  might  be  expected  from  a 
well-paid  parson ;  yea,  with  as  much  feigned  courtesy  to  the 
heir,  as  if  the  deceased  had  left  you  five  hundred  pounds. 
Then  be  sure  to  say  mass  for  him  to  your  lady,  St.  Dominick, 
St.  Francis,  or  to  the  saint  of  your  convent,  as  soon  as  pos- 
sible. That  being  done,  let  a  skilful  messenger  from  your 
reverences  v/ait  on  the  son  and  heir,  to  tell  him  that,  alas ! 
his  poor  father  has  got  much  deeper  into  purgatory  than  was 
expected,  on  account  of  some  sins  which  he  had  concealed 
from  his  confessor;  which  sins,  because  they  are  hidden, 
will  take  a  great  deal  of  burning,  unless  expiated  in  time  by 
frequent  masses.  Tell  him  that  you  are  not  certain,  but  you 
hope,  about  two  hundred  crowns,  laid  out  in  masses  to  some 
favorite,  loquacious  saint,  may  go  near  to  procure  his  deliv- 
erance. This  news  will  probably  so  surprise  the  youth,  that 
the  messenger  will  receive  the  money,  and  his  hearty  pray- 
ers into  the  bargain :  for  if  he  is  a  good  churchman,  it  will 


22  DIALOGUES 

not  be  easy  to  persuade  him  that  your  reverences  only  aim 
at  picking  his  pockets. 

Having  received  the  money,  you  must  take  care  not  to  go 
any  more  to  the  young  gentleman,  until  the  time  that  all 
tlie  masses  might  have  been  said :  then  go  to  him  again,  and 
tell  him  that  by  fervent  application  you  have  at  last  got  his 
father's  soul  v^^ithui  a  few  yards  of  the  surface  of  the  flames ; 
that  you  cannot  possibly  restore  him  an  inch  farther,  until 
more  masses  are  said  for  him ;  and  that  you  think  an  hun- 
dred crowns'  worth  more  may,  in  all  probability,  clear  him. 
This  being  received,  take  care  not  to  visit  him  agam  too 
soon,  but  wait  until  another  quantity  of  masses  might  have 
been  said.  At  a  proper  time  go  to  him  again:  expatiate  much 
upon  the  piety  of  your  brethren :  Tell  him,  that  by  their 
endeavors,  his  father  was  quite  discharged  from  the  court  of 
purgatory,  and  was  just  going  to  be  turned  out  at  the  head- 
end of  the  town,  when  it  happened,  most  unluckily,  that 
there  came  up  the  soul  of  a  woman,  whom  he  had  debauch- 
ed in  his  life-time ;  that  this  malicious  woman  had  brought 
an  action  against  him,  the  bill  was  found,  and  the  poor  old 
gentleman  condemned  to  fiercer  burnhigs  than  before,  which 
may  last  for  many  years,  unless  a  speedy  supply  of  money 
is  granted,  to  procure  friends  in  heaven  to  intercede  for  his 
release.  This  scheme  will  procure  you  double  the  former 
sums.  You  know,  father,  hidden  sins  take  a  great  deal  of 
burning. 

Six  or  eight  months  afterwards,  go  to  the  young  gentle- 
man again,  and  tell  him  that  you  laid  out  his  last  money  to 
the  best  advantage,  that  with  it  you  procured  half  a  dozen  of 
the  best  orators  in  heaven  to  plead  his  father's  cause ;  v/ho, 
by  their  fervent  supplications,  had  at  last  prevailed;  that 
the  old  gentleman  was  delivered  from  his  torments,  and  was 
led  in  triumph  to  the  gates,  to  be  dispatched  immediately 
for  glory.  But,  as  his  unlucky  stars  would  have  it,  just  as 
the  porter  opened  the  gate,  there  came  up  the  soul  of  a 
mendicant  friar,  whom  the  old  gentleman  had  in  his  life-time 
unhappily  beat,  and  now  openly  accused  him  of  this  almost 
unpardonable  crime :  on  which  account  he  was  remanded 
back  to  more  exquisite  torments  than  ever.  Tell  the  young 
gentleman  that  this  unhappy  accident  caused  such  grief  to 
the  brethren,  that  there  is  hardly  any  one  of  them  able  to 
/say  Ave-Maria ;  and  that  some  of  them  intend,  as  soon  as 


OF   DEVILS,  23 

their  strength  will  admit,  to  go  to  Jerusalem,  to  try  if  by 
any  means  they  can  procure  his  deliverance  at  the  holy  cross 
or  sepulchre. 

You  know  very  well,  reverend  father,  in  what  tender  and 
pious  strain  to  tell  your  story ;  and  to  make  it  penetrate  the 
deeper,  you  can  shed  a  few  crocodile  tears  over  it  If  you 
manage  wisely,  you  may,  in  this  case,  sell  your  tears  at 
more  than  a  crown  each.  Be  sure  thus  always  to  find  out 
some  impediment  or  other  to  the  old  man's  release.  You 
may  bring  him  often  to  the  gates,  but  if  once  you  let  him 
go  through,  all  your  hopes  are  over  from  this  quarter.  Care 
should  also  be  taken  to  inform  the  young  heir  of  the  tre- 
mendous curses  the  pope  has  denounced  against  those  impi- 
ous children,  who  enjoy  their  wealth  and  ease,  whilst  they 
suffer  their  poor  unhappy  parents  to  lie  roasting  in  purgato- 
ry, rather  than  pay  the  priests  for  delivering  them. 

Fastosus.  Ay,  Avaro !  But  what  if  the  young  gentle- 
man should  have  sense  enough  to  see  through  the  villany 
of  the  parsons,  and  courage  enough  to  refuse  the  money  ? 
How  then,  cousin  1 

AvARO.  That  was  what  I  was  going  to  tell  you,  sir. 
For,  continued  I,  if,  sir,  young  'squire  Great-purse  should 
have  sagacity  enough  to  see  through  your  scheme,  and  deny 
you  the  money,  let  one  of  your  most  devout  bretliren  assume 
the  ghost,  from  night  to  night  haunt  his  dwelling,  and,  in  an 
articulate  manner,  utter,  in  the  name  of  the  father  deceas- 
ed, the  most  dreadful  curses  against  his  undutiful  son,  who 
possesseth  a  large  estate  in  peace  and  pleasure,  whilst  his 
poor  father  lies  broiling  in  the  flames  of  purgatory.  By 
these  means  you  may  procure  either  all  or  most  of  the  es- 
tate to  yourselves. 

Fastosus.  An  excellent  scheme !  and,  from  what  I  have 
known  of  those  reverend  worthies,  exactly  suited  to  their 
taste  and  principles. 

AvARO.  It  was  so,  as  you  shall  hear :  For  I  had  no  sooner 
finished,  but  the  aged  father,  who  was  not  likely  to  live  to 
say  many  more  masses,  arose,  and,  with  tears  in  his  eyes, 
thanked  me  a  thousand  times  for  my  cordial  advice ;  pro 
testing  that  nothing  could  be  better  adapted  to  the  end  pro- 
posed, or  more  agreeable  to  the  principles  both  of  him  and 
his  brethren ;  assuring  me  that  they  would  follow  my  direc- 
tions, as  invariably  as  Saturn  does  his  orbit. 


24  DIALOGUES 

Fastosus.  By  this  account  of  the  Romish  priests,  it  ap- 
pears that  they  are  at  no  loss  for  merchandise.  Purgatorial 
fire,  holy  water,  masses,  dispensations,  pardons,  &c.  are 
commodities  which  do  not  require  a  very  large  capital,  and 
yet  are  attended  with  considerable  profits.  The  great  par- 
sons, over  and  above  the  tythe  of  the  lands,  have  very  ad- 
vantageous craft  by  this  means.  But  between  you  and  me, 
cousin,  it  is  all  the  merchandise  of  the  scarlet  strumpet. 

AvARO.  It  would  be  dangerous  to  our  interest,  if  the 
world  should  know  the  truth.  Then  our  great  vicegerent 
would  be  worshipped  as  a  god  no  more.  The  w^ondrous 
beast  which  ascended  out  of  the  sea  of  ignorance  and  error, 
would  be  torn  limb  from  limb,  and  his  carcass  given  to  the 
hawks  and  ravens. 

Fastosus.  So  then  I  find  you  are  a  papist  as  well  as  me. 
I  myself  have  large  concerns  among  the  clergy,  and  with 
none  more  than  his  holmess  the  pope,  the  great  parson  at 
Rome ;  the  parson  of  the  parsons.  This  universal  parson, 
though  he  pretends  to  be  descended  from  Peter,  my  enemy, 
hath  conceived  such  a  good  opinion  of  my  abilities,  that  he 
will  not  make  a  decree,  nor  publish  a  bull,  until  I  have  put 
the  finishing  hand  to  it.  You  know,  cousin,  that  I  am  none 
of  those  who  are  backward  in  showing  their  opinion,  but 
readily  dictate  to  all  who  refer  themselves  to  my  direction. 
As  to  his  holiness,  notwithstanding  he  is  the  father  of  the 
whole  church,  he  is  my  humble  servant ;  and,  as  I  said  be- 
fore, consults  me  upon  all  occasions.  The  advice  that  I 
give,  in  general,  is,  that  by  all  means  he  take  care  to  keep 
up  his  authority  over  the  consciences  and  liberties  of  man- 
kind :  and  the  same  advice  I  give  to  the  clergy  in  general. 
Hence  every  parson  attempts  to  reign  withm  his  own  dis- 
trict, despotic  and  supreme  over  the  consciences  of  the  peo- 
ple, who  are  obliged,  under  pain  of  damnation,  to  honor  him 
as  the  plenipotentiary  of  heaven,  and  the  a.rbitrary  distribu- 
ter of  blessings  and  curses.  I  advise  his  holiness  at  all 
events,  to  support  his  infallibility  beyond  the  scriptures  of 
truth,  and  his  supremacy  above  the  laws  of  God  or  man. 
This  same  advice  I  whisper  in  the  ear  of  my  clergy  in  gen- 
eral, who,  to  a  man,  agree  that  the  scripture  shall  not  pass 
with  toleration,  unless  it  is  dressed  in  the  garb  of  their 
interpretations.  As  such,  and  only  as  such,  it  is  imposed  on 
their  parishioners.     The  good  old  vicar  never  contradicts 


OF    DEVILS.  25 

any  thing  I  say,  notwithstanding  he  knows,  at  the  same 
time,  his  pretensions  to  be  a  cheat;  but  to  the  utmost  of  his 
power,  follows  the  directions  of  his  adored  Fastosus;  and 
never  did  mortal  man  show  more  implicit  obedience  to  the 
monarch  of  darkness. 

AvARo.  So  then  the  papists  worship  his  holiness  the 
pope,  and  he  worships  the  devil  Fastosus.  Is  not  this  the 
system  of  the  popish  divinity  in  a  few  words,  uncle  1 

Fastosus.  It  is  so ;  and  a  system  adhered  to  by  many 
who  are  called  Protestants.  For,  with  such  love  to  wealth 
and  honor  have  you  and  I  inspired  tliem,  that  although,  as 
reasonable  beings,  they  must  know  that  the  Almighty  Ruler 
will  bring  their  ways  into  impartial  scrutiny,  and  judge 
them  for  their  fallacious  guile ;  yet,  for  the  sake  of  worldly 
riches  and  honor,  at  all  events,  they  resolutely  follow  our 
directions. 

AvARo,  Ay,  sir,  that  is  the  heaven  of  the  priests.  They 
both  seek  and  have  their  reward.  The  fat  of  the  land  is  in 
their  possession,  and  they  are  honored  as  the  directors  of 
conscience.  And  yet  they  are  the  successors  of  the  apos- 
tles, who  had  neither  silver  nor  gold ;  and  yet  they  are  the 
ministers  of  Jesus,  who  would  not  receive  honors  from  men. 
And  yet  they  are  the  most  humble  creatures  that  ever  lived ; 
and  yet  it  is  death  to  contradict  them. 

Fastosus.  Having  made  sure  of  the  mighty  father  of 
the  world,  his  holiness  of  Rome,  to  join  issue  with  us  in 
promoting  our  interest  among  men ;  I  have  an  excellent  de- 
vice to  insure  all  the  other  ranks  of  his  dependent  clergy 
to  our  interest  likewise.  The  patriarchs  and  cardinals  are 
sure  to  prove  loyal  to  the  pope,  and,  of  consequence,  to  us, 
from  a  hope,  which  I  have  inspired  each  of  them  with,  of 
one  day  ascending  the  papal  throne  himself.  The  loyalty 
of  the  archbishops  is  insured  by  the  hope  of  a  cardinal's 
hat,  and  their  right  reverences  the  bishops  are  sure  to  re- 
main inoffensive  animals,  in  hope  of  attaining  in  some  fu- 
ture period  the  archiepiscopal  dignity.  The  same  devico 
runs  through  all  the  other  ranks  of  the  clergy,  and  thereby 
they  are  all  rendered  my  humble  servants.  By  these  things 
it  appears  that  we  are  likely  to  have  a  very  plentiful  har- 
vest. 

AvARO.  Doubt  it  not,  Fastosus.  Beelzebub's  regions  will 
be  well  provided  with  gentlemen  in  holy  orders,  who  are  so 


26  DIALOGUES 

dexterous  in  managing  the  cheat,  that  it  is  carried  on,  un- 
perceived  by  their  adorers.  Look  ye,  Fastosus  !  who  comes  T 
It  is  Crudelis !  Where  do  you  think  that  deformed  spirit 
can  be  going  now  1 

Fastosus.  He  is  on  the  scent  of  blood,  I  warrant  him. 
By  his  nature  he  might  have  been  got  by  a  panther,  and 
nursed  by  a  mountain  bear. 

AvARO.  Let  us  call  him,  sir;  perhaps  we  may  learn 
some  news  of  him.  So,  ho !  Crudelis ,  what,  not  a  word 
with  you  1 

Crudelis.  Hah,  gentlemen !  are  you  here  1  I  did  not 
think  of  meeting  with  you,  my  dear  friends  and  fellow  de- 
stroyers. How  do  you  do,  Fastosus  1  And  how  do  you  do, 
Avaro  ] 

Both.  We  are  pretty  well,  cousin ;  only  jaded  a  little 
with  constant  application  to  business.  But  pray,  Crudelis, 
how  have  you  been  employed  of  late  ! 

Crudelis.  Employed,  do  you  say?  Never  fear  me.  ] 
have  not  been  idle,  I  assure  you.  Do  you  suppose  that  I 
can  pick  up  no  game  hi  Britain,  in  this  golden  age !  If  you 
do,  you  are  greatly  mistaken.  It  is  tme,  that  some  of  the 
late  kings  of  England  have  been  my  avowed  enemies,  and 
as  far  as  in  them  lay,  have  expelled  me  the  kingdom.  But 
be  they  as  vigilant  as  they  will,  I  find  opportunity  of  break- 
ing througli  the  fences  which  they  have  reared  against  me ; 
when  you  may  be  sure,  if  I  cannot  get  great,  I  pick  up 
small  game,  of  which  I  can  only  give  you  a  very  small 
specimen  at  present.  In  one  place  I  persuaded  an  ambitious 
child  to  poison,  or  otherwise  kill,  an  old  cumbersome  parent, 
who  will  not  die  without  violent  measures.  I  prevailed 
with  a  rogue,  in  another  place,  to  dispatch  his  woman,  and 
her  brat,  to  preserve  his  own  reputation  and  estate.  In  a 
third,  I  stir  up  an  ambitious  servant  to  kill  and  plunder  his 
master.  And  frequently  I  can  prevail  with  one  gentleman 
to  kill  another  in  a  duel,  on  some  punctilio  of  false  honor. 
And  sometimes  I  persuade  the  despairing  wretch  to  lay  vio- 
lent hands  on  himself,  destroy  his  own  miserable  life,  and 
by  doing  so,  enter  upon  another  infinitely  more  miserable. 
Then  I  take  to  my  heels,  and  am  followed  with  a  hue  and 
cry  all  over  the  nation.  But  thank  you,  I  am  too  swift  for 
them  all.     I  never   give  them  time  to  say,  "Crudelis  is 


OF    DEVILS.  27 

here."  But  they  often  say,  "  These  are  the  tricks  of  that 
horrid  devil  Crudelis." 

Yesterday  I  was  attending  a  duel,  which  I  mj^self  stirred 
up,  (as  I  suppose  you  know  that  all  duels  are  of  my  insti- 
gation,) so  it  was  here ;  I  persuaded  the  ^^entlemen  com- 
batants to  fight  with  sword  and  pistol,  hoping  that  hotJi 
would  have  flillen  in  the  action.  But  though  my  de.sign  was 
good,  as  ill-luck  would  have  it,  it  miscarried,  and  only  one 
of  them  bit  the  ground.  However,  I  am  not  without  hope 
that  the  other  will  be  hanged  for  the  murder,  and,  if  so,  then 
I  have  my  design.  I  assure  you,  gentlemen,  I  use  my  ut- 
most endeavors  to  throng  the  nether  regions,  O,  my  brother 
destroyers !  I  could  tell  you  such  stories  as  would  make  you 
bless  yourselves,  and  adore  the  prince  Crudelis.  These  are 
but  trifling  things,  thrown  in  to  whet  your  appetite  against 
the  next  opportunity.  Then  you  shall  hear.  But  for  this 
time  I  must  be  going.  Adieu,  gentry,  for  I  smell  blood  at 
a  distance, 

Fastosus.  It  is  amazing  what  power  this  deformed  fiend 
hath  obtained  over  mankind.  What  ills,  so  very  different 
from  the  principles  of  humanity,  he  hath  by  his  barbarous 
insinuations  introduced.  What  is  very  surprising,  he  hath 
made  mankind  more  cruel  to  one  another,  than  we  infernal 
spirits  are  among  ourselves.  He  stirs  them  up  to  destroy 
and  devour  one  another :  but  we  are  never  known  to  quar- 
rel among  ourselves,  nor  to  make  war  upon  our  own  race. 
Be  that  the  part  of  foolish  man :  We  devils  are  masters  of 
4)etter  policy.  This  very  Crudelis  himself,  sanguine  as  he 
is  to  devour  blinded  mortals,  lays  aside  all  his  voracity, 
when  he  joins  our  black  assembly,  and  is  as  tame  a  devil  as 
any  of  us.  Well  may  you  and  I  destroy  with  success,  when 
such  a  deformed  lump  of  hell  as  Crudelis,  is  made  welcome 
among  them. 

AvARO.  But  with  your  leave,  sir,  as  Crudelis  is  gone,  let 
us  resum.e  our  discourse.  I  remember,  before  he  interrupted 
us,  you  briefly  hinted  that  you  were  somewhat  addicted  to 
religion,  and  that  you  are  a  papist  too.  T  was  never  wont 
to  consider  3'ou  as  a  religious  devil ;  much  less  did  I  think 
that  you  assumed  to  yourself  any  of  those  distinctions,  which 
divide  the  professedly  Christian  world.  I  thought,  formerly, 
that  the  great  Fastosus  had  dwelt  only  in  kings'  courts, 
ivith  people  of  soft  raiment,  and  occasionally  waited  on  the 


28  DIALOGUES 

nobility  and  gentry,  at  their  country-seats.     What!    the 
devil  Fastosus  a  papist  too  1 

Fastosus.  In  reality,  Avaro,  (to  make  use  of  a  human 
phrase)  your  ignorance  is  enough  to  provoke  the  very  devil. 
Do  you  not  know  yet,  if  I  were  not  jack  of  all  trades  and 
religions,  I  could  never  maintain  my  sway  over  men  as  I 
do.  I  have  very  great  concern  in  religious  matters,  I  as- 
sure you,  and  that  among  more  denominations  than  some 
people  like  to  hear  of  Sometimes  I  am  among  the  Pagans, 
worshipped  as  an  arch-flamin,  and  president  of  all  their  re- 
ligious orders.  Very  frequently  I  have  the  honor  of  filling 
the  papal  chair.  Then  I  am  adored  under  the  venerable 
names  of  Pius,  Innocent,  Benedict,  &c.  accounted  the  uni- 
versal pastor,  head  of  the  church,  and  father  of  the  whole 
world.  Occasionally  I  sit  as  judge  in  the  holy  inquisitive 
tribunal,  where  Concupiscentia  and  I  are  adored  as  divini- 
ties. Now  I  am  an  holy  mussulman,  and  styled  his  rever- 
ence mufti,  Muly  Alab.  Then,  before  you  are  aware,  I  am 
shut  up  in  a  cloister  with  the  nuns  and  friars,  whom  I  make 
more  proud  of  their  pretended  chastity  than  a  thousand 
saints  are  of  their  real  graces.  On  such  occasions,  I  am 
known  by  the  name  of  the  venerable  matron  Humility.  It 
happens,  also,  that  I  am  obliged  to  metamorphose  myself 
into  a  capuchin,  or  a  Palmerian  friar,  and  in  that  show  of 
self-denial  I  beg  my  bread  from  door  to  door.  By  these 
means  I  teach  the  fantastical  devotees  to  be  more  proud  of 
their  awkward  form,  and  voluntary  humility,  than  a  wise 
earl  would  be  of  all  his  landgraviate.  Anon,  I  change  my 
station,  and  find  myself  an  abbot  of  a  convent,  where  my 
depending  priests  and  brethren  worship  me  under  the  name 
of  the  holy  father.  Then,  very  soon  after,  you  will  find  me 
attending  the  worthy  confessor  in  his  visitation ;  when,  to 
be  sure,  I  persuade  his  self-conceited  reverence  that  he  is 
well-nigh  as  pure  as  the  most  holy  mother  pope  Joan,  a  for- 
tunate lady,  who,  a  few  centuries  ago,  became  head  of  the 
church,  and  mother  of  the  whole  world.  The  hermit,  in 
his  cell,  on  the  mountains  of  Ararat,  frequently  offers  his 
adoration  to  me,  and,  for  my  part,  in  return  for  his  obsequi- 
ousness, I  am  in  no  wise  sparing  of  my  exalting  influence. 
I  persuade  the  world-abdicating  wretch  that  his  solitary  resi- 
dence in  that  holy  asylum,  far  more  than  merits  a  mansion 
in  hea^^n ;  and,  at  his  peril,  that  he  stir  not  one  foot  from 


OF    DEVILS.  29 

thence,  to  go  down  into  an  ungodly  world :  the  mountain- 
top,  or  a  cell  in  tlie  desert,  being  the  best  place  imaginable, 
in  which  to  merit  everlasting  glory.  Tiie  worttiy  hermit 
admits  my  doctrine  to  be  true,  his  favorite  passion  is  gratified, 
and  he  obeys  implicitly  my  directions. 

AvARO.  Then  his  eremitical  reverence  never  questions 
the  goodness  of  his  heart,  I  perceive.  He  knows  not  that 
he  carries  a  spring  of  iniquity  within  himself,  even  to  the 
desert,  or  the  mountain's  top. 

Fastosus.  No,  no,  he  fears  no  evil  from  within.  If  he 
gets  to  a  distance  remote  enough  from  the  rest  of  mankind, 
he  can  repose  tlie  greatest  confidence  in  his  own  heart ;  and 
thereby  proclaims  his  folly  to  all  the  world.  I  assure  him, 
that  if  he  wnll  remain  during  life  in  his  cell,  when  he  comes 
to  die,  he  will  have  holiness  sufficient  for  himself;  and  a 
large  redundancy,  by  which  he  may  help  some  poor  friend 
out  of  purgatory. 

AvARO.  Hey  day!  how  different  was  Paul's  doctrine 
from  yours  and  the  hermit's,  Fastosus !  He  asserted  that 
by  the  works  of  the  law  no  flesh  living  should  be  justified ; 
but  you  and  he  believe  that  by  the  works  of  the  law  a  man 
may  be  more  than  justified.  Yea,  that  by  observing  of  things 
nowhere  commanded  in  the  law,  such  as  forsaking  society, 
counting  beads,  and  mumbling  prayers,  he  may  not  only  jus- 
tify himself,  but  help  another  to  justification. 

Fastosus.  Ay,  Avaro,  the  hermit  believes  so;  but  for 
my  part  I  believe  no  such  thing.  I  know  better,  though  I 
thus  delude  him.  But  to  pass  on  with  my  story,  I  can  tell 
you,  I  have  a  good  deal  of  employment  among  your  disci- 
ples, cousin,  and  with  them  I  work  wonders  of  compelled 
generosity.  I  meet  with  many,  who  never  had  the  heart 
to  perform  one  virtuous,  benevolent  action,  whilst  health 
continued  ;  who,  when  they  perceive  that  they  must  come 
to  a  reckoning  in  the  other  world,  are  very  assiduous  to  have 
their  accounts  balanced  aforehand.  I  persuade  them  to  leave 
a  massy  sum  to  this  hospital,  to  the  other  parish,  or  to  cer- 
tain meeting-houses.  Wlien  I  thus  direct  the  will  of  de- 
votees, one  leaves  gold  enough  to  build  a  chapel  for  our 
lady,  a  second  doth  the  like  for  St.  Peter,  and  a  third  for  St. 
Dominick.  But  in  general  they  are  most  fond  of  saints  of 
their  own  rearmg,  the  greatest  part  of  w^hom  are  now  made 
•constellations  in  the  nether  sky,  and  courtiers  to  the  prince 
C2 


30  DIALOGUES 

Beelzebub.  Ask  you  me,  Avaro,  what  end  the  testator  has 
in  those  pious  legacies'?  I  tell  you,  by  this  time  he  sees  that 
the  manner  in  which  he  got  and  kept  his  money,  has  not 
the  least  tendency  to  save  him  from  destruction;  and  he 
knows  but  one  way  to  avert  the  impending  judgment ;  that 
is,  to  leave  his  so  and  so  gotten  money  for  the  good  of  the 
church ;  and  that,  he  is  told,  never  fads  to  sanctify  every 
measure  to  procure  it.  Some  of  those  deluded  testators  are 
not  without  hope,  that,  in  some  future  period,  their  names 
will  be  enrolled  in  the  pope's  bible ;  and  their  shrines  adored 
in  the  Christian  pantheon,  at  Rome,  where  all  the  gods  of 
the  papal  hierarchy  are  enshrined. 

Avaro.  Good  Fastosus,  I  really  think,  that,  if  the  pa- 
pists would  act  in  character,  they  should  dedicate  their  tem- 
ples to  St.  Judas,  St.  Demas,  St.  Demetrius,  St.  Alexander 
the  coppersmith,  &c.  for  they  are  the  genuine  offspring  of 
those  celebrated  heroes. 

Fastosus.  Their  very  descendants,  cousin.  You  and  I, 
who  know  what  we  see,  can  discern  no  essential  difference 
between  the  holy  Roman  Catholic  religion,  and  that  of  the 
ancient  pagans.  It  was  the  most  excellent  device  imagina- 
ble to  introduce  paganism  under  the  specious  show  of  ortho- 
dox and  infallible  Christianity.  And  I  can  tell  you,  there 
is  no  essential  diffeitjnce  between  the  popish  religion,  and 
that  of  some  sects  of  very  staunch  Protestants;  but  these 
things  we  must  keep  to  ourselves;  for  I  would  not,  for  ever 
so  much,  our  people  should  know  that  the  popish  religion  is 
diabolic. 

Avaro.  I  should  be  glad  to  hear  it  made  out,  uncle,  how 
the  religion  of  some  Protestants  is  much  the  same  with  that 
of  the  papists:  this  being  well  cleared  up  will  yield  me 
groat  pleasure. 

Fastosus.  I  can  clear  it  up,  Avaro.  And  shall,  at  a 
time  convenient;  but  not  now.  I  must  go  and  put  the  fin- 
ishing hand  to  my  lady's  robes.  To-morrow  I  shall  meet 
you  here.  Adieu. 

Avaro.  Well,  seeing  my  uncle  is  gone,  I'll  go  and  hide 
the  lawyer's  money  in  a  place  of  safety,  and  return  to  some 
business  which  I  promised  to  transact  for  my  worthy  chil- 
dren. 


OF    DEVILS.  31 

DIALOGUE  III. 

INFIDELIS    AND    IMPIATOR. 

The  way  being  clear  by  the  departure  of  Fastosus  and 
Avaro,  I  came  out  of  my  lurking  place,  in  order  to  make 
what  discoveries  I  could  in  the  valley,  which  I  now  knew 
to  be  a  rendezvous  for  those  evil  spirits,  who  so  dreadfully 
haVe  enslaved  mankind.  I  had  not  gone  far,  before  my 
alarmed  imagination  transformed  every  thing  I  saw  into  a 
devil;  the  croaking  of  the  raven  was  as  dreadful  as  the 
voice  of  an  hobgoblin ;  and  the  shrieking  of  the  owl  as  ter- 
rible as  the  roaring  of  ApoUyon.  Every  distant  bush  seem- 
ed to  bear  tlie  aspect  of  some  devouring  fiend,  so  powerful 
was  the  influence  of  my  imagination.  Curiosity,  however, 
had  still  the  ascendency  over  my  fears;  and  I  wandered 
from  place  to  place,  seeking  for  something  new.  At  length 
I  saw,  at  some  distance,  a  tall  gigantic  form,  slowly  moving 
towards  me.  A  form  nearly  as  huge  as  the  steeple  of  St. 
Cuthbert's  churcii,  at  Dulmensis.  Every  time  he  contract- 
ed his  extensive  chest,  he  darkened  the  air  with  the  breath 
which  issued  from  his  expanded  nostrils,  as  pillars  of  smoke 
from  the  chimney  of  a  fire-engine :  smaller  streams  of  the 
same  darkening  vapor  came  curling  forth  from  his  armpits, 
and  every  pore  of  his  skin,  so  that  wherever  he  came  he 
blackened  the  air  around  him. 

Now,  thought  I,  m}-  life  is  not  worth  two-pence,  if  yon- 
der demon  lay  hold  on  me.  Therefore  I  ran  with  full  speed 
to  the  cliff  of  the  rock,  where  I  had  lurked  so  secure  be- 
fore: and  having  taken  sanctuary  in  the  subterraneous  cell, 
I  gathered  so  much  courage  as  to  peep  out,  that  I  might 
learn  what  was  become  of  the  terrible  monster.  I  saw  that 
he  was  got  almost  to  the  door  of  my  cave.  Frightened  I 
was,  you  may  be  sure;  nevertheless,  I  comforted  myself 
with  the  thought,  that  such  a  tremendous  bulk  could  not  en- 
ter my  narrow  retreat.  He  said  to  himself  (his  voice  as  he 
spoke  resemblmg  hollow  thunder)  "  I  thought  I  had  seen 
the  honorable  Fastosus,  and  the  careful  Avaro,  walking 
here  just  now ;  but  I  might  be  mistaken ;  or  if  they  have 
been  here,  they  are  gone  on  our  great  father's  business,  no 


32  DIALOGUES 

doubt  Well,  seeing  it  is  so,  I  will  take  a  tarn  or  two  in 
the  vale,  and  then  return  to  my  business  again." 

Notwitlistanding  all  the  tremor  of  my  mind,  I  was  eager 
to  know  what  he  was,  and  how  he  came  hither ;  but  durst 
not  discover  myself,  lest  he  should  prove  a  devil  of  the  can- 
nibal kind,  which  if  he  should,  I  thought  that  he  would 
scarce  make  one  mouthful  of  my  diminutive  carcass.  But 
when  he  mentioned  going  to  business  again,  I  queried 
whether  he  might  not  be  one  of  Vulcan's  smiths,  come  out 
of  the  forge  to  take  a  refreshing  walk ;  then  I  recollected, 
and  asked  myself,  "  If  he  is  one  of  the  cyclops,  how  came 
he  to  be  acquainted  w^ith  tlie  devils  Fastosus  and  Avaro  ]" 
I  continued  in  this  dreadful  suspense  for  some  time,  until  at 
last  seeing  one  of  his  companions,  he  entered  into  discourse 
with  him.  I  found  that  his  name  was  Infidelis,  and  that 
of  the  other  Impiator. 

Infidelis.  Impiator,  my  child,  how  do  you  do?  I  am 
glad  to  meet  my  son  in  the  vale  of  horrors,  in  so  lucky  an 
hour. 

Impiator.  Hah,  my  worshipful  father,  Infidelis !  Am  I 
so  happy  as  to  meet  with  you  here]  My  venerable  sire, 
how  do  you  do  ? 

Infidelis.  I  thank  you,  son,  very  well.  Notwithstand- 
ing my  great  age,  and  hurry  of  business,  I  do  not  find  the 
least  decay  in  my  constitution,  but  rather  seem  to  grow 
stronger  ;  and  indeed  there  is  a  prediction  on  record,  that  I 
shall  be  strongest  at  the  last. 

What  pleasure  does  it  give  me,  my  dear  Impiator,  to 
hear  that  you  are  so  successful,  in  ensnaring  the  minds  and 
corrupting  the  morals  of  mankind,  throughout  every  nation 
of  the  world.  If  what  I  hear  of  you  be  true,  you  approve 
yourself  a  right  chip  of  the  old  block.  I  rejoice  that  some 
of  all  ranks  and  degrees  of  people  are  so  subjected  to  our 
sway.  I  am  told  that  many,  even  of  the  professors  of  reli- 
gion, fondly  caress  you,  my  son. 

Impiator.  Indeed,  sir,  it  must  not  be  denied  that  my 
kmgdom  is  in  a  growing  condition,  all  over  the  world.  I 
think  I  was  hardly  ever  so  much,  and  never  more  caressed 
than  I  am  now.  Even  in  pagan  nations,  heretofore  remark- 
able for  uprightness  and  temperance,  I  have  introduced  the 
fashionable  vices  of  the  Christian  world  :  so  that  an  Indian 
will  drink  and  swear  even  with  an  Englishman;  and  lie 


OF    DEVILS.  33 

and  cheat  as  fast  as  a  Gaul  or  an  Hollander.  Greatly  am  I 
beholden  to  a  certain  company  for  instructing  the  eastern 
world  in  tlie  learned  arts  of  violence,  rapine,  and  mur- 
der. Not  to  dwell,  however,  on  the  conversion  of  the  pa- 
gans to  the  vices  of  nominal  Christians,  much  improvement 
has  been  made  even  in  Christendom  itself,  of  which,  take 
the  following  instances  out  of  many  that  might  be  given. 

It  is  not  a  vast  number  of  years  since  your  son  Impiator 
was  held  in  perfect  disdain  in  Scotland ;  but  now  I  have 
chosen  many  legions  of  the  Caledonians  for  myself  I  think 
I  ought  rather  to  say,  that  being  quite  tired  of  tlie  service 
of  Sobriety,  a  prince  of  another  family,  they  made  choice 
of  me  for  their  ruler.  But  you  know,  father,  that  I  am  no 
scholar,  therefore  improprieties  in  my  speech  are  not  at  all 
to  be  wondered  at.  However,  I  have  reduced  the  Scotch 
to  such  a  veneration  for  my  once  hated  person,  that  they 
have  cordially  embraced  the  ornamental  vices  of  the  Eng- 
lish nation ;  such  as  sabbath-breaking,  whoring,  drunken- 
ness, swearing,  gambling,  &c. ;  but  whether  they  will  be  as 
successful  in  obtaining  pensions  from  the  government,  after 
they  have  gambled  away  their  estates,  is  not  so  easy  to  de- 
termine. The  conquest  of  the  Scotch,  sir,  is  the  more 
agreeable  to  me,  because,  as  I  said,  there  was  a  time,  when 
those  vices  were  hardly  so  much  as  known  in  that  country; 
now,  who  but  Profanity  in  all  their  towns  1  Nor  am  I  with- 
out my  worshippers  in  the  country,  even  among  their  Pres- 
byterian parsons  themselves. 

Infidelis.  Glad  am  I  that  my  lovely  child  has  subdued 
the  stubborn  Scotch.  For  I  well  know  that  the  Presbyte- 
rians there  resisted  your  influence  long  after  I  had  erected 
my  standard  in  the  land ;  yea,  after  multitudes  flocked  to  it, 
and  swore  allegiance  to  the  great  Infidelis.  But  how,  my 
son,  hast  thou  so  happily  accomplished  this  change] 

Impiator.  Really,  sir,  I  obtamed  help  from  a  quarter 
whence  there  was  not  the  least  reason  to  expect  it.  I  mean 
from  the  parsons,  the  spiritual  guides  ^f  the  people.  It  hap- 
pened thus:  The  parsons  of  the  kirk  quarrelled  among 
themselves,  and  divided  into  two  parties ;  one  of  which  for- 
sook their  mother  kirk,  and  very  solemnly  delivered  up  the 
other  party  to  the  devil ;  on  the  other  hand,  the  reverend 
gentlemen,  who  abode  in  the  kirk,  in  the  like  spirit  of  de- 
votion, delivered  up  the  schismatics,  parson  and  people,  to 


34  DIALOGUES 

Beelzebub.  Beelzebub,  who  you  know  is  never  backward 
in  receiving  a  gift  of  this  kind,  finding  that  all  the  presby- 
terians  in  Scotland  were  thus  in  full  tale  made  over  to  him, 
laid  his  hands  upon  as  many  of  them  as  he  could  conveni- 
ently reach,  and  made  such  use  of  them  as  greatly  assisted 
my  operations.  Little  was  now  to  be  heard  in  the  pulpit, 
except  railing,  scolding,  calling  ill  names,  and  tossing 
anathemas,  from  one  party  to  the  other.  Thus  while  they 
went  on  bandying  curses,  we  went  on  persuading  the  peo- 
ple that  religion  is  a  farce,  and  that  true  happiness  consists 
in  present  gratification ;  and  this  doctrine,  readily  aftecting 
the  heart  and  senses,  was  eagerly  received,  and  my  govern- 
ment established. 

Infidelis.  It  was  a  favorable  juncture  indeed;  and  I 
have  often  remarked,  that  if  there  was  any  turn  of  reli- 
gious affairs  much  in  our  favor,  for  the  most  part,  we  have 
parsons  to  thank  for  their  assistance  in  it.  Many  instances 
of  this  might  be  given.  But  I  pray  thee,  my  son,  didst  thou 
ever  hear  of  my  original,  and  the  nature  of  my  government? 

Impiator.  No,  not  I,  indeed.  You  know,  sir,  I  was  born 
with  evident  signs  of  stupidity,  and  therefore  could  never 
read ;  and,  to  tell  you  the  truth,  all  my  cares  are  in  the 
present  tense,  without  inquiring  into  either  originals  or  ter- 
minations. 

Infidelis.  All  this  I  know,  my  child.  But,  as  we  are 
secure  from  mortal  auditors,  being  in  Horrida  Vallis,  if  you 
can  spare  a  little  time,  I  will  give  you  some  account  of  my 
rise  and  progress.  Perhaps  it  may  have  a  happy  tendency 
to  promote  your  destructive  designs,  and  so  strengthen  the 
pillars  of  the  elevated  throne  of  great  Profanity.  What  I 
relate  you  may  depend  upon  for  truth:  for,  although  we 
seldom  speak  any  thing  but  lies  to  mankind,  one  devil  may 
well  enough  depend  upon  the  word  of  another. 

Impiator.  Yes,  that  we  may,  sir ;  and  I  presume  if  man- 
kind were  to  hear  what  passetli  at  our  private  conferences, 
they  would  not  continue  long  so  fond  of  our  service  as  they 
are  at  present.  As  to  your  story,  sir,  I  am  ready  to  hear  it. 
Perhaps,  as  you  say,  I  may  profit  by  it. 

Infidelis,  Well  then,  my  son,  you  will  observe  that  I  am 
of  a  very  great  age,  well-nigh  as  old  as  the  world,  which 
you  see  is  worn  quite  threadbare,  and  will  in  a  little  time 
be  folded  up  as  an  old  garment  of  no  use.   As  to  my  original, 


OF    DEVILS.  35 

I  can  tell  you  that  I  am  well  descended ;  of  royal  lineage, 
I  assure  you.  Great  Beelzebub  himself  begat  me,  and  my 
sister  Ignorantia,  on  Eve,  the  mother  of  all  living  on  earth. 
When  1  came  to  years  of  maturity,  he  gave  me  Jgnorantia, 
my  fellow-twin,  to  wife;  and  by  her  I  had  you,  with  your 
worthy  brethren,  Avaro,  Falax,  Crudelis,  and  your  sisters, 
Perfidia,  Concupisccntia,  &c.  At  the  same  time  my  elder 
brother  Fastosus,  who  had  Inscientia,  a  lady  of  remarkable 
beauty,  given  him  to  wife,  begat  on  her  Ambitiosus,  Contu- 
max,  Discordans,  and  their  sisters  Malevolentia,  Iracundia, 
and  a  large  train  of  excellent  worthies,  famous  in  the  annals 
of  the  nether  regions. 

As  soon  as  I  was  bom,  I  stood  up  like  a  stupendous  wall 
betwixt  the  Creator  and  the  creature,  so  that  blessings,  of  a 
spiritual  kind,  could  not  descend  from  God  to  man,  nor 
could  obedience  ascend  from  man  to  God.  One  of  the  first 
things  I  did  was  to  maim  their  moral  powers,  and  accom- 
plish an  union  betwixt  them  and  my  great  father  Beelzebub. 
Such  an  union  I  did  establish,  as  nothing  natural  shall  ever 
be  able  to  dissolve. 

Impiator.  Ha !  my  sire,  you  began  very  early  indeed. 
Vou  spent  little  idle  time  in  your  infancy;  and  proved  very 
successful  in  your  first  enterprise  too ! 

Infidelis.  I  have  no  reason  to  complain  for  want  of  suc- 
cess, I  assure  you.  But  you  shall  hear.  The  very  moment 
I  was  brought  forth,  the  great  Beelzebub  gazed  upon  me 
with  all  the  admiration  of  a  father  infernal,  and  said,  that  I 
was  the  loveliest  babe  his  eyes  ever  beheld.  Multitudes  of 
his  sable  menials,  flocking  together,  were  likewise  aston- 
ished at  my  beauties.  Such  majestic  grace  displayed  itself 
in  my  countenance,  though  then  but  an  infant,  that  all 
agreed  "  I  was  father's  own  child."  Moreover,  such  were 
their  hopes  of  my  usefulness,  that  great  Beelzebub,  and  his 
peers,  did  what  they  could,  sparing  neither  pains  nor  ex- 
pense, to  have  me  transported  to  hell,  to  be  nursed  up  at  the 
infernal  court;  believing  that  my  presence  would  greatly 
alleviate  their  distress,  and  prevent  their  trembling  on  the 
thoughts  of  futurity.  But  my  constitution  being  altogether 
earthy,  it  was  found  by  experience  that  the  infernal  air  was 
too  hot  for  me,  and  that  I  could  not  live  within  the  confines 
of  the  damned.  Earth,  my  child,  only  earth  is  my  habita- 
tion.   Here  I  was  bom,  and  here  I  suppose  I  must  die. 


36  DIALOGUES 

Impiator.  With  your  leave,  father,  T  think  I  have  some- 
where heard,  that  all  who  are  now  the  inhabitants  of  the 
deep  are  unbelievers.  How  comas  this  to  pass,  if  the  great 
Infidelis  cannot  live  in  those  torrid  regions. 

Infidelis.  I  perceive,  child,  tliat  you  are  no  great  profi- 
cient in  theology.  As  for  me,  I  have  dealt  against  divme 
matters  all  my  days.  It  is  your  province  to  counteract 
moral  principles,  not  mterfering  much  with  things  divme ; 
and  my  province  to  oppose  truth,  rather  than  promote  im- 
morality ;  therefore  I  shall  inform  you  how  it  comes  to  pass. 
Ejiow  then,  that  what  a  man  is  when  he  dies,  such  he  is  in 
the  eye  of  the  moral  law  to  all  eternity ;  for  death  casts  the 
die,  and  in  the  same  posture  in  which  the  tree  falls  it  must 
lie  for  ever :  but  with  infidelity  they  never  more  agree.  For 
instance,  many  of  them,  whilst  on  earth,  could  not  be  pre- 
vailed on  to  believe  that  there  is  a  God  ;  but  in  hell  they  are 
feelingly  convinced  of  the  truth  of  this  doctrine.  Now  they 
believe  that  there  is  a  terrible  God,  and  that  they  are  fallen 
into  his  dreadful  hands.  Search  hell  through  all  its  corners, 
ransack  every  furnace  in  the  fiery  world,  and  you  will  find 
never  an  atheist  therein.  Others,  whilst  on  earth,  were  not 
quite  so  stupid  as  to  imagine  that  this  beautiful  world,  and 
all  things  therein,  came  into  existence  of  themselves,  and 
that  the  economy  of  nature  fs  whdlly  effected  by  chance  : 
therefore,  they  assented  to  the  being  of  God ;  but  deemed 
it  enthusiasm  to  suppose  that  this  God  should  subject  his 
creatures  unto  a  written  law.  They  sneered  at  the  authority 
of  the  scriptures ;  ridiculed  every  part  of  instituted  worship ; 
and  gloried  in  their  infidelity.  Bat  now,  they  are  sentenced 
to  hell,  and  have  had  a  specimen  of  eternal  torment,  they 
most  sincerely  believe  thd  veracity  of  the  scriptures;  finding 
themselves  to  have  been  judged  acccording  to  what  is  writ- 
ten in  them.  Others,  whilst  health  and  strength  continued 
with  them,  supposed  God  was  only  jesting,  when  he  threat- 
ened the  sinner  with  the  vengeance  of  eternal  fire;  but  now 
they  are  in  hell,  enduring  that  vengeance,  they  verily  be- 
lieve that  he  was  in  earnest.  In  short,  son,  many  of  them 
disbelieved  that  tuere  is  either  God  or  devil,  heaven  or  hell ; 
but  now,  all  these  things  are  certain,  even  to  demonstration, 
with  them ;  they  havmg  been  driven  to  associate  with  the 
peers  of  darkness. 

The  very  best  of  historical  faith  is  to  be  found  in  hell. 


OF    DEVILS.  37 

There  are  millions  now  inliabiting  there,  who,  when  on 
earth,  could  boast  that  they  had  good  hearts,  and  believed 
well  all  their  days,  but  who  never  began  in  reality  to  be- 
lieve the  report  of  the  bible,  until  they  tasted  the  sulphur 
of  the  lake.  Then  they  believed  very  sincerely,  though 
very  much  against  their  inclination.  Now  do  you  imder- 
stand  me,  when  I  tell  you  that  unbelief  cannot  live  in  hell? 

Impiator.  Yes ;  but  you  amaze  me,  sir !  I  never  heard 
so  much  before.  What  a  learned  devil  you  are !  The  fa- 
mous pope  Hellbrand  himself  could  not  have  discussed  the 
subject  with  greater  accuracy.  One  may  see  from  you 
what  it  is  to  be  conversant  with  popes,  councils,  convoca- 
tions, and  the  clergy.  But  in  our  country  all  the  conversa- 
tion runs  upon  horse-coursing,  card-playing,  cock-fighting, 
fox-hunting,  whore-making,  swearing,  lying,  cheating  and 
drinking.  Not  a  word  about  religion,  unless  it  is  to  damn 
the  parson  for  a  sanctified  hypocrite.  And  more,  sir,  I  never 
knew  that  I  had  so  many  brethren  and  sisters  before.  Right 
well  I  knew  that  I  was  begotten  by  you ;  but  I  looked  on 
myself  as  your  only  son  by  Ignorantia,  my  mother.  Those 
honorable  spirits,  whom  you  mention  as  my  brethren,  I  al- 
ways took  to  have  been  sons  of  Beelzebub,  your  brethren 
and  my  uncles.  I  should  never  have  thought  of  a  fraternal 
relation  subsisting  between  them  and  myself,  in  any  other 
way  than  co-operation. 

Infidelis.  You  have  been  greatly  mistaken,  Impiator; 
for  Beelzebub  never  begat  a  son  besides  myself,  and  my 
brother  Fastosus,  who  is  something  older  than  I.  I  am  aware 
that  there  are  some  who  allege  that  Contumax,  Crudelis, 
Discordans,  &c.  are  the  natural  children  of  the  great  Beel- 
zebub ;  but  it  is  a  mistake ;  for  they  are  only  his  grandchil- 
dren, sons  to  my  brother  Fastosus.  The  very  moment  that 
Ck)ntumax  was  brought  forth,  our  great  father  Beelzebub, 
with  all  his  adherents,  were  cast  down  from  the  ineffable 
heights  of  primeval  glory,  to  the  depths  of  bottomless  perdi- 
tion ;  and,  according  to  a  certain  historian,  were  nine  natu- 
ral days  in  fallino-.  Now,  my  dear  Impiator,  by  this  ac- 
count, Contumax  is  your  cousin,  and  my  nephew.  So  that 
you  are  not  only  a  brother  in  government  with  those  illus- 
trious princes ;  but  sprung  from  the  same  famous  ancestors 
with  them. 

Impiator.    Indeed,  sir,  I  am  astonished  at  your  story; 


38  DIALOGUES 

but  you  know  that  I  am  no  scholar,  and  that  ought  to  excuse 
for  my  ignorance  of  matters  so  profound.  Besides,  such 
things  very  seldom  make  a  great  impression  on  my  mind, 
being  quite  out  of  my  latitude.  However,  I  should  be  glad 
to  know  how  your  extensive  government  was  established, 

Lnfidelis.  How  it  elates  my  mind,  to  hear  my  dear  Im- 
piator  express  desire  after  instruction !  I  will  inform  you  as 
far  as  I  myself  have  known.  My  kingdom,  which  is  indeed 
extensive,  was  established  as  follows.  As  soon  as  I  was 
born,  I  began  to  call  in  question  the  truth,  goodness,  and 
authority  of  the  Almighty ;  and  in  every  respect  set  myself 
to  oppose  the  Eternal,  by  contradicting  every  word  which 
he  spake  to  man. 

For  instance,  when  God  said  to  man,  "  Thou  shalt  not  eat 
of  the  fruit  of  such  and  such  a  tree ;"  although  then  in  my 
infancy,  I  stepped  up  to  man,  and  thus  interrogated  him : 
Hath  God  indeed  said  so  1  are  you  sure  of  it  ?  are  you  not 
mistaken,  think  you  ]  You  must  needs  have  misunderstood 
him ;  for  it  cannot  be  consistent  with  the  goodness  of  such  a 
being  as  God  is,  to  forbid  your  eating  the  fruit  of  such  a  di- 
vine tree.  And  as  God  had  said,  "  In  the  day  you  eat 
thereof  you  shall  surely  die,"  I  addressed  myself  to  man 
after  tliis  manner.  Die  too !  nay,  ye  shall  not  die.  That 
is  only  an  empty  threatening,  to  keep  your  conscience  in 
awe ;  for  God  doth  very  well  know,  that  if  you  eat  of  that 
precious  fruit  ye  shall  be  Gods,  like  himself,  having  know- 
ledge of  good  and  evil.  For  this  it  is  that  he  hath  prohibited 
the  use  of  this  divine  tree.  My  brother,  Fastosus,  also  per- 
formed wonders  on  this  occasion.  By  these  means  I  brought 
over  man  to  my  obedience.  Thus  I  established  my  interest 
upon  earth,  and  hitherto  I  have  maintained  it.  With  safety 
may  I  say  that  my  good  friends,  both  parsons  and  people,  to 
this  day,  love  me  as  their  lives,  and  at  any  time  sooner  take 
the  bare  word  of  the  adored  lnfidelis,  than  the  word  and  oath 
of  the  God  of  Heaven. 

Impiator.  Why  sir,  you  began  from  a  child  to  work  the 
delig/itful  works  of  darkness. 

Infidelts.  Yes,  I  am  the  eldest  of  all  the  Beelzebubian 
offspring,  Fastosus  alone  excepted ;  and  I  yield  in  point  of 
government  to  none  of  the  princes.  Fastosus  and  I,  indeed, 
have  a  dispute  between  us,  concerning  the  extent  of  our 
earthly  territories.  I  can  freely  allow  him  the  pre-eminence 


OF    DEVILS.  39 

with  respect  to  his  angelic  dominions;  but  I  can  never  be 
brought  to  own  that  his  sway  over  mankind  is  more  exten- 
sive than  mine,  nor  yet  more  sovereign.  I  yield  to  none  in 
this  debate ;  for  all  men  are  included  under  my  govern- 
ment :  and  what  makes  greatly  for  my  interest  is,  that  the 
far  greater  part  of  them  cannot  be  persuaded  that  I  have 
any  real  existence.  Thus  it  is,  my  dear  Impiator,  I  reign 
almost  universally  over  mankind,  and  they  perceive  it  not. 
Many  thousands  of  those  good  people,  who  believe  nothing 
of  my  existence,  and  who,  in  their  own  imagination,  had  be- 
lieved well  all  their  days,  have  I  conducted  very  safely  down 
to  the  dark  abodes  of  ever-gnawing  anguish ;  within  which 
they  weve  no  sooner  entered  and  began  to  taste  of  the  en- 
tertainment, than  they  were  fully  convinced  they  had  never 
believed  aright.  It  is  the  unparalleled  dexterity  of  our  ad- 
ministration, that  all  our  works  are  performed  in  obscurity. 
And,  let  me  tell  thee,  child,  it  will  require  a  better  light, 
than  any  natural  ray  of  the  human  understanding,  to  trace 
■and  detect  our  deep  intrigues.  Thus  far,  with  respect  to 
myself  and  government.  I  shall  take  it  kmd  if  you  will,  in. 
your  turn,  oblige  me  with  some  account  of  yours,  my  son. 

Impiator.  Yes,  sir,  your  command  shall  be  mstantly 
obeyed ;  yet  upon  thia  condition  only,  that  you  excuse  my 
inaccuracies ;  because  I  know  myself  to  be  the  most  illiterate 
devil  of  the  fraternity,  and  cannot  speak  like  the  courtly 
Fastosus,  the  reverend  Infidelis,  or  the  intelligent  Falax. 

Infidelis.  No  apoloo-ies,  Impiator.  We  all  know  that 
neither  you,  nor  your  disciples,  have  any  taste  for  learning. 
Therefore,  we  expect  not  to  hear  you  speak  as  an  orator, 
but  as  a  plain,  illiterate  devil. 

Impiator.  Then  I  proceed.  My  kingdom  doth  not  consist 
of  all  the  land  known  by  the  name  of  Impiety-Real,  as  some 
geographers  allege,  several  provinces  being  made  over,  by 
■treaty,  to  my  uncle  Fastosus ;  such  as  the  provinces  of  Ci- 
vility, Legality,  Presumption  and  Formality.  I  reign  openly 
only  over  the  land  called  Impiety  Enormous;  and  in  our 
country  the  laws  are  as  black  as  the  bottomless  pit;  for 
there  iniquity  is  established  by  authority.  As  to  the  rest  of 
my  kmgdom,  it  was,  like  all  the  branches  of  Beelzebub's 
government,  accomplished  by  subtilty  and  guile.  For  man, 
considered  simply  as  a  creature,  could  never  have  been  sub- 
lepted  to  my  sway ;  for  this  reason  I  was  put  to  my  shifts, 


40  DIALOGUES 

to  find  out  some  proper  method  for  introducing  my  regal 
power. 

So  violent  was  the  opposition  to  it,  that  my  brain  was  put 
to  the  utmost  torture;  and  after  all  I  should  have  been 
obliged  to  return  to  my  native  country,  with  my  finger  in 
my  mouth,  had  it  not  been  for  the  timely  assistance  I  receiv- 
ed from  my  worthy  friends  and  relations.  My  good  old 
mother,  who,  you  know,  hath  an  excellent  hand  at  a  dead 
lift,  by  means  peculiar  to  herself,  kicked  up  such  a  dust  as 
almost  put  out  the  eyes  of  one  of  the  most  vigilant  and  for- 
midable of  my  numerous  adversaries :  a  captain,  from  whose 
hand  I  had  much  to  fear.  His  name  was  Intellectus.  From 
that  time  to  this,  he  hath  been  incapable  of  discerning  my 
deformities,  and  the  danger  to  which  men  are  exposed  by 
my  dominion.  And  what  makes  very  much  for  me,  the  old 
gentleman  can  hardly  be  persuaded  but  his  eyesight  is  now 
as  good  as  ever  it  was.  I  need  not  tell  you  the  advantages 
that  resulted  to  me  from  this  his  deception.  At  the  same 
time  my  worthy  uncle  Fastosus  came  up  to  the  second,  a 
sturdy  chief,  whose  name  was  Volens,  as  tradition  says,  and 
he  gave  his  back  a  most  dreadful  wrench,  insomuch  that  he 
has  never  recovered  his  former  posture.  I  myeclf  took  a 
poisonouis,  or  rather  an  intoxicating  apple,  and  having  gilded 
it  over  with  leaf-gold,  presented  it  to  the  third,  whose  name, 
if  I  remember  right,  was  Rationalis.  It  answered  my  expect- 
ation. He  swallowed  the  bait,  and  ever  since  has  called 
bitter  sweet,  and  sweet  he  hath  called  bitter. 

This  triumvirate  being  thus  disabled,  I  found  my  conquest 
extremely  easy ;  and,  without  any  struggle,  on  the  part  of 
the  rest,  I  confined  them  to  incessant  labor  and  drudgery, 
in  the  different  parts  of  my  extended  territories,  where  they 
are  as  content  as  possible  with  their  condition,  many  of  them 
believing  they  are  still  in  the  garden  of  paradise. 

Infidelis.  Indeed,  learned  or  unlearned,  you  display  un- 
common merit.  Great  is  my  honor  and  happiness  in  having 
such  a  son.  The  potent  Impiator  will  do  honor  to  the  vene- 
rable name  of  Infidelis  to  the  end  of  the  world.  Well,  my 
son,  will  you  please  to  proceed  1 

Impiator,  Perhaps  you  have  heard  that  my  kingdom  is 
divided  into  several  cantons,  according  to  the  dispositions  of 
my  subjects,  each  canton  having  its  proper  employments. 

1.  There  is  a  canton  of  drunkards,  out  of  which  I  select 


OF    DEVILS.  41 

all  my  courtiers,  and  officers  in  general.  This  canton  has 
several  communications  with  all  the  other  parts  of  my  do- 
minions; and  this  we  call  the  royal  canton. 

2.  There  is  a  swearer's  canton,  a  set  of  people  the  most 
unaccountably  foolish  of  all  my  subjects ;  but  a  people  very 
profitable  to  our  government. 

3.  There  is  a  canton  of  thieves,  to  which  all  pilferers, 
robbers,  gamesters,  and  deceitful  dealers  belong.  A  very 
populous  and  splendid  canton  this  is. 

4.  There  is  the  liars'  canton.  These  are  a  people  possess- 
ed of  two  tongues ;  a  people  who  have  very  much  of  the 
features  of  great  Beelzebub ;  and  a  very  populous  and  polite 
canton  it  is  also. 

5:  There  is  the  canton  of  Sabbath-breakers.  Here  there 
is  hardly  room  enough  for  the  inliabitants,  they  are  so  ex- 
ceedingly numerous. 

6.  There  is  the  adulterers'  canton.  This  is  a  very  dark 
place ;  seldom  visited  by  the  rays  of  the  sun.  The  fornica- 
tors cohabit  with  them. 

7.  There  is  the  murderers'  canton,  the  darkest  and  the 
most  miserable  place  in  all  my  dominions ;  yet  for  all  that, 
it  is  very  well  peopled.  For  here  are  ranked  not  only  those 
who  cut  one  another's  throats,  like  the  Alexanders,  Tamer- 
lanes,  Philips,  Louises,  &c.  but  also  oppressors  of  every 
sort,  cruel  husbands  and  wives,  disobedient  children,  who 
break  their  parents'  hearts,  false  friends,  backbiters,  and 
calumniators.  Indeed  all  who  wanton  in  the  unhappiness 
of  their  fellow  creatures,  like  corn  factors  and  carcass  butch- 
ers: so  that  you  see  here  are  many  inhabitants,  and  that  too 
of  considerable  figure.  It  is  worthy  of  observation,  that  all 
the  cantons  have  easy  passages  from  one  another ;  so  that 
although  the  employment  in  each  is  different  from  that  of 
the  rest,  they  all  hold  communication  with  one  another,  as 
subjects  of  the  same  prince,  and  heirs  of  the  same  inherit- 
ance. 

Yea,  so  numerous  are  the  roads  that  lead  from  one  to  the 
other,  that  if  a  man  gets  into  any  one  of  my  cantons,  it  re- 
quires no  less  power  than  omnipotent  power,  and  wisdom 
equal  to  omniscient,  to  extricate  him  from  a  labyrinth  so  dan- 
gerous. And  it  is  well  for  me  that  it  is  so ;  for  some  of  my 
•subjects  are  frequently  terrified,  especially  those  that  work 
in  the  deep  mines,  lest  they  dig  themselves  trough  the 
D2 


42  DIALOGUES 

earth,  and  tumble  into  hell.  But  a  little  time  discovers  that 
their  efforts  to  deliver  themselves  are  all  ineffectual;  for 
the  road  by  which  they  escape  from  one  canton,  leads  them 
into  another  equally  dangerous.  Many  ways  there  are  to 
throw  a  man  down  into  my  mines ;  but,  believe  me,  if  ever 
any  one  comes  up  again,  it  must  cost  the  Almighty  an  errand 
from  heaven  to  rescue  him.  I  assure  you,  sir,  that  by  the 
help  of  these  subtle  passages  and  intricate  turnings,  I  keep 
my  subjects  enslaved,  with  as  little  trouble  to  myself  as  any 
master  devil  that  ever  ascended  out  of  the  bottomless  pit. 
But,  by  the  way,  I  am  constantly  employed  in  planning  out 
fresh  measures  for  the  slaves  to  pursue.  Oh !  sir,  the  end 
will  show  that  I  give  ample  demonstration  of  my  fidelity  to 
my  royal  grandfather,  Beelzebub,  of  whom  I  hold  my  lands 
by  fief. 

Infidelis.  My  dear  son,  how  it  rejoiceth  my  aged  heart 
to  hear  of  your  wise  administration !  However  infatuated 
your  foolish  subjects  may  be,  the  great  Impiator  lacketh  not 
craftuiess.  By  you,  my  son,  shall  my  name  be  perpetuated 
when  I  am  dead  and  gone.  For  I  must  die,  my  child.  As 
soon  as  the  mighty  angel  shall  sound  the  dead-awakening 
trumpet,  the  great,  the  far-famed  Infidelis  must  resign  his 
breath.  Yet,  be  not  you  discouraged,  Impiator;  for  you 
shall  live  for  ever.  You  know  how  I  fostered  you  in  my  bo- 
som, and  endued  you  with  qualifications  to  sit  on  the  throne 
of  Profanity,  where  so  successfully  you  reign. — Permit  me 
now  to  tell  you,  that  knowing  that  I  must  die,  I  have,  like 
all  other  wise  people,  made  my  will,  and,  for  your  encour- 
agement, I  have  appointed  you,  my  son,  with  your  uncle 
Fastosus,  your  highly  honored  brother  Desperando,  and  your 
cousins  Contumax  and^Discordans,  the  joint  executors  there- 
of, and  sole  heirs  unto  all  my  dominions  and  subjects,  who, 
at  my  decease,  are  to  be  transported  to  the  land  of  torment ; 
there  you  shall  reign  in  eternal  triumph  over  them.  Then 
it  will  be,  and  not  before,  that  great  Impiator  shall  arrive  at 
the  zenith  of  his  glory. 

Impiator.  I  suppose  so,  sir ;  for  I  am  told  that,  about  that 
time,  the  provinces  of  Civility,  Formality,  Presumption,  Le- 
gality and  Hypocrisy,  so  famous  in  the  empire  of  Fastosus, 
are  all  to  be  annexed  to  my  dominions,  which  will  then  be 
very  extensive,  and  the  government  of  Profanity  very  re- 
spectable. 


OF    DEVILS.  43 

Infidelis.  I  would  ask  you  now,  my  son,  for  a  descrip- 
tion of  those  famous  cantons  you  mentioned ;  but  as  affairs 
of  importance  call  me  hence,  could  not  you  favor  me  with 
an  interview  for  this  purpose,  to-morrow,  precisely  at  twelve 
o'clock  ? 

Impiator.  I  will,  sir.  Fare  you  well. 


DIALOGUE  IV. 

FASTOSUS   AND   AVARO. 

Being  privy  to  the  appointment  betwixt  Fastosus  and 
Avaro,  I  took  care  to  arrive  in  the  valley  time  enough  to 
hear  all  that  passed.  For  now  my  business  was  left  to  shift 
for  itself,  and  every  thing  gave  place  to  the  force  of  curiosi- 
ty, which  bore  down,  like  an  inundation,  every  thing  before 
it.  If  my  wife  consulted  me  in  any  thing,  I  would  answer, 
"  Fastosus,"  If  my  children  told  me  of  their  progress  at 
school,  I  would  abruptly  reply,  "  horrida  Vallis !"  When 
my  journeymen,  or  apprentices,  talked  to  me  about  the  shop 
business,  my  answer  was,  "  the  great  Avaro."  And  if  they 
said  any  thing  about  my  good  friend,  the  parson,  I  would  say, 
"  Oh !  the  wonderful  Infidelis!"  In  fact,  I  could  think  about 
nothing  but  the  devils  m  the  valley.  Therefore,  I  took  care 
to  provide  myself  with  every  thing  necessary,  and  away  I 
went  to  the  vale  of  horrors,  and  had  not  long  been  there  ere 
I  saw  Fastosus  and  Avaro  come  travelling  towards  me.  And 
thus  they  began  their  discourse. 

Avaro.  I  am  glad,  very  glad,  sir,  that  you  are  here  so  soon. 
I  was  afraid  that  you  would  find  much  business  at  Paris,  be- 
sides finishing  my  lady's  robes. 

Fastosus.  I  did  find  more  than  I  expected,  cousin ;  for  I 
had  no  sooner  finislied  with  the  mantua-maker,  than  I  was 
waited  upon  by  a  hatter,  who  begged  to  be  informed,  whether 
it  was  most  genteel  to  fix  the  loops  of  a  hat  an  inch  and  a 
half,  or  only  one  bare  inch  in  depth ;  and  whether  a  gentle- 
man is  most  of  a  cavalier  with  his  hat  cocked  in  right  angles, 
or  with  one  obtuse  and  two  acute  angles.  Before  I  had  weU 
satisfied  the  hatter,  in  came  a  gentleman  peruke-maker,  who 
humbly  asked  me  whether  a  nobleman  looks  most  like  a 


44  DIALOGUES 

hero  when  he  has  one,  or  when  he  has  two  curls  bobbing 
over  his  ears.  Provoked  that  the  gentlemen  mechanics 
should  suppose  I  had  nothing  to  do  but  to  cock  hats,  and 
adjust  wigs,  I  wrinkled  my  forehead  into  a  most  majestic 
frown,  and  made  the  following  answer :  "  Get  hence,  thou 
shrinking  cur.  I  have  known  a  lord  before  now  that  had 
his  ears  so  covered  with  tiers  of  curls,  that  he  could  not  hear 
the  commands  of  his  superiors.  The  brave  princes  Ferdi- 
nand and  Frederick  of  Brunswick,  and  the  noble  marquis 
of  Granby,  will  soon  break  through  all  the  redoubts  of  a 
barber's  fortifications."*  The  words  were  no  sooner  out  of 
my  mouth,  than  I  was  sent  for  by  his  grace  the  d — e  of 

C 11,  to  inform  him  whether  it  was  most  graceful  for  a 

courtier  to  wear  his  hat  with  the  front  declining  on  the  right 
or  the  left  side  of  the  brow.  To  whom  I  said,  "  Good  my 
lord,  you  may  soon  resolve  this  difficulty,  without  seeking 
to  the  devil  for  advice.  If  your  grace  will  only  mark  well 
to  which  side  of  the  block  the  hats  of  the  vulgar  incline ; 
then  be  sure  to  let  the  hats  of  the  courtiers  turn  always  con- 
trary to  the  vulgar  method."  No  sooner  had  I  satisfied  his 
grace,  than  L — s  desired  to  know  which  was  his  best  way  to 
keep  up  his  character,  and  support  his  dignity  in  Europe,  on 
the  loss  of  his  dominions  in  America.  For  answer,  I  refer- 
red him  to  good  Mr.  Maubert,  of  Brussels,  who  hath  as  good 
a  hand  at  a  dead  lift,  as  if  he  had  been  bred  a  priest.  And 
so,  cousin,  with  no  small  difficulty,  I  broke  loose,  and  am 
come  hither  according  to  appointment. 

AvARO.  By  what  you  say,  honored  sir,  I  perceive  that, 
wheresoever  idleness  prevails,  it  is  not  among  us ;  for  we 
have  no  rest  day  or  night,  but  go  about  plotting  the  destruc- 
tion of  mankind. 

For  my  own  part,  I  assure  you,  I  have  had  but  little  rest 
since  I  saw  you  last ;  and  so  very  fond  are  mankind  of  my 
counsels,  that  I  expect  but  very  little  rest  for  the  time  to 
come.  You  know  I  was  going  to  secrete  a  bag  of  money 
in  the  valley,  when  you  and  I  met.  This  was  no  sooner 
done  than  I  was  waited  on  by  a  parson,  who  had  his  eyes 
upon  a  good  living,  v/ith  a  view  to  receive  directions  about 
obtaining  it.  And  he  was  followed  by  a  tradesman,  who 
had  a  desire  to  make  a  profitable  break  of  it ;  but  begged 

*  This  was  written  before  the  conclusion  of  the  late  war. 


OF    DEVILS.  45 

directions  how  he  might  do  it  honorably.  I  referred  him  to 
the  goddesses  Perfidia  and  Fallncia  for  instructions,  as  they 
more  immediately  preside  in  that  department.  This  honor- 
able gentleman  dispatched,  I  was  attended  by  a  certain  cu- 
rate, who  having  never  had  inclination  nor  opportunity  to 
examine  the  canons  of  a  certain  church,  came  to  consult 
me  whether  it  was  lawful  to  christen  a  child,  if  the  parents 
had  not  money  enough  to  pay  the  fees.  I  told  him,  by  no 
means ;  for  if  you  once  begin  to  officiate  gratis,  you  will 
have  enough  of  it,  and  the  parson's  trade  will  be  worse  than 
an  attorney's  clerkship.  The  gentleman  took  my  advice, 
being  determined  to  seek  the  good  of  the  church ;  and  truly, 
because  the  mother  had  not  two  shillings  and  sixpence  to 
pay  the  parson,  she  could  not  have  her  son  made  a  child  of 
God,  and  an  heir  of  the  kingdom  of  heaven. 

Fastosus.  Well,  but  cousin,  is  that  matter  of  fact  ? 

AvARO.  Indeed,  sir,  it  is  what  actually  happened  not  five 
hundred  miles  from  London  bridge ;  and  there  is  a  certain 
gentleman  alive  who  could  avouch  the  truth  of  it,  if  he 
Siought  proper. 

Having  dispatched  the  journeyman  parson,  I  was  sent  for, 
in  all  haste,  by  my  good  friend  the  attorney.     He,  worthy 

fentleman,  has  undertaken  a  cause  which,  he  very  well 
nows,  can  never  be  defended  upon  principles  of  honor  and 
honesty ;  but  his  client  is  a  rich  man,  can  well  bear  fleecing, 
and  therefore  he  could  not  in  conscience  put  him  aside.  He 
knows  exceeding  well  how  to  turn  the  rich  man's  cause  to 
his  own  emolument,  if  he  could  but  manage  it  so  as  not  to 
injure  his  own  credit.  That  was  the  perplexity  which  he 
begged  me  to  clear  up.  Said  he,  within  himself,  "  Can  I 
but  get  this  cause  to  depend  in  chancery  for  a  few  years, 
(which  by  the  way  is  the  highest  point  in  law  for  a  despe- 
rate cause)  I  shall  gain  some  hundreds  of  pounds  by  it."  As 
soon  as  he  had  done  his  duty  to  me,  he  very  humbly  laid  the 
matter  without  reserve  before  me.  Then  said  I,  My  good 
sir,  let  not  the  suit  disturb  you.  I  will  manage  it  both  for 
your  honor  and  profit ;  never  fear  me.  Who  is  he  that  is 
employed  against  you  ]  To  which  he  replied,  "  Oh  !  a  very 
skilful  man.  No  less  a  person  than  the  great  Mr.  False- 
hood,— a  very  eminent  attorney  indeed !"  Come,  said  I,  let 
him  be  sent  for.  This  was  done,  and  the  lawyer  Falsehood 
attended  accordmgly. 


46  DIALOGUES 

Being-  both  seated  in  my  client's  great  parlor,  the  gOott 
man  addressed  Mr.  Falsehood,  thus,  "  My  best  friend  Mr. 
Falsehood,  you  and  I  are  engaged  as  opponents  in  this  suit; 
both  of  the  gentlemen  are  resolute,  and  will  bear  a  good 
deal  of  fleecing ;  you  know  what  1  mean,  sir.  Now  all  is 
as  yet  uncertain,  and  the  issue  will  greatly  depend  upon 
the  measures  to  be  taken  by  you  and  me.  I  would  there- 
fore, good  sir,  that  we  make  it  certain.  If  right  take  place, 
it  will  be  speedily  over,  and  we  shall  make  but  a  poor  job 
of  it;  but  if  it  is  well  managed,  it  may  produce  some  hun- 
dreds a-piece.  My  advice  is,  sir,  that  it  shall  hang  in  chan- 
cery, like  a  poor  man's  soul  in  purgatory.  What  do  you  say, 
Mr.  Falsehood  r' 

Mr.  Falsehood  replied,  "  It  will  never  do,  good  sir,  it  will 
never  do,  to  bring  it  to  a  speedy  issue ;  that  is  certain.  But 
I'll  tell  you  what  we  will  do.  You  know  that  you  have  the 
worst  side  of  the  cause,  and  if  I  act  the  part  of  an  honest 
man,  you  will  soon  be  obliged  to  scive  up ;  but  I  shall  act 
the  part  of  a  skilful  lawyer,  which  will  suit  both  of  our  pur- 

r)ses  much  better.  I  shall  give  you  all  the  advantages  that 
can,  in  order  to  keep  the  cause  depending,  until  the  pa- 
tience of  our  clients  is  quite  exhausted,  and  they  agree  to 
put  the  matter  to  arbitration.  As  they  are  both  men  of  reso- 
lution, by  that  time  it  will  be  a  job  v/orth  gathering," 

So  having  set  the  two  worthy  lawyers  to  drink  a  bottle 
to  the  good  luck  of  it,  I  left  them,  took  wing  and  came 
hither.  But  I  can  tell  you,  if  I  had  not  soared  aloft  I  had 
not  been  here  so  soon  ;  for  I  saw  a  great  number  of  parsons, 
lawyers,  and  farmers  watching  for  me.  I  gave  them  the 
Blip,  however,  and  artfully  dropt  my  influences  upon  them. 
Surely  they  m.ay  allow  their  master  sometimes  to  converse 
with  his  friends. 

Fastosus.  Ah !  Avaro,  when  we  subjected  man  to  our 
powers,  we  planned  out  a  great  deal  of  employment  for 
ourselves :  for  so  fond  are  they  of  us,  that  they  will  do  no- 
thing, unless  one  or  other  of  our  fraternity  preside  over 
every  action. 

Avaro.  Sir,  if  it  would  not  be  offensive  to  you,  I  should 
be  glad  to  hear  some  account  of  your  origin,  and  of  the  na- 
ture of  your  government. 

Fastosus.  Avaro,  a  spirit  earth-born,  as  you  are,  must  be 
too  gri)velling  in  his  genius  to  understand  much  of  my  his- 


OF   DEVILS.  47 

tory,  dominion,  and  operations;  otherwise,  I  would  with  all 
my  lieart  favor  you  with  the  relation  you  desire. 

AvARO,  Well,  sir,  but  I  am  willing  to  learn  of  you,  if 
you  will  condescend  to  instruct  me.  However  untractable 
I  am  among  mankind,  you  shall  find  me  teachable  enough 
witli  you. 

Fastosus,  You  promise  fair,  cousin.  I  love  your  sub- 
mission, and  therefore  shall  beghi.  Observe  then,  I  am  of 
'high  parentage,  as  well  as  of  heroic  deeds.  I  was  born 
in  heaven,  cousin.  It  was  there  that  Satan  the  great  arch- 
angel begat  me,  upon  himself;  and  as  soon  as  I  was  begot- 
ten, I  in  return  begat  him ;  and  the  very  moment  I  was  be- 
gotten I  was  brought  forth,  and  instantly  killed  my  father. 

AvARO.  Indeed,  uncle,  you  start  high.  You  told  me  that 
I  could  not  understand  you,  and  now  I  perceive  the  truth 
of  it ;  for  really  I  understand  not  one  word  of  all  you  have 
said.  I  hope,  sir,  you  will  condescend  to  explain  your  par- 
ables. 

Fastosus.  Well,  if  you  understand  me  not,  I  shall  de- 
scend lower,  though  indeed,  I  hate  to  speak  of  my  own 
affairs  in  a  vulgar  style,  so  as  to  be  understood  by  every 
petty  spirit.  But  as  you,  Avaro,  are  of  excellent  use  to  my 
operations,  1  shall  stand  upon  no  distance,  but  avoid  all  cere- 
monies with  you.  Understand  me  then.  When  God  Al- 
mighty had  created  all  the  hosts  of  heaven,  every  angel  was 
perfectly  pleased  wuth  his  station ;  the  most  solid  and  joy- 
ous contentment  reigned  among  them,  and  united  the  ethe- 
rial  inhabitants,  who  were,  in  those  days,  very  numerous. 
No  one  so  much  as  wished  his  station  altered.  No  one  thought 
hunself  capable  of  higher  felicity  and  preferment  than  he 
enjoyed.  The  adventurous  Satan  himself,  though  he  has 
not  been  blest  with  one  moment's  rest  ever  since  I  was  born, 
before  that  time  possessed  all  the  sublime  and  refined  plea- 
sures his  exalted  capacity  was  capable  of  And  well  might 
he  be  pleased  with  his  station,  seeing  he  was  a  mighty  prince 
among  the  angels,  next  in  greatness  to  the  Son  of  God,  who 
was  appointed  lord-lieutenant  of  the  creation.  And  a  mighty 
prince  in  heaven  he  would  have  continued,  had  he  not  after- 
wards become  a  candidate  for  omnipotence.  As  for  me  I 
was  not  born  then,  but  I  have  heard  old  Satan,  my  father, 
with  flames  of  malice  and  indignation  darting  from  his  eyes, 
tell  how  the  most  perfect  harmony  existed  among  the  hosts 


48  DIALOGUES 

of  paradise ;  until  it  happened  that  a  declaration  was  made 
from  the  lofty  throne,  that  the  Son  of  God  was  predestinated, 
at  a  time  appointed,  to  assume  a  nature  inferior  to  that  of 
angels ;  and  the  Most  High  commanded  that,  in  that  nature, 
all  the  angels  of  God  should  worship  the  Son,  even  as  they 
worship  the  Father,  and  that  all  should  submit  to  the  gov- 
ernment of  the  man  whom  God  delighted  to  honor. 

At  this  instant  I  was  begotten  in  Satan's  alarmed  breast, 
and  cried  out,  'Tis  enough  that  such  exalted  spirits  as  we 
submit  to  him  in  his  present  unincarnate  state.  But  wor- 
ship and  submit  to  him  in  an  inferior  nature,  let  who  will, 
I  will  not.  What  does  he  mean  1  will  the  Almighty  de- 
base his  first  and  best,  and  make  us  subject  to  an  inferior 
nature]  No,  it  shall  never  be  said,  that  Satan  the  arch- 
angel stooped  so  low!  The  great  archangel's  voice  was 
heard,  his  resolution  was  approved  of,  the  standard  of  re- 
bellion set  up  in  heaven,  and  many  millions  of  angels, 
whose  natures  I  had  changed,  joined  in  that  day,  and  fell 
into  the  depths  of  bottomless  perdition.  Now  do  you  under- 
stand me  ] 

AvARO.  I  understand  you  pretty  well  when  you  say  that 
Satan  begat  you ;  but  you  say,  that  you  begat  him,  and  mil- 
lions of  devils  besides.  It  ran  always  in  my  head  that  God 
had  made  every  devil  in  the  bottomless  pit ;  but  if  I  under- 
stand you  aright,  you  say  you  made  them  all. 

Fastosus.  True,  I  do  say  so,  and  I  will  not  quit  an  hair's 
breadth  of  my  just  prerogative.  God  never  did,  nor  ever 
could,  make  any  sinner,  either  angelic  or  human.  Mmd 
well  what  I  say ;  for  I  perceive  you  are  dull  of  apprehen- 
sion, and  but  of  a  shallow  judgment.  It  was  not  I,  but  God, 
who  made  them  creatures.  God  created  them  in  a  holy, 
pure,  and  glorious  state,  and  endued  them  with  powers  to 
preserve  their  primitive  station,  in  the  upper  skies :  but  it 
was  I,  not  God,  who,  from  angels  of  light  transformed  them 
into  devils  of  darkness.  The  very  moment  I  was  conceived, 
I  changed  them  from  light  to  darkness ;  from  holiness  to 
sin;  from  glory  to  dishonor;  and  thus,  though  not  as  crea- 
tures, yet  as  devils  they  are  wholly  of  my  formation.  Do 
you  understand  me  now  ? 

AvARO.  Yes,  sir,  I  understand  you  as  to  that ;  but  you 
said  just  now,  that  the  moment  you  were  brought  forth  you 
killed  your  father.     Great  sir,  these  are  dark  sayings. 


OF    DEVILS.  49 

.Fastosus.  Ay,  Avaro,  to  such  as  you  they  are  dark; 
but  I'll  explain  them.  I  did  not  mean  that  I  annihilated  his 
angelic  nature ;  no,  he  is  an  angel  still,  although  a  black 
one.  But  I  meant  that  I  slew  all  his  primitive  disposition 
to  goodness,  killed  the  life  of  holiness  that  once  was  in  him ; 
deprived  him  of  the  favor  of  God,  which  some  people  prefer 
even  unto  life.  I  made  him  that  crooked,  perverse  monster, 
which  you  see  he  now  is.  I  opened  the  overflowing  sluices 
of  divine  indignation,  which  continually  pour  down  upon 
him,  whatever  he  is  doing  or  wherever  he  flies,  and  not 
upon  him  only,  but  upon  all  his  adherents.  Was  not  this 
killing  him  to  purpose,  think  you  1 

Avaro.  Indeed  it  was.  You  had  not  hurt  him  half  so 
much,  uncle,  if  you  had  deprived  him  of  being.  I  wonder 
that  he  can  endure  the  sight  of  you,  after  all  that  has  be- 
fallen him  on  your  account!  You  have  deprived  him  of 
every  good,  and  brought  every  evil  upon  him ;  and  yet  he 
loves  you  as  he  does  his  own  soul.  'Tis  strange  !  wondrous 
strange,  Fastosus! 

Fastosls.  You  '11  think  it  stranger  still,  when  I  tell  you 
that  he  is  so  far  from  hating  me,  that  he  will  do  nothing, 
either  in  earth  or  hell,  amongst  men  or  devils,  but  as  he  is 
directed  and  prompted  to  it  by  me.  And  so  far  is  he  from 
repenting  of  what  he  hath  done,  that  he  hath  told  me  a 
thousand  times,  if  it  were  to  do  again  he  would  do  it.  No- 
thing grieves  the  heart  of  old  Satan  so  much  as  this, — the 
very  man  whose  exaltation  he  opposed,  whose  sway  he  re- 
sisted, and  whose  person  he  hath  still  in  the  most  perfect 
abhorrence,  is  dignified,  not  only  by  a  personal  union  with 
Jehovah  ;  but  by  all  judgment  being  committed  into  his 
hand,  and  tlie  public  administration  of  all  the  affairs  of  hea- 
ven, earth,  and  hell  devolving  upon  him.  Great  is  his  tor- 
ment, from  the  consideration  that  he,  with  all  his  adherents, 
must  receive  their  final  sentence  from  the  same  person,  who, 
of  all  beings,  he  hates  with  the  most  consummate  hatred, 
and  on  who&e  account  he  hates  and  seeks  the  destruction  of 
all  the  creatures  of  God. 

'Tis  a  perpetual  hell  to  him,  that  the  object  of  his  great- 
est aversion  sitteth  on  the  circle  of  heaven,  and  holdeth  him 
continually  as  with  bit  and  bridle  ;  limiteth  his  operations  at 
pleasure,  and  sovereignly  appoints  his  license  by  an  unal- 
terable determination.  When,  through  confirmed  malice 
E 


50  DIALOGUES 

and  desperate  resolution,  Satan  struggles  for  larger  scope, 
Immanuel  gives  him  a  check,  saying,  "  Hitherto  thou  may- 
est  go,  but  no  farther."  And  sometimes  so  severe  is  the 
check,  that  the  prince  of  darkness  is  quite  overturned ;  and 
whilst  sprawling  on  his  back,  for  very  vexation  that  he  can 
go  no  further,  he  rageth,  and  roareth  louder  than  a  thousand 
lions,  so  that  all  the  arches  of  gloomy  Tartarus  resound. 
Then  in  the  anguish  of  horrid  despair,  he  bites  his  adaman- 
tine chains,  foams  at  his  mouth,  and  utters  such  dreadful 
blasphemies  as  none  but  himself  can  utter.  What  is  the 
most  remarkable  of  all  is,  that  the  more  rapidly  the  torrent 
of  the  Almighty's  wrath  pours  in  upon  him,  the  fonder  he 
is  of  me,  the  cause  of  all  his  misery. 

AvARO.  Sir,  you  say  that  Beelzebub  will  do  nothing  with- 
out your  direction.  If  I  understand  this  right,  it  is  not  he, 
but  you  who  are  governor  of  hell.  Pray,  sir,  where  are  all 
his  princely  prerogatives  then  ] 

Fastosus.  It  is  not  fitting,  Avaro,  that  you  should  criti- 
cise upon  my  doctrine.  You  ought  to  embrace  it  implicitly 
as  I  deliver  it  to  you. 

Avaro.  Pardon  me,  great  sir ;  you  put  me  in  mind  of 
some  of  the  modern  parsons ;  for  that  is  the  very  way  that 
they  want  their  doctrine  to  be  embraced,  implicitly,  without 
questioning  its  currency.  'Tis  merry  enough  to  hear  them 
exhort  their  hearers,  to  search  the  scriptures,  to  try  the 
spirits,  to  take  heed  what  they  hear,  «fcc.  and  yet  after  all, 
if  any  of  their  hearers  attempt  to  bring  the  parson's  own 
sermon  to  trial  by  the  scriptures,  he  is  deemed  a  trouble- 
some, self-conceited  fellow,  and  if  he  happens  to  disprove 
his  doctrine  by  the  scripture,  he  is  presently  dealt  with,  and 
excommunicated  as  troubler  of  Israel.  For  the  parson 
would  have  other  people's  doctrine  tried,  and,  if  false,  re- 
futed ;  but  it  is  impious  to  do  so  by  his  own.  Brave  days, 
Fastosus,  are  these !  It  is  quite  laughable  to  hear  the  modern 
clergymen  tell  tlieir  hearers,  that  they  have  a  right  to  pri- 
vate judgment,  and  to  know  the  mind  of  God  for  them- 
selves ;  and  at  the  same  time  obliging  them  implicitly  to 
abide  by  the  confession  of  faith  already  authenticated.  That 
is,  uncle,  the  clergy  will  allow  you  to  controvert  the  scrip- 
tures if  you  choose  it ;  but  their  own  articles  must  have 
your  implicit  submission. 

Fastosus.   Well,  cousin,  you  have  fairly  laughed  me  out 


OF    DEVILS.  51 

of  my  resentment,  by  the  droll  conduct  of  your  parsons. 
However,  what  I  said,  Avaro,  I  will  maintain.  It  shall 
never  be  said  that  the  devil,  Fastosus,  did  at  any  time  eat 
his  words;  but  I  will  condescend  to  explain  myself.  With- 
out me,  Beelzebub  would  be  none  other  than  an  angel ;  but 
mixing  myself  with  his  angelic  faculties,  I  render  him  a 
perfect  devil.  The  same  I  do  with  all  the  rest  of  my  in- 
fernal subjects.  Beelzebub  himself  is  but  a  titular  prince. 
'Tis  I  who  instigate  him,  that  am  the  great  devil  of  all.  To 
tell  you  more,  it  is  I  who  formed  hell  itself,  as  a  place  of 
punishment.  Such  is  the  rectitude  and  equity  of  his  na- 
ture, that  God  never  would,  nor  could,  infliet  any  punish- 
ment without  my  intervention.  He  was  ever  guided  in  all 
his  works  by  his  own  perfections,  and  therefore  could  never 
have  punished  sinless  beings.  All  beings  would  have  re- 
mained sinless,  but  for  me.  So  in  making  sin,  I  made  the 
punishment  of  it.  For  if  once  sin  is  introduced,  punishment 
follows  of  course ;  it  being  as  natural  for  sin  to  bring  forth 
punishment,  as  it  is  for  the  sun  to  send  forth  light  and  heat 
No  being  possibly  can  be  a  devil,  but  the  being  who  is 
possessed  and  governed  by  me.  Every  being  thus  possess- 
ed and  governed,  whether  angel  or  man,  is  a  devil.  But  for 
distinction's  sake,  we  ascribe  only  the  plain  name  of  fiends, 
to  the  angels  whom  I  govern,  and  to  men  and  women  under 
my  dominion,  we  give  the  names  of  devils  incarnate,  be- 
cause they  inhabit  bodies  of  flesh.  The  difference  in  the 
stature  of  devils  is  not,  that  one  is  less  devilish  than  the 
other,  but  their  being  possessed  of  more  noble  endowments, 
and  more  extensive  qualities  than  others.  So  you  see  the 
devils  of  quality  among  us,  are  more  intelligent,  more  sub- 
tle and  crafty  than  devils  of  a  vulgar  race.  The  reason 
why  Beelzebub  is  head  over  all  the  infernal  tribes  also,  is 
not  because  he  is  more  depraved  than  his  adherents ;  but 
because  he  was  originally  created  in  a  more  glorious  sta- 
tion, possessed  of  endowments  more  exalted,  and  blest  with 
more  extensive  natural  powers.  As  such,  being  once  de- 
praved, he  is  capable  of  excelling  his  fellows  as  far,  in  dia- 
bolical achievements,  as  at  first  he  excelled  them  in  their 
heavenly  station.  The  same  rule  holds  good,  through  the 
various  ranks  of  my  subjects.  Were  you  to  ask  me,  why  it 
is  that  devils  without  a  body,  are  capable  of  exceeding  in 
^weet  rebellion,  those  spirits  who  are  embodied  1  I  would 


52  DIALOGUES 

answer  without  hesitation,  "Not  because  the  one  is  less 
vicious,  or  one  whit  less  depraved,  than  the  other ;  but  for 
the  following  two  very  good  and  substantial  reasons. 

1.  Although  I  reign  and  rule  in  the  heart  of  every  one 
of  them,  yet  whilst  they  are  in  the  body,  they  are  laid  un- 
der particular  restrictions  by  the  Almighty ;  so  that  they  can- 
not do  all  the  evil  which  in  their  hearts  I  prompt  them  to 
do ;  and  therefore  they  cannot  be  so  much  like  Beelzebub, 
in  their  actions,  as  they  would  be.  Fear  and  shame  very 
often  prevent  people  from  gratifying  their  impious  and  un- 
clean inclinations,  when  a  love  of  virtue,  and  the  fear  of 
God,  are  absolutely  out  of  the  question. 

2.  Because  the  natural  powers  of  man  are  very  far  infe- 
rior to  the  powers  of  infernal  spirits.  The  more  extensive 
a  man's  natural  capacity,  the  nearer  he  may  arrive  to  the 
stature  of  Satan,  if  unrestrained  by  the  grace  of  God. 
Hence  a  crafty  and  learned  pope,  is  by  far  more  like  the 
devil  than  an  ignorant,  swag-bellied  friar.  Yea,  Avaro,  the 
more  enlarged  the  capacity  of  either  man  or  devil  may  be, 
as  it  makes  him  capable  of  the  higher  degrees  of  wicked- 
ness, even  so  in  proportion  to  the  natural  abilities  of  both 
shall  the  punishment  inflicted  be.  No  wicked  being  is  so 
capable  of  being  wicked  as  the  crafty  and  understanding 
person ;  who,  if  he  is  not  truly  virtuous  and  holy,  must  be 
truly  wicked  and  devilish.  Hence  one  Hume,  one  Voltaire, 
is  an  hundred  times  more  capable  of  being  useful  to  us, 
than  fifty  H — w — ds,  or  even  five  times  the  number  of 
popish  priests.  You  may  take  this  as  a  general  maxim,  that 
the  most  enlarged  soul  must  be  the  most  tormented,  if  not 
saved. 

AvARO.  One  may  see  by  your  learning,  sir,  what  it  is  to 
be  born  among  spirits.  Why,  you  converse  as  freely  and 
fluently  about  the  nature  of  angels  and  men,  as  I  can  do 
about  geld  and  silver  coin.    Great,  great,  sir,  is  your  merit. 

Fastosus.  How  should  it  be  otherwise,  Avaro,  when  you 
consider  the  subtility  of  my  nature  ]  I  am  the  very  soul  of 
Beelzebub,  and  all  his  vassals.  Petty  spirits  may  boast  of 
their  conquests  one  to  another,  but  they  must  all  be  silent 
when  courtly  Fastosus  opens  his  mouth.  You,  Avaro,  Im- 
piator,  Discordans,  «Sz:c.  have  all  of  you  made  as  great  in- 
roads upon  mankind  as  can  possibly  be  expected  from  such 
unseemly  spirits  as  you  be ;  but  as  for  me,  you  see  I  am  a 


OF    DEVILS.  53 

spirit  of  a  comely  deportment,  and  caressed  by  all.  Indeed 
many  people  are  now  a  days  of  opinion,  that  a  spice  of  my 
nature  is  absolutely  necessary,  in  order  to  make  them  re- 
spectable in  the  world,  and  prevent  the  injuries  which  other- 
wise might  be  offered  to  them.  Nor  is  there  any  who  can 
discern  the  fatal  consequences  of  being  under  my  direction, 
except,  those  who  are  enlightened  from  above,  by  him  who 
was  given  for  a  light  to  the  Gentiles.  I  lodge  securely  in 
the  secret  caverns  of  the  heart,  and  from  thence  I  convey 
my  influence  so  imperceptibly  through  all  the  words  of  the 
mouth,  and  actions  of  the  life,  that  you  rarely  meet  with  a 
man  or  woman,  who  will  own  that  they  have  the  least  ac- 
quaintance W'ith  me;  though  with  many  of  tliem,  the  judi- 
cious beholder  will  easily  perceive,  that  I  am  deeply  con- 
cerned in  all  they  do  or  say. 

AvARO.  Indeed  I  have  often  heard  people  declare,  that 
they  never  saw  the  devil  Faslosus,  nor  had  the  least  ac- 
quaintance with  pride.  Yet,  they  said,  a  little  spirit  ought 
to  be  shown,  that  every  one  might  know  his  proper  place. 
But  I  perceive  now,  that  pride  itself  is  that  same  spirit 
which  they  deem  so  necessary,  notwithstanding  their  sup- 
posed freedom  from  it,  and  aversion  to  it 

Fastosus.  The  very  same  spirit,  Avaro,  though  they  do 
not  know  it ;  for  I  deceive  them  at  every  turn,  being  ca- 
pable of  transforming  myself  into  so  many  different  shapes, 
and  bearing  a  name  so  suitable  to  each,  that  even  when  I 
lord  it  over  them  with  the  greatest  power,  they  remain  ut- 
terly ignorant  of  their  subjection  to  me.  Sometimes  I  as- 
sume the  appearance  and  bear  the  name  of  my  avowed  en- 
emy. Humility.  Then  you  will  see  people  of  fashion,  or 
those  who  think  themselves  such,  descending  lower  than 
their  station,  for  no  other  reason  than  to  get  a  good  name. 
At  another  time  you  may  see  me  transformed  into  the  like- 
ness of  Charity,  and  I  prompt  my  slaves  to  bestow  their 
alms,  in  order  to  be  esteemed  benevolent  and  generous.  I 
have  seen  a  man  of  wealth  and  industry,  perform  such  ac- 
tions with  this  and  no  other  view.  And  he  has  made  his 
poor  belly  to  suffer  for  it  many  days  to  come,  when  at  the 
same  time  he  had  his  thousands  out  at  use.  Then  I  take 
upon  me  the  name  of  Decency,  and  am  greatly  employed 
in  regulatmg  domestic  affairs,  descending  even  so  low,  as  to 
take  cognizance  of  meat  and  drink,  dress  and  company. 
E2 


54  DIALOGUES 

Then  you  may  see  madam  extremely  diligent  in  persuading 
Miss  Prim  and  Miss  Stiff  not  to  be  seen  in  the  company  of 
those  of  an  inferior  station.  Ere  you  are  aware,  I  have  got 
the  pride  of  good  breeding ;  and  oh !  what  wonders  of 
fashionable  civilities  I  work,  and  forward  the  great  designs 
of  hell.  At  this  time  you'll  see  my  lady,  who  having  for- 
gotten the  fashions  prevailing  about  twenty  years  ago, 
when  she  was  under  forty,  is  as  careful  as  possible  not  to 
deviate  m  the  least  from  the  customs  of  them  who  were 
born  since  she  was  a  wife  and  mother.  Sometimes  I  bear 
the  name  of  a  spirit  of  honor.  Under  this  name  I  prevailed 
in  ancient  Rome,  and  now  reign  over  many  of  our  Europe- 
an cavaliers.  In  this  character  I  do  great  execution  among 
the  British  gods  at  the  west  end  of  London,  where  the 
greatest  enormities  are  deemed  excusable,  but  the  putting 
up  with  an  affront  an  unpardonable  evil. 

AvARO.  There  would  be  notliing  done,  in  comparison  of 
what  there  is,  among  mankind,  if  we  appeared  in  our  own 
likeness,  and  went  by  our  proper  names:  for  there  are  thou- 
sands that  love  us  extremely  while  in  disguise,  who  would 
be  ashamed  of  us,  if  we  went  by  our  proper  names  of  Covet- 
ousness  and  Pride.  As  for  my  part,  I  am  fain  to  perform  all 
ly  works  in  disguise;  bearing  the  feigned  names  of  Indus- 
"*n^ ,  Frugality,  &c.  But,  sir,  will  it  please  you  to  give  me 
some  account  how  you  first  made  your  entrance  good  amongst 
mankind. 

Fastosus.  I  have  already  told  you,  that  as  soon  as  I  was 
born,  I  obtained  full  dominion  over  the  adherents  of  Beelze- 
bub ;  this  taught  the  angels  of  the  deep  that  the  only  way 
to  seduce  innocent  beings,  was  to  inject  my  nature  into  them ; 
and  that  the  seeds  of  pride  being  once  sown,  they  could  not 
tail  of  most  abundant  fruitfulness.  Man  was  originally  cre- 
ated in  a  holy  and  happy  estate,  a  perfect  stranger  to  those 
evils  which  now  prevail  over,  and  reign  predominant  in  the 
natural  and  moral  world.  You  could  not  have  seen  so  much 
<-is  one  symptom  of  pride  or  covetousness,  or  other  vice,  either 
in  Adam  or  Eve,  in  their  primitive  state.  They  loved  with- 
out unchastity,  and  enjoyed  without  uncleanliness ;  nor  were 
they  in  the  least  acquainted  with  the  racking  torments  of 
jealousy.  No  anxious  thoughts,  perplexing  fears,  nor  dis- 
tracting cares,  disturbed  their  peaceful  hearts.  Envy,  anger, 
shame,  and  resentment,  were  strangers  to  the  new-created 


OF    DEVILS.  55 

pair,  and  never  set  foot  in  paradise  before  my  arrival  there. 
Their  sole  delight  was  to  contemplate  the  beneficence  of 
their  God. 

Our  eagle-eyed  angels,  when  they  saw  the  noble  deport- 
ment of  man,  soon  perceived  that  he  was  of  the  same  na- 
ture which  the  son  of  God  was  predestined  to  assume,  (for 
as  some  think,  he  might,  out  of  love  to  the  human  nature, 
appear  occasionally  to  the  heavenly  hosts  in  the  form  of 
man*)  for  the  resisting  of  which  decree,  they  wore  damned 
to  the  depths  of  ever-burning  hell.  The  first  discovery  Beel- 
zebub made  of  the  blessed  situation  in  which  man  was  cre- 
ated, filled  his  noble  mind  with  such  violent  agitations  of 
rage,  envy,  malice,  and  pride,  that  his  fury  burst  beyond  all 
bounds,  lie  stamped  and  raged  in  a  most  tempestuous  man- 
ner ;  insomuch  tliat  he  shook  the  sable  firmament  of  hell, 
and  brought  his  confederates  to  mquire  the  cause  of  his  an- 
guish. A  council  thus  convened,  after  tlie  prince  had  a  little 
recovered  from  the  first  shock  of  transporting  rage,  he  related 
to  them  what  he  had  discovered,  concerning  the  inhabitants 
of  Eden,  and  asked  advice  of  his  senators,  who,  to  a  devil, 
vowed  speedy  destruction  to  man.  Some  demur  there  was 
respecting  the  plan  of  their  operations :  for  the  impolitic 
part  of  the  assembly,  finding  the  smallness  of  their  number, 
were  for  having  man  assaulted  by  storm :  but  the  more  sage 
politicians  voted  for  craft,  as  the  likeliest  method  to  seduce 
them.  At  last  the  august  assembly  came  to  this  unanimous 
resolution,  "  That  the  great  Beelzebub  should,  by  certain 
means,  by  him  to  be  devised,  inspire  them  with  my  nature, 
nothing  doubting,  but  if  that  could  be  done,  they  would  soon 
declare  in  favor  of  the  devil's  government. 

After  he  had  well  weighed  every  circumstance,  the  arch- 
apostate  undertook  the  enterprise ;  but  did  not  judge  it  prop- 
er to  exercise  force  against  them,  knowning  well  that  if  their 
resistance  proved  equal  to  their  power,  all  his  destructive 
measures  must  unavoidably  be  broken,  and  the  enterprise 
miscarry.     Therefore,  like  a  wise  hero  and  consummate 


*  Some  may  think  that  this  par(^nthesis  is  an  impeachment  of  the 
knowledge  of  Fastosus,  supposing  tliat  liimself  was  ignorant,  whether 
the  Son  of  God  did  or  did  not  assnme  the  form  of  man  in  his  intercourse 
with  the  heavenly  leeions.  But  it  ought  to  be  observed,  that  this  judi- 
cious devil  is  relating  transactions  which  were  antecedent  to  the  time 
when  he  professes  to  have  been  born. 


56  DIALOGUES 

politician,  he  resolved  to  accomplish,  by  craft  and  subtilty, 
what  was  not  to  be  done  by  open  assault ;  nor  did  he  think 
it  advisable  to  address  them  in  his  own  form,  lest  he  should 
frighten  them  at  his  first  appearance,  and  by  that  means  render 
their  seduction  for  ever  after  impracticable :  but  judiciously 
concluded  that  the  most  promising-  method  was,  to  assume 
the  body  of  one  of  their  familiar  domestic  animals,  which 
were  daily  under  their  observation.  Accordingly,  after  long 
consultation  with  himself,  and  strictly  examining  the  brutal 
tribes,  he  possessed  a  beauteous  serpent,  perceiving  that  it 
was  head  of  the  reptile  world,  and  best  fitted  for  converse 
with  man,  with  whom  also  it  was  more  familiar  than  all  the 
beasts  beside.  Thus  equipped  for  executing  the  deep  pro- 
jected scheme,  he  still  acted  with  caution  becoming  the  most 
consummate  experience.  He  cared  not  to  attack  them  both 
at  once,  lest  by  any  means  they  should  see  through  his  dis- 
guise, and  he  should  occasion  his  own  repulse ;  therefore 
he  craftily  lurked  near  them,  and  overheard  their  discourse, 
that  he  might  better  learn  which  of  them  was  the  weaker 
vessel. 

Being  a  spirit  of  great  penetration,  he  soon  found  that  the 
woman  ^was  not  only  the  weakest  but  the  youngest ;  and 
what  greatly  encouraged  his  hope  was,  that  the  man  loved 
the  woman  with  the  most  tender  aflfection,  a  circumstance 
very  painful  for  him  to  behold.  Peace  being  now  a  stranger 
to  his  own  bosom,  it  was  grievous  for  him  to  see  the  felicity 
of  the  human  pair.  In  consequence  of  these  discoveries,  he 
made  no  attempts  upon  the  man ;  but  bent  all  his  endeavors 
to  seduce  the  woman,  not  doubting,  but  if  that  could  be  ef- 
fected, the  man  would  come  of  course,  so  strongly  was  he 
attached  to  his  yoke-fellow. 

I  would  tell  you  the  whole  now,  cousin,  but  I  must  go 
and  assist  my  lady  Gaiety  to  dress ;  for  she  is  to  dine  with 
my  lord  Frolic  to-day.  About  four  o'clock  I'll  meet  you 
here. 


OF   DEVILS.  57 

DIALOGUE  V. 

INFIDELIS   AND    IMPIATOR. 

Fastosus  and  Avaro  had  not  been  long  gone,  before  I  saw 
Infidelis  and  Impiator,  stalking  up  to  the  rendezvous,  and  aa 
they  walked,  thus  conversing : 

Impiator.  But  is  it  possible,  sir,  that  the  papists  should 
ascribe  an  equal,  if  not  a  greater  glory  to  the  blessed  virgin, 
than  to  the  Son  of  God. 

Infidelis.  It  is  not  only  possible,  but  certain ;  and,  as  a 
proof  of  it,  I  shall  repeat  to  you  one  of  their  prayers  to  her; 
a  prayer  which  can  by  no  means  be  offensive  to  any  of  our 
people.  "  O  Mary !  the  star  of  the  sea ;  the  heaven  of  health ; 
the  learned  advocate  of  the  guilty ;  the  only  hope  of  the 
desperate ;  the  saviour  of  smners.  Thou  callest  thyself  the 
handmaid  of  Jesus  Christ,  but  art  his  lady ;  for  right  and 
reason  willeth  that  the  mother  be  above  the  son.  Pray  him, 
and  command  him  from  above,  that  he  lead  us  to  his  king- 
dom, at  the  world's  end."  Here,  you  see,  child,  that  although 
he  was  believed  by  his  apostles  to  be  God  over  all ;  the  papists 
have  found  out  a  way  to  put  him  under  the  command  of  Jii5 
virgin  mother.  Not  only  so,  but  they  have  put  him  under 
the  command  of  St.  Ann,  reputed  by  them  to  have  been  his 
grandmother,  as  may  be  seen  in  that  famous  prayer,  approved 
and  authorized  by  the  doctors  of  the  Sorbonne,  in  Paris.  I'll 
repeat  the  passage,  being  the  fourth  paragraph  in  the  prayer. 
"  In  homage  of  the  right  and  power  (of  mother)  which  you 
had  over  your  daughter,  (^lary)  and  of  grandmother  over 
her  son,  and  of  tlieir  (Mary's  and  Jesus's)  submission,  which 
they  render  you.''  Here  you  see  he  is  supposed  to  submit 
to  his  grandmother  Ann,  as  well  as  to  be  under  the  govern- 
ment of  his  mother  Mary.  I  could  tell  you  strange  things, 
son,  about  the  popish  religion,  and  I  intend  it  ere  long ;  but, 
for  the  present,  I  would  beg  of  you  to  give  me  some  further 
account  of  th3  different  cantons  of  your  devotees.  I  think 
they  were  seven  in  number. 

Impiator.  L  shall  describe  them  to  you,  sir.  And  it 
would  be  proper  to  begin  with  the  canton  of  drunkards,  be- 
cause that  is  the  royal  canton,  where  I  keep  my  court ;  but 


58  DIALOGUES 

with  your  good  leave,  I  shall  defer  the  description  of  it  to 
the  last. 

Infidelis.  Son,  your  will  is  your  law  in  this  particular ; 
take  whatever  method  your  thoughts  suggest  as  best. 

Impiator,  Then  I  begin  with  the  canton  of  swearers, 
the  most  foolish  and  unaccountable  set  of  people,  upon  the 
face  of  the  earth.  This  canton  is  divided  mto  two  prov- 
inces, both  which  are  full  of  people.  In  the  first  province 
dwell  the  false  swearers,  and  the  profane  swearers  in  the 
second. 

The  province  of  false  swearers  is  divided  into  three  dis- 
tricts, the  first  of  which  is  inhabited  by  knights  of  the  post, 
a  set  of  gentry  who  get  their  living  by  giving  evidence  in 
causes  to  which  they  are  perfect  strangers.  These  knights 
commonly  make  their  court  to  the  c — k  of  arr-igns,  whom, 
they  know,  is  best  capable  of  finding  them  employment.  It 
is  not  a  great  many  years  since,  a  gentleman,  walking  in 
the  sessions-house,  in  the  Old  Bailey,  was  accosted  by  one 
of  these  knights  with,  "  Pray,  sir,  do  you  want  a  witness  1 
Sir,  I'll  serve  you  as  cheap  and  as  well  as  any  man."  Gar- 
diner, bishop  of  Winchester,  formerly  was  a  mighty  pro- 
tector of  this  order  of  knights :  and,  at  this  day,  our  good 
friend,  the  father  of  the  world,  his  worthy  inquisitors,  and 
not  a  few  right  reverend  prelates,  are  head  men  m  the  dis- 
trict of  false  swearers.  Many  a  good  Christian  has  been 
brought  to  the  stake,  or  gallows,  by  their  assiduity,  both 
among  papists  and  pagans ;  and  more  especially  the  former, 
who  are  far  from  being  so  honest  as  the  latter ;  and  not  by 
half  so  consistent. 

The  second  district  is  inhabited  by  the  mercenary  swear- 
ers. This  is  a  race  supposed  to  be  descended  from  the 
knights  of  the  post,  and  to  be  sure  there  is  great  likeness 
betwixt  the  two.  The  mercenary  swearers  will  buy  a  piece 
of  goods  for  five  shillings,  and  as  soon  as  a  buyer  presents 
himself,  tells  him  that,  upon  his  life  and  soul,  it  cost  him  six 
Bhillings,  When  he  meets  with  another  seller  of  the  same 
commodity,  in  order  to  obtain  a  good  pennyworth,  he  shows 
him  the  goods  for  which  he  paid  five  shillings,  and  tells  the 
stranger,  that,  "  As  he  hopes  to  be  saved,  he  gave  no  morq 
than  four  and  sixpence  for  it."  The  dealers  in  horses,  dro- 
vers, and  butchers,  are  singularly  dexterous  in  this  kind  of 
j6 wearing.    In  this  district,  it  js  a  prevalent  opinion;  that  a 


OF   DEVILS.  59 

man  is  not  fit  to  live  in  the  world,  unless  he  can  swear  to 
a  lie. 

The  third  division  is  inhabited  by  the  foolish  swearers,  a 
people  the  most  remarkably  stupid  of  any  under  the  gov- 
ernment of  hell.  Some  of  them  are  so  accustomed  to  it 
from  their  infancy,  that  they  do  not  so  much  as  know  when 
tliey  swear,  and  are  as  destitute  of  design  in  the  practice 
as  the  parrot  when  it  scolds  the  chambermaid,  or  as  many 
good  people  when  they  say  their  prayers  at  church.  Others 
seem  to  have  such  a  low  opmion  of  their  own  probity,  that 
they  imagine  no  one  will  believe  what  they  say,  unless 
every  sentence  is  ushered  in  with  an  oath  in  the  van,  and 
confirmed  by  another  in  the  rear.  Gentlemen  of  family, 
fortune,  and  fashion,  are  stationed  in  this  class,  and  are  ex- 
tremely dexterous  here.  Nor  are  the  officers  of  the  fleet 
and  army  less  learned,  or  devoid  of  those  embellishments. 
The  greatest  part  of  the  English  officers,  indeed,  marine 
and  military,  esteem  a  man  not  fit  to  carry  a  musket,  unless 
he  can  swear  a  hundred  oaths  in  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  with- 
out any  qualms  of  conscience. 

The  British  army  so  far  excels  in  this  fine  art,  that  they 
can  fairly  curse  the  French  oflT  the  field  of  battle,  without 
ever  striking  a  blow  :  so  terrified  are  the  French  at  the 
oaths  of  the  English.  Ay,  father,  I  assure  you,  that  this 
heroic  practice  is  now  so  prevalent  among  the  basest  of  the 
multitude,  that  I  could  pick  you  out  a  low-lifed  boatswain, 
who  will  vie  with  an  admiral ;  ajid  a  dwarfish  drummer, 
who  will  swear  with  a  lieutenant-general,  for  any  money. 
Yea,  I  could  pick  you  out  a  fellow,  who  cannot  procure  whole 
shoes  to  his  feet,  that  yet  will  match  any  nobleman  or 
esquire  in  the  land  at  swearing.  And,  sir,  if  honor  consists 
in  bemg  adapts  here,  the  vilest  pedlar  may  vie  with  the  best 
of  the  gentry,  and  the  very  footpad  may  challenge  a  peer 
of  the  realm.  The  canton  of  swearers  is  a  very  populous 
and  very  honorable  place.  Here  are  dukes,  knights  of  all 
orders,  marquises,  and  earls.  And  a  very  w^orshipful  canton 
it  is  too ;  for  numbers  of  very  respectable  corporations,  and 
many  justices  of  the  peace  reside  in  it. 

I  have  often  laughed  to  see  a  delinquent  brought  before 
a  magistrate,  and  by  him  be  obliged  to  pay  two  shillings  for 
every  attested  oath,  when  the  magistrate  himself  had  not 


60  DIALOGUES 

manhood  enough  to  maintain  conversation  for  ten  minutes, 
without  being  guilty  of  profane  swearing. 

Infidelis.  Pray  thee,  my  son,  what  are  the  qualifications 
requisite  to  a  justice  of  the  peace  in  thy  country  1 

Impiator.  Two  qualifications,  sir,  only  are  requisite.  The 
first  is,  that  the  gentleman  be  pretty  well  to  live  in  the 
world,  and  the  second,  that  he  shall  be  an  obsequious  tool  to 
administration.  As  to  knowledge  of  the  law,  love  to  the 
people,  regard  to  moral  principles,  and  all  such  stuff,  they 
are  altogether  out  of  the  question. 

I  was  going  to  say,  it  is  a  very  religious  canton,  too,  be- 
cause here  you  may  find  a  considerable  number  of  reverend 
parsons,  both  Papists  and  Protestants.  As  for  their  oaths  in 
use,  they  are  various,  as  the  fancy  of  tbe  swearers  inclines 
them.  Some  swear  by  heaven,  others  by  the  God  of  heaven ; 
some  swear  by  Christ,  others  by  his  blood  and  wounds; 
some  by  St.  Peter,  others  by  St.  Paul ;  some  by  St.  Mary, 
others  by  her  virginity ;  some  swear  by  the  pope,  others  by 
his  holiness,  and  by  his  infallibility ;  some  by  the  life  of 
their  sovereign ;  some  by  the  life  of  the  devil,  and  some  by 
their  own  lives.  Some  there  are  Who  swear  by  the  church ; 
others  by  the  liturgy  and  mass ;  and  some,  for  want  of  a 
better  epithet,  swear  by  their  own  eyes  and  limbs. 

Infidelis.  Indeed,  son,  these  are  a  set  of  as  foolish  peo- 
ple as  one  would  wish  to  meet  with.  The  devil  himself 
would  not  wish  them  to  be  more  foolish.  One  would  won- 
der to  see  men  of  distinction,  who  disdain  to  conform  to  the 
vulgar,  in  other  particulars,  rank  themselves  with  gypsies 
and  sturdy  beggars,  in  the  most  abject  and  unmanly  prac- 
tice. Sensible  people,  and  some  there  are  still  among  men 
do  not  esteem  a  man  the  more  for  his  acres  or  pension,  but 
for  his  virtue  and  good  sense ;  and  hence  a  swearing  gypsy 
and  a  swearing  gentleman  are  held  as  equally  dishonorable. 
But  no  more  of  this ;  I  intend  not  to  become  a  moralist  at 
this  time. 

Impiator.  I  assure  you,  profitable  as  they  are  to  me,  I 
am  ready  to  crack  my  sides  with  laughing,  to  see  how  fool- 
ishly they  fight  and  broil,  curse  and  damn  each  other,  and 
how  ready  they  are  to  forward  the  devil's  interest,  notwith- 
standing it  is  to  their  own  everlasting  ruin. 

The  second  canton  is  that  of  thieves ;  and  a  very  flourish- 
ing canton  it  is,  notwithstanding  we  every  session  send  a 


OF    DEVILS.  61 

freight  over  the  Stygian  lake,*  who  no  more  return  to  their 
native  country.  Tiiis  canton  being  very  extensive,  is  like- 
wise divided  into  several  lesser  cantons.  The  first  of  which 
contains  the  gentlemen  thieves.  A  very  courtly,  polite,  and 
fashionable  set  of  people.  Gentlemen  thieves  are  such  who 
enjoy  places  of  honor  and  trust,  and  are  not  careful  of  their 
duty  to  their  king  and  country.  It  is  observable  of  them, 
that  when  they  are  out  of  place,  they  are  the  greatest  ene- 
mies to  corruption,  and  the  staunchest  friends  to  liberty  in 
the  world.  They  are  capable  of  no  influence,  but  that  of 
patriotism,  so  long  as  unprovided  for ;  but  the  moment  their 
happy  stars  make  them  placemen,  they  forget  their  patriot- 
ism, drop  their  enmity  to  venality,  and  seek  nothing  so  much 
as  their  own  emolument,  leaving  the  public  to  shift  for  it- 
self It  is  thought  that  not  a  few  gentlemen  thieves  live 
within  a  hundred  miles  of  famous  Tyburn ;  and  some  peo- 
ple farther  think,  it  is  great  pity  that  solemn  tree  is  not 
more  frequently  graced  with  them :  but  in  modern  times  it 
is  quite  unfashionable  to  hang  any  but  the  little  thieves.f 
Those  gentlemen  having  no  principles,  above  ambition  and 
avarice,  to  influence  them,  being  once  in  place,  are  capable 
of  being  more  injurious  to  the  commonwealth,  each  of  them, 
than  an  hundred  highwaymen ;  and  yet  Tyburn  is  not  hon- 

*  The  author  has  often  lamented  the  unhappy  untimely  end  of  the 
malefactors  hung  up  every  session;  sometimes  for  things  perhaps  com- 
paratively trifling,  and  wliich  in  themselves  cannot  merit  so  severe  a 
punishment.  It  does  not  appear  from  Scripture  or  reason,  that  common 
theft  should  be  punished  with  the  gallows;  and  especially  when  the 
matter  stolen  is  of  little  value.  Nor  does  it  appear  to  be  good  policy  to 
deprive  society  of  a  member,  who  might  afterwards  be  useful,  on  ac- 
count of  some  ras-h  and  unguarded  invasion  of  his  neighbor's  property. 
Hang  then)  once,  and  their  services  are  for  ever  lost  to  the  community. 
If  other  methods  were  taken,  villany  would  be  more  successfully  sup- 
pressed, and  the  m.ombers  of  society  spared  for  usefulness.  The  British 
senitors  must  needs  see,  that  the  hanging  trade  does  not  lessen  the 
number  of  rogues,  nor  the  untimely  end  of  one  leave  suitable  impressions 
upon  the  minds  of  others.  To  be  bound  to  hard  labor  for  the  space  of 
one  j^ear,  would  be  more  terrible  than  to  he  transported  for  seven:  and 
besides,  use  might  introduce  a  laborious  habit,  which  would  render  steal- 
ing unnecessary.  I  am  persuaded,  that  to  a  dissolute  young  man,  who 
hates  labor,  to  be  chained  to  a  dung-cart,  or  placed  in  some  other  servile 
station,  would  be  more  dreadful  than  Tyburn  itself. 

t  If  an  ingenious  mechanic  should  die  for  filing  a  single  guinea;  an 
extravagant  youth  be  hanged,  without  mercy,  for  putting  one  in  bodily 
fear,  on  the  highway ;  or  a  vain  girl,  in  the  prime  of  life,  be  executed  for 
stealing  a  few  yards  of  lace,  and  others  plunder  the  nation  of  thousands 
with  impunity,  it  shows  that  there  must  be  a  defect  somewhere. 

F 


62  DIALOGUES 

ored  with  a  gentleman  thief,  above  once  in  a  century,  much 
to  the  grief  of  real  patriots. 

Another  class  of  gentlemen  thieves,  are  our  officers  by  sea 
and  land,  who  impose  upon  their  king  and  country,  by  false 
musters :  and  in  a  very  peculiar  manner  those  who  make 
their  own  fortunes,  (no  matter  whether  in  the  East  or  West 
Indies)  by  the  fatigue  of  their  men,  who  are  left  to  remain 
in  their  original  penury.  These,  together  with  the  com- 
missaries" for  the  army,  agents  for  regunents,  &c.  are  all 
stationed  here. 

The  second  subdivision  is  peopled  by  what  we  call  the 
fashionable  thieves.  A  prodigious  populous  place  is  this. 
Here  dwell  legions  of  attorneys ;  vermin,  who,  for  five  shil- 
lings' worth  of  labor,  will  charge  their  clients  near  the  same 
number  of  pounds ;  and  very  conscientiously  take  pay,  for 
wilfully  perverting  and  defeating  a  just  cause.  Here  you 
may  find  gentlemen,  who  can  procure  witnesses  to  swear 
just  as  you  would  have  them,  and  pack  a  jury  that  can  give 
a  clear  verdict,  over  the  belly  of  the  most  consistent  evi- 
dence. Such  a  jury  hath,  ere  now,  saved  a  noble  neck  from 
the  deserved  cord,  through  the  all-subduing  power  of  money. 
To  this  famous  division  belongs  the  tradesman,  who  wi'l 
take  more  from  an  unskilful  buyer,  than  he  knows  in  his 
conscience  his  goods  are  worth :  a  thing  very  common 
among  dealers.  Also,  the  wealthy  gentleman,  who,  in  buy- 
ing, will  take  advantage  of  the  indigence  of  the  seller,  and 
pay,  if  he  can,  less  than  the  real  worth  of  what  he  buys.  This 
practice  is  now  so  very  near  to  universal,  that  tradesmen  deal 
witii  one  another,  for  the  most  part,  as  if  they  were  all  known 
to  be  rogues  and  cheats ;  and  he  is  the  best  tradesman,  that 
can  best  guard  against  the  villany  of  his  neighbors. 

Here  dwells  the  careful  tradesman,  who,  if  a  man  once 
owes  him  five  pounds,  would  write  down  five  pounds  ten 
shillings.  This  method  is  so  much  in  vogue,  that  many 
people  dare  not  trust  their  names  on  the  tradesmen's  books. 
As  for  my  friend.  Sir  Roger  Latepay,  he  has  had  such  ex- 
perience of  it,  that  his  wood  is  in  danger.  In  this  fashionable 
division  dwells  the  tradesman,  who,  conscious  that  his  own 
capital  is  expended,  supports  his  luxury  and  grandeur  at  the 
expense  of  his  dealers ;  and  many  such  there  be  in  town  and 
country.  The  avaricious  farmers,  manufacturers  and  house- 
holders, who  make  their  servants  and  mechanics  work  under 


OF    DEVILS.  03 

Iheir  usual  wages,  from  the  pretence  of  deadness  of  trade,  &,c. 
The  buyer,  who  is  conscious  of  his  present  inabihty,  and 
spends  without  any  probable  view  of  being  hereafter  able  to 
pay,  dwells  in  the  very  heart  of  this  division ;  and  hard  by 
him  dwells  the  father,  who,  to  gratify  a  depraved  taste, 
squanders  away  his  estate,  to  the  defrauding  of  his  wife  and 
children.     All  of  these,  sir,  are  very  fashionable  people. 

The  third  division  is  that  of  holy  thieves.  That  is,  men 
whose  theft  is  in  holy  things.  By  holy  thieves,  I  mean  un- 
holy men,  sustaining  holy  offices.  Such  is  he,  v.ho  enter.s 
into  orders,  merely  for  the  sake  of  a  good  living.  All  who 
climb  over  the  wall,  and  come  not  in  by  the  door,  are  tiiieves 
and  robbers.  Thieves,  because  they  steal  the  portion  of  the 
priests ;  for,  having  no  right  to  the  sacerdotal  function,  their 
participation  of  the  altar  is  sacrilegious  theft.  Robbers,  be- 
cause they  make  havoc  of  the  church,  and  deprive  God's 
children  of  the  food  allowed  them  by  their  heavenly  father. 
Here  dwell  shoals  of  popish  priests,  and  very  considerable 
numbers  of  protestant  clergy,  of  various  denominations,  as 
well  as  the  total  sum  of  pagan  and  mahometan  mufties. 
His  holiness,  the  pope  of  Rome,  is  indeed  president  in  this 
division,  for  he  steals  the  prerogatives  of  God  and  applies 
them  to  his  own  private  use. 

The  fourth  division  in  the  canton  of  thieves,  are  those 
whom  we  call  the  sporting  thieves.  Such  are  card-players, 
cock-fighters,  horse-coursers,  and  gamblers  of  all  sorts.  I 
know  of  none  of  my  sporting  subjects,  but  what  will  win  if 
tliey  can,  either  by  upright,  or  inequitable  means.  There- 
fore, with  us  it  is  an  established  maxim,  that  the  true  gam- 
bler is  the  certain  thief.  Here  too  you  may  find  princes, 
nobles,  spiritual  and  temporal,  and  judges  of  every  rank. 
Ha !  ha !  ha !  how  have  I  been  ready  to  split  my  sides  with 
laughing,  to  see  an  archbishop  lay  aside  his  mitre,  and  take 
up  a  pack  of  cards;  and  the  sacred  judge,  after  having 
passed  sentence  on  a  criminal,  lay  aside  all  his  solemnity, 
and  put  on  the  sprightly  sportsman !  Then  cried  I,  O !  the 
bench !  O !  the  pulpit !  O !  the  gambler ! 

The  fifth  division  in  the  canton  of  thieves,  is  inhabited  by 
what  we  call  fantastic  thieves.  A  very  contemptible  can- 
ton this  is  with  sensible  people.  Yet  foolish  as  they  are  with 
their  nostrums,  they  make  it  appear,  that  there  are  people 
more  foolish  than  themselves ;  for  they  pick  the  pockets  of 


64  DIALOGUES 

the  neighboring  cantons  very  cleverly.  Here  dwell  your 
Daffies,  Godfries,  Stoughtons,  Fluggers,  Lowthers,  Jameses, 
Turlingtons,  &c.  Here  the  famous  Mr.  Mountebank  is 
president,  and  Mr.  Andrew  Archee  is  his  deputy.  In  this 
division  nothing  is  heard  of  but  pills,  lozenges,  troches,  bal- 
sams, elixirs,  drops,  cordials,  and  the  ready  coin ;  for  the 
fantastical  thieves  can  give  no  credit. 

The  sixth  division  consists  of  plain  honest  highwaymen. 
Honest,  when  compared  with  many  of  the  others ;  for  when 
the  thieves  are  about  to  rob  a  man,  they  very  honestly  tell 
him  their  design,  and  stake  but  a  few  high  words,  and  the 
mouth  of  the  pistol,  against  the  purse  and  all  that  is  in  it, 
which,  notwithstanding  the  odds  be  greatly  on  the  traveller's 
side,  the  highwayman  carries  lightly  off,  with  the  watch 
into  the  bargain.  Whereas  many  of  the  gentlemen  thieves 
carry  on  their  work  so  slily,  that  you  know  not  their  inten- 
tion of  robbing  you,  until  long  after  the  robbery  is  committed. 
O !  Tyburn,  Tyburn,  thou  hast  long  groaned  for  such  men 
as  these ! 

Here  too  are  many  venerable  priests,  who,  by  pretended 
pardons,  dispensations,  &c.  play  the  pick-pocket  to  great  ad- 
vantage. Much  could  I  say  about  this  class  of  veterans  in 
the  thieving  trade,  were  I  not  afraid  of  exciting  their  re- 
sentment, which  would  be  very  detrimental  to  my  designs, 
as  they  lead  the  consciences  of  the  laity  just  which  way 
they  please. 

Infidelis.  Indeed,  my  son,  by  your  account  of  them,  the 
highwayman  and  pick-pockets  are  less  prejudicial  to  society, 
than  many  who  are  held  to  be  men  of  great  renown. 

Impiator.  Ay,  sir,  a  thousand  times,  and  I  can  tell  you 
that  some  of  the  greatest  names  are  enrolled  in  the  annals 
of  this  canton  of  thieves.  There  are  the  Grecian  and  Roman 
heroes,  almost  in  general,  particularly  great  Alexander, 
and  Julius  Csesar.     There  is  Tamerlane,  there  is  Kouli 

Khan,  there  is  Philip  of  Spam,  and  there  is  L s  of  France, 

who  has  as  good  an  inclination  to  thieving  as  any  body. 
Poor  gentleman !  it  is  not  half  a  century  since  he  put  forth 
his  hand  to  pick  the  pocket  of  George  king  of  Britain ;  but 
he  got  his  fingers  most  wofully  bitten,  before  he  could  pull 
them  in  again.  But  what  is  bred  in  the  bones  will  never  be 
out  of  the  flesli ;  therefore,  as  the  English  did  not  take  care 
effectually  to  secure  themselves  when  they  had  it  in  their 


OF    DEVILS.  G5 

power,  they  must  expect  furtlier  experience  of  French 
theft. 

Infidelis.  One  would  have  thought  that  the  English  have 
had  so  many  instances  of  royal  thett,  from  that  quarter,  that 
they  would  have  effectually  prevented  future  danger  from 
thence.  Nor  are  our  good  friends  the  Spaniards  less  in- 
clined to  the  thievish  practice  than  their  neighbors.  Wit- 
ness Peru  and  Mexico,  those  once  opulent  and  populous 
kingdoms,  which  now  belong  to  them,  in  the  same  manner 
as  the  purse  of  gold  belongs  to  the  highwayman,  who  took 
it  from  the  gentleman  whom  he  murdered. 

Impiator.  Ay,  sir,  great  thieves  are  abundantly  more 
hurtful  to  mankmd,  than  thieves  of  a  dwarfish  size ;  though 
famous  Tyburn,  and  the  places  akin  to  it,  seldom  have  the 
honor  of  ushering  them  into  the  other  world. 

The  third  canton  is  the  liars'  canton,  a  people  with  double 
tongues,  and  of  the  nature  of  an  otter,  amphibious.  The 
great  Beelzebub  is  grand  president  here,  but  is  represented 
by  two  famous  deputies,  nami'ly,  the  artful  Mahomet,  and 
the  good  old  gentleman  at  Rome.  Of  the  two,  the  latter 
is  most  in  favor  at  court,  because  Beelzebub  says,  he  is  so 
very  much  of  his  own  image ;  although,  it  must  be  owned, 
Mahomet  bears  a  very  great  resemblance.  All  the  holy 
fathers,  my  lords  the  inquisitors,  with  their  assistant  famil- 
iars. All  the  venerable  patriarchs,  and  princely  cardinals, 
reside  in  the  metropolis,  near  the  exchange,  in  the  principal 
street,  which  is  a  straight  thoroughfare  to  hell.  The  bishops, 
of  both  ranks,  are  stationed  next  to  them,  and  greatly  facili- 
tate the  journey  of  passengers.  The  very  populous  suburbs 
are  inhabited  by  the  sons  of  St.  Ignatius ;  than  whom,  none 
are  more  excellent  at  the  arts  of  lying  and  evasion.  And 
here  too  are  abundance  of  friars,  of  every  order,  who,  though 
less  crafty  than  the  Jesuits,  are  very  diligent  in  the  great 
work  of  deceit.  In  this  country,  politeness  and  learning 
have  arrived  at  the  greatest  perfection.  Here  are  abundance 
of  courtiers,  and  statesmen,  besides  atheists  and  deists, 
highly  esteemed  by  our  people,  for  their  learning  and  sense. 

The  famous  court  liars  are  like  a  dead  fish.  They  al- 
ways swim  w^th  the  stream  of  power.  They  are  for  or 
against  stamp-acts,  and  general  warrants,  just  as  the  senti- 
ments of  their  6uperioi-s  direct.  They  are  Protestants,  or 
intolerant  papists,  or  neither,  just  as  their  prince  is  inclined, 
F2 


66  DIALOGUES 

or  as  their  own  interests  require.  Their  consciences  are 
tender  as  a  willow,  and  will  turn  any  way  with  the  appli- 
cation of  a  purse  of  gold,  a  place,  a  pension,  or  a  peerage. 
When  it  serves  their  low  and  base  purposes,  you  will  find 
them  patriots ;  but  if  the  good  of  the  nation  clashes  with 
then-  sinister  views,  you  may  find  them  traitors  either  to 
church  or  state,  or  to  both.  Of  this  class  were  Bonner  and 
Gardiner,  zealous  Protestants  in  the  days  of  Edward  the 
Sixth,  and  bloody  papists  in  the  reign  of  his  sister  of  scarlet 
memory.  To  this  class  also  belonged  Sharp,  the  archbishop 
of  St.  Andrew's ;  for  it  was  not  conviction,  but  gold,  that 
changed  his  sentiments  from  presbytery  to  prelacy.  All  the 
arguments  "which  my  lords,  the  bishops  of  England,  had  ad- 
vanced, made  no  more  impression  upon  him,  than  an  arrow 
would  have  made  upon  a  rock  of  flint ;  but  when  his  majes- 
ty came,  in  a  rhetorical  manner,  to  press  him  home  with  a 
heavy  purse  of  gold,  a  coach  and  six,  and  a  bishopric,  he 
was  quite  confounded,  and  had  not  a  word  to  say  for  mother 
kirk  of  Scotland.     Such  court  arguments  as  this,  sir,  stop 

the  mouths  of  many  a  patriot;  Lord  C m  is  a  recent 

proof  of  this.  Such  was  the  force  of  his  elocution  that  it 
could  gain  battles,  subdue  states,  reverse  laws,  and  make 
placemen  tremble,  until  he  was  unhappily  confounded  by  a 
place,  a  pension,  and  a  peerage ;  and  now,  poor  gentleman, 
he  has  nothing  left  to  gratify  his  ambition,  but  the  melan- 
choly reflection  of  what  he  once  was. 

There  is  another  herd  of  court  liars,  (excuse  the  phrase, 
sir,  because  it  is  the  common  opinion,  that  of  all  vermin, 
court  liars  are  tlie  most  detestable)  who  fawn  like  a  spaniel 
upon  every  prince  that  ascends  the  throne,  in  order  to  in- 
gratiate themselves  into  his  favor,  thereby  to  make  sure  of 
their  own  emolument.  If  the  manners  of  the  prince  are 
ever  so  dissolute,  they  caress  him  as  their  most  wise  and 
amiable  monarch.  Though  he  were  as  much  of  a  dastard 
as  Sardanapalus,  they  will  persuade  him  that  he  will  vie 
with  Hector  for  magnanimity.  If  he  is  a  drunkard,  or  glut- 
ton, they  will  flatter  him  with  his  temperance ;  or  represent 
his  luxury  as  a  princely  virtue,  very  becoming  a  royal  per- 
sonage; even  if  one  half  of  his  subjects  be  famishing  for 
want  of  bread.  Some  of  those  court  liars  will  tell  their 
prince,  that  it  is  no  crime  at  all  for  him  to  enter  his  neigh- 
bor's territories,  and  murder  twenty  or  thirty  thousand  of 


OF    DEVILS.  67 

his  subjects,  though  there  is  really  no  cause  given  on  their 
part,  for  the  hostile  invasion.  Some  such  villians  precipi- 
tated Lewis  of  France  into  a  war  with  Britain,  which  W'Ould 
infallibly  have  proved  his  ruin,  had  he  not  been  well  be- 
friended by  some  people  near  St.  James's. 

A  truly  patriotic  courtier  is  a  strong  pillar  to  the  throne ; 
but  court  liars  are  the  destruction  of  that  prince  whose  ear 
they  govern. 

It  is  my  opinion,  that  a  prince  has  need  either  to  be  a 
very  wise  man  himself,  or  to  have  very  honest  men  about 
him.  Happy  is  that  nation,  who  has  a  wise  and  prudent 
king,  and  at  the  same  time  honest  and  faithful  ministers. 
Earthly  thrones  are  so  infested  with  fawning  flatterers! 
that  if  the  prince  is  not  very  well  acquainted  with  his  Bible, 
it  is  difficult  for  him  to  know,  whether  he  is  virtuous  or 
vicious. 

Infidelis.  That  is  a  book  in  little  esteem.  Great  men 
are  for  the  most  part  too  polite  to  trouble  themselves  with 
its  contents,  because  they  are  so  unfavorable  to  their  pr.-ic- 
tices. 

Tmpiator.  True,  and  by  those  means  princes  are  the 
more  readily  deceived.  For  a  mitred  courtier  may,  per- 
haps, tell  his  prince,  that  it  is  lawful  for  a  royal  personage, 
to  debauch  the  wife  or  daughter  of  one  of  an  inferior  rank, 
but  unlawful  for  a  plebeian ;  notwithstanding  his  spiritual 
lordship  knows  very  well,  that  w-hen  God  said,  "  Whore- 
mongers and  adulterers  I  will  judge,"  he  exempted  not  the 
prince  any  more  than  the  peasant ;  for  with  him  there  is  no 
respect  of  persons  on  account  of  their  worldly  dignity. 

Another  right  reverend  courtier  tells  his  prince,  that  it  is 
allowable  enough  in  him,  on  the  Sabbath,  after  the  irksome 
service  is  over  at  church,  to  divert  himself  with  a  quiet, 
civil  game  at  chess,  quadrille,  or  whatever  his  pious  incli- 
nation leads  him  to ;  and  that  it  may  be  lawful  for  some  fa- 
vorite nobility  to  assist  at  the  sport ;  but,  says  he,  it  is  utter- 
ly unlawful  for  the  husbandman  and  low^  mechanic;  though 
the  downy  doctor  knows  well  enough,  that  when  the  Al- 
mighty sanctified  the  Sabbath,  it  was  not  a  part  only,  but 
the  whole  Sabbath  he  intended. 

Infidells.  Well,  Impiator,  whatever  license  the  right 
reverends  allow  at  court,  their  sable  brethren  in  the  coun- 
try are  not  less  indulgent ;  for  in  most  parishes  in  England, 


68  DIALOGUES 

the  people  may  swear  or  pray,  get  drunk  or  communicate, 
go  to  church  or  stay  at  home,  get  to  heaven  or  hell,  just  as 
Sieir  inclination  leads  them,  for  any  concern  his  reverence 
the  parson  gives  himself,  provided  always  he  is  not  cheated 
of  his  dues. 

Impiator.  I  know  I  am  well  befriended  by  many  clergy- 
men. But  to  return  to  the  prince,  I  assure  you  I  have  often 
thought  that,  of  all  men,  it  is  the  greatest  difficulty  for  him 
to  be  a  good  man,  and  get  safe  to  heaven :  he  has  so  many 
about  him,  who  are  base  enough  to  commend  even  his  vices, 
and  but  very  few  who  love  him  well  enough  to  correct  his 
errors.  But  if  I  become  a  moralist  now,  you'll  suppose  I 
act  out  of  character.  However,  though  many  have  exhaust- 
ed all  their  wit  and  good  nature  upon  the  court  liars,  they 
are  still  the  same,  they  lie  as  fast  as  ever  for  the  sake  of 
money,  estates,  hi^h  places,  &c. :  therefore  some  people  call 
them  mercenary  liars. 

But  many  of  the  inhabitants  of  this  canton  are  less  ambi- 
tious, and  will  very  freely  tell  lies  for  a  penny  gain ;  amongst 
those  are  the  travelling  tradesmen,  who  carry  their  shops 
upon  their  backs.  Them  we  call  the  petty  dealers,  and  the 
humble  liars.  But  we  have  others  more  generous  still,  who 
will  give  you  a  lie  fresh  from  the  mint,  with  no  other  view 
but  to  raise  a  laugh.  These  we  call  the  merry  liars,  be- 
cause they  go  laughing  to  hell.  Others  we  have,  who  stand 
in  the  capacity  of  god-fathers  and  god-mothers,  who  very 
roundly  promise  and  vow  to  do,  for  the  child,  what  they 
never  intend  to  perform.  Some  people  call  them  the  fool- 
hardy liars.  Next  to  them  reside  a  very  venerable  tribe, 
called  by  the  name  of  reverend  liars.  Reverend,  because 
in  holy  orders ;  and  liars,  because  they  tell  my  lord  bishop, 
that  they  are  moved  by  the  Holy  Ghost,  to  take  upon  them 
the  office  of  a  deacon,  whereas  they  are  moved  by  the  hope 
of  a  good  living,  not  knowing  that  there  is  such  a  being  as 
the  Holy  Ghost ;  and  deeming  it  enthusiasm  to  profess  to  be 
moved  by  him.  When  once  put  into  orders,  and  a  benefice, 
those  worthy  gentlemen  rave  against  all  who  profess  to  be 
influenced  in  their  devotion,  by  the  Holy  Spirit,  as  fanatics, 
enthusiasts,  and  madmen.  Now,  either  my  good  friend  the 
parson  lies  to  my  lord  bishop,  or  his  congregation ;  but  the 
truth  is,  he  lies  to  both. 

The  fourth  canton  is,  that  of  sabbath-breakers,  which  is  a 


OF   DEVILS.  G9 

very  populous,  polite  and  opulent  canton  indeed.  The  far 
greater  part  of  the  nobility,  and  other  gentlemen  of  rank 
and  fortune,  reside  here.  Tliey  are  too  well-bred  to  wor- 
ship God  on  Sunday,  in  public  or  private.  They  scorn  to 
suppose  themselves  indebted  to  the  Almighty  for  life,  and 
breath,  and  all  things ;  or  to  be  accountable  to  liim  for  the 
use  they  make  of  their  time,  estates,  and  talents.  They 
leave  it  to  the  low-lifed  mechanics,  to  go  to  church  or  meet- 
ing, or  when  there,  to  be  devout,  and  take  notice  of  what 
tliey  are  about.  Let  the  parson  talk  about  heaven,  or  hell, 
or  what  they  will,  they  are  unconcerned,  never  once  sup- 
posing themselves  endued  with  immortal  souls. 

There  is  my  good  friend,  my  lord  Timelagg,  a  nobleman 
of  the  first  distinction ;  he  is  so  taken  up  tlirough  the  week, 
with  contriving  how  to  provide  for  himself  and  his  creatures, 
that  he  is  in  no  condition  to  go  to  church  on  Sunday,  but 
chooses  some  convenient  part  of  it  for  an  airing,  either  in 
tlie  coach  with  my  lady,  or  on  horseback  with  his  cousin, 
'squire  Idle.  Mrs.  Housekeeper  also  is  very  closely  em- 
ployed in  preparing  tea  and  chocolate  against  their  return. 
Mr.  Steward  is  very  busy  in  preparing  his  rent-rolls,  studi- 
ously contriving  how  to  extract  an  estate  for  himself,  out  of 
his  master's,  so  that  he  cannot  go  to  church  at  any  rate. 
The  footman,  and  my  lady's  woman  must  needs  attend  their 
master  and  mistress ;  the  coachman  and  postilion  must 
guide  the  machine ;  the  butler  and  groom  must  be  within 
call,  one  to  take  care  of  the  horses,  and  the  other  to  furnish 
with  claret  or  champaign ;  so  that  the  minister  is  very  little 
obliged  to  his  lordship  for  findmg  him  an  auditory  to  preach 
to. 

The  London  tradesmen  come  up  as  near  to  his  lordship's 
example  as  their  circumstances  will  admit  of.  Their  spirits 
are  quite  exhausted  with  the  fatigues  of  weekly  busmess ; 
therefore,  instead  of  leading  their  families  duly  to  church, 
you  may  meet  squadrons  of  them  every  Saturday  night  and 
Sunday  morning,  going  to  regale  themselves  with  a  Sun- 
day's pleasure,  which  consists  in  eating,  carousing  and 
riding. 

Then  there  is  your  sabbath-day  visitors;  very  genteel 
people.  The  tea-table  gossips  are  much  concerned  here: 
you  may  find  hundreds  of  tables,  the  conversation  of  which 
is  supported  at  the  expense  of  the  reputation  of  some  absent. 


70  DIALOGUES 

For  it  must  be  observed  that  our  gossips  are  so  absolutely 
destitute  of  innate  ideas,  and  are  such  perfect  strangers  to 
the  affairs  of  civil  life,  that  they  cannot  support  conversa- 
tion five  minutes  at  a  sitting,  but  by  the  lielp  of  slander. 
Hence  some  people  have  said,  that  slander  is  the  very  soul 
of  conversation.  And  sure  enough,  if  you  pick  out  all  the 
slanderous  expressions  from  the  conversation  of  our  gossips, 
you  will  have  but  a  very  scanty  fragment  remaining. 

There  are  others  so  given  up  to  indolence,  that  they  keep 
great  part  of  the  Sabbath  in  bed,  on  a  couch,  or  in  the  easy 
chair.  These  people  are  so  exceedmgly  opprest  with  the 
weight  of  their  own  bodies  that  they  can  attend  at  neither 
church  nor  chapel,  although  active  enough  the  other  parts 
of  the  week :  and  yet  they  are  good  Christians,  and  hope  to 
go  to  heaven  when  they  die.  And  yet  they  seldom  think  of 
any  thing  but  living  for  ever ;  in  order  to  which  they  eat, 
drink,  and  sleep  away  the  sabbath.  These  go  by  the  name 
of  lazy  sabbath-breakers ;  and  all  who  are  employed  tlie 
whole  morning,  in  preparhig  superfluities  for  dinner,  live 
along  with  them. 

Another  class  of  sabbath-breakers  consists  of  the  petty 
dealers,  who  buy  or  sell  commodities,  for  back  or  belly,  on 
the  sabbath  day.  We  call  them  the  mistrustful  sabbath- 
breakers,  because  they  cannot  trust  God  with  their  customers ; 
and  slothful  sabbath-breakers,  because  they  do  not  provide 
for  their  families,  on  the  six  days  appointed  for  labor.  Eng- 
land, with  all  its  bravery,  is  horribly  disgraced  by  a  set  of 
profane  people,  such  as  grocers,  chandlers,  butchers,  barbers 
and  bakers,  who  will  not  miss  the  taking  a  penny  on  the 
sabbath,  any  more  than  another  day.  Besides  them,  there 
are  tailors,  mantua  and  shoemakers,  who,  with  their  late  fin- 
ishes, make  great  encroachments  on  the  sabbath,  and  that  ip 
the  most  open  manner. 

Infidelis.  I  thought  in  England,  the  law  had  made  pro- 
vision against  such  enormous  breaches  of  the  sabbath. 

Impiator.  Yes,  the  laws  do  indeed  make  provision  for 
the  suppression  of  such  vices :  but  I  have  the  pleasure  of 
seeing  the  enforcing  of  those  laws,  very  oflen  left  with  peo- 
ple who  are  entirely  devoted  to  my  interest ;  so  the  laws 
are  frequently  asleep,  when  I  am  awake  and  upon  my  rounds. 

But  there  is  another  tribe  against  whom  there  is  no  hu- 


OF   DEVILS.  71 

man  law.  I  mean  the  thinking  sabbath-breakers ;  a  careful 
industrious  set  of  people;  esteemed  by  all  and  known  but  to 
few.  They  are  constantly  employed  tliroug-h  the  week,  and 
are  glad  of  the  sabbath's  approach,  that  they  may  repair 
their  bodily  fitigue,  and  give  a  free  scope  to  their  plodding 
mmds.  When  they  awake  on  the  Sabbath  morning,  they 
are  deeply  contemplating  some  transactions  of  the  past  week, 
or  concerting  measures  proper  to  be  followed  in  the  ensuing. 
Nor  does  the  man  alter  his  subject  when  he  goes  to  church. 
No,  he  is  quite  uniform.  Try  him,  and  you  will  find  him 
all  of  a  piece.  Let  the  parson  choose  what  subject  he  will, 
the  other  sticks  to  his  text ;  so  that  it  oflen  happens  when 
the  minister  thinks  his  auditory  is  collected,  and  the  bulk  of 
his  parish  appear  at  church,  he  is  mistaken ;  for  the  greatest 
part  of  those  whom  he  thinks  to  be  present,  are  only  there 
in  appearance ;  their  minds,  their  better  part,  being  absent 
on  other  occasions. 

For  instance,  the  parson  sometimes  thinks  that  he  sees 
'squire  Folly  and  madam  his  lady,  in  the  front  pew  of  the 
right-hand  gallery :  but  he  is  mistaken ;  for  only  their  bodies 
are  there ;  their  minds  are  absent.  As  for  the  'squire,  he  is 
busy  chasing  the  hare  or  fox,  over  all  the  hedges  and  ditches 
in  his  manor ;  and  his  lady  is  mentally  at  this  ball,  or  the 
other  assembly ;  or  at  this  play  or  the  other  opera ;  or  per- 
haps she  is  cheapening  silks,  at  Mr.  Cant's,  silk-mercer,  on 
Ludgate-hill. 

Sometimes  the  merchant  seems  to  be  at  church :  however, 
he  is  only  there  in  bod}^  his  soul  having  sailed  in  the  good 
ship  Bonadventure,  to  buy  slaves  on  the  coast  of  Guinea,  or 
barter  goods  at  Bengal  or  Malabar.  The  mercer,  draper, 
and  grocer,  seem  sometimes  to  be  there ;  but  frequently  it  is 
an  imposition :  for  although  their  bodies  may  indeed  be  pres- 
ent, their  souls  are  gone  on  a  journey,  to  visit  their  custom- 
ers, or  left  at  home,  in  the  countmg-house,  balancing  their 
books,  or  examining  their  tradesmen's  bills,  that  they  may 
know  with  whom  they  can  deal  to  the  greatest  advantage ; 
perhaps  issuing  forth  a  capias  against  'squire  Latepay,  a 
gentleman  well  known  to  those  dealers ;  or  it  may  be,  the 
soul  is  busy,  entering  protests  agamst  certain  extravagant 
manufacturers. 

As  for  the  industrious  farmer,  you  may  well  think  he 


72  DIALOGUES 

has  something"  else  to  employ  his  mind,  than  either  sermon 
or  prayers ;  for  it  must  needs  require  much  thought  and 
forecast  to  determine  right,  where  to  sow  his  wheat,  where 
his  clover,  and  what  land  to  set  apart  for  hemp,  how  to  dis- 
pose of  his  young  colt,  and  the  gray  horse,  who  is  in  danger 
of  losing  his  eyes.  And  he,  good  man,  hath  found  from  long 
experience,  that  he  can  contrive  better  at  church  than  any- 
where else ;  and  being  willmg  to  thrive  m  the  world,  he 
will  let  slip  no  opportunity  proper  for  advantageous  consid- 
eration. 

But  I  can  tell  you,  sir,  if  the  people  so  frequently  put  the 
cheat  upon  their  parson,  he  in  his  turn  retaliates  upon  them ; 
and  many  times  when  the  congregation  flatter  themselves 
that  they  see  the  parson  in,  and  hear  his  voice  from  the 
pulpit,  they  are  mistaken ;  for  it  is  only  his  body,  his  soul 
being  attending  the  levee  of  this  nobleman,  or  the  other 
bishop,  •  making  his  court  for  a  fatter  benefice.  These,  sir, 
are  some  of  the  thinking  sabbath-breakers. 

Then  there  are  the  mad  sabbath-breakers,  a  set  of  the 
very  dregs  of  humanity ;  and  yet  by  some  means  or  other 
their  impious  practices  are  connived  at,  notwithstanding  in- 
terdicted by  all  laws  divine  and  human.  Such  are  our  pel- 
let throwers  in  Yorkshire  and  Durham ;  our  foot-ball  tossers, 
who  are  found  all  over  the  nation;  our  leapers,  runners, 
tavern-haunters,  and  all  of  every  denomination,  who  exer- 
cise themselves  in  any  sport  on  the  sabbath,  are  stationed 
along  with  the  mad  sabbath-breakers. 

Last  of  all  these  are  our  religious  sabbath-breakers,  a  dis- 
trict that  is  formed  of  party  zealots  and  self-seekers,  both 
preachers  and  hearers.  As  for  the  former,  their  doctrine  is 
various.  One  man  preaches  the  pope,  another  preaches  the 
councils.  One  preaches  St.  Dominick,  another  St.  Francis. 
One  preaches  episcopacy  like  the  great  Sacheverel,  another 
preaches  presbytery,  as  the  only  way  of  salvation.  One 
preaches  up  mankind  in  general,  and  another  preaches  his 
own  personal  endowments  in  particulars ;  but  as  for  preach- 
ing Jesus  Christ,  that  is  quite  foreign  to  their  purpose,  and 
is  therefore  left  to  be  performed  by  otliers.  Thus,  sire,  you 
have  had  a  view  of  the  canton  of  sabbath-breakers. 

Infidelis.  And  a  noble  canton  it  is,  my  son,  both  rich 
and  populous,  of  great  service  to  us,  and  vast  enlargement 


OF    DEVILS.  73 

to  the  territories  of  Beelzebub.  How  illustrious  is  the  throne 
of  great  Impiator !  I  long  to  have  a  description  of  the  rest 
of  your  kingdom,  but  for  the  present  I  must  be  gone,  my 
son.  Will  you  please  to  give  me  the  meeting  here  to-mor- 
row morning  ] 
Impiator.  I  will,  sir.  Adieu. 


DIALOGUE  VI. 

FASTOSUS   AND   AVARO. 

Privy  to  the  appointment  betwixt  Fastosus  and  Avaro,  I 
resolved  to  stay  their  coming,  and  had  not  been  long  before 
I  saw  them  at  a  distance,  walkmg  up  the  valley  towards 
me.  Arrived  at  the  usual  place  of  conference,  Fastosus 
struck  twice  with  his  rod  on  the  earth,  and  instantly  there 
arose  two  thrones  of  the  blackest  ebony,  one  of  which  he 
occupied  himself,  and  the  other  was  filled  by  his  cousin, 
Avaro.  Thus  enthroned,  Fastosus  opened  the  conversa.tion, 
whilst  I  seized  my  pen,  and  sat  eager  to  catch  the  fleeting 
sound. 

Fastosus.  You  know,  Avaro,  when  w^e  parted  in  the 
morning,  I  was  going  to  assist  my  lady  Gaiety,  to  dress  for 
her  visit  to  my  good  lord  Frolic.  I  went  accordingly,  and 
hard  work  I  assure  you  w^e  had  of  it.  As  soon  as  I  appear- 
ed before  the  toilet,  I  received  orders  to  render  myself  in- 
visible, and  not  to  depart  the  room,  that  I  might  be  in  readi- 
ness to  adjust  the  head-dress,  and  bosom  ornaments.  Yes, 
madam,  said  I,  I  will  give  your  ladyship  due  attendance. 
With  that  I  rendered  myself  invisible  to  her,  but  continued 
visible  to  all  other  beholders.  So  to  dressing  we  went 
First  we  ornamented  the  feet,  which  was  attended  with 
very  considerable  difficulty.  It  cost  us  several  tyings  and 
untyings  before  her  ladyship  was  pleased  with  her  own 
foot.  At  last,  having  finished  the  feet,  and  my  lady  viewed 
them  several  times  in  every  position,  we  proceeded  to  other 
parts  of  the  important  work.  First  we  did  and  then  we 
undid  every  part  of  the  finery.  But  our  hardest  work  about 
the  head  and  bosom  was,  how  to  put  one  as  much  as  possible 
G 


74  DIALOGUES 

out  of  its  native  form,  and  to  expose  the  other  so  as  to  make 
sure  of  attracting  the  eyes  of  beholders.  Monsieur  Fris- 
seur,  who  was  our  assistant,  gave  it  as  his  opinion,  that  to 
come  up  to  the  very  zenith  of  the  mode,  it  was  necessary 
she  should  bear  an  head  as  much  as  possible  in  resemblance 
to  a  ram  without  horns ;  and  Mrs.  Prude,  my  lady's  woman, 
told  us  plainly,  that  Mrs.  Pander,  whose  province  it  is  to 
establish  female  customs,  had  expressly  declared,  every  lady 
worth  above  one  hundred  a  year,  ought,  in  a  full  dress,  to 
wear  her  bosom  quite  naked.  My  lady  is  adorned  with  ex- 
cellent hair ;  but  it  will  not  serve  her  except  it  bear  a  look 
the  most  unnatural  possible.  Her  skin,  fair  as  alabaster,  we 
were  obliged  to  daub  with  patches,  the  color  of  Beelzebub's 
coat,  as  a  token  of  her  loyalty  to  the  black  prince  of  the 
nether  regions.  But  how  to  place  these  patches  was  a  ques- 
tion of  no  ordinary  concern,  and  hardly  resolved  at  last. 
First  we  tried  one  large  patch  on  her  chin ;  but  my  lady 
soon  perceived,  that  it  hid  the  beauteous  dimple,  which  na- 
ture had  there  impressed,  and  therefore  it  was  presently  re- 
moved. Then  we  tried  how  the  cheek  would  answer ;  but 
alas !  it  obscured  the  lively  rose,  which  is  a  native  there, 
and  which  my  lady  takes  great  delight  to  view  in  her  glass; 
on  this  account  we  exempted  the  cheek  from  the  burden. 
At  last,  after  much  anxiety,  and  very  serious  consideration, 
it  was  resolved  that  we  should  fix  it  on  the  middle  of  her 
forehead,  resembling  the  eye  of  a  cyclops,  and  put  a  little 
one,  on  the  left  side  of  her  chin,  bearing  the  likeness  of  a 
mole.  However,  it  cost  several  trials  with  them  in  both 
places,  ere  the  patches  would  lie  agreeably  to  her  ladyship's 
fancy. 

AvARO.  Ah  !  Fastosus,  if  the  ladies  only  knew  how  ridic- 
ulous they  make  themselves  look  in  the  eyes  of  the  judi- 
cious, they  would  be  very  loth  thus  to  deform  their  native 
beauty.  What  delicate  beauty !  what  perfect  comeliness  do 
we  see  rendered  disagreeable  and  ridiculous,  by  these  trans- 
formations !  And  how  can  they  be  but  disagreeable  and  ri- 
diculous, when  all  the  decorations  of  nature  lie  concealed, 
and  nothing  appears  but  the  manufactory  of  art,  that  great 
supplanter  of  nature  1  Such  ladies  are  certainly  greatly  de- 
ceived by  you,  Fastosus ;  for  the  end  proposed  by  all  those 
metamorphoses  is  to  render  themselves  agreeable  to  the 
gentlemen,  whereas  they  produce  the  contrary  effect.  Art 


OF    DEVILS.  75 

can  never  beget  love.  Tliis  is  nature's  work  alone.  Art 
may  indeed  excite  lust;  but  nature  alone  begets  that  love 
which  a  virtuous  lady  would  strive  to  obtain.  It  is  strange, 
Fastosus,  that  nature  has  so  little,  and  affectation  such  great 
concern  among  people  of  fashion  as  at  this  day.  Well,  I 
hope  you  pleased  her  at  last  1 

Fastosus.  Yes,  yes,  I  hope  I  did ;  but  my  work  did  not 
end  with  madam:  for  Airs.  Prude,  her  woman,  who  was 
assisting  us  in  the  equipment  of  her  lady,  and  often  put  her 
tongue  into  her  cheek,  and  bit  her  lip,  to  prevent  her  laugh- 
ing out,  and  when  she  saw  her  mistress's  vanity,  as  soon  as 
I  had  done  with  her  lady,  beseeched  me  that  I  would  put  a 
few  pins  into  her  clothes,  because  she  was  to  attend  her 
mistress  to  lord  Frolic's ;  and,  notwithstanding  my  patience 
was  almost  spent  before,  I  was  obliged  to  stay  ever  so  long, 
pinning  and  unpinning  her ;  for  Mrs.  Prude  affected  the  fine 
gentlewoman,  almost  as  much  as  her  mistress. 

But  what  vexed  me  worse  than  all  the  rest  was,  just  as  I 
got  to  the  bottom  of  .the  stairs,  to  make  my  escape,  the  cook 
maid  caught  me  in  her  greasy  arms,  and  begged  me  to  as- 
sist her  to  dress  herself  in  her  half-holiday  clothes,  as  her 
sweetheart  was  to  take  the  advantage  of  her  lady's  absence 
to  come  and  visit  her.  I  could  not  deny  the  girl,  because  I 
thought  she  really  had  need  of  considerable  amendment,  be- 
fore she  presented  herself  to  her  lover.  So  after  we  had 
pinned  and  unpinned  a  considerable  time,  I  burst  through 
-the  casement,  to  avoid  the  importunity  of  the  laundry  and 
chamber  maids,  whom  I  saw  coming.  Thus  I  gave  them 
the  slip ;  for  those  ladies  and  their  female  attendants,  would 
drudge  any  devil  in  hell  off  his  feet,  might  they  have  their 
own  way.  But  I  am  right  glad  that  I  am  come  hither  from 
among  them. 

AvARo.  Then,  sir,  I  perceive  with  all  your  greatness,  you 
have  no  objections  to  assisting  a  waiting  woman  or  a  cook- 
maid  occasionally. 

FASTOsrs.  No  objection  at  all,  cousin.  The  soul  of  a 
waiting  woman  will  fill  a  vacancy  in  hell,  as  well  as  that 
of  her  lady.  The  difference  is  this ;  the  lady  of  honor  is  ca- 
pable of  drawing  more  to  hell  along  with  her,  than  her 
waiting  woman  can ;  therefore  I  choose  to  make  sure  of  the 
anistress,  and  for  the  most  part  the  maid  comes  along  by  her 
example.   But  as  soon  as  we  get  them  safejy  inclosed  with- 


76  DIALOGUES 

in  our  flaming  prison,  we  let  them  see  we  are  no  respecters 
of  persons ;  for  the  mistress  and  her  maids,  my  lord  and  his 
valet,  the  'squire  and  his  groom,  have  all  the  same  apart- 
ment allotted  to  them,  feed  all  at  the  same  table,  drink  of 
the  same  cup,  and  are  served  by  the  same  devil,  whom  they 
never  find  to  be  sparing  of  his  liquor ;  but  to  serve  them 
plenteously,  though  much  contrary  to  their  inclmations. 

AvARo.  That  doctrine  you  unpreach  when  you  attend 
upon  them,  Fastosus.  You  wisely  keep  your  thumb  upon 
tliat.  And  indeed  it  is  well  so  to  do ;  for  comely  as  your 
appearance  is,  they  would  discard  you  else.  Serious  thoughts 
of  futurity  would  spoil  all  our  sport,  uncle. 

Fastosus.  Indeed,  Avaro,  I  am  not  such  an  half-wit  as 
to  tell  my  lord,  that  his  riches  and  grandeur,  if  not  duly  im- 
proved, will  sink  him  lower  in  the  bottomless  abyss  than 
the  rustic  plebeian ;  nor  am  I  such  an  inconsiderate  devil, 
as  to  tell  him  that  his  hunting,  hawkmg,  horse-coursing, 
cock-fighting,  card-playmg,  drinking,  swearing,  whoring, 
&c.  are  the  broad  way  to  never-ending  torment.  Neither 
do  I  foolishly  tell  my  lady,  that  balls,  assemblies,  plays,  &c. 
are  the  rosy  paths  which  lead  most  infallibly  to  rujn.  No, 
no,  let  me  alone  for  that ;  I  warrant  me  I  can  keep  my 
counsel  well  enough ;  and  as  for  them  they  will  find  all  out 
at  last,  without  any  instruction. 

AvARO.  If  I  remember  right,  Fastosus,  when  we  parted 
last,  you  were  relating  the  manner  in  which  you  made  your 
entrance  good  amongst  men.  I  should  be  glad,  sir,  if  you 
will  be  so  obliging  as  to  finish  that  account. 

Fastostjs.  I  purpose  it,  Avaro.  You  may  remember  I 
told  you  that  great  Beelzebub,  having  discovered  the  woman 
to  be  the  weaker  vessel,  he  made  no  attempts  upon  the  vir- 
tue of  the  man,  but  resolved,  by  all  means,  to  seduce  the 
woman ;  not  doubting  but  she  would  bring  over  her  husband 
to  our  interest  along  with  her.  It  happened  one  night  that 
Adam  had  a  dream,  ommous  of  our  conquest,  which  made 
him  very  fearful,  lest  any  part  of  his,  or  his  wife's  conduct, 
should  promote  the  dire  event ;  therefore  he  reasoned  with 
her,  concerning  their  duty  to  their  Creator,  gave  her  the 
strictest  charge  to  keep  out  of  the  way  of  temptation,  and 
withal  informed  her,  that  he  was  not  without  his  fears,  even 
upon  her  account.  But  she,  for  her  part,  just  as  the  devil 
would  have  it,  resolved  to  separate  herself  firom  her  hus- 


OF    DEVILS.  77 

band  that  day,  which  she  had  never  done  before.  "^Vhether 
she  thoug-ht  to  endear  herself  more  to  him,  by  letting  him 
see  how  well  she  would  resist  temptation,  if  any  should  of- 
fer, or  took  it  rather  ill  to  be  under  his  tutorage,  I  pretend 
not  to  say ;  but,  rnaugre  all  his  entreaties,  she  would  go 
forth,  by  herself,  into  a  distant  walk,  to  gather  some  deli- 
cious berries,  for  an  innocent  repast  for  her  and  her  lord,  at 
noon. 

This  was  an  opportunity  just  to  Beelzebub's  wish,  and  he 
took  care  to  improve  it  to  advantage.  I  told  you  before,  that 
previous  to  this,  he  had  possessed  the  body  of  a  beautiful 
snake,  in  those  days  man's  familiar  domestic ;  and  now  find- 
ing Eve  at  a  distance  from  her  husband,  the  serpent  discov- 
ered himself  to  her,  and  with  more  than  animal  gestures 
attracted  her  eye.  Captivated  with  its  unusual  motion,  she 
stood  ravished  with  its  beauties,  and  admiring  its  agility. 
As  it  drew  near  to  her,  she  put  forth  her  gentle  hand,  stroked 
its  skin,  and  the  subtle  animal,  after  its  manner,  returned 
the  compliment,  by  laying  its  shining  head  on  her  lap.  Their 
station  was  near  to  the  tree  of  knowledge  of  good  and  evil, 
upon  which  the  forbidden  fruit  luxuriantly  hung.  To  this 
tree  the  serpent  frequently  looked,  with  all  the  languish- 
ment  of  ardent  desire,  until  once  he  made  sure  that  the  wo- 
man observed  it.  "  Lie  still,  thou  pretty  creature,  said  she, 
(stroking  it,)  what  makes  thee  look  so  earnestly  at  that  pro- 
hibited fruit]"  "/\h!  thou  fair  goddess,  returned  the  ser- 
pent, I  have  good  reason  to  admire  the  sovereign  virtue  of 
that  delicious  tree :  for  I  was  created  only  in  a  brutal  sta- 
tion, without  consciousness  of  mind,  or  the  use  of  my  tongue ; 
until,  being  on  my  thoughtless  ramble  yesterday,  I  chanced 
to  espy  this  amazing  tree,  whose  fruit  hangs  in  such  luxu- 
riance. After  a  short  pause,  such  as  a  brute  may  be  capa- 
ble of,  I  climbed  up  the  tree,  and  began  to  feast  on  the  most 
delicious  fruit  that  ever  was  eaten.  Joyful  at  my  happy 
fate,  I  soon  became  sensible  of  a  self-conscious  mind,  capa- 
ble of  discerning  between  good  and  evil.  Soon  my  tongue, 
which  before  cleaved  to  tiie  roof  of  my  mouth,  was  untied, 
and  I  could  express  sentiments  of  joy  in  the  most  rational 
manner.  And  now,  when  I  met  with  you,  I  was  going  to 
2«new  my  repast  on  the  fruit  of  that  sovereign  tree." 

AvARa  Oh,  Fastosus !  The  most  subtle  scheme  that  ever 
Q2 


78  DIALOGUES 

was  heard  of!  Well,  this  may  be  spoken  to  the  honor  of 
Beelzebub,  when  I  am  dead  and  gone. 

Fastosus.  Well,  but  Satan  did  not  then  know  of  the 
happy  consequences  that  have  since  arisen  from  this  affair, 
to  some  part  of  the  human  race.  However,  having  laid  his 
snare  with  all  the  subtilty  he  was  master  of,  he  thought  it 
well  to  assault  the  pure  mind  of  Eve  with  unbelief.*  He 
asked  her,  if  the  reason  why  she  was  so  divinely  beautiful, 
was  not  her  feeding  often  upon  the  fruit  of  that  so  sovereign 
a  tree!  The  woman  answered,  "No,  we  have  never  so 
much  as  once  tasted  of  it,  but  invariably  observed  the  com- 
mand of  our  Creator,  who  hath  put  us  into  this  garden,  and 
said  unto  us.  Of  every  tree  of  the  garden  ye  may  freely 
eat,  but  the  fruit  of  the  tree  of  knowledge  of  good  and 
evil,  ye  may  not  eat ;  for  in  the  day  ye  eat  thereof  ye 
shall  surely  die."  .  To  whom  the  serpent.  "  Indeed !  Did 
he  really  say  so  'i  Are  you  not  mistaken,  think  you  ]  Die 
too !  Why  am  not  I  dead  then,  I  who  have  eaten  of  it  so 
plenteously  1  No,  no,  you  shall  not  die.  That  is  only  an 
empty  threatening,  to  keep  you  in  subjection  to  him ;  for  he 
very  well  knows,  that  the  moment  you  eat  thereof,  you  shall 
be  like  himself,  knowing  good  and  evil ;  no  longer  be  man 
and  woman,  but  become  gods." 

The  woman  replied,  "  Ay,  but  my  pretty  creature,  how 
shall  I  know  that  I  shall  be  a  goddess,  if  I  should  venture 
to  eat  of  that  desirable  fruit  1"  "Know!  said  the  serpent; 
you  may  easily  know  it,  if  you  consider  that,  if  I,  who  was 
created  only  a  brute  beast,  am  by  eating  the  fruit  of  this 
tree,  exalted  to  humanity,  you,  who  are  more  than  half  a 
God  already,  shall  certainly,  by  so  doing,  be  exalted  to  real 
divinity."  With  these  words  he  injected  into  her  bosom 
some  seeds  of  my  nature,  which  fermented  to  that  degree, 
that  nothing  would  now  serve  her  turn  but  to  be  deified. 
Sagacious  Beelzebub,  perceiving  the  uproar  I  had  made  in 
her  mind,  introduced  all  the  train  of  real  vices,  which  now 
infect  the  human  species ;  subjected  her  wholly  to  his  sway; 
and  she,  as  his  instrument,  could  have  no  rest  until  she  got 
her  husband's  neck  also  fast  in  Beelzebub's  yoke. 

Thus  was  pride  first  mtroduced  into  the  terrene  creation  ; 
and  thus  was  man  subjected  to  my  powerful  sway.     Being 

-  *  See  p.  38, 


OF    DEVILS.  79 

brought  forth  in  the  heart  of  man,  I  arrived  instantly  at  full 
growth ;  involved  them  in  sorrow ;  enveloped  them  in  blind- 
ness and  ignorance  ;  and  instead  of  that  happiness  and  dig- 
nity which  Beelzebub  had  promised  them,  of  becoming  gods, 
I  brought  forth  in  them  trusty  Shame,  the  elder  bom  of  my 
earthly  family,  and  he,  as  a  spirit  of  great  power,  made 
Adam  and  Eve  fly  to  a  thicket,  to  hide  themselves  from  the 
presence  of  an  offended  God.  Instead  of  becoming  gods,  I 
transformed  them  into  the  image  and  likeness  of  father 
Beelzebub,  in  which  image  they  begat  and  brought  forth 
their  children.  It  was  now  tliat  I  begat  the  lovely  Dis- 
cordans ;  to  us  the  more  lovely  because  he  is  anti-natural. 
No  sooner  was  he  born,  but  he  sounded  a  trumpet,  and  cried, 
"  To  arms !  to  arms !"  Then  you  might  have  seen  the  rhino- 
ceros and  elephant,  the  eagle  and  dragon,  the  lion,  panther, 
and  wolf,  appear  in  all  the  fury  of  martial  spirit,  and  pro- 
claim an  eternal  war  against  one  another :  nor  were  Adam 
and  Eve  exempted  from  domestic  uneasiness  themselves. 

AvARO.  All  this  worked  just  as  the  devil  would  have  it ; 
and  greatly  enlarged  the  territories  of  hell,  by  annexing 
earth  to  the  infernal  crown.  Well,  uncle,  I  perceive,  by 
your  account,  that  you  are  the  father  of  sin,  in  the  mind  of 
both  angels  and  men. 

Fastosus.  True,  Avaro,  I  am ;  and  so  w^ell  is  my  power 
established,  that  I  am  the  very  last  that  shall  be  subdued, 
and  rooted  out  of  the  hearts,  even  of  those  that  hate  me, 
and  who  at  last  shall  be  delivered  from  my  yoke.  This  is 
true,  cousin,  whether  you  believe  it  or  not;  and  I  assure 
you,  that  I  have  the  pleasure  of  giving  many  a  painful  heart- 
pang,  even  to  those  who  curse  my  name  and  nature.  But 
to  my  story,  cousin.  I  manifested  my  powerful  sway  over 
man,  in  the  case  of  my  faithful  servant  Cain ;  not  only  in 
his  bloody  revenge  against  his  brother  Abel,  who  had  re- 
volted from  our  government,  but  in  making  him  despair  un- 
der his  punishment. 

I  triumphed  gloriously  over  the  inhabitants  of  the  ante- 
diluvian world,  who,  for  my  sake,  scorned  to  submit  to  the 
commandments  of  God,  resolving  to  be  guided  by  the 
thoughts  of  their  own  hearts,  all  of  which  were  inspired 
by  me;  therefore  every  thought  and  imagination  of  the 
heart  was  only  evil  continually.  I  wrought  them  up  to  such 
a  degree  of  rebellion,  that  the  Almighty  resolved  to  bear 


80  DIALOGUES 

with  them  no  longer,  but  to  sweep  them  away  with  the  be- 
som of  destruction  ;  yet  he  would  not  do  it  without  giving 
them  proper  warning,  and  calling  them  to  repentance  and 
reformation.  One  Noah,  a  famous  preacher  of  righteous- 
ness, was  the  instrument  raised  up,  on  this  occasion ;  and  to 
be  sure  the  man  preached  faithfully  and  fervently :  but  I 
had  the  pleasure  of  hardening  the  people's  hearts  to  that 
degree,  that  he  met  with  nothing  but  abuse  for  his  pains. 
Every  body  accounted  him  to  be  a  frantic  enthusiast,  fanatic, 
or  Methodist ;  until  the  divine  patience  was  quite  worn  out, 
and  their  destruction  came  upon  them  by  a  deluge,  which 
swept  them  all  from  the  face  of  the  earth,  except  this  same 
Noah  and  his  family ;  and  for  my  part  I  do  not  remember 
a  time,  on  which  hell  had  so  many  visitants  at  once  as  then. 

AvARO.  But  how  could  Noah  and  his  family  be  saved, 
when  the  deluge  came  upon  all  the  earth  1 

Fastosus.  Why,  Avaro,  it  was  by  the  help  of  a  ship, 
which  he  was  taught  to  build.  For  this  same  Noah  was  the 
first  ship-carpenter  in  the  world ;  and  although  a  prince,  he 
was  not  above  laboring  with  his  hands.  But  it  galls  me  to 
think  how  the  Almighty  mixes  mercy  with  judgment ;  for 
in  this  destruction,  which  he  brought  upon  the  old  world, 
he  taught  the  new  world  the  most  necessary  and  useful  art 
of  navigation,  by  means  of  which  he  will  spread  the  know- 
ledge of  himself  over  all  the  earth. 

After  this  I  set  up  my  lofty  standard  on  the  plains  of 
Shinar.  Multitudes  flocked  to  it,  and  became  my  humble 
servants.  It  was  now  I  projected  a  scheme  of  erecting  a 
tower,  equal  in  altitude  to  Jacob's  ladder.  Two  special  ad- 
■  vantages,  I  alleged  to  them,  would  accrue  from  it  when  fin- 
ished. The  first,  to  perpetuate  their  name  to  the  latest  pos- 
terity. The  second  and  greatest  advantage  would  be,  that 
thereby  they  might  bid  defiance  to  the  Almighty.  Such 
provision  being  made  for  their  safety,  that,  on  the  first  ap- 
pearances of  judgment  begun,  they  might  retire  to  the 
tower,  where  the  waters  could  not  follow  them.  But  here, 
you  may  observe,  I  played  the  devil  with  the  children  of 
men ;  for  although  I  flattered  them  with  such  advantages,  I 
believed  in  my  heart  that  such  a  presumptuous,  daring  un- 
dertaking, would  have  provoked  the  Almighty  utterly  to 
have  destroyed  them  root  and  branch.  And,  indeed,  at  one 
time  I  thought  I  had  gained  my  point ;  for  he  did  come  down 


OF   DEVILS.  81 

and  confound  their  language,  in  such  a  manner  that  the 
great  design  miscarried.  It  was  diverting  to  hear  the  brick- 
layer call  for  mortar,  and,  Lo !  a  box  of  brick  was  brought 
him.  •  Another  calls  for  bricks,  and  the  server  runs  for  a 
board  of  mortar.  One  calls  out  for  a  level,  and  he  receives 
a  plumb-line.  Another  asks  for  a  square,  and  a  level  is  brought 
him.  The  bricklayers,  provoked  to  see  themselves  mocked 
by  their  servants,  not  as  yet  knowing  their  language  to  be 
confounded,  began  to  lay  their  resentment  upon  the  bones 
of  their  laborers ;  and  the  laborers,  considering  themselves 
as  very  ill  used,  returned  the  abuse  upon  the  builders ;  and 
thus  they  quarrelled  and  bickered,  until  they  were  fain  to 
leave  off  the  work,  and  betake  themselves  to  other  employ- 
ments. 

But,  alas !  cousin,  in  this  affair  the  devil  was  outwitted ; 
for  we  all  thought  that  this  haughty  attempt  would  have 
provoked  God  utterly  to  destroy  them.  But  he  made  use 
of  our  project  only  to  send  them  abroad  to  people  the  earth, 
the  more  widely  to  make  his  glories  known.  And  to  the 
deep  mortification  of  all  our  black  fraternity,  especially 
father  Beelzebub,  upon  the  ruins  of  the  tower  was  \vritten, 
in  everlasting  characters,  the  following  motto :  "  Here  the 
devil  overshot  himself."  But  this  was  a  trifling  disappoint- 
ment in  comparison  of  many  others,  some  of  which  I  may 
perhaps  give  you  an  account  of. 

Wherever  the  sons  of  Noah  went,  I  went  along  with 
them ;  and  not  a  great  number  of  years  had  the  earth  been 
dry,  before  I  persuaded  them  to  forge,  found,  and  carve  to 
tliemselves  objects  of  religious  adoration,  more  agreeable  to 
their  fancy,  than  ^e  God  who  made  them.  And  by  this 
means  it  was,  that  pagan  idolatry  was  introduced,  which, 
strictly  speaking,  is  the  religion  of  pride  alone ;  even  as  the 
present  Roman  Catholic  religion  is  that  of  pride  and  covet- 
ousness. 

I  will  tell  you  strange  thmgs,  of  my  government,  Avaro, 
at  a  time  convenient ;  but  as  we  were  coming  along,  you 
mentioned  somewhat  about  the  clergy  of  France.  Pray, 
what  of  them,  cousin? 

AvARO.  I  have  often,  sir,  made  honorable  mention  of  the 
dutiful  disposition  of  my  dear  children,  the  French  parsons. 
But  I  had,  some  years  ago,  occasion  to  try  an  experiment, 
which  greatly  quickened  their  devotion,  and  clothed  the 


82  DIALOGUES 

face  of  all  the  country  with  poignant  sorrow.  By  their  UIV' 
wearied  pursuit  of  the  interest  of  the  church,  that  is  to  say, 
by  their  coaxing,  wheedlmg,  and  threatening  of  people,  out 
of  their  goods  and  chattels,  for  the  benefit  of  the  clergy,  they 
were  grown  so  fat  and  purse-proud,  they  were  not  able  to 
say  half  of  the  masses  they  were  paid  for,  nor  to  attend 
upon  the  duties  of  their  pretended  devotion ;  wliich,  persist- 
ing in,  they  themselves  would  have  contributed  to  the  open- 
ing of  people's  eyes  to  discover  the  cheat. 

I  imagined  that  nothing  could  be  more  suitable,  than 
physic,  to  purge  off  some  of  their  grossness.  I  went  straight 
to  Versailles,  demanded  an  interview  with  the  most  Chris- 
tian Louis,  and  accordingly  was  introduced  by  one  of  the 
lords  of  his  bed-chamber.  As  soon  as  he  had  done  me 
greeting  after  the  royal  manner,  proportionable  to  his  very 
great  esteem  for  me,  I  opened  the  conversation  in  the  follow- 
ing manner :  "  My  royal  friend,  said  I,  perceiving  that  you 
have  been  ransacking  the  world  lately,  in  quest  of  gold,  to 
supply  your  pressing  and  growmg  wants,  I  am  come  to  in- 
form you  where  you  may  meet  with  store  of  moidores,  yea, 
treasures  in  abundance,  without  travellmg  out  of  your  own 
dominions."  "  Is  it  possible .'  said  he.  I  pray  thee,  lovely 
spirit,  where  are  the  golden  heaps  to  be  found  1"  I  replied, 
"  The  clergy,  the  clergy,  sir,  are  so  overgrown  in  riches, 
tJiat  they  are  hardly  able  to  say  an  hospitable  mass  for  the 
dead,  or  even  to  go  about  to  cheat  and  defraud  people  out  of 
their  money  and  souls  as  heretofore."  "  Ungrateful  villains, 
said  he,  to  hoard  up  their  money  to  lie  by  them  useless,  when 
I,  their  king,  am  just  at  the  point  of  becoming  bankrupt.  I 
will  ease  them  of  their  burden,  I  warrtnt  you.  I  will  let 
them  for  once  know,  that  they  have  cmother  master  besides 
the  pope,  and  leave  it  to  them  to  replace  their  stores  the 
nearest  way  they  can."  I  was  not  afraid  but  my  scheme 
would  work  to  my  mind ;  for  I  took  him  at  the  very  nick  of 
time,  when  the  king  of  England  had  emptied  his  coffers,  by 
destroying  his  naval  force  and  trade ;  and,  poor  gentleman, 
he  knew  not  well  how  to  fill  them  again. 

Glad  of  such  an  opportunity,  he  assembled  the  heads  of 
the  clergy,  and  demanded  of  them  an  exorbitant  sum,  in  the 
way  of  a  free  gift.  A  very  genteel  way  of  robbing  the 
church  indeed  !  The  holy  govvoismen,  like  dear  children  of 
their  good  Avaro,  showed  themselves  as  tenacious  of  their 


Oi<  DEVILS.  83 

gold  as  the  paw  of  a  lion  is  of  its  prey.  They  used  every 
argument  which  priestly  subtilty  could  invent ;  they  lugged 
in  both  heaven  and  earth  as  protectors  of  their  property. 
Yea,  they  even  told  him  that  to  command  them  to  part  with 
their  money,  was  no  less  than  robbing  the  Almighty;  just 
as  if  the  Almighty  and  them  were  partners  in  the  trade  of 
priestcraft.  But  clergymen  have  the  advantage  of  all 
princes,  in  that  their  cause  is  always  the  cause  of  God ;  al- 
though God  has,  in  reality,  nothing  to  do  with  them  or  it. 
They  held  both  with  teeth  and  hands,  rather  than  generously 
to  assist  their  sovereign,  though  now  become  almost  insol- 
vent. But  you  know  the  proverb,  "The  weaker  goes  to 
the  wall."  And  so  it  was  with  them.  He,  being  strongei 
than  they,  prevailed ;  and,  although  their  money  came  from 
their  coffers  like  blood  from  their  liearts,  they  were  obliged 
to  comply.  But  I"  can  assure  you,  the  parting  with  it  cost 
them  more  real  distress  of  soul,  than  ever  the  selling  of  their 
consciences  to  obtain  it  had  done.  The  sorrow  of  the  priests 
is,  for  the  most  part,  a  farce ;  but  their  sorrow  on  this  occa- 
sion, was  deep  and  unfeigned. 

It  was  not  a  great  while  after,  that  moidores  failed  a  sec- 
ond time,  and  other  resources  being  drained,  he  again  had 
recourse  to  the  sons  of  the  clergy ;  and  did  by  them  as  they 
commonly  do  by  the  laity,  I  mean,  their  money  being  gone, 
he  was  content  with  stripping  them  of  their  plate  ;  so  that 
were  you  now  to  see  the  cabinet  of  a  French  priest,  you 
would  find  it  as  empty  of  plate  as  Glaud  the  shepherd's 
pantry.  And  I  am  of  opinion  that  Louis,  having  once  found 
the  way  to  their  nest,  he  will  take  care  they  be  no  more 
overgrown  in  riches.  But  to  repair  their  late  losses,  they 
can  now  look  out  for  a  prey,  with  as  much  penetration  as  an 
eagle,  and  are  as  rapid  as  a  panther  in  seizing  on  it. 

Fastosus.  It  is  my  opinion,  cousin,  that,  if  princes  were 
to  take  care  that  the  church  should  not  become  too  rich, 
there  would  not  be  so  many  religions  as  there  are.  But 
who  would  not  be  a  priest  or  a  nun,  when  they  may  roll 
amidst  the  blessings  of  both  worlds,  and  under  the  pretence 
of  religious  retirement,  enjoy  every  thing  grateful  to  the 
flesh,  in  the  greatest  luxuriance,  without  any  labor  or  toil 
of  their  own  ]  I  assure  you,  cousin,  if  I  were  not  a  devil,  I 
would  choose  to  be  a  priest  myself. 

AvARO.    Being  a  priest  is  not  such  a  great  privilege  now 


84  DIALOGUES 

as  it  has  been ;  though  it  is  still  preferable  to  any  trade  of 
the  lay  kind.  The  expulsion  of  the  Jesuits  has  been  very 
injurious  to  priestcraft.  The  church  is  sure  to  thrive  in  the 
reign  of  a  prince,  who  is  under  the  direction  of  a  Jesuitical 
confessor ;  and  the  priesthood  will  always  find  in  him  a 
powerful  protector.  But  I  fear  much  that  the  princes  of 
Europe,  from  their  late  advances,  will  at  last  throw  off  the 
yoke  of  ecclesiastical  tyranny. 

Fastosus.  In  fact,  cousm,  it  is  not  a  little  strange,  that 
they  have  not  done  it  ere  now.  Nothing  can  be  more 
preposterous,  than  for  a  prince  who  hath  sovereign  sway 
over  extensive  dominions,  to  be  under  the  control  of  an  arro- 
gant priest,  as  if  it  were  by  him  that  kings  reign  and  princes 
decree  judgment ;  or  as  if  he  were  the  prince  of  the  kings 
of  the  earth. 

However,  cousin,  you  forget  that  it  is  time  for  us  to  go 
on  our  nocturnal  circuits.  Mine  is  very  extensive ;  I  must, 
therefore,  bid  you  adieu.  To-morrow  morning  let  us  meet 
here. 


DIALOGUE  Vn. 

INFIDELIS   AND   IMPIATOR. 

From  what  I  had  heard  and  seen,  you  may  think  I  took 
care  not  to  be  too  late,  in  attending  the  sable  gentry  in  Hor- 
rida  Vallis,  where  I  was  hid  before  any  of  them  arrived,  and 
prepared  for  taking  down  their  discourse ;  the  first  of  which, 
that  I  heard,  was  by  Infidelis  to  Impiator. 

Infidelis.  How  illustrious  is  thy  throne !  How  extensive 
are  thy  dominions !  Oh,  great  Impiator,  my  son !  Before  you, 
the  greatest  grandees  of  the  earth  do  bow.  Will  you  please, 
my  son,  to  finish  your  account  of  the  remaining  part  of  your 
territories  1 

Impiator.  I  will,  sir.  And  you  may  observe  that  the  fifth 
canton  is  that  of  the  adulterers  and  fornicators.  These  are 
divided  into  literal  and  mystical.  The  class  of  literal  adul- 
terers and  fornicators  are  so  fashionable  and  notorious  a  peo- 
ple, that  a  description  of  them  seems  unnecessary ;  and  so 
very  disagreeable,  that  it  would  be  offensive  to  you.   I  shall 


OF    DEVILS.  85 

therefore  do  no  more  than  describe  their  dwelling,  and  as- 
sure you,  sire,  that  every  individual  of  them  is  a  very  hum- 
ble servant  to  your  son  Impiator.  Their  dwelling  is  on  the 
banks  of  a  river,  the  source  of  which  is  in  the  court,  which 
runs  through  every  part  of  the  king's  dominions,  carrying 
the  inhabitants  along  with  it ;  and  at  last  disembogues  itself 
into  hell,  where  all  adulterers  and  fornicators  shall  infallibly 
be  tormented,  as  a  proper  counterbalance  for  their  lleshly 
pleasures ;  where,  instead  of  women,  they  shall  have  devils ; 
instead  of  wine,  the  sulphurous  liquid ;  and  instead  of  beds 
of  down,  the  boisterous  billows  of  Phlegethon. 

Next  to  them  are  the  mystical  adulterers  and  fornicators. 
By  whom  I  mean  all  that  have  any  commerce  with  the  whore 
of  Rome,  that  old  bawd  with  the  scarlet  gown  :  or,  in  other 
words,  all  who  have  the  mark  of  the  beast,  either  on  their 
foreheads,  or  their  right  hands,  and  such  who  have  this  mark 
upon  both. 

By  those  who  have  the  mark  of  the  beast  upon  their  fore- 
heads, I  mean  the  worthy  preachers  and  hearers  of  the  Ar- 
menian doctrine  of  the  church  of  Rome ;  as  also  the  strait- 
hooped  gentlemen,  who  believe  with  the  charitable  Italians, 
that  there  can  be  no  true  faith  but  that  which  they  profess, 
nor  salvation  but  in  their  community.  The  far  greater  part 
of  the  clergy  belong  to  the  former,  and  the  good  Sandema- 
nians  belong  to  the  latter  class  of  doctrinal  priests,  or  mys- 
tical adulterers. 

By  those  who  have  the  mark  of  the  beast  upon  their  right 
hand,  I  mean  the  practical  papists,  the  whole  bulk  of  the 
holy  Catholic  church  ;  and  besides  them,  all  that  do  the  works 
of  the  beast,  after  the  example  of  that  orthodox  church.  By 
the  works  of  the  beast  some  understand  every  part  of  re- 
ligion, which  is  not  founded  upon  scripture  institution.  Such, 
say  they,  are  consecrating  of  churches,  and  baptizing  of  bells ; 
dedication  of  meeting-houses  to  certain  saints  or  angels,  as 
the  patrons  of  parishes ;  the  worshipping  of  saints  and  angels, 
by  celebrating  an  annual  festival  in  honor  of  their  name ; 
such  are  your  observers  of  high  festivals,  abstinences  from 
meat  at  certain  seasons  of  the  year ;  worshipping  towards  the 
east,  as  if  God  were  not  everywhere  present;  bowing  at  the 
name  of  Jesus,  as  if  it  was  more  august  than  that  of  Jeho- 
vah, &c.  Such,  sir,  with  many  more  whom  I  might  name, 
are  the  mystical  adulterers  and  fornicators. 
H 


86  DIALOGUES 

Infidelis.  Ay,  but  my  son,  you  have  not  told  me  which 
are  the  fornicators,  and  which  the  adulterers.  I  want  to 
hear  that ;  for  the  one  is  usually  distinguished  from  the  other, 

Impiator.  Yes,  sir,  they  are  distinguishable  enough ;  for 
the  practical  professed  papists,  who  profess  not  the  least  de- 
gree of  relation  to  Jesus  Christ,  as  the  head  of  the  Christian 
church ;  but  own  themselves  to  be  the  adorers  of  the  whore, 
who  sits  on  many  waters,  are  held  to  be  the  fornicators ; 
whereas  nominal  Protestants  profess  themselves  married  to 
Jesus  Christ,  as  the  great  head  of  the  Christian  church,  and 
notwithstanding  this  pretended  marriage  with  him,  maintain 
a  doctrinal  commerce  with  the  whore  of  Rome ;  on  which 
account  they  are  to  be  held  as  the  adulterers. 

The  sixth  canton  is  the  murderers'  habitation,  which  is 
divided  into  two  grand  divisions.  In  the  first  are  murderers 
of  others.  These  are  subdivided  into  petty  cantons.  In  the 
first  of  which  live  the  mental  murderers,  just  upon  the  fron- 
tiers of  the  country.  They  are  a  people  who,  without  just 
cause,  are  angry  with  their  neighbors.  This  lambent  flame 
they  inwardly  cherish,  until  revenge  is  begotten  along  with 
hatred,  envy,  and  malice.  With  them,  therefore,  nothing 
is  wanting  but  opportunity  to  destroy  the  reputation  and  life 
of  the  object  of  their  hatred,  with  safety  to  themselves ;  but 
very  often  it  happens  tliat  their  hatred  and  revenge  destroy 
their  subjects  ere  they  have  an  opportunity  of  avenging  them- 
selves. The  verbal  murderers  live  next  to  them,  in  a  very 
spacious  country,  because  they  are  very  numerous.  By  the 
verbal  murderers  I  mean  those  who  vvithhold  from  the  char- 
acter of  others  the  good  which  they  do  deserve,  and  speak 
of  them  the  evil  which  they  do  not  deserve,  or  even  the  evil 
which  they  do  deserve,  in  a  way  in  which  they  would  not 
wish  others  to  speak  of  themselves,  in  like  circumstance.  I 
attend,  for  my  part,  in  many  companies,  where  the  conver- 
sation cannot  possibly  be  supported  for  a  quarter  of  an  hour, 
but  at  the  expense  of  some  absent  acquaintance.  And  so 
fashionable  is  this  in  polite  life,  that  it  is  become  a  proverb, 
"  That  scandal  is  the  very  life  and  soul  of  conversation." 
To  this  petty  canton  belong  all  talebearers,  backbiters,  rail- 
>  ers,  evil  surmisers,  and  particularly  the  very  obliging  gentry, 
who  tack  but  to  the  end  of  all  their  encomiums  on  others; 
as,  "  He  is  a  good  sort  of  a  gentleman,  but — "  or,  "  She  is  an 
agreeable  lady  enough,  but — "  where  you  may  observe  that 


OF    DEVILS.  87 

little  unintelligible  word  but,  stabs  the  gentleman  and  lady's 
reputation  through  and  tlirough. 

Having  passed  through  tiiis,  you  come  into  the  country 
jof  those  who  murder  with  their  "looks.  In  tiiis  country  you 
may  see  an  eye  to  curse  a  man  to  hell  and  damnation,  and 
.an  eyebrow  call  a  man  a  scoundrel,  and  knock  him  down. 
The  Rev.  Mr.  Adam  Gib,  primate  of  the  associate  synod  in 
Scotland,  has  lately  had  his  heart  wounded  so  deeply,  by  the 
looks  of  some  of  his  elders,  that  it  is  thought  he  cannot  re- 
liever the  stroke  as  long  as  he  lives :  but,  for  the  good  of  the 
public,  he  hath  prosecuted  them  before  the  presbytery,  who, 
without  inquiring  into  facts,  sentenced  the  reputation  of  the 
irreverend  elders  to  be  hanged,  drawn,  and  quartered,  to  the 
great  consolation  of  the  pious  sufferer.  As  soon  as  you  get 
out  of  this  country,  )K)U  come, 

Fourthly,  into  a  very  extensive  jriain,  inhabited  by  what 
may  be  called  domestic  murderers ;  a  set  of  beings  who  mur- 
der without  impunity,  no  suitable  laws  being  provided  against 
them. 

Here  dw^ells  the  parent,  who  spends  wastefully  what 
fihould  regularly  support  his  family,  so  that  his  children  are 
-brought  up  in  the  most  dissolute  and  irreligious  manner,  as 
a  preparative  to  the  most  vicious  practices :  hence,  whether 
the  children  prove  virtuous  or  vicious,  strict  equity  ac- 
-counts  the  profuse  and  careless  parent  the  murderer.  Near 
to  those  murderous  parents  lives  the  lascivious  husband,  who 
estrangeth  himself  from  his  lawful  consort,  and  frequenteth 
-the  company  of  lewd  women.  Many  you  may  find  here, 
who,  as  the  very  worst  of  felons,  rob  their  wives  and  chil- 
dren of  their  legal  property,  to  support  the  most  infamous 
strumpets,  who,  like  the  horseleech,  are  continually  saying, 
Give,  give.  Such  men  are  sure  to  find  the  truth  of  that  say- 
ing, "  A  whore  is  a  deep  ditch."  Here  it  is  a  very  common 
tiling  to  see  the  most  virtuous  women,  so  ill  used  by  their 
murderous  husbands,  that  they  languish  and  grieve  under 
their  affliction,  until  at  last  they  die  of  a  broken  heart.  No 
•assassin  ever  better  deserved  the  gallows,  than  such  hus- 
bands ;  for  no  assassin  ever  put  the  person  whom  he  mur- 
dered to  equal  torture.  The  very  same  may  be  said  of  the 
lascivious  strumpet,  of  high  or  low  degree,  who  is  false  to 
her  husband. 


88  DIALOGUES 

Among  domestic  murderers  live  the  parents,  who,  for  the 
sake  of  an  agreeable  settlement,  oblige  their  children  to 
marry  with  persons,  whom  they  cannot  possibly  love.  This 
lays  a  sure  foundation  for  certain  murder,  and  brings  the 
party  to  the  grave  in  the  most  distressijig  manner. 

But  if  covetous  parents  would  only  consider,  that  a  com- 
pelled marriage  is  worse  than  a  poisoned  dagger  plunged 
into  the  bosom  of  their  offspring,  they  would  certainly  have 
more  compassion  than  to  persist  in  the  iniquitous  measure. 
Here  likewise  live  those,  who  restram  their  children  from 
marrying  the  objects  of  their  choice,  merely  because  there 
is  a  deficiency  of  a  few  hundreds,  or  thousands,  in  the  for- 
Ume.  Parents  who  can  relish  nothing  but  money,  and  have 
a  wrong  notion  of  honor,  make  no  scruple  of  conscience,  to 
render  their  children  miserable  all  their  days,  rather  than 
suffer  them  to  marry  a  degree  and  a  half  below  themselves. 
It  is  very  strange,  that  the  laws  of  nations  should  make  no 
provision  against  this  murder ;  and  stranger  still,  that  those 
of  Britain  countenance  and  encourage  it. 

However,  marriages  are  seldom  happy,  where  the  affec- 
tions are  not  joined,  prior  to  the  matrimonial  ceremony. 
Money  may  unite  the  persons,  but  it  cannot  unite  the  affec- 
tions, as  appears  in  numberless  instances :  of  which  discon- 
solate, dull,  and  heavy  husbands,  broken-hearted  wives, 
fi*equent  divorces,  elopements,  domestic  quarrels,  and  di- 
vided families,  the  natural  effect  of  forced  marriages,  are 
evidences. 

There  is  yet  another  species  of  domestic  murderers,  con- 
nived at  by  the  law.  They  are  such  who  not  only  train  up 
their  children  in  idleness,  but  in  luxury  and  wantonness. 
By  these  means  their  spendthrift  sons,  if  of  high  birth,  are 
fitted  to  become  robbers  of  the  nation,  when  their  own  for- 
tunes are  spent;  and  if  of  middle  life,  they  are  fitted  for  the 
highway,  and  consequently  for  the  halter.  Nor  is  this  method 
of  training  up  less  fatal  in  its  influence  on  the  female  sex ; 
for  it  prepares  them  for  the  stews,  or  the  suburbs  of  the 
stews,  where  gentlemen's  courtesans  dwell,  perhaps  for  thefl 
and  then  for  the  gallows.  Idleness  and  luxury  are  as  rank 
poison  to  the  mind,  as  arsenic  is  to  the  body.  Many  people, 
indeed,  lament  the  young  gentleman's  unhappy  fate,  when 
he  is  going  to  Tyburn ;  but  very  few  censure  his  parents, 
as  the  first  cause  of  his  untimely  end,  by  the  manner  in 


OF    DEVILS.  89 

which  they  brought  liim  up.  This  is  some  comfort  to  us, 
however,  that  though  such  domestic  murderers  act  with  im- 
punity from  man,  the  law  of  God  will  take  such  notice  of 
them  as  to  bring  them  to  hell,  if  their  crimes  are  not  repent- 
ed of  To  be  sure  it  would  be  more  agreeable  to  us,  to  see 
Ihem  enter  hell  by  way  of  Tyburn :  but  the  devil  cannot 
always  have  his  will. 

Another  sort  are  very  careful  to  preserve  the  bodies  of 
their  children,  by  providing  diligently  for  them  the  neces- 
saries and  conveniences  of  life ;  as  they  grow  up,  are  very 
careful  to  preserve  them  from  the  highway  and  the  stews, 
by  putting  into  their  hands  a  business  by  which  to  obtain  a 
comfortable  livelihood ;  and,  after  all,  prove  the  murderers 
of  their  children.  For,  on  the  one  hand,  they  restrain  them 
not  from  bad  company,  which  leads  to  destruction ;  company 
that  corrupts  the  principles,  vitiates  the  conduct,  and  leads 
into  bad  practices,  such  as  sabbath-breaking,  gaming,  lying, 
swearing,  &c.  Nor  on  the  other  hand,  do  they  take  any 
pains  to  cultivate  their  infant  minds,  further  than  to  know 
how,  when,  and  to  whom,  they  should  make  a  genteel  bow, 
and  courtesy,  and  how  to  express  the  modish  compliments 
in  a  graceful  manner.  They  never  once  deem  it  neces- 
sary to  instil  into  their  minds  an  early  sense  of  religion  and 
virtue. 

Many  parents,  if  their  children  learn  a  little  polite  beha- 
vior, do  not  much  care  whether  they  read  the  Bible  at  all. 

In  this  country  too  dw^ell  duellers,  boxers,  boasters,  and 
provokers ;  all  the  bands  of  assassins,  and  intriguers  against 
men's  lives.  His  hoary  holiness  is  captain  general  of  this 
band,  and  his  cardinals  and  inquisitors  are  next  to  him  in 
honor.  Here  dwell  persecutors,  of  every  name,  popish, 
episcopal  or  presbyterian ;  all  who  impose  religion  on  men's 
consciences  by  the  power  of  the  sword. 

The  second  division  is  that  of  self-murderers ;  and  I  as- 
sure you,  sir,  this  is  a  very  populous  place,  more  crowded 
than  the  former.  Here  dwell  gluttons,  drunkards,  and  in- 
temperate persons  in  general ;  for  there  are  more  who  eat 
and  drmk  themselves  to  death,  than  the  fever,  the  consump- 
tion, and  the  sword  destroy.  Idle,  lazy,  and  slothful  persons, 
live  here,  under  the  character  of  second-hand  murderers ; 
their  idle  habits  introducing  diseases  of  the  most  fatal  na- 
tijre.  The  immoderately  careful,  also,  kill  themselves  with 
H2 


90  DIALOGUES 

mere  anxiety.  In  the  next  town  the  envious  are  stationed ; 
those  who  are  as  mortally  wounded,  by  the  prosperity  of 
their  neighbor,  as  any  man  can  be  by  a  dagger.  In  the 
suburbs  live  those  whom  we  call  the  impatient ;  for  trouble 
is  not  so  very  deathly  as  impatience  under  it.  Over  the 
bridge  live  the  ambitious,  a  people  of  lofty  views,  who 
crack  their  heart-strings  by  climbing.  In  the  neighborhood 
of  the  latter  live  the  lascivious,  who  kill  themselves  by  little 
and  little,  and  parboil  their  flesh  ere  they  present  it  to  the 
worms.  I  might  add  to  this  list  a  prodigious  number  be- 
sides, known  among  us  by  the  name  of  soul-murderers. 
But  as  I  was  never  remarkable  for  knowledge  in  casuistical 
divinity,  I  shall  leave  this  to  others,  and  proceed  to. 

The  seventh  and  royal  canton  of  drunkards ;  which  is  di- 
vided into  two  very  grand  divisions,  the  first  of  which  is 
inhabited  by  the  sot,  and  the  second  by  merry  companions. 
The  soaking  sots  are  a  well-seasoned  race,  who  seem  as  if 
some  of  their  ancestors  had  been  of  the  bristly  kind.  They 
are  a  swinish  set  of  people,  always  grunting,  but  when  their 
lips  are  in  the  cup ;  unless  it  may  be  that  the  calf  mounts 
them  in  the  morning,  and  rides  them  until  half  past  two, 
then  dismounts  just  in  the  middle  of  dinner,  and  the  eager 
swain  vaults  into  the  saddle,  and  rides  them  until  they  are 
lame.  The  ensign  of  the  sots'  division  is  a  long  tobacco- 
pipe,  and  greasy  fore-breasts  of  a  coat ;  and  if  any  man  have 
business  with  them,  he  would  do  well  to  wait  on  them  in 
the  morning,  before  the  calf  dismounts ;  for  after  that  they 
ean  do  nothing  but  grunt,  until  sleep  dismounts  the  pig 
again.  Thus  they  are  ridden  alternately  by  the  calf  and 
the  pig.  The  sots  drink  merely  for  the  sake  of  liquor ;  and 
in  process  of  time  their  blood  becomes  so  inflamed,  that 
they  carry  the  arms  of  their  company  upon  their  faces, 
which  are  dyed  into  a  kind  of  bastard  scarlet  color,  and 
grow  as  rough  as  the  skin  of  a  shark,  with  preternatural 
pimples. 

The  second  division  is  that  of  merry  companions,  or,  ac- 
cording to  men  of  learning,  good-fellows.  They  abhor  the 
name,  yet  love  the  practice  of  drunkards.  You  could  not 
afiront  them  worse,  than  by  telling  them  they  are  in  love 
with  the  landlady,  for  the  sake  of  her  liquor.  Were  you  to 
ask  them  their  reasons  for  frequenting  the  tavern,  they 
would  soon  tell  you,  that  it  is  not  for  any  love  they  have  to 


OF    DEVILS.  91 

the  liquor,  but  they  f^o  there  merely  for  the  sake  of  g-ood 
company.  By  the  w  ay,  sire,  they  go  to  tlie  wrong  place  to 
seek  for  it ;  for  no  good  company  haunts  taverns  and  ale- 
houses. Good  company  is  most  likely  to  be  found  in  good 
places;  but  taverns  and  ale-houses  are  quite  of  another 
cast,  being  public  portals,  tiirough  whicii  many  pass  to  the 
nether  regions.  Yea,  such  a  good  opinion  has  Beelzebub 
conceived  of  tliem,  t!iat  many  of  the  landladies,  and  their 
daughters,  are  appointed  his  factors  and  agents  upon  earth. 

It  is  the  practice  of  merry  companions  to  meet  at  the 
tavern,  or  some  other  place  of  public  resort,  as  many  even- 
ings in  the  week  as  business  will  admit  of,  to  read  and  ex- 
pound the  newspapers,  give  their  opinion  of  the  proceedings 
of  the  ministry,  of  commercial  transactions,  or  to  comment 
on  tlie  operations  of  war.  Sometimes  they  meet  to  play 
what  they  call  a  civil  game  of  cards,  backgammon,  &lc.  or 
it  may  be  to  reproach  some  neighboring  Presbyterian  par- 
son for  his  affected  sanctity :  for  you  must  know,  that  they 
not  only  hate  sanctity  itself,  but  its  very  appearance.  Often 
you  may  hear  them  deride  the  fanatic,  fur  what  they  call 
his  narrow  and  bigoted  spirit,  and,  at  the  same  time,  ap- 
plaud the  reverend  i\Ir,  Liveloose,  for  an  affabb,  free,  and 
generous  soul.  INIany  of  those  merry  companions,  who  will 
by  no  means-bear  the  name  of  drunkard,  I  can  pick  ycu  out, 
who  will  drink  a  bottle  or  two  at  a  sitting,  and  go  home  be- 
twixt one  and  two  in  the  morning,  with  eyes  as  fierce  as 
those  of  an  hyena. 

In  short,  sir,  if  you  Vv-ere  to  go  through  my  canton  of 
drunkards,  when  our  men  are  all  at  work,  you  would  hear 
a  great  noise  as  if  Vulcan  with  his  cyclops  were  there, 
hammering  thunderbolts  for  Jupiter.  And  wouLl  certainly 
imagine,  that  hell  had  burst  its  belly,  and  poured  out  its  en- 
trails amongst  us,  on  account  of  the  hideous  cursing,  swear- 
ing, damning,  singing,  scolding  and  bawling,  tearing  and 
fighting,  boasting,  lying,  cheatingr,  and  unclean  words,  looks, 
and  gestures,  which  there  abound.  This,  sir,  is  the  royal 
canton,  out  of  which  I  choose  all  my  principal  men ;  which- 
you  must  own  to  be  sound  policy ;  for  if  ever  I  can  get  a 
man  to  become  a  drunkard,  I  can  cause  him  to  commit 
what  wickedness  1  please ;  and  1  must  tell  you,  that  this 
canton  is  inhabited  by  men  of  all  ranks,  occupations,  and 
persuasions. 


92  DIALOGUES 

Thus,  reverend  father,  I  have  given  you  a  brief  account 
of  my  dominions ;  but  if  you  were  to  pass  through  the  seve- 
ral cantons,  and  see  them  all  yourself,  you  would  say,  that 
the  hundredth  part  has  not  been  told  you. 

Infidelis.  Oh,  my  child!  my  dear  Impiator,  how  my 
aged  heart  is  filled  with  joy,. on  hearing  your  pleasing  sto- 
ry !  Illustrious  indeed  is  the  kingdom  of  Profanity !  You 
honor  me,  my  son !  Your  success  does  great  honor  to  the 
name  of  Infidelis.  But,  I  pray,  do  you  know  any  thing  of  a 
set  of  people  whom  they  call  Nazarenes  ]  They  are  the 
only  people  in  the  world  who  have  cast  off  my  yoke.  Oh ! 
how  it  would  rejoice  me  to  hear  that  your  craftiness  had  en- 
gaged them  in  your  service ! 

Impiator.  I  know  them  very  well.  A  small  body  of  de- 
spised, precise  creatures,  hated  by  all  the  world.  I  assure 
you,  sir,  I  have  done  all  that  lies  in  my  power  to  bring  them 
under  our  dominion.  But  mortified  I  am  to  tell  you,  that  I 
have  never  been  able  to  conquer  one  of  them.  Immanuel 
hath  published  very  strict  laws  in  his  kingdom,  absolutely 
prohibiting  his  subjects  from  touching,  tasting,  or  handling 
any  thing  that  belongs  to  us,  or  so  much  as  visiting  our 
cantons ;  and  they  are  so  firmly  attached  to  his  government, 
that  it  is  with  the  greatest  difficulty,  now  and  then,  we  get 
one  of  them  down  into  our  mines.  But  when  such  a  thing 
does  happen,  my  subjects  have  a  good  day  of  feasting  and 
mirth ;  send  gifts  to  one  another,  of  such  things  as  they 
have ;  and  the  shouts  of  joy,  "  So  we  would  have  it,"  may 
he  heard  in  all  the  cantons  of  our  dominions. 

For  instance,  it  happened  once  that  Noah,  wlio  was,  in 
the  main,  an  utter  enemy  to  our  government,  was  induced 
to  make  a  visit  to  the  drunkard's  country,  which  caused 
much  gladness  tlirough  all  the  land.  The  triumphal  flag 
was  displayed  upon  the  tents  of  Ham,  wherever  the  news 
was  spread;  and  every  man  reported  to  his  neighbor,  say- 
ing, "  Behold,  he  is  become  like  one  of  us."  At  the  same 
time,  the  confederates  of  Shem  covered  themselves  with 
sackcloth,  put  ashes  on  their  heads,  exchanged  their  plea- 
sant songs  for  lamentations,  mourning,  and  woe ;  until  the 
patriarch  was  safely  returned  to  his  own  country  again. 

It  happened  also,  on  a  certain  time,  that  I  was  happy 
enough  to  inveigle  David  the  great,  witliin  the  borders  of 
the  adulterers'  canton ;  who,  to  cover  the  infamy  of  such  ajo 


OF    DEVILS.  93 

expedition,  rushed,  with  violent  precipitation,  into  the  very 
heart  of  the  canton  of  murderers.  The  monarch's  arrival 
was  soon  proclaimed  among  all  the  murderers  and  adulter- 
ers, who  made  a  grand  entertainment  on  the  occasion,  and 
invited  the  blasphemers  to  partake  with  them.  Oh !  Infi- 
delis,  if  you  were  there,  certainly  you  would  have  tired 
your  sides  with  laughmg,  to  see  how  they  footed  tlie  treble 
dance,  whilst  the  music  played,  "  The  best  of  them  are  as 
bad  as  ourselves."    And  all  joined  together  in  this  chorus — 

"  V\''hat  we  do  in  public,  they  do  in  private. 
The  difference  is  only  in  show." 

Then  they  clapped  their  hands,  and  shouted,  "  So,  ho !  brave 
boys.  Now  we  are  all  on  one  side.  The  man  after  God's 
own  heart  hath  joined  our  communion.  The  psalmist  of 
Israel  is  now  one  of  ourselves.  Hypocrites,  altogether,  wlw 
pretend  to  more  religion  than  others."  Thus,  sire,  from  the 
fall  of  one,  our  people  concluded  that  all  were  bad. 

The  like  fell  out  in  the  case  of  Peter,  the  apostle,  who, 
on  a  very  dark  night,  missing  his  way,  was  first  trapped  in 
the  liar's  snare,  and  then  in  the  swearer's  gin,  so  that  he 
denied  the  Lord  who  bought  him,  and  cursed  and  swore  that 
he  did  not  so  much  as  know  Jesus  of  Nazareth.  I  can  tell 
you,  when  such  a  thing  does  happen,  that  we  entrap  one  of 
tlie  Nazarenes,  it  greatly  increaseth  the  industry  of  my  sub- 
jects, and  bends  them  more  than  ever  mider  my  yoke.  In- 
deed, as  there  is  no  other  way  to  Zion,  but  v/hat  lies  di- 
rectly through  tlie  very  heart  of  my  dominions,  there  is  now 
and  then  one  of  them  tumbles  into  our  mines,  especially  in 
the  dark  and  long  nights  of  winter. 

Infidelis.  Now  and  then,  child  !  I  thought  you  had  often 
companies  of  them  at  once  in  your  dominions. 

Impiator.  No,  sir,  I  cannot  say  so.  I  will  tell  you  how 
the  mistake  happens.  We  frequently  have  companies  of 
those  who  are  called  Nazarenes,  it  is  true ;  but  then  the 
name  and  the  nature  are  two  dififerent  things  all  the  world 
over.  In  order  to  bring  true  Christianity  into  disgrace,  the 
great  and  wise  Beelzebub  stirs  up  some  of  our  country  peo- 
ple to  put  on  the  outward  habit  of  the  Nazarenes,  join  their 
company,  and  travel  with  them,  almost  to  the  borders  of 
the  kingdom  of  Profanity ;  but  not  one  of  them  can  be  per- 
suaded to  set  a  foot  out  of  their  o\\ti  country.  As  those  peo- 


94  DIALOGUES 

pie  pass  along  the  road,  in  their  own  country,  it  is  not  much 
to  be  wondered  at,  if  they  do  occasionally  try  their  hands 
at  their  old  employments.  But  as  for  the  real  Nazarenes,  I^ 
assure  you,  I  very  seldom  meet  with  one,  who  has  curiosity* 
so  much  as  to  view  our  land  as  he  passes  through  it.  Even 
when  our  subtle  emissaries  do  entrap  one,  let  me  and  my 
chivalry  do  what  we  can,  we  never  detain  him  beyond  a 
certaki  time ;  when  some  powerful  messenger  is  dispatched 
from  the  skies,  to  deliver  him  out  of  our  tenacious  hands. 
But  we  have  the  satisfaction  of  often  procuring  them  an 
hearty  drubbing,  so  that  many  of  them  go  halting  to  their 
grave.  I,  myself,  have  seen  Iramanuel  meet  them,  in  the 
very  midst  of  our  kingdom,  seize,  bind,  and  chastise  them, 
until  with  blurred  faces,  they  humbly  submitted  to  kiss  the 
rod,  and  heartily  blessed  God  that  ever  the  birch  tree  was 
planted. 

Infidelis.  Ay,  child,  they  are  made  to  kiss  the  rod,  that 
is  the  plague  of  it ;  for  then  they  bid  farewell  to  the  plea- 
sures of  profanity.  Oh !  were  it  but  possible  by  any  means 
to  harden  them  against  the  rod,  what  advantages  might  we 
reap  from  it !  Or,  indeed,  could  we,  as  I  have  often  strove 
to  do,  make  them  faint  under  it,  it  would  answer  the  same 
end.  But,  beyond  all  our  power  to  hinder,  Immanuel  does 
somehow,  along  with  the  stroke,  convey  sustaining  strength. 
Yea,  sometimes  even  makes  the  rod  itself,  in  some  respects, 
pleasant,  and  at  all  times  profitable  to  them.  Ah  !  my  son, 
we  shall  never  be  able  to  rob  him  of  one  of  his  own ;  for 
when  he  chastiseth  them  with  a  visible  hand,  he  sustaineth 
and  comforteth  them  with  a  hand  invisible. 

But  let  us  not  be  discouraged,  nor  yield  the  contest.  Let 
us  destroy  whom  we  can,  and  let  us  disturb  and  distract  the 
minds  of  those  whom  we  cannot  destroy.  Let  us  think  of 
the  great  Beelzebub,  what  achievements  he  is  daily  per- 
forming, notwithstanding  he  groans  in  the  yoke  of  eternal 
despair.  And  for  your  encouragement,  my  dear  Impiator, 
let  me  tell  you,  such  is  your  care  to  maintain  a  despotic 
sway  over  your  subjects,  and  such  is  their  attachment  to 
your  person  and  government,  that  both  you  and  they  may 
be  assured  of  warm  lodgings  in  the  palace  of  great  Beelze- 
bub, as  soon  as  this  world  ceaseth  to  be  the  stage  of  action. 

Impiator.  Yes,  sir,  such  is  the  flourishing  state  of  my 
Jiingdom  at  present ;  but  I  have  my  shocks  at  one  time  and 


OF   DEVILS.  95 

another.  It  is  but  a  few  years  since  I  was  terribly  afraid, 
lest  I  should  have  lost  my  British  subjects. 

Infidelis.  Lost  your  British  subjects,  my  son !  Who,  or 
what  is  he,  who  dared  to  attempt  any  thing  against  the 
great  Profanity  ? 

Impiator.  Ah  !  sire,  a  powerful  enemy ;  no  less  a  person 
than- George  III.  He  was  an  enemy  to  my  powerful  sway 
when  he  was  only  prince  of  Wales ;  and  as  soon  as  he  as- 
cended the  throne,  he  more  openly  showed  his  dislike  to 
me ;  published  an  edict  for  banishing  me  from  his  domin- 
ions ;  enjoined  his  officers  to  apprehend  me  wherever  I  was 
to  be  found ;  and,  under  the  penalty  of  his  displeasure,  pro- 
hibited his  subjects  from  entertaining  me  at  any  time,  espe- 
cially upon  the  sabbath-day ;  a  day  on  which  I  am  used  to 
get  above  double  business  done  for  Beelzebub.  Had  I  not 
been  well  befriended  by  the  British  nobility,  as  well  as  by 
the  commons  of  the  land,  bad  days  had  come  upon  me ;  for 
what  will  not  precept,  enforced  by  example,  be  able  to  ac- 
complish ] 

Had  he,  like  many  princes  before  him,  only  enacted  laws 
against  me,  and  still  continued  to  correspond  with  me  him- 
self, I  should  have  had  little  to  fear ;  but  would  you  think 
it,  sir,  he  actually  attempted  to  clear  the  court  of  me ;  will 
suffer  no  swearing  in  his  presence,  nor  gaming  on  the  Sab- 
bath evenings  m  his  palace,  and  even  discourageth  drunk- 
enness and  debauchery.  Indeed,  sir,  if  inferior  magistrates 
had  all  been  of  the  same  disposition  with  their  king,  poor 
Impiator  had  been  obliged  to  quit  the  realm,  and  live  in  ex- 
ile, like  the  devil  Crudelis. 

Infidelis.  That  the  king  of  England  is  a  sober  and  vir- 
tuous prince,  will  admit  of  no  dispute ;  but  the  case  of  Im- 
piator can  never  be  desperate,  whilst  you  and  I  are  in  such 
high  esteem  v/ith  so  many  magistrates  and  placemen.  We 
shall  be  regarded  much  sooner  than  he.  So  long  as  inferior 
magistrates  can  be  kept  in  subjection  to  us,  there  is  no  fear 
of  our  interest,  let  the  prince  be  ever  so  virtuous.  I,  as  an 
old  stander  in  the  world,  have  seen  much  of  mankind,  and 
out  of  my  consummate  experience  shall  offer  some  things 
for  your  encouragement. 

A  good  king  may  enact  good  laws ;  but  it  is  impossible 
he  should  execute  them,  without  the  assistance  of  his  sub- 
jects ;  therefore  your  kingdom,  my  son,  can  never  suffer, 


96  DIALOGUES 

until  a  law  be  made,  which  shall  render  all  common  drunk- 
ards, swearers,  sabbath-breakers,  whoremongers,  extortion- 
ers, &c.  incapable  of  the  office  of  a  magistrate.  Whilst 
magistrates  can  suffer  buying  and  selling  on  the  sabbath- 
day  ;  whoredom,  drunkenness,  and  swearing  to  abound  in 
the  streets,  with  impunity,  what  hath  Impiator  to  fear]  Doth 
it  not  demonstratively  prove,  that  such  magistrates  are  firmly 
attached  to  the  devil  Impiator  ?  No  danger,  my  son,  no  dan- 
ger at  all !  Let  the  king  and  queen  both  abhor  you  ever  so 
much,  unless  they  can  get  men  of  virtuous  dispositions  es- 
tablished in  places  of  trust,  the  devil  Impiator  shall  reign, 
in  spite  of  all  they  can  do  to  prevent  it. 

Do  you  think  that  a  magistrate,  who  is  himself  a  drunk- 
ard, will  ever  strive  to  suppress  the  beastly  sin  of  drunken- 
ness in  others  ]  Or  that  he,  who  is  a  profane  swearer,  and 
tolerates  the  practice  of  swearing  in  his  own  household,  will 
ever  exert  his  power  to  suppress  it  in  others?  Can  it  be 
thought,  that  a  man  who  keeps  his  woman,  instead  of  his 
wife,  will  be  very  assiduous  to  suppress  the  reigning  sin  of 
whoredom  ]  Or,  that  he  who  can,  without  conscience,  grind 
the  faces  of  the  poor,  will  ever  be  a  promoter  of  piety  1 
Never  fear  it,  Impiator.  All  you  have  to  do  is  to~  debauch 
the  minds  of  as  many  magistrates  as  you  can  ;  then  you  will 
have  the  vulgar  of  course,  when  they  see  vice  reign  with 
impunity.* 

Impiator.  Afler  all,  sir,  I  think  there  is  reason  for  some 
fear,  when  we  consider  the  power  of  example.  You  remem- 
ber how,  according  to  tradition,  it  turned  the  heads  of  all 
the  Macedonian  army,  to  the  one  shoulder,  in  the  days  of 
Alexander,  and  how  it  raised  a  hump  upon  most  of  the  gen- 
teel backs  in  England,  in  the  days  of  king  Richard  the 
third,  of  bloody  memory.  Now,  sir,  if  example  were  to 
have  the  like  effect  at  present,  Impiator  could  not  live  in 
England. 

Infidelis.   I  am  sensible,  son,  that  a  virtuous  example  i? 

*  This  seco;i(l-;;iirlited  devil  pcoids  to  have  jud<;ed  rishtly  of  the  case 
for  profaiieness  of  every  kind  has  made  most  awful  advances  in  the  pres 
ont  reign,  nolvvitiistandin<;  the  virtue  of  the  sovereign.  Divorces,  con 
sequent  upon  conjMU'al  infidelity,  were  never  so  rife,  since  England  be^ 
came  a  nation.  Mas(inerades  and  routs,  which  received  but  little  coun 
tcnance  in  some  formrr  reigns,  in  this,  meet  with  al.'  that  the  vainesi 
heart  caii  w  ish  fir.  That  this  is  the  case,  let  Connelly's,  the  pantheon 
and  the  female  coterie,  bear  witness. 


OF    DEVILS.  97 

not  without  its  proper  influence ;  but  this  I  have  always 
seen,  people  are  more  easily  drawn  by  example,  into  vice, 
or  even  into  things  indifferent,  than  into  virtue.  Assure 
yourself  it  will  require  a  stronger  power  than  the  example 
of  the  best  and  wisest  of  men,  to  draw  a  vicious  person  to 
the  love  of  virtue. 

Should  the  virtuous  example  of  a  prince  have  any  influ- 
ence upon  others,  you  must  take  care  to  nick-name  them, 
get  them  pointed  and  hissed  at,  and  despised,  and  all  will 
go  on  very  quietly. 

Let  us  now  go  in  quest  of  our  kindred,  my  son.  I  expect- 
ed to  have  seen  some  of  them  here  this  morning. 


DIALOGUE  Vm. 

INFIDELIS,  AVARO,  FASTOSUS,  IMPIATOR,  AND  DISCORDANS. 

iNFiDELrs  and  Impiator  had  but  just  done  talking  togeth- 
er, and  were  about  departing,  when  Fastosus,  Avaro,  and 
Discordans  came  up  the  valley,  and  saluted  each  his  kin- 
dred ;  in  which  salutation  Infidelis  thus  began : 

Infidelis.  Honor  and  renown,  to  the  great  Fastosus! 
Furious  contentions,  to  restless  Discordans !  and  heaps  of 
glittering  wealth,  to  the  careful  Avaro !  To  which  infernal 
salutation, 

Fastosus  replied.  Darkness  and  confusion  surround  my 
brother  Infidelis!  Lewdness  and  debauchery  attend  my 
cousin  Impiator !  I  am  glad  to  see  so  many  of  our  family  in 
the  valley  at  once. 

Infidelis.  I  pray  you,  cousin  Discordans,  how  do  you  do ! 
These  many  weeks  have  passed  smce  I  saw  you. 

Discordans.  Even  jaded  out  of  breath,  uncle.  How  do 
you  do,  most  Rev.  sir  ]  and  how  do  you,  my  worthy  cousin  T 

Infidelis.  Having,  with  great  care,  caused  our  influ- 
ences to  rest  upon  our  subjects,  we  came  hither  to  the  val- 
ley to  regale  ourselves  with  a  dish  of  sweet  conversation, 
which  we  hope  will  now  be  more  agreeable,  on  the  arrival 
of  so  many  celebrated  worthies.  But  I  would  know,  cou- 
sin, where  you  have  been  so  long] 

Discordans.  Been !  I  have  been  busy,  wandering  to  and 


98  DIALOGUES 

fro,  on  the  face  of  the  earth,  as  usual,  promoting  the  inte- 
rests of  great  Beelzebub,  So  diligent  have  I  been,  that  I 
have  had  no  time,  since  I  saw  you  last,  so  much  as  to  take 
a  nap.  But,  as  you  observed  just  now,  having  left  my  in- 
fluences upon  mankind,  I  hope  to  enjoy  the  pleasure  of  my 
uncle's  company  for  a  season. 

Infidelis.  How,  cousin]  Are  you  so  close  at  it?  I 
thought  your  affairs  had  been  urgent  only  upon  certain  oc- 
casions. 

Discord ANS.  Indeed,  sir,  mankind  are  fond  of  me,  almost 
to  distraction.  I  believe  I  have  as  much  business,  now-a- 
days,  as  any  devil  of  the  club ;  and  I  manage  my  affairs 
with  as  much  dexterity  too. 

Infidelis.  What  is  that  staff*,  you  have  in  your  hand, 
cousm  ]  And  what  is  that  looking-glass,  that  hangs  by  your 
side  1  By  your  looks  you  are  too  vigorous  to  need  a  staff" 
to  lean  upon;  and  to  judge  by  the  appearance  of  your  per- 
son and  dress,  I  should  have  thought  you  had  as  little  need 
of  a  looking-glass. 

Discord  ANS.  You  are  pleased  to  banter  a  little,  sir :  but 
that  which  is  well  received,  is  never  ill  delivered.  This  you 
call  a  staff,  sir,  is  my  telescope.  And  this  glass  is  my  in- 
verting mirror.  The  two  chosen  instruments  by  which  I 
carry  on  all  my  operations. 

Impiator.  I  thought,  cousin,  we  devils  have  no  need  of  ^ 
glasses,  either  perspective  or  visual.  What !  is  your  sight 
bad,  Discordans? 

DiscoRDANS.  No,  no,  my  sight  is  as  piercing  as  the  eye 
of  an  eagle  ;  but  piercing  as  it  is,  I  cannot  do  without  my 
glasses, 

Impiator.  Then,  I  suppose,  the  glasses  are  for  the  use 
of  your  subjects.  Indeed,  cousin,  I  never  took  you  to  be  a 
friendly  devil  before. 

DiscoRDANS.  Not  so  friendly  as  you  imagine,  coz,  nor 
are  the  glasses  for  their  use  but  for  their  abuse.  For  there 
is  not  one  who  makes  use  of  either  glass,  but  he  is  abused, 
as  sure  as  ever  he  uses  it.  This  is  no  very  great  friendship, 
sir,  is  it  1 

Infidelis.  No,  cousin,  if  so  you  approve  yourself  the 
offspring  of  great  Beelzebub.  I  should  be  glad  to  hear 
something  of  their  uses,  and  the  manner  of  your  operation 
by  them. 


OP    DEVILS.  99 

DiscoRDANS.  I  am  ready  to  oblige  you,  sir,  if  the  great 
Fastosus  is  pleased  to  permit  me. 

Fastosls.  You  do  me  honor,  my  son.  I  permit  you,  witli 
all  my  heart. 

DiscoRDANS.  Then,  sir,  if  you  please,  you  shall  try  my 
telescope  first  Take  it  in  your  hand,  sir,  and  put  it  to  your 
eye.     Now,  sir,  vvliat  do  you  see  ] 

Infidelis.  Sec !  I  see  the  greatest  mountain  that  ever  I 
beheld  !  The  top  of  it  reacheth  even  to  the  stars.  Strange  ! 
I  did  not  think  there  had  been  such  a  thing  in  the  world ! 
Why,  the  highest  mountain  in  Armenia  is  but  a  hillock, 
when  compared  to  thisT 

DiscoRDANS.  Now,  SLT,  be  pleased  to  take  down  the 
glass;  look  the  same  way  with  your  naked  eye,  and  try 
what  you  can  discover. 

Infidelis.  Nay,  now  I  can  see  nothing  at  all,  but  a  mole- 
hill, about  a  score  of  yards  from  us.  But  what  is  gone  with 
the  mountain,  think  you  1 

D1SC0RDAN.S.  That  very  molehill,  sir,  is  the  mountain 
-which  you  saw.  To  convince  you  of  it,  Impiator  shall  make 
the  trial  likewise.     Now,  Impiator,  what  do  you  see  ] 

Impiator.  See !  why  I  see  the  wondrous  mountain  ;  and 
I  see  a  prodigious  number  of  monsters,  ten  times  as  big  as 
an  elephant,  travelling  up  the  sides  of  it ! 

DiscoRDANS.  Now,  sir,  the  molehill  is  the  mountain,  and 
tlie  ants  are  the  monsters  that  inhabit  it. 

Infidelis.  Amazing!  that  any  instrument  can  change 
the  appearance  of  things,  so  much  from  the  reality.  Indeed, 
Discordans,  I  can  hardly  believe  my  ovm  eyes. 

DiscoRDANS.  Sir,  you  shall  have  full  conviction.  Put  the 
glass  to  your  eye,  and  mind  well,  when  I  roll  this  ball  on 
Sie  green,  and  tell  me  what  it  appears  to  you  to  be. — Now, 
sir,  you  have  seen  it,  what  do  you  say  1 

Infidelis,  I  am  more  astonished  than  ever.  It  appeared 
to  be  well-nigh  as  huge  as  the  body  of  Saturn,  and  seemed 
to  roll  through  immeasurable  space.  Now  I  am  convinced, 
incredulous  as  I  am. 

Discordans.  All  is  well  so  far.  Now  you  shall  try  the 
other  end  of  the  telescope,  and  learn  the  wonders  of  minia- 
ture. Let  us  look  towards  the  other  side  of  the  valley.  You 
see  a  very  large  oak,  whose  arms  are  extended  at  least  two 
hundred  feet  in  breadth.    Do  you  not  see  it,  sir '? 


2IIG90 


100  DIALOGUES 

Infidelis.  See  it !  How  you  talk !  I  might  see  that  tree 
without  spectacles,  if  I  were  three-fourths  blind. 

DiscoRDANS.  Be  not  too  positive,  sir.  Take  a  good  view 
of  it  now,  lest  you  should  not  readily  apprehend  it  with  the 
glass. 

Infidelis.  Why,  cousin,  I  cannot  fail  seeing  this  tree  at 
the  first  trial,  it  is  such  a  large  one,  and  just  at  hand  too ! 

DiscoRDANS.  Well  then,  please  to  put  the  glass  to  your 
eye,  the  contrary  way  to  what  you  did  before. — Now,  sir, 
what  do  you  see  1 

Infidelis.  I  can  see  nothing  at  all.  What  is  become  of 
the  tree,  think  you  1 

DiscoRDANS.  Look  better,  sir.  The  tree  stands  just  where 
it  did,  I  assure  you. 

Impiator.  I  suppose  my  father  has  not  the  glass  right  at 
his  eye ;  has  he,  cousin  1 

DiscoRDANS.  Yes,  yes,  it  is  very  right.  Do  you  discover 
any  thing  of  the  tree  yef? 

Infidelis.  No,  notliing  at  all.  Is  not  the  glass  fallen  out, 
think  you  1 

DiscoRDANS.  No,  sir,  the  glass  is  all  right.  But  tell  me, 
do  you  see  nothing  of  any  kind  1 

Infidelis.  Yes,  I  see,  at  a  prodigious  distance,  some  kind 
of  a  shrub,  about  the  size  of  a  common  thistle.  To  me  it 
appears  to  be  about  fifteen  inches  high. 

DiscoRDANS.  Look  stedfastly  at  it,  sir,  and  see  if  you  can 
find  out  w^hat  species  it  is  of] 

Infidelis.  I  take  it  to  be  a  small  oak  plant ;  but  at  such 
a  distance,  it  is  not  easy  to  distinguish  the  species  of  such  a 
diminutive  shrub. 

Discord ANS.  Now,  sir,  I  perceive  you  discern  it  right ; 
if  you  please,  you  may  take  down  the  glass.  You  see,  sir, 
the  oak  tree  stands  just  where  it  did ;  and  now  you  discover 
nothing  of  the  shrub.  Believe  me,  sir,  the  plant  which  you 
saw,  is  none  other  than  that  stately  oak,  magically  dimin- 
ished in  its  appearance,  by  the  power  of  the  glass.  The 
oak  itself  has  undergone  no  change,  neither  did  the  ball, 
nor  the  molehill.     All  the  change  is  only  in  appearance. 

Infidelis.  I  am  amazed  at  the  astonishing  powers  of  this 
instrument.  When  it  is  used  one  way,  it  magnifies  a  mole- 
hill to  a  stupendous  mountain,  and  a  tennis-ball  to  a  world ; 
and  when  used  the  contrary  way,  it  reduceth  an  oak  of  the 


OF    DEVILS.  101 

most  gigantic  stature,  into  one  of  the  most  dwarfisli  shrubs. 
I  pray  you,  cousin,  what  is  the  name  of  this  instrument,  and 
where  was  it  invented  ] 

DiscoRDANS.  Sir,  the  name  of  this  amazing  instrument, 
is  Prejudice ;  it  was  invented  by  Lucifer,  the  most  famous 
mathematician  in  iiell ;  and  is  of  excellent  use,  in  forward- 
ing the  delightful  works  of  darkness,  and  securing  the  do- 
minion of  Beelzebub,  over  mankind,  upon  earth. 

Infidelis.  Dear  cousin,  I  am  quite  impatient  to  have  a 
description  of  its  uses.  It  cannot  fail  of  bein^  of  excellent 
service,  if  skilfully  managed,  as  I  doubt  not  it  is,  in  the  hand 
of  Discordans. 

DiscoRDANS.  Sir,  having  already  seen  something  of  its 
amazing  effects,  you  may  well  believe  it  is  very  useful  to 
me.  By  this  partial  glass  it  is  I  sow  contention,  strife  and 
discord,  wherever  I  come.  It  is  my  custom  when  I  begin 
my  operations,  and  intend  to  set  people  together  by  the  ears, 
to  visit  each  of  them  separately;  apply  my  glass  to  his  eye, 
in  the  magnifying  way ;  and,  as  you  see  it  is  so  constructed 
that  it  will  turn  any  way,  I  turn  it  towards  himself,  by  which 
he  obtains  a  partial  view  of  his  own  virtue  and  merit.  Then 
I  apply  the  glass  the  contrary  way,  and  direct  my  dupe  to 
consider  his  vices  in  the  diminishing  medium,  by  which  he 
almost,  if  not  wholly,  loseth  sight  of  them.  Having  had  such 
a  partial  view  of  his  own  virtues  and  vices,  the  fool  takes  the 
fonner  to  be  a  thousand  times  greater,  and  the  latter  a  thou- 
sand times  less,  than  they  really  are.  By  these  means  he  is 
prejudiced  in  his  own  favor  so  far,  that  he  is  ready  to  quarrel 
with  all,  who  thmk  not  as  well  of  him  as  he  does  of  himself. 
Thus,  I  prejudice  almost  every  man  in  his  own  favor,  so 
far,  that  each  looks  upon  himself  as  most  worthy  of  general 
regard.  From  this  it  is,  that  you  may  meet  with  a  drummer, 
who  looks  upon  himself  as  more  able  to  command  well,  than 
his  colonel :  or  a  catchpole,  who  deems  himself  fit  for  an 
alderman ;  and  a  scurvy  attorney,  who  flatters  himself,  that 
he  knows  more  than  the  lord  chancellor  of  the  realm. 

But  for  this  prejudice  in  their  own  favor,  you  should  never 
hear  of  revolutions  of  state,  destructive  wars,  cruel  assassi- 
nations, and  domestic  broils,  among  mankind,  so  grateful  to 
us  infernal  spirits.  It  is  by  this  device,  you  will  find  one 
fool  wiser  in  his  own  conceit  than  ten  men  who  can  render 
a  reason.  Yea,  gentlemen,  it  is  from  the  good  opinion  almost 
1  2i 


102  DIALOGUES 

every  man  hath  of  himself,  originally  derived  from  the  use 
of  my  partial  telescope,  that  all  divisions  and  animosities  of 
every  kind,  and  amongst  every  people,  in  church  and  state, 
do  flow.  Though,  indeed,  the  gentlemen  concerned  in  re- 
ligious contentions  would  persuade  the  world  that  it  is  the 
glory  of  God,  and  the  furtherance  of  the  gospel,  they  have  in 
view,  in  all  their  curses  and  anathemas,  which  they  toss  and 
retoss  against  one  another.  The  vulgar  take  it  for  granted 
to  be  so,  and  therefore  readily  join  with  their  reverend 
leaders. 

In  the  mean  while,  man  being  sufficiently  prejudiced  in 
his  own  favor,  I  betake  me  to  the  following  operations,  from 
whence  all  jealousies,  backbitings,  murmurings,  evil  sur- 
misings,  &c.  spring.  I  put  the  diminishing  end  of  my  tele- 
scope to  the  eye  of  my  dupe,  and  direct  him  thus,  to  behold 
the  virtues  of  his  neighbor.  The  instance  of  the  oak,  re- 
duced to  the  most  diminutive  shrub,  will  convince  you  that 
a  man's  virtues  will  appear  little  enough,  if  at  all  discernible, 
when  viewed  with  my  partial  glass.  So  when  the  man  with 
it  examines  the  virtue  of  his  neighbors,  he  is  put  to  his  wit's 
end  to  find  any  virtue  at  all,  just  as  yoivv/ere  to  find  out  the 
oak :  but  he  sees,  as  he  thinks,  too  much  cause  to  conclude, 
that  his  neighbor  is  a  very  bad  man.  And  if  such  a  thing 
should  be,  that  a  man's  virtue  is  so  strong  that  it  forceth 
evidence,  even  over  the  belly  of  prejudice,  by  its  own  native 
lustre,  its  appearance  is  changed  from  its  reality,  as  the  oak 
to  the  shrub,  in  the  foregoing  experiment. 

Then  I  direct  my  disciple  to  apply  the  magnifying  end  of 
the  telescope,  and  to  take  an  ample  view  of  his  neighbor's 
vices  and  deformity ;  and  this  he  doth  to  the  greatest  ad- 
vantage. The  two  instances  of  a  molehill  transformed  to  a 
mountain,  and  a  rolling  ball  to  a  revolving  world,  will  con- 
vmce  you  how  glaring  a  man's  vices  will  be,  when  viewed 
with  the  magnifying  end  of  my  valuable  telescope,  preju- 
dice. 

On  obtaining  this  discovery,  says  my  dupe.  Ah  !  how 
glaring  his  vices  appear !  When  I  sought  for  virtue,  I  could 
not  discern  so  much  as  the  smallest  of  her  traces  in  him; 
■but  now  I  seek  for  his  vices,  truly  there  is  nothing  else  to 
he  seen.  Can  he  be  a  Christian  ]  No,  surely !  If  this  be 
Christianity,  I  will  for  ever  renounce  it."  Thus,  my  rever- 
end uncle,  I  frequently  persuade  people,  who  are  reaUj 


OF    DEVILS.  103 

worthless,  to  despise,  revile,  and  contemn  those  who  are,  in 
every  respect,  nmch  preferable  to  themselves ;  to  deny  the 
character  of  virtuous  men,  even  to  the  most  virtuous  of  their 
day. 

Infidelis.  Now,  nephew,  you  delight  my  ear  indeed; 
and  I  freely  own  you  of  my  illustrious  kindred  ;  nor  are  you 
less  dexterous  in  pursuit  of  your  calling,  than  the  greatest 
of  all  our  fraternity ;  the  great  Fastosus  and  I  only  ex- 
cepted. 

Impiator.  Gentlemen,  I  have  been  silent  a  long  time, 
which  I  believe  I  am  as  httle  given  to  as  any ;  but  now, 
wonder  unbraces  my  tongue,  and  I  cannot  but  admire  the 
art  and  industry  of  my  cousm  Discordans. 

DiscoRDANS.  Although  I  am  no  way  remarkable  for  grati- 
tude, I  thank  you,  cousin  Impiator,  for  your  compliment. 
There  is  this  glass,  which  likewise  demands  your  attention. 
Will  you  please  to  examine  it,  gentlemen  ? 

Infidelis.  Come,  cousin,  I  will.  Please  to  let  me  look 
at  it. 

Discordans.  Now  for  a  fresh  surprise.  Do  you  please 
to  place  the  mirror,  and  look  into  it. 

Infidelis.  I  will,  cousin.  But  what  is  the  matter,  think 
you  ?  I  see  nothing  but  gross  darkness.  How  comes  this  to 
p6iss,  Discordans  ? 

Discordans.  It  is  the  nature  of  the  instrument.  Be 
pleased  to  turn  yourself  so  as  to  look  upon  either,  or  all  of 
us,  in  it.     Now,  sir,  what  do  you  see  ] 

Infidelis.  Strange !  you  all  appear  as  angels  of  light. 
Did  I  not  perfectly  know  the  contrary,  I  could  have  sworn 
upon  the  alcoran,  or  the  mass  book,  that  Impiator  had  been 
Uriel ;  Avaro  had  been  the  genius  of  benevolence ;  that 
Fastosus  had  been  humility ;  and  you,  Discordans,  the  angel 
of  peace. 

This  glass  is  really  more  wonderful  than  the  former. 
What  an  amazing  power  of  inversion  it  hath,  cousin  !  Why 
it  transformeth  light  mto  darkness,  and  darkness  into  light ; 
changeth  the  ajapearance  of  devils  into  that  of  angels  of 
light.  Well,  Discordans,  if  this  will  not  answer  your  end, 
I  do  not  know  what  will  I  pray  you,  cousin,  what  do  you 
-call  it] 

Discordans.  This,  sir,  I  call  my  inverting  mirror :  but 
the  proper  name  of  it  is  false  reasoning,    i^  instrument 


104  DIALOGUES 

of  the  true  Luciferian  construction,  and  most  admirably 
adapted  to  my  dividing  purposes.  It  is  the  oracle  at  which, 
for  the  most  part,  mankind  inquire  after  the  truth  of  any 
matter.  But,  from  what  you  have  seen,  you  will  readily 
believe  that  there  is  no  truth  in  it ;  therefore,  its  discove- 
ries, if  the  truth  were  known,  would  be  deemed  absolute 
falsehood.  But  I  am  very  careful  to  keep  up  its  honor  with 
the  people,  as  I  could  do  but  little  business  without  it. 

Fastosus,  Rig-ht,  my  son,  and  it  proves  to  be  in  high  es- 
teem :  for  the  ancients  were  not  more  fond  of  our  brother 
Apollo,  who  kept  his  court  at  Delphos,  than  the  moderns  are 
of  the  inverting  mirror  of  false  reasoning. 

Infidelis.  Good  cousin,  a  word  or  two  concerning  its  uses ; 
yea,  make  an  oration  of  it,  if  you  please ;  for  it  will  be  very 
agreeable,  even  to  Impiator  himself,  I  dare  say. 

Impiator.  No  danger  of  me,  I  assure  you  !  I  begin  now 
to  have  some  taste  for  information,  all  that  I  have  heard 
being  so  very  agreeable.  Cousin  Discord ans,  you  may  freely 
proceed  without  any  fear  of  being  too  hard  upon  my  pa* 
tience. 

DiscoRDANS.  But  for  this  inverting  mirror,  gentlemen,  I 
could  do  but  little  against  the  children  of  men;  for  excel- 
lent as  my  telescope  of  prejudice  is,  it  would  be  altogether 
useless,  but  for  the  mirror :  but,  by  the  help  of  this,  the 
telescope  performeth  mighty  deeds  in  favor  of  our  govern- 
ment. 

By  this  mirror  it  is,  I  cause  offence  to  be  taken  when  none 
is  offered  nor  designed ;  yea,  even  when  the  good  of  the 
party  is  sought  after ;  and  thus  I  foment  differences,  amidst 
the  most  fervent  solicitations  for  unity.  A  certain  great  man, 
some  thousand  years  since,  had  such  a  proof  of  this,  that  he 
complained  bitterly  against  our  people,  saying,  "  When  I  am 
for  peace,  they  are  for  war." 

By  this  mirror  it  is,  that  public  or  private  reproof  is  not 
only  rendered  useless,  but  even  hurtful  to  the  party  reproved, 
and  frequently  prejudicial  to  society.  So  very  much  are 
people  given  to  examine  all  matters  in  our  famous  mirror, 
that  it  is  almost  impossible  to  point  out  one  man  in  a  whole 
county,  who  hath  wisdom  enough  to  bear  reproof  with  be- 
commg  patience.  So  that  if  it  is  an  argument  of  folly,  to 
turn  away  the  ear  from  reproof,  or  to  harden  the  heart  against 
rebuke,  these  are  brave  days  for  folly. 


OF    DEVILS.  105 

By  this  wonderful  mirror,  I  make  even  the  preached  word, 
not  only  useless  to  many,  but  of?ensive  to  some.  For  in- 
stance, it  sometimes  happens,  that  the  preacher,  as  it  is  his 
duty,  exclaims  against  drunkenness.  At  that  instant  I  step 
up  to  the  drunkard,  and  hold  the  mirror  before  his  eyes;  im- 
mediately he  begins  to  view  the  parson's  conduct  in  a  very 
uncharitable  light ;  and,  as  a  guilty  conscience  needs  no  ac- 
cuser, he  concludes  it  is  himself  that  is  aimed  at,  "  Well, 
says  he,  I  see  how  it  is ;  some  spiteful  person  hath  told  him 
thai  I  was  drunk  the  otlier  night,  and  he  is  wicked  enough 
to  expose  me  to  all  the  congregation.  Has  he  no  faults  of 
his  own,  that  he  can  be  so  free  in  trumping  up  other  people's 
failings  1  Cannot  he  preach  the  gospel  without  railing  against 
individuals  ] 

Infidelis.  I  have  often  seen  it  to  be  dangerous  to  our  in- 
terests, for  a  person  to  go  with  a  guilty  conscience  to  where 
there  is  a  faithful  mhiistry. 

DiscoRDANs.  By  this  time,  I  clap  my  telescope  to  his  eye, 
and  direct  him  to  view  the  parson  with  it;  which  is  no 
sooner  done,  than  he  exclaims,  "Ay,  ay,  his  vices  are  as 
great  as  mine,  and  greater  too.  If  he  is  not  a  drunkard,  he 
is  something  as  bad ;  he  is  covetous ;  all  know  that :  and  he 
is  uncharitable  and  spiteful."  Then  I  turn  the  end  of  my 
telescope  towards  himself  "  Well,  saith  he,  the  parson  him- 
self is  more  wicked  by  one  half  than  I  am.  I  meddle  with 
no  man's  character.  I  am  m  charity  with  all  men.  I  am 
just  and  honest  in  all  my  dealings.  If  I  hurt  anybody,  it 
is  myself,  and  what  can  the  meddling  fellow  have  to  do  with 
thatl" 

Thus  doth  this  wonderful  instrument  invert  the  nature  of 
things,  so  as  to  turn  a  well-meant  admonition  into  a  piece 
of  envious  raillery ;  what  is  really  m  itself  a  virtue,  is  changed 
in  its  appearance  to  a  vice ;  and  if  the  least  degree  of  zeal 
appears  in  the  delivery  of  reproof,  it  is  traduced  as  passion 
and  ill-nature.  By  the  use  of  these  two  famous  instruments, 
I  set  one  great  man  to  pull  the  ears  of  another,  at  the  vari- 
ous courts  of  earthly  princes ;  where,  by  my  management, 
the  truly  worthy  are  frequently  disgraced,  and  the  worthless 
advanced  to  power.  What  ups  and  downs  succeeded  each 
other  in  the  court  of  Versailles,  in  the  days  of  madame  Pom- 
padour, when  not  the  merit  of  the  hero,  but  his  attachment 
to  that  lady,  was  considered !  If  he  was  a  true  Pompadorian, 


106  DIALOGUES 

he  was  sure  to  be  advanced,  however  much  of  the  calf  his 
disposition  had  imbibed ;  but  if  an  anti-pompadorian,  down  he 
came,  though  he  were  as  wise  as  Ulysses,  and  valiant  as  the 
son  of  Thetis.  And  so  it  fared  with  them  in  their  bad  suc- 
cess in  the  late  war. 

Fastosus.  I  suppose  the  public  would  never  object  to  their 
prince  enjoying  the  common  privilege  of  man,  in  having  a 
favorite  friend  near  his  person,  were  it  not  tliat  the  party  se- 
lected for  that  person  is  apt,  insolently  and  inconsiderately, 
to  crowd  his  own  dependants,  qualified  or  unqualified,  into 
places  under  the  government.  But  what  France  suffered 
for  such  misconduct  in  the  last  war,  will  be  a  warning  to 
neighboring  nations. 

Infidelis.  I  should  like  to  have  the  history  of  your  glasses, 
cousin.  And  I  imagine  a  few  instances  of  your  operations 
by  them  will  be  exceedingly  agreeable  to  all  the  company, 
if  you  will  be  so  obliging  as  to  favor  us  with  them. 

DiscoRDANS.  With  all  my  heart,  sir.  The  first  instance 
1  remember,  was  m  the  case  of  Cain  and  Abel.  As  for  Abel, 
you  know  he  was  a  rebel  against  our  government,  enlisted 
under  the  bamier  of  Immanuel,  and  bo^re  arms  against  the 
monarch  of  darkness,  to  whom  trusty  Cain  was  firmly  at- 
tached. Abel  was  well  acquainted  with  the  acceptable  atone- 
ment, then  to  be  made  by  Jesus  of  Nazareth,  and  had  respect 
to  it,  in  all  the  services  which  he  offered  to  Deity.  His  sac- 
rifices and  services  were  therefore  the  fruits  of  faith,  and 
consequently  acceptable  to  God,  whom  he  served.  On  the 
other  hand,  our  friend  Cain  had  no  respect  for  the  mediation 
of  Immanuel,  but  considered  his  services  as  well  deserving 
acceptance  with  Deity,  in  virtue  of  their  own  intrinsic  ex- 
cellence. Of  course,  both  him  and  his  services  were  reject- 
ed. For  you  know  whatever  is  not  of  faith,  is  sin,  and  con- 
sequently detestable  to  the  Almighty.  Abel  offered  his  sac- 
rifice, and  Cain  presented  his  gift,  the  one  in  faith,  and  the 
other  without  faith ;  the  result  was,  Abel  was  accepted  and 
Cain  rejected. 

As  soon  as  I  was  aware  of  this,  and  saw  discontent  visible 
upon  his  countenance,  I  went  up  to  Cain,  and  began  to  ply 
him  with  my  instrument.  "  Let  my  lord  Cain,"  said  I,  "  try 
his  brother's  conduct  in  this  faithful  mirror." 

Accordmgly  he  viewed  it,  and  as  he  viewed,  he  said, 
"  Ah !  now  I  see  how  it  is.    He  knew  that  a  lamb  or  kid 


OF   DEVILS.  107 

would  be  more  acceptable  to  God  than  corn ;  but  he  would 
not  inform  me,  I  suppose,  lest  I  should  share  in  the  blessing. 
Is  this  acting  the  part  of  a  brother  1  I  see  now  through  all 
his  pretended  love,  his  whining  advices  and  hypocritical 
cant." 

This  wrought  just  as  I  would  have  it.  Then  I  desired  him 
to  view  himself  with  my  telescope,  which  he  did,  and  thus 
exclaimed,  "  Why,  I  am  a  thousand  times  better  than  my 
brother  Abel !  I  have  as  much  righteousness  in  my  one  hand, 
as  he  hath  in  his  whole  person."  Said  I,  "  Now  take  a  full 
view  of  your  brother  with  this  glass."  He  did,  and  as  he 
looked,  he  said,  "  My  brother  is  the  most  contemptible  crea- 
ture I  ever  beheld.  I  wonder  not  now  to  hear  him  complain 
of  his  unworthiness,  as  he  does  in  his  whining  way."  "  Look 
again,"  I  said.  Then  said  Cain,  "  Why,  Abel  is  so  swelled 
with  pride,  that  he  cannot  contain  himself."  "  Look  farther," 
said  I :  "  Ay,  replied  he,  I  see  what  he  aims  at.  He  thinks 
I  shall  be  his  servant,  and  no  longer  his  superior  as  elder 
brother." 

You  know  it  is  usual  for  my  worthy  friends,  Envy,  Re- 
venge, and  Cruelty,  to  follow  me  in  most  of  my  enterprises. 
It  so  fell  out,  at  this  time,  that  those  three  diabolians  were 
present;  but  none  of  them  attempted  to  speak  a  word,  until 
Cain  had  viewed  his  brother  Abel  with  my  instruments,  in 
a  light  the  most  disadvantageous  to  him  that  could  be.  But 
Cain  having  obtained  this  view  of  Abel,  up  comes  Envy,  and 
thus  addressed  him:  "Friend  Cain,  I  am  heartily  sorry  for 
your  disgrace,  and  am  grieved  when  I  observe  to  you,  that, 
it  is  my  opinion  you  will  never  be  able  to  endure  your 
brother's  greatness  and  prosperity,  now  he  is  accepted,  and 
you  are  rejected.  I  am  much  mistaken,  if  his  ambition 
ceaseth  to  operate,  until  he  enslaves  you  entirely  under  his 
yoke.  I  much  fear  that  it  is  what  he  aims  at.  Now,  my 
friend,  as  you  are  the  elder  born,  it  is  but  reasonable  that 
you  should  be  ruler ;  but  for  the  elder  to  be  subject  to  the 
younger,  is  what  I  would  advise  you  never  to  submit  to." 
Then,  said  Revenge,  if  honest  Cain  will  be  ruled  by  me,  he 
will  make  himself  amends  for  all  the  grief  he  has  sustained. 
To  whom  Cain :  "  I  pray  thee  thou  sweet  spirit,  which  way 
shall  I  do  it  ]  Shall  I  burn  his  tents,  or  destroy  his  flocks  ? 
What  shall  I  do  to  make  myself  amends  ]"  Do,  said  Crudelis, 
what  should  you  do?     Knock  him  on  the  head  at  once: 


108  DIALOGUES 

"  else,  said  Envy,  he  will  be  an  eye-sore  to  you,  all  the  days 
of  your  life." 

Thus  the  matter  was  determined,  and,  accordingly,  Cain 
took  an  opportunity  one  day  in  the  field  to  murder  him.  In 
this  instance,  Abel's  virtue  and  faith  were  considered  as 
vicious  craftiness ;  his  sincere  aiming  at  the  glory  of  God, 
and  his  self-denial,  were,  by  my  inverting  instruments,  in- 
terpreted pride  and  ambition.  Deluded  Cain  revenged  him- 
self, not  according  to  reality,  but  according  to  his  own  jealous 
suspicions  and  groundless  surmises. 

Infidelis.  Realities  seldom  appear,  Discordans,  where 
you  reign,  or  your  operations  would  not  be  so  successful  as 
they  are  in  common. 

Discordans.  True,  sir,  there  is  no  possibility  of  main- 
taining strife  and  contention,  but  by  inspiring  one  man  with 
mistaken  notions  of  another,  and  each  with  a  good  opinion 
of  himself     This  is  the  spring  of  all  contention. 

I  remember  I  made  rude  work  between  Jacob's  wives ;  I 
think  their  names  were  Leah  and  Rachel,  the  daughters  of 
your  friend  Laban,  Avaro ;  and  that  too,  for  what  neither 
one  nor  the  other  could  possibly  help.  Rachel  was  plump, 
fair,  and  beautiful,  but  withal  for  many  years  barren.  Leah 
was  less  beautiful,  being  afflicted  with  tender  eyes.  And 
from  these  two  sources  I  let  the  world  see  the  inconveniency 
of  polygamy  or  bigamy.  But  to  pass  from  the  discord  of 
the  women,  I  come  to  their  sons,  amongst  whom  I  made  a 
pretty  sort  of  an  inroad,  which  for  a  season  yielded  me  ex- 
quisite pleasure. 

You  must  know  it  is  always  more  pleasure  to  me  to  stir 
up  discord  among  the  good  and  virtuous,  than  any  people 
whatever;  although,  by  the  way,  it  is  much  more  irrational 
in  them  to  quarrel  with  one  anotlier,  than  for  those  who  are 
strangers  to  equal  privileges.  Yet,  such  is  my  dexterity, 
that,  whilst  they  are  in  this  world,  I  can  make  them  very 
often  behave  to  one  another,  more  like  enemies  than  friends 
and  brethren.  However,  they  escape  my  tyranny  the  mo- 
ment they  forsake  their  clay,  and  I  am  for  ever  banished 
from  their  peaceful  mansions  in  the  other  world. 

To  return  to  my  story.  Young  Joseph,  son  of  deceased 
Rachel,  was  his  father's  favorite ;  and  the  fond  patriarch, 
to  evince  his  distinguishing  regard  to  him,  clothed  him  in 
garments  of  many  colors.     This  badge  of  affection  sat  very 


OF    DEVILS.  109 

uneasy  on  the  minds  of  his  brethren,  who,  to  a  man,  re- 
solved to  teach  future  parents  tlie  tolly  of  partiality  to- 
wards their  children ;  yet  had  conduct  enough  to  bridle 
their  resentment  until  a  favorable  opportunity  should  offer. 
It  was  not  many  years  before  an  opportunity  offered ;  for 
Joseph  had  a  dream  divinely  inspired,  of  which  I  made  very 
suitable  improvement.  He  dreamed  "  that  he  and  his  breth- 
ren were  all  reaping  together  in  the  field,  and  lo !  ere  he 
was  aware,  his  sheaf  stood  upright  in  the  midst,  and  all  his 
brethren's  sheaves  stood  round  and  made  obeisance  to  it." 

Young  Joseph,  suspecting  no  harm,  in  his  simplicity,  told 
his  dream  to  his  brethren.  Not  long  after,  he  dreamed  that 
the  sun,  moon,  and  eleven  stars,  made  obeisance  to  him ; 
and,  in  the  same  simplicity  of  heart,  told  his  brethren  this 
dream  also,  never  once  suspecting  that  they  would  comment 
upon  it  to  his  injury. 

At  this  time  I  happened  to  make  a  visit  to  them ;  and 
having  the  matter  without  reserve  laid  before  me,  I  re- 
quested them  to  examine  it  with  my  instruments,  as  you 
know  I  am  never  backward  when  there  is  any  hope  of  busi- 
ness. As  they  examined  it,  they  were  unanimously  of  opin- 
ion, that  the  haughty  boy  was  but  too  sensible  of  his  father's 
over-esteem  for  him.  "  Vain  youth,  said  they,  he  can  think 
of  nothing  but  being  lord  over  his  brethren :  it  is  evident, 
from  his  repeated  dreams,  his  mind  runs  upon  it  through  the 
day ;  for  what  people  ruminate  in  the  day,  they  are  apt  to 
dream  of  at  night."  Such  was  the  sense  my  mirror  gave 
of  the  affair.  Then,  said  I,  gentlemen,  be  pleased  to  sur- 
vey tlie  matter  with  this  telescope,  meaning  prejudice.  They 
did  so,  and  said,  "  Did  ever  any  body  see  such  a  haughty, 
presumptuous  youth  as  this  stripling  of  a  brother  of  ours  is  I 
It  may  be,  the  young  ambitious  wretch  feigned  his  dreams, 
the  more  easily  to  introduce  his  supremacy !  He  be  our  lord ! 
Must  hel  His  pride  is  boundless.  It  is  not  enough  that  he 
hopes  to  lord  it  over  his  brethren,  but  his  old  father  must,  it 
seems,  make  obeisance  to  his  arrogance." 

It  was  now  I  called  on  my  brother  Revenge  to  appear ; 
to  whom  I  willed  them  to  make  their  case  known.  This 
they  did;  and  he,  without  hesitation,  (as  you  know  he  is  a 
ready-witted  spirit)  gave  them  his  advice.  "  Gentlemen,  said 
he,  the  fact  is  evident ;  but  why  do  you  perplex  yourselves  ? 
You  have  it  in  your  power  to  prevent  his  aggrandizement. 
IC 


110  DIALOGUES 

Yonder  he  comes,  and  here  is  a  pit  hard  by:  drown  him  in 
it,  and  see  what  will  become  of  his  dreams."  "  By  all 
means,  said  Envy ;  for  you  see  the  old  man  is  so  dotingly 
fond  of  him,  that  he  is  ready  to  take  his  dreams  to  be  di- 
vinely inspired ;  and  the  more  foolishly  the  youth  can  dream, 
the  fonder  his  father  is  of  him ;  so  that  it  is  now,  if  Joseph 
is  well,  he  cares  little  what  becomes  of  the  rest  of  his  chil- 
dren." 

The  sons  of  Jacob,  in  part,  followed  our  advice.  They 
cast  Joseph  into  the  pit,  which  happened  to  be  dry :  but  the 
angel  of  compassion  wrought  so  far  upon  them,  that  they 
spared  his  life,  and  sold  him  to  a  band  of  Ishmaelites,  who 
were  to  take  care  to  dispose  of  him  in  a  foreign  market,  far 
enough  from  home.  So  you  see  it  was  by  the  help  of  my 
incomparable  instruments,  Joseph  was  separated  from  his 
brethren. 

Infidelis.  If  right  reason  had  been  director,  they  would 
have  allowed  it  possible  that  God  might  speak  in  a  dream, 
or  in  a  vision  of  the  night,  to  the  lad  ;  and  that  it  was  time 
enough  to  punish  him,  when  he  actually  became  guilty  of 
usurpation.  But  in  your  way,  right  reason  is  quite  out  of 
the  question,  cousin. 

If  agreeable  to  the  great  Fastosus,  I  hold  it  good  we  dis- 
perse for  the  present,  that  our  affairs  on  earth  be  not  neg- 
lected ;  and  let  us  meet  here  to-morrow  morning  for  fresh 
conversation. 

Fastosus.  It  is  very  agreeable  to  me,  su-. 


DIALOGUE  IX. 

FASTOSUS,  INFIDELIS,  IMPIATOR,  DISCORDANS,  AM)  AVARO. 

It  was  my  business  to  mind  the  appointment,  and  give 
due  attendance ;  which  I  resolved  to  do,  whatever  should 
be  the  consequence :  accordingly  I  was  there  ere  the  arri- 
val of  the  infernal  gentry,  whom  I  waited  for  with  impa- 
tience. At  last,  they  all  came  up  the  valley  to  the  place 
of  conference ;  where  five  sable  thrones  were  ready  to  re- 


OF    DEVILS.  Ill 

ceive  them.  As  soon  as  seated,  the  following  converse  be- 
gan: 

Infidelis,  Indeed !  is  it  possible  tliat  my  lovely  Impiator 
hath  so  far  prevailed,  as  to  make  a  reverend  vicar  drink 
until  he  is  fuddled]  Such  a  conquest  as  tliis  makes  greatly 
for  our  interest ;  for  when  the  parishioners  know  tbat  the 
parson  himself  was  drunk  in  the  week,  they  will  pay  very 
little  regard  to  his  sermon  the  ensuing  sabbath.  Let  him 
preach  repentance  and  reformation,  with  all  the  zeal  he  niay 
assume,  every  hearer  will  say  in  his  heart,  "  Physician, 
heal  thyself."  I  always  knew  that  you,  Avaro,  had  large 
dealings  with  many  of  the  clergy  ;  but  not  until  now,  that 
mji  son  Impiator  had  obtained  such  great  power  over  them. 
What !  and  swear  too !  To  see  a  parson  get  drunk,  or  to 
hear  him  profanely  swear,  would  give  joy  to  the  devil  him- 
self, amidst  all  his  disappointments.  I  assure  you,  in  the 
days  of  the  Puritans,  I  would  have  crept  forty  miles  on  ray 
hands  and  knees  to  have  heard  the  one,  or  seen  the  other. 
But  thou,  my  son 

Impiator,  Indeed,  sire,  you  may  depend  on  what  I  say. 
Great  and  formidable  are  my  enterprises.  These  eyes  of 
mine  have  seen  the  foot-ball  thrown  down  at  the  church- 
door,  on  Sunday  after  service,  in  the  presence  of  the  par- 
son; who,  like  the  father  of  his  people,  gathered  up  his 
gown,  and  stood  patiently  to  see  which  of  his  flock  could 
with  greatest  dexterity  make  it  skim  the  sky.  This,  you 
will  say,  was  a  pretty  sort  of  transit,  made  by  the  holy  man, 
from  worshipping  the  God  of  heaven  to  serve  the  famous 
devil  Impiator.  Ah,  gentlemen,  were  I  but  an  eloquent 
spirit,  I  could  tell  you  such  wonders  about  the  profaneness 
of  both  priest  and  people^  as  would  rejoice  yxDur  hearts,  and 
make  you  confess  that  few  devils  have  more  ascendency  over 
mankind  than  myself  O  !  the  young  students  who  are  train- 
ing up  for  the  ministry,  are  charming  lads.  It  is  but  a  few 
years  since,  a  nymph,  who  had  been  under  the  tuition  of 
•some  of  those  young  clergymen,  came  to  an  overseer  of  the 
poor  of  the  parish,  near  a  certain  university,  and  desired  to 
speak  with  him.  What  is  your  will  1  said  he.  I  am  with 
child,  said  she.  I  see  that,  returned  he ;  but  who  is  its  fa- 
ther ?  Three  gentlemen  of Hall,  said  she.  What 

do  you  talk  of  three  for,  said  he ;  only  one  of  them  can  be 
its  father.    Indeed,  sir,  they  are  all  three  the  fathers  of  my 


112  DIALOGUES 

child,  and  are  all  willing  to  g-ive  security  to  the  parish :  and 
three  very  civil  gentlemen  they  are,  I  assure  you.  I  think, 
said  the  overseer,  they  have  not  behaved  very  civilly  to  you, 
seeing  you  are  with  child  by  them.  O !  sir,  said  she,  they 
behaved  very  civilly  to  me.  They  got  me  to  their  room, 
and  kept  me  there  for  above  a  fortnight,  and  all  the  while  I 
ate  with  them,  and  slept  with  them  at  free  cost. 

AvARO.  Well,  but,  brother,  can  you  assert  that  as  fact 
upon  your  own  knowledge  ] 

Impiator.  Yes,  Avaro,  I  can ;  and  more  than  that,  the 
overseer  is  yet  alive,  and  can  at  any  time  attest  the  truth 
of  it. 

Infidelis.  Well,  I  think  they  are  hopeful  gentlemen  of 
which  to  make  ministers  of  the  gospel ;  gentlemen  who 
may  be  of  great  service  to  our  government. 

Impiator.  It  is  on  that  account  I  mention  the  affair. 
And  I  could  tell  you  a  hundred  such  pretty  little  stories. 

Fastosus.  Supposing  my  reverend  brother  Infidelis,  for 
the  information  of  these  younger  devils,  were  to  relate  part 
of  his  history,  might  it  not  be  well  ] 

Infidelis.  I  am  ready  to  do  any  thing  that  tends  to  the 
prosperity  of  our  common  cause :  with  a  view  to  this,  I  have 
already  given  Impiator  some  account  of  my  birth,  and  first 
enterprises ;  and  now,  for  common  instruction,  shall  proceed. 
Having  ascended  the  throne  of  Infidelity,  the  first  thing  I 
attempted  was,  to  lull  men  into  a  persuasion,  that  I  did  not 
at  all  exist,  and  that  there  is  no  such  devil  as  unbelief  in 
being.  When  I  could  not  so  universally  prevail  in  this  as 
I  wished,  I  endeavored  to  persuade  each  of  them  separate- 
ly, that  however  Infidelis  might  reign  over  others,  for  their 
part,  he  had  no  dominion  over  them.  For,  said  I,  you  have 
a  good  heart,  and  have  believed  well  all  your  days.  Al- 
though, as  I  said  before,  I  have  conducted  many  of  those, 
who  fancied  they  had  believed  so  well  in  their  life-time, 
very  safely  down  to  the  chambers  of  horrible  despair, 
where  they  were  soon  convmced,  they  never  believed  at  all 
aright. 

Then  I  endeavored  to  persuade  the  people,  that  the 
threatenings  of  God's  law,  against  sin,  ought  to  be  consid- 
ered as  a  fancy ;  and,  to  strengthen  this  doctrine,  I  thus 
preached ;  (for  you  must  know  I  have  been  a  great  preacher 
in  my  time,)  "  Look  you,  you  timorous-minded  mortals ;  you 


OF    DEVILS.  113 

may  clearly  see  that  God  hath  created  you,  with  all  the 
passions  and  appetites  tliat  attend  you ;  and  can  you  believe 
that  he  did  this  with  a  desig-n  to  prohibit  the  gratification 
of  them  /  No,  surely !  Could  it  be  consistent  with  the 
character  of  that  God,  whose  g-oodness  is  unto  all,  and 
whose  tender  mercies  are  over  all  his  works,  to  endue  you 
with  these  passions  and  appetites,  and  then  damn  you 
for  gratifying  them  I  No,  no,  those  threatenings  are  exhib- 
ited only  to  keep  your  consciences  in  awe ;  but  never  de- 
signed to  be  rigorously  executed.  The  law  will  make  large 
allowances,  for  the  inclinations,  passions,  and  infirmities  of 
the  human  nature;  never  fear  it.  The  soul  that  sinneth 
need  not  to  fear  dying,  as  the  scripture  has  threatened ;  and 
man  shall  not  be  cursed,  though  he  continue  not  in  all 
things  written  in  the  law  to  do  them." 

Here,  gentlemen,  you  may  see  my  fallacy,  in  dealmg 
with  mortals ;  for  although  all  the  faculties  and  passions  of 
the  soul  were  indeed  essential  to  its  created  state,  none  of 
them  were  then  irregular ;  none  acted  from  improper  influ- 
ence; for  every  passion  centred  in  its  lawful  and  proper 
object.  Besides,  all  sinful  motions  and  desires  of  the  heart 
are  the  effects  of  my  dominion  over  man. 

Then  I  proceeded  to  persuade  them  that  God  had  for- 
saken the  earth,  and  took  now  no  notice  of  the  deeds  of 
men,  so  that  every  man  might,  with  the  greatest  safety, 
gratify  his  peculiar  inclination.  By  these  means  it  was,  the 
great  Impiator  was  brought  into  existence,  whose  dominion 
has  increased,  every  year,  with  great  rapidity. 

I  persuaded  men,  that  this  world  is  the  most  certain 
good.  A  bird  in  the  hand,  said  I,  is  w^orth  two  in  the  bush. 
Make  sure  of  this  world,  and  never  fear  for  the  other.  Do 
you  consider  this  as  your  abiding  place,  and  build  your  nest 
in  its  highest  brandies,  if  possible.  In  this  I  succeeded  so 
well,  that  every  man  by  nature,  and  almost  ail  by  practice, 
look  upon  the  present  world  as  the  chiefest  good.  Then  it 
was  that  Avaro  was  born  in  our  family,  and  Ambitiosus  was 
born  in  the  family  of  Fastosus. 

All  this,  you  must  observe,  I  did  in  disguise,  or  rather  in  a 
state  of  invisibility.  I  dare  not  tell  a  man,  when  I  wait  upon 
him,  that  my  name  is  Infidelis :  for,  although  they  are  fond 
of  my  nature,  even  to  distraction,  there  is  not  one  of  them 
but  what  hates  to  be  told  that  be  is  concerned  with  me. 
K2 


114  DIALOGUES 

Indeed  you  cannot  affront  any  of  my  subjects  worse,  than 
by  naming  him  after  me,  and  calling  him  Infidel. 

Impiator.  That  is  the  very  case  with  my  subjects :  for, 
altliough  they  love  my  service  with  all  their  hearts,  they 
hate  to  be  told  of  it.  If  a  man  should  at  any  time  reprove 
one  of  them  for  his  enormities,  you  would  soon  hear  him 
damn  the  reprover,  for  a  methodist,  a  puritan,  or  a  sanctifi- 
ed hypocrite. 

Infidelis.  It  is  no  manner  of  difficulty  for  me  to  lurk, 
unperceived  by  them,  in  the  corners  of  their  dwellings ;  but 
I  cannot  possibly  hide  myself  from  Moses,  the  vicegerent 
of  the  Highest.  He  is  a  person  of  a  most  piercing  eye,  and 
can  trace  all  the  motions  of  spirit ;  therefore  it  comes  to 
pass,  that  he  and  I  have  frequent  bickerings.  Moses  being 
the  perfection  of  light,  and  I  the  most  consummate  dark- 
ness, there  is  an  eternal  war  proclaimed  betwixt  us,  and  we 
never  meet  but  we  are  at  daggers'  drawing. 

Sometimes  he  comes,  knocking  with  a  tremendous  ham- 
mer at  the  doors  and  windows  of  my  lodging,  as  if  he 
would  lay  the  house  in  a  heap  of  ruins;  whilst  the  people 
within  start  and  tremble  at  every  thunder-clap  of  his  ham- 
mer. Amidst  their  consternation,  you  may  hear  him,  from 
without,  call  to  them  within,  with  a  voice  louder  than  many 
thunders,  in  the  name  of  his  august  Master,  to  bring  forth 
the  devil  Infidelis,  and  all  his  train,  to  public  execution. 
But  I  am  always  well  befriended  by  the  people  of  the  house, 
who,  for  the  most  part,  tell  him  that  neither  Infidelis,  nor 
any  of  his  train,  live  with  them,  and  that  his  excellency 
must  needs  have  mistaken  the  door.  They  tell  him  he 
would  do  better  to  inquire  at  the  house  of  Tom  Drunkard, 
or  Jack  the  swearer,  where,  very  probably,  say  they,  that 
evil  spirit  may  dwell. 

This  is  often  the  beginning  of  a  rupture  betwixt  him  and 
Ihem ;  for  he  is  not  to  be  so  easily  deceived.  He  shooteth 
his  burning  arrows  with  deathly  vengeance  in  at  the  wm- 
dows,  against  the  people  of  the  house,  whom  I  exhort,  by 
all  possible  means,  to  resist  to  the  last  extremity.  Never 
did  you  see  the  warlike  Corsicans  exert  themselves  with 
such  ardor  in  defence  of  their  liberties,  as  my  subjects  in 
defence  of  my  government. 

Sometimes  they  so  besmear  his  heavenly  face,  with  the 
filth  they  tlirow  upon  hhn,  calling  him  severe  tyrant,  covet- 


OF    DEVILS.  115 

COS  extortioner,  unjust  villain,  and  the  like,  that  he  gives 
over  tlie  assault,  and  leaves  tljcm  to  my  ([uiet  posses^sion. 
Then  I  take  my  seal,  and  seal  them  to  destruction.  For  you 
must  know,  it  is  but  in  some  places  he  exerts  his  unfrus- 
trable  influenca 

It  is  likewise  observable,  that  although  my  subjects  will 
give  Moses  a  good  character,  while  he  keeps  at  a  distance 
from  them,  every  one  will  fight  to  the  knees  in  blood,  when 
assaulted  by  him,  ere  they  submit ;  so  fond  are  they  of  my 
person  and  government.  Sometimes  it  hath  happened,  that 
by  irresistible  force,  he  hath  broken  open  the  doors,  seized 
the  people  of  the  liouse  by  the  collar,  dragged  them  to 
the  brink  of  a  pit  called  Despondency,  into  w^hich  he  tum- 
bled them  headlong,  and  left  them  shut  up  in  that  dreary 
dungeon. 

As  soon  as  he  is  departed,  I  go  to  work,  and  turn  some 
neigliboring  brook  into  the  pit,  with  a  design  to  drown 
them,  or  throw  down  earth,  stones,  &c.  on  purpose  to 
smother  them ;  and  so  I  continue  to  pester  and  disturb 
them,  until  1  am  frightened  away  by  the  sound  of  Immanu- 
el's  trumpet,  as  he  himself  approaches  for  their  deliverance : 
for  you  must  know,  I  cannot  stand  my  ground,  but  take  to 
my  heels,  when  he  appears.  Many  a  time  do  I  hear  myself 
cursed  for  an  hellish  brat,  even  by  those  who,  but  very  late- 
ly, would  have  risked  life  and  fortune,  and,  with  the  great- 
est bravery,  fought  in  the  cause  of  prince  Infidelis.  But  as 
soon  as  they  obtain  a  glimpse  of  Immanuel's  glory,  they 
have  done  with  my  yoke,  and  I  lose  their  affection  for  ever. 

However,  as  I  cannot  endure  tliat  rational  scripture  light 
should  shine  into  the  hearts  of  men,  I  have  often  been  puz- 
zled to  find  out  proper  methods  to  resist  the  power  of  Mose-s ; 
for  he  is  excessively  turbulent  sometimes,  and  frighteneth 
my  subjects  into  a  pretended  service  of  his  Lord.  In  order 
to  appease  him,  the  sons  of  men  agreed  to  build  a  temple, 
and  dedicate  it  to  the  Most  High ;  rather  choosing  to  wor- 
ship him,  than  be  destroyed  by  the  artillery  of  Sinai.  Ac- 
cordingly, to  work  they  went,  and  built  a  sumptuous  dome 
for  divine  worship,  in  order  to  stop  the  mouth  of  that  never- 
ceasing  accuser.  Now,  thought  I,  things  are  likely  to  take 
an  awkward  turn  with  me  ;  if  this  worship  is  not  interrupted, 
I  shall  lose  many  of  my  present  slaves.  So  I  put  my  plod- 
ding brain  to  the  tortur^^jB  order  to  find  out  proper  metiiods 


116  DIALOGUES 

of  prevention ;  and  I  can  tell  you,  gentlemen,  I  went  wisely 
to  work.  You  remember  that,  Avaro,  for  you  were  my 
helper. 

The  case  was  this.  We  prepared  the  image  of  a  woman, 
fair  and  beautiful  to  the  eye ;  she  was  inwardly  made  of 
clay,  and  outwardly  adorned  with  the  appearance  of  bur- 
nished gold.  In  her  right  hand  was  a  regal  sceptre,  titles 
of  state,  and  plumes  of  honor,  &c.  In  her  left  she  carried 
a  heavy  purse  of  money,  and  a  casket  of  oriental  jewels. 
Upon  her  head  was  an  Imperial  crown,  studded  with  spark- 
ling gems,  which  dazzled  the  eyes  of  beholders,  whilst  they 
read  the  following  motto,  which  was  written  in  all  lan- 
guages on  her  foreliead,  "I  am  the  mistress  of  the  whole 
world."  We  secretly  conveyed  this  image  into  one  corner 
of  the  temple,  and  placed  it  in  such  a  manner  as  to  be  seen 
of  all  who  entered. 

I  soon  perceived,  that  the  bait  was  suitably  drest,  and  our 
idol  had  charms  enough  to  attract  the  attention  of  the  people. 
Ha,  ha,  ha,  you  would  have  laughed,  until  your  sides  were 
tired,  had  you  been  there,  to  see  how  the  slaves  looked 
asquint  upon  the  idol,  as  they  approached  the  altar  of  God. 
Ay,  and,  in  the  midst  of  their  devotion,  how  they  cast  the 
tail  of  their  eye  towards  the  place  where  she  stood.  After 
their  worship  was  over,  O  how  they  bowed  and  cringed  be- 
fore her  ladyship !  The  very  parson  himself  did  her  humble 
reverence,  and  many  times  embraced  her  in  the  most  affec- 
tionate manner.  Then  said  I,  "A  fig  for  Moses  and  all  his 
threatening.     I  have  the  slaves  as  fast  as  ever." 

Impiator.  Indeed,  sire,  you  played  the  devil  with  them 
then.  But  what  said  Moses  ?  Did  he  calmly  yield  the  de- 
bate? 

Infidelis.  No,  no,  he  is  none  of  your  easy  tempered 
people,  I  assure  you.  His  eagle  eye  soon  discovered  the 
cheat,  and  as  soon  did  he  resolve  on  vengeance,  as  appeared 
by  the  event.  Laden  with  burning  fagots,  he  came  to  the 
temple,  and,  roaring  like  many  thunders,  he  said,  the  flashes 
of  lightning  bursting  as  he  spake,  "This  people  draweth 
near  to  me  with  their  lips,  but  their  hearts  are  far  from  me. 
Put  away  from  among  you  that  accursed  evil,  and  worship 
the  Lord  with  your  souls,  as  well  as  your  bodies,  with  your 
hearts  as  well  as  your  voices,  or  look  for  destruction,  even 
in  the  embraces  of  your  idol." 


OF    DEVILS.  117 

This  said,  he  hurled  his  brands  amongst  the  people,  and 
terribly  disturbed  many  of  them.  Indeed  it  was  something 
alarming  to  see  them  look  so  ghastly,  and  tremble  at  his 
fearful  menaces.  In  their  first  alarm,  they  were  for  re- 
moving the  goddess  out  of  tlie  temple,  for  fear  of  immediate 
destruction ;  but  being  a  little  recovered  from  their  fright, 
the  far  greater  part  found  such  relentings  towards  her  lady- 
ship, that  they  could  not  bear  the  thoughts  of  parting  with 
her ;  believing  still,  in  despite  of  Moses,  that  her  comely 
presence  was  highly  necessary,  to  render  religion  tolerable  ; 
and  rather  than  part  with  her,  they  resolved  to  part  with  the 
temple  of  God  itself. 

Some  few  of  them,  indeed,  were  resolute  for  her  removal, 
deeming  the  urgent  command  of  the  heavenly  accuser  not 
at  all  unreasonable ;  but  their  company  was  very  inconsid- 
erable, and  their  strength  inadequate  to  the  enterprise. 
Wlien  they  attempted  to  remove  her,  they  could  not  so 
much  as  move  her  feet  off  from  the  pedestal ;  and  notwith- 
standing the  command  was  urgent,  the  far  greater  part  of 
the  people  could  not  help,  even  in  the  midst  of  their  devo- 
tion, looking  towards  the  idol,  with  an  approving  counte- 
nance ;  and  there  she  stands  to  this  day,  adored  by  most, 
and  a  snare  even  to  the  virtuous  and  good. 

AvARO.  Great  and  manifold  are  the  services  which  that 
ornamented  idol  had  done  to  our  government,  among  both 
preachers  and  others;  for  many  of  the  sacerdotal  tribe  have 
not  the  least  view  in  their  preaching,  beyond  a  genteel  liv- 
ing, and  further  preferment;  to  which  end,  adulation  and 
flattery  is  more  studied  than  the  gospel.  If  they  can  but 
get  the  world  to  smile  upon  them,  they  desire  no  more. 
Give  them  riches  and  honor,  they  may  preach  the  gospel 
who  will,  for  them.  Let  the  people  only  pay  their  dues 
punctually,  they  may  choose,  for  the  parson,  whether  they 
will  serve  God  or  the  devil,  whether  they  will  go  to  heaven 
or  hell.     Brave  days,  gentlemen  ! 

Infidelis.  Yes,  Avaro,  the  tunes  are  not  to  be  complained 
of;  nor  indeed  have  they  been  bad  for  many  hundreds  of 
years,  if  circumstances  are  duly  attended  to.  But  to  my 
story.  In  process  of  time,  men  became  sensible,  that  un- 
less the  heart  were  fixed  upon  God,  in  acts  of  religious 
worship,  their  services  could  not  be  acceptable ;  but  how  to 
fix  them  they  could  not  find.     Being  afraid  the  result  of 


118  DIALOGUES 

their  inquiries  might  prove  dangerous  to  my  interest,  if  not 
interrupted,  I  advised  them  to  make  to  themselves  repre- 
sentations of  God,  in  wood,  stone,  brass,  or  iron,  but  rather 
of  silver  or  gold,  alleging  that,  the  more  valuable  the  metal, 
the  more  acceptable  the  sacrifice  would  be. 

The  sons  of  men  no  sooner  heard,  than  approved  of  my 
scheme,  and  resolved  fortliwith  to  put  it  in  execution.  Then, 
ere  you  were  aware,  every  village  was  furnished  with  one  or 
two  god-makers ;  a  set  of  artificers,  from  whom  our  present 
saint-makers  in  Italy,  Spain,  Portugal,  &c.  are  descended ; 
for  modern  times  have  not  changed,  but  only  given  a  dif- 
ferent name  to  this  craft,  by  which  the  popish  parsons  get 
their  wealth. 

But,  alas !  having  never  seen  the  shape  of  God,  at  any 
time,  they  were  obliged  to  form  their  images  in  the  mould 
of  their  own  fancies,  which  being  various,  it  came  to  pass 
that  m  one  place  the  invisible  Deity  was  likened  to  an  old 
man  with  a  venerable  long  beard,  grasping  a  bunch  of  reeds, 
which  they  called  thunder.  In  another  place  he  was  repre- 
sented as  half  man  and  half  beast;  yea,  so  various  were  the 
fancies  of  the  artists,  that  in  one  place  God  Almighty  w^as 
made  like  a  fish,  in  another  like  an  eagle  or  hawk,  and  in 
another  like  a  log  of  wood,  and  indeed  sometimes  like  a 
beast  with  four  feet.  So  very  briskly  was  this  trade  carried 
on,  that  all  who  were  able  to  buy,  had,  in  a  few  years,  one 
or  more  god  almighties,  of  man's  making,  in  their  own 
houses.  The  very  same  as  our  good  friends  the  papists, 
have  got  almost  every  one  a  savior  in  his  pocket  or  chamber. 
In  the  holy  Roman  church,  you  may  find  in  every  house,  a 
Jesus  Christ  of  one  kind  or  another;  for  there  be  many 
sorts  of  Jesus  Christs,  as  golden  Jesus  Christs,  silver  Jesus 
Christs,  wooden,  and  even  paper  Jesus  Christs,  all  made 
with  as  much  craft  as  the  ancient  pagan  gods. 

AvARO.  That  trade  of  shrine-making  among  the  papists, 
is  a  good  sort  of  trade ;  but  I  can  tell  you,  it  falls  far  short 
of  the  craft  of  saint-worshipping,  by  which  the  priests  get 
their  wealth.  Many  a  wooden  saint  there  is  in  the  holy 
church,  which  hath  brought  into  the  priests'  treasury  above 
six  times  its  weight  in  gold.  And  indeed  the  pagan  priests 
reaped  equal  benefit  from  tiieir  gods ;  from  whence  we  learn 
that  priestcraft  hath  been  the  same  in  all  ages. 

Infidelis.     Some  people  there  were,  of  more  refined 


OF   DEVILS.  119 

ftnowledge  tlian  their  neighbors,  who  advised  against  the 
trade  of  god-making,  saying,  "  We  must  not  bow  down  to 
graven  nor  molten  images,  nor  in  any  wise  worship  them." — 
My  priests,  according  to  my  directions,  answered  as  fol- 
lows :  "  It  is  not  the  image  which  you  worship,  nor  do  you 
at  all  bow  your  knee  to  it ;  but  being  emblematic  of  the 
divine  presence,  it  greatly  assists  you  in  your  devotion." 
This  learned  reasoning  calmed  tlie  consciences  of  most  of 
the  dissenters,  won  them  over  to  the  religion  by  law  estab- 
lished, and  greatly  wrought  for  the  good  of  the  church. 

DiscoRDANS.  Why,  sir,  that  is  the  very  apology  which 
the  papists  make  for  image  worship,  relic  adoration,  &c. 
but  indeed  it  is  no  wonder,  seeing  their  religion  is  one  and 
the  same  with  that  of  the  pagans. 

Infidelis.  Some  few  there  were,  rigid  nonconformists, 
who  insisted  that  God  must  be  worshipped  in  spirit  and  in 
truth ;  insisted  that  all  idolatrous  lumber  should  be  cast  out 
of  the  temple;  by  which  the  worthy  clergymen,  of  that 
age,  were  so  grievously  galled,  that  they  were  forced,  in 
a  pious  and  tender  manner,  first  to  give  up  the  heretics  to 
the  devil  and  then  put  the  flesh  to  death  for  the  salvation 
of  the  soul :  in  the  very  same  manner  (and  for  much  the 
same  cause)  as  the  holy  Romish  fathers  excommunicated 
and  burned  the  Protestants.  But  the  devil  knows,  by  his 
experience,  that  the  church  has  not  half  the  power  she  pre- 
tends to ;  for  out  of  the  vast  numbers,  which  she  hath  gen- 
erously given  to  him,  it  is  but  a  very  few  he  hath  been  able 
to  receive.  Notwithstanding,  both  the  pagan,  papal,  and 
other  churches,  have  hereby  shown  the  good  will,  which, 
all  along,  they  have  borne  to  him  and  his  interest. 

Having  fairly  introduced  idolatry,  I  tried,  if  possible,  to 
lead  men  further  off  from  their  JNIaker  still ;  and  for  this 
end,  I  brought  in  gods  and  goddesses,  a  numerous  train. 
For  instance,  if  any  man  was  more  remarkable  than  others, 
for  murdering  his  neighbors,  or  for  giving  large  gifts  to  the 
church,  that  is,  the  clergy,  I  got  him  deified  as  soon  as  he 
died,  and  had  worship  offered  to  him,  in  the  same  degree 
with  saint-worship  in  the  church  of  Rome ;  for  saint-wor- 
ship and  hero-worship,  differ  only  in  name. 

Indeed,  it  is  but  doing  justice  to  saints,  in  the  Romish 
calendar,  to  observe,  that  the  greatest  part  of  them  obtain 
ed  tlieir  saintship  for  murdering  of  princes,  massacrmg 


120  DIALOGUES 

Protestants,  robbing  their  heirs  for  tlie  good  of  the  church, 
or  for  raving  mad  enthusiasm.  Well,  I  went  on  and  pros- 
pered, until  I  had  brought  all  the  world,  a  few  individuals 
excepted,  to  worship  the  works  of  the  mason,  carpenter, 
blacksmith,  or  founder.  Encourage  but  any  trade,  and  it  is 
sure  to  prosper :  the  god-making  trade,  being  universally 
encouraged,  prospered  exceedingly;  for  in  a  little  time 
there  were  national  gods,  much  the  same  with  the  seven 
champions  of  Christendom ;  provincial  gods ;  county  gods ; 
parish  gods ;  and  even  household  gods,  to  the  great  emolu- 
ment of  the  clergy.  I  think,  gentlemen,  you  must  all  allow, 
that  I  have  not  spent  my  time  in  idleness  among  mankind. 

Fastosus.  No,  no,  brother,  idleness  don't  suit  you  and 
me.  We  will  leave  it  to  foolish  men  and  women  so  to 
spend  their  lives ;  but  we  will  fulfil  the  old  proverb  used 
among  them,  viz.  The  devil  is  never  idle.  Let  them  enjoy 
their  idleness  in  this  world ;  we  shall  very  likely  find  them 
enough  to  do  in  the  next. 

Infidelis.  I  think  it  is  something  more  than  seventeen 
hundred  and  sixty  years  ago  that  I  had  a  trial  of  a  very  ex- 
traordinary nature  to  grapple  with,  such  as  I  never  had  be- 
fore then,  nor  ever  shall  encounter  while  I  breathe  the  sul- 
phurous smoke  of  the  pit.  Oh,  it  was  a  sore  trial,  gentle- 
men. Immanuel,  a  very  dear  lover  of  men,  having  sat  on 
the  circle  of  heaven  for  near  four  thousand  years,  with 
much  relenting  of  mind,  and  longings  for  human  happiness, 
from  thence  beheld  the  dreadful  havoc  I  made  in  the  world, 
rendering  the  whole  posterity  of  Adam  the  children  of 
wrath.  Often  did  he  call  to  the  inhabitants  of  the  earth  to 
take  me  up,  and  burn  me  for  a  witch ;  but  they  were  too 
much  my  friends  to  regard  his  advice:  and,  indeed,  had 
they  regarded  it,  it  would  have  been  an  undertaking  such 
as  tliey  could  not  execute  without  auxiliary  strength.  He 
sat  long,  and  long  he  wondered  that  there  was  no  friend,  to 
help  against  so  potent  an  adversary;  when  at  last  he  saw 
there  were  none  to  help,  he  arose  from  his  jasper  seat,  and 
in  a  transport  of  love,  declared  that  his  own  arm  should 
bring  salvation.  According  to  this  high  determination,  he 
dismantled  himself  of  the  robes  of  manifest  glory,  laid  aside 
Jiis  imperial  diadem,  which  irradiates  all  the  coasts  of  light, 
posted  down  to  this  world,  on  the  wings  of  compassion,  re- 
solved to  encounter  me  by  dying. 


OF    DEVILS.  121 

Alarmed  at  such  an  unprecedented  enterprise,  I  dispatch- 
ed our  swift- winged  courier,  with  all  possible  speed,  to  hell, 
to  inform  my  great  father,  and  the  infernal  divan,  of  the  as- 
tonishing event.  As  soon  as  Fame  reported  her  story,  the 
monarch  summoned  his  peers,  to  meet  him  in  the  flaming 
council  chamber,  there  to  deliberate  on  the  matter;  and 
having  maturely  weighed  every  circumstance  of  it,  it  was 
resolved  to  dispatch  the  devil  Malevolus  to  Fastosus  and 
me,  with  direction*  suitable  to  the  occasion.  That  he,  with 
Ambitiosus,  Perfidla,  Falax,  and  me,  should  take  up  our 
residence  at  Jerusalem,  with  the  scribes,  pharisees,  and 
doctors  of  the  law.  We  immediately  obeyed  our  instruc- 
tions, and  succeeded  admirably  in  our  embassy.  At  the 
same  time,  Crudelis  and  Concupiscentia  were  appointed 
plenipotentiaries  to  the  tetrarchical  court  of  Galilee,  where 
they  received  infallible  testimonies  of  Herod's  esteem. 

Against  the  time  that  Immanuel  was  to  be  revealed, 
Herod  admitted  our  cousin  Suspiciosus  to  frequent  audi- 
ences, of  which  the  devil  Crudelis,  to  his  everlasting  honor, 
greatly  availed  himself  He  persuaded  the  tetrarch,  that, 
for  his  own  safety,  it  was  highly  necessary  he  should  kill, 
destroy,  and  cause  to  perish,  all  the  children  in  Bethlehem, 
from  two  years  old,  and  under,  in  order  that  young  Imman- 
uel, who  was  formerly  called  the  Ancient  of  Days,  might 
be  involved  in  the  general  massacre.  This  was  the  opening 
of  our  evangelic  campaign;  since  which  time,  we  have 
caused  the  shedding  of  as  much  Christian  blood,  as,  if  col- 
lected into  one  mass,  would  make  a  tide  as  deep  as  ever  was 
seen  at  London-bridge. 

At  this  time  there  appeared  one  John  Baptist,  a  zealous 
Nazarene,  and  harbinger  to  Immanuel.  He  was  likely  to 
do  great  injury  to  our  interest;  therefore  it  was  thought 
best  to  have  him  destroyed,  which,  by  thy  means,  Discor- 
dans,  we  happily  accomplished  in  part.  Perhaps,  Discordans, 
you  can  give  a  better  account  of  that  affair  than  I,  as  you 
were  more  deeply  concerned  in  it. 

Discordans.  I  do  not  know  that,  uncle ;  but  I  am  ready 
to  tell  you  what  hand  I  had  in  it.  You  all  know  the  man, 
and  a  trusty  friend  of  ours  he  was,  as  any  in  his  day.  You 
know  he  most  inordinately  loved  Herodias,  his  own  brother 
Philip's  wife ;  and  by  the  direction  of  our  friend  Concupis- 
centia, he  added  incest  to  his  adultery,  by  takmg  her  to  his 

Li 


122  DIALOGUES 

bed.  It  was  about  this  time,  that  this  famous  Baptist,  the 
founder  of  the  sect  called  by  his  name,  began  his  public 
ministry ;  and,  fearless  of  man,  exclaimed  against  all  manner 
of  uncleanliness ;  for  he  was  faithful  to  his  commission. 
Well,  this  same  austere  Baptist  took  occasion  one  day,  in 
the  following  manner,  to  reprove  the  tetrarch  for  his  lewd- 
ness; "Herod,  said  he,  the  God  who  made  thee,  hath,  for 
his  own  glory,  exalted  thee  to  the  tetrarchical  dignity ;  but, 
far  from  studying  his  honor,  thou  actest  most  unworthily, 
and  turnest  his  goodness  to  thee  into  wantonness.  Dost  not 
thou  know,  that  the  same  God  who  made  thee  ruler  in  Gal- 
ilee, hath  said,  "  Thou  shalt  not  commit  adultery."  Put  her 
therefore  away  from  thee ;  if  thou  dost  not,  thou  must  ex- 
pect, that  the  Most  High  will  mingle  for  thee  the  cup  of 
his  indignation." 

I  was  then  at  the  court  of  Galilee,  and  did  not  fail  to  im- 
prove the  Baptist's  admonition  to  the  most  fatal  purposes.  I 
transformed  myself  into  the  likeness  of  a  grave  courtier,  a 
form  very  familiar  to  me,  went  up  to  the  king,  and  held  my 
inverting  mirror  before  his  eyes,  bidding  him  to  take  a  full 
view  of  the  matter  thus.  As  my  humble  servant  he  did  as 
I  directed,  and  immediately  said,  "I  perceive  this  field- 
preacher,  this  same  Baptist,  is  an  enemy  to  the  Roman  go- 
vermnent,  and,  because  I  am  a  friend  to  Csesar,  he  hath 
taken  this  advantage  against  me  doubtless  to  prejudice  the 
minds  of  the  people,  either  to  the  divesting  me  of  the  te- 
trarchical power,  or  to  the  subversion  of  Csesar's  govern- 
ment" 

When  I  had  brought  him  thus  to  misconstrue  the  honest 
designs  of  the  Baptist,  I  held  my  partial  telescope  to  his 
eye,  through  which  he  looked  with  great  attention,  and  as 
he  looked  said,  "  What  a  presumptuous  wretch  is  this,  to 
take  upon  him  to  reprove  me !  Me,  who  am  his  lord  and 
master,  and  can  soon  destroy  both  him  and  his  fathers 
house.  Must  Herod  be  reproved  by  this  despicable  fellow 
with  the  rough  garment?  Is  it  now  so  low  with  Cfpsar's 
deputy,  the  tetrarch  of  Galilee,  that  he  must  mildly  bear 
the  insolence  of  every  snarling  peasant!  No,  it  is  inconsis- 
tent with  our  dignity,  to  let  such  daring  boldness  pass  with 
impunity.  If  a  courtier,  or  nobleman  clothed  in  soft  rai- 
ment, had  taken  a  little  liberty  with  me,  it  might  have  been 
borne.     But  for  this  field-preacher !     This  Baptist,  liah !" 


OF    DEVILS.  123 

By  this  time  the  great  Revenge,  that  famous  devil, 
whose  history  is  so  tragical,  thought  it  time  for  him  to  ap- 
pear at  court,  and  as  soon  as  he  judged  it  convenient,  thus 
accosted  the  offended  king.  "  My  lord  the  king,  if  your 
highness  suffers  such  insolence  as  this  to  go  unpunished, 
your  nobles  will  contemn  you ;  every  paltry  priest  will  say. 
Yonder  goes  the  incestuous  Herod ;  ay,  the  very  publicans 
and  Herodians  will  allege,  that  you  are  unwo'rtliy  of  the 
dignity  you  sustain,  and  all  will  censure  your  pusillanimity, 
ill  letting  such  daring  insolence  pass  with  impunity.  Re- 
member, my  lord,  that  if  wide-mouthed  fame  should,  as  is 
very  likely,  report  the  matter  in  Caesar's  ear,  it  is  ten  to 
one  but  he  will  cashier  you,  either  for  your  reputed  incest, 
or  your  want  of  magnanimity.  Sir,  for  your  honor's  sake, 
cast  John  into  prison."  Herod  was  easily  persuaded,  and 
John  was  committed  to  jail. 

On  mature  deliberation,  however,  he  was  afraid  of  put- 
ting him  to  death,  for  he  knew  that  th€  people  had  a  good 
ophiion  of  the  renowned  Baptist;  therefore  he  lived  in 
prison,  notwithstanding  Revenge  made  daily  solicitation  for 
his  blood.  On  every  occasion  when  he  met  with  Herod,  he 
thus  accosted  him,  "Well,  sir,  is  the  Baptist  dead  yet? 
What  I  not  yet,  sir  ]  What  do  you  mean  by  sparing  him  so 
long,  sir  ]  I  assure  you,  sir,  he  ought  to  die  for  his  inso- 
lence. Sir,  his  crime  is  no  less  than  high  treason  against 
your  person."    Thus  he  plied  him  daily. 

It  happened,  at  a  certain  time,  that  Herod  made  a  great 
festival  in  honor  of  his  own  name,  which  festival  proved 
fatal  to  the  innocent  Baptist ;  for,  ever  since  he  had  given 
offence,  the  devil  Revenge  had  taken  up  his  lodgings  with 
Herodias  the  tetrarehess.  She  very  well  knew  how  fool- 
ishly precipitate  Herod  was  wont  to  be  in  his  wine,  and 
how  much  his  eye  was  to  be  allured  with  a  well-performed 
^dance,  €>specialiy  if  performed  by  a  handsome  young  lady. 
Not  at  all  doubting  but  Herod ina  her  daughter,  would  cap- 
tivate the  king,  so  far  as  to  bring  about  the  much  desired 
death  of  John  Baptist,  she  decked  her  in  superb  array,  in- 
structed her  what  to  ask,  if  he  should  be  pleased  with  hef, 
then  led  her  into  the  hall,  where  Herod  and  his  nobles  were 
carousing-  There  she  footed  the  hornpipe  with  such  ex- 
actness, that  the  mistaken  eye  of  the  tetrarch  took  her  for 
a  divinity,  and  swore  that  he  would  offer  a  great  sacrifice 


124  DIALOGUES 

to  her,  to  the  value  of  one-half  of  his  kingdom,  if  her  high- 
ness would  only  deign  to  inform  him  what  sacrifices  were 
most  acceptable  to  her.  She  replied,  "  Human  sacrifices  are 
my  delight.  Give  me  then  the  Baptist's  head  in  a  charger." 

Now  there  began  a  horrid  scuffle  in  the  tetrarch's  breast. 
If  he  fulfilled  not  his  oath,  he  thought  he  lost  his  reputation 
with  his  nobles,  who  sat  at  table  with  him ;  and  if  he  did 
behead  John  Baptist,  according  to  his  oath,  he  exposed  him- 
self to  the  resentment  of  the  people. 

In  the  midst  of  this  scuffle,  in  came  Revenge,  and  ad- 
dressed the  king — "  I  assure  you,  sir,  Jolm  deserves  a  thou- 
sand deaths,  for  his  insolence  to  your  highness."  "  Besides, 
said  Fastosus,  who  was  then  at  court,  the  great  tetrarch 
hath  no  way  left  but  this  to  preserve  his  own  character  un- 
blamed."  Then  cried  Herod,  "  Who  will  go  for  us  to  prison, 
and  behead  the  Baptist."  To  which  Crudelis  replied,  "  Here 
am  I,  send  me."  Accordingly,  having  obtained  Herod's  con- 
sent, (for  we  can  do  nothing  against  mankind  but  by  their 
own  consent,)  he  went  and  beheaded  Immanuel's  harbmger. 

Thus,  gentlemen,  you  see,  that  by  my  famous  instru- 
ments, false  reasoning  and  prejudice,  I  cause  offence  to  be 
taken  where  there  is  none  intended.  John  only  fiilfilled  his 
divine  mission,  and  sought  the  good  of  the  tetrarch,  by  call- 
ing him  to  repentance ;  but  my  mirror  interpreted  his  hon- 
esty into  treachery  and  insolence ;  which  clearly  shows  that 
it  changeth  the  appearance,  quite  contrary  to  the  nature  of 
things.  But,  reverend  uncle,  I  prevent  your  proceeding  with 
your  story. 

Infidelis.  The  cumbersome  Baptist  thus  dispatched,  we 
united  all  our  forces  against  Immanuel  himself,  who  was  by 
the  Jews  called  Jesus  of  Nazareth.  Many  were  the  con- 
ferences which  we  had  with  the  Jewish  rabbins,  doctors, 
priests,  scribes,  and  pharisees,  in  which  all  our  debates  turned 
upon  that  object  of" our  common  hatred.  The  high-priest, 
Fastosus,  Male  vol  us,  and  me,  were  always  placed  at  the 
head  of  the  assembly,  and  every  article  was  finally  referred 
to  us  for  decision.  The  venerable  high-priest  addressing 
himself  to  me,  asked  what  I  thought  concerning  the  pre- 
tensions of  this  Galilean  ]  To  whom  I  replied,  "  If  it  please 
your  reverence,  I  think  he  is  an  arrant  impostor ;  for  his 
father  you  know,  and  his  mother  you  know,  his  brethren 
and  sisters  are  they  not  all  with  you  1  But,  continued  I,  when 


OF   DEVILS.  125 

Messiah  shall  come,  no  man  can  tell  whence  he  Cometh, 
nor  whither  he  goeth."  Gentlemen,  you  will  always  know 
my  style  by  its  elegance,  wherever  you  meet  with  it,  should 
it  be  even  in  the  volume  of  revelation.       '  . . ,        ••.  -,,^- 

Fastosus.  I  well  remember  these  things,  and  the  learned 
oration  which,  at  that  time,  1  made  in  tlie  Sanhedrim ;  and 
now  we  are  associated  in  such  a  friendly  manner,  I  have  a 
good  mind  to  repeat  it  to  you.  -You  have  it  in  the  follow- 
ing manner :  "  Hearken  to  me,  ye  righteous  teachers  of  the 
law,  the  virtuous  governors  of  the  Lord's  inheritance,  and 
I  will  unfold  to  you  a  just  state  of  the  matter.  You  all  know 
that  the  expected  Messiah  shall  descend  from  a  virgin  prin- 
cess, of  the  lineage  of  David ;  but  is  tuis  the  son  of  a  prin- 
cess ]  Is  his  mother  a  virgin,  being  the  v.ile  of  a  carpen- 
ter ?"  Here  you  will  observe  how  I  led  them  off  from  the 
truth,  by  attending  to  appearances  rather  than  reality;  for 
Mary,  the  mother  of  Jesus,  was  actually  a  princess  of  the 
line  of  David,  though  obscure,  and  actually  a  virgin  when 
he  was  conceived,  though  after  that  the  wife  of  a  carpen- 
ter. Every  circumstance  attending  his  birth,  corresponded 
exactly  with  ancient  predictions  recorded  in  the  Bible; 
though,  by  the  way,  it  was  by  no  means  suited  to  the  ex- 
pectation of  the  Jews.  But,  to  my  great  mortification,  I 
must  confess,  that  although  the  great  men  of  the  earth  re- 
jected him,  the  angels  of  heaven  descended  to  hymn  their 
new-born  Lord.  The  constellations  of  the  firmament  showed 
forth  the  birth  of  Messiah.  Eastern  sages  heard  the  pro- 
clamation of  the  stars,  and  came  to  the  city  of  Bethlehem, 
to  offer  oblations  to  the  incarnate  source  of  life. 

So  very  clear  indeed  are  the  Old  Testament  prophecies, 
concernmg  this  aflfair,  that  the  generality  of  the  Jews  were, 
at  that  time,  in  full  expectation  of  the  coming  of  Messiah ; 
therefore  it  required  great  address  sufficiently  to  blind  their 
eyes,  that  they  should  not  see  and  know  him  when  he  came, 
to  which  purpose  my  speech  was  wonderfiilly  adapted. 
"  You  know,  and  all  the  holy  rabbins  know,  continued  I, 
that  Messiah  shall  come  in  power  and  great  glory ;  shall 
break  the  iron  yoke  of  Roman  servitude  from  off  your  necks, 
and  exalt  the  throne  of  David,  his  illustrious  ancestor,  high 
above  the  thrones  of  the  kings  of  the  earth,  giving  to  his 
happy  subjects  dominion  and  great  glory,  subjecting  to  your 
government  all  those  who  wish  your  destruction.  Worthy 
L2 


126  DIALOGUES 

assembly,  said  I,  you  have  chosen  the  great  Fastosus  as  your 
president  and  director.  Hearken,  therefore,  to  me,  and  I 
will  show  you  my  opinion,  concerning  your  expected  Mes- 
siah, and  his  appearance  among  you.  It  is  most  probable, 
that  when  he  comes,  he  will  be  born  of  illustrious  parents, 
in  the  family  of  David,  and  when  grown  mature  in  years, 
you  may  expect  to  see  meet  in  him,  a  combination  of  all 
great  and  good  qualities.  By  his  wisdom  and  prowess,  he 
will  rekindle  the  martial  spirit  of  the  Jewish  warriors,  lead- 
ing the  armies  of  Israel  to  glory  and  conquest,  and  his  throne 
shall  be  exalted  above  all  the  kingdoms  of  the  earth.  You 
may  therefore  expect  that  when  Messiah  shall  come  to  your 
deliverance,  you  shall  see  an  illustrious  prince,  attended  by 
a  warlike  retinue,  breathing  vengeance  against  your  ene- 
mies. But  can  this  be  him  7  could  the  Messiah,  think  you, 
find  nobody  but  poor  shepherds  to  be  the  publishers  of  his 
birth  1  More  likely,  if  Jesus  had  indeed  been  the  Messiah, 
he  would  have  made  choice  of  your  reverences  for  his  her- 
alds. Can  it  ever  be  supposed,  my  venerable  rabbins,  that 
an  obscure  person,  attended  by  a  few  despicable  fishermen, 
can  have  any  legal  pretensions  to  the  vacant  throne  of  illus- 
trious David  ]  Or  can  it  ever  be  thought,  that  the  son  of  a 
Galilean  carpenter,  attended  by  a  few  of  the  riff-raff  of  the 
people,  is  likely  to  restore  the  kingdom  to  Israel  ] 

Besides,  continued  I,  let  him  be  what  he  may,  it  would 
bring  dishonor  on  the  princes  of  Israel,  should  they  submit 
to  be  governed  by  the  son  of  a  mechanic. 

Who  knows  but  the  coming  of  Messiah  may  be  yet  more 
glorious,  and  ye  shall  see  the  heavens  open  over  your  heads, 
he  shall  appear  in  the  firmament,  guarded  on  right  and  left 
by  innumerable  battalions  of  armed  seraphs,  with  whom  he 
may  descend  and  stand  upon  the  mount  of  Olives,  before  he 
shall  make  his  triumphant  entry  into  the  holy  metropolis 
of  Jewry.  Then  shall  he  dispatch  his  flaming  soldiers,  with 
full  commission  to  kill,  destroy,  and  cause  to  perish  all  such 
stubborn  Gentiles,  who  refuse  to  submit  to  the  Jewish  em- 
pire, now  become  universal.  Your  enemies  all  destroyed, 
great  shall  be  your  felicity  and  glory,  for  he  shall  reign 
among  you  in  righteousness,  peace,  and  glorious  prosperity, 
unto  all  generations. 

To  whom,  my  worthy  rabbins,  will  he  come,  but  to  such 
a  generation  of  righteous  men  as  yourselves  1  Ye  yourselves 


or  DEVILS.  127 

are  witnesses  of  your  own  righteousness  and  devotion.  None 
say  longer  prayers ;  none  give  alms  more  publicly  than  you 
do.  So  great  is  your  zeal  for  religion,  that  ye  rob  widows' 
houses  for  the  good  of  the  church.  So  pious  your  example, 
tliat  my  life  for  it,  it  will  be  imitated  by  the  clergy  in  after 
ages.  Your  wicked  ancestors  fell  very  far  short  of  your  piety ; 
for  they  killed  the  prophets,  and  stoned  them  who  were  sent 
unto  them ;  but  your  reverences  so  far  abominate  their  mur- 
derous deeds,  that  you  build  and  beautify  their  sepulchres. 
You  may  safely  conclude,  that  you  are  the  righteous  gene- 
ration to  whom  the  Messiah  will  come."  Thus  I  swelled 
their  expectations  so  very  great,  that,  when  the  real  Mes- 
siah was  actually  among  them,  they  reviled  him  as  the  worst 
of  impostors. 

Infidelis.  The  great  Fastosus  and  me,  having  showed 
our  opinion,  the  devil  IMalevolus  was  humbly  requested  to 
speak  his  mind.  And  he,  by  this  time,  was  in  a  transport 
of  rage ;  boisterously  cried  out,  "Away  with  him  for  an  im- 
posing villain !  If  he  were  the  Messiah,  would  you  ever 
find  him  coming  out  of  Galilee !  Search,  and  you  will  see 
that  out  of  Galilee  ariseth  no  prophet ;  neither  can  any  good 
thing  come  from  thence.  Were  I  in  your  places,  I  would 
rather  be  subject  to  the  Romans  for  ever,  than  suffer  this 
fellow  to  reign  over  me.  I  hate  his  person ;  I  hate  his  at- 
tendants ;  I  hate  his  laws  and  doctrines ;  and,  above  all,  I 
hate  his  pretensions  to  the  crown  of  Israel.  It  were  low 
times  with  you  indeed,  if  an  obscure  carpenter  should  be 
exalted  to  the  throne,  to  reign  over  the  Lord's  inheritance." 

Fastosus.  It  is  time  for  us  to  attend  our  industrious  sub- 
jects.    Shall  we  meet  here  to-morrow,  at  noon,  as  usual  7 

All.  Agreed,  sir.     We  will  meet. 


128  DIALOGUES 

DIALOGUE  X. 

ALL  THE   DIALOGEANS   PRESENT. 

As  soon  as  the  infernal  gentry  decamped,  I  went  home, 
and  found  our  parish  priest  at  my  house.  I  thought  this  a 
good  opportunity  of  acquainting  him  with  my  adventure : 
but  he  concluded,  with  the  rest  of  my  neighbors,  that  my 
brain  was  disturbed,  and  that  those  imaginary  gentry  were 
only  the  fruits  of  distraction.  However,  as  I  thought  my- 
self capable  of  judging  between  imagination  and  reality,  I  left 
the  parson  to  his  mistake ;  went  to  my  closet  to  correct  what 
I  had  taken  down  in  the  former  part  of  the  day;  and  got  all 
ready  by  the  next  day  at  noon,  to  listen  to  the  sable  gentry. 
Exactly  at  noon  they  came ;  for  I  found  them  exceedingly 
punctual  one  with  another.  As  soon  as  they  were  seated  on 
their  ebon  thrones,  they  resumed  their  discourse ;  and  Inlide- 
lis  thus  began. 

Infibelis.  It  happened  that  the  venerable  rabbins  held 
another  council,  to  assist  at  which,  the  devils,  Falax  and 
Perfidiosus  were  invited.  In  this  august  assembly,  the  main 
thing  to  be  considered  was,  by  what  possible  means,  right  or 
wrong,  they  might  persecute  and  destroy  Jesus  of  Nazareth 
from  the  face  of  the  earth.  The  great  rabbins  and  doctors, 
by  this  time,  began  to  fear  that  if  some  decisive  step  was 
not  speedily  taken,  all  the  country  would  become  Nazarenes. 
This  induced  them  to  apply  to  those  worthy  spirits,  (who  are 
known  to  be  excellent  contrivers)  and  fervently  solicit  their 
assistance.  And,  as  they  are  by  no  means  bashful,  they  very 
soon  gave  the  high  sanhedrim  satisfacticm. 

"  Venerable  rabbins,  said  they,  we  are  apprehensive  that 
it  will  be  very  difficult  to  accomplish  any  thing  against  this 
Jesus  of  Nazareth,  unless  we  can  stir  up  enemies  against 
him,  among  those  of  his  own  household,  and  cause  some, 
who  eat  bread  at  his  table,  to  lift  up  their  heel  against 
him ;  for  you  all  know  his  conduct  is  perfectly  unblamable. 
Now  we  have,  at  no  great  distance,  a  notable  limb  of  the 
devil,  trained  up  in  all  the  mazes  of  deep  deceit  and  treach- 
ery, fitted  for  such  perdition.  Him  will  we  persuade  to  in- 
gratiate himself  into  the  favor  of  Jesus,  and  to  become  one 


OF   DEVILS.  129 

of  his  train.  When  this  is  done,  he  shall  act  the  traitor,  and 
betray  him  into  your  hands,  nothing  doubting  but  you  will 
then  take  care  to  destroy  his  life,  how  innocent  soever  he 
may  be." 

"  Certainly  we  will,  rejoined  the  high  priest ;  for  it  is  ex- 
pedient that  one  should  die  for  the  people."  Accordingly 
the  devil  was  dispatched  to  this  son  of  treachery,  whose  name 
was  Judas  Iscariot,  who,  being  a  plodding  covetous  man,  in 
hope  of  getting  a  bag  of  money,  took  his  instructions  from 
Perfidiosus,  went  and  joined  himself  to  the  train  of  Jesus, 
and  obtained  a  part  in  the  apostolic  ministry.  In  the  mean 
time,  we,  and  the  auxiliary  Jews,  did  all  in  our  power  to  pre- 
vent the  advancement  of  his  evangelic  kingdom,  by  bring- 
ing the  person  and  mmistry  of  Jesus  into  as  much  contempt 
as  possible.  We  represented  him  as  a  glutton,  a  drunkard,  a 
Samaritan,  a  wizard ;  and,  in  short,  every  thing  that  was 
bad.  His  doctrine  we  represen^d  as  subversive  of  the  law ; 
notwithstanding  we  knew  him  to  be  holy,  harmless,  and  un- 
defiled,  separate  from  sinners  ;  that  he  came  to  magnify  the 
law,  and  make  it  honorable.  Because  his  works  were  such 
as  carried  their  own  evidence  with  them,  and  which  could 
by  no  means  be  contested,  we  persuaded  many  of  the  Jews, 
that  they  were  performed  by  the  power  of  Beelzebub. 
Others,  who  were  better  informed,  being  stirred  up  by  the 
devil  Malevolus,  out  of  pure  malice,  fell  in  with  the  com- 
mon cry,  and  defamed  him  as  one  who  had  intercourse  with 
Satan ;  and  thus  they  sealed  themselves  ours ;  as  we  need 
never  fear  losing  a  man  after  he  is  capable  of  such  transac- 
tions. 

Impiator.  And  who  were  they  chiefly,  father,  who  thua 
acted  the  devil's  part  so  perfectly  as  to  sin  unpardonably  1 

Infidelis.  Not  the  vulgar,  who  knew  not  the  law,  I  assure 
you ;  but  men  of  priestly  reverence,  gentlemen  in  holy  or- 
ders, gentlemen  venerable  for  their  erudition  and  literature ; 
the  doctors  in  divinity,  the  scribes  of  the  law,  the  religious 
Pharisees  were  the  men,  and  their  descendants  have  in  every 
age  been  their  humble  imitators.  It  is  unknown  how  much 
the  devil  has  been  obliged  to  gentlemen  of  the  gown,  and 
to  scholiasts  in  general. 

It  happened,  in  process  of  time,  our  friend  Judas  found 
an  opportunity  to  betray  him  into  the  hands  of  the  principal 
priests,  for  the  goodly  reward  of  thirty  pieces  of  silver ;  for 


130  DIALOGUES 

even  Judas  would  not  serve  the  devil  for  nothing.  At  the 
same  time  my  son  Slavish  Fear,  who  is  a  spirit  of  gigantic 
stature,  fell  upon  and  routed  all  his  followers,  so  that  none 
of  them  remained  with  him  in  his  last  temptations.  As  soon 
as  Immanuel  was  seized  and  fettered,  they  led  him  in  tri- 
umph to  prison  and  judgment,  where  our  steady  friends, 
Hatred  and  Falshood,  were  appointed  witnesses  against  him 
in  behalf  of  the  commonwealth.  So  very  hard  did  they 
swear  against  him,  that  he  was  brought  in  guilty  of  death, 
as  had  been  agreed  on  beforehand.  As  soon  as  the  jury  of 
priests  brought  in  their  verdict,  the  devil  Crudelis,  and  Pi- 
late, who  sat  judge,  arose  and  gave  sentence  against  him ; 
which,  for  its  singularity,  I  shall  repeat. 

1.  That  the  Jewish  plowers  should  make  their  furrows 
long  and  deep  in  his  devoted  flesh. 

2.  That  his  face  should  be  marred  with  shame  and  spit- 
ting. 

3.  That  his  cheek  should  be  bruised  by  the  slavish  hand 
of  the  barbarous  smiter. 

4.  That  he  should  be  delivered  over,  for  further  torment, 
to  those  who  pluck  off  the  hair. 

5.  That,  in  mark  of  the  greatest  contempt,  his  temples 
should  be  torn  with  a  mock  crown  of  piercing  thorns. 

6.  That  he  should  be  crushed  to  the  earth  beneath  the 
weight  of  the  cross,  to  which  he  was  to  be  nailed  for  exe- 
cution. 

7.  That,  in  his  extreme  torture,  he  should  have  no  drink, 
but  the  sourest  vinegar  mixed  with  gall. 

8.  That,  in  the  most  barbarous  manner  which  devils,  priests, 
and  soldiers  could  devise,  his  mangled  body  should  be  stretch- 
ed upon  and  nailed  to  the  accursed  wood.     And, 

9.  As  unworthy  of  either,  that  he  should  be  lifted  up  be- 
twixt heaven  and  earth,  a  spectacle  to  devils  and  men,  and 
there  hang  till  he  was  dead. 

As  soon  as  the  sentence  was  denounced,  the  devil  Malev- 
olus  cried  out,  "  Away  with  him  !  soldiers,  away  with  him  J 
Come,  let  us  crucify  him.  His  sentence  is  by  far  too  mild. 
Away  with  the  varlet  to  Calvary,"  So  they  led  him  away 
to  crucifixion. 

At  the  same  time  our  infernal  nobility  were  struck  with 
amazement,  at  the  seeming  power  which  man  had  gamed 
over  Immanuel ;  aijd  great  Beelzebub,  iij  the  midst  of  his 


OF   DEVILS.  131 

astonishment,  thus  addressed  his  senators  :  "  Once  was  the 
memorable  time  that  we  made  such  an  attempt  to  subvert 
the  government  of  God,  by  resisting-  the  power  of  Immanuel ; 
but  great  was  our  defeat,  and  dismal  our  overthrow.  Our 
designs  were  not  only  frustrated,  but  we  ourselves,  in  the 
height  of  our  confusion,  fiercely  hurled  from  the  resplen- 
dent summit  of  primeval  glory,  into  the  yawning  gulf  of  un- 
fathomable perdition,  where  we  are  still  reserved  in  these 
horrible  chains,  to  the  judgment  of  the  great  and  terrible 
day : — a  day,  the  very  thoughts  of  which  make  this  noble 
frame  of  mine  to  tremble  as  the  quaking  asp.  But  how  it 
comes  to  pass  I  know  not,  these  earth-born  sons  of  ours  seem, 
exceedingly  to  surpass  us  in  power :  for  I  saw  Immanuel 
stand  fettered  at  their  bar ;  dumb  as  a  sheep  before  her 
shearers,  he  opened  not  his  mouth.     I  am  much  afraid  there 

is  some  hidden  mystery  in  it. What  is  this  1 My 

undaunted  mind  is  not  wont  to  misgive  me  thus ! 

What  can  this  unusual  tremor,  which  now  invades  my  heart, 
portend  ] — I  hate  timidity,  and  yet  I  cannot  help  fearing, 
that  this  commotion  of  my  intellects  is  ominous  of  some 
event,  fatal  to  our  interest. 

"  I  cannot  deem  it  possible  that  the  God  of  heaven  and 
earth  would  patiently  submit  to  such  indignities,  had  he  not 
some  ends  to  answer  by  it,  to  which  we  at  present  are 
strangers.  Often  have  I  prophesied  true ;  but  O  may  my 
prophetic  mind  be  mistaken  in  its  present  timorous  fore- 
bodings !  Meanwhile,  let  us,  my  infernal  brethren,  harden 
ourselves  in  despair;  for  it  is  now  long  since  hope  took 
wing  and  fled  from  these  dreary  mansions.  Strong  in  fury, 
and  fired  with  revenge,  let  us  quit  ourselves  like  devils  and 
avowed  enemies  of  righteousness.  As  for  me,  I  hold  it  good 
that  we  instantly  fly  to  the  assistance  of  our  devoted  friends 
the  Jews.  Having  tliis  unexpected  opportunity,  let  us  not 
fail  to  improve  it  to  the  best  advantage ;  let  it  not  be  owing 
to  our  negligence,  if  the  state  of  Irnmanuel  be  not  over- 
turned. Let  us  not  have  the  hell  to  reflect,  that  we  omitted 
any  thing  which  might  tend  to  promote  the  interest  of  dark- 
ness." 

Great  Beelzebub  finishing  here,  and  his  motion  being 
universally  approved  of,  all  the  legions  of  reprobate  angels, 
a  few  excepted,  who  were  left  to  look  afl;er  the  affairs  of  the 
damned,  took  wing  for  earth,  to  assist  at  so  very  amazing  an 


132  DIALOGUES 

execution.  Arrived  at  Calvary,  they  formed  themselveg 
into  an  invisible  ring  around  the  elevated  cross,  where,  to 
their  unspeakable  astonishment  and  w^onder,  hung  Immanuel, 
the  maker  of  the  v^'orld ;  and  you  may  be  assured  they  did 
not  fail,  as  far  as  it  was  in  the  power  of  fallen  spirits,  to 
torment  his  oppressed  soul.  Ay,  ay,  so  successfiil  were  we 
devils,  priests,  and  soldiers  that  day,  that  no  less  was  hoped 
for  than  a  decisive  victory  over  the  Son  of  God. 

But,  how  shall  I  speak  it]  to  the  everlasting  mortifica- 
tion of  the  infernal  peers,  just  as  Immanuel  was,  to  all  ap- 
pearance, ready  to  expire,  on  a  sudden  he  exerted  his  mighty 
.power,  seized  old  Beelzebub  and  dashed  him  against  the 
cross,  then  casting  him  to  the  earth,  he  so  bruised  the  head 
of  the  serpent  with  his  heel,  that  there  is  great  reason  to 
believe  he  will  never  recover  as  long  as  he  lives.  Jt  would 
have  grieved  the  heart  of  the  very  Crudelis  himself,  to  see 
the  abuse  which  our  great  and  venerable  parent  received 
on  that  occasion. 

Impiator.  Well,  sire,  I  cannot  but  think  how  truly  the 
prophetic  mind  of  Beelzebub  foreboded  his  misfortune.  But 
what  were  the  rest  of  the  chiefs  a-doing  ]  Why  did  not  all 
the  veterans  flee  to  his  assistance  ] 

Infidelis.  a  pertinent  question,  indeed,  considering  by 
whom  it  is  made,  my  son.  But  I  assure  you,  we  were  never 
BO  greatly  mistaken  in  our  days  as  at  that  time.  For  when 
we  thought  ourselves  sure  of  the  victory,  to  our  sad  expe- 
rience we  learned,  that  Immanuel  was  the  strongest  in 
death.  For  even  when  he  was  dying,  he  laid  us  all  under 
the  most  perfect  arrest ;  none  of  us  could  take  one  step, 
either  backward  or  forward,  but  as  he  gave  permission ;  so 
that,  being  spoiled  of  all  anr  power,  we  could  not  help  our- 
selves, much  less  the  afflicted  prince.  This  done,  he  cried 
out  with  a  voice  which  shook  the  very  foundations  of  both 
earth  and  hell,  "  It  is  finished,"  and  was  then  conveyed  by 
death  into  an  invisible  state. 

This  done,  once  more  we  thought  the  day  our  own.  But 
here,  I  cannot  omit  that  fearful  stagnation  of  nature  which 
happened  then,  and  the  set  of  new  preachers  which  were  in- 
troduced. For,  when  all  under  our  influence  had  forsaken 
Immanuel,  who  was  betrayed  by  one,  denied  by  another, 
and  forsaken  by  all  his  preachers,  the  indignant  sun  could 
not  endure  that  sight ;  as  if  angry  and  ashamed  at  the  pro- 


OF   DEVILS.  133 

ceedings  of  the  sons  of  men,  he  covered  his  face  with  a  sa- 
ble cloud,  and  denied  one  smiling  ray  to  delinquent  earth 
whilst  his  Lord  was  ignominiously  crucified.  As  if  it  had 
been  seized  with  uncommon  tremor,  the  earth  itself  fell 
into  a  fit  of  violent  convulsions,  the  mountains  reeled,  the 
rocks  rent,  the  graves  opened,  the  dead  arose,  and  all  to 
preach  the  sufferings  of  the  God  of  nature.  An  invisible 
hand  rent  the  veil  of  the  temple,  that  cloth  of  extraordinary 
texture,  in  twain,  from  the  top  to  the  bottom ;  and  a  voice 
was  heard  to  say,  "  The  glory  is  departed  from  Israel,  and 
now  the  most  holy  place  is  laid  open." 

Death  having  conveyed  Immanuel  to  its  lonely  mansions, 
the  resolute,  though  maimed  Beelzebub,  our  great  prince, 
recovered  himself  as  much  as  was  possible,  his  head  being 
incurably  broken  ;  mustered  his  maimed  forces  and  went  to 
the  assistance  of  Death,  if  possible,  to  keep  Immanuel  fast 
prisoner  in  the  silent  tomb.  Nothing  doubting,  but  if  this 
could  be,  we  should  render  all  that  he  had  heretofore  done 
and  suffered,  null  and  void.  The  better  to  succeed  in  this 
important  enterprise,  we  sealed  the  door  of  the  sepulchre 
and  set  a  watch  of  faithful  soldiers,  instructed  by  the  chief 
of  the  Jewish  priests ;  and  still  to  make  the  security  stronger, 
every  fiend  did  his  utmost  to  impose  weights  on  the  buried 
body  of  Immanuel,  to  prevent  his  resurrection  from  the  soli- 
tary grave. 

But,  to  our  eternal  confusion,  on  the  third  day  of  his  in- 
visible state,  he  arose,  shook  himself  from  the  dust,  came  to 
the  door  of  the  sepulchre,  burst  it  open,  and  laid  hold  on 
Death,  who  stood  as  sentinel  next  to  the  door  of  the  tomb, 
trampled  him  under  his  feet,  and,  by  main  force,  wrenched 
from  him  his  poisonous  sting,  that  sad  repository  of  all  his 
strength.  This  done  he  said,  "  Henceforth,  monster,  hast 
thou  no  power  over  the  people  for  whom  I  have  died."  Then 
he  broke  impetuously  through  all  the  lines  of  martial  infer- 
nals,  who  stood  in  firm  phalanx  around  the  tomb,  and  seized 
the  lately  wounded  chief,  who  was  very  ill  with  a  fever  in 
his  mind,  arising  from  his  disaster  upon  Mount  Calvary. 
He  took  the  fiend,  the  great  Beelzebub,  chained  him  to  the 
axle  of  his  chariot,  mounted  his  seat,  and  rode  triumphantly 
through  the  gathering  crowds  of  joyful  saints,  who  on  golden 
pinions  descended  from  heaven,  in  solemn  strains,  to  hymn 
their  all-conquering  and  triumphant  Redeemer. 
M 


134  DIALOGUES 

O  my  friends,  my  dear  infemals,  it  must  have  pierced 
your  hearts  with  the  most  poignant  sorrow,  to  see  him  drag- 
ged in  triumph  through  all  the  hosts  of  saints  and  angels, 
who  fearless  stood  in  blazing  ranks  to  see  the  longed  for 
solemnity ;  and,  at  the  same  time,  to  see  our  beloved  friend 
Death  lie  gasping  for  life  at  the  door  of  the  sepulchre.  Great 
was  the  confusion  of  the  infernal  brigades,  when  they  saw 
their  principalities  spoiled,  and  Death  and  Satan  so  terribly 
handled :  yea,  so  tremendous  was  their  amazement,  that  to 
escape  the  avenging  hand  of  risen  Immanuel,  they  retreated 
even  to  the  nethermost  depths  of  hell,  and  his  scattered  dis- 
ciples again  resorted  to  his  erected  standard.  But  the 
greatest  disappointment  and  consternation  was,  when  we 
understood  that  after  all  our  diligence  and  hazardous  exploits, 
we,  with  our  auxiliary  priests,  &c.  had  done  nothing,  but 
what  the  hand  and  counsel  of  God  had  predetermined  should 
be  done ;  that  by  our  seeming  victory  over  Immanuel,  he 
had  for  ever  subdued  us  under  his  feet ;  and  that  all  our 
hatred,  envy  and  cruelty,  was  fully  recompensed  into  our 
own  bosoms ;  now  deeper  damned  than  ever, 

AvARO.  Ha !  father,  these  were  troubles  indeed,  such  as 
do  not  happen  every  day :  but  it  is  not  for  us  to  desist  from 
tempting  when  our  designs  miscarry ;  then  should  we  not 
act  the  part  of  desperadoes,  such  as  we  are. 

Infidelis.  Ah,  gentlemen,  great  was  the  cause  of  my 
dismay ;  for  Immanuel  gave  such  demonstration  of  his 
Messiahship,  that  all  which  was  written  in  the  prophets 
concerning  him,  was  exactly  fulfilled  in  his  life  and  death. 
Yea,  so  very  striking  was  the  evidence,  that  many  cried, 
"  Truly  this  is  a  just  man ;"  and  others,  "  Truly  this  is  the 
Son  of  God."  Therefore  I  greatly  feared  that  all  the  world 
would  become  believers  in  him,  and  consequently  shake  of? 
my  yoke.  But  I  was  much  obliged  to  my  good  friends,  the 
Jewish  clergymen ;  for  their  reverences  greatly  befriended 
me,  and  warmly  espoused  my  interest ;  exerted  their  utmost 
power  to  establish  the  throne  of  great  Infidelis,  and  to  de- 
stroy the  early  seeds  of  Christianity,  sown  by  Immanuel,  and 
now  beginning  to  grow. 

Immanuel  having,  in  opposition  to  all  the  powers  of  dark- 
ness, finished  the  work  for  which  he  came  down  to  the  earth, 
he  triumphantly  ascended  to  his  native  heaven,  to  the  pri- 


OF    DEVILS.  135 

meval  embraces  of  his  Eternal  Father,  and  assumed  all  the 
ensigns  of  empyrean  glory. 

Soon  after  this,  the  high  festival  of  pentecost  drew  on,  and 
I,  as  formerly,  attended  at  Jerusalem,  in  tlie  ujidst  of  many 
tliousands,  who,  according  to  the  law,  came  up  to  worship 
upon  that  occasion,  not  only  firom  Judea,  but  from  nations 
very  remote.  I  dreaded  no  harm  at  the  hands  of  a  few  illit- 
erate fishermen,  having  not  been  informed  that  any  of  the 
rulers,  or  of  the  scribes  and  pharisees,  had  believed  in  Jesus ; 
and  therefore  was  at  no  pains  to  prevent  the  multitude 
coming  up  to  the  solemnity  as  usual.  But  here  was  another 
shock  my  kmgdom  sustained ;  for  Peter,  the  fishemian,  who, 
so  very  lately,  like  a  dastard,  impiously  denied  his  Lord  with 
profane  oaths,  now  filled  with  the  Holy  Ghost,  stood  up  in 
the  midst,  and  clearly  proved  that  Jesus  was  the  very  Mes- 
siah; and  upon  this  occasion  played  off  the  heavy  artillery 
of  Sinai  on  the  consciences  of  my  people,  which  was  attended 
with  success  so  fetal  to  me,  that  no  less  than  three  thousand 
were  pierced  through  the  heart  at  once,  and  fell  on  the  field 
<Df  action.  Now  it  was  that  my  evil  apprehensions  were 
again  alarmed,  plamly  perceiving,  that  the  artillery  of  the 
word  was  levelled  against  my  person,  and  that  the  first  end 
of  the  gospel  was  the  subversion  of  my  diabolical  govern- 
ment However,  I  drew  up  all  the  forces  which  I  possibly 
could,  in  the  hurry  of  that  surprise,  my  soldiers  crying  out 
as  they  gave  the  volley,  "  These  men  are  drunken  with  new 
wine."  It  was  but  a  poor  opposition  to  doctrine  so  powerful, 
I  allow ;  but  it  was  the  best  that  could  at  that  time  be  made ; 
for  we  were  obliged  to  retreat  in  much  confusion,  and  leave 
the  Christian  fishermen  masters  of  the  field. 

As  soon  as  we  were  a  little  recovered  from  the  disorder 
into  which  that  unexpected  misfortune  had  plunged  us,  I 
summoned  a  council  of  war,  in  which  the  self-righteous 
Jews  were  the  principal,  next  to  our  infernal  train.  I  my- 
self gave  special  orders,  that  some  method  should  be  con- 
certed effectually  to  destroy  the  name  of  Jesus ;  for,  said  1, 
"  If  we  let  them  alone,  all  the  people  will  believe  in  their 
■doctrine."  In  this  council  it  was  resolved,  to  raise  an  army 
of  those  who  were  the  greatest  adversaries  to  the  name  of 
Jesus,  to  whom  orders  should  be  given  to  kill,  destroy,  and 
cause  to  perish,  all  who  believed  hi  this  way,  until  the 
Christian  religion  should  be  banished  from  the  face  of  the 


136  DIALOGUES 

earth.  This  army  was  raised,  and  the  command  given  to 
Saul  of  Tarsus ;  at  that  time  a  mighty  zealot  for  us,  and 
who,  for  a  season,  made  dreadful  havoc  of  all  that  believed 
contrary  to  the  faith  of  the  priests.  For  it  ought  to  be  ob- 
served, that  the  opinion  of  the  priests  has  been  esteemed 
trae  orthodoxy,  and  the  only  faith,  in  all  ages  and  countries. 

But  here  another  sad  disappointment  and  loss  befell  me ; 
for  as  this  same  captain  Saul  was  on  his  march  to  Damas- 
cus, to  fight  a  pitched  battle  with  the  Christians,  it  so  fell 
out  that  Immanuel  himself  was  taking  a  tour  in  the  valley, 
to  see  how  the  pomegranates  budded,  and  falling  in  with 
trusty  Saul  on  his  journey,  unveiled  his  own  personal  excel- 
lencies to  him,  and  laid  him  under  an  immediate  arrest.  As 
soon  as  he  saw  the  beauties  of  Immanuel,  he  felt  the  most 
sincere  esteem  for  his  person,  and  conceived  the  most  ex- 
alted sentiments  of  his  friendship  and  love.  Yea,  he  was 
even  so  much  grieved  that  ever  he  had  drawn  his  sword 
against  him,  that  he  renounced  the  service  of  Infidelis  on 
the  spot,  took  the  oath  of  allegiance  to  Jesus,  and  thence- 
forward hated  my  person  and  government  with  the  most 
perfect  hatred,  and  did  what  he  could  to  overturn  our  state 
and  subvert  our  government. 

Immanuel  having  the  most  tender  regard  for  Saul,  gave 
him  a  new  name  written  upon  a  white  stone,  appointed  him 
one  of  his  prime  ministers,  and  sent  him  on  an  embassy  to 
my  subjects  to  negotiate  a  revolt  from  me. 

You  cannot  conceive  the  astonishment  the  Jewish  clergy 
were  in,  when  swift-winged  fame  arrived  and  blowed  abroad 
in  every  street,  that  Saul,  who  was  formerly  so  zealous  for 
our  interest,  was  now  become  a  ringleader  of  the  sect  of 
Nazarenes,  and  was  likely  to  do  us  more  mischief  than  all 
who  had  gone  before  him. 

By  this  time  several  of  the  Jewish  rabbins  rebelled 
against  me,  and  joined  themselves  to  the  Nazarenes,  who 
now  made  it  their  whole  business  to  go  from  place  to  place, 
exhorting  my  subjects  to  revolt,  exposing  my  deformity  and 
devilishness,  to  all  they  met  with.  O !  those  were  trying 
times :  for  notwithstanding  we  had  forces  out  against  them 
in  every  quarter  of  the  world,  to  impede  their  progress,  the 
word  of  God  by  their  means  prevailed  in  such  a  manner, 
that  it  was  beyond  our  power  to  suppress  it:  for,  if  we 
burned  one  Nazarene,  two  more  presently  sprang  up  out  of 


OF    DEVlLS.  137 

his  ashes.  Even  Rome  itself,  then  the  metropolis  of  the 
world  and  seat  of  pagan  virtue ;  and  Athens,  where  Miner- 
va was  said  to  have  been  trained  up,  were  soon  infested 
with  this  new  doctrine,  and  very  considerable  numbers  in 
them,  durst  oppose  our  government  and  dispute  our  title  to 
empire ;  even  alleging  that  the  wisdom  of  this  world  is 
foolishness  with  God,  and  that  all  pagan  virtue  is  but  dross 
and  dung  in  comparison  of  the  gospel  of  Christ  Jesus. 

However,  to  cut  my  story  as  short  as  may  be,  after  many 
hundred  thousands  of  the  Nazarenes  were  slain,  my  sub- 
jects became  weary  of  the  war.  By  tJiis  time  they  saw 
clearly  that  persecuting  them  to  death  only  served  to  in- 
crease their  number  and  strength :  so  that  if  those  restless 
devils,  Malevolus  and  Crudelis,  would  have  been  quiet, 
they  would  gladly  have  dropped  their  weapon,  and  agreed 
to  a  cessation  of  hostilities  with  the  Christians. 

Impiator.  Little  judgment  as  I  am  allowed  to  have  of 
historical  affairs,  I  myself  have  seen  what  effect  opposition 
usually  hath  upon  that  class  of  people ;  for  if  in  any  place 
where  my  standard  is  more  eminently  elevated,  there  hap- 
pened to  be  any  of  that  sect,  you  shall  find  them  more  fer- 
vent in  their  study  of  virtue,  and  zealous  in  their  opposi- 
tion to  me,  than  in  those  provinces  where  IMorality  or  Ci- 
vility preside.  Ah  !  gentlemen,  we  have  had  trying  times 
pass  over  us. 

Infidelis.  Trying  times  indeed.  For  notwithstanding 
the  fervent  zeal  of  Malevolus  and  Crudelis,  the  many  sore 
campaigns  they  had  served  so  enervated  their  arms,  that, 
although  their  principles  remained  implacable,  they  were 
even  obliged  to  sit  down  in  despair  of  ever  being  able  to 
extirpate  the  religion  of  Jesus  from  the  world. 

But  my  fertile  brain  soon  produced  fresfi  devices.  Seeing 
many  of  my  temples  forsaken,  and  my  idols  without  mer- 
cy thrown  to  the  pavement,  I  began  to  think  of  other  expe- 
dients to  impede  the  progress  of  Christianity.  I  labored  to 
introduce  Ease,  and  her  handmaid  Prosperity,  among  the 
Christians,  not  without  hope,  that  when  they  were  full  they 
would  forget  their  God,  The  better  to  favor  this  deep  con- 
trivance, I  persuaded  the  valiant  Crudelis  to  scabbard  his 
sword  for  a  season,  and  leave  the  people  of  our  heart  to  the 
possession  of  their  tranquillity. 

It  was  not  long  that  this  scheme  had  been  put  in  prac- 
M2 


1 38  DIALOGUES 

tice,  ere  I  began  to  reap  the  fruit  of  my  wisdom ;  for  Ease 
and  Prosperity  wrought  more  to  my  advantage,  than  all  the 
excursions  of  the  devil  Crudelis.  When  they  were  at  ease 
from  the  lash  of  persecution,  they  were  foolish  enough  to 
quarrel  among  themselves,  grievously  bit  and  devoured  one 
another,  the  cause  of  their  strife  for  the  most  part  being, 
who  should  be  the  greatest. 

Fastosus.  a  very  important  question,  much  canvassed, 
but  never  as  yet  resolved.  Had  I  been  a  clergyman  instead 
of  a  devil,  I  had  certainly  been  a  great  casuist  in  this  part 
of  school  theology.  Never  was  a  point  of  doctrine  more 
belabored  certainly  than  this,  and  never  were  people  more 
divided  in  sentiments  than  about  this  resolution,  even  from 
the  great  church  of  Turkey  down  to  the  smallest  dissent- 
ing congregation.  The  divines  of  the  established  church  in 
Turkey  stand  stiffly  to  it,  that  Mahomet  and  themselves 
ought  to  preside  over  all  the  believing  world.  The  doctors 
of  France,  Spain  and  Italy,  are  as  firmly  persuaded  that 
pre-eminence  is  due  to  none  but  his  holiness  and  them- 
selves ;  and  that  all  who  are  not  of  the  same  opinion,  are 
certainly  in  a  state  of  damnation. 

As  for  their  reverences  in  England,  though  they  will 
deny  no  honor  to  his  popeship,  which  really  is  his  due,  they 
will  submit  to  none  as  the  leading  priest  but  his  Grace  of 
Canterbury,  and  consider  that  church  which  they  are  the 
pillars  of,  as  the  purest  establishment  that  the  lower  world 
can  boast  of.  Others  indeed  there  are  who  greatly  question 
his  Grace's  right  to  preside,  and  therefore  refuse  to  bow  to 
his  mitre,  and  therefore  resolving  to  be  enslaved  in  their 
own  way.  Hence,  although  the  reverend  members  of  the 
associate  synod  cannot  in  conscience  submit  to  the  cor- 
rupt governors  of  the  kirk  of  Scotland,  all  of  whom  they 
have  long  since  recommended  to  the  care  of  the  devil, 
much  less  can  they  bow  to  a  metropolitan,  whom  they  call 
the  image  of  the  pope,  they  can  very  cordially  submit  to 
the  government  of  the  reverend  Mr.  Adam  Gibb ;  because 
they  themselves  liad  the  pleasure  of  choosing  him.  That 
goes  a  great  way.    And  hence  it  is,  every  society  has  its 

Pope.     The  venerable of at submit  for  the 

same  reason  to  the  great ;  and  the of to  the 

rev. ;  so  that,  it  is  not  submission  itself  that  is  object- 
ed, to,  so  much  as  the  mode  of  it :  for  gentlemen  will  be 


OF    DEVILS.  139 

submissive  enough,  may  they  but  choose  a  pope  for  them- 
selves. But  remember  this,  whoever  is  chosen  the  pope  of 
a  party,  is  by  his  partisans  always  deemed  the  greatest. 
For  instance,  at  the  foundary,  none  is  so  great  as  the  Rev. 
Mr.  John  Wesley,  sometime  fellow  of  Lincoln,  Oxon.  And 

at  the  none  ever  preached  or  wrote  like  the  great 

,  D.  D.  author  of ,  and  of ,  and  of ,  &c. 

&c.  &€.  But  amongst  them  all,  a  very  few  are  found,  who 
consider  Jesus  Christ  as  the  greatest,  and  who  properly  call 
him  Master. 

AvARO.  I  thought  Immanuel  had  settled  that  point  long 
ago.  Did  he  not  establish  this  rule  for  the  observance  of 
his  disciples,  "  Whosoever  will  be  great  among  you,  let  him 
be  your  minister ;  and  whosoever  will  be  chief  among  you, 
let  him  be  your  servant."  Did  not  the  divines  abide  by  his 
determination  ? 

Fastosus.  No,  Avaro.  Quite  the  reverse :  for  the  school- 
men will  have  it,  that  he  who  is  chief  shall  be  lord  over  his 
brethren.  By  these  means  they  have  annexed  a  certain  de- 
gree of  nobility  to  their  religion,  which  Jesus  never  intended 
to  be  joined  with  his.  But  we  hinder  the  reverend  Infidelis 
proceedmg  with  his  story. 

Infidelis.  Those  female  fiends,  the  ladies  Prosperity  and 
Ease,  as  plenipotentiaries  for  Beelzebub,  made  great  propo- 
sals to  them ;  and  indeed  they  soon  established  kingdoms, 
principalities,  and  powers,  of  the  Christian  name. 

Then  were  the  Christians  able  to  maintain  themselves 
against  their  pagan  neighbors,  my  professed  subjects.  This 
I  patiently  bore,  believing  that  the  martial  spirit  of  the 
Christians  a  little  indulged  for  the  present,  would  greatly 
make  for  our  interest  and  the  final  establishment  of  my 
kingdom. 

Those  reverend  ladies,  Prosperity  and  Ease,  had  not  been 
long  amongst  them,  ere  many  who  bore  the  Christian  name 
were  desirous  of  coming  to  terms  of  agreement  with  me ; 
but  upon  this  express  condition,  "  That  in  the  treaty  of 
amity  betwixt  them  and  me,  it  should  be  stipulated  that 
they  still  be  called  by  the  name  of  Christ,  for  it  was  now 
become  scandalous  to  bear  the  name  of  another."  This 
request  I  thought  reasonable  enough,  and  that  to  grant  it 
would  be  no  very  great  concession  on  my  part ;  therefore  I 
readily  agreed,  and  the  treaty  was  confirmed.     It  is  an  in- 


140  DIALOGUES 

variable  rule  with  me,  that  it  is  not  very  material  whether 
a  man  is  called  a  Christian  or  not,  provided  I  have  but  safe 
possession  of  his  heart ;  for  names  do  not  change  the  nature 
of  things. 

This  amiable  fiend,  lady  Prosperity,  rested  not  in  her 
pleasmg  operations,  until  she  had  quite  reduced  the  oriental 
nations  to  such  a  degree  of  reason,  that  they  petitioned  my 
personal  return  among  them ;  and,  as  my  loving  subjects, 
returned  to  their  allegiance.  Having  now  secured  the  ori- 
ental, the  splendid  lady  and  me  undertook  the  conquest  of 
tiie  occidental  church ;  and,  the  better  to  succeed  in  our 
enterprise,  we  fixed  our  abode  at  Rome,  famous  both  for  an- 
cient and  modern  paganism.  As  for  me,  I  knew  it  was  ne- 
cessary I  should  remain  incognito,  until  a  fair  opportunity 
should  offer  for  my  emerging  out  of  darkness ;  but  my  lady- 
Prosperity  decked  herself  in  her  richest  attire  and  openly 
resided  among  the  Christians,  who  were  so  ravished  with 
her  excellent  beauties,  that  he  was  deemed  the  most  happy 
man  who  could  prevail  with  her  excellency  to  take  up  her 
lodging  in  his  house.  Her  ladyship,  you  know,  is  not  to  be 
won  by  every  one  who  addresses  her.  Here  slie  acted  ac- 
cording to  previous  instructions,  and  made  free  with  the 
bishop's  house  as  best  suited  to  our  purpose. 

Wonderful  were  the  works  which  she  performed  there ; 
for,  at  her  first  arrival,  the  bishop  was  no  more  than  a  plain, 
honest  man,  having  but  one  congregation  in  his  diocese ; 
but  first  she  created  him  Reverend  ;  then  his  lordship ;  then 
his  grace ;  and  after  that,  his  holiness,  &c.  Indeed,  the  vast 
dominion  and  immense  revenues  which  she  conferred  on 
him,  so  swelled  the  haughty  prelate,  that,  not  contented  with 
the  honors  then  possessed,  he  claimed  dominion  over  all  as 
the  father  of  the  whole  world.  Even  this  was  short  of  giv- 
mg  content,  unless  he  should  also  reign  over  heaven  and 
hell ;  therefore  he  hath  seized  the  gates  of  both,  and  lets 
in  and  out  just  whom  he  pleases.  Nothing  short  of  arro- 
gating to  himself  the  prerogatives  of  the  Almighty  could 
satisfy  his  ambition,  such  as  his  holiness,  infallibility,  su- 
premacy, &c.  The  devil  himself  never  aimed  at  higher 
things.  In  the  meanwhile,  her  ladyship,  at  her  leisure  hours, 
waited  on  those  who  were  of  any  account  among  the  Chris- 
tians, who,  for  the  most  part,  had  notliing  of  Christianity  but 
the  name.  Some,  indeed,  were  firmly  attached  to  Immanuel, 


OF   DEVILS.  141 

who  could  not  be  bribed  even  by  her  largest  offers  ;  but 
their  number  was  comparatively  small.  Seeing  the  pro- 
gress which  Prosperity  made,  they  went  about  the  streets 
complaining  in  some  such  words  as  these:  "This  harlot, 
Prosperity,  will  be  tlie  ruin  of  Christianity." 

In  process  of  time,  I  was  sent  for  to  the  bishop's  court,  he 
being  entirely  reconciled  to  me.  The  worthy  prelate  re- 
ceived me  with  all  the  reverence  due  to  my  person,  and  laid 
before  me  a  beloved  scheme,  which  he  had  designed,  and 
of  which  he  desired  my  opinion. 

Having  maturely  digested  his  plan,  I  replied,  "  Worthy 
and  self-adoring  sir,  has  your  holiness  power  sufficient  to 
defend  your  deityship,  providing  your  divinity  should  be 
called  in  question  J"  To  which  his  holiness  said :  "  Yes,  yes, 
yes,  I  have,  I  have.  There  are  several  potent  princes,  who 
will  conspire  to  make  me  omnipotent.  They  will  spend 
their  substance,  depopulate  their  dominions,  destroy  their 
bodies,  damn  their  own  souls,  and  the  souls  of  their  sub- 
jects, in  defence  of  my  godhead.  There  are  many  wise 
priests  also,  who  will  contribute  all  their  wisdom,  for  their 
own  emolument,  to  make  me  omniscient  or  infallible."  Hav- 
ing such  an  agreeable  account  of  his  holiness's  affairs,  I  re- 
solved all  his  scruples  at  once,  for  thus  I  addressed  him : 
"  Most  subtle  of  all  the  priests,  if  thus  you  are  supported,  I 
think  all  things  go  very  favorably.  Therefore  lose  no  time 
in  publishing  to  the  world  your  excellent  scheme  of  di- 
vinity ;  let  it  be  proclaimed  that  henceforth  you  are  no  longer 
man." 

Impiator.  His  holiness  was  in  the  right  of  it  to  disclaim 
humanity.  What  mortal  man  was  ever  endowed  with  such 
qualities  as  are  his  1  What  mere  man  was  ever  mfallible  1 
Not  Peter,  he  fell  low  enough.  Infallibility  is  an  essential 
attribute  of  Godhead,  and  his  holiness  being  possessed  of 
that,  must  needs  be  God.  What  man  ever  did,  or  ever  will 
reign  with  despotic  power  over  all  the  priests  and  princes 
of  the  earth,  putting  down  one  and  exaltmg  another  at  his 
pleasure,  like  his  holiness.  It  is  by  him  that  kings  reign, 
and  princes  decree  judgment ;  and  not  by  the  Almighty,  as 
formerly.  Therefore  his  holiness  can  be  no  mortal  man. 
And  yet  a  mortal  god  is  a  strange  sort  of  character. 

Infidelis.  The  great  priest  thanked  me  for  my  good  ad- 
vice, secretly  renounced  the  name  of  Jesus,  and  swore  alle- 


142  DIALOGUES 

giance  to  me;  called  for  Falax,  whom  he  chose  for  hia 
Bcrivener,  and  Perfidiosus,  whom  he  appointed  secretary. 
Then,  with  all  convenient  speed,  issued  forth  an  edict,  in 
which  it  was  declared — 

1.  That  the  word  of  God  is  no  longer  of  any  force,  to 
decide  religious  controversies ;  but  that  the  bare  word  of 
his  holiness  at  Rome  should  determine  in  every  case. 

2.  That  no  man,  henceforward,  should  dare  to  search  the 
scriptures,  contrary  to  the  resolution  of  the  apostolic  chair ; 
the  Bible  being  condemned  as  a  book  full  of  heresy  and  Pro- 
testant tenets;  containing  many  things  pernicious  to  the 
souls  of  men,  and  very  derogatory  from  the  honor  of  holy 
mother  church. 

3.  That  the  pope's  Bible,  or  canons,  decrees,  and  legends, 
are  to  be  held  as  the  only  rule  of  faith  and  practice,  ex- 
clusive of  all  others,  under  pain  of  eternal  damnation. 

4.  That  God,  who  made  heaven  and  earth,  hath  no  longer 
power  to  save  or  damn  any  man,  without  the  pope's  permis- 
sion ;  and  that  the  infallible  bishop  of  Rome  would  save  and 
damn  whom  he  should  think  proper. 

5.  Notice  was  given  to  all  whom  it  might  concern,  that 
the  free  pardons  were  already  all  expended.  So  that  a  for- 
mer proclamation,  made  from  another  quarter,  which  held 
forth  nothing  but  free  pardons,  is  to  be  held  null  and  void ; 
and  that,  in  future,  no  man  may  expect  pardon,  unless  the 
full  price  is  paid  into  the  hand  of  a  faithful  priest,  as  dele- 
gate of  his  holiness. 

6.  That  the  Holy  Ghost  is  to  be  deemed  incapable  of  the 
work  of  sanctification ;  all  the  souls  he  hath  undertaken  to 
cleanse  havmg  been  found  with  many  spots  upon  them,  be- 
fore they  passed  through  his  holmess's  furnace,  hereafter  to 
be  named. 

7.  Advertisement:  That  his  holiness  the  pope  has,  at 
great  expense,  obtained  a  very  large  quantity  of  the  most 
purifying  fire  in  hell,  together  with  a  battalion  of  the  most 
skilful  furies  of  the  pit  to  work  the  flames,  both  of  which 
he  hath  placed  m  limbo,  alias  purgatory,  where,  for  a  pro- 
portionable sum  promptly  paid  unto  one  of  his  holiness's  vas- 
sals, or  priests,  any  Catholic  spectre  shall  be  burned  as  white 
as  a  bishop's  hand. 

8.  The  better  to  encourage  this  branch  of  priestcraft,  it 
was  declared,  that  no  case  is  quite  desperate,  but  tliat  of 


OF   DEVILS.  143 

those  who  abide  by  the  Bible  as  the  only  rule  of  faith  and 
practice. 

9.  It  was  declared,  that  the  Almighty  has  no  longer  any 
power  to  support  princes  in  their  sovereignty,  that  power 
having  devolved  upon  his  popeship ;  who,  for  the  future, 
would  exalt  or  debase  princes,  as  they  proved  steady  or  un- 
steady to  his  interest. 

10.  It  was  enacted,  that  no  man  should  in  the  least  call 
in  question  the  pope's  divinity,  his  supremacy,  and  infalli- 
bility ;  and  every  person  thus  offending,  should  be  deemed 
an  atheist,  an  heretic  and  traitor,  and  as  such  should  be  de- 
stroyed. 

Now,  my  brother,  having  thus  far  carried  on  my  history, 
let  me  beg  you  to  recite  some  part  of  yours. 

Fastosus.  With  all  my  heart,  brother ;  but  it  must  be  to- 
morrow morning.  Our  time  is  now  spent.  Business  must 
be  attended,  or  it  will  wither  and  decay. 


DIALOGUE  XI. 

ALL   THE   DIALOGEANS   PRESENT. 

Fastosus.  Pray,  Crudelis,  what  is  this  mighty  affair,  that 
so  highly  tickles  your  fancy  ]  Let  your  kindred  share  in 
your  mirth,  I  beseech  you. 

Crudelis.  Yesterday  afternoon  I  was  conjured  up  by 
'Squire  Broadfield,  to  assist  in  the  whipping  of  a  poor  man, 
who,  being  ready  to  perish  with  hunger,  unluckily  begged  a 
morsel  of  bread  at  his  door.  But,  before  I  give  you  an  ac- 
count of  the  whipping,  I  shall  first  give  you  a  specimen  of 
the  gentleman's  character. 

'Squire  Broadfield  is  a  gentleman,  and  justice  of  peace. 
He  is  worth  five  thousand  pounds  a  year ;  and  that  is  enough 
to  make  him  a  gentleman,  even  if  his  father  had  been  a  beg- 
gar ;  to  make  him  wise,  though  born  a  fool ;  learned,  although 
a  very  dunce.  Indeed  it  must  be  owned,  the  principal  part 
of  his  worship's  education  was  had  under  Dr.  Ringwood  and 
Dr.  Jowler,  the  celebrated  tutors  of  his  kennel.  Their  max- 
ims he  perfectly  understands,  and  their  virtues  he  has  adopt- 


144  DIALOGUES 

ed.  But,  five  thousand  a  year,  you  know,  makes  the  study 
of  the  kennel  truly  classical. 

Talk  you  of  Orpheus  to  him,  his  worship  proposes  the 
virtue  of  Ringwood  to  your  consideration.  Do  you  admire 
the  ardor  which  flames  in  the  Iliads,  his  worship  says,  no 
music  like  the  voice  of  Jowler.  Tell  him  of  the  majesty 
of  Virgil,  he  will  bid  you  mind  well  the  gait  of  his  horse, 
what  a  majestic  creature  he  is.  An  emperor,  says  he, 
might  be  proud  to  ride  such  another.  Do  you  recommend 
the  pleasures  of  solid  learning  to  him,  he  is  in  raptures 
about  the  diversions  of  the  chase.  As  yet  he  hath  avoided 
the  yoke  of  matrimony ;  not  that  lie  was  ever  an  admirer 
of  continence,  few  gentlemen  being  more  conversant  with 
the  fair  sex  than  his  worship.  He  keeps  in  his  house  a 
wanton  train  of  over-fed  servants,  the  superfluities  of  whose 
table  would  comfort  the  bowels  of  many  indigent ;  besides 
a  pack  of  hounds,  which  devour  more  than  serves  to  main- 
tain all  the  poor  in  the  parish  workhouse.  But  this  miserable 
wretch,  who  cannot  work,  because  he  is  lame,  and  having 
no  parish  to  flee  to  for  relief,  chooseth  to  beg  rather  than 
steal,  for  which  his  worship  ordered  him  to  be  severely 
whipt  by  my  good  son  the  beadle,  until  he  shall  be  made 
willing,  either  to  steal  for  a  living,  or  to  die  of  hunger. 

Impiator.  I  am  not  certain  that  John  Ketch,  Esq.  of 
fatal  character,  had  any  hand  in  procuring  the  law  for  whip- 
ping  beggars  ;  but  certainly  it  adds  greatly  to  his  revenue. 
Nor  am  I  certain  that  it  was  made  on  purpose  to  drive 
vagrants  from  begging  to  stealing,  in  order  more  speedily 
to  ease  the  nation  of  such  a  burden ;  but  certain  I  am,  it 
greatly  helps  to  fill  up  the  Tyburn  Chronicle.  But  what 
more,  cousin  1 

Crudelis.  As  the  poor  lame  fellow  was  confi-onted  by  the 
beadle,  and  was  convinced  of  the  reality  of  his  worship's 
benevolent  intention  to  have  him  well  flogged,  he  fell  on  hia 
knees,  and  implored  mercy  for  God's  sake,  and  for  Christ's 
Bake,  &c.  promising  that  if  he  might  be  forgiven  this 
once,  he  would  never  return  to  these  parts  any  more.  He 
pleaded  his  indigence,  his  hungry  belly,  his  lameness,  his 
belonging  to  no  parish,  and  every  thing  his  fear  could  de- 
vise ;  but  all  served  only  to  harden  the  justice's  heart  the 
more.  He  ordered  the  beadle  to  take  him  away,  and  to  do 
his  duty  immediately.    The  beadle  signified  to  liim,  as  they 


OF    DEVILS.  145 

drew  near  to  the  whipping-post,  that  he  felt  some  relentings 
of  heart  towards  him ;  and  that  if  he  could  only  give  him  a 
handsome  fee,  he  would  favor  liim  as  much  as  liis  reputation 
would  admit  of  But,  upon  inquiry,  finding  that  the  old  fel- 
low was  so  wicked  as  to  have  no  money,  his  heart  became 
like  brass,  and  he  resolved  to  ply  him  thoroughly,  to  the  sat- 
isfaction of  his  worship.  Accordingly,  when  'Squire  Broad- 
field  and  me  arrived  in  company  to  see  the  sport,  there  was 
the  poor  rascal,  whose  poverty  was  his  principal  crime,  tied 
to  the  post,  and  mangled  with  the  cord,  which  the  lusty  beadle 
plied  with  nervous  arm. 

Oh !  how  his  worship  and  me  did  laugh  to  see  the  villain, 
whose  poverty  was  obstinate,  leaping,  as  his  lameness  would 
let  him,  and  writhing  his  bloody  back,  as  the  whip  was  lustily 
played  about  him  by  the  sturdy  beadle;  who,  for  his  part, 
would  rob,  and  steal,  and  do  any  thing,  rather  than  be  whip- 
ped by  a  trusty  brother  of  the  trade ;  yea,  would  act  ten 
thousand  villanies,  rather  than  die  of  hunger.  This  fellow 
must  be  a  most  incorrigible  rogue,  to  be  sure,  if  he  is  not 
willing,  by  this  time,  either  to  steal  and  be  hanged,  or  pa- 
tiently to  die  of  an  empty  belly. 

Impiator.  What,  Crudelis,  have  they  made  a  law  to  whip 
all  beggars  that  infest  your  country  7 

Crudelis.  No,  no,  Impiator.  I  heartily  wish  there  were 
such  a  law ;  for  then  I  would  even  quit  my  devilship  to  be- 
come king  of  the  beadles.  If  all  the  beggars  were  to  be 
punished  at  the  whipping-post,  (as  I  know  no  reason  why 
they  should  not)  perhaps  his  worship  himself,  and  his  rever- 
ence the  parson  of  the  parish,  would  not  escape  a  thorough 
drubbing.  And  yet,  Crudelis  as  my  name  is,  I  think  the 
whip-beggar-law  is  very  partial  and  unjust,  as  it  lays  hold  on 
none  but  poor  petty  beggars,  who  would  be  content  with 
bread,  shins  of  beef,  and  table-beer ;  whilst  others  may,  with 
impunity,  beg  and  obtain  some  thousands  a  year  of  the  na- 
tion's money. 

What  are  all  the  ranks  of  mankind,  but  so  many  beggars  1 
Does  not  his  reverence,  the  inferior  clergyman,  beg  a  living 
from  my  lord  bishop,  or  some  neighboring  nobleman  ]  and 
do  not  their  lordships  beg  of  the  kingi  Do  not  the  very 
members  of  parliament  come,  hat  in  hand,  and  meanly  beg 
of  the  corporation,  having  no  consciousness  of  worth  in  them- 
selves ?  Do  not  the  pliant  courtiers  sue  to  the  favorite,  for 
N 


146  DIALOGUES 

places  of  trust  for  sake  of  the  profit  1 — Beggars  all,  except 
the  stern  patriot,  a  pelican  which  does  not  appear  once  in  a 
century.  But  if  their  lordships,  the  noble  beggars,  and  their 
honors,  the  gentlemen  beggars,  are  to  be  considered  as  au- 
thors of  the  whipping  law,  I  should  have  wondered  indeed, 
if  care  had  not  been  taken  to  exempt  themselves  from  its 
penalty. 

The  case  stands  exactly  thus.  If  a  gentleman,  extrava- 
gant beyond  his  revenue,  begs  for  a  thousand  or  two  per  an- 
num, he  shall  not  only  escape  with  impunity,  but  obtain  his 
suit ;  provided  always  he  would  be  the  humble  pliant  crea- 
ture of  the  minister ;  but  if  a  poor,  helpless,  low-born  wu-etch, 
pinched  with  hunger,  happens  to  beg  a  piece  of  bread  in  an 
interdicted  place,  he  shall  be  exercised  at  the  whipping- 
post. 

Infidelis.  I  think,  brother  Fastosus,  you  agreed  to  give 
us  some  account  of  your  afijiirs.  We  should  hold  ourselves 
much  honored  by  the  favor.  But  for  this,  I  would  beg  the 
history  of  my  son  Crudelis,  who  makes  himself  so  merry  at 
the  expense  of  foolish  vicious  mortals. 

Fastosus.  His  history  might  be  entertaining  enough,  I 
suppose ;  but  doubtless  mine  must  be  much  more  elegant  and 
instructive,  as  my  concerns  have  been  mostly  with  vener- 
able gentlemen,  and  with  none  more  than  those  of  the  sac- 
erdotal function. 

Notwithstanding  I  prevailed  with  the  Jews,  almost  unani- 
mously, to  contemn  the  person  and  testimony  of  Jesus  of 
Nazareth,  the  Christian  religion  gained  ground  in  the  w^orld. 
Yea,  the  word  of  God  grew  mightily,  and  prevailed  over 
the  traditions  of  both  Pagan  and  Jewish  sages ;  therefore,  from 
thenceforward  I  found  it  necessary  to  deal  deep  in  the  things 
of  religion. 

I  began  my  trade  with  ecclesiastical  titles,  which  were 
altogether  unknown  in  the  days  of  Christ  and  his  apostles : 
a  set  of  goods  very  venerable  with  the  populace,  and  wlioUy 
of  my  manufacture; — an  assortment  of  trifles,  which  greatly 
pleased  the  lords  of  religion,  and  forwarded  the  deep  designs 
of  priest-craft. 

Impiator.  With  your  leave,  sir,  I  have  heard  that  all 
the  lord  bishops  are  descended  in  a  right  line  from  the  apos- 
tles ;  must  it  not  then  follow,  that  the  convocation  at  Jeru- 
salem consisted  of  tlie  most  reverend  fathers  in  God,  their 


OF    DEVILS.  147 

graces,  my  lord  Peter,  my  lord  Paul.&c.  &:c.  metropolitans; 
and  the  right  reverend  fathers  in  God,  my  lord  Stephen,  my 
lord  Philip,  my  lord  Timothy,  my  lord  Barnabas,  &.c.  dioce- 
sans J 

Infidelis.  Son,  you  ought  not  to  interrupt  your  honor- 
able uncle.  You  may  remember  that  these  titles  are  all  of 
later  date. 

Fastosus.  My  nephew  shall  hear,  if  he  will  but  have  a 
little  patience.  The  famous  lady  Prosperity  and  you,  bro- 
ther, had  not  been  a  very  great  while  at  Rome,  before  I 
found  sufficient  encouragement  to  erect  my  office  for  vend- 
ing sacerdotal  titles  there,  and  I  must  own  that  for  many 
years  I  had  a  brisk  run  of  trade,  until  in  fact  the  cliurch 
had  room  for  no  more,  from  the  great  infallible  priest  at 
Rome  down  to  a  Cumberland  curate.  The  first  production 
of  this  kind  was  a  very  brilliant  medal,  inscribed  with  these 
five  capital  letters,  P.  A.  T.  E.  R.  which  having  finished,  I 
presented  at  a  general  convocation  of  bishops,  who  as  yet 
were  not  become  reverend.  They  were  highly  pleased  with 
the  device,  having  never  seen  such  a  thing  before.  The 
worthies  examined  it,  one  after  another,  tind  all  found  that 
ihe  venerable  letters,  well  put  together,  and  properly  m- 
terpreted,  signified  Father.  And  certainly  the  event  has 
proved,  that  great  is  the  magical  power  of  this  medal. 

Every  one  said  to  his  fellow,  "  What  can  be  more  agree- 
able to  our  function  than  this  venerable  title?  Are  not  we 
the  fathers  of  the  people  f '  They  forgot  that  One  is  the 
rather  of  the  people,  even  God.  I  was  therefore  desired, 
with  all  speed,  to  procure  a  like  medal  for  every  member 
of  this  august  assembly.  Soon  after  this,  I  provided  medals 
iZnore  highly  finished,  and  inscribed, 

P,  A,  T,  R,  I,  A,  R,  C,  H,  A, 

one  of  which  I  bestowed  on  the  holy  bishop  of  Rome ;  a 
second  I  gave  to  the  bishop  of  Alexandria :  a  third  to  that 
of  Constantinople,  a  fourth  to  that  of  Jerusalem ;  and  a  fifth 
to  him  who  presided  in  the  church  of  Antioch.  In  all  which 
places  my  medals  were  more  highly  valued  than  the  finest 
ruby ;  and  he  who  could  by  any  means  obtain  one  of  them, 
was  supposed  to  be  elevated  far  above  the  common  rank  of 
mortals. 

Long  and  very  successfully  had  I  folbwed  that  medallion 


148  DIALOGUES 

trade,  when  a  famous  and  worthy  prelate  of  Rome,  who  was 
a  great  admirer  of  my  productions,  came  into  my  office.  Af- 
ter doing  obeisance  to  me,  and  turning  over  my  pretty  de- 
vices, he  asked  me,  "  If  I  thought,  with  all  my  ingenuity,'  I 
could  produce  a  genuine  medal  with  this  inscription, 

P,  A,  P,  A,  S,:   S,  U,  P,  R,  E,  M,  U,  S. 

OR, 

EPISCOPUS  UNIVERSALI  S." 

I  told  him,  that  if  all  the  artists  in  hell  were  to  unite  their 
wisdom  in  one  mechanical  head,  it  would  be  utterly  impos- 
sible ;  for,  said  I,  the  whole  creation  doth  not  furnish  suffi- 
cient materials.  But  if  it  please  your  holiness,  I  can  make 
you  a  sham  medal  of  that  sort,  which  may  perhaps  answer 
all  the  ends  you  have  in  view,  as  well  as  if  it  were  real. 
Oh !  said  he,  I  care  not,  for  my  part,  whether  it  is  real  or 
counterfeit,  if  I  can  only,  by  your  assistance,  my  worthy 
Fastosus,  impose  upon  the  credulity  of  mankind,  and  make 
the  world  believe  that  I  am  supreme  pope  and  universal 
bishop ;  then  I  should  reign  with  despotic  power  over  the 
estates  and  consciences  of  all  Christians.  My  good  friend, 
please  you  to  make  me  the  medal,  and  I  will  cause  the 
world  to  believe  that  I  had  it  from  the  Almighty,  with  let- 
ters patent  under  the  broad  seal  of  heaven,  for  the  sole  use 
of  it  to  me  and  my  successors  for  ever.  "  I  well  know,  re- 
turned I,  that  your  holiness  means  no  more,  than  in  a  pious 
manner  to  impose  the  cheat  upon  the  world,  the  better  to 
fill  your  coffers,  and  aggrandize  your  name ;  in  which  laud- 
able undertaking  your  adored  Fastosus  shall  be  ever  ready 
to  direct  and  assist." 

To  work  I  went,  having  called  ui  the  assistance  of  seve- 
ral of  our  friends,  and  made  a  counterfeit  medal,  in  the 
likeness  of  a  treble  crown,  with  certain  inscriptions  of  the 
cabalistic  kind  upon  it.  They  were  short  but  pithy  sen- 
tences, as  you  shall  hear. 

On  the  one  side  of  the  first  crown  was  inscribed.  He  that 
is  honored  as  tlie  wearer  of  this  medal,  is  possessed  of  infal- 
lible knowledge.  Opposite  to  that  was  carved,  in  fine  Ital- 
ian, He  is  supreme  over  all  laws,  divine  and  human.  On 
the  right  side  of  the  second  crown,  were  these  words,  in 
large  capitals,  This  is  the  head  of  the  Church.  On  the  lefl 
were  these.  This  is  the  vicar  of  Christ,  and  successor  of 


OF    DEVILS.  149 

Peter.  On  the  third  and  uppermost  crown  were  the  follow- 
ing, The  keys  of  heaven,  hell,  and  purgatory,  are  in  his  pos- 
session, and  used  only  at  his  pleasure.  Round  the  edge  was 
this  writing,  He  reigneth  supreme  over  all  the  kings  of  the 
earth,  putteth  down  one,  and  exalteth  another^  at  his  plea- 
sure. 

When  finished,  I  presented  it  to  the  arch-prelate,  who  re- 
ceived it  with  all  imaginable  thankfulness,  viewed  it  with 
the  most  exquisite  delight,  and  oflener  than  once,  protested 
by  his  infallibility  that  he  had  never  seen  any  thing  contri- 
ved with  equal  art,  nor  so  suitably  adapted  to  his  aspiring 
principles.  Transported  with  joy,  he  cried  out,  "  O  thou  in- 
genious spirit !  bless  thee  for  thy  assistance  !  This  precious 
medal  will  exalt  my  name  above  all  that  is  called  God ;  all 
the  European  princes  will  now  become  my  vassals,  and  the 
adorers  of  my  priestly  majesty.  But,  to  complete  the  work, 
I  pray  thee,  good  Fastosus,  think  of  some  suitable  device 
for  me,  by  which  I  may  bind  all  the  various  ranks  of  the 
clergy  to  my  interest ;  for  I  shall  never  dare  to  show  my 
miraculous  medal,  rwr  divulge  the  delightful  inscriptions  on 
it,  unless  I  have  somethmg  of  the  like  nature  to  present  to 
their  reverences;  for  this  alone  will  excite  them  to  favor 
the  cheat.  As  for  laymen,  the  scum  of  nature,  I  regard 
not  them.  They  are  asses,  upon  whom  we  shall  ride  with 
pleasure  and  profit ;  and  if  at  any  time  they  ride  restif,  we 
will  tame  them  with  the  rod  of  discipline,  and  so  belabor 
them  with  the  cudgel  of  excommunication,  that  with  glad- 
ness tliey  shall  submit  implicitly  to  our  decisions.  Could 
not  the  great  Fastosus  strike  me  a  variety  of  medals,  of  dif- 
ferent worth  and  designs,  and  lodge  them  safely  in  my  pos- 
session, that  I  may  have  the  sole  distribution  of  them  among 
my  depending  clergy ;  for  unless  they  cleave  as  close  to  me, 
as  the  scales  to  the  back  of  Leviathan,  I  shall  never  be  able 
to  support  my  pretensions  to  infallibility  and  supremacy. 

To  which  I  replied,  "  Great  priest,  in  order  to  bind  the 
clergy  inviolably  to  your  interest,  let  me  advise  you  to  take 
care  that  your  decisions  be  always  in  their  favor:  place 
your  own  grandeur  in  front  of  all  your  proceedings,  and  let 
theirs  immediately  follow  it."  Which  advice  the  good  man 
cordially  embraced,  and  ever  since  has  invariably  followed 
ft,  with  the  utmost  precision. 

From  henceforth,  continued  I,  I  give  vou  full  power  and 
N2 


150  DIALOGUES 

authority  to  preside  over  all  those  medals  which  I  have  al- 
ready issued  forth ;  and  for  the  future,  the  disposal  of  them 
shall  be  at  your  holiness'  pleasure.  I  will  moreover  add  to 
the  number,  and  you  shall  have  more  than  sufficient  to  gain 
all  the  clergy  to  your  party.  But  observe,  you  must  receive 
this  power  at  the  hand  of  great  Fastosus ;  for  it  is  by  me 
alone  that  you  can  lord  it  over  the  estates  and  consciences 
of  men.  The  great  prelate  heard  with  attention,  and  then 
rejoined,  "  Mighty  Fastosus,  if  you  will  oblige  me  in  this, 
you  may  depend  upon  me  and  all  my  successors  as  faithful 
subjects ;  implicitly  obedient  servants  to  your  highness,  and 
your  father  Beelzebub.  Nor  do  I  doubt  but  the  rest  of  the 
priests,  for  the  sake  of  power,  will  be  equally  loyal  to  you, 
and  implacable  enemies  to  Immanuel ;  therefore  your  kind- 
nesses shall  be  gratefully  returned  on  our  parts." 

"  Very  well,  said  I,  but  be  sure  that  all  your  villany  be 
carried  on  under  the  show  of  sanctity,  otherwise  you  will 
do  us  but  little  service." 

AvARO.  Then,  sir,  by  what  you  say,  it  may  be  concluded, 
the  hoary  prelate  at  Rome  is  very  sensible  that  he  is  Beel- 
zebub's agent,  and  that  all  his  pretensions,  beyond  those  of 
tlie  lowest  pastor,  are  an  imposition. 

Fastosus.  Yes,  Avaro,  he  knows  it  very  well,  and  that 
makes  him  the  more  like  unto  us.  Indeed  the  cheat  is  so 
palpable,  that  any  one  who  has  read  his  Bible  with  atten- 
tion must  needs  see  through  it.  But  by  these  proceed- 
ings, I  soon  found  I  had  cut  out  a  great  deal  of  work  for 
myself,  so  that  I  was  obliged  to  be  doubly  diligent.  How- 
ever, my  sole  delight  being  to  promote  the  works  of  dark- 
ness, I  soon  struck  off  seventy  new  medals,  inscribed  Car- 
DiNALis.  These  I  presented  to  his  holiness,  who  examined 
them  with  great  attention,  and  was  highly  pleased  with  the 
ingenious  device. 

"  Most  noble  spirit,  said  he  to  me,  these  medals,  I  per- 
ceive, will  raise  the  gentlemen  who  receive  them  next  in 
dignity  to  myself,  and  they  will  be  the  first  and  most  able 
to  support  the  see  of  Rome."  You  must  needs  know,  my 
friends,  that  this  prediction  has  been  fully  accomplished. 
For  in  all  ages,  since  the  cardinals  have  received  their 
medals,  they  have  been  truly  indefatigable  in  establishing 
the  power  and  supremacy  of  the  Pope.    His  holiness  and 


OF    DEVILS.  151 

they  being  so  intimately  connected,  that  tliey  must  stand  or 
fall  together. 

In  the  next  place,  I  struck  off  a  considerable  number, 
somewhat  inferior  to  the  former,  distinguished  by  a  Mitre 
on  one  side,  and  on  the  other  by  the  inscription  Arciii-epis- 
copus ;  whicli,  in  like  manner,  I  presented  to  the  father  of 
the  world,  much  to  his  satisfaction.  These,  said  he,  shall 
fix  the  class  next  to  tlie  former,  and  I  doubt  not  but  every 
one  of  them  will  be  sufficiently  obsequious,  in  expectation 
of  a  cardinal's  hat.  The  archbishops  being  thus  disposed  of, 
I  took  all  the  diocesan  medals,  which  I  had  formerly  pro- 
duced, and  pat  them  under  the  care  and  disposal  of  the  pre- 
late ;  and  he  was  pleased  to  assign  them  to  those,  who  were 
next  in  place  to  the  archbishops,  each  one  in  humble  ex- 
pectation of  higher  preferment. 

AvARO.  Hah,  uncle !  was  it  you  that  made  those  titles, 
ascribed  to  the  various  orders  of  the  clergy  ? 

Fastosus.  Was  it  I,  do  you  ask  {  Yes,  it  was  I  mdeed ! 
Who  ever  read  in  the  New  Testament,  any  thing  at  all 
about  a  supreme  bishop,  or  about  cardinals,  and  lord  bishops? 
I  made  them  all,  I  assure  you,  nephew ;  though  I  will  not 
affirm  that  every  person  who  has  borne  these  names,  has 
been  absolutely  under  the  dominion  of  pride. 

To  my  great  honor  I  speak  it,  Avaro,  I  ceased  not  when 
I  had  made  their  lordships  the  diocesans,  but  went  on  with 
my  trade,  until  I  had  procured  curious  medals  for  a  very 
great  number  of  abbots,  swarms  of  monks  and  friars,  Jesuits, 
franciscan  and  dominican  friars,  with  a  long  train  of  et  cet- 
eras,  who  soon  appeared  in  shoals,  as  numerous  as  locusts 
when  they  ascend  out  of  the  bottomless  pit.  Then  followed 
the  bare-headed  capuchins,  mendicants,  penitents,  pilgrims, 
&c.  without  number.  Those  religious  gentry  owe  all  their 
dignity  to  me,  unless  it  may  be  that  Avaro  has  some  little 
hand  in  the  matter. 

Avaro.  You  do  me  great  honor,  sir,  in  mentioning  me  as 
a  worker  together  with  you. 

Fastosus.  After  all  this,  the  subtle  priest  thought  that 
the  antichristian  hierarchy  of  Rome  could  not  stand  upon  a 
foundation  solid  enough,  unless  all,  or  at  least  some  of  the 
princes  of  Europe  were  invested  with  ecclesiastical  titles, 
and  so  adopted  into  the  new-modelled  church.  Therefore,  I 
told  his  holiness,  tliat  I  had  three  highly  finished  medals  by 


152  DIALOGUES 

me,  ready  prepared,  fitting  for  royal  personages.  Here,  said 
I,  is  one  inscribed  Rex  Catholicus ;  let  it  be  presented  to 
your  servant  his  majesty  of  Spain.  This  second  medal,  in- 
scribed Rex  Christianissimus,  will  be  an  acceptable  present 
to  your  vassal  the  French  king ;  and  this  third,  inscribed 
Rex  Fidelissimus,  I  advise  you  to  bestow  upon  the  little 
monarch  of  Portugal.  His  hoary  holiness,  with  raptures,  re- 
plied, "Very  good,  most  noble  Fastosus;  this  device  will 
doubtless  secure  all  these  three  princes,  as  so  many  pillars, 
to  support  my  infallibility.  But  what  of  the  king  of  England, 
sir  ]  I  dread  those  islanders.  Is  there  no  medallion  charm, 
by  which  that  invincible  prince  can  be  secured  to  our  in- 
terest ]  I  pray  you,  good  Fastosus,  lend  me  an  hand  in  this. 

I  shall  endeavor  to  serve  your  holiness,  replied  I,  and 
then  he  withdrew.  Soon  after  I  presented  him  with  a  medal 
suited  to  his  wish.  It  bore  the  inscription.  Defensor  Fide, 
and  was  given  to  the  monarch  of  England ;  but,  alas !  it  has 
not  answered  our  expectations ;  for  this  same  monarch,  in- 
stead of  defending  the  orthodox  faith  of  Rome,  was  tlie  first 
crowned  head  that  protested  against  the  supremacy  of  the 
Italian  bishop. 

AvARO.  It  is  somewhat  droll,  that  the  king  of  England, 
havmg  shaken  off'  the  yoke  of  Rome,  should  still  keep  pos- 
session of  the  medal,  which  his  predecessors  received  as  a 
present  from  the  pope.  One  would  think  that  when  the 
pope  himself  was  renounced,  in  strict  justice,  all  his  gifts 
should  have  been  restored,  and  the  title.  Defender  of  the 
Faith,  have  been  by  a  Protestant  prince  rejected  amongst 
the  rest  of  Romish  trumpery;  but  wonders  never  cease. 
Did  you  finish  here,  sir  1 

Fastosus.  No,  Avaro,  lassure  you,  many  titles  besides  these 
were  first  issued  from  my  office,  such  as  his  grace,  a  title 
claimed  by  many  a  graceless  duke,  as  well  as  anti-christian 
priest.  His  lordship,  a  title  by  which  many  a  profane  noble- 
man and  irreligious  bishop  are  distinguished.  His  honor, 
claimed  by  many  who  never  felt  one  desire  after  true  lienor. 
When  a  gentleman's  honor  depends  merely  upon  his  estate, 
table  and  equipage,  such  a  title  as  his  honor,  very  ill  becomes 
him,  yet  many  such  there  are  who  claim  the  appellation. 

Avaro.  .If  high  birth,  and  an  ample  fortune,  do  not  entitle 
a  man  to  his  honor,  I  pray  you  what  will  ? 

Fastosus.    An  honorable  conduct,  Avaro,  without  whicli 


OF    DEVILS.  153 

he  is  only  a  clown  in  diso^uise.  And  many  such  fools  you 
may  find  wrapped  in  scarlet  and  lace,  with  swords  dangling 
by  their  sides. 

Impiator.  I  beg  leave  to  observe,  that  according  to  modern 
maxims  in  my  country,  he  is  esteemed  a  man  of  honor,  who 
can  imitate  the  popish  priests  in  scorning  wedlock,  and  fre- 
quenting the  company  of  lewd  women.  He  who  is  a  stran- 
ger to  every  delicate  and  chaste  sentiment ;  who  scorns  re- 
ligion, disregards  morality,  and  thinks  it  beneath  his  dignity 
to  keep  any  of  the  commands  of  God ;  or  even  for  a  moment 
to  reflect  that  there  is  an  hereafter.  It  would  be  difficult  to 
persuade  some  people,  that  the  British  senate  is  too  much 
composed  of  such  men  of  honor  as  these.  I  should  be  glad, 
sir,  to  hear  your  opinion  of  a  man  of  honor  more  at  large, 
for  I  know  that  you  are  wise. 

Fastosus.  a  gentleman  of  true  honor,  fails  not  to  im- 
prove his  estate,  be  it  great  or  small,  to  the  best  advantage ; 
for  he  is  neither  indolent  nor  extravagant.  His  increasing 
revenues  are  not  heaped  up  for  adoration,  nor  laid  by  as 
useless  lumber,  but  applied  to  clothe  the  naked  back,  and 
refresh  the  empty  belly.  His  principal  care  is  not  how  he 
may  aggrandize  his  family,  but  how  he  may  best  serve  his 
king  and  country ;  for  he  lives  not  to  himself,  but  to  the 
public  good.  He  adheres  to  strict  truth,  is  an  utter  stranger 
to  impertinent  raillery,  and  perfectly  detests  the  voice  of 
slander.  In  his  civil  affairs,  he  does  the  same  things  to  su- 
periors, inferiors,  and  equals,  which  he  would  wish  others 
in  like  circumstances  to  do  for  himself  If  at  any  time  he 
is  so  unhappy  as  to  give  his  neighbor  just  cause  of  offence, 
he  is  free  and  open  in  confessing  his  error,  and  ready  to  re- 
trieve it  to  the  utmost  of  his  power.  The  title  of  his  honor 
is  well  becoming  such  a  man  as  this,  whether  his  estate  is 
great  or  small,  his  birth  illustrious  or  obscure.  But  merce- 
nary statesmen,  plunderers  of  the  public,  ill  deserve  the 
titles  with  which  they  are  distinguished.  Happy  might  it 
be  for  Britain,  if  she  could  always  procure  officers  for  every 
department,  in  government,  who  would  prefer  the  welfare 
of  the  nation  to  their  own  persona]  and  domestic  emolument ! 
And  this  every  man  of  true  honor  will  be  sure  perpetually 
to  do. 

AvARo.  Then,  uncle,  I  am  inclined  to  think,  that  men  of 
honor  are  not  quite  so  plenty  as  some  people  have  imagined. 


154  DIALOGUES 

Fastosus.  I  am  sorry  to  say  it,  Avaro ;  but,  bad  as  the 
world  is,  there  are  still  many  to  be  found,  who  with  propri- 
ety may  be  called  men  of  honor :  but  it  is  well  for  us,  they 
are  mostly  of  obscure  character.  They  cannot  act  the 
cringing  knave,  and  vilely  flatter  their  superiors,  in  order 
to  gain  preferment.  Their  countenances,  adorned  with 
comely  modesty,  cannot  contend  with  the  impudence  of 
fools  and  rogues,  therefore  continue  obscure  when  the  most 
worthless  are  exalted.  But  if  a  truly  honorable  man  should, 
by  some  miracle,  ascend  to  an  eminent  station,  and  be  in- 
trusted with  public  concerns,  his  country  is  sure  to  find  a 
nursing  father,  and  not  an  accursed  step-dame  in  him,  as  is 
often  the  case  with  other  governors. 

There  is,  likewise,  his  reverence  the  parson,  a  title 
ascribed  to  many  men,  who  lead  very  irreverend  lives. 

Avaro.  True,  sir ;  but  it  is  the  vulgar  opinion,  that  the 
reverence  of  the  parson  does  not  depend  upon  his  moral 
conduct,  but  upon  his  investiture,  received  from  the  hand 
of  the  bishop. 

Fastosus.  I  know  it  Avaro ;  but  it  is  a  prevailing  mis- 
take. Imposition  of  the  hands,  even  of  an  apostle,  could 
never  make  any  man  reverend,  whose  doctrine  is  heterodox, 
or  whose  conversation  is  immoral :  otherwise  our  friend  Si- 
mon of  Samaria  might  have  been  numbered  among  their 
reverences.  Indeed,  Avaro,  were  any  man  hardy  enough 
to  attempt  it,  I  know  of  no  subject  more  proper  for  satire 
than  the  pretended  reverence  of  the  parsons.  But  he  must 
be  daring  indee^,  who  would  set  himself  to  oppose  the  or- 
thodox priests  of  the  day,  for  that  would  be  thought  by  many 
the  very  same  as  to  oppose  God  Almighty  himself,  and  every 
body  would  cry  Atheist  at  him. 

Avaro.  Pray,  sir,  what  is  your  opinion  of  reverence,  and 
to  whom  may  the  epithet  of  reverend  consistently  be  given  ? 

Fastosus.  To  very  few  of  the  leaders  of  any  denomina- 
tion, Avaro  ;  and  yet  perhaps  to  some  few  of  every  denomi- 
nation among  Protestants.  I  hate  them,  cousin,  and  could 
not  bear  to  talk  of  them  were  it  not  to  oblige  you ;  for  they 
are  avowed  enemies  to  our  administration,  as  you  will  see 
by  the  description  of  them.  For  he  is  a  reverend  minister, 
whether  he  was  educated  at  Oxford  or  Aberdeen,  who  makes 
not  gold,  but  the  glory  of  Immanuel,  and  the  welfare  of  im- 
mortal souls,  the  first  end  of  his  labors ;  who  is  assiduous  in 


OF    DEVILS.  155 

his  study,  fervent  in  his  ministry,  and  has  a  paternal  affec- 
tion for  his  people ;  who  studies  not  how  to  please  the  great, 
or  to  g^in  the  esteem  of  the  staring  multitude,  but  to  approve 
himself  to  God  and  the  consciences  of  men,  not  shunning  to 
declare  the  whole  counsel  of  God,  without  any  mixture  of 
the  inventions  or  traditions  of  men. 

You  may  follow  this  man  from  the  church  to  the  market, 
from  the  pulpit  into  his  family,  and  find  him  all  of  a  piece. 
His  whole  conduct  is  one  chain  of  uniformity.  But  it  is  not 
every  gownsman,  either  papal  or  protestant,  nor  even  every 
dissenting  minister,  whom  this  description  suits.  Some  there 
are,  and  who  can  deny  it,  who  are  haughty  and  overbearmg 
in  their  spirits ;  indolent  in  study ;  cool  and  lifeless  in  their 
ministry ;  thoughtless  and  unconcerned  about  the  real  wel- 
fare of  tlieir  people.  Yea,  some  are  so  wretchedly  lazy, 
or  so  much  taken  up  with  idle  and  vain  amusements,  that  it 
is  with  difficulty  they  can  bring  forth,  once  a  week,  an  ora- 
tion, fifteen  or  twenty  minutes  long;  and  that  scanty  pro- 
duction, perhaps,  when  it  is  exhibited,  proves  no  more  than 
a  lecture  on  moral  philosophy ;  or  it  may  be  a  libel  against 
some  different  party  or  denomination  of  Christians.  You 
may  follow  some  of  them  from  the  church  to  their  families, 
and  be  fully  convinced  they  are  divines  only  in  name.  They 
neglect  in  their  families  the  very  duties  which  they  recom- 
mend to  others.  And  what  is  still  more,  connive  at  the  same 
vices  in  their  families,  which  they  expose  and  condemn  in 
the  pulpit.  But  after  all,  they  have  the  cure  of  souls,  and 
are  the  venerable  and  reverend  clergy,  in  the  same  manner 
as  the  pope  is  the  head  of  the  church :  I  mean  by  craft  and 
usurpation. 

AvARo.  I  have  got  a  noble  company  of  these  same  par- 
sons in  my  corporation  of  Avarice,  whose  business  it  is  to 
vend  wind  in  order  to  obtain  wealth.  A  company  confined 
to  no  one  denomination,  but  made  up  of  all.  Every  one  of 
this  company  has  got  his  own  system  of  priestcraft,  but  all 
are  intent  upon  the  main  point,  viz.  to  get  as  much  wealth 
by  his  craft  as  possible.  Indeed,  the  mother  church  of  Rome 
very  far  outstrips  the  rest,  for  she  may  lawfully  boast  that 
her  clergy,  to  a  man,  are  the  stedfast  worshippers  of  the  god 
Avaro,  their  great  benefactor. 

However,  the  Protestants,  both  Calvinists  and  Lutherans, 
all  who  are  freemen,  in  the  company  of  Avarice,  keep  as 


156  DIALOGUES 

near  as  possible  to  the  orthodox  priests  of  Rome,  in  making 
a  lucrative  trade  of  what  they  call  the  gospel.  And  however 
they  differ  about  what  is,  and  what  is  not,  gospel,  they  see 
eye  to  eye  in  regard  to  making  profit  of  it,  and  turning  the 
altar  of  the  Lord  to  their  own  emolument. 

Infidelis.  How  should  it  be  otherwise,  my  son,  seeing 
there  are  in  some  places  manufactories,  on  purpose  for 
making  parsons  1 

Fastosus.  So  I  have  heard,  brother,  with  this  addition, 
that  the  making  of  parsons  is  reckoned  both  a  lucrative  and 
honorable  employment,  not  unworthy  of  my  own  patronage. 
But,  between  you  and  me,  the  parson-makers  are  grievously 
disappointed  frequently,  however  little  they  are  sensible  of 
it :  for  when  they  put  their  materials  into  the  refining  fur- 
nace, they  hope  to  see  at  the  end  of  the  process,  a  bright 
and  shining  minister  of  Jesus  Christ  come  forth :  but  lo  !  a 
learned  calf  is  produced,  and  a  fervent  adorer  of  the  god 
Avaro. 

Infidelis.  It  cannot  be  otherwise ;  for,  to  our  grief  I 
speak  it,  the  unalterable  Immanuel  hath  reserved  to  himself 
the  wisdom,  power,  and  prerogative,  to  make  ministers  of 
the  gospel ;  and  if  men,  like  Jannes  and  Jambers,  will  take 
upon  them  to  imitate  the  immutable  works  of  the  Almighty, 
they  may  be  permitted  to  make  things  w^hich  may,  for  a 
time,  be  mistaken  for  gospel  ministers,  even  as  those  magi- 
cians performed  miracles  by  divine  permission. 

Impiator.  So  then,  gentlemen,  I  perceive  your  opinion  is, 
that  learning  the  languages  and  sciences  unfits  a  man  for 
being  a  gospel  minister. 

Fastosus.  No,  Impiator,  no  such  thing,  or  the  gift  of 
tongues  had  not  been  given  at  the  feast  of  Pentecost :  but 
it  may  be  averred,  that  if  a  man  has  no  more  learning  than 
the  most  learned  university  can  give  him,  he  cannot  pos- 
sibly be  a  minister  of  Jesus  Christ.  It  is  resting  in  these 
things  as  the  only  qualifications,  we  thmk  proper  to  laugh 
at,  Impiator. 

Avaro.  Among  those  mercenary  orators,  there  are  whom 
we  call  the  Jumblers,  They  are  such  who  study  not  their 
sermons  from  the  scripture,  but  compile  them  from  the  wri- 
tings of  other  men.  Being  destitute  of  judgment  to  direct 
them  in  their  compilations,  they  are  obliged  to  rely  implicitly 


OF    DEVILS.        ^  157 

on  the  sentiments  of  their  authors.  So  it  comes  to  pass, 
that  they  contradict  on  one  Sabbath  what  they  asserted  and 
lialf  proved  the  day  before,  merely  because  they  happened 
to  stumble  on  authors  of  dirterent  sentiments.  But,  alas! 
poor  men,  what  shall  they  do  !  It  is  their  trade ;  they  know 
not  how  to  get  a  living  without  it ;  they  cannot  dig,  and  to 
beg  they  are  ashamed ;  therefore  are  under  a  necessity  of 
jumblmg  forward,  in  the  best  manner  they  can.  Of  late 
years,  indeed,  this  jumbling  tribe  have  hit  on  a  more  happy 
method  of  management,  by  which  they  both  save  their  repu- 
tation and  laborious  study.  Amongst  learned  men,  there 
have  always  been  some  few  of  genius  and  industry,  who 
have  found  means  to  turn  the  dullness  and  indolence  of  their 
brethren  to  their  own  emolument.  They  compose  sermons, 
print  and  sell  them  to  the  others,  who  pay  first  a  good  price 
for  them,  then  preach  them,  that  is  to  say,  read  them  to  their 
several  congregations.  Enfield's,  and  Webb's,  and  Trusler's 
sermons  have  been  of  great  use  to  many  a  dull  and  lazy 
clergyman. 

Fastosus.  How  is  this,  Avaro  1  You  speak  of  the  par- 
sons as  if  they  were  at  best  but  learned  fools.  How  is  it 
possible  they  should  be  so  highly  revered  by  the  people  if 
they  were  such  ? 

Avaro.  I  speak  but  of  some  of  them,  uncle ;  and  to  make 
good  what  I  say,  I  can  tell  you  that  it  is  not  the  man,  whom 
the  ignorant  populace  revere,  so  much  as  the  gown,  cassock, 
and  band ;  and  these  they  would  revere  if  they  were  seen 
upon  an  ass,  provided  always,  his  ears  were  hid  with  a  bush 
of  well-powdered  hair.  I  assure  you,  gentlemen,  amongst 
the  intelligent  laity,  it  is  deemed  a  maxim,  that  any  block- 
head will  do  very  well  for  a  parson,  if  he  has  but  friends  to 
recommend  him  to  a  living :  as  a  proof  of  this  I  shall  tell 
you  a  short  story.  There  is  one  Mr.  Provident,  a  merchant 
in  London,  who  had  four  sons  at  a  grammar-school,  under 
tiie  direction  of  a  learned  gentleman  of  excellent  sense.  It 
was  lately  Mr.  Provident  made  a  visit  to  his  sons  and  their 
tutor,  when  he  took  occasion  to  ask  Mr.  Teachum's  advice, 
in  regard  to  his  disposal  of  them. 

To  which  the  schoolmaster  replied:  "Sir,  I  have  often, 
with  pleasure,  observed  a  penetrating  judgment,  solid  un- 
derstanding, and  an  inviolable  attachment  to  truth,  ennobled 
O 


158  «  DIALOGUES 

with  the  generous  principles  of  true  benevolence,  in  your 
eldest  son.  These  qualities,  sir,  are  excellently  adapted,  to 
the  mercantile  life.  I  would  therefore  advise  you  to  train 
him  up  in  your  own  business.  Your  second  son,  Master 
Thomas,  has  genius  sufficient  for  any  business ;  but  I  hope, 
sir,  you  will  excuse  me,  if  I  tell  you  that  I  have  discerned 
one  thing  in  him,  which,  in  my  judgment,  unfits  him  for  the 
capacity  of  a  merchant.  As  I  know,  sir,  you  would  have 
me  to  speak  freely,  you  will  not  be  offended  with  me,  if  I 
tell  you  that  it  is  a  selfishness  and  contractedness  of  spirit, 
together  with  a  violent  propensity  for  lying  and  equivocation. 
If  he  were  my  son,  sir,  I  would  bring  him  up  to  the  law,  in 
wliich  he  will  very  likely  make  a  conspicuous  figure.  Your 
youngest  son,  Master  James,  has,  if  I  mistake  not,  along  with 
a  very  considerable  degree  of  dullness,  an  heart  that  is  a 
stranger  to  sympathetic  feelings ;  but  possesseth  genius  suf- 
ficient for  a  physician.  I  would  point  out  the  royal  college 
for  his  residence." 

Here  Mr.  Provident,  the  merchant,  interrupted  him,  and 
said,  "  Sir,  you  have  given  your  opinion  of  the  two  eldest, 
and  the  youngest ;  but  you  say  nothing  of  Harry,  my  third 
son.  I  pray,  what  do  you  say  of  him"?"  To  which  the 
teacher,  with  a  blush,  replied,  "  If  it  is  agreeable,  sir,  I 
would  advise  you  to  make  him  a  clergyman."  To  this  the 
father,  with  a  mixture  of  grief  and  anger,  replied,  "  What, 
sir,  do  you  think  he  hath  genius  sufficient  for  nothing  else  3" 
"  I  am  afraid  not,  said  the  master ;  but  you  can  easily  make 
friends  with  my  lord  bishop,  and  procure  him  a  considerable 
benefice.  Take  this  step,  sir,  and  his  lack  of  genius  will 
scarcely  be  known,  as  he  may  preach  and  administer  the 
offices  of  the  church  by  proxy,  which  you  know  is  very  gen- 
tleman-like." 

Infidelis.  And  do  you  really  think,  Avaro,  that  it  is  want 
of  abilities  to  preach,  that  causeth  so  many  vicars  to  keep 
journeymen  to  do  their  work  for  them  1 

Avaro.  With  some,  sir,  want  of  abilities  is  the  principal 
cause,  and  with  the  rest,  an  utter  aversion  to  the  work ; 
though,  by  the  way,  they  once  professed  to  be  drawn  to  it  by 
no  less  an  infli^nce  than  that  of  the  Holy  Ghost ;  but  tliat 
was  when  a  benefice  was  the  object  of  their  pursuit,  and 
therefore  not  to  be  regarded  after  their  end  is  obtained. 


OF    DEVILS.  159 

Fastosus.  Cousin  Avaro,  here  I  believe  we  must  stop,  as 
we  have  certainly  overstaid  our  time.  I  hold  it  good,  there- 
fore that  we  depart,  and  meet  here  at  the  usual  time  to- 
morrow. Business, you  know,  must  not  be  neglected.  Adieu, 
my  kinsmen. 


DIALOGUE  XII. 

ALL   THE   DIALOGEANS    PRESENT. 

Fastosus.  Well,  gentlemen,  I  hope  no  idleness  has  at- 
tended any  of  our  fraternity,  since  last  meeting.  I  went 
directly  from  you  to  assist  a  London  jeweller  in  forming  a 
set  of  ear-rings  and  pendants  upon  a  new  construction.  I 
made  him  sensible  of  the  most  elegant  plan,  enjoined  him 
to  pursue  it,  give  the  praise  to  his  patron  Fastosus,  and  so  I 
left  him. 

biPiATOR.  I  pray  you,  sir,  what  is  the  real  use  of  ear- 
rings ]  For  my  part,  I  have  never  been  able  to  apprehend 
it,  unless  it  is  to  save  a  small  matter  of  gold  against  a  day  of 
penury. 

Fastosus,  They  are  of  no  use  at  all  to  the  wearer,  Tmpi- 
ator,  though  they  help  the  goldsmith  and  lapidary  not  a  little ; 
but  they  are  of  excellent  use  to  our  government.  You  know 
the  boring  of  the  ear  always  was  and  now  is  an  emblem  of 
servitude.  Yea,  it  is  an  mcontrovertible  point  that  the  act 
of  boring,  and  suffering  the  ear  to  be  bored,  is  a  token  of 
subjection  to  the  infernal  monarch. 

Impiator.  Ah,  sir,  how  violently  the  spleen  would  rage 
among  the  ladies,  w^ere  they  to  know  what  you  say  of  them. 

Fastosus.  And  let  it  rage,  cousin.  What  is  that  to  me '? 
— The  ladies  are  too  much  in  love  with  courtjy  Fastosus,  to 
banish  me  from  amono-  them,  even  in  their  spleenish  fits. — But 
to  explain  the  doctrine  of  ear-rings,  be  it  obser\-ed,  that  the 
crafty  Beelzebub  hath  an  invisible  chain  fixed  to  the  ear- 
rmg,  by  wliich  he  leads  the  wearers  a  wild-goose  chase 
through  all  the  vanities  of  the  times.  No  sooner  does  the 
eable  governor  tug  a  lady  by  the  ear,  than  she  feels  an  im- 
pulse upon  her  heart,  which  directs  her  to  the  Play-house, 


160  DIALOGUES 

Opera,  Vauxhall,  Sadlers- Wells,  or  elsewhere ;  but  very  sel- 
dom to  the  church.  If,  at  any  time,  for  the  sake  of  company, 
she  takes  her  pleasure  at  church,  the  great  deceiver  keeps 
such  a  gingling  of  the  chain  in  her  ear,  that  she  cannot  at- 
tend to  one  word  of  the  service ;  by  these  means  the  Park, 
the  Mall,  the  Play-house,  and  the  church,  are,  in  effect,  the 
same  thing  to  many  ladies  of  fashion. 

AvARO.  And  are  all  who  wear  rings  in  their  ears  to  be 
looked  upon  as  slaves  to  the  great  Beelzebub,  uncle  1 

Fastosus.  No,  Avaro,  not  all ;  for  the  invincible  Immanuel 
hath  broken  the  chains  and  loosened  the  bands  of  servitude 
from  many.  Nevertheless,  they  still  wear  the  rings  in  their 
ears,  to  testify  what  they  have  been.  And  what  news  from 
your  friends,  Avaro  1 

Avaro.  Very  little,  sir ;  only  that  diligence,  frugality,  and 
good  husbandry,  go  on  as  usual.  All  heads  plodding,  and  all 
hands  active  to  get  and  to  save ;  for  getting  and  saving  is  all 
the  cry  with  them.  I  had  a  little  matter  to  attend  to  last 
night  at  the  Swan  tavern,  where  there  was  a  very  respect- 
able meeting  of  manufacturers,  by  whom  some  few  things, 
tending  to  promote  emolument,  were  considered.  The  first 
consultation  was,  "  How  they  might  conveniently  lessen  the 
quality  of  their  goods,  that  their  profit  might  be  somewhat 
advanced."  In  order  to  this,  a  plan  was  proposed  by  Mr. 
Dolus,  a  very  great  tradesman,  which  was  unanimously 
agreed  to  by  the  rest.  The  second  thing  was  to  settle  the 
prices,  and  come  into  mutual  engagements,  that  no  one 
should  undersell  his  brethren  ;  which,  after  some  slight  al- 
tercation, was  as  unanimously  settled.  You  must  know,  man- 
kind are  not  satisfied  with  being  oppressed  by  infernal  ty- 
ranny ;  but  to  add  to  the  devil's  work,  are  got  into  the  hap- 
py way  of  joining  in  combinations  to  oppress  and  devour  one 
another.  Nor  is  this  practice  peculiar  to  any  one  set  of 
men,  but  is  common  with  dealers  of  every  kind  and  denomi- 
nation, from  the  opulent  farmers  to  the  dealers  in  coal  and 
candles. 

When  this  was  done,  a  question  was  put.  How  they  should 
finish  a  certain  quantity  of  goods  against  a  certain  day  then 
proposed  ]  For  it  seems  they  have  large  orders  at  present. 
To  which  one  of  them  said,  he  thought  it  necessary  to  ad- 
vance the  journeymen's  wages  in  order  to  encourage  their 
diligence.     But  this  gentleman's  motion  was  unanimously 


OF   DEVILS.  161 

rejected,  as  an  unprofitable  way  of  proceeding,  very  ill- 
suited  to  the  growing  demands  of  their  several  tamilies.  It 
was  then  proposed,  that  a  small  premium  should  be  given  to 
every  workman  wlio  sliould  finish  a  certain  quantity  of 
goods  in  a  limited  time,  then  and  there  to  be  stipulated. 
But  this  also  was  objected  to,  it  being  alleged,  that  some 
method  might  be  foiuid  that  would  produce  the  desired  end, 
and  yet  save  all  those  unnecessary  premiums,  which,  if 
given,  would  introduce  a  very  bad  custom. 

At  last,  an  old  gentleman,  whose  hoary  locks  shone  as 
siher  from  under  his  weather-beaten  wig,  arose,  and  most 
judiciously  addressed  his  brethren  in  the  following  manner : 
"  Gentlemen,  you  all  know  that  such  is  the  indolent  dispo- 
sition of  journeymen,  that,  in  general,  let  their  wages  be 
ever  so  good,  they  have  no  notion  of  obtaining  more  than 
will  procure  them  a  bare  maintenance  through  the  week, 
and  a  few  quarts  of  strong  beer  on  Saturday  night  and  Sun- 
day. Therefore,  to  advance  their  wages  is  the  certain  way 
to  have  them  work  less  than  they  do  at  present.  But  let 
us  lessen  their  wages  in  proportion  to  our  extraordinary  call 
for  goods ;  for  by  how  much  the  more  we  drop  the  prices  of 
workmanship,  by  so  much  the  more  work  shall  we  have 
done.  A  bare  living  they  must  have,  let  the  prices  be  ever 
so  low;  and  but  a  bare  living  they  will  have,  if  they  are 
ever  so  high.  If  we  advance  the  price,  they  work  less,  and 
if  we  drop  it,  tliey  will,  they  iniist  work  more.  I  say  then 
let  us  drop  the  prices." 

The  old  gentleman's  advice  was  cordially  embraced  by 
them  all,  and  every  one  blessed  the  sagacity  of  the  old  fox, 
now  grown  gray  in  wisdom.  And  this  day,  or  to-morrow, 
the  journeymen's  wages  are  to  be  lessened  accordingly. 

Fastosus.  In  the  close  of  our  last  interview  I  was  going 
to  observe,  that  my  prevalency  is  great  amongst  the  no- 
bility and  gentry.  By  my  indefatigable  industry,  the  greater 
part  of  them  are  rendered  altogether  insensible  of  their 
origin,  so  that  they  look  down  upon  their  inferiors  as  a  set 
of  despicable  creatures,  of  a  species  very  different  from 
themselves :  not  considermg  that  my  lord  Superbo  and  poor 
I^azar  Askalms  are  by  nature  brethren,  formed  of  the  same 
materials,  and  conceived  in  the  womb  of  the  same  earth. 

AvARO.  Yet,  sir,  if  my  observations  are  just,  I  think  they 
have  some  kind  of  an  imperfect  notion  that  they  were  origin- 
02 


162  DIALOGUES 

ally  formed  of  the  earth ;  but  as  one  part  of  the  substance 
of  the  earth  is  esteemed  much  more  precious  and  valuable 
than  another,  perhaps  the  people  of  fashion  have  the  happi- 
ness of  being  formed  of'  the  more  rich  and  esteemed  par- 
ticles, and  the  rest  of  mankind  the  infelicitj'-  of  deriving 
their  beings  from  vulgar  clay.  This  is  the  more  likely,  as 
there  is  a  manifest  difference  between  their  constitutions 
and  those  of  people  in  the  lower  spheres  of  life ;  the  first 
being  brittle  and  feeble,  the  latter  more  robust  and  healthy. 

Fastosus.  That  is  false  philosophy,  Avaro.  The  brittle- 
ness  you  speak  of  does  not  proceed  from  any  defect  in  the 
natural  constitution  of  their  frame,  nor  from  any  rottenness 
in  the  materials  of  which  they  are  made,  but  hath  its  cause 
from  themselves.  Many  of  them,  in  their  infancy,  are  nearly 
starved  from  an  infamous  notion  that  enough  of  wholesome 
food  is  injurious  to  them  :*  and  you  will  commonly  find,  that 
the  food  which  yields  the  most  healthful  aliment,  is  with- 
held from  them,  at  the  instance  of  Dr.  Scrawl,  the  family 
physician.  This  same  gentleman  has  not  so  little  sense  un- 
der his  great  wig  as  not  to  know  that  his  own  personal 
emolument  is  intimately  connected  with  the  weak  consti- 
tutions of  people  of  quality,  especially  the  ladies.  By  his 
many  years'  study  of  physic,  he  has  proved  to  a  demonstra- 
tion, that  if  the  young  gentry  were  suffered  to  eat  enough 
of  wholesome  food,  like  the  farmers'  children,  his  business 
would  not  be  worth  following. 

Avaro.  I  know  it  well :  for  there  is  one  of  my  disciples, 
a  certain  physician  eminent  in  practice,  who  hath  acquired 
a  genteel  fortune  by  prescription,  and  who,  if  he  is  indis- 
posed himself,  will  not  suffer  an  apothecary's  drug  to  pass 
his  gullet ;  a  plain  indication  that  he  knows  it  to  be  hurtful. 
I  have  often  thought,  a  good  constitution  put  into  the  hand 
of  a  doctor,  is  like  a  good  cause  put  into  the  hands  of  the 
lawyers ;  it  gets  worse  with  deceitful  handling.  When  a  man 
is,  by  the  force  of  medicine,  fairly  got  down,  the  skilfiil  phy- 
sician knows  very  well  how  to  hold  him  betwixt  life  and 

*  Some  learned  physicians,  those  celebrated  defrauders  of  the  grave, 
have  found  out  that  bread  itself,  which  has  been  esteemed  the  staff  of 
life  in  all  ages,  is  at  last  bijcomo  dangerous  to  the  constitution,  and  there- 
fore to  be  used  with  caution  by  all  sorts  of  people,  especially  such  as  are 
best  able  to  fee  the  doctor  in  case  of  personal  indisposition.  As  for  the 
poor,  it  is  less  matter  what  they  eat,  as  the  faculty  can  reap  but  littla 
advantage  from  their  sickneso. 


OF    DEVILS.  163 

death  as  lonfr  as  possible ;  until  at  last  he  dies  by  inches  of 
that  prevailing  distemper  which  kills  so  many  people  of 
fashion, 

Fastosus.  True,  Avaro.  But  farther  to  prove  the  gentry 
the  causers  of  their  own  infirmity,  I  would  observe,  that 
what,  in  infancy,  penury  and  want  leave  of  the  constitu- 
tion unconsumed,  luxury  and  idleness  well-nigh  finish  in 
youth  ;  so  that  when  the  lady  comes  to  embrace  an  husband, 
the  one-half  of  her  remaining  days  are  spent  under  the  hand 
of  the  doctor,  and  the  other  half  in  pleasure  and  dissipation. 
As  for  the  young  gentlemen,  before  the  boyish  down  on  their 
faces  is  able  to  resist  tlie  razor,  they  have  commonly  con- 
tracted such  lothesome  disorders  as  render  them  more  fit 
for  an  infirmary  than  for  the  marriage-bed,  and  have  more 
need  of  a  surgeon  than  a  wife.  Thus,  Avaro,  you  may  see 
by  what  means  the  constitutions  of  the  gentry  are  so  fre- 
quently enfeebled. 

That  they  are  formed  of  the  same  materials  with  their 
inferiors  will  appear,  when  you  consider  that  there  were 
none  either  noble  or  ignoble  in  the  original  state  of  man- 
kind ;  all  w^ere  on  a  common  level ;  but  when  we  had  made 
a  conquest  of  them,  it  became  necessary  for  the  Almighty 
to  dissolve  the  original  equality,  that  the  world  might  be 
rendered  in  some  measure  tolerable  to  all,  amidst  the  con- 
fusion and  disorder  which  our  dominion  over  them  had  in- 
troduced. For  if  people  cry  out  that  the  world  is  bad  now, 
it  is  certain  it  would  be  infinitely  worse  were  superiority 
and  inferiority  utterly  abolished.  Moreover,  the  Almighty, 
to  manifest  the  equity  of  his  procedure,  has  so  ordered  it, 
that  the  system  of  superiority  and  inferiority  is  perpetually 
upon  the  change.  You  may  find  some  persons  now  asking 
alms  from  place  to  place,  who  are  descended  from  princes 
and  nobles ;  and  others  in  the  most  exalted  stations,  who  had 
their  descent  from  very  beggars. 

IxFiDEi.is.  Ay,  brother,  that  very  consideration,  to  urge 
no  more,  if  duly  attended  to,  would  prevent  the  contempt 
which  people  of  elevated  rank  are  apt  to  let  fall  on  their 
inferiors.  But  let  them  go  on  until  the  grand  leveller  Death 
approach.  He  spares  neither  rich  nor  poor,  noble  nor  igno- 
ble. Samael  knows  no  distinction,  cannot  be  bribed  like 
temporal  judges,  admits  of  no  excuses,  and  is  an  utter  stran- 
ger to  pity.    At  prince,  at  peasant,  at  the  noble  earl  and  his 


164  DIALOGUES 

servile  groom,  at  the  dame  of  honor,  and  tlie  scorched  cook- 
maid,  he  aims  alike  his  unerring  shaft,  and  brings  all  again 
to  the  dust,  from  whence  they  were  taken,  to  rot  in  their 
original  equahty. 

Fastosus.  There  is  another  race,  which  we  distinguish 
by  the  name  of  mongrels,  with  whom  I  am  deeply  con- 
cerned. This  generation  of  half-bred  gentry  includes  trades- 
men, the  gentlemen  of  the  law  and  of  the  faculty,  together 
with  the  farmers.  These  gentry  consider  themselves  pretty 
near,  if  not  altogether,  on  a  level  with  the  country  'squire, 
and  therefore  affect  the  manners  of  their  superiors  as  much 
as  possible.  They  are  gentlemen,  their  wives  are  ladies 
and  madams,  their  children  masters  and  misses.  Hundreds 
of  such  gentlemen  and  ladies  have  I  known,  who  could  not 
boast  that  any  of  their  ancestors,  back  to  the  tenth  genera- 
tion, were  proprietors  of  so  much  as  a  cottage  with  a  cab- 
bage. Yet  they  imperiously  assume  a  title  of  address,  equal 
to  that  of  the  queen's  majesty  ;  and  no  laborer  or  mechanic 
must  dare  to  approach  them,  without  a  sir  or  madam  m  his 
mouth. 

Infidelis.  I  have  sometimes  thought  those  ladies  you 
speak  of,  are  either  ashamed  of  their  given  names,  or  hold 
them  too  sacred  for  the  profane  mouths  of  servants  and  vul- 
gar creatures ;  and  indeed  he  would  be  deemed  the  most 
unmannerly  wretch  that  ever  trod  upon  English  ground, 
who  should  say  that  Sarah  Allgood  is  his  mistress ;  for  Sarah 
must  give  place  to  madam,  and  she  is  now  madam  Allgood, 
the  shopkeeper's  lady ;  and  it  would  be  more  than  her  place 
is  worth,  for  a  servant  to  name  her  mistress  in  terms  less 
respectful. 

AvARO.  Excuse  me,  gentlemen,  you  know  I  love  to  be 
concerting  schemes  of  profit,  and  here  is  one  ready  project- 
ed, which,  if  faithfully  executed,  would  either  fill  the  ex- 
chequer, or  make  a  distinction  betwixt  persons  of  real  qual- 
ity and  their  apes  in  middle  life. 

Fastosus.  What  is  your  scheme,  cousin  1  let  us  hear  it 
if  feasible. 

AvARO.  I  would  advise  the  nobility,  gentry,  &c.  never  to 
go  to  an  horse-course,  cock-pit,  or  play-house ;  not  to  go  to 
Bath  nor  a  bawdy-house,  that  is  to  say,  never  to  rest  until 
they  have  procured  a  bill,  in  which  it  shall  be  enacted,  that 
every  man  shall  pay  the  sum  of  ten  pounds  sterling  per  an- 


OF    DEVILS.  165 

num  who  suffers  his  wife  to  assume  the  name  of  madam.  I 
would  likewise  have  a  tax  of  half  the  value  laid  upon  every 
young  master  and  miss,  the  farmers,  apothecaries,  attorneys 
and  tradesmen's  children,  unless  the  husband  or  father  can 
make  it  appear  that  his  annual  rent,  clear  of  all  encum- 
brance, is  not  less  than  four  hundred  pounds ;  if  so  much,  or 
upwards,  he  should  stand  exempt  from  any  such  penalty, 
and  enjoy  the  free  use  of  such  names  of  quality  in  his 
family. 

Infidelis.  Although  it  is  quite  foreign  to  my  purpose  to 
dictate  any  thing  to  mankind  which  may  be  of  service  to 
them,  I  am  free  among  ourselves  to  say,  that  my  son's 
scheme  is  well  concerted,  and  might  answer  valuable  pur- 
poses were  it  carried  into  execution.  The  numerous  bank- 
ruptcies, which  make  trade  so  precarious  in  England,  have 
their  spring  in  this  fatal  imitation  of  people  of  quality,  so 
prevalent  among  tradesmen.  Could  this  so  very  pernicious 
practice,  by  any  means  be  suppressed,  the  industrious  mer- 
chant and  manufacturer  would  meet  with  fewer  losses  by 
their  retailing  customers. 

To  your  scheme,  however,  I  would  add  another  tax  equal- 
ly necessary,  and  that  is  upon  every  play-house,  assembly- 
room,  and  place  of  pleasurable  resort.  One  fifth,  at  least,  of 
every  ticket  to  Almack's,  Ranelagh,  every  play-house, 
Cornely's,  Sadler's-wells,  the  Pantheon,  and  every  rout 
whatever,  ought  to  be  sacred  to  government.  Until  this,  or 
some  such  thing  is  done,  it  will  be  difficult  for  the  sensible 
English  to  believe  that  their  governors  aim  at  any  thing  be- 
yond their  own  emolument.  As  for  the  tax  upon  (madam) 
it  appears  indispensably  necessary,  and  can  admit  of  no  de- 
lay.   However,  we  interrupt  you,  Fastosus. 

Fastosus.  I  have  a  great  deal  of  pleasure  ui  stirring  up 
people  to  quarrel  with,  their  Maker,  and  to  say  unto  him, 
Why  hast  thou  made  me  thus  1  I  love  not  the  station  thou 
hast  placed  me  in ;  I  have  got  parts  to  qualify  me  for  a  bet- 
ter than  this  in  which  thou  hast  placed  me ;  therefore  I  am 
not  dealt  with  according  to  my  merit."  The  poor  laborer, 
who,  by  the  way,  is  the  most  happy  and  contented  of  his 
species,  is  not  altogether  pleased,  because  he  was  not  bom 
a  gentleman,  and  heir  to  a  good  estate.  The  'squire  and  his 
lady  are  almost  mad  with  anger,  because  they  were  not  de- 
scended of  noble  ancestors.  The  nobleman  himself  takes  it 


166  DIALOGUES 

very  unkind  that  he  was  not  born  to  govern  a  kingdom.  He 
that  is  born  heir  to  a  crown  hath  two  things  at  which  he  is 
much  offended:  First,  because  the  Almighty  is  so  long  in 
taking  the  father  to  himself,  to  facilitate  his  own  accession 
to  the  throne :  Secondly,  he  is  not  well  pleased,  because  it 
is  a  regal  and  not  an  imperial  crown,  to  which  he  is  born 
heir.  As  for  the  man  who  is  born  to  imperial  dignity,  he  is 
angry,  because  he  is  not  appointed  lord  of  the  whole  world. 
And  one  you  know,  who,  having  obtained  the  sway  of  the 
whole  world,  was  angry  with  God,  because  he  had  not  made 
two  worlds  for  him  to  govern ;  even  so  angry,  that  he  is 
said  to  have  cried  again.  Thus,  in  all  ranks  and  degrees  of 
life,  I  make  people  quarrel  with  their  Maker. 

Infidelis.  I  have  often  heard  it  remarked,  by  our  infer- 
nal sages,  that  if  the  ambitious  mind  were  to  obtain  what 
it  is  now  in  pursuit  of,  true  contentment  would  be  as  far 
distant  as  ever;  and  an  Alexander,  who  covets  a  second 
world  to  ravage,  could  he  get  that,  would  want  a  third,  af- 
ter that  a  fourth,  and  so  on,  until  he  had  plundered  the 
many  millions  of  worlds  which  God  hath  made.  Even  then, 
were  such  a  thing  possible,  his  ambition  would  be  as  insati- 
able as  ever,  and  his  last  eifort  would  be  the  same  as  that 
of  father  Beelzebub's ;  I  mean,  he  would  attempt  to  plunder 
the  eternal  throne  itself  Thus,  they  allege,  that  the  lowest 
degree  of  ambition  and  discontent  in  man,  if  the  Almighty 
were  continually  to  gratify  it,  would  ascend  to  the  most  da- 
ring attempt  of  which  the  infernal  monarch  himself  is  ca- 
pable. After  all,  I  have  observed  that  the  greater  part  of 
people  are  so  far  from  deeming  ambition  to  be  criminal, 
they  think  a  spice  of  it  is  indispensably  necessary  to  a  man 
of  honor. 

Fastosus.  I  know  it,  brother ;  but  that4s-a  striking  proof 
of  the  blindness  to  which  we  have  reduced  them.  Ambi- 
tion, discontent,  &c.  reigning  in  any  person,  are  infallible 
symptoms  of  a  heart  totally  depraved,  and  altogether  under 
my  influence.  But  let  them  go  on  to  cherish  an  ambitious 
spirit,  they  will  find  their  mistake  at  last.  That  judicious 
pagan,  Epictetus,  seems  very  capable  of  instructing  many 
who  are  called  Christians,  and  who  have  the  advantage  of 
the  Bible.  Yes,  Infidelis,  you  and  I  both  know,  that  ambi- 
tion  is  the  very  vice  which  ruined  our  black  fraternity ; 
but  for  it,  they  would  have  been  in  heaven  to  this  day, 


OF   DEVILS.  167 

Aa  some  quarrel  witli  their  Maker,  on  account  of  their 
situation  in  hfe,  I  am  equally  Buccesstiil  in  stirring  up 
others,  to  take  offence  at  tlie  manner  in  which  the  Almigh- 
ty hath  formed  their  bodies :  as  to  their  souls,  they  do  not 
regard  them ;  indeed  they  seldom  consider  tliat  they  have 
an  immortal  spirit  belonging  to  them.  If,  by  chance,  such  a 
thought,  as  that  they  have  an  immortal  soul,  should  pass 
through  their  minds,  it  gives  them  no  concern  in  what  po- 
sition it  is  found,  because  they  take  it  for  granted  that  no- 
body sees  it.  So  very  inconsiderate  and  stupid  are  many, 
that  one  who  understands  the  language  of  hearts,  provided 
he  could  delight  in  the  voice  of  discontent  and  murmuring, 
might  meet  with  high  entertainment  amongst  our  people. 
For, 

One  young  lady  says,  O  !  if  the  Almighty  had  made  me 
an  inch  and  a  half  higher,  then  my  person  would  have  been 
abundantly  more  proper.  Her  neighbor  is  as  ill  at  ease,  be- 
cause she  thinks  the  Creator  has  bestowed  superfluous  la- 
bor upon  her,  in  giving  her  a  couple  of  inches  of  redundant 
height,  whicli  she  looks  upon  as  a  very  considerable  de- 
formity. Another  says.  Why  did  he  make  me  with  round 
shoulders  1  Might  he  not  as  easily  have  made  them  square "? 
I  am  ashamed  to  go  into  company,  because  I  have  not  a 
handsome  carriage  of  the  head  and  neck.  What  the  back- 
board and  girdle  can  do,  has  been  tried  to  press  in  the  promi- 
nent OS  humeri ;  but  sad  experience  teaches,  that  she  may 
as  soon  wash  the  Ethiopian  white,  as  make  that  even  which 
the  Almighty  hath  made  crooked.  Nor  less  afflicted  is  her 
kinswoman,  on  account  of  yellowness  in  her  skin. 

AvARO.  I  have  heard  several  people  of  allowed  know- 
ledge, modestly  wish,  that  all  court  ladies  labored  under  the 
same  misfortune  the  last  unhappy  gentlewoman  does;  beings 
persuaded  that  if  it  were  so,  naked  breasts  would  never 
more  be  brought  into  fashion,  to  the  annoyance  of  the  gen- 
tlemen and  the  scandal  of  the  ladies :  for  you  know,  iish- 
ions  are  all  born  at  court. 

Fastosus.  Not  at  the  court  of  London,  Avaro,  but  Ver- 
sailles; therefore  it  would  indicate  better  sense  in  your 
knowing  people,  to  wish  the  French  ladies  the  above  mis- 
fortune. It  is  held  an  act  of  high  treason  against  the 
French,  for  the  English  court  to  receive  any  fashion,  which 
hath   not  had  a  certificate  from  Versailles.     This  policy 


168  DIALOGUES 

seems  indeed  very  mysterious,  when  we  consider  that  the 
British  heroes  can  so  effectually  drub  the  monsieurs,  as  to 
make  them  cry  peccavi,  and  at  the  same  time  the  French 
ladies  should  have  the  English  in  such  absolute  subjection. 

It  is  impossible  for  any  person  to  conceive  the  trouble  I 
have,  in  preparing  those  ladies  for  the  ball,  or  assembly,  or 
pantheon,  and  what  art  I  am  obliged  to  employ,  in  hiding 
their  supposed  defects  and  redundancies.  The  lady  who 
fancies  her  stature  to  be  somewhat  too  low,  obliges  me  to 
add  to  it  the  whole  length  of  a  super-tall  pair  of  wooden 
heels,  and  is  extremely  careful  to  set  off"  her  little  body  to 
all  advantage  possible,  so  that  every  beholder  must  be  struck 
with  the  most  perfect  gentility  of  her  appearance.  On  the 
other  hand,  her  neighbor,  who  is  over-tall,  is  as  careful,  on 
her  part,  to  have  the  flattest  heels  that  can  be  worn,  and  is 
equally  industrious  in  decking,  to  the  best  advantage,  the 
whole  of  her  extravagant  height. 

Nor  hath  their  neighbor,  who  is  affected  with  a  dun,  or 
yellow  skin,  less  troulale  and  anxiety  of  mind,  besides  her 
great  toil  of  body.  The  waste  she  makes  of  wash-balls,  and 
the  best  recommended  cosmetics,  together  with  her  own, 
and  her  servants'  labor,  in  endeavoring  to  rub  off  the  native 
tinct,  is  not  to  be  conceived.  But,  alas !  it  is  labor  in  vain. 
All  the  comfort  which  remains  for  her,  is  derived  from  a 
black  necklace,  assisted  by  two  or  three  well-disposed 
patches,  which  she  hopes  may,  in  some  measure,  overcloud 
tlie  hated  yellowness  of  the  adjacent  parts. 

So  absolutely  foolish  are  they,  that  T  have  some  subjects 
who  say,  "  Ah  me,  why  were  my  ankles  made  so  strong 
and  fleshy  ]  O  that  they  had  been  slender  and  genteel,  then 
I  should  not  have  been  thus  dependent  on  the  mantuamaker 
for  a  covering  for  them."  However,  gentlemen,  were  it 
not  a  rule  established  among  the  fair  sex,  that  ankles  some- 
what gross  are  altogether  ungenteel,  it  would  puzzle  a  phi- 
losopher to  determine  how  it  is  that  small  feet  and  slender 
ankles,  come  to  have  more  virtue  and  real  worth  in  them, 
than  those  that  are  otherwise.  But  certainly  it  is  deemed 
to  be  so,  and  those  imperious  dames,  who  have  been  favored 
to  their  liking,  do  what  they  can  to  mortify  those  who  are 
less  happy  in  their  pedestals.  Against  this  disease  there  is 
no  effectual  remedy.  Small-sized  shoes  formerly  gave  them 


OF    DEVILS.  169 

great  hopes  of  relief;  but,  alas  !  they  generally  made  crip- 
ples of  tiieir  wearers. 

Infidelis.  I  have  always  observed,  that  when  people  have 
applied  to  the  artist,  to  have  that  mended  which  they  think 
the  Almighty  hath  marred,  the  punishment  is  connected 
with  the  crime,  as  a  token  of  the  just  resentment  of  a  jealous 
God,  wlio  hatli  left  none  of  his  works  imperfect ;  and  who 
would  have  them  all,  as  indeed  they  ought  to  be,  well  es- 
teemed. Hence  come  corns  upon  the  feet,  and  far  greater 
unevenness  in  the  symmetry  of  the  body,  than  was  before 
their  application  to  the  mechanic. 

Fastosus.  Another  of  my  disciples  has  got  hair  of  a 
madder  red,  and  such  is  her  folly,  that  it  grieves  her  beyond 
measure.  But  with  all  my  wisdom,  I  could  never  find  out 
the  reason  why  red  hair  should  be  any  more  scandalous  than 
yellow  or  flaxen  locks :  or  how  it  is,  that  scarlet  is  held  to 
be  such  a  courtly  color  upon  broadcloth,  and  yet  so  scandal- 
ous for  a  lady  to  have  her  head  of  scarlet  color.  But  the 
lady  herself  is  so  apprehensive  of  the  scandal,  that  she  is 
obliged  to  exchange  her  native  locks,  with  a  neighboring 
barber,  for  a  set  of  flaxen  false  curls ;  these,  she  flatters 
herself,  will  very  well  become  the  native  fairness  of  her 
skm. 

Perhaps,  indeed,  to  spare  the  natural  crop,  she  may  blind 
the  eyes  of  beholders  with  powder,  which  may  help  to  con- 
ceal the  awful  secret.  The  like  expedient  is  used  by  women 
of  a  coquettish  disposition,  when  to  their  grpat  grief  and  in- 
consolable sorrow,  they  first  perceive  old  age  dying  a  white-, 
ness  upon  their  temples.  In  order  to  prevent  the  world 
having  any  suspicion  that  she  is  advanced  in  years,  the  co- 
(juette  procures  a  defence  against  the  hoary  hairs ;  and  thus 
she  keeps  herself,  as  much  as  possible,  from  the  belief  that 
she  is  growing  old,  until  the  detested  wrinkles  on  her  fore- 
head betray  the  fatal  secret,  and  then  she  declines  faster 
than  other  women,  because  her  grief  gives  swiftness  to  her 
decay.  Another  lady  is  exceedingly  grieved,  every  time 
she  looks  in  her  glass,  because,  as  she  thinks,  her  face  is  too 
much  upon  the  fire  to  be  deemed  lovely;  but  she  comforts 
herself  with  the  reflection  that  she  has  good  features,  and 
the  great  artist,  when  he  finished  her,  has  left  a  dimple  in 
her  chin.  On  the  other  hand,  her  cousin  beholds  a  system 
of  agreeable  features  in  her  own  countenance :  but  oh  !  the 
P 


170  DIALOGUES 

dejection  of  her  heart,  on  recollecting'  the  paleness  of  hei 
lips.  To  supply  the  defects  of  nature  in  tliis,  before  she 
goes  abroad,  she  has  recourse  to  her  pencil  and  vermilion 
shell.  Thus  she  has  some  means  of  comfort  within  her 
power ;  but  her  poor  sister,  who  is  seamed  with  the  small- 
pox, is  quite  inconsolable.  If  at  any  time  she  expresses  sat- 
isfaction, it  is  in  speaking  of  the  former  agreeableness  of 
her  features,  and  fairness  of  her  skin.  But  alas !  her  joy  is 
presently  clouded  with  the  melancholy  consideration,  they 
are  for  ever  gone.  Some  ladies  are  highly  offended,  because 
their  hands  are  so  big,  others  that  their  fingers  are  too  short ; 
and  now  and  then  you  may  meet  with  one  who  is  dreadfully 
tormented  underneath  a  king  Richard  back ;  which  is  sure 
to  prove  an  intolerable  burthen  all  the  life  of  the  unhappy 
woman. 

Infidelis.  Nothing  more  fully  demonstrates  our  domin- 
ion in  the  hearts  of  mankind,  than  their  being  ashamed'  of 
their  shapes  and  physiognomy ;  the  supposed  deformity  of 
which  they  could  by  no  means  have  prevented.  Every  de- 
gree of  this  kind  of  shame,  is  a  tacit  reproach  of  the  Crea- 
tor, and  therefore  daringly  impious.  Many  you  may  find, 
ashamed  of  the  innocent  defects  of  their  outward  frame, 
who  are  not  in  the  least  ashamed  of  their  vain  lives  and 
immoral  conversation;  to  rectify  which  ought  to  be  their 
principal  concern.  And  were  there  but  as  much  pains  taken 
to  rectify  the  disorders  of  civil  life,  as  there  are  to  hide  the 
supposed  defect?  and  redundancies  of  the  body,  and  to  alter 
the  tincture  of  the  skin,  the  world  would  be  very  different 
from  what  it  is.  But  you  take  care  to  prevent  that,  Im- 
piator. 

DiscoRDANS.  One  who  has  made  mankind  no  part  of  his 
study,  would  deem  it  impossible  for  rational  beings  to  be 
ashamed  of,  and  concerned  for  innocent  deformities  of  the 
body,  with  which  no  person  of  common  sense  will  ever  up- 
braid tliem,  and  which  never  can  by  any  means  lessen  the 
esteem  of  the  judicious;  (for  who  can  make  that  straight 
which  the  Almighty  hath  made  crooked,  or  white  which  he 
hath  made  brown  ?)  and  at  the  same  time  neglect  the  in- 
finitely more  valuable  mind.  ♦ 

Infidelis.  By  your  account,  sir,  your  vassals  have  got 
a  wrong  notion  of  beauty,  as  by  our  long  observation  it  ap- 
pears, we  may  sometimes  see  a  great  deal  of  beauty  in  a 


OF    DEVILS.  171 

person  wliose  bodily  parts  no  way  tend  to  reconiniend  him. 
Real  beauty  lies  in  the  constitution  of  the  mind,  and  tlie 
proper  use  of  its  intellectual  faculties:  every  thing  else 
compared  with  this  is  like  tinsel  when  compared  with  the 
purest  gold. 

That  person  appears  truly  amiable,  without  external 
comeliness,  who  can  bear  the  lack  of  it  with  a  becoming 
grace ;  and  who,  to  make  up  for  all  outward  defects,  is  stu- 
dious to  embellish  the  immortal  mind.  Tiiat  is  a  part  of 
man  always  capable  of  improvement ;  but  for  the  body,  they 
may  fret,  murmur,  and  repine  at  its  defects,  as  much  as  they 
will,  they  plainly  see  it  does  not  mend  tlie  matter,  for  who 
by  takmg  thought  can  add  one  cubit  to  his  stature,  or  make 
one  hair  whiter  or  blacker  ] 

Fastosus,  Such  is  my  dominion  now ;  nor  was  it  less  in 
the  more  early  ages.  I  made  rude  work  in  the  tents  of  Ja- 
cob, between  his  two  wives  and  among  his  sons ;  and  by 
those  means  I  greatly  disturbed  them  wiiom  I  could  not  de- 
stroy. 

Invidio.  I  have,  until  now,  been  silent ;  but  beg  leave  to 
observe,  that  I  think  our  labor  is  far  from  being  lost.  See- 
ing, though  we  are  permitted  to  destroy  none  who  are  good 
and  virtuous,  we  have  the  pleasure  of  distressing  and  dis- 
tracting them.  And  certainly  no  music  can  be  so  agreeable 
to  our  ears,  as  the  sighs  and  groans  of  our  enemies.  There 
is  something  so  agreeable  in  the  destruction  of  infidels,  and 
distracting  the  rest  of  mankind,  that  I  have  often  heard  our 
father  Beelzebub  say,  he  would  rather  aggravate  his  own 
torment  a  thousand'  degrees  than  be  robbed  of  that  plea- 
sure. His  and  our  happiness  lies  chiefly  in  distressing  man- 
kind, especially  the  virtuous  and  good,  notwithstanding  he 
overheard  Immanuel,  when  he  said,  "I  give  unto  them  eter- 
nal life,  and  none  shall  pluck  them  out  of  my  hands." 

AvARO.  One  would  wonder  it  did  not  wholly  discourage 
hun  from  making  further  attempts  against  such  people,  es- 
pecially if  what  I  have  heard  is  true ;  I  mean  that  every 
affliction  which  they  endure  by  his  means,  w^ill  be  an  ag- 
gravation to  his  own  misery.  But  his  hatred  against  them 
is  implacable. 

Fastosus.  It  is  not  altogether  his  hatred  and  malice 
against  them,  which  excite  him  to  persecute  them  with  sucli 
unwearied  diligence :  but  it  happened  on  a  time,  that  Beel- 


1 72  DIALOGUES 

zebub  was  by,  when  one  of  the  heavenly  heralds  declared, 
*'  That  in  all  the  afflictions  of  his  people,  Immanuel  himself 
is  afflicted."  And  at  another  time  he  heard  another  say, 
"  That  Immanuel  is  touched  with  a  sense  of  human  infirmi- 
ties." Nay,  then,  said  he  to  liimself,  they  shall  not  want 
for  afflictions,  if  I  should  endure  a  thousand  hells.  It  will 
be  a  heaven  of  delight  to  me,  to  see  my  fiery  darts  bound 
off  from  the  persons  to  whom  they  are  shot,  and  strike  him 
whom  I  have  in  the  most  perfect  abhorrence.  So  that  it  is 
Immanuel  himself,  rather  than  those  who  believe  in  him,  at 
whom  Satan  is  so  much  enraged. 

To  return  to  my  story.  By  my  means  the  knot  of  sister- 
hood between  Rachel  and  Leah  was  disunited,  and  friend- 
ship and  love  fled  to  a  distance  far  remote  from  their  tents. 
But  this  was  not  the  finishing  stroke  of  my  artifice ;  for 
when  one  generation  passed  away,  you  might  always  be 
sure  to  find  me  with  those,  who  made  their  appearance  next 
upon  the  stage  of  action.  Hence  I  was  found  with  the  sons 
of  Jacob,  and  made  them  perpetrate  deeds  very  unworthy 
of  the  patriarchal  character,  and  that  even  in  the  life-time 
of  their  father.  The  destruction  of  the  Hivites,  by  the  sword 
of  Simeon  and  Levi,  in  revenge  of  Shechem's  rape  on  their 
sister  Dinah,  was  wholly  by  my  instigation.  They  grieved, 
and  that  justly ;  but  pride  alone  called  up  the  demons  of 
Revenge  and  Cruelty,  who  drenched  themselves  in  Canaan- 
itish  blood. 

When  Joseph  dreamed  of  his  future  advancement,  I  pre- 
vailed with  his  brethren  to  hate  him,  and  give  admission  to 
every  baleful  demon ;  under  whose  influence,  even  at  the 
hazard  of  their  father's  life,  they  sold  him  into  Egypt.  There 
I  stirred  up  Sabrina,  the  wife  of  Potiphar,  to  revenge  her 
slighted  charms  upon  him ;  Joseph  himself  to  swear  by  the 
life  of  Pharaoh,  and  to  carry  it  very  strangely  to  his  brethren 
in  the  time  of  their  affliction,  notwithstanding  he  himself  had 
seen  such  wonders  of  Divine  Providence,  as  mentioned  by 
the  writer  of  his  life.  Just  it  was  that  his  brethren  should 
have  been  afflicted  for  their  former  perfidy  and  baseness ; 
but  Joseph  could  never  have  been  persuaded  to  be  instru- 
mental therein,  but  by  my  instigation. 

Impiator.  I  am  surprised,  sir,  you  should  select  the  his- 
tory of  those  reputed  the  best  of  men,  for  exemplifying  your 
dominion ;  whereas  you  make  no  mention  of  Ham,  Ishmael, 


OF    DEVILS.  173 

Esau,  &c.  I  thought  your  dominion  over  them  was  more 
full  than  over  the  other. 

Fastosus.  1  mentioned  the  best,  on  purpose  to  save  my- 
self trouble,  cousin.  For  when  you  hear  my  power  over 
them,  you  will  easily  conceive  that  my  dominion  over  the 
rest  of  mankind  must  be  absolute.  I  might  indeed  do  my- 
self honor  by  telling  you  of  the  part  1  had  in  the  lewdness 
of  Ham,  the  despite  of  Ishmacl,  Esau's  revenge,  &:c.  &:c. 
but  I  understand  it  as  all  implied  in  the  present  plan  of  my 
narrative.  Indeed  it  would  be  endless  to  tell  you  of  even  a 
thousandth  part  of  my  achievements ;  and  I  am  persuaded  it 
is  more  agreeable  to  you,  to  hear  of  my  occasional  prevalence 
over  the  virtuous,  than  to  have  a  full  display  of  my  uninter- 
rupted dominion,  over  the  infidel  part  of  mankind,  without  it. 

Yet  it  may  not  be  amiss,  by  way  of  specimen,  to  give  you 
one  mstance  of  my  influence  over  infidels  in  general. 
Amongst  the  millions  I  might  adduce,  I  shall  refer  you  to 
Basuris  Pharaoh,  king  of  Egypt,  in  the  days  of  Moses  and 
Aaron.  Notwithstanding  the  mighty  signs  and  wonders 
which  God  wrought  by  the  hands  of  his  Hebrew  servants, 
he  was  absolutely  under  my  dominion,  that  he  hardened 
himself  against  the  Almighty,  disregarded  the  voice  of  his 
prophets,  and  would  not  suffer  the  people  to  go  into  the  wil- 
derness to  worship.  Moses  and  Aaron  wrought  works  un- 
precedented in  the  presence  of  the  king  and  his  nobles ;  but 
I  persuaded  him  that  the  whole  was  effected  by  the  power 
of  magic,  and  that  Jannes  and  Jambres,  his  own  .enchanters, 
could  do  the  same,  were  they  called  to  it. 

I  had  such  possession  of  his  heart,  before  any  miracles 
were  wrought,  that  he  thought  himself  inferior  to  no  being 
whatever,  and  scorned  subjection  even  to  the  Almighty. 
Pharaoh's  magicians,  in  divers  instances,  by  a  divine  per- 
mission, imitating  the  wonders  wrought  by  Moses  and 
Aaron,  he  persuaded  himself  that  he  was  at  least  equal  to 
that  God  who  sent  them,  and  in  the  most  haughty  disdain 
he  said,  "  Who  is  the  Lord,  that  I  should  obey  him  ]" 

You  have  all  heard  that  no  man  hath  harflened  himself 
against  God  at  any  time,  and  hath  prospered :  nor  did  he 
prosper.  I  hardened  his  heart  against  every  divme  injunc- 
tion, until  the  God  of  the  Hebrews  utterly  confounded  the 
Memphian  magicians,  and  made  the  haughty  monarch,  not 
only  willing  to  let  the  people  go,  but  eager  to  thrust  them 
P2 


174  DIALOGUES 

out  of  the  land.  However,  they  had  not  travelled  very  far, 
before  Pharaoh,  being  a  little  recovered  from  his  consterna- 
tion, was  induced  by  me  to  pursue  and  oblige  them  to  return 
to  their  drudgery,  alleging  the  great  loss  which  both  his 
majesty  and  the  Egyptian  monarch  would  sustain,  by  the 
departure  of  such  a  number  of  vigorous  slaves.  Pursuant 
to  this  purpose,  he  mustered  his  chariots  and  horsemen,  all 
the  Egyptian  chivalry,  pursued  the  fugitives  by  dint  of 
sword  to  compel  them  to  their  spades  and  wheelbarrows. 
Every  one  must  praise  my  noble  intentions ;  for  I  designed 
that  both  hosts  should  have  perished,  the  one  by  the  sword 
of  the  Egyptians,  and  the  other  by  the  thunderbolts  of  heaven. 
I  conjectured,  upon  good  ground,  that  if  Pharaoh  destroyed 
the  Hebrews,  the  Almighty  would  avenge  their  blood  upon 
him  and  his  kingdom. 

The  host  of  Pharaoh  overtook  the  Hebrews  near  Pi-ha- 
hiroth,  where  the  raging  ocean  met  them  in  the  front,  and 
a  vast  ridge  of  impassable  mountains  inclosed  them  on  either 
hand :  "  Glory  be  on  me  !  cried  the  exulting  monarch.  See 
how  my  happy  stars  have  hemmed  in  the  fugitives !  Now 
shall  they  either  return  to  their  servitude,  or  perish  on  the 
points  of  Egyptian  swords ;  and  Pharaoh  shall  no  more  be 
upbraided  with  a  God  greater  than  himself"  But  Pharaoh's 
boastings  were  premature;  his  hopes  were  blasted  before 
they  were  full  blown :  for  it  came  to  pass,  that  the  Almighty 
took  the  cause  of  his  people  into  his  own  hands,  wrought 
salvation  for  them,  and  with  an  high  hand  destroyed  him 
and  all  the  Egyptian  chivalry. 

Busuiess  calls  me  hence,  gentlemen.  I  hold  it  good  that 
we  adjourn  until  to-morrow. 


OF    DEVILS.  175 

DIALOGUE  XIII. 

ALL   THE   DIALOGEANS    PRESENT. 

AvARO.  Indeed,  gentlemen,  what  I  tell  you  is  true,  you 
cannot  conceive  how  much  I  am  caressed  by  the  grovelling 
slaves. 

Fastosus.  Do  not  boast,  cousin,  nor  let  it  once  enter 
your  mind,  that  your  reception  amongst  mankind  is  more 
cordial  and  hearty  than  mine ;  for  where  there  is  one  per- 
son who  prostitutes  himself  to  the  devil  Avaro,  there  are  at 
least  twenty  who  fall  down  at  the  shrine  of  the  adored  Fas- 
tosus ;  though  I  will  still  own  your  craftiness  has  subdued 
not  a  few  to  your  grovelling  sway. 

Avaro.  Not  a  ^ew,  indeed !  Every  nation  furnisheth  its 
quota,  to  make  up  the  number  of  my  abject  slaves,  who 
adore  me  under  feigned  names,  suitably  adapted  to  the  ge- 
nius of  each  country.  For  uistance,  in  Holland,  I  am  called 
Mynheer  Industry ;  in  France,  Monsieur  Prudence ;  in 
Spain,  I  bear  the  name  of  Don  Diligence ;  in  Austria  and 
Russia,  as  also  at  the  Hague,  I  am  known  by  the  name  of 
Good  Policy;  and  in  Great  Britain  and  her  colonies,  I  am 
called  Mister  Care,  alias  Mr.  Frugality ;  but  my  true  name 
being  rightly  translated  will  read  Covetousness. 

Great  advantages  arise  to  us  from  the  concealment  of  our 
proper  names.  The  word  covetousness,  3'^ou  know,  is  of 
such  a  true  brimstone  color,  that  unless  I  had  some  method 
of  disguising  it,  I  could  get  but  few  adorers  in  comparison 
of  what  I  have.  There  are  thousands  who  delight  to  keep 
me  under  their  roofs,  by  the  feigned  names  of  Industry  and 
Frugality,  who  would  be  afraid  to  be  seen  in  my  company, 
under  the  name  of  Covetousness.  They  rise  up  early,  sit 
up  late,  they  eat  the  bread  of  carefulness,  can  never  get 
enough  of  work  done  by  their  servants  and  laborers ;  they 
buy  as  cheap  and  sell  as  dear  as  they  can,  and  are  for  ever 
concerting  schemes  of  money-getting ;  and  yet  they  are  not 
covetous ;  all  the  world  could  not  persuade  them  that  they 
are  the  worshippers  of  the  devil  Avaro.  Even  those  whose 
morning  and  evening  desires  run  in  the  following  strain : 
"  What  shall  I  do  to  get  money  ?  How  shall  I  manage  to 


176  DIALOGUES 

keep  what  I  have  got  out  of  the  reach  of  pilfering  rogues'?" 
Such  are  their  desires,  and  yet  they  are  not  covetous.  Not- 
withstanding their  increase,  they  cannot,  with  pleasure,  as- 
sist the  needy,  unless  by  so  doing  they  can  serve  themselves ; 
and  yet  they  are  not  covetous.  Such  people  are  very  apt 
to  consider  gain  as  a  proof  of  their  godliness,  and  it  is  diffi- 
cult for  them  to  believe  a  poor  man  is  honest.  If  his  honesty 
is  so  clear  that  they  cannot  deny  it,  they  will  tacitly  charge 
him  with  either  indolence  or  want  of  economy,  as  they  take 
it  for  granted,  any  man  may  prosper  in  the  world  if  he  will; 
and  yet  they  are  not  covetous. 

Infidelis.  Your  disciples,  Avaro,  it  seems,  have  but  little 
acquaintance  with  that  divine  providence  which  we  are 
constrained  to  confess ;  that  providence  which  emptieth  the 
store-house  of  one  and  fills  that  of  another,  according  to  the 
dictates  of  unerring  wisdom.  But  by  long  observation,  we 
have  learned,  that  the  race  is  not  to  the  swift,  nor  the  battle 
to  the  strong,  but  to  whomsoever  the  Arbiter  of  the  universe 
is  pleased  to  give  the  blessing.  What  most  surpriseth  me,  is, 
to  see  so  many  of  your  people  among  the  professors  of  reli- 
gion. Do  you  think  they  have  never  heard  that  those  who 
love  the  world,  have  not  the  love  of  the  Father  in  them ; 
and  that  friendship  with  the  world  is  enmity  agamst  God  1 
Or  do  they  suppose  themselves  capable  of  serving  both  God 
and  mammon  ] 

Avaro.  With  your  leave,  sir,  such  texts  of  scripture  are 
of  no  weight  with  our  people.  Some  consider  them  as  in- 
terpolations, others  mistranslated,  others  still  deem  them 
erroneous,  therefore  not  to  be  regarded ;  and  all  agree  that 
the  force  of  such  passages  ought  to  be  reasoned  away.  Yes, 
brother  fiends,  you  may  meet  with  many,  who,  if  their  men- 
tal sentiments  may  be  known  by  their  outward  conduct, 
believe  them.selves  capable  enough  of  serving  both  God  and 
mammon,  and  that  it  is  very  consistent  to  love  both  God  and 
the  world  at  the  same  time.  All  the  week  round,  they  are 
so  earnestly  engaged  in  pursuing  worldly  advantages,  that- 
one  would  suppose  they  had  got  an  assurance  that  for  one 
thousand  years,  at  least,  to  enter  upon,  their  souls  shall  not 
be  required  of  them ;  or  indeed  one  would  think  they  believe 
not  a  syllable  of  the  Bible,  or  that  there  is  either  God  or 
devil,  heaven  or  hell.  Yea,  so  ardent  is  their  chase  after 
gold,  they  cannot  spare  so  much  time  as  to  ask  their  servants 


OF    DEVILS.  177 

whether  they  intend  for  heaven  or  hell  at  their  death? 
Whether  they  serve  God  or  the  devil  ]  Whether  they  read 
the  Bible,  or  idle  plays  and  novels  ?  Whetlier  they  go  to 
church  or  ale-house  on  a  Sunday;  or,  indeed,  whether 
they  are  Pagans  or  Christians,  Papists  or  Protestants  ?  And 
yet  they  are  good  Christians  themselves,  members  of 
churches,  and  worshippers  of  the  God  of  heaven. 

Notwithstanding  their  fervent  zeal  for,  and  unwearied 
diligence  in,  the  cause  of  mammon,  they  will  not  absent 
themselves  from  church  on  a  Sabbath-day  on  any  considera- 
tion ;  but,  with  all  sincerity  imaginable,  with  the  devotion 
of  one  holiday  wipe  off  the  stains  of  the  former  six,  and  on 
Monday  come  forth  as  fresh  for  the  avaricious  chase  as 
ever.  Thus,  you  see,  my  subjects,  by  their  conduct,  plainly 
tell  you,  they  believe  it  very  possible  to  serve  both  God  and 
mammon ;  and  thus  they  give  the  lie  to  divine  testimony. 

It  is  now  as  it  always  was ;  many  people  follow  religion 
with  the  same  views  with  those  of  the  loaf  and  the  fish  fol- 
lowers ;  they  take  up  religion  to  procure  a  character  among 
men,  that  it  may  serve  as  a  cloak  for  their  mercenary  pur- 
poses. The  person  deemed  religious,  bein^  capable  of  ex- 
ecuting avaricious  schemes  with  greater  facility  and  advan- 
tage, than  the  man  who  is  known  to  be  an  enemy  to  all  re- 
ligion. 

Fastosus.  It  seems,  Avaro,  your  money-hunters  can 
adapt  religion  or  any  thing  to  the  great  end  of  getting.  I 
know  thousands  who  would  not  attend  the  worship  of  God 
at  all,  if  they  found  not  their  account  in  it  I  have  laughed, 
many  times,  at  seeing  the  atheist  and  the  deist  come  to 
church  and  receive  the  sacrament,  to  qualify  them  for 
places  of  public  concern.  It  may  safely  be  supposed,  that 
men  who  believe  not  the  sacrament  to  be  of  divme  institu- 
tion, have  some  ends,  no  way  religious,  to  answer,  by  their 
receiving  it.  It  is  not  a  little  droll  too,  to  see  many,  who, 
for  conscience  sake,  dissent  from  the  church  of  England, 
when  they  have  the  prospect  of  preferment,  come  cordially 
to  the  altar  and  receive  the  consecrated  elements  from  tiie 
parish  priest.  Mortal  man  could  not  do  more  to  secure  all 
the  emoluments  of  both  church  and  state  to  their  own  party 
for  ever,  than  the  authors  of  the  test  act  did,  and  yet  many 
dissenters  play  the  devil  in  cheating  them.    It  must  be  a 


178  DIALOGUES 

close  hedge  indeed,  in  which  some  people  will  not  find  a 
hole  to  creep  through. 

Impiator.  Ay,  uncle,  and  it  is  every  whit  as  droll  to  see 
many  of  my  subjects,  who  never  attend  at  church,  except 
upon  those  occasions ;  men  who  spend  their  whole  time  in 
drinking,  gaming,  and  whoring,  admitted  to  the  table  of  the 
Lord,  to  serve  a  turn  in  politics,  contrary  to  every  rule,  di- 
vine and  human;  and  yet  those  men  commence  the  pillars 
and  governors  of  the  church,  without  coming  near  its  as- 
semblies on  other  occasions.  These  things  make  amazingly 
for  our  interest. 

Infidelis.  Not  many  days  since,  your  son  Discordans 
gave  us  a  most  agreeable  account  of  some  of  his  operations, 
by  the  instrumentality  of  Prejudice  and  False-Reasoning.  I 
should  be  glad,  my  nephew,  if  you  will  be  pleased,  to  go 
on  with  your  story. 

Discordans.  I  have  no  objection,  sir,  if  my  honored  pa- 
rent will  be  pleased  to  permit.  But  Discordans  cannot  so 
much  as  breathe,  without  the  instigation  of  great  Fastosus. 

Fastosus.  You  do  me  great  honor,  my  son,  and  have  my 
permission  to  proceed:  but  as  I  have  urgent  business  in 
hand,  and  am  already  acquamted  with  your  story,  I  shall 
leave  you  for  the  present,  and  meet  you  here  to-morrow. 
Darkness  and  confusion  attend  you  all. 

Discordans.  This  same  glass,  False-Reasoning,  is  the 
mirror  in  which  the  Jewish  clergy,  doctors  of  law,  scribes, 
and  Pharisees,  tried  the  doctrines  and  actions  of  Immanuel 
and  all  his  followers.  By  these  means  they  were  fatally 
deceived,  and  led  to  reject  the  counsel  of  God  against  them- 
selves ;  yea,  hardened  to  that  degree,  as  to  say,  the  light 
which  enlighteneth  every  man  that  cometh  into  the  world, 
is  absolutely  darkness,  and  to  charge  the  Maker  of  all  things 
with  being  a  magician ;  even  to  put  forth  their  sanguinary 
hands,  and  murder  the  Lord  of  life. 

You  may  think  I  was  closely  employed  in  those  days,  as 
there  was  not  a  pharisee  in  the  whole  world,  whom  I  had 
not  furnished  with  an  inverting  mirror  and  telescope.  By 
these  means  they  became  quite  enamored  with  their  own 
supposed  virtue,  and  held  all  besides  themselves  to  be  ac- 
cursed ;  that  is  to  say,  heretics,  because  they  knew  not  the 
law ;  that  is,  they  did  not  measure  length  and  breadth,  ex- 
actly according  to  the  standard  of  orthodoxy,  which  in  all 


OF    DEVILS.  179 

ages  has  been  the  traditions  of  the  elders,  and  not  the  scrip- 
tures of  truth,  as  some  have  erroneously  asserted. 

Impiator.  Hold,  cousin,  there  I  think  you  must  be 
wrong ;  for  I  myself  was  wont  to  hear  Immanuel,  (who  you 
know  could  not  lie)  refer  his  hearers  to  the  scripture  for  the 
resolution  of  all  doubts. 

DiscoRDANS.  That  is  nothing  at  all  to  the  purpose,  cou- 
sin. I  readily  grant,  and  none  can  honestly  deny  it,  that 
the  scripture  is  the  standard  of  truth ;  but  truth  and  ortho- 
doxy are  two  things,  very  different,  and  sometimes  diamet- 
rically opposite  to  one  another.  Bible  doctrine  is  the  same 
in  all  ages  and  nations ;  but  orthodoxy  in  one  nation  differs 
at  least  as  much  from  orthodoxy  in  another  nation,  as  the 
several  climates  do  from  one  another.  To  go  no  farther 
than  Britain,  you  see  what  is  south  of  the  Tweed  account- 
ed the  purest  religion  in  the  world,  is,  upon  travelling  far- 
ther towards  the  pole,  deemed  corrupt,  superstitious,  and 
antichristian.  So  it  is  vice  versa.  Moreover,  what  has  been 
orthodox  and  apostolic  in  one  age,  has  had  the  misfortune  to 
become  quite  heterodox  and  damnable  in  the  next ;  so  that 
there  is  no  certain  standard  of  orthodoxy  in  any  nation:  but 
truth  is  always  the  same,  and  knows  no  standard  but  one. 

Indeed  the  synod  of  Dort,  and  the  reformers  of  the  Eng- 
lish church,  have  done  what  mortal  men  could  do  to  fix  an 
everlasting  standard  of  orthodoxy  by  tying  all  future  pro- 
fessors to  subscribe  their  traditions.  But  even  that  is  insuf- 
ficient. For,  by  the  help  of  mental  reservation,  many  sub- 
scribe contrary  to  their  real  belief;  and  others,  who  have 
not  that  address,  even  go  without  a  benefice,  let  them  be- 
lieve the  Bible  ever  so  piously.  Yea,  I  have  known  many 
deemed  heretics,  and  burned  at  a  stake,  merely  for  believ- 
ing the  Bible.  Orthodox  papists,  orthodox  episcopalians,  or- 
thodox presbyterians,  and  orthodox  congregational ists,  have 
all  had  the  honor  of  putting  people  to  death  for  their  want 
of  orthodoxy ;  that  is,  because  they  were  daring  enough  to 
think  for  themselves,  contrary  to  the  known  maxims  of  the 
orthodox  priests,  in  every  age.  You  know,  it  is  observable, 
that  the  orthodox  are  condescending  enough  to  suffer  other 
people  to  have  thought  for  them. 

Impiator.  What,  cousin,  has  any  sect  of  Christians,  be- 
sides our  friends  the  papists,  been  found  to  persecute  those 
who  differed  from  them  1 


180  DIALOGUES 

DiscoRDAJvs.  Yes,  cousin,  every  sect  which  has  at  any  time 
been  happy  enough  to  grasp  the  reins  of  government  for 
the  time  being.  The  worthy  papists  bore  the  bell  of  ortho- 
doxy for  the  space  of  twelve  hundred  and  sixty  years, 
during  which  time  much  blood  was  shed  by  open  massa- 
cres, secret  assassinations,  pretended  judicatures,  acts  of 
bloody  faith ;  and,  at  last,  to  finish  the  bloody  reign  of  anti- 
christ, England,  France,  the  Netherlands,  and  the  valleys 
of  Piedmont  swam  with  the  gore  of  such  who  would  be- 
lieve the  Bible  sooner  than  the  voice  of  the  priests.  Queen 
Mary's  reign  furnished  the  orthodox  in  her  day  with  a  fine 
opportunity  of  discovering  their  zeal  for  the  church,  by 
murdering  those  who  believed  and  obeyed  the  Bible;  but 
her  reign  being  short,  and  Elizabeth  ascending  the  throne 
upon  her  demise,  the  other  scale  rose  uppermost,  and  the 
protestants  in  their  turn  became  orthodox ;  that  is,  got  the 
government  into  their  hands. 

O  the  violence  of  reputed  orthodoxy !  Those  same  gen- 
tlemen were  no  sooner  emerged  from  prison  than  they  also 
let  the  world  know  that  they  were  not  to  be  differed  from 
with  impunity ;  that  the  fornmla  of  their  faith  and  worship 
must  be  regarded  with  as  implicit  obedience  as  that  in  the 
former  reign  imposed  by  the  papists.  Now  the  presbyteri- 
ans,  independents,  and  other  congregationalists,  felt  the 
weight  of  their  rage,  or,  if  you  please,  zeal  for  orthodoxy, 
and  the  good  of  the  church.  Now  the  prison-keepers,  and 
their  friend  Master  Ketch,  had  pretty  near  as  good  a  run 
of  trade  as  in  the  reign  of  Mary.  And  now  the  wilds  of 
America  began  to  be  well  peopled  witli  English  protestants 
and  oppressed  dissenters;  and  the  good  episcopalians  at 
home,  kept  the  fleece  to  themselves,  and  had  all  the  good 
of  the  church  before  them.  But  those  said  presbyterians 
and  independents  had  no  sooner  crossed  the  ocean  for  con- 
science sake,  and  found  themselves  secure  from  episcopali- 
an rage,  than  they  themselves  commenced  orthodox  and  set 
up  their  own  formula  as  the  standard  of  religion,  to  which 
they  required  as  implicit  submission  from  others  as  the  good 
bishops  of  England  had  erewhile  done  from  themselves ; 
and  now  the  poor  antipedobaptists  and  quakers  were  taught, 
that  a  mittimus  is  a  mittimus,  whether  it  is  signed  by  a  pa- 
pist, an  episcopalian,  or  a  presbyterian ;  and  that  sentence 
of  death  is  to  be  dreaded  as  much  from  the  mouth  of  the  latter 


OF   DEVILS.  181 

as  of  the  former.  Those  same  dissenters,  who  had  so  lately- 
found  Old  Enofland  too  hot  for  themselves,  by  the  glowings 
of  priestly  zeal  for  orthodoxy,  soon  made  New  England  too 
hot  for  the  poor  quakers  and  antipedobaptists ;  who,  to  es- 
cape the  rage  for  presbytery,  fled,  the  one  to  Pennsylvania 
and  the  other  to  Rhode-Island,  that  they  might  not  be  com- 
pelled to  worship  God  according  to  other  people's  con- 
sciences, and  contrary  to  their  own. 

Infidelts.  So  then  the  ijld  spirit  of  calling  down  fire 
from  heaven  upon  heretics,  or  those  who  walk  in  a  different 
way,  it  seems  has  prevailed  in  modern  times  as  well  as  of 
yore.  O  what  a  mask  is  that !  human  rage  in  tlie  character 
of  godly  zeal !  It  is  wonderful  to  see  people  glorifying  the 
prince  of  liberty,  but  shutting  their  brethren  up  in  a  dungeon 
for  conscience  sake ;  worshipping  the  savior  of  men's  lives 
by  putting  people  to  death,  because  they  will  worship  him 
in  a  different  form ;  and  it  is  as  wonderful  that  the  ambas- 
sadors of  peace,  as  they  call  themselves,  should  be  the 
principal  agents  of  this  violence. 

DiscoRDAXs.  But  for  the  ambassadors,  persecution  had 
never  been  known  in  the  world,  sir.  The  laity  have  so 
little  zeal  for  God,  that  they  would,  if  not  instigated  by  the 
clergy,  suffer  men  to  worship  him  according  to  the  best 
understanding  they  have  of  his  mind  revealed  in  the  Bible, 
But  the  ambassadors  are  quite  of  another  opinion ;  for,  by 
them  it  is  determined,  that  God  shall  be  worshipped  in  the 
very  mode  by  them  directed,  or  he  shall  not  be  worshipped 
at  all,  if  they  can  help  it.  The  honor  of  persecution,  alias 
punishing  of  heretics,  must  all  be  ascribed  to  the  reverend 
ambassadors. 

Impiator.  By  ambassadors,  I  suppose,  cousin,  you  mean 
popish  priests  in  contradistinction  from  protestant  ministers. 

DisccRDANS.  I  mean  both  papists  and  protestants,  cou- 
sin ;  and  with  me  it  is  not  very  easy  to  determine  which 
best  deserve  the  honorable  appellation. 

But  to  return  to  my  story.  I  taught  the  respectable 
Pharisees  in  general  the  use  of  my  instruments,  which,  as 
you  saw  in  the  late  experiment,  perfectly  inverteth  every 
object ;  and  so,  by  my  prudent  management,  those  very 
people,  held  to  be  the  most  religious  of  the  Jews,  were 
wrought  up  to  such  a  degree  of  self-conceit,  as  to  fit  them 
for  executing  the  will  of  the  devil ;  still  supposing  that  they 


182  DIALOGUES 

were  doing  good  service  to  the  God  of  Israel.  Contemplated 
under  the  reflection  of  my  ingenious  instruments,  those 
Pharisees,  who  were  darkness  itself,  considered  themselves 
as  angels  of  light,  and  each  became  so  enamored  of  his  own 
personal  excellencies,  that  all  who  were  not  of  theur  sect  or 
persuasion,  were  held  in  the  most  consummate  abhorrence ; 
as  accursed,  and  ignorant  of  theu*  traditions,  yea,  even  ene- 
mies to  the  Almighty. 

They  viewed  Immanuel,  tRe  brightness  of  the  Father's 
glory,  and  express  image  of  his  person,  by  the  help  of  my 
glasses,  in  which,  to  them,  he  appeared  as  one  come  from 
Beelzebub,  and  performing  miracles  in  the  spirit  and  power 
of  the  great  apostate.  His  immediate  disciples  were,  indeed, 
men  of  whom  the  world  was  not  worthy ;  yet,  viewed  by 
the  help  of  these  notable  instruments,  they  appeared  as 
creatures  the  most  despicable.  Although  men  of  peaceful 
principles,  willing  to  spend  and  be  spent  for  the  good  of 
mankind,  they  were  held  to  be  enemies  to  the  public  good ; 
men  who  turned  the  world  upside  dovm ;  unworthy  of  a 
dwelling  in  the  tents  of  humanity,  and  therefore  thrust  out " 
of  the  world  with  violence.  Such  wonderful  works  were 
accomplished  of  old,  by  the  help  of  these  amazing  instru- 
ments, and  still  they  are  perfect  as  ever,  and  fit  for  operation. 

Even  at  this  day,  when  the  whole  system  of  revealed 
truth  is  exammed  by  my  inverting  mirror,  it  is  misappre- 
hended as  cunningly  devised  fables;  a  well-concerted  sys- 
tem of  falsehood ;  or  a  priestly  imposition  on  the  consciences 
and  understanding  of  the  laity.  Yes,  my  fellow  destroyers, 
by  my  wise  government,  many  who  value  themselves  as  the 
greatest  masters  of  reason,  are  so  absolutely  stupid  as  to  sup- 
pose that  the  eternal  God  has  left  men  at  large,  without  any 
given  law  or  revelation  of  his  mind,  to  which  their  submis- 
sion is  required.  Being  thus  stupidly  absurd,  you  will  not 
wonder,  that  the  same  masters  of  reason  have  been  ingeni- 
ous enough  to  find  out,  that  this  world,  unwieldy  as  it  is, 
was  dexterous  enough  to  create  itself,  and  possesseth  wisdom 
enough  to  be  its  own  governor. 

Infidelis.  By  your  leave,  cousin,  this  last  part  of  your  ac- 
count belongs  to  my  administration.  You  preside  only  over 
dissension  and  division.  I  want  to  hear  some  of  your  opera- 
tions of  this  kind. 

DiscoRDANs.  True,  sir.   But  if  I  preside  over  dissensions, 


OF    DEVILS.  183 

jdivisions,  animosities,  &c.  you  know  I  must  be  allowed  to 
use  proper  means,  by  which  my  works  are  to  be  propagated ; 
for  I  am  not  like  those  human  fools,  who  expect  the  end 
without  using  the  means.  Besides,  sir,  that  one  devil  should 
assist  another,  is  by  no  means  against  tlie  laws  of  our  fra- 
ternity. If  I,  to  promote  my  beloved  discord,  call  in  the  as- 
sistance of  your  bewildering  influences;  I  also,  in  a  kind  re- 
turn, by  the  divisions  which  I  foment,  greatly  strengthen 
the  slavish  bands  of  great  infidelity.  Our  interest  Iseing 
mutual,  I  hope  the  worthy  Infidelis  will  never  grumble  to 
lend  me  all  possible  assistance,  in  striving  to  make  this 
earth,  as  much  as  may  be,  to  resemble  the  regions  of  the 
damned.  Moreover,  our  great  prince  and  parent  is  no  way 
careful,  about  which  of  his  illustrious  family  is  the  instru- 
ment in  damning  a  soul,  so  that  the  work  of  damnation  is 
effected. 

Infidelis.  I  have  no  objection,  cousin,  to  assist  you,  or 
any  of  our  kindred.  All  I  desire  is,  to  have  due  notice 
taken  of  my  influence.  Our  leadmg  view  ought  undoubtedly 
to  be  the  destruction  of  men,  in  compliance  with  the  will  of 
our  great  ancestor.     But  I  detain  you. 

DiscoRDANS.  The  ancient  pharisees  were  not  the  only 
dupes  I  have  had  in  the  world.  The  great  man  at  Rome, 
the  father  of  the  world,  and  head  of  the  church  of  antichrist, 
has  been  as  much  my  dupe  as  people  of  less  eminence,  as  I 
shall  show  you  in  the  sequel. 

Infidelis.  What,  cousin,  have  you  become  acquainted 
with  my  old  friend  ]  I  should  like  to  know  how  that  came 
to  pass,  and  what  acquaintance  you  have  with  him. 

DiscoRDANS.  I  accomplished  it  in  the  following  manner. 
First  I  presented  his  supreme  holiness  with  a  pair  of  my  in- 
struments, of  the  right  Luciferian  construction,  on  purpose 
that  he  might,  by  their  assistance,  try  all  the  bulls  he  should 
publish,  and  all  the  causes  which  should  come  before  him. 
For  it  ought  to  be  observed,  the  time  was  when  the  whole 
world  wondered  at  his  infallible  judgment.  Infallible,  aD 
given  out,  and  so  for  many  ages  received.  Yea,  so  powerful, 
so  efficacious  has  been  the  word  of  his  holiness,  that  ere  now 
his  very  breath  has  blown  the  crown  off*  from  the  head  of 
one  prince,  upon  that  of  another.  So  very  extensive  his 
i6overeign  sway,  that  to  give  a  kingdom  to  a  devoted  friend, 


184  DIALOGUES 

was  no  more  to  him,  than  to  give  a  snuff  of  sneezing  would 
be  to  a  trusty  highlander. 

From  the  use  of  my  instruments  there  arises  a  necessity 
that  his  holiness's  bulls,  &c.  should  be  the  most  perfect  anti- 
christianism ;  so  that  in  the  inverting  mirror  they  may  as- 
sume the  likeness  of  unerring  truth.  It  is  the  same  with 
the  persons  and  things  which  the  hoary  father  is  concerned 
with :  the  sentence  is,  in  general,  contrary  to  the  real  in- 
trinsic merit  of  the  party  or  cause.  Hence  we  find  a  turbu- 
lent Becket  canonized  for  a  saint,  and  placed  among  the 
Roman  deities ;  and  a  pious  Cranmer  condemned  to  the 
stake.  Regicide  is  rewarded  as  meritorious,  whilst  walking 
according  to  the  dictates  of  conscience  is  held  altogether 
damnable,  both  in  this  and  the  future  world. 

From  the  proper  application  of  this  mirror,  popish  bulls, 
decrees  of  councils,  canons  of  churches,  human  composed 
formulas  of  worship,  are  supposed  to  be  stamped  with  divine 
authority ;  whilst  the  Bible,  that  only  revelation  of  the  di- 
vme  mind,  is  considered  not  only  as  insufficient  to  show  to 
men  the  way  of  salvation,  but  even  dangerous  to  be  read  by 
the  laity ;  and  it  is  absolutely  forbidden  their  use,  lest,  by 
knowing  too  much  of  the  will  of  God,  they  should  perish 
from  the  popish  faith.  So  the  good  old  vicar  obliges  the 
laity  to  go  to  hell  blindfold  without  complaining. 

Nothing  can  be  more  certain,  than  that  either  his  holiness 
the  pope,  or  the  writers  of  the  scriptures,  must  be  mistaken. 
The  former  says  the  Bible  is  dark,  mysterious,  difficult  to  be 
understood,  and  even  dangerous  to  the  souls  of  men ;  where- 
as the  latter  say,  the  scripture  way  of  salvation  is  so  plain 
and  easy,  that  the  wayfaring  man,  though  a  stranger,  though 
even  a  fool,  shall  not  err  therein.  The  pope  has,  for  weighty 
reasons,  been  pleased  to  forbid  the  use  of  the  scriptures,  un- 
der the  heavy  penalty  of  death  and  damnation ;  Jesus,  the 
author  of  the  Bible,  commands  all  men  to  search  the  scrip- 
tures ;  and  his  spirit  in  Paul,  applauds  this  conduct  in  the 
noble  Bereans.  Surely  this  points  out  the  very  person  of 
antichrist.  His  holiness  at  Rome,  and  all  other  great  lead- 
ers of  the  church,  are  of  opinion  that  the  scripture  is  not  of 
itself  sufficient  to  be  the  guide  of  conscience,  the  rule  of 
faith  and  practice,  therefore  canons,  creeds,  liturgies,  &c.  are 
introduced  to  make  the  formula  of  worship  more  complete. 
But  Paul  the  apostle  tells  mankind,  that  the  scripture  is  able 


or  DEVILS.  185 

through  God,  to  make  them  wise  to  salvation.  So  that  the 
one  or  the  other  must  needs  be  mistaken. 

Impiator.  His  holiness  of  Rome  was  in  the  right,  to  for- 
bid reading  of  the  Bible,  and  they  find  their  account  in  so 
doing.  The  old  Bible,  I  am  told,  tolerates  even  a  gospel 
minister  to  lead  about  a  wife,  but  confines  him  to  one  only. 
Therefore  this  Bible  did  not  suit  my  good  friends  of  the 
priesthood.  But  the  pope's  Bible,  which  forbids  to  marry, 
and  enjoins  an  unreserved  auricular  confession,  gives  the 
gentlemen  of  the  cloth  an  opportunity,  under  the  pretence 
of  being  righteous  more  than  others,  of  being  lascivious  to 
the  uttermost,  and  to  defile  all  the  nuns  in  the  convent. 
What  full-fed  friar  would  not  choose  a  free  admission  into 
such  a  seraglio,  rather  than  be  confined  by  sacred  marriage 
to  one  only  wife  ]  With  them  it  is  a  rule,  that  much  pleasure 
arises  from  variety. 

DiscoRDANS,  So,  cousin,  I  find  you  are  acquainted  with 
our  old  friends,  the  priests  of  Rome. 

Impiator.  I  have  been  long  acquainted  with  them.  Why, 
cousin,  the  greater  part  of  them  dwell  in  my  canton  of  literal 
fornicators,  and  they  are  all  freemen  m  the  district  of  my&. 
tical  whoredom. 

Discordans.  I  have  taken  care  to  furnish  every  true 
member  of  the  Italian  church  with  a  partial  telescope,  by 
the  help  of  which  he  takes  a  false  view  of  the  members  of  all 
other  communities  whatever ;  and  in  the  very  spirit  of  the 
ancient  pharisees,  holds  all  to  be  accursed  who  are  not  of  his 
communion.  By  these  means  also,  the  holiness  of  real  saints 
is  called  heresy,  and  the  heresy  of  the  papists  obtains  the 
name  of  holiness.  The  will-worship,  superstition,  and  idol- 
atry, of  those  sons  of  the  mystic  whore,  they  call  piety, 
w^hilst  the  pure  spiritual  worship  of  God,  in  Christ,  is  by 
them  termed  schism  and  heresy. 

In  my  instruments  the  papists,,  in  general,  view  the  right- 
eousness of  Immanuel,  as  the  ground  of  man's  acceptance 
with  God,  and  therefore,  say  ttiey,  "It  is  all  a  chimera,  a 
mere  shadow,  a  doctrine  of  licentious  tendency,  unfit  to  be 
published  amongst  mankind."  But  when  they  consider  their 
own  personal  merit,  by  the  help  of  my  telescope,  they  are 
ravished  with  their  own  supposed  excellency.  "  A  right- 
eousness of  their  own,"  say  they,  "  is  a  work  of  substance, 
and  will  bear  our  dependence.  Here  is  righteousness  of  my 
Q2 


186  DIALOGUES 

own  workina^  out,  enouglr  to  obtain  the  favor  of  God,  and  to 
spare.  Blessed  be  my  own  hands  for  working  out  my  sal- 
vation, and  more  than  my  salvation.  Adored  be  my  own 
heart  for  possessing  more  than  holiness  sufficient,  to  bring' 
me  to  heaven."  Of  the  same  opinion  is  the  Rev.  Mr.  John 
Wesley,  with  whom  it  is  plain,  that  the  grace  of  God  is  in- 
sufficient to  salvation,  without  the  co-operation  of  the  crea- 
ture ;  who  yet  is  confessedly  incapable  of  doing  any  thing 
aright.  There  is  a  very  near  relation  between  the  old  gen- 
tleman at  Rome,  and  his  kinsman  at  the  Foundry.  Both  are 
popes,  though  the  latter  is  much  more  diminutive  than  the 
former. 

There  was  a  time,  when  the  whole  assemblage  of  priests 
took  it  into  their  heads  to  promote  their  own  religion,  and 
to  suppress  that  which  had  any  tendency  to  lessen  tlie  im- 
portance of  the  sacerdotal  order.  For  their  more  success 
they  inquired  of  my  mirror,  as  an  oracle,  for  detection,  as 
to  means  most  proper  for  the  purpose.  Answer  was  given, 
"  By  the  power  of  the  sword."  Therefore,  in  the  popish 
Bible,  it  is  written,  "  Those  who,  in  contemptof  holy  church, 
shall  take  upon  them  to  live  according  to  the  dictates  of 
conscience  and  scripture,  shall  die  the  death,  and  their  estates 
shall  be  confiscated  to  the  prince  of  the  realm,  provided  al- 
ways that  one  full  moiety  of  every  such  estate  shall,  without 
deduction,  be  returned  to  his  holiness  at  Rome,  the  prmce 
over  the  kings  of  the  earth.  Moreover,  whoever  shall  hesi- 
tate about  yielding  his  conscience  to  the  guidance  of  the 
priest,  and  shall  not  with  apparent  willingness  bind  his  soul 
to  the  horns  of  the  pontifical  altar,  shall  be  deemed  and 
damned  for  an  heretic ;  that  is,  shall  be  burned  out  of  this 
world  at  a  stake,  and  shall  burn  for  ever  in  the  world  to 
come,  according  to  the  good  pleasure  of  his  merciful  holi- 
ness." 

Infidelis.  Ah,  cousin,  the  devil  was  sadly  outwitted  in 
that  affair ;  for  although  the  burning  of  heretics  was  a  pleas- 
ing diversion  to  our  good  friends  the  priests  for  the  time  be- 
ing, it  has  brought  them  into  contempt  which  will  prove 
everlasting.  Having  set  the  world  upon  reflection,  it  is  now 
found,  to  our  grief,  that  the  religion  of  Jesus  has  no  con- 
nexion with  a  spirit  of  intolerance,  which,  wherever  it  ob- 
tains, is  known  to  be  the  spirit  of  antichrist.  One  would 
really  suppose,  that  the  successor  of  St  Peter  liad  quite  for- 


OF    DEVILS.  187 

gotten  the  injunction  given  his  predecessor,  to  cease  from 
the  use  of  the  sword  and  let  it  abide  hi  its  sheath,  seeing  he 
accounts  its  edge  to  be  the  most  convincing  of  all  arguments. 
But  I  interrupt  your  story,  cousin. 

DiscoRDANs.  Often  have  I  seen  the  whimsical  hermit 
and  fantastical  devotee,  take  an  ample  view  of  his  own  re- 
ligious proceedings,  with  this  partial  telescope  and  inverting 
mirror,  and  thus  sounds  the  voice  of  self-applause  from  the 
hermitical  cell  at  the  bottom  of  Sinai,  or  on  the  top  of  Ararat 
"Lo,  what  a  high  degree  of  holiness  my  own  self-denial  and 
assiduity  have  procured  me.  Behold  !  what  great  good  my 
cnicifixion  of  the  flesh,  and  separation  from  the  world,  have 
wrought  out  for  me ;  for  which  I  may  thank  my  own  reso- 
lution. By  my  pious  diligence  I  have  obtained  holiness  suf- 
ficient to  qualify  me  for,  and  good  works  more  than  enough 
to  entitle  me  to  heaven.  Happy  I,  who  have  made  such  a 
good  improvement  of  my  time !  Unlike  to  those  indolent 
people  who,  when  they  die,  are  obliged  either  to  purchase 
their  pardons  at  an  advanced  price,  or  to  lie  for  ages  in  the 
flames  of  purgatory,  burning  away  their  rebellions ;  I  shall 
get  safe  to  heaven  without  so  much  as  touching  at  that 
flaming  prison  on  my  journey." 

Impiator.  Dear  cousin,  how  I  have  laughed  ;  laughed  my- 
self out  of  breath,  strong  and  healthy  as  my  lungs  are,  to 
see  the  papal  penitent,  after  he  has  in  holy  zeal  whipt  him- 
self with  the  cat-o'-nine-tails,  for  the  length  of  several  streets, 
till  the  impious  oflTending  gore  has  laid  on  the  stones.  En- 
amored with  his  own  fortitude  in  so  belaboring  the  sinful 
flesh,  I  have  seen  him,  after  his  penitential  work  was  finish- 
ed, examine  every  stripe  by  the  help  of  my  valuable  instru- 
ments, and  as  he  viewed,  he  cried  with  the  voice  of  exulta- 
tion, "  Ah,  how  infatuated  are  those  who  hope  to  get  to  hea- 
ven in  a  whole  skin  ;  without  mortifying  and  punishing  the 
wicked  flesh !  To  expose  themselves  to  such  severe  exercise 
in  the  discipline  of  purgatory,  for  w^ant  of  devotion  enough 
to  submit  to  the  discipline  of  the  church,  how  impious!  But 
I  shall  have  a  speedy  entrance  into  happiness  on  my  dissolu- 
tion ;  for  I  mortify  the  members  of  this  body,  and  these 
wounds  religiously  inflicted  voluntarily  by  my  own  hand, 
will  be  so  many  mouths  to  intercede  for  me  with  the  Al- 
mighty." 

AvARO.  So  then,  cousin,  the  intercession  of  Immanuel  is 


188  DIALOGUES 

quite  out  of  the  question,  with  your  penitents,  I  perceive. 
And  indeed  those  people  who  can  whip  themselves  to  hea- 
ven cannot  have  much  need  of  his  advocacy  and  intercession. 
If  the  whip,  well  applied,  can  save  a  man  from  destruction, 
one  would  be  apt  to  conclude,  that  Tmmanuel  might  have 
saved  himself  the  expense  of  such  bloody  sufferings  and 
agonizing  sorrows  as  he  underwent. 

DiscoRDANS.  That  is  true,  cousin ;  but  their  first  concern 
is  not  with  Immanuel,  but  his  holiness  the  pope.  Not  about 
the  favor  of  God,  but  that  of  his  reverence  the  priest,  who 
is  thought  to  have  all  the  orators  of  heaven  under  his  influ- 
ence. Therefore,  those  that  hope  for  favor  with  the  inhabit- 
ants of  heaven,  must  be  very  careful  not  to  lose  the  good 
graces  of  the  parson ;  for  it  is  thought,  no  man  can  meet 
with  a  cordial  reception  in  the  other  world,  but  what  brings 
proper  credentials  with  him  from  the  ghostly  guide  of  his 
conscience  in  this.  But  Death  is  a  wonderful  instructor, 
and  teaches  the  poor  beguiled  criminals,  lessons  which  they 
never  thought  of  in  life ;  and  amongst  others,  this  important 
one,  that  the  favor  of  the  pope  and  priest  can  be  of  no  more 
service  to  a  dying  man,  than  the  favor  of  Mahomet. 

When  the  true-born  sons  of  the  scarlet  whore,  are  pleased 
to  view  the  Protestants  with  my  telescope,  indignation  rises 
in  the  heart ;  and  thus  they  give  vent  to  their  zeal  and  ven- 
geance ;  "  Ah,  what  a  goodly  heaven  would  it  be  to  see  those 
heretics  broiling  in  the  flames  of  hell !  When  shall  ven- 
geance fall  to  the  uttermost  upon  those  who  dare  despise  the 
authority  of  the  church  and  its  holy  priest  1" 

Infidelis.  It  is  allowed  on  all  hands  in  the  church  of 
Rome,  that  to  protest  against  the  pope's  supremacy,  and  dis- 
believe his  infallibility,  is  the  sin  unpardonable ;  for  which 
no  dispensation  whatever  can  be  obtained  from  the  clergy, 
however  much  their  so  doing  may  be  approved  in  heaven. 
And  it  is  an  article  in  the  papal  faith,  that  fire  and  fagot, 
rack  and  gibbet,  are  the  most  convincing,  or  rather  invinci- 
ble of  all  arguments,  and  therefore  never  to  be  omitted  in 
the  decision  of  religious  disputes. 

Impiator.  When  we  consider,  sir,  that  his  holiness  of 
Rome  is  not  such  an  able  logician  as  Jesus  of  Nazareth, 
and  hath  a  religion  very  different  from  his  to  defend,  we 
must  allow  that  he  is  in  the  right  of  it  to  reason  with  the 
edge  of  the  coercive  weapon.    Fraudulent  religion  is  liable 


OF    DEVILS.  189 

to  many  disadvantages  tx)  which  truth  is  not  subject ;  and 
althougli  the  one  will  eternally  stand  of  itself,  against  all 
the  machinations  of  darkness,  the  other  will  require  the 
assistance  of  violence  and  intolerance  to  uphold  it.  Who 
then  can  blame  their  papal  reverences  for  pulling  the  sword 
from  its  scabbard,  m  order  to  convince  gainsayers  ?  I  have 
seen  many,  by  dint  of  sound  reasoning,  most  grievously  con- 
found the  holy  fathers,  who  became  like  dumb  dogs  that 
could  not  bark  before  them,  in  a  moment's  time  silenced  by 
the  end  of  a  cord,  or  some  such  irrefutable  argument.  These 
are  wonderful  ways  to  enlighten  the  consciences  of  heretics, 
gentlemen.  But  I  pray  you,  cousin,  have  you  no  concern 
among  the  Protestants  ? 

DiscoRDANs.  Not  a  little,  cousin,  which,  to-morrow,  I 
may  give  you  some  account  of;  but  at  present  must  forbear, 
the  usual  time  of  interview  being  elapsed.  Adieu,  my  kins- 
men, adieu. 


DIALOGUE  XIV. 

DISCORDANS. 

Yes,  gentlemen,  strange  as  it  may  seem,  I  assure  you  my 
advantages  by  these  instruments  are  great,  and  my  influ- 
ence even  over  Protestants  not  to  be  despised.  Though,  it 
is  true,  I  am  at  no  pains  to  prejudice  the  Protestants  against 
the  Papists,  or  to  make  use  of  my  instruments  in  order  to 
render  the  latter  more  disagreeable  than  they  really  are. 
For,  whilst  in  the  body,  it  is  impossible  to  make  a  thorough- 
bred papist  more  diabolical  than  he  is  already.  I  leave  it 
therefore  with  the  Protestants  to  examine  the  worshippers 
of  the  pope,  in  the  mirror  of  revealed  truth,  by  which  the 
anti-christianism  of  that  religion  is  sufficiently  detected ; 
and  all  the  fallacy  of  priestcraft  is  brought  to  open  light. 
But,  great  is  the  business  which  I  do  between  one  Protest- 
ant and  another ;  who,  although  they  unanimously  agree  to 
shake  off  the  papal  yoke,  are  most  grievously  divided  among 
themselves.  They  abominate  the  high  and  arrogant  pre- 
tensions of  Rome ;  yet  they  themselves  are  severally  the 


190  DIALOGUES 

most  orthodox,  and  drink  deeper  into  the  spirit  of  popery 
than  they  are  perhaps  aware  of,  even  of  the  precious  spirit 
of  intolerance  and  bigotry. 

When  a  zealous  churchman,  such  as  Sacheverel,  or  hig 
lordship  of  L ff,  or  a  Durell,  Nowel,  or  Blackett,  ex- 
amines his  own  party  with  my  telescope  and  mirror ;  how 
enamored  is  the  good  man  on  the  discovery  of  his  own  ex- 
cellency !  How  much  of  the  self-opinionated  strain  flows 
from  his  boasting  lips !  "  There  is  no  doubt,  says  he,  but  our 
church  is  truly  apostolical ;  the  purest  church  in  the  whole 
world.  We  hold  fast  the  form  of  sound  words,  and  are  not 
forgetful  of  the  tradition  of  the  elders." 

Infidelis.  No,  cousin,  they  are  not  forgetful  of  tradition ; 
for  with  all  the  pompous  parade  of  lordly  prelates,  there  is 
not  a  small  part  of  the  Episcopalian  formula  that  derives  its 
existence  from  the  traditions  of  even  the  Romish  fathers. 
Crmging  and  curtsying  when  the  name  of  Jesus  is  pro- 
nounced ;  worshipping  with  the  face  towards  the  east ; 
keeping  lent,  and  other  holidays  besides  the  Christian  Sab- 
bath ;  fasting  on  Fridays ;  crossing  in  baptism ;  with  a  great 
many  more,  are  all  sprung  from  the  Italian  fountain.  In  like 
manner  the  names  of  their  priests  evidently  show  that  the 
pope  stood  godfather  at  their  christening.  And  he  that  but 
looks  on  their  canonical  robes,  must  be  instantly  convinced 
that  they  are  cut  in  the  true  Italian  taste.  However,  they 
are  not  the  only  Protestants  who  hanker  after  papal  cus- 
toms; for  even  the  Geneva  cloak  itself  discovers  the  tailor's 
acquaintance  with  the  shops  of  Italy.  And  yet  to  hear  the 
Calvinists  boast  of  their  reformation  from  popery,  one  would 
think  we  could  not  find  so  much  as  a  shred  of  the  strum- 
pet's garments  within  the  pale  of  their  presbytery. 

DiscoRDANS.  It  is  a  rule  with  mankind  in  general,  to  look 
out  narrowly  for  the  mote  in  the  eye  of  another,  whilst  they 
tenderly  pass  by  the  beam  which  is  in  their  own  eye ;  and, 
as  we  have  brought  the  world  into  such  a  state  of  disorder, 
it  is  no  difficult  matter  for  the  eye  of  jealousy  to  find  faults 
enough.  Sometimes  I  clap  my  telescope  to  the  eye  of  a 
true  son  of  the  church,  and  direct  him  to  survey  the  whole 
body  of  dissenters ;  he  obeys,  and  then  exclaims,  "  These 
same  roundheads  are  schismatics,  prone  to  strife  and  sedi- 
tion ;  self-sufficient,  turbulent,  and  uneasy  bigots ;  haters  of 
apostolic  discipline,  and  lovers  of  Ucentipusnesg,  who  there- 


OF   DEVILS.  191 

fore  spit  in  the  face  of  their  mother,  and  wickedly  leave  the 
purest  church  in  tlie  world." 

Impiator.  I  pray  you,  cousin,  are  there  none  apostolical 
besides  the  Episcopalians  ? 

DiscoRDANS.  O  yes,  cousin  Impiator ;  all  are  apostolical, 
if  their  own  testimony  is  to  be  credited.  All  the  Romish 
clergy  are  apostolical,  and  give  it  out  that  Peter  the  fisher- 
man was  their  great-grandfather.  The  church  of  Scotland 
is  also  apostolical,  and  the  power  of  the  twelve  apostles  is 
tliought  to  have  been  transferred  to  the  Scotch  presbytery. 
The  Independents  are  apostolical  also  on  account  of  the 
soundness  of  their  doctrine,  and  regularity  of  some  part  of 
their  discipline.  But  both  they  and  the  north  country  cler- 
gymen labor  under  some  disadvantages;  for  the  latter  have 
lost  the  deed  of  transfer,  which  conveyed  the  authority  of 
the  apostles  unto  the  presbytery ;  and  the  former  are  un- 
happy enough  to  be  unable  to  produce  either  precept  or 
precedent  from  the  apostles  for  infant  sprinkling,  which  is 
notwithstanding  a  foundation  doctrine,  and  by  them  account- 
ed Christian  baptism.  The  Baptists,  or,  as  the  Independents 
and  Methodists  respectfully  call  them.  Anabaptists,  you  may 
be  sure,  are  not  less  apostolical  tlian  their  neighbors,  hav- 
ing, besides  all  the  advantages  claimed  by  the  Independents, 
the  enjoyment  of  baptism  according  to  the  primitive  insti- 
tution. So  that  no  defect  whatever,  in  point  of  a  gospel 
spirit,  can  hinder  them  from  being  apostolical. 

Even  ]\Ir.  Wesley  and  his  preachers  give  themselves  out 
to  be  apostolical,  notwithstanding  Mr.  Wesley  asserts  that 
salvation  is  by  works,  which  the  apostle  Paul  denied.  No 
contradiction  whatever  will  hinder  the  teachers  of  the  peo- 
ple from  considering  themselves  as  apostolical.  When  I  am 
used  to  attend  the  Sandemanian  church,  after  service-time, 
and  divert  myself  with  their  playing  at  blindman's  buff,  I 
confess  I  could  not  easily  gather  from  what  part  of  the  apos- 
tles' conduct  they  derived  their  w^arrant  for  this  game ;  any 
more  than  for  cards,  skittles,  attending  plays  and  masque- 
rades, going  to  Vauxhall,  Ranelagh,  &c.  &c.  and  yet  this  is 
the  only  apostolic  church  in  the  world  in  its  own  esteem, 
taken  in  its  proper  connexions.  However,  it  is  said,  some 
of  the  oldest  pillars  of  the  church  having  had  their  shins 
repeatedly  broken,  and  the  elders'  noses  having  been  smit- 
ten even  to  bloodshed,  they  have  laid  aside  that  dangerous 


192  DIALOGUES 

play  of  blindman's  buff,  so  very  apostolical  a  few  years  ago, 
and  have  found  out  ways  and  means  of  becoming  little  chil- 
dren, less  dangerous  and  more  becoming  their  infant  capa- 
cities, by  which  they  may  spend  the  evening  of  every  Sab- 
bath. 

Impiator.  By  your  leave,  cousin,  I  have  often  been  puz- 
zled to  find  out  how  it  is  the  prelates  of  the  church  of  Eng- 
land came  to  be  apostolical ;  and  I  protest  I  cannot,  after 
all,  unriddle  the  mystery.  I  have  heard  my  father  say,  that 
the  apostles  were  never  consecrated  to  any  see  whatever  in 
England,  and  there  was  not  half  the  number  of  apostles 
there  are  of  prelates  even  in  this  island.  Moreover,  I  have 
heard  him  say,  the  archbishops  and  bishops  of  the  English 
church  are  the  successors  of  the  archflamins  and  flamins, 
the  dignitaries  of  the  old  British  pagan  church,  prior  to  the 
days  of  Lucius.  Now  if  they  hold  the  honors  and  revenues 
of  the  pagan  clergymen,  how  is  it  that  they  are  apostolical  ] 
Is  it  because  the  name  is  changed  from  flamin  to  bishop,  or 
howl 

Certain  it  is,  the  English  bishops  must  be  of  a  more  noble 
order  than  the  apostles.  There  are  lord  bishops ;  they  pos- 
sess great  revenues;  they  are  clothed  in  soft  raiment, 
and  dwell  in  kings'  courts ;  they  are  too  high,  too  polite,  too 
dignified,  to  preach  in  a  common  assembly,  or  indeed  in  any 
other,  more  than  twice  or  thrice  a  year.  But  the  apostles 
were  men  of  mean  extraction,  not  lords,  not  right  rever- 
ends; plain  Paul,  Peter,  James,  &c.  They  were  contented 
if  their  revenues  would  purchase  food  and  raiment  for 
them ;  they  seldom  appeared  amongst  great  men,  in  kings' 
courts,  otherwise  than  in  quality  of  prisoners ;  they  were 
willing  to  spend  and  be  spent,  in  preaching  the  gospel  to 
all  people,  and  on  all  occasions ;  they  had  no  carriages,  no 
equipages ;  nothing  to  glory  of  but  their  afflictions,  which 
fell  upon  them  in  every  place  wherever  they  came. 

Infidelis.  There  is  some  weight  in  your  reasoning,  my 
son,  and  they  will  understand  it  hereafter.  But,  in  the  mean- 
while, it  is  not  clever  in  the  churchmen,  however  zealous, 
to  charge  the  nonconformists  with  having  separated  from 
the  church.  The  church  of  England,  in  her  rubric,  defines  a 
church  to  be  "  a  congregation  of  faithful  men,  where  the 
word  is  preached,  and  the  ordinances  are  administered;** 
from  whence  it  is  plain,  a  church  may  meet  in  a  house 


OF   DEVILS.  193 

which  has  never  a  steeple ;  and  a  man  may  leave  the  house 
of  parish  worship,  or  what  is  called  the  parish  church,  and 
yet  cleave  to  a  congregation  of  faithful  men  and  women, 
where  the  ordinances  are  administered  and  the  word  preach- 
ed, which  the  rubric,  as  before  observed,  acknowledges  to 
be  tlie  true  church.  Churches  are  built  of  living  stones, 
which  never  a  parish  church  nor  cathedral  in  England  is ; 
therefore  a  departure  from  them  can  never,  with  propriety, 
be  said  to  be  a  schism  in  the  church.  My  good  friend,  the 
high  churchman,  is  somewhat  unkind  to  the  nonconformists 
in  this  affair. 

DiscoRDANS.  I  allow  it,  sir.  But  I  assure  you  the  non- 
conformist perfectly  understands  the  law  of  retaliation,  and 
is  an  adept  in  the  use  of  my  instruments.  In  some  zealous 
hour  of  self-approbation  you  may  hear  his  thoughts  about 
the  Episcopalians.  "These  Episcopalians,  says  he,  these 
mongrels,  are  monsters  in  religion  ;  like  Ephraim,  they  are 
neither  baked  nor  unbaked,  but  like  a  cake  not  turned; 
neither  good  protestants  nor  right  papists.  Partly  they  wor- 
ship God,  and  partly  they  obey  the  pope.  What  consistency 
can  there  be  in  such  a  jumbled  religion  1  Can  there  be  any 
good,  where  there  is  so  much  papal  dross  and  refuse  ?  Any 
true  religion  where  there  is  so  much  false  traditional  super- 
stition 1  Can  there  be  any  thing  of  the  substance,  where 
there  is  so  much  of  the  shadow  1"  So  you  see  there  is  never 
a  sect  of  Protestants,  but  will  occasionally  do  the  devil  a 
kindness,  in  their  treatment  of  one  another. 

Infidelis.  This  language  of  the  nonconformists  is  not 
general,  cousin ;  for  there  are  many  who  believe  that  a  per- 
son may  really  be  saved,  although  even  not  of  their  com- 
munity; and  that  all  who  dif?er  from  them,  are  not  to  be 
treated  as  absolutely  enemies  to  God  and  all  religion.  The 
like  may  be  said  of  the  good  people  of  the  church  of  Eng- 
land. For  amongst  them  you  will  find  some  who  do  not 
really  think  that  every  dissenter  is  absolutely  in  a  state  of 
damnation,  and  hope  at  least  that  a  man  may  escape  hell, 
even  though  he  never  sets  his  foot  in  the  parish  church. 
However,  I  have  often  been  highly  diverted  at  hearing  the 
church  parson  on  the  one  hand,  railing  against  the  neigh- 
boring dissenters  as  worse  than  the  papists,  instead  of 
preaching  the  gospel ;  and,  on  the  other  hand,  the  dissenter, 
with  the  greatest  dexterity,  bandying  back  the  curse  upon 
R 


194  DIALOGUES 

his  reverence,  as  the  dog  that  barks  at  the  sheep  of  Christ 
Prejudice,  cousin,  deals  all  in  extremes;  it  never  touches 
on  the  middle  path  of  judgment,  the  path  reserved  for  the 
gentle  steps  of  candor. 

DiscoRDANS.  It  is  not  enough  that  I  persuade  the  most 
bigoted  part  of  both  conformists  and  nonconformists,  recip- 
rocally to  consider  each  other  as  the  avowed  and  incorrig- 
ible enemies  of  Christianity,  and  themselves  to  be  its  warm- 
est votaries.  But  I  find  means  to  procure  the  noncons  a 
sight  of  each  other  in  my  celebrated  telescope,  and  each  to 
treat  the  different  denominations  with  as  much  rigor  and  in- 
justice, as  if  they  were  not  followers  or  did  not  profess  to 
be  followers  of  one  and  the  same  Savior.  The  hottest 
episcopalian  rage  ever  felt  by  their  forefathers,  discovered 
not  more  bigotry  than  what  some  of  them  discover  against 
one  another. 

I  was  greatly  edified  the  other  day  in  paying  a  visit  to  an 
eminent  Quaker,  who,  when  with  curious  eye  he  was  exam- 
ining my  instruments,  was  moved  by  the  spirit  of  self-con- 
ceit, to  examine,  try,  cast  and  condemn  all  the  sects  of  pro- 
fessors around  him,  as  destitute  of  the  inward  power  of  re- 
ligion ;  and  thus,  having  my  telescope  at  his  eye,  he  began : 
"Friend  Episcopalius,  I  perceive  thou  art  so  carried  away 
with  the  form,  that  thou  carest  not  for  the  power  of  reli- 
gion. Vain  man,  shadows  are  thy  delight,  and  thou  little  re- 
gardest  the  substance.  Dost  thou  think,  friend  Episcopalius, 
that  the  spirit  is  in  the  service-book  ]  Why  dost  not  thee 
read  friend  Barclay's  Apology'?  Dost  thou  suppose  that 
Christian  ministers  are  ever  to  be  seen  shrouded  in  Romish 
weeds  and  surplices  1  How  can  thy  steeple-house  be  a  re- 
ceptacle of  the  meek  and  peaceful  saints,  when  there  is 
such  a  clinking  of  bells  from  the  top  of  it  ]  Is  it  not  more 
likely  a  synagogue  of  Satan,  whose  servants  are  turbulent 
and  noisy  1  Thy  ministers  preach  for  hire,  friend,  they  take 
tithes  and  offerings  from  the  people,  and  how  can  they  then 
be  ministers  of  Jesus  Christ  1  I  advise  thee,  friend  Episco- 
palius, to  consider  thy  ways,  and  turn  to  the  light  within 
thee;  tlien  thy  priests  will  let  one  shirt  at  a  time  serve 
their  turn,  and  will  no  longer  preach  for  tithes  and  offer- 
ings. Then  shaft  thou  thyself  be  led  to  renounce  the  fanta- 
sies of  this  vain  life,  and  solicit  neither  for  church  nor  state 
preferment,  but  wilt  content  thyself  with  getting  money  in 


OF    DEVILS.  195 

a  way  of  trade,  like  our  self-denying  brethren.  I  say  again, 
vain  man,  consider  how  worldly  are  thy  practices. 

"  As  for  you,  my  friends  of  the  Presbyterian  and  inde- 
pendent denominations,  I  allow  that  ye  do  not  conform  to 
the  corrected  mass-book,  for  wiiich  some  praise  is  due  to 
you.  But,  alas !  ye  conform  to  the  world,  notwitlistanding. 
Look  ye,  friends,  your  women  wear  ribbons  of  unholy  co- 
lors; rings  of  gold,  polluted  by  the  profane  hands  of  the  sil- 
versmith ;  yea,  ruffles,  furbeloes,  and  heads  frizzled  up  to  an 
enormous  height,  of  downright  French  profaneness;  your 
women  are  ladies,  madams,  and  misses,  all  of  which  indi- 
cate that  ye  are  destitute  of  the  inward  power,  and  neglect 
to  look  to  the  light  within  you.  Yea,  examine  but  your  own 
clothes,  ye  who  call  yourselves  gentlemen,  and  see  what  ir- 
religion  discovers  itself  in  every  part  of  their  fabrication. 
Do  you  see,  friends,  your  parsons  wear  clothes  of  an  idola- 
trous black,  and  bands  starched  with  superstition,  after  the 
manner  of  popish  and  episcopalian  hirelings.  Ye  make 
ministers,  sprinkle  your  infants,  use  ordinances,  and,  like 
all  other  worldlings,  are  as  much  attached  to  shadows,  as  if 
tlie  substance  were  not  to  come;  yea,  your  clothes  are 
made  of  unholy  colors,  such  as  are  worn  by  the  servants  of 
the  flesh ;  ye  wear  Tjuttons,  made  of  metal  digged  out  of 
the  bowels  of  the  smful  earth ;  even  pocket-holes  impiously 
gaping  in  the  fore-skirts  of  j^our  upper  garment ;  and  to  add 
to  the  height  of  your  carnality,  your  hats  are  wickedly 
cocked,  after  the  manner  of  the  sons  of  antichrist.  I  charge 
you  all,  ye  Presbyterians  and  independents,  to  turn  to  the 
light  w^ithin  you,  and  that  will  lead  you  to  the  substance. 
Then  will  ye  forsake  all  these  lying  and  worldly  vanities. 

"  As  for  thee,  my  friend  Baptismus,  (continued  the  seri- 
ous Quaker)  thou  art  worse  than  all  the  rest ;  they  have 
given  up  some  of  the  ordinances  which  were  in  use  during 
the  apostles'  days,  but  thou  retainest  every  punctilio;  in 
this  therefore  thou  art  formal  and  superstitious.  By  leading 
of  people  to  submit  to  those  primitive  ordinances,  thou  dis- 
"honorest  the  light  within  thee,  which  teaches  those  who 
obey  it  to  despise  ordinances,  as  thou  seest  in  the  case  of 
our  brethren.  Besides,  thy  clothes  are  of  a  dark  color,  like 
those  of  other  hirelings  and  men-made  preachers.  Why 
dost  thou  not  imitate  our  elders  in  wearing  cloth  of  a  reli- 
gious color,  even  of  an  holy  drab  1  Observe  me,  friend,  thy 


196  DIALOGUES 

hat  is  cocked  after  a  popish  manner,  and  thou  wearest  a 
button  and  loop  upon  it,  after  the  fashion  of  an  antichrist. 
Why  hast  thou  not  hooks  and  eyes  to  raise  it  only  to  a  half 
bend,  after  the  manner  of  the  spiritual  ] 

"  It  appears  but  too  plainly,  friend  Baptisraus,  that  thou 
art  still  in  the  world.  Thy  preachers  also  wear  popish 
cambric  on  their  bosoms,  preach  for  hire,  and  assume  the 
epithet  of  reverend.  Thee  and  thy  friends  make  a  mighty 
bustle  about  what  thou  callest  the  scripture.  I  pray  thee, 
friend,  turn  thee  from  that  dead  letter,  to  the  author  of  it 
within,  so  shalt  thou  be  taught  to  contemn  ordinances,  as 
we  do,  and  to  give  honor  to  none  of  thy  fellow-creatures, 
how  much  soever  it  may  be  due. 

"  But  thou,  my  friend  Wesley,  comest  more  near  to  the 
standard  than  any  of  thy  neighbors.  Thy  priests  are  not 
hirelings,  having  only  food  and  raiment,  and  thou  wisely 
takest  care  of  the  rest.  Neither  are  they  of  human  manu- 
facture, but  are  all  like  unto  our  elders,  sent  forth  by  special 
commission  from  heaven,  from  whence  thou  sayest  that 
thou  derivest  thy  own  commission. 

"  Thou  preachest  the  free  agency  of  man  also,  and  shut- 
test  none  out  from  heaven,  besides  those  who  will  not  fulfil 
thy  conditions,  or,  as  our  elders  say,  refuse  to  obey  the  dic- 
tates of  the  true  light  within  them.  Nevertheless,  thou 
fallest  short  of  perfection ;  for  though  thou  despisest  the 
bishops  as  dumb  dogs,  thou  art  mightily  taken  with  the 
steeple-house ;  and,  although  thou  thyself  wilt  be  subject  to 
no  ordinance  but  what  thou  thinkest  meet,  thou  supersti- 
tiously  bindest  both  thy  preachers  and  people  to  the  observ- 
ance of  every  rite  of  what  thou  callest  the  church.  I  pray 
thee,  friend  John,  why  dost  thou  pinch  thy  belly  on  Fridays  1 
What  seest  thou  m  the  fifth  hour  more  than  in  the  ninth, 
that  thou  shouldest  set  it  apart  for  what  thou  callest  devo- 
tion ]  Why  shouldest  thou  exhort  thy  preachers  to  read 
the  scriptures  with  thy  notes,  to  read  thy  other  tracts  in 
preference  to  all  others,  to  pray  at  certain  hours,  as  if  the 
spirit  were  at  their  command,  and  to  preach  twice  every 
day  of  their  lives  ]  Thou  art  too  formal,  friend,  and  regard- 
est  not  duly  the  light  that  is  within  thee." 

Infidelis.  And  so  your  friend,  the  Quaker,  is  pleased  to 
tell  all  the  world,  that  he  is  possest  of  the  spirit  of  bigotry 
and  self-conceit.    However,  he  is  not  tlie  only  bigot  in  tlie 


OF    DEVILS.  197 

world.  Bigotry  is  an  epidemical  distemper  among  man- 
kind, and  I  know  no  greater  bigots  than  the  people  who 
profess  to  be  the  wannest  votaries  for  unlimited  charity. 
Who  was  ever  more  bigoted  than  friend  Barclay  and  his 
quaking  bretliren  ?  Or  Avho  in  the  world  is  more  bigoted 
and  dogmatical  at  this  day,  than  the  reverend  principal  of 
the  Foundry,  that  great  votary  for  universal  redemption,  and 
the  spontaneous  agency  of  men.  So  very  highly  is  this 
gentleman  esteemed,  by  many  of  his  people,  that  I  have 
heard  his  labors  extolled  above  those  of  Paul  the  apostle ; 
and  indeed  himself  accounted  to  be  one  of  the  two  witnesses, 
spoken  of  in  the  apocalypse.  But  in  this  they  must  be  mis- 
taken, unless  by  sackcloth,  in  which  the  witnesses  prophe- 
sied, we  are  to  understand  prunella ;  for  in  black  prunella, 
instead  of  sackcloth,  have  all  the  prophecies  of  IMr.  John  been 
published. 

DiscoRDANS.  My  fi-iend,  the  Quaker,  having  triumphantly 
surveyed  the  supposed  imperfections  of  his  neighbors,  turned 
the  telescope  towards  himself;  then  gathering  his  muscles 
into  a  smile  of  seit-complacency,  he  said.  Yea,  it  is  evident 
that  I  am  a  true  follower  of  the  light  within,  for  I  give 
honor  to  no  man,  how  much  soever  it  is  his  due  ;  prince  and 
peasant,  noble  and  ignoble,  are  all  tlie  same  to  me,  my  feJ- 
low-creatures  and  equals.  In  farther  obedience  to  the  in- 
ward light,  I  do  not  pray,  not  once  in  seven  years,  unless 
moved  by  an  impulse  from  the  spirit.  My  inward  bible  I 
often  read  ;  but  the  dead  letter  of  external  scripture  I  leave 
to  those  who  are  fond  of  shadows.  My  raiment  too  is  all 
made  of  an  approved  color,  even  of  sanctified  drab;  and  my 
linen  is  plain,  though  fine  and  neatly  dressed.  Yea,  and 
Martha,  my  good  wife,  too,  is  separated  from  the  world,  and 
is  a  suitable  help-meet  to  a  spiritual  man ;  she  wears  no 
furbeloes,  no  profane  cardinals,  capuchins,  dominos,  &c.  but 
all  her  apparel  is  rich,  good  and  plahi,  becoming  a  separa- 
tion from  the  world, 

Infidelis.  With  the  Quaker's  good  leave,  I  think  the 
faults  he  finds  in  his  neighbors,  are  but  little  gnats  when 
compared  to  the  huge  camels,  which  to  my  certain  know- 
ledge he  himself  can  swallow  without  strainmg.  Besides, 
the  virtues  of  which  he  makes  his  boast,  even  supposing 
them  to  be  virtues,  are  all  external,  and  are  no  more  than 
tithes  paid  of  anise,  mint  and  cummin,  whilst  the  weightier 
R2 


198  DIALOGUES 

matters  of  the  law  are  neglected,  perhaps  even  by  this 
precisian. 

AvARO.  I  have  often  wondered  what  it  is  that  makes  a 
drab  color  more  religious  and  becommg  than  another ;  yet 
certainly  it  must  be  so,  for  the  Quakers  are  wise,  very  wise, 
and  could  not  be  imposed  on,  as  every  tradesman  who  deals 
with  them  is  ready  to  testify.  Amongst  my  disciples  I  have 
heard  amazing  accounts  of  the  wisdom  of  the  Quakers,  and 
the  use  they  are  of,  in  teaching  even  novices  wisdom,  by 
their  provident  example.  However,  I  have  as  much  won- 
dered what  the  papists,  episcopalians,  and  every  other  sect 
of  professors,  discern  so  amiable  and  lovely  in  black,  as  to 
induce  them  to  make  it  a  canonical  color ;  and  almost,  if 
not  altogether,  essential  to  the  ministration  of  the  word.  No 
doubt  they  have  heard  that  Beelzebub  is  said  to  be  drest  in 
raiment  of  the  deepest  black ;  and  one  would  wonder  they 
should  desire  their  ministers  to  be  clothed  in  the  same 
uniform,  seeing  they  professedly  have  declared  war  against 
him  and  all  his  principalities.  Yet  so  it  is  ;  for  any  other 
than  dark-colored  clothes  upon  a  minister,  would  frighten 
an  auditory  out  of  their  pews,  and  the  best  of  sermons 
would  not  be  worth  hearing,  if  the  preacher  were  not  in- 
vested in  the  sacerdotal  livery. 

Fastosus.  It  is  I,  my  friends,  even  I,  who  am  at  the 
bottom  of  that  religious  whim.  But  for  me,  white  would 
be  thought  to  become  the  pulpit  as  well  as  black,  and  green 
would  be  as  holy  as  gray.  I  call  it  whim,  because  the 
greatest  of  the  Nazarenes,  in  ancient  times,  knew  no  color 
which  was  more  holy  than  the  rest ;  and  the  same  clothes 
in  which  the  apostle  Paul  made  his  tents,  served  him  as 
canonical  robes,  in  which  he  also  preached  the  gospel.  By 
this  you  may  see  that  my  influence  is  very  extensive,  even 
in  religious  things. 

Impiator.  What,  uncle,  had  not  Paul  a  gown  and  cas- 
sock, in  which  he  preached,  and  a  surplice  in  which  he 
offered  up  his  prayers  1 

Fastosus.  No,  Impiator.  Wliere  should  he  have  them  1 
You  may  know  that  the  gown,  surplice,  &c.  were  contrived 
by  the  man  of  sin,  I  mean  the  son  of  perdition,  whose  prin- 
cipal seat  is  at  Rome ;  but  in  the  days  of  the  apostles  he 
was  not  revealed,  notwithstanding  the  mystery  of  popish 


OF    DEVILS.  199 

doctrine  had  indeed  begun  to  work.  But  all  this  while  we 
forget  our  good  friend  the  Quaker. 

Infidelis.  Indeed,  brother,  we  do  not  use  the  Quaker 
handsomely  in  so  long  neglecting  of  him ;  but  to  make  him 
some  amends,  I  must  tell  you,  that  I  have  often  laughed 
heartily  to  hear  those  precise  gentry  exclaim  against  the 
form  of  religion  by  others  adhered  to,  as  if  they  themselves 
were  nothing  but  spirit,  when  at  the  same  time  they  are  as 
formal  a  people  as  any  upon  earth.  And  in  truth  very  few 
of  them  know  any  thing  at  all  of  religion,  besides  that  very 
imperfect  form  which  they  have  adopted.  But  we  are  wise 
enough  ta  keep  our  thumb  upon  that ;  for  if  the  cheat  were 
discovered,  I  am  afraid  they  would  be  glad  to  embrace  that 
part  of  the  form  of  religion  which  they  reject,  in  order 
to  obtain  the  power  of  it,  of  which  the  far  greater  part  of 
them  now  are  destitute. 

DiscoRDANS.  I  can  tell  you,  the  Quakers  are  liberally 
paid  back  in  their  own  coin.  And  amongst  every  sect  of 
Protestants  hitherto  mentioned,  you  will  find  some  who 
seldom  or  never  look  at  the  people  called  Quakers  but 
through  my  telescope.  Were  you  by,  when  the  Quaker  is 
examined  by  the  rest  of  the  Protestants,  you  would  almost 
split  your  sides  with  laughing  at  their  partiality  and  unfair 
representation.  Say  they,  "  The  Quakers'  religion  lies  all  in 
their  dress,  speech,  and  money-getting.  Their  religion  lies 
not  in  the  head,  but  in  broad-brimmed  half-cocked  hats. 
Not  in  tiieir  hearts,  but  in  their  coats.  Not  in  their  actions, 
but  in  their  tongues.  All  their  public  meetings  are  calcu- 
lated to  promote  the  great  end  of  getting  money,  and  in- 
creasing commerce ;  are  not  religious,  but  merely  political." 

By  this  you  may  see,  that  the  Quakers  are  abused  and 
belied  in  their  turn,  as  well  as  they  abuse  and  belie  others. 
The  above  reflections  are  just  enough  when  applied  only  to 
some  or  to  a  great  many  of  them,  but  will  by  no  means  hold 
as  a  general  rule ;  seeing  you  all  know,  there  is  now  and 
then  a  Quaker  who  breaks  away  from  his  subjection  to  the 
god  of  this  world  ;  and  despising  all  that  we  and  our  sable 
clan  can  do  to  prevent  it,  gets  safe  within  the  palace  of  Im- 
manuel.  Moreover,  there  are,  at  those  public  meetings, 
some,  though  comparatively  few,  who  have  a  truly  religious 
design  in  giving  their  attendance.    From  these  things  you 


200  DIALOGUES 

may  see,  my  friends,  that  prejudice  deals  all  in  extremes, 
and  knows  not  how  to  speak  favorably. 

Infidelis.  There  is  a  gross  mistake,  into  which  we  have 
with  great  vigilance  ensnared  the  posterity  of  Adam.  When 
a  small  number  only,  of  any  particular  body  of  people,  are 
fomid  guilty  of  a  certain  evil,  the  crime  is  usually  charged 
upon  the  whole  ;  and  the  precipitate,  injudicious  conclu- 
sion is,  "  They  are  alike."  For  instance,  the  Munster  Bap- 
tists were  once  guilty  of  certain  outrages,  with  which  the 
whole  sect  of  antipedobaptists  are  to  this  day  very  charitably 
calumniated.  And  because  very  many  of  the  Quakers  are 
amazingly  wise  to  get  money,  and  to  keep  it  when  it  is  pro- 
cured, it  is  often  said  they  are  all  such,  and  that  Avaro  is 
their  lawgiver. 

Heyday,  whither  is  the  rule  of  moral  equity  gone,  that 
the  professors  of  religion  cannot  set  their  eyes  upon  it? 
Where  is  that  candor  and  benevolence,  which  the  Christian 
religion  everywhere  recommends,  that  you,  cousin,  have 
gained  such  an  ascendency  over  them  1 

DiscoRDANs.  By  the  instrumentality  of  these  glasses,  I 
got  the  preachers  of  salvation  by  grace,  traduced  as  Antino- 
mians,  and  the  doctrines  of  the  word  of  God  bespattered  as 
so  many  sources  of  licentiousness.  For  instance,  the  preacher, 
as  his  duty  is,  declares,  "  That  salvation  is  not  of  works,  but 
grace ;"  and  may  thus  reason  with  the  people :  "  You  can 
do  nothing  that  will  recommend  you  to  the  favor  of  God ; 
the  Ethiopian  may  change  his  hue,  and  the  leopard  his  spots, 
as  soon  as  you,  who  are  accustomed  to  do  evil,  can  change 
your  own  nature,  and  learn  to  do  well :  for  it  is  not  of 
works  of  righteousness  which  ye  have  done,  or  can  do,  that 
your  salvation  cometh ;  but  merely  by  the  calling  of  free 
mercy."  I  intantly  clap  my  telescope  to  the  eye  of  the  le- 
galist, and  he  exclaims,  "  What  an  enemy  to  good  works  is 
this  same  wretched  Antinomian!  According  to  him,  we 
may  as  well  do  nothing  as  strive  to  procure  the  favor  of 
God ;  may  as  well  lead  lives  the  most  vile  and  profligate,  as 
study  to  live  righteously  and  holily ;  for,  according  to  this 
same  preacher,  our  wickedness  is  as  acceptable  to  God,  as 
our  most  holy  and  virtuous  living.  Yea,  more  acceptable ; 
for  he  declares,  that  harlots  and  publicans  shall  enter  into 
the  kingdom  of  heaven,  sooner  than  those  who  do  what  they 
can  to  procure  eternal  life  by  their  holiness  and  good  works." 


OF    DEVILS.  201 

Such  is  the  lan^age,  not  only  of  the  vulgar  and  ignorant, 
but  of  many  who  profess  to  know  much  of  religion.  When- 
ever the  self-sufficient  Arminius  is  in  the  humor  to  try  the 
doctrines  of  the  gospel  in  my  inverting  mirror,  and  the 
preachers  of  them  in  my  partial  telescope,  he  very  candidly 
and  with  great  liberality,  bestows  u{X)n  them  such  as  the 
following  reflections :  "  These  wretched  Calvinists  repre- 
sent the  Almighty  God  as  a  partial  and  unmerciful  bemg, 
who  hides  his  gospel  and  withholds  his  grace  from  men  of 
virtue,  wisdom,  and  prudence,  whilst  he  reveals  himself  to 
the  most  notorious  transgressors.  They  say,  that  a  man  of 
a  regular  inoffensive  life  may  perish  for  ever,  when  a  mur- 
derer, like  Manasseh ;  a  polluted  prostitute,  as  Magdalen ;  and 
a  wicked  oppressor,  like  Zaccheus,  shall  be  saved.  If  this 
is  true,  then  we  had  better  live  notoriously  wicked,  than  so- 
ber, righteous  and  godly  lives.  What  wretched,  what  dan- 
gerous doctrine  is  this !  they  make  God  to  be  the  author  of 
sm  too ;  for  they  say  that  nothing  comes  to  pass  but  by  di- 
vine appointment  or  permission.  They  talk  also  of  some 
horrible  decree,  in  which  God  is  said  to  have  ordained  the 
things  which  are  coming  and  shall  come.  No  need  of  holi- 
ness, if  salvation  is  not  of  him  that  willeth ;  no  need  of  dili- 
gence, if  it  is  not  of  him  that  runneth,  but  to  whom  the  Al- 
mighty showeth  mercy.  If  God  hath  mercy  only  upon  whom 
heVill  have  mercy,  and  hardeneth  whom  he  will,  we  may 
live  as  we  please ;  for  if  we  are  to  be  saved,  we  shall  not  be 
damned.  What  diabolical  doctrine  is  this!"*  Thus  the 
Arminian  raves  against  the  doctrine  of  the  scripture,  and 
all  its  faithful  preachers. 

Impiator.  I  pray  you,  cousin,  who  are  these  same  Ar- 
minians  ]  You  know  I  am  but  little  conversant  with  religious 
people  of  any  name. 

DiscoRDANs.  The  papists  in  general,  cousin ;  and  all  the 
unconverted,  who  have  any  notion  at  all  about  redemption 
through  the  blood  of  Christ.  Mr.  Wesley  and  his  followers, 
the  Baxterians  and  Neonomians ;  for  none  exceed  them  in 
enmity  against  the  purity  of  doctrme.     Thus  you  may  see, 

*  These  devils,  I  perceive,  are  not  very  exact  in  literally  copying  the 
expressions,  but  content  themselves  with  expressing  the  spirit  of  preach- 
ers and  writers.  If  any  reader  should  think  that  Discordans  does  injus- 
tice to  the  Arminians  here,  he  maybe  satisfied  of  the  contrary,  by  con- 
Bolting  Sellon  against  Coles.    Fletcher's  defence  of  Wesley's  minutea. 


202  DIALOGUES 

that  the  Arminian  party  is  by  far  the  most  numerous,  and 
most  honorable  among  men,  and  therefore  gams  proselytes 
from  all  quarters.  Though,  by  the  way,  it  is  a  pretty  strong 
proof  that  it  is  the  doctrine  of  antichrist,  seeing  Immanuel 
and  his  doctrines  are  everywhere  spoken  against,  by  men 
of  philosophy  and  natural  religion. 

Infidelis.  You  know,  cousin  Discordans,  that  we  have 
found  out  many  ways  of  opposing  the  pure  gospel,  and  this 
is  one  among  the  rest ;  under  our  influence,  the  grace  abus- 
ing libertme  censures  the  true  Christian  as  legal,  because 
he  strenuously  pleads  for  purity  of  heart  and  regularity  of 
conversation.  On  the  other  hand,  the  real  legalist,  whether 
he  be  Socinian  or  Arminian,  alleges,  that  the  evangelical 
Christian  is  an  Antinomian,  because  he  utterly  disclaims 
the  merit  of  good  works  in  the  business  of  salvation.  In- 
deed, on  all  hands,  those  who  choose  either  of  the  extremes, 
never  fail  to  censure  such  as  adhere  to  the  middle  path  of 
judgment ;  which  you  know  is  the  only  path  of  safety. 

Fastosus.  Your  observation,  brother,  fulfils  what  is 
written  in  Immanuel's  ovra  word,  concerning  these  same 
Nazarenes,  "As  for  this  sect,  it  is  everywhere  spoken 
against."  However  the  enemies  of  true  religion  differ 
among  themselves,  they  agree  in  stigmatizing  the  real 
Christian.  Belarmine,  Pucksius,  Huberus,  Hemengius,  &c. 
holy  fathers  of  the  Komish  church,  heartily  belabored  them 
in  their  days;  Dr.  Whitby,  John  Goodwin,  Whiston,  &c. 
of  the  English  church,  have  carried  on  the  dispute  with 
equal  warmth,  and  improved  the  same  chain  of  arguments 
against  them  in  latter  days ;  in  the  present  time  Dr.  Har- 
wood  of  Bristol,  Mr.  Wesley  of  London,  Mr.  Sellon  of  Der- 
byshire, and  Dr,  Nowel  of  Oxford,  have  managed  the  popish 
cause  with  amazing  address,  and  all  the  while  pass  for  true 
Protestants.  So  that  everywhere,  that  gospel  which  is 
suited  only  to  the  perishing  sinner,  is  spoken  against,  as  per- 
nicious and  subversive  of  holmess. 

DiscoRDANS.  Our  friends,  the  men  of  this  world,  always 
view  the  sect  of  the  Nazarenes  in  my  glasses,  and  as  they 
look  on  them,  they  say,  "  What  a  despicable  tribe  is  this ! 
A  set  of  mean  beggarly  people,  the  oflfecourings  of  the  earth, 
and  the  very  dregs  of  humanity.  Not  a  person  of  any  con- 
siderable rank  among  them.  Led  by  the  nose  by  a  set  of 
illiterate  dogmatical  fishermen.    What  person,  possessed  of 


OF   DEVILS.  203 

any  sense  of  honor,  would  frequent  their  assemblies,  or  have 
any  connexion  with  their  societies  ]" 

Infidelis.  Your  remarks  are  very  just,  my  worthy  cousin ; 
for  mankind  in  general  have  forgotten  that  the  scripture 
says,  "  Not  many  wise  men  after  the  flesh,  not  many  noble 
are  called;  but  God  hath  chosen  the  foolish  things  of  this 
world  to  confound  the  wise,  and  the  weak  things  of  the 
world  to  confound  the  mighty."  So  that  the  very  objections 
raised  against  them,  prove  the  Nazarenes  to  be  the  people 
whom  Immanuel  hath  redeemed  out  of  the  world. 

DiscoRDANS.  True,  sir,  but  they  see  not  the  mistake. 
But  to  proceed ;  my  instruments  farther  represent  them,  as 
a  set  of  hollow-hearted  hypocrites,  whom  our  people  thus 
deride.  "What  painted  deceivers  are  these,  who  make 
such  a  stir  about  religion,  and  affect  such  an  air  of  sanctity ! 
Hear  how  they  sigh  and  whine,  whilst  that  rogue  of  a  fa- 
natic tells  them  his  cant  story  about  I  know  not  what  The 
scripture  says,  '  Be  not  righteous  overmuch ;  seek  not  to  be 
over  wise.'  And  I  dare  say  that  we  have  as  much  religion 
as  they,  though  we  do  not  make  such  a  stir  about  it.  I  will 
warrant  me  these  hypocrites  are  more  wicked  in  private 
than  we  are  in  public ;  for,  although  they  will  not  get  drunk, 
curse  and  swear,  as  we  do,  they  will  cheat  and  lie  like 
the  devil  himself." 

Fastosus,  a  demonstrative  proof  of  the  perfection  of  our 
conquest  over  them ;  for  mankind  in  general  do  not  only 
hate  godliness  itself,  but  even  its  appearance.  And  for  this 
reason  true  sanctity,  devotion  and  self-denial  are  commonly 
censured  as  hypocrisy. 

DiscoRDANs.  As  our  good  friends  of  the  world  are  not  as 
yet  perfectly  agreed  in  their  manner  of  aspersing  good  peo- 
ple, it  happens  that  different  people  pursue  different  methods, 
equally  absurd  and  diabolical.  Some,  for  instance,  are 
pleased  to  say,  "  These  people  are  melancholy.  See  how 
they  hang  down  their  heads  like  bulrushes  as  they  pass 
along  the  streets.  One  shall  never  see  them  look  pleasant, 
nor  hear  them  sing  a  merry  song,  as  others  occasionally  do 
with  innocence.  I  hate  that  religion  which  makes  people 
melancholy." 

Infidelis.  People  greatly  betray  their  own  ignorance, 
when  they  assign  the  cause  of  melancholy  to  the  religion 
of  Jesus ;  the  end  of  which  is  to  revive  and  comfort  the 


204  DIALOGUES 

melancholy  sinner,  whose  heart  is  oppressed  with  a  sense 
of  guilt  and  defilement.  To  revive  the  spirit  of  the  con- 
trite, to  bind  up  the  broken-hearted,  and  to  make  the  lame 
leap  for  joy,  because  they  obtain  the  prey.  Nor  do  those 
revilers  of  religion  consider  that  they  themselves,  by  their 
contempt  of  Christianity,  do  all  they  can  to  excite  the  grief 
of  the  sincere  Christian,  who  cannot  see  his  fellow-sinners 
walking  jocosely  in  the  paths  of  perdition,  without  dropping 
over  them  a  tear  of  commiseration. 

DiscoRDANS.  No,  they  never  think  of  the  real  cause,  but 
with  a  disdainful  sneer  continue  to  say,  "See  how  they 
melt  in  sorrow ;  hark  how  they  sigh  and  groan,  whilst  their 
artful  parson  tells  them  an  horrible  story  about  death  and 
judgment,  heaven  and  hell,  salvation  and  damnation,  with  I 
know  not  what.  They  are  driven  out  of  their  senses  with 
such  terrible  doctrine.  Who  would  thus  subject  his  con- 
science to  the  pedantry  of  those  enthusiastic  bigots,  their 
uncharitable  parsons.'" 

Fastosus.  The  fashionable  part  of  the  world  hate  to 
think  of  death  or  judgment,  because  the  very  thought 
would  deprive  their  beloved  pleasures  of  all  their  imaginary 
sweetness. 

Discord ANS.  That  is  just  the  case,  sir ;  for  another  of 
my  friends  says  of  the  above  people,  "  These  ways,  which 
their  parsons  teach  them,  are  enough  to  drive  a  man  out  of 
his  senses.  What  man  of  spirit  could  endure  restraint  from 
all  manner  of  pleasure  I  According  to  them,  one  must  not 
so  much  as  play  at  cards,  spend  a  cheerful  evening  at  the 
tavern,  nor  so  much  as  take  a  Sunday's  airing.  Play-houses, 
balls,  and  assemblies,  must  all  be  laid  aside.  And  pray  how 
is  our  time  to  be  spent?  Read  the  Bible,  truly,  the  most 
tiresome  of  books ;  pray  the  one  half  of  their  time,  and,  for 
aught  I  know,  hear  sermons  the  other  half  of  it.  What  per- 
son of  any  taste  could  bear  to  be  bound  to  the  observance 
of  such  measures'?  Let  them  read  the  Bible  who  will; 
give  me  a  good  play  or  novel.  I  will  have  none  of  their  re- 
ligion, not  I." 

Infidelis.  It  is  true,  plays  and  novels  are  light  reading, 
arid  well  suited  to  the  taste  of  people  abandoned  to  dissipa- 
tion. Nevertheless,  even  people  of  flishion  may,  if  they 
please,  reflect,  that  reading  the  scriptures,  praying,  and  hear- 


OF    DEVILS.  205 

ing  sermons,  are  subjects  unfit  for  their  ridicule ;  though, 
by  the  way,  1  do  all  I  can  to  promote  this  irreligion. 

Fastosus.  And  as  for  me,  I  hold  it  good  we  visit  our  re- 
spective divisions,  to  see  that  the  works  of  darkness  be  not 
neglected;  and  that  we  meet  here  at  the  usual  time. 


DIALOGUE  XV. 

ALL  THE  DIALOGEANS  PRESENT. 

PRi\nr  to  their  appointment,  I  watched  in  my  solitary  re- 
treat, impatient  for  the  return  of  the  black  fraternity,  whom 
I  always  found  extremely  punctual  among  themselves,  and 
observant  of  every  appointment,  unless  some  very  urgent 
business  demanded  their  presence  elsewhere.  At  the  hour 
appointed  they  arrived  at  the  place  of  rendezvous,  and  hav- 
ing seated  themselves  on  their  respective  thrones,  the  con- 
versation was  opened  by 

Fastosus.  I  have  been  thinking  of  the  stupidity  and  ig- 
norance of  mankind,  exhibited  in  our  last  interview,  and 
cannot  but  wonder,  however  dark  and  blind,  they  do  not  see 
that  the  very  people  whom  they  censure  as  enemies  to  ho- 
liness, because  they  oppose  salvation  by  works,  are  the  same 
identical  persons  who  are  said  to  be  melancholy  with  being 
righteous  overmuch.  Reason,  even  unassisted,  might  easily 
discover  the  palpable  absurdity,  and  for  the  fiiture  avoid  a 
contradiction  so  glaring.  I  would  have  my  slaves  consistent 
with  themselves,  seeing  I  have  given  them  the  name  of  ra- 
tionalists. But  error  will  always  be  inconsistent.  However, 
Discordans,  we  will  leave  the  blind  sons  of  infidelity  to  hug 
themselves  in  their  fancied  rationality,  and  attend  to  the  re- 
mainder of  your  story. 

Discordans.  My  sire,  I  am  all  obedience  to  him  who 
alone  could  give  me  being ;  and  to  resume  the  thread  of  my 
story,  would  observe.  That,  strange  as  it  may  seem,  I  do,  by 
the  help  of  these  amazing  glasses,  make  one  evangelical 
minister  quarrel  w4th  another,  and  that  merely  because  they 
do  not  understand  each  other's  manner  of  expression.  One 
man,  for  instance,  will  have  it  that  Immaxiuel  obtained  his 
S 


206  DIALOGUES 

personality  by  eternal  generation ;  another  will  have  it  to  be 
by  divine  filiation ;  and  another  still  is  content  to  believe 
him  to  be  the  only  begotten  of  the  Father,  without  attempt- 
ing to  explain  how,  or  in  what  sense  he  is  begotten  or  fili- 
ated. AH  of  those  three  are  firm  in  the  belief  of  Imman- 
uel's  sonship,  his  Deity,  and  mediatorial  capacity,  as  well  as 
every  doctrine  of  faith.  And  yet,  strange  as  it  may  seem, 
those  very  men  shall  be  so  prejudiced  against  one  another, 
that  they  cannot  comfortably  have  fellowship  together ;  but 
may  even  prove  injurious  to  each  other's  usefulness.  And 
it  may  perhaps  be  very  difficult  to  determine  which  of  the 
three  discovers  most  of  a  gospel  spirit.  Every  one  is  in  the 
right,  and  infallibly  assured  that  the  other  two  ought  to 
come  into  his  opinion. 

It  is  the  very  same  with  respect  to  diversity  of  gifi;s. 
One  is  led,  in  a  peculiar  manner,  into  the  doctrines  of  faith, 
well  able  to  state,  define  and  defend  them  against  opposi- 
tion. Another  is  widely  led  about  in  the  wilderness  of 
temptation  and  affliction,  by  which  he  obtains  peculiar  tal- 
ents in  comforting  the  distressed,  and  pouring  oil  into  the 
bleeding  wounds  of  broken  hearts.  And  a  third  is  kept  on 
the'mount  of  enjoyment :  his  heart  is  kept  warm  by  a  sense 
of  interest ;  by  which  enjoyment  he  is  active  and  lively  in 
the  work,  a  zealous  promoter  of  practical  godliness.  All  of 
which  gifts  seem  to  be  essentially  necessary  to  a  gospel 
minister,  and  are  all  by  the  same  spirit.  And  yet,  would 
you  think  it,  these  very  men  shall  treat  one  another  as  un- 
sound in  the  faith,  in  one  sense  or  other  ]  The  first  is  deem- 
ed a  dead,  dull,  and  useless  preacher,  whilst,  at  the  same 
time,  he  is  effectually  stopping  tlie  mouths  of  gainsayers. 
The  second,  it  is  feared,  loves  to  be  peculiar,  and  verges  a 
little  towards  Antinomianism,  notvv'ithstanding  many  a 
feeble  knee  is  strengthened  by  his  ministry.  And  the  third 
is  a  rambling  inconsistent  preacher,  notwithstanding,  by  his 
instrumentality,  many  are  brought  to  a  sense  of  their  sin 
and  danger. 

These  quarrels  are  of  great  use  to  our  government,  as 
they  fail  not  to  reproach  Christianity,  stumble  the  weak  be- 
liever, and  grieve  all  good  men.  But  this  is  not  all.  You 
know  that  two  men  may  have  the  self-same  sentiments  in 
religion,  and  yet  one  shall  choose  to  express  himself  in  this 
manner,  and  another  in  that,  which  difference  of  expression 


OF    DEVILS.  207 

only  may  be  attended  witli  very  serious  consequences,  if 
candor  is  not  present  on  the  occasion.  Tins  was  the  case 
with  Trebonius  and  Theodorus.  Theodorus  hoard  Trebonius 
preach,  on  a  particular  occasion,  found  himself  offended 
with  some  of  his  expressions,  and  tiicug-lit  it  his  duty  to 
make  tlie  preacher  acquahited  with  it  as  soon  as  possible. 
But  as  Trebonius  has  too  good  an  ophiion  of  his  own  attain- 
ments, easily  to  retract  a  saying,  he  vindicated  not  only  the 
doctrine,  but  the  mode  of  expression.  Theodorus  was  now 
more  than  ever  persuaded,  that  Trebonius  was  unsound  in 
the  faith,  and  was  not  satisfied  with  verbally  defending  the 
truths  of  the  gospel,  that  is,  his  own  sentiments,  but  com- 
menced a  paper  war  with  Trebonius.  His  apolo^-y  for  this 
step  was  indeed  artful,  for  he  lugged  in  both  Christ  and  re- 
ligion into  partnership  with  him,  and  under  their  authority, 
or  pretended  authority,  he  did  what  he  could  to  impeach 
the  orthodoxy,  and  mar  the  usefulness,  of  Trebonius. 

When  Trebonius  read  the  performance,  he  found  himself 
aggrieved,  and  something  within  him  being  deeply  Vv'ound- 
ed,  he  resolved  on  retaliation.  To  work  he  goes :  First  es- 
tablishes his  personal  orthodoxy,  which  he  also  called  the 
gospel  of  Christ;  then  vindicated  his  own  pi'oceedings, 
which,  by  an  happy  turn  of  thought,  he  also  linked  with 
the  honor  of  religion.  Though  the  truth  is,  neither  the 
gospel  of  Christ  nor  the  honor  of  religion  had  any  concern 
at  all  in  the  squabble.  However,  having  first  set  himself 
and  his  doctrine  in  a  respectable  point  of  view,  he  proceed- 
ed diligently  to  search  out  and  expose  every  blemish  in  the 
performance,  and  in  the  end  did  as  much  for  his  brother  as 
he  before  had  done  for  him.  Thus  those  two  champions  for 
the  gospel,  that  is  for  their  own  honor,  went  on  exposing  to 
the  public,  all  they  were  acquainted  with  of  each  other's 
weaknesses  and  folly ;  never  once  suspectmg  that  by  so  do- 
ing each  was  exposing  his  own  want  of  wisdom,  and  a  true 
Christian  spirit.  Meanwhile,  the  friends  of  both  were  ex- 
ceedingly concerned,  and  in  vain  studied  a  reconciliation 
between  them.  But  O  what  pleasure  did  it  afford  our  socie- 
ty! And  how  did  Ambitiosus  and  m.e,  and  other  jocular 
devils,  laugh  at  their  folly  and  childishness !  From  sources 
of  no  greater  importance  than  this,  I  assure  you,  most  of 
the  quarrels  amongst  professors  arise.  But  when  the  con- 
tention is  once  begun,  it  is  hard  to  say  where  it  will  end. 


208  DIALOGUES 

By  these  means  we  get  the  affections  of  Christians  divided 
one  from  another,  and  instead  of  being  mutual  helpers  of 
each  other,  as  the  Almighty  designed  them,  we  make  them 
mutual  hindrances  and  burthens ;  so  that,  though  we  can- 
not mdeed  destroy  them  as  we  would,  we  disturb  and  dis- 
tract to  an  amazing  degree. 

Fastosus.  My  son,  you  would  have  had,  comparatively, 
little  advantage  over  these  same  people  but  for  my  inven- 
tion of  school  divinity.  That  is  the  great  engine  of  the 
devil  Discordans.  But  for  school-divinity,  you  might  even 
have  retired  to  hell,  or  contented  yourself  with  doing  busi- 
ness among  the  laity,  or  in  the  unconverted  world ;  for  if 
the  professors  of  religion  were  content  with  what  is  writ- 
ten in  the  scripture,  and  chose,  as  much  as  possible,  to  ex- 
press themselves  in  Bible  language ;  there  would  be  such 
a  likeness  in  expression,  as  well  as  sentiment,  that  very 
probably  you  would  find  little  to  do  amongst  them. 

Infidelis.  I  doubt  it  not,  sir.  Notwithstanding,  I  must 
assure  you,  my  kingdom  has  suffered  greatly  by.controversy. 
For  nothing  has  a  more  direct  tendency  to  mform  the  mind 
than  well-managed  controversy.  But  when  it  springs  from 
blind  prejudice,  and  is  carried  on  in  a  party  spirit,  it  has  a 
wonderful  tendency  to  strengthen  my  interest ;  especially 
if  the  contending  parties  mutually  agree  to  expose  each 
other  as  much  as  possible,  as  in  the  late  squabble  between 
Parson  Home  and  Alderman  Wilkes ;  and  which  is,  for  the 
most  part,  the  practice  of  polemic  divines.  Those  two  im- 
portant gentlemen,  the  parson  and  patriot,  gave  as  much 
pleasure  to  the  court  party,  by  flinging  rogue  and  atheist  at 
each  other,  with  so  much  patriotic  zeal,  as  some  divines,  in 
their  polemic  writings,  have  given  the  devil,  by  throwing 
heretic,  Arminian,  Calvinist,  Antinomian,  &c.  in  each 
other's  faces.  Few  divines  can  dispute  without  calling 
names. 

Discordans.  I  have  before  now  stirred  up  a  spirit  of 
jealousy  between  a  minister  and  his  people,  and  between 
one  minister  and  another,  in  a  manner  inexpressibly  mas- 
terly. For  example,  about  a  century  ago,  the  accurate  Ca- 
millus  preached  an  excellent  sermon  at  Pothema,  which  was 
heard  by  several  of  the  people  to  whom  Junius  was  pastor ; 
and  they,  being  greatly  affected  with  the  seasonableness  ot^ 
the  subject,  and  the  practical  maimer  in  which  it  was  handled, 


OF    DEVILS.  209 

invited  Camillus  to  visit  them,  and  preach  in  Junius's  pulpit, 
not  doubting  but  it  would  be  altogether  agreeable  to  their 
beloved  pastor.  Full  of  the  sermon,  when  they  came  home, 
they  could  not  help  making  Junius  partaker  of  their  plea- 
sure. They  expatiated  largely  upon  the  excellency  of  his 
method,  the  fertility  of  his  illustration,  and  the  propriety  of 
his  application;  all  of  which  they -did  not  doubt  but  Junius 
would  admire  as  much  as  themselves, .  But  this  was  not 
precisely  the  case.  Junius  could  not  help  being  sensibly 
affected  with  what  he  had  heard ;  but  prudence  forbid  him 
to  deny  Camillus  his  pulpit. 

When  retired,  and  reflecting  on  what  had  passed,  he 
strongly  suspected  that  his  own  honor  was  injured,  by  his 
people's  high  encomiums  on  Camillus's  sermon.  "  My  peo- 
ple, said  he,  allege  they  never  heard  such  an  e.xcellent  ser- 
mon as  that  which  Camillus  preached.  It  is  something 
strange,  that  this  one  sermon  should  aflect  tliem  more  than 
all  my  seven  years'  preaching  among  them.  I  never  heard 
them  say  half  so  much  about  any  sermon  of  mine.  It  shows 
a  great  want  of  affection  and  respect  to  me,  as  their  own 
minister,  I  conceive ;  and  they  shall  hear  of  it  at  a  time 
convenient." 

Fastosus.  With  Junius's  leave,  I  think  he  discovers  a 
love  of  praise,  which  is  by  no  means  the  offspring  of  an 
humble  spirit  He  would  rather  be  flattered,  than  his  peo- 
ple should  be  silent  in  his  commendation.  But  the  judicious 
seldom  think  it  prudent  to  say  much  in  praise  of  any  person 
to  his  face,  how  w-ell  soever  they  may  be  affected  towards 
him ;  and  that  for  two  very  good  reason. — 1.  Such  com- 
mendation has  not  a  little  the  appearance  of  flattery,  how- 
ever sincere  it  may  be  in  the  party  who  bestows  it.  2.  There 
are  but  few  who  are  able  to  bear  much  commendation,  with- 
out sustaining  damage  by  it.  A  man  must  be  led  deeply 
into  an  acquaintance  with  his  own  nothingness  and  insuffi- 
ciency, before  he  can  bear  to  be  praised  and  caressed.* 

*  It  is  a  very  common  thin?,  in  gospel  churches,  that  if  they  have  a 
member  of  more  usefulness  than  others,  they  exalt  and  extol  him  above 
his  measure ;  so  that  he  becomes  elated  with  self  conceit,  and  in  the 
is»sue,  when  he  cannot  carry  every  point  his  own  way,  he  turns  against 
his  former  caressers,  and  becomes  a  scouree  of  the  community.  In  this 
the  righteous  judj»ment  of  God  is  manifest,  who  will  have  all  men  to 
appear  in  their  native  nothingness  and  emptiness,  unworthy  of  the  trust 
and  dependence  of  one  another. 

S2 


210  DIALOGUES 

Infidelis.  That  is  true,  brother ;  and  yet  people  may  err 
even  on  that  head,  and  be  cautious  overmuch ;  for  fear  of 
puffing  him  up  by  unseasonable  commendation,  may  depress 
the  spirits  of  their  minister,  by  withholding  from  him  that 
countenance  and  encouragement,  which  his  spirit  and  cir- 
cumstances require. 

People  are,  in  all  things,  given  to  extremes ;  and  either 
a  minister  is  caressed  and  almost  adored  as  an  unparalleled 
person,  or  he  has  little  or  no  notice  taken  of  him.  I  remem- 
ber a  remarkable  instance  of  this  in  the  last  century.  There 
was  an  independent  church,  who,  having  a  minister  of  a 
lively  address  and  sound  doctrine,  one  who  bid  fair  for  great 
usefulness  among  them ;  yet  a  lineal  descendant  of  the  great 
Diotrephes,  who  loved  to  have  the  pre-eminence ;  and  one 
who  chose  to  direct  them  m  all  the  concerns  of  life,  in  their 
families,  in  their  business,  as  well  as  in  the  church.  To  his 
government  they  yielded  themselves  implicitly,  and  almost 
adored  the  ground  upon  which  he  trode.  With  caresses  and 
favors  they  loaded  him,  until  they  had  raised  him  to  the  very 
height  of  self-sufficiency  and  importance  ;  from  which  they 
themselves  at  last  assisted  to  cast  him  down ;  and  the  con- 
tempt they  poured  upon  him,  pretty  nearly  equalled  their 
former  caresses.  After  him  they  had  another,  of  an  almost 
contrary  disposition.  He  had  but  a  very  mean  opinion  of 
his  own  abilities,  either  for  preaching  or  governing.  He  had 
such  constant  acquaintance  with  the  power  of  his  own  cor- 
ruptions, that  he  was  commonly  low  and  depressed  in  spirit. 
He  never  assumed  any  superiority  over  even  the  meanest 
member,  firmly  believing  himself  to  be  the  vilest  and  most 
unworthy  sinner  of  the  whole  community:  he  stood  in  need 
of  all  encouragement  possible,  in  order  to  hearten  him  for 
his  work.  Yet  the  same  people,  who  had  destroyed  the  for- 
mer with  unseasonable  kindness,  suffered  the  latter  to  drag 
on  heavily  all  his  days,  so  that  from  them  he  seldom  or  never 
heard  of  his  word  having  been  made  useful.  And  I  suppose 
he  must  have  sunk  under  his  discouragements,  if  strangers, 
who  afterwards  came  into  the  church,  had  not  been  more 
free  with  him  in  discovering  some  degree  of  affectionate  re- 
gard. Different  spirits  will  require  different  usage,  in  order 
to  preserve  their  usefulness:  what  was  death  to  the  former 
of  those  ministers,  would  have  been  life  and  vigor  to  the 
latter ;  and  what  so  exceedingly  weakened  the  hands  of  tlie 


OF    DEVILS.  211 

latter,  would  in  all  probability  have  been  the  preservation 
of  the  former.     Bui  we  foriret  Parson  Junius,  cousin. 

DiscoRDANS.  Sir,  Junius  would  have  his  own  humor; 
and,  accordingl}',  when  the  time  cam^^  that  Camillus  made 
his  visit,  any  person  attentive  to  Junius's  behavior,  might 
easily  find  that  his  friend's  room  would,  to  him,  have  been 
more  agreeable  than  his  company,  notwithstanding,  for  de- 
cency's sake,  he  forced  himself  to  carry  it  to  him  with  some 
degree  of  seeming  civility :  I  say  seeming,  for  even  Chris- 
tian people  have  not  as  yet  learned  to  be  exactly,  on  all  oc- 
casions, wiiat  they  seem.  But  Camillus  is  a  sagacious  man, 
and  soon  perceived  Junius's  coldness,  through  all  his  formal 
civility  and  seeming  deference.  He  began  to  question  with 
himself  from  whence  this  coldness  might  have  proceeded  1 
In  what  he  might  have  given  offence  I  But  never  dreams 
that  jealousy  is  at  the  bottom.  Is  he  not  otFended  with  my 
doctrine  ?  said  he  to  himself  What  can  be  the  meaning 
of  this  distant  carriage  of  his  ?  What  have  I  done  or  said 
that  might  give  him  umbrage  ?  So  Camillus  reasoned,  but 
hit  not  upon  the  real  cause.  And  as  Camillus  is  somewhat 
fond  of  his  own  sentiments,  though  a  man  inferior  to  few 
who  are  accounted  good  and  religious,  he  could  not  help 
being  in  doubt  about  the  orthodoxy  of  his  friend.  By  these 
means,  happily  invented  by  me,  this  well-designed  visit,  in- 
stead of  answering  the  valuable  ends  of  promoting  religious 
friendship,  rather  tended,  by  my  inten-ention,  fo  alienate 
their  affections  from  each  other, 

Junius  would  still  have  his  own  humor,  and  from  that  day 
forward  discovered  a  shyness  to  those  who  seemed  most  de- 
lighted with  Camillus:  and  when  occasion  offered,  he  did 
not  spare  bestowing  on  them,  what  is  called  a  dry  rub. 

This  w^as  not  all ;  for  Junius  could  not  leave  his  prejudice 
behind  him  when  he  went  to  the  pulpit,  where  he  adapted 
his  discourses  accordingly.  On  the  other  hand,  his  people 
could  easily  see  he  w^as  not  in  his  usual  spirit;  and  they 
concluded  that  they  had  given  him  no  just  cause  of  offence. 

Meanwhile,  both  parties  mutually  watched  each  other's 
words  and  deportment.  If  Junius  happened  to  speak  any 
thing  harsh,  either  from  the  pulpit  or  in  common  conversa- 
tion, it  was  said  to  proceed  from  a  bad  spirit.  On  the  other 
hand,  if  any  of  them  happened  to  object  to  any  thino"  spoken 
b^  him,  he  immediately  concluded,  either  that  his  people 


212  DIALOGUES 

were  prejudiced  against  him,  or  did  not  love  sound  doctrine ; 
for  he  had  not  a  doubt  of  the  soundness  and  truth  of  his  own 
doctrine.  And  so  they  went  on,  until,  in  the  issue,  there  was 
a  final  separation.  Behold,  gentlemen,  how  great  a  fire  a 
little  spark  of  my  nature  kindleth.  Every  well-wisher  to  the 
Beelzebubian  government  must  acknowledge,  that  the  devil 
Discordans  merits  much  applause. 

Fastosus.  I  speak  for  the  rest,  my  son,  and  own  that  your 
usefulness  is  of  great  extent.  I  persuade  m.yself  your  royal 
grandfather  will  well  reward  you,  by  giving  you  eternal 
duration  among  the  people  of  the  nether  regions ;  for  cer- 
tainly your  achievements  merit  the  greatest  esteem.  Why, 
my  son,  you  make  the  Nazarenes  weak  as  other  men. 

Discordans.  After  all,  I  assure  you,  at  certain  times,  I 
have  hard  work  of  it.  I  mean  when  Mr.  Submission,  ray 
avowed  enemy,  and  me,  happen  to  meet.  This  Submission 
is  one  of  Immanuel's  own  children,  a  very  great  peace-maker, 
therefore  his  business  is  directly  opposite  to  mine ;  and  al- 
though I  hate  him,  I  must  say,  he  is  one  of  the  meekest  per- 
sons upon  earth.  Never  is  he  known  to  quarrel  with  any 
person,  except  myself  And  I  confess,  that  in  every  scuffle 
with  him  hitherto,  I  have  had  the  worst  of  it ;  but  I  thank 
my  stars,  it  is  very  seldom  I  meet  with  him.  When  we  do 
meet,  meek  as  he  is,  I  am  quite  nonplussed,  and  am  obliged 
either  to  flee,  which  I  abhor,  or  to  fall  before  him,  which  is 
yet  a  greater  mortification  to  a  spirit  so  noble  as  I  am. 

Infidelis.  So  then,  cousin,  I  perceive  you  are  as  ill  put 
to  it  when  you  meet  with  Submission,  as  I  am  when  I  en- 
counter his  elder  brother  Fides.  Fides  is  a  warrior  with 
whom  I  have  maintained  a  very  long,  though  not  doubtful 
war ;  not  doubtful,  because  I  am  worsted  as  sure  as  ever  I 
enter  the  lists  with  him.  With  great  facility  I  can  overturn 
the  power  of  every  other  heavenly  chieftain ;  but  this  fellow, 
this  same  Fides,  is  Immanuel's  champion,  and  has  performed 
the  most  unparalleled  achievements ;  such  achievements  as 
never  were  performed  by  any  hero  besides  himself  He  hath 
subdued  kingdoms,  wrought  righteousness,  obtained  promises, 
stopped  the  mouths  of  lions,  quenched  the  violence  of  fire, 
escaped  the  edge  of  the  sword,  out  of  weakness  hath  made 
people  strong,  causing  even  the  fainting  to  wax  valiant  in 
fight,  turning  to  flight  tlie  armies  of  the  aliens.  He  hath 
given  to  women  their  dead  children  again,  sustained  others 


OF    DEVILS.  213 

under  the  most  cruel  tortures,  in  such  a  manner,  that  they 
would  not  accept  of  deliverance ;  gave  a  good  report  of  the 
promised  land,  to  those  ancient  worthies,  who  walked  about 
in  sheep  skins  and  goat  skins,  destitute,  afflicted,  and  tor- 
mented, of  whom,  notwithstanding  they  lodged  in  dens  and 
caves  of  tlie  earth,  the  world  itself  was  undeserving. 

These  are  a  specmien  of  his  achievements.  But  great  and 
heroic  as  he  is,  he  finds  that  I  also  am  of  noble  deeds ;  a 
spirit  not  easily  rendered  inactive,  and  more  difficult  still 
entirely  to  subdue.  Although  he  has  the  promise  of  the 
most  complete  victory  in  the  end,  I  put  him  to  exert  his  ut- 
most ;  for  when,  to  appearance,  I  am  dead  as  a  pebble,  and 
Fides  has  the  sole  pre-eminence  in  the  soul  of  man,  I  play 
Reynard  with  him,  and  feign  myself  dead,  in  order  to  escape 
the  vengeance  of  his  arm. 

In  time  he  finds  out  my  deceit ;  for  I  watch  the  opportu- 
nity when  he  is  in  the  very  height  of  a  paroxysm,  and  can 
scarcely  breathe.  He  is  exceedingly  troubled  wdth  fits, 
which  will  sometimes  hold  him  for  a  long  time  together,  and 
in  which  you  would  take  him  to  be  wholly  dead.  Then  I 
take  the  advantage,  and  rise  upon  him  with  all  my  powers, 
and  beat  and  bruise  him,  until  life  begins  to  return,  which  is 
not  always  of  a  sudden.  But  when  he  feels  the  weight  of 
my  arm,  and  the  smart  of  the  wounds  which  I  inflict  on  hhn, 
his  spirit  returns  with  renewed  vigor ;  he  unlocks  the  maga- 
zines of  grace,  and  brings  forth  such  implements  of  war  as 
I  am  not  able  to  stand  against ;  so  that  before  he  is  well 
out  of  his  fit  he  is  as  strong  as  ever.  At  other  tunes  he  is 
a  long  while  before  he  is  fi-eed  from  the  effects  of  his  fits ; 
weakness,  indisposition  and  languor,  hang  upon  him  for  many 
months ;  at  which  time  he  receives  no  mercy  at  the  hand  of 
Infidelis. 

This  fellow  is  of  the  most  amazing  constitution ;  for 
whereas,  on  one  hand,  idleness  never  fails  to  throw  him  into 
a  lethargy,  so  on  the  other,  hard  labor,  severe  conflicts,  and 
cruel  buffetings,  never  fail  to  make  him  strong  and  vigorous ; 
and  what  is  very  remarkable  in  itself,  but  very  unlucky  for 
me,  is  that  the  more  he  is  beaten  and  bruised,  the  stronger 
he  grows ;  and  these  fits,  in  which  you  would  take  him  to 
be  just  a-dying,  it  is  said,  only  tend  to  make  him  the  more 
robust  and  lively ;  which  is  the  reason  that,  although  I  fire^ 


214  DIALOGUES 

quently  put  him  to  great  pain,  I  am  always  discomfited  in 
the  issue. 

However,  gentle- friends,  you  must  allow,  when  circum- 
stances are  considered,  my  valor  will  at  least  equal,  if  not 
prove  superior  to,  that  of  Fides.  He  fights  under  a  certain 
assurance  of  victory,  and  knows,  of  a  truth,  that  in  the  end 
he  shall  be  more  than  conqueror ;  I  as  well  know  that  I 
shall  be  discomfited,  which  would  dishearten  any  besides  my- 
self Yet,  notwithstanding  the  discouragement,  I  give  him 
many  a  vigorous  turn  for  it  ere  I  desist,  and  foully  trip  up 
his  heels  oftener  than  thrice.  Even  when  I  have  him  down, 
sprawling  and  gasping  for  life,  I  am  conscious  he  will  afterward 
renew  his  strength,  and  give  me  a  most  severe  drubbing ;  and, 
tliat  his  victorious  hand  shall,  in  the  end,  put  a  period  to  the 
days  of  great  Infidelis.  Yet  this  noble  principle  of  royal 
malice  prompts  me  on,  and  I  will  not  yield  an  hair's  breadth 
whilst  life  endures.  O  the  fearful  combats  I  could  relate, 
which  I  have  had  with  this  heavenly  champion,  this  same 
Prides ! 

Fastosus.  We  shall  be  glad  to  hear  of  them,  my  brother, 
at  another  time ;  but  at  present,  if  agreeable,  I  should  like 
you  to  resume  the  story,  part  of  which  we  have  already  had, 
respecting  the  progress  of  your  kingdom. 

Infidelis.  You  have  already  heard  how  agreeable  to  his 
holiness  my  instructions  were,  as  also  of  the  laws  by  which 
the  whole  system  of  religion  was  inverted,  and  how  the 
pious  priest  had  invested  himself  with  the  perfections  of 
Deity.  I  knew  that  the  introduction  of  this  new^  Christianity 
might  be  attended  with  some  difficulty,  therefore  advised 
his  holiness,  the  father  of  the  world,  to  deify  some  others  as 
well  as  himself;  but,  at  the  same  time,  lest  his  supremacy- 
should  be  in  any  wise  infringed,  to  take  care  that  none  should 
be  deified  until  after  their  death,  and  that  only  with  an  in- 
ferior rank  of  godship.  He  took  my  advice,  canonized  a 
vast  number  under  the  title  of  saints,  and  ordained  masses 
to  be  said  to  them  out  of  his  own  newly  composed  Bible : 
for  the  old  Bible,  in  use  among  primitive  Christians,  having 
its  laws  so  contrary  to  those  of  the  pope,  was,  by  his  authori- 
ty, made  null  and  void ;  and  Rome,  once  the  mistress  of  the 
world,  became  the  mother  of  harlots ;  once  more  the  seat 
of  paganism.    But,  for  distinction's  sake,  we  call  the  latter 


OF   DETVILS.  215 

Christian-pagans;  because  they  exercise  all  their  villany 
under  the  specious  show  of  Christianity. 

In  order  to  support  the  Christian  pantheon  worship,  slaugh- 
ter-houses were  built,  and  called  holy  inquisitions ;  where 
every  one  who  was  known  to  deny  tlie  supremacy  and  infal- 
libility of  his  holiness  the  pope,  or  so  much  as  harbor  a  sus- 
picion concerning  the  papal  faith,  was  treated  with  as  little 
mercy  as  if  he  had  been  in  hell.  By  these  means,  people 
were  kept  in  the  most  dreadful  awe ;  so  that,  if  any  man 
happened  to  be  intelligent  enough  to  see  through  the  cheat, 
he  was  obliged  to  keep  his  mind  to  himself;  well  knowing, 
that  one  word  spoken  against  tlie  lucrative  faith  of  the  priests 
would  have  insured  his  certain  death,  by  means  the  most 
barbarous  and  cruel.  By  this  amazing  subtility  of  priestcraft, 
with  the  utmost  security  they  carried  on  their  villany,  under 
the  mask  of  sanctity,  for  many  centuries,  and  all  Europe 
trembled  at  the  indignation  of  the  priesthood.  For  by 
means  of  my  brother's  medals,  and  titles  of  ecclesiastical 
dignity,  together  with  my  blinding  influence,  the  various 
orders  of  reverend  fathers  clave  as  fast  to  his  holiness,  as 
scales  to  one  another  on  tlie  impenetrable  back  of  leviathan. 

Yet,  terrible  as  the  priesthood  were,  they  could  not  totally 
prevent  the  light  of  the  gospel  shining,  less  or  more,  in  some 
parts  of  Christendom,  especially  in  Britain ;  where  Wickliffe 
and  his  disciples  gave  their  reverences  no  small  uneasi- 
ness ;  for  which  they  poured  vengeance  upon  his  bones  forty 
years  after  his  demise.  This  same  scripture  light,  kindled 
in  England  by  Wickliffe's  ministry,  spread  itself  to  the  con- 
tinent, where  first  John  Huss  and  Jerome  of  Prague  galled 
the  sides  of  popish  prelates :  for  which  the  very  pious  coun- 
cil  of  Constance,  first  recommended  them  to  the  care  of  the 
devil  by  excommunication,  and  then,  in  the  name  of  the 
God  of  mercy,  condemned  them  to  be  burned  to  death  for 
believing  the  Bible.  It  is  amazing  to  think,  with  what  dex- 
terity they  have  lugged  in  the  name  of  the  Ahnighty,  to 
sanctify  their  murders  on  all  occasions. 

About  a  century  after  tliis,  a  very  strict  inquiry  after  truth 
began,  by  the  instrumentality  of  John  Calvin  and  Martin 
Luther,  two  avowed  enemies  to  popish  wickedness.  This 
revival  of  religion  was  very  alarming  to  the  priests  of  Rome, 
and  very  injurious  to  my  government.  His  infallible  holi- 
ness, instigated  by  the  devil  Crudelis,  voted  their  immediate 


216  DIALOGUES 

destruction,  by  fire  and  fagot,  by  poison,  assassination,  or 
any  way ;  for  there  is  nothing  dreaded  by  this  same  vicar 
of  Christ,  so  much  as  the  spreading  of  gospel  knowledge. 

These  measures,  however,  I  withstood ;  having  from  past 
experience  found,  that  coercive  measures  are  by  no  means 
the  most  likely  to  reduce  professors  of  religion  to  the  obe- 
dience of  infidelity ;  and  I  tliought  it  better  to  send  the 
devil  Discordans  to  visit  them,  with  instructions  to  make 
them  quarrel  about  the  forms  of  religion ;  this  I  took  to  be 
the  most  likely  method  to  invalidate  the  testimony  of  both, 
and  to  baffle  and  confound  their  followers.  This  was  done, 
and  they  jarred  exceedingly  about  circumstantials ;  but  do 
what  we  would,  they  spake  of  the  doctrines  which  are  ab- 
solutely necessary  to  salvation,  with  perfect  uniformity, 
which  greatly  fi-ustrated  our  dark  designs ;  and  this  fire  of 
reformation  so  lately  fanned,  by  degrees  spread  itself  on  the 
continent,  and  in  Great  Britain,  where  it  arose  in  the  days 
of  Wickliflfe. 

The  pope  and  me,  being  loth  to  give  up  the  government 
we  had  always  been  accustomed  to  have  in  these  nations, 
did  what  we  could  to  stifle  the  reformation :  but,  alas !  it 
went  on  with  rapidity  in  the  days  of  Edward,  and  might 
have  made  greater  advances  than  it  has  ever  yet  done,  if, 
luckily  for  his  holiness  and  me,  that  prince  had  not  been 
taken  away  in  early  life.  Mary,  being  a  princess  just  fitted 
to  our  turn,  no  sooner  ascended  the  throne,  than  I  flew  to 
England,  accompanied  by  the  devil  Crudelis,  resolving,  at 
all  events,  to  crush  with  oppression  all  who  rebelled  against 
me  and  his  holiness.  To  this  salutary  purpose,  were  trans- 
ported fi-om  the  pope's  arsenal  abundance  of  hempen  cord, 
and  fagots  beyond  number,  that  we  might  oblige  the  peo- 
ple to  renounce  Jesus  Christ,  and  worship  his  Romish  infal- 
libility. 

There  were,  in  those  days,  two  lusty  bishops,  right  rev- 
erend tyrants  in  the  devil,  Bonner  of  London,  and  Gardiner 
of  Winchester,  who,  hearing  of  our  arrival,  came,  equipped 
in  their  prelatic  robes,  to  do  us  greeting,  and  bid  us  wel- 
come to  the  British  shore.  This  brace  of  right  reverend 
prelates,  we  appointed  prime  inquisitors  in  matters  of  faith, 
and  principal  agents  of  our  intended  cruelty.  Indeed  none 
that  ever  sustained  the  oflfice  of  priest,  ever  were  more  trusty 


OF   DEVILS.  217 

friends  to  the  government  of  Rome  and  hell,  than  were 
those  worthy  prelates. 

The  vigilant  devil  Crudelis  ceased  not,  day  or  night,  from 
persecuting  the  saints,  so  that  many  of  the  ringleaders  of 
the  sect  of  the  Nazarenes  were  apprehended,  tried,  con- 
demned, and  tormented  to  death,  at  a  stake;  such  as  arch' 
bishop  Cranmer,  bisliops  Hooper,  Latimer,  Ridley,  &c.  But 
as  it  happened  in  former  persecutions,  so  it  fell  out  in  this, 
the  ashes  of  burned  saints  proved  such  fertilizing  manure 
to  the  church,  that,  in  defiance  both  of  hell  and  the  pope, 
the  detested  Nazarenes  became  by  far  more  numerous. 
Wherefore,  if  our  friend  Mary,  of  zealous  and  scarlet  mem- 
ory, had  not  been  summoned  hence  to  receive  her  reward, 
the  poor  devil  Crudelis  must  necessarily  have  desisted, 
merely  from  incessant  and  unsuccessful  fatigue,  and  the 
Nazarenes  would  have  obtained  rest  solely  from  our  despe- 
ration. 

But  when  Immanuel  beheld  such  havoc  made  of  his  church, 
and  so  many  places  bathed  with  sanctified  blood,  his  wrath 
took  the  alarm ;  in  his  judgment,  he  cut  down  the  zealous 
queen  and  her  two  trusty  bishops,  and  raised  queen  Betsy 
to  the  throne  of  England.  Now  the  sword  of  persecution 
was  wrested  from  the  hands  of  the  papists,  and  the  good 
people  of  the  church  of  England  did  for  the  Puritans  what 
the  zealous  papists  had  done  for  them,  during  the  reign  of 
queen  IMary.  This  same  queen  Elizabeth  was  a  great  zealot 
for  high  church,  and  a  vigorous  nurse  of  Episcopacy ;  but 
the  Broun ists,  and  other  dissenters,  felt  the  full  weight  of 
her  regal  vengeance.  I  happily  prevailed,  unexpectedly, 
v/ith  the  divines  of  the  established  church,  to  retain  the 
more  refined  part  of  the  popish  system ;  which  those  men 
who  were  for  a  more  thorough  reformation,  both  in  doctrine 
and  discipline,  could  not  comply  with ;  and,  for  their  non- 
compliance, we  taught  them  that  the  arm  of  Episcopacy  is 
every  whit  as  heavy  as  that  of  popery,  when  it  is  exerted 
for  the  good  of  the  church.  And,  for  my  own  part,  I  prompt- 
ed their  reverences  to  coercive  measures,  being  very  appre- 
hensive that  the  reformation  might  have  been  carried  on 
farther  than  it  really  was. 

AvARO.  And  I  assure  you,  I  myself  was  not  idle  in  those 
days,  but  played  my  game  into  the  hands  of  great  Infidelis. 
I  met  their  lordships  the  prelates,  (I  shall  never  forget  it) 
T 


218  DIALOGUES 

in  full  convocation,  and  reasoned  with  them  on  the  intended 
reformation,  and  unto  my  arguments  they  lent  a  willing 
and  attentive  ear.  "  Well,  gentlemen,"  said  I,  "  do  you  in- 
tend to  come  to  a  thorough  reformation,  then,  and  reduce 
Christianity  to  its  primitive  simplicity  ?  Have  you  consid- 
ered, gentlemen,  that  in  so  doing  you  must  lose  your  princely 
revenues,  and  descend  to  a  level  with  plain  Peter,  Paul,  and 
Barnabas,  which  must  needs  be  a  very  mortifying  step  to 
some  of  you  ]  Recollect,  I  pray  you,  how  long  your  present 
profits  and  dignities  have  been  enjoyed  by  your  predeces- 
sors in  your  several  sees.  Long  before  Christianity  was 
known  in  Britain,  even  beyond  the  ken  of  history,  this  na- 
tion was  divided  into  the  several  bishoprics  and  archbish- 
oprics by  you  enjoyed.  Through  all  the  ages  of  popery, 
the  same  division  of  the  nation  into  archtiaminries  and 
flaminries,  continued  under  their  present  denominations; 
and  v\'ill  you  discover  such  a  degree  of  mortification,  as  to 
give  up  the  profits  annexed  to  your  ecclesiastical  dignities  .' 
That  were  to  show,  indeed,  that  Protestant  bishops  have 
less  providence  than  Pagan  flamins.  Yet,  if  you  are  deter- 
mined to  purge  your  religion  from  every  relic  of  popery, 
your  profits,  gentlemen,  must  be  parted  with,  your  revenues 
must  be  enjoyed  no  more ;  and  how  will  this  "be  relished  by 
you  I"  By  such  sensible  and  seasonable  remonstrances,  1 
won  gTeatly  upon  the  minds  of  their  lordships ;  and,  in  the 
issue,  it  was  resolved,  that  rather  than  part  with  their  dig- 
nities and  revenues,  they  should  submit  to  many  things, 
which  have  no  foundation  in  scripture. 

Fastosus.  You  bring  to  my  mind,  cousin  Avaro,  the  re- 
ception I  met  with  by  the  dignitaries  of  the  ancient  church, 
on  the  distribution  of  the  forementioned  medals.  I  went, 
attired  in  my  robes  of  state,  to  deliver  one  of  my  arch-epis- 
copalian medals  to  a  certain  priest,  whom  I  instantly  cre- 
ated "  His  grace  and  most  reverend."  He  mumbled  over 
to  himself  several  times,  "  most  reverend,  his  grace,"  view- 
ing the  medal  with  the  closest  attention.  It  is,  it  is,  said 
he,  a  very  soft  and  agreeable  mode  of  address.  Most  rev- 
erend ;  his  grace.  Yes,  my  lord,  said  I,  it  is  very  musical, 
and  what  I  myself  only  am  capable  of  composing.  A  mode 
of  address  very  becoming  tlie  dignity  of  an  archbishop. 
Humble  preachers,  such  as  Peter,  Paul,  Timothy,  and  Titus, 
might  be  very  well  contented,  without  being  their  graces 


OF    DEVILS.  219 

and  uiost  reverend ;  for  they  were  not,  as  you  are,  courtiers, 
clothed  m  sotl  raiment.  Eut  for  a  spiritual  courtier,  for  the 
primate  of  a  province,  to  prostitute  his  name  to  vulgar 
mouths,  would  be  highly  unbecoming,  would  greatly  eclipse 
the  honors  of  your  elevated  station.  "  But,  worthy  sir,  re- 
turned he,  you  know  this  is  a  very  censorious  world  in  whicii 
we  live,  and  some  people  may  be  wicked  enough  to  sujv 
pose,  that  such  a  title  as,  his  grace,  does  not  so  well  become 
a  man  whose  breath  is  ui  his  nostrils,  and  I  may  be  censured 
as  ambitious."  I  hope,  my  lord,  replied  I,  you  will  not  medi- 
tate too  much  on  the  gloomy  subject  of  mortality,  or  that 
will  make  your  dignity  cumbersome,  indeed.  Honors  fade, 
sir,  on  the  prospect  of  the  grave.  As  to  your  being  cen- 
sured, as  proud  and  ambitious,  I  hold  the  contrary ;  it  will 
be  deemed  essential  to  your  high  estate,  and  the  use  of  the 
Bible  being  prohibited,  the  laity  will  not  know  but  your  or- 
der is  of  apostolical  institution.  Besides,  there  is  my  lord 
duke  enjoys  the  same  title  of  address  with  your  grace ;  so 
that,  instead  of  being  censured  as  proud  and  antichristian, 
all  ranks  of  people  will  revere  you  the  more  for  it ;  especi- 
ally, as  it  will  make  you  a  fit  companion  for  princes.  Tlie 
nobility  will  consider  you  as  their  superior,  inasmuch  as 
a  spiritual  duke  is  superior  to  a  temporal ;  so  that,  in  the 
church,  your  seat  will  be  next  to  the  cardinal's,  and  in  tlie 
senate  house,  next  to  the  prmce  himself.  The  gentry  will 
fawn  upon  you,  spaniel -like,  in  order  to  obtain  preferment 
for  younger  sons,  and  the  vulgar  will  adore  you  as  a  demi- 
god. 

I  w^ould  farther  advise  you,  to  lay  aside  preaching  to  the 
vulgar  race,  and  apply  yourself  wholly  to  the  affau-s  of 
state ;  unless  called  to  it,  may  be,  once  m  seven  years,  to 
preach  to  the  king  and  his  nobles.  "  Ay,  replied  the  wor- 
thy prelate,  but  how  shall  I  dispense  with  the  obligations  I 
am  under,  as  a  bishop,  to  meditate  on  these  things,  to  give 
myself  wholly  to  the  ministry  of  the  word  and  prayer ;  yea, 
to  be  instant  in  preachmg  the  word,  in  season  and  out  of 
season  ]"  Oh,  sir,  replied  I,  you  need  be  under  no  concern 
about  that.  "  Surely,  sir,  that  is  the  duty  of  a  bishop,"  repli- 
ed he.  Yes,  very  true,  said  I ;  the  duty  of  bishops  such  as 
were  in  the  apostles'  days ;  such  bishops  as  are  ap}X)inted  in 
the  New  Testament.  But  what  has  that  to  do  with  the  dio- 
cesan bishop,  or  an  archbishop,  of  whom  you  yourself  are 


220  DIALOGUES 

the  first.  There  were  none  of  them,  you  know,  in  the  apos- 
tles' days ;  none  appointed  in  the  word  of  God.  And  there- 
fore the  laws  which  bind  scriptural  bishops  to  obedience, 
can  have  no  manner  of  power  over  you,  as  diocesans ;  much 
less  can  a  metropolitan,  such  a  bishop  as  the  apostles  never 
thought  of,  be  under  any  such  injunctions.  Surely  your 
grace  must  know  that  a  lord  bishop,  or  a  gracious  metropo- 
litan, must  have  enough  to  do  without  preaching  the  gospel. 
Yet  if  these  things  are  not  sufficient  to  remove  the  scruples 
of  your  mind,  and  you  should  still  have  a  notion,  that 
preaching  is  a  duty  incumbent  on  you,  I  can  put  you  in  a 
way  to  satisfy  your  conscience,  without  abatmg  any  thing 
of  your  greatness. 

"Pray,  sir,  be  so  kind,"  said  he.  May  it  please  your 
grace,  replied  I,  it  is  neither  more  nor  less  than  to  preach 
by  proxy,  as  people  plead  their  causes  in  a  court  of  judica- 
ture. You  know  it  is  the  same  in  effect,  whether  you  preach 
in  person  or  by  proxy,  so  that  your  numerous  flock  have 
preaching  enough. 

Farther,  with  your  grace's  leave,  I  do  not  think  it  becom- 
ing your  dignity,  even  to  say  prayers  in  your  own  family. 
How  far  beneath  the  character  of  such  a  spiritual  dignita- 
ry, to  be  down  on  his  knees  amidst  his  servants,  worshipping 
his  maker !  Let  me  advise  you,  either  to  lay  aside  family 
worship  altogether,  or  have  it  performed  by  a  chaplain. 
This  will  have  two  very  great  advantages  attending  it.  1. 
It  will  save  your  grace  a  great  deal  of  hard  and  unpleasant 
labor.  And  2.  It  will  make  your  grace's  piety  to  be  admired 
by  the  vulgar.  Methinks  I  hear  one  say  to  another,  "  What 
a  good  man  is  my  lord,  the  archbishop !  For  although  he  is 
too  high  for  saying  prayers  himself,  or  has  got  so  much  that 
he  has  no  need  to  pray,  he  gives  a  good  salary  to  Mr.  Ho 
neylip,  duly  to  perform  the  offices  of  religion  in  his  stead." 

All  this  while,  the  good  archbishop  continued  absorbed  in 
tliought,  and,  awaking  as  from  a  trance,  he  said,  with  as- 
tonishment glowing  on  his  countenance,  "  Sir,  you  amaze 
me !  So  pertinent  your  counsel,  so  persuasive  your  address ! 
You  have  more  than  half  brought  me  over  to  your  opinion, 
as  my  future  conduct  will  testify." 

Having  succeeded,  even  beyond  expectation,  with  his 
grace  the  archbishop,  I  waited  immediately  on  all  the  dio- 


OF    DEVILS.  221 

cesans,  within  the  pontifical  jurisdiction,  and  took  the  most 
likely  measures  to  bring  them  over  to  our  interest. 

1.  I  persuaded  them,  as  I  had  done  the  archbishop  before 
them,  that  the  worldly  grandeur  with  which  I  and  his  holi- 
ness had  invested  them,  was  certainly  too  heavy  a  burthen 
for  them,  to  be  able  to  ascend  the  pulpit  stairs,  above  once 
or  twice  a  year ;  and  that  even  then  it  ought  not  to  be  to 
preach  to  an  ordinary  congregation. 

2.  That  they  might  discharge  their  duty,  to  the  souls 
within  their  respective  dioceses,  by  providing  vicars  to 
watch  over  them  in  their  stead,  in  their  several  parishes  or 
divisions,  that  they  might  freely  spend  their  time  either  at 
the  court  of  Rome,  or  at  the  courts  of  their  several  princes, 
without  sustaining  loss  at  home. 

DiscoRDANS.  Why,  sir,  according  to  your  account,  the 
readiest  way  to  stop  the  mouth  of  a  noisy  preacher,  is  to 
make  a  bishop  of  him. 

Infidelis.  The  only  way  in  the  world,  cousin.  Had  the 
king  of  England  given  a  bishopric  to  the  noisy  Whitfield, 
as  he  was  advised  to  do  by  a  certain  nobleman,  it  is  un- 
known what  mischief  might  have  been  prevented.  A  bish- 
opric would  have  done  him  more  real  injury,  than  if  all  the 
bishops  in  England  had  written  against  him.  You  remem- 
ber well  how  Dr.  D d  once  threatened  our  ruin,  and 

promised  fair  for  doing  a  mischief  to  our  government;  until 

our  happy  stars  fixed  him  in  a  prebend's  stall,  and  a  r 1 

chaplainship;  since  which  time  he  has  been  quiet  enough, 
and  lets  people  sleep  on  and  take  their  rest  securely. 

F.\ST0sus.  Having  secured  both  orders  of  popish  bishops, 
T  took  care  to  establish  deans,  abbots,  monks,  friars,  vicars, 
chanters,  prebendaries,  canons,  minor  canons,  &c.  &c. 
From  thence  I  proceeded  to  persuade  the  higher  orders  of 
clergy,  to  encourage  plurality  of  livings,  well  knowing  that 
if  a  country  vicar  could  but  procure  a  fat  and  fruitful  bene- 
fice, he  would  even  imitate  his  betters,  and  preach  as  little 
as  possible.  I  have  often,  with  great  pleasure,  observed, 
that  if  a  benefice  exceeded  two  hundred  pounds  per  annum, 
the  poor  vicar  who  enjoys  it,  finds  himself  very  unable  to 
preach,  and  is  therefore  obliged  to  hire  a  journeyman,  to 
whom  he  leaves  the  bulk  of  his  business.  By  these  means, 
we  got  curates  introduced  into  the  church ;  a  set  of  gentle- 
men sold  to  slavery  and  inured  to  povertv,  not  for  want  of 
T2 


222  DIALOGUES 

parts  and  learning,  nor  always  for  want  of  piety,  but  for 
want  of  what  is  by  far  more  necessary  to  preferment,  a 
patron.  A  journeyman  weaver,  watch-maker,  or  cabinet- 
maker, can  afford  a  better  table  than  many  a  gentleman, 
who  lacks  nothing  but  a  patron,  to  make  him  equal  to  the 
very  first  of  bishops. 

Happily,  it  just  answered  our  desire ;  and  it  was  not  long 
before  a  sharp  conflict  between  the  vicars  and  curates  en- 
sued. As  it  is  not  without  a  vein  of  drollery,  I  shall  give 
you  a  sketch  of  it.  There  was  a  certain  vicar,  who  having 
obtained  a  living  of  about  800Z.  a  year,  called  his  curate  to 
him  one  day,  and  thus  addressed  him :  "  Mr.  Curate,  I  am 
now  in  a  station  which  will  admit  but  of  little  preaching ;  I 
must  therefore  get  you  to  take  that  part  of  the  service 
principally  upon  yourself  I  am  under  a  necessity  of  visit- 
ing tlie  neighboring  gentlemen,  and  assisting  them  in  their 
polite  amusements,  as  has  been  the  custom  of  my  predeces- 
sors from  time  immemorial ;  so  that  little  of  my  time  can 
be  devoted  to  preaching  or  praying,  and  less  still  to  study 
and  contemplation."  Mr.  Curate  replied,  "  Indeed,  sir,  I  am 
but  a  poor  hireling,  whose  scanty  allowance  is  no  way  ade- 
quate to  labors  so  extensive.  I  am  resolved,  sir,  to  measure 
my  services  by  my  annual  salary."  The  vicar's  benefice  be- 
ing sufficient  to  raise  him  above  preaching,  and  the  curate's 
allowance  so  small  that  he  could  not  affofd  to  preach  much, 
it  so  fell  out  between  vicar  and  curate,  that  the  parishioners 
could  not  obtain  above  twenty  minutes'  preaching  weekly, 
in  return  for  their  tithes,  many  dues  and  ofi'erings.  This, 
you  know,  was  greatly  to  our  advantage. 

Another  instance  of  altercation,  between  the  vicar  and 
curate  I  well  remember,  which  also  was  decided  in  our  fa- 
vor. "  Hark  you,  Mr.  Curate,  said  a  certain  vicar  one  day 
to  his  journeyman,  I  expect  you  shall  take  the  care  of  all 
the  souls  within  my  parish,  upon  yourself;  as  I  have  much 
business  of  a  very  different  nature  on  my  hands."  "  I  take 
the  care  of  them,  sir,  replied  his  curateship ;  what  have  I 
to  do  with  them  1  I  shall  take  no  care  of  them,  I  assure 
you."  "  Well,  but  Mr.  Curate,  said  the  vicar,  I  hired  you 
on  purpose  that  you  should  take  the  care  of  them  off  from 
me."  "  Indeed,  sir,  rejoined  the  curate,  I  will  not,  I  am  re- 
solved; do  you  think  that,  for  the  scanty  allowance  of 
twelve  shillings  per  week,  I  will  put  my  own  soul  in  the 


OF    DEVILS.  223 

place  of  your  parishioners  ]  No,  sir,  let  him  take  the  care 
of  them,  who  is  best  paid  for  so  doing."  "  Then,  said  the 
vicar,  let  my  lord  bishop  take  care  of  them,  for  he  is  better 
paid  than  either  vicar  or  curate."  By  these  means  the  par- 
ishioners may  go  to  heaven  or  hell,  as  most  suits  their  incli- 
nation, provided  always  the  foes  are  punctually  paid. 

Impiator.  Well,  father,  I  really  think  those  curates  were 
in  the  right ;  for  as  they  receive  but  journeyman's  wages 
for  doing  the  drudgery  of  the  business,  it  is  unreasonable  to 
desire  any  more  than  journeyman's  labor  from  them.  If 
they  perform  the  most  servile  parts  of  the  office,  for  their 
scanty  allowance,  it  seems  but  meet  the  vicars,  who  receive 
the  far  greatest  part  of  the  profits,  should  take  the  burthen 
of  souls  upon  themselves.  If  I  am  not  greatly  mistaken,  the 
far  greater  part  of  mankind,  the  vicars  and  high-priests 
alone  excepted,  are  of  the  same  opinion  with  me  and  the 
curate.  However,  that  was  all  in  the  days  of  popery,  and 
the  church  of  England  hath  since  been  blessed  with  a  great 
reformation. 

Infidelis.  It  has  so,  Impiator,  and  been  deformed  again, 
almost  far  enough.  Some  time  after  the  reformation,  in- 
deed, the  gospel  was  preached  almost  everywhere  in  Eng- 
land, which  made  me  apprehend  the  most  dreadful  conse- 
quences, and  made  me  exert  my  utmost  influence,  in  order 
to  reduce  the  clergy  to  obedience. 

This  important  point  was  in  a  great  measure  carried,  by 
fixing  their  attention  inordinately  upon  tradition,  and  kind- 
ling relentings  in  the  bosom  of  many  a  gownsman,  towards 
the  old  scarlet  lady,  whose  government  had  been  rejected. 
So  that,  by  degrees,  I  drew  them  to  take  counsel,  as  for- 
merly, from  the  wise  Infidelis ;  one  particular  instance  of 
which  I  shall  give  you,  if  you  think  it  will  not  too  long  de- 
tain you  from  necessary  business. 

Fastosu.s.  That  is  well  thought  of,  brother.  Idleness  be- 
longs not  to  our  fraternity ;  I  hold  it  good,  therefore,  that 
we  adjourn  to  our  usual  time  of  meeting. 


224  DIALOGUES 


DIALOGUE  XVI. 

ALL  THE   DIAL06EANS   PRESENT. 

FastosL'S.  When  we  parted  yesterday,  you  mentioned 
some  particular  instance  of  the  clergy  seeking  to  you  for 
direction,  brother;  will  it  please  you  to  relate  it  to  us  now  ] 

Infidelis.  It  is  only  a  little  confabulation  I  had  with  my 
good  friend,  parson  Out-and-in.  The  case  was  this :  I  set 
out  one  morning  for  Rome,  to  remove  some  scruples  which 
infested  the  mind  of  his  holiness,  the  father  of  the  world ; 
but,  passing  by  parson  Out-and-in's  garden,  I  beheld  the 
reverend  gentleman  in  his  morning  gown  and  velvet  cap, 
walking  slow  and  pensive,  to  all  appearance  in  a  dejected 
manner.  Charity  bid  me  stop  and  relieve  the  thoughtful  di- 
vine. At  her  command  I  stopped,  and  called :  So  ho,  Mr. 
Out-and-in :  how  do  you  do  ]  the  good  gentleman,  awaking 
as  from  a  trance,  erected  his  body  into  a  perpendicular  pos- 
ture, pushed  up  the  snout  of  his  cap  from  over  his  eyes,  and 
finding  it  was  me  who  called,  instantly  replied,  "O  my 
good  friend,  Rationalis !  (for  that  is  the  name  by  which  I 
am  known  by  the  clergy,  of  all  denominations)  am  I  so  happy 
as  to  meet  with  you,  in  this  so  difficult  season  ?  I  pray  you, 
most  honorable  tutor,  be  pleased  to  stop  and  give  me  your 
advice." 

I  went  to  him,  and  thus  the  old  Levite  began :  "  Most 
truly  noble  and  intelligent  sir,  I,  and  my  brethren,  the 
genuine  children  of  learning  and  science,  have  long  been 
much  grieved  at  the  rapid  progress  of  fanaticism,  which  now 
prevails  amazingly  over  the  people.  So  prevalent  is  it,  sir, 
that  fanatical  preachers  are  more  followed,  more  esteemed, 
than  we,  the  votaries  of  almighty  reason.  In  these  days, 
sir,  there  are  some,  who,  in  a  frantic  manner,  decry  the  no- 
ble powers  of  the  human  soul,  which  we  esteem  to  be  almost 
divine ;  who  preach  salvation,  by  what  they  call  the  righte- 
ousness of  Christ,  contrary  to  the  instructions,  which  we  re- 
ceived from  that  illumination,  which  thou  hast  given  us. 
We  have  long  been  studying  how  to  suppress  this  fanaticism, 
and  to  promote  the  more  consistent  doctrine  of  salvation  by 
our  own  works,  and  the  liberty  and  freedom  of  our  own  will, 


OF   DEVILS.  225 

to  perform  perfect  righteousness.  It  is  intolerable,  sir,  to 
hear  men  of  virtue  and  piety,  placed  on  a  level  with  vile 
publicans  and  sinners,  who  know  not  tlie  law,  and  are  there- 
fore accursed.  Impious  in  the  highest  degree,  to  suppose 
that  the  benevolent  Deity  will  not  reward  our  good  endeavors 
to  please  him,  by  working  out  our  own  salvation,  without 
trusting  in  the  righteousness  of  another." 

To  be  sure,  said  I,  to  gentlemen  of  virtue  and  goodness, 
it  must  be  mortifying  to  submit  to  be  levelled  with  those  who 
work  not,  but  believe  in  him  who  justifieth  the  ungodly. 
Very  trying,  indeed,  to  one's  own  self  to  be  an  hell-deserv- 
ing sinner,  when  your  own  reason  bears  witness,  that  you 
deserve  the  inestimable  blessings  of  everlasting  happiness, 
for  your  own  personal  goodness.  What  man  of  virtue  and 
moral  goodness,  what  gentleman  of  a  clear  head  and  good 
heart,  like  yourself,  can  bear  to  be  told,  that  harlots  and 
publicans  shall  enter  the  kingdom  of  heaven  sooner  than 
you  1  I  wonder  not,  my  worthy  sir,  that  the  preaching  of 
salvation  by  the  works  of  another,  should  be  a  stone  of  per- 
petual stumbling,  and  a  rock  of  invincible  offence  to  you- 
And  this  offence  will  never  be  removed,  until  we  can  so 
manage  it,  that  this  same  book,  called  scripture,  is  made  to 
truckle  to  the  more  consistent  dictates  of  human  reason ;  by 
which  alone  the  authenticity  of  doctrine  ought  to  be  at- 
tested, independently  of  any  records  whatever,  either  an- 
cient or  modern. 

I  myself  have  beheld  the  preaching  of  the  cross  of  Christ, 
with  a  great  deal  of  uneasiness.  But  for  seeing  the  self- 
righteous  Jews  break  their  bones  by  stumblmg  upon  it,  and 
the  wise  philosophic  Grecians  turning  merry-andrews,  and 
laughing  at  it  as  foolishness,  I  should  certainly  have  sunk 
into  despair ;  because  I  was  unhappy  enough  to  see  it  prove 
both  the  power  of  God  and  the  wisdom  of  God,  to  those  who 
felt  themselves  actually  in  a  perishing  condition.  But  my 
good  Mr.  Out-and-in,  permit  me  to  tell  you,  that  whatever 
pain  I  endure  on  account  of  a  preached  gospel,  I  can  do  no- 
thing that  will  effectually  prevent  it,  without  the  concur- 
rence of  the  clergy.  By  the  way,  let  me  not  so  much  as 
hint  any  defection  of  the  clergy.  No,  sir,  I  thank  my  aus- 
picious stars,  by  far  the  greatest  part  of  them  are  upon  the 
right  side  of  the  question.  There  are  but  few,  very  few, 
who  preach  those  enthusiastic  doctrines,  with  which  the  ar- 


226  DIALOGUES 

tides,  homilies,  and  rubric  are  stuffed ;  very  fev/  who  coiv 
cern  themselves  about  what  is,  or  what  is  not  the  doctrine 
of  the  Bible. 

But,  to  the  matter  of  your  troubles,  sir,  I  apprehend  they 
may  be  reduced  to  these  two  heads  only ;  to  suppress  the 
growth  of  fanaticism  on  the  one  hand,  and  secure  to  your- 
selves the  patrimony  of  the  church  on  the  other.  "  Tliese 
are  all,  returned  he.  If  we  can  but  accomplish  these,  we 
desire  no  more."  Then,  sir,  if  no  more  is  aimed  at,  I  shall 
put  you  in  a  way,  by  which  you  may  accomplish  them. 

Observe  me  then,  my  good  friend  Mr.  Out-and-in,  the 
first  thing  to  be  done,  is,  to  draw  as  thick  a  veil  as  possible 
over  the  personal  excellencies,  grace,  and  righteousness  of 
Immanuel ;  for  these,  wherever  they  are  preached,  have  a 
tendency  to  eclipse  all  human  glory,  and  greatly  to  diminish 
the  profits  of  the  altar ;  which,  you  know,  are  the  principal 
things  that  ought  to  be  advanced.  The  holy  trade  of  priest- 
craft can  never  prosper,  but  in  proportion  to  your  departure 
from  the  doctrine  of  the  cross.  Yet,  this  must  be  done  with 
caution,  lest  the  eyes  of  the  people  should  be  opened,  and 
the  propagation  of  your  rational  religion  be  prevented.  The 
important  question  then  is,  "  How  you  may  retain  the  cliar- 
acter  and  authority  of  Christ's  ambassadors,  whilst,  at  the 
same  time,  you  are  laboring  to  extirpate  the  doctrine  of  sal- 
vation by  his  blood,  from  the  rational  world  ]"  as  you  cannot 
expect  to  be  so  much  regarded  by  the  people,  if  ever  you 
lose  your  claim  to  ambassadorship.  Of  this,  therefore,  you 
must  be  very  cautious,  and  by  no  means  declare  yourselves 
avowed  enemies  to  the  gospel,  in  so  many  express  words. 

No,  sir,  you  must  find  out  the  most  glorious  names  which 
possibly  can  be  ascribed  to  the  Son  of  God ;  yet  such  names 
as  do  not  imply  his  personal  divinity ;  these  would  spoil  your 
scheme,  and  therefore  must  be  rejected.  For  instance,  you 
must  not  call  him  Immanuel,  the  mighty  God,  the  everlast- 
ing Father,  God  manifest  in  the  flesh,  Jesus  Christ  yester- 
day, to-day  and  for  ever  the  same ;  Alpha  and  Omega,  &c. 
&c.  These,  and  such  like  names,  must  absolutely  be  laid 
aside,  for  they  make  directly  agamst  the  rational  scheme. 
On  the  other  hand,  you  must  be  equally  careful  not  to  speak 
slightly  of  his  person,  name,  and  authority,  by  barefacedly 
calling  him,  but  a  man,  like  yourselves,  as  Dr.  Priestley  has 
precipitately  done ;  and  by  so  doing  betrayed  the  cause  of 


OF    DEVILS.  227 

rational  religion  into  tlie  liands  of  the  orthodox,  to  be  man- 
gled and  tortured  after  the  manner  of  that  wicked  Shaver. 
In  sliort,  you  must  consider,  that  the  people  are  not  all  ra- 
tional alike ;  and  therefore  a  downright  denial  of  the  God- 
head of  Christ,  may  be  attended  with  very  serious  conse- 
quences. Some  people  are  firmly  attached  to  the  Athana- 
sian  creed,  merely  out  of  deference  to  the  judgment  of  their 
ancestors,  and  others  are  as  firmly  attached  to  the  scriptures, 
from  an  inward  conviction  of  their  divine  propriety ;  so  that, 
without  the  greatest  care,  you  may  be  baffled  in  your  very 
first  attempts  to  promulgate  your  rational  religion. 

In  short,  sir,  notwithstanding  you  believe  him  to  be  out  a 
man  like  yourself,  or  at  most  but  a  dignified  creature,  you 
must  of  necessity,  for  fear  of  the  populace,  give  him  a  kind 
of  suffragan  Deity  or  deputed  Godhead  like  that  of  Mars  or 
Mercury,  in  the  pagan  theology.  Your  friend,  Mr.  Whis- 
ton,  a  man  of  deep  intelligence,  has  shown  you  what  may 
be  done  in  this  way ;  do  you,  my  good  Mr.  Out-and-in,  imi- 
tate the  same  Homer-like  minister.*  You  must  never  omit 
when  you  speak  of  him,  to  use  great  and  swelling  words 
of  seeming  respect,  as  if  you  had  the  most  profound  venera- 
tion for  lii^s  person ;  call  him  the  only  son  of  the  most  high 
God ;  the  first-born,  and  most  exalted  of  creatures ;  a  being 
far  above  men  and  angels ;  under  God,  the  great  dispenser 
of  all  things,  both  in  earth  and  heaven.  Not  a  syllable  of 
liis  measuring  the  seas  in  the  hollow  of  his  hand ;  of  his 
meting  out  heaven  with  a  span  ;  of  his  comprehending  the 
dust  of  the  earth  in  a  measure  ;  weighing  the  mountains  m 
scales,  and  the  hills  in  a  balance ;  or  of  his  taking  up  the 
isles  as  a  very  little  thing.  That  is  a  description  of  Jesus, 
most  adverse  to  what  you  wouM  have  thought  to  be  rational 
religion,  which  considers  him  as  no  more  than  a  man,  like 
yourselves.  It  is  good,  therefore,  that  such  descriptions 
should  never  be  quoted.  By  keeping  close  to  those  appel- 
lations, which  are  proper  to  him,  only  as  man  and  mediator, 
you  will  veil  his  real  persona^  dignity  ;  and,  in  time,  your 
audience  will  quite  forget  all  their  old  orthodox  notions, 
concerning  the  proper  Deity  of  the  Lord  Jesus  Christ, 

*  Homer-like  minister.  Homer  was  a  wonderful  creator  of  gods  and 
goddesses,  and  so  was  Mr.  U'^histon,  from  his  own  account  of  the  Trinity, 
which  he  makes  to  consist  of  one  uncreated,  and  two  created  Gods. 


228  DIALOGUES 

which  at  present  are  so  very  offensive  to  you  and  your 
brethren. 

When  you  happen  to  hear  of  any  man,  who  is  a  zealous 
and  diligent  preacher  of  Christ  crucified,  as  the  only  founda- 
tion of  the  sinner's  hope,  you  must  look  to  it  that  something 
be  speedily  done,  to  prevent  his  success :  for  such  a  man 
is  capable  of  being  very  injurious  to  us,  and  our  rational 
religion.  His  followers  will  consider  you  as  no  better  than 
hirelings,  mercenary  priests,  and  enemies  to  the  gospel  of 
salvation.  Therefore  you  must,  but  always  with  the  great- 
est art,  attack  his  character.  Stigmatize  him  with  such 
names  of  reproach  as  you  think  will  be  most  likely  to  take 
with  the  vulgar.  However,  you  must  beware  of  touching 
his  moral  character,  for  that  will  be  like  the  body  of 
Achilles,  invulnerable  even  to  malice  itself  His  religious 
character,  because  less  imderstood  by  the  common  people, 
will  be  more  easily  injured  ;  and  is,  therefore,  the  most 
proper  object  of  your  attacks. 

You  may  call  him  an  enthusiast,  which  is  a  name  under- 
stood by  very  few ;  therefore  the  greatest  part  of  the  peo- 
ple will  consider  him  as  some  outlandish  monster,  and 
avoid  him,  as  they  would  shun  the  path  of  a  crocodile.  Or 
you  may  call  him  a  methodist ;  this  also  is  a  name  well 
calculated  to  excite  popular  abhorrence,  as  you  know  many 
would  rather  choose  to  be  papists  than  methodists.  Or  you 
may  call  him  an  anabaptist,  or  fanatic.  In  short,  you  may 
dress  him  in  what  names  you  think  will  most  effectually 
stir  up  the  people  to  bait  him,  as  they  would  do  a  bull  or 
a  bear  from  the  forest ;  and  so  far  as  your  influence  goes, 
you  may  totally  prevent  liis  usefulness ;  which,  you  know, 
will  be  a  great  service  done  to  the  devil,  and  to  rational 
religion. 

But,  my  good  Mr.  Out-and-in,  take  care  that  you  be 
not  too  barefaced  in  your  slanders,  as  Doctor  Priestley  ha& 
been  in  his  against  the  orthodox  dissenters.  His  zeal  foi 
rational  religion  is  so  furions,  that  it  prompted  him  to  rend 
the  disguise,  which  ought  by  all  means  to  have  concealed 
his  implacable  hatred  of  the  orthodox.  This,  however,  he 
has  thought  proper  to  discover  in  such  a  manner,  that  his 
word,  in  a  way  of  slander,  will  now  scarcely  be  taken  by 
anybody,  so  that  even  the  rationals  themselves  are  ashamed 
of  his  raslmess.    But  you,  my  friend,  may  avail  yourself  of 


OF    DEVILS.  229 

his  miscarriage,  and  avoid  tlie  rock  upon  which  he  founder- 
ed under  full  sail,  by  considering  that,  amongst  the  laity 
tiiere  are  always  to  be  found  a  discerning  few,  whose  pene- 
tration may  be  too  keen  for  a  flimsy  disguise.  Now,  should 
your  malice  be  detected,  your  very  reproaches  would  bring 
him  proselytes,  as  in  the  case  of  Dr.  Trapp,  of  crabbed  mem- 
ory, and  the  late  Mr.  Whitfield.  Therefore,  let  all  your 
reproaches  seem  to  flow  rather  from  pity  than  malice.  Do 
not  fail  to  commend  something  of  the  good  that  is  in  him  : 
this  will  be  an  excellent  cloak,  from  under  which  you  may 
with  the  greater  freedom  shoot  your  arrows  of  calumny. 
For  example,  when  his  name  is  mentioned  in  company,  you 
may  say,  "  He  is  a  good  sort  of  man,  I  believe ;  but  I  am 
sorry  for  him.  Poor  man,  he  hath  imbibed  sad  enthusiastic 
principles.  The  poor,  weak,  well-meaning  man,  would  do 
good  if  he  could,  I  believe,  but  is  sadly  led  away  by  metho- 
distical  notions."  Sir,  there  are  a  thousand  ways  of  vending 
scandal,  with  seeming  pity,  which  some  people  are  perfect 
masters  of:  but  your  divines  are  too  warm,  and  therefore 
their  arrows  fall  to  the  gi'ound  before  they  inflict  any 
wound  at  all. 

I  have  known  an  important  minister,  ere  now,  ruin  the 
reputation  of  his  neighbor,  with  less  than  ten  words  speak- 
ing and  those  too  seemingly  spoken  in  much  pity.  O,  Sir, 
there  requires  great  art  in  scandalizing  to  purpose.  No- 
thing gives  such  a  point  to  the  arrow  of  scandal,  as  seeming 
concern  for  the  welfare  of  the  party  whom  you  want  to  ruin. 
I  could  recommend  you  to  certain  gentlemen,  in  great  esti- 
mation for  religion  and  virtue,  as  the  most  accomplished  in 
tliis  necessary  art,  did  not  I  know  that  you  disdain  to  leam 
from  any  inferior  to  myself 

If  you  would  invalidate  the  doctrine  of  imputed  right- 
eousness, you  must  begin  just  here,  and  proceed  in  the  fol- 
lowing manner.  That  it  is  a  doctrine  which  must  be 
brought  into  contempt,  as  you  would  wish  to  preserve  the 
honor  of  the  creature,  is  clear  to  a  demonstration ;  seeing, 
whenever  a  man  is  brought  cordially  to  embrace  it,  his 
looks,  however  lofty  before,  are  brought  down,  and  he  lies 
at  the  feet  of  Jesus,  as  a  perishing  and  lost  sinner  ;  which, 
you  know,  is  inconsistent  with  the  dignity  of  a  philosopher, 
or  a  rational  Christian. 

You  must,  my  worthy  Mr.  Out-and-in,  you  must  mdeed, 


230  DIALOGUES 

declare  that  man,  having  received  no  damage  at  all  by  the 
fall  of  Adam,  and  coming  into  the  world  in  perfect  inno 
nence,  is  capable  of  having  a  righteousness  of  his  own, 
which  will  justify  him  before  an  infinitely  holy  God.  "  Ay, 
but  Mr.  Rationalis,  said  he,  how  shall  I  manage  in  this,  see- 
ing there  are  so  many  plain  passages  of  scripture,  which 
contradict  me  ]"  Do,  my  good  friend !  You  must  not 
mind  that,  if  you  intend  to  be  a  rational  preacher.  You 
must  show  yourself  a  man,  and  leap  over  them,  as  many 
have  done  before  you.  Imitate  the  zealous  Dr.  Priestley, 
and  like  him  tell  your  hearers,  that  the  scriptures  do  not 
mean  what  they  say.*  What  man  of  reason  would  regard 
a  few  adverse  texts  of  scripture,  when  the  dignity  of  human 
nature  is  the  subject  in  question  ? 

For  your  encouragement,  permit  me  to  assure  you,  that 
however  adverse  the  scriptures  may  be  to  your  rational 
doctrine,  the  populace  will  be  very  propitious. 

You  can  never  please  men  so  well  as  by  clapping  them 
on  the  shoulders,  telling  them  that  their  hearts  are  good, 
that  they  need  not  doubt  of  getting  safe  to  heaven,  whether 
they  believe  in  the  Son  of  God  or  not.  And  I  engage,  sir, 
your  auditory  will  caress  you,  for  the  sake  of  your  pleasing 
doctrine. 

As  to  the  Holy  Ghost,  I  would  not  have  you  absolutely 
refrain  from  mentioning  him,  and  his  assisting  influence, 
because  your  people  read  of  him  in  your  church  liturgy  so 
very  often.  But  be  sure  roundly  to  assert,  that  it  is  mere 
enthusiasm  for  a  man  to  expect  to  receive  the  Holy  Ghost, 
in  these  days ;  and  let  them  solve  the  difficulty,  how  the 
thoughts  of  a  man's  heart  can  be  cleansed  by  the  inspiration 
of  the  Holy  Ghost,  whom  they  cannot  receive,  as  they  shall 
find  opportunity.  It  seems  I  proved  as  a  kind  of  remem- 
brancer here,  for  he  stopped  me  short  and  said :    "  Let  me 

see 1  think   I  should   remember  something  about  the 

Holy  Ghost  somewhere Hum — If  I  mistake  not,  it  was 

relatmg  to  the  office  of  ordination." 

Yes,  sir,  said  I,  it  was ;  you  only  professed  to  my  lord 
bishop,  that  you  were  moved  by  the  Holy  Ghost,  to  take 
upon  you  the  office  of  a  deacon.  That  was  all,  sir.  He 
replied :    "  I  believe  it  was  some  such  thing.     But  pray, 

*  Familiar  illustration  of  certain  texts,  Sec. 


OF    DEVILS.  231 

sir,  was  it  rational  in  mo  so  to  do,  seeing  I  did  not  then  be- 
lieve that  any  man  receives  the  moving  influences  of  the 
Holy  Ghost  in  these  times  V  Surely,  said  I,  it  was.  You 
know,  sir,  no  man  can  get  a  benefice  without  it  in  your 
way  :  and  1  pray  you,  wlio  would  not  do  as  much  as  that 
for  a  good  living  ]  Why  should  you  have  any  scruple  of 
conscience,  seeing  you  have  got  some  hundreds  a  year  by 
it  ?  I  know  many,  very  many,  who  did  the  same,  sir,  who 
can  hardly  procure  thirty  pounds  per  annum.  On  my 
word,  you  sold  your  conscience  well.  But  for  those  sons  of 
science,  tiiey  foolishly  threw  theirs  away,  without  the  pros- 
pect of  any  comfortable  return.  I  assure  you,  a  journeyman 
weaver  can  afford  a  better  table  than  many  a  clergyman  of 
the  rank  of  curate. 

Once  more  ;  as  the  works  of  the  Savior  of  mankind  must 
not  be  wholly  omitted ;  should  you  be  asked.  What  Jesus 
did  for  his  people  ?  you  must  answer,  as  it  were,  in  a  rap- 
ture :  "  O !  he  hath  done  great  things  for  us.  He  descended 
from  the  heavenly  glories,  and  assumed  our  nature.  He 
hath  abrogated  the  severity  of  the  old,  and  introduced  a  new 
and  milder  law ;  lived  agreeably  to  the  precepts  of  it  him- 
self, and  when  his  instructions  were  finished,  he  confirmed 
us  in  his  ways,  and  sealed  the  truth  of  his  doctrine  with  his 
o^^^l  precious  blood."  Thus,  my  friend,  you  may  by  good 
management,  if  grace  prevent  not,  deceive  the  very  elect. 
Tears  of  thankfulness  trickled  down  the  old  gentleman's 
beard ;  he  gave  me  most  hearty  thanks,  and  protested,  that 
no  instructions  eould  be  more  agreeable  to  the  dictates  of 
his  own  reason. 

Fastosus.  I  can  tell  you,  brother,  your  advice  was  not  in 
vain,  but  has  been  invariably  followed,  so  that  this  rational 
religion  is  now  very  little  injurious  to  our  interest. 

Infidelis.  It  is  very  moderate,  sir,  and  may  well  be  tol- 
erated even  by  our  governors  themselves.  It  has  not  the 
least  affinity  with  the  doctrine  of  the  cross ;  which  is  justly 
the  abhorrence  of  every  partisan  of  ours,  as  will  appear 
from  the  creed  which  I  composed,  and  put  into  the  hands 
of  my  friend  Mr.  Out-and-in ;  which,  if  agreeable,  I  shall 
recite. 

Discord ANS.  I  pray  you,  sir,  let  us  have  the  creed.  It  may 
afford  matter  of  entertainment  to  have  the  creed  of  the  ene- 
mies of  all  creeds  and  confessione. 


232  DIALOGUES 

Infidelis.  Not  enemies  to  all  creeds,  cousin ;  only  to  those 
creeds  which  they  deem  orthodox ;  those  which  debase  the 
sinner,  exalt  the  Savior,  and  thwart  the  views  of  human 
arrogance.  But  they  are  very  fond  of  such  creeds  as  tickle 
proud  nature,  eclipse  the  sovereignty  of  grace,  and  debase  the 
Savior  as  insufficient  of  himself  to  save  to  the  uttermost 
those  who  come  to  God  by  him :  as  you  will  see  in  the  fol- 
lowuig. 

"  I  believe  in  the  great  God,  tlie  Father  and  fountain  of 
Deity,  as  an  absolute  and  supreme  being,  eternal,  immortal, 
invisible,  omnipresent,  all-powerful,  the  Creator,  Supporter, 
and  Governor  of  all  worlds.  I  believe  in  another  God,  who 
is  not  eternal  in  his  existence ;  not  omnipresent  in  his  es- 
sence ;  not  omnipotent,  but  entirely  dependent  on  the  great 
God  for  his  very  existence ;  not  supreme  over  all,  as  Paul 
the  fanatic  thought ;  but  subject  in  all  things  to  him  that 
made  him ;  not  immortal,  but  actually  died  about  seventeen 
hundred  years  agone,  for  purposes  afterwards  to  be  mention- 
ed. I  farther  believe,  concerning  this  second  God,  that  he 
was  created,  as  the  famous  Whiston  says,  by  the  great  God, 
in  an  ineffable  manner,  before  the  foundation  of  the  world, 
far  above  all  angels,  and  appointed  to  be  the  minister  of  the 
wrath  and  mercy  of  the  Creator.  I  believe  in  a  third  God, 
called  the  Holy  Ghost,  created  by  the  second  God,  or  suffra- 
gan of  the  Supreme  Deity,  and  that,  therefore,  he  may  prop- 
erly be  called  the  grandson  of  the  great  God." 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  said  Mr.  Out-and-in,  interrupting  me ; 
it  would  be  more  rational  still,  to  ascribe  no  Deity  whatever 
to  the  Son  of  God." 

O  sir,  replied  I,  we  shall  fit  you  in  that,  in  the  most  agree- 
able manner;  then  to  the  article  of- faith  in  the  great  God, 
add,  "  I  believe  in  Jesus  Christ,  as  a  mere  man  like  ourselves, 
yet  pious  and  holy.  A  man  sent  of  God,  as  a  great  teacher, 
whose  business  in  life  was  to  introduce  a  new  mild  law, 
commonly  called  the  gospel ;  because  God  had  altered  his 
mind,  respecting  the  salvation  of  mankind,  since  his  giving 
of  the  old  law,  which  upon  examination  and  long  experi- 
ence, was  found  to  be  too  strict  and  severe,  consequently 
unjust,  and  fit  for  abolition.  Wherefore,  he  raised  up  this 
same  Jesus  Christ,  a  man  like  ourselves,  and  sent  him  to 
correct  the  errors,  which  infinite  wisdom  had  fallen  into,  in 
giving  what  we  call  the  moral  law.  I  believe,  that  when  he 


OF    DE\1LS,  233 

obtained  a  perfect  correct  copy,  he  taught  it  to  mankind,  and 
called  it  the  new  law,  or  the  gospel.  I  believe  that  this  good 
man  did  actually  make  such  corrections,  alterations,  and 
amendments  in  the  moral  law,  as  he  saw  meet,  notwithstand- 
ing he  positively  declared,  that,  *'  although  heaven  and  earth 
should  both  pass  away,  not  one  jot  or  tittle  of  the  old  law 
should  foil,"  that  is,  be  superseded  by  any  other  law  what- 
ever. I  believe  that  Jesus  Christ,  this  good  man  like  our- 
selves, having  rendered  the  old  law  a  perfect  system,  and 
having  taught  it  in  its  purified  state,  died  to  confirm  the 
truth  of  his  doctrine,  just  as  'Cranmer  and  other  good  men 
have  done  since  then.  I  believe  farther,  that  he  continued 
under  the  power  of  deatli  for  three  days,  and  then  was  raised 
fi'om  the  dead,  to  show  tliat  he  was  no  impostor,  but  was  ac- 
tually commissioned  to  amend  the  old  law,  which,  prior  to 
his  correction,  was  neither  holy,  just,  nor  good,  as  the  mista- 
ken apostle  thought  it  to  be.  Farther  still,  I  believe  that, 
in  his  exalted  state,  he  is,  as  good  Dr.  Priestley  observes,  only 
a  man  like  ourselves,  notwithstanding  the  orthodox  igno- 
rantly  worship  him  as  Immanuel,  God,  with  them;  God 
manifest  in  the  flesh;  the  true  God  and  eternal  life;  the 
Alpha  and  Omega ;  the  first  and  the  last,  and  I  teiow  not 
what  enthusiastic  titles,  such  as  that  book,  called  the  Bible, 
ascribes  to  Jesus  of  Nazareth. 

"  Concerning  the  original  state  of  man,  I  believe,  that 
Adam  did  not  bep-et  his  children  in  the  likeness  which  he 
himself  bore,  at  the  time  of  their  being  begotten,  but  in  the 
likeness  which  he  bore  before  he  had  sinned ;  that,  although 
the  fountain  became  polluted,  the  streams  continue  pure  and 
limpid ;  and,  although  the  root  was  depraved  by  transgres- 
sion, the  branches  and  fruit  are  holy  and  innocent.  So  that 
there  is  no  such  thing  as  original  sin  in  any  sense ;  nor  have 
the  posterity  of  Adam  any  share  in  the  guilt  of  his  trans- 
gressions. And.  \A  hereas  the  death  of  infants  is  frequently 
alleged,  by  fanatics,  and  orthodox  Christians,  as  a  proof  of 
original  sin ;  I  do  most  rationally  believe,  concerning  those 
that  die  in  infancy,  that  either  God,  in  an  arbitrary  unjust 
manner  murders  them  without  cause ;  or  their  death  is  oc- 
■casioned  by  some  sin  of  their  own,  committed  either  whilst 
they  were  in  the  womb,  or  before  they  had  being ;  for  no  man 
can  die  for  the  sins  of  another,  says  your  oracle,  and  yet  it 
is  clear  that  infants  do  die. 

U2 


234  DIALOGUES 

"  Moreover,  I  believe  that  every  man  is  possessed  of  power, 
to  justify  himself  by  the  deeds  of  the  law,  and  to  procure 
salvation  by  his  own  willing  and  running,  contrary  to  the 
opinion  of  Paul,  and  the  rest  of  the  orthodox ;  that  salvation 
is  obtained  by  works  of  righteousness  of  our  own  perform- 
ing, and  not  by  the  obedience  and  death  of  any  other  person ; 
that  the  glory  of  our  salvation  shall  redound  to  the  absolute 
mercy  of  God,  and  our  own  good  endeavors  to  obtain  it ;  and 
not  unto  Christ,  whom  the  orthodox  enthusiastically  say,  has 
loved  them,  and  washed  them  in  his  blood,  by  which  he  has 
redeemed  them  to  God,  out  of  every  nation,  kindred,  people, 
tongue,  and  language." 

This  creed  being  cordially  received  by  my  votaries,  I 
laughed  in  my  sleeve,  and  said,  A  fig  for  you  all,  my  enemies ; 
Goodwin,  Charnock,  Owen  and  Crisp,  &c.  where  are  you 
now  ?  A  fig  for  all  your  snarlings  at  my  principles !  Lift 
up  your  heads  from  the  dusty  pillows,  and  listen,  whilst  your 
own  descendants,  ye  Puritans,  with  all  the  force  of  eloquence, 
plead  the  cause  of  great  Infidelis. 

Impiator.  Honored  father,  I  admire  your  subtility,  and 
almost  adore  your  craftiness.  Who  would  have  thought, 
when  we  heard  of  the  old  Puritans  raving  against  unbelief 
and  profaneness,  that,  in  such  a  short  time,  their  descendants 
would  have  forsaken  the  principles  of  their  progenitors.  But 
I  give  you  joy,  my  sire,  your  operations  have  lacked  no  ad- 
^•aatageous  success. 

Infidelis.  You  are  very  obliging,  my  son !  But  I  perceive 
you  are  not  aware  of  all  the  glory  of  this  conquest.  Perhaps 
my  friends  would  think  it  strange,  if  I  should  tell  them,  that 
by  this  device,  I  have  again  introduced  into  Britain,  as  gross 
idolatry  as  ever  was  preached  by  the  ancient  druids,  as  ever 
was  known  at  Rome  or  Athens ;  and  that  British  divines 
have  arrived  at  an  higher  degree  of  heathenism  than  ever 
was  known  in  the  celebrated  pantheon. 

Impiator.  Nay,  then,  my  bewildering  parent,  out  with  it, 
and  explain  yourself  What,  idolatry  again  in  Britain !  Hap- 
py stars ! 

Infidelis.  Hold,  son.  Restrain  yourself,  I  say.  Do  not  you 
remember  the  charge  I  gave  you,  Impiator,  when  I  sent  forth 
ray  several  worthies  to  sound  my  sleep-giving  trumpet. 

Impiator.  I  can  remember  nothing  at  present,  so  great  is 


OF    DEVILS.  235 

my  joy  !  O  idolatry  !  How  glad  am  I  that  tlie  Britons  have 
again  embraced  thee ! 

Lnfidelis.  This,  son,  was  my  charge,  and  I  desire  you  will 
remember  it.  Take  care,  said  I,  Impiator,  take  care  what 
you  do.  It  is  a  matter  of  great  importance  to  our  infernal 
interest,  to  which  a  blunder  of  yours  might,  on  this  occasion, 
be  very  injurious.  These  men  are  gone  forth  upon  my  busi- 
ness ;  with  a  commission  from  me,  your  father,  to  counteract 
a  preached  gospel,  and  as  much  as  may  to  sap  its  foundation 
doctrines.  Now,  my  son,  in  order  to  be  useful  to  me,  it  is 
hio^hly  necessary  they  should  bear  the  appearance  of  the 
strictest  sanctity,  and  be  not  any  wise  defective  in  tithing, 
anise,  mint,  and  cunmiin,  or  how  can  they  impose  the  cheat 
upon  mankind  with  success  ?  Whereas,  the  appearance  of 
devotion  and  sanctity,  will  give  energy  to  their  arguments, 
and  greatly  recommend  their  doctrine  ;  there  is  no  beating 
it  out  of  the  heads,  even  of  the  most  ignorant,  that  there  is 
such  a  thing  as  devotion  and  sanctity,  inseparably  connected 
with  religion. 

Now,  my  son,  thou  art  but  a  purblmd  devil,  and  at  best 
precipitate;  therefore  thou  mayest  overturn  my  well-con- 
certed scheme.  I  charge  thee,  therefore,  Impiator,  as  thou 
wishest  well  to  our  mal-administration,  that  thou  shalt  re- 
frain from  tempting  these  men  into  any  of  thine  openly  no- 
torious ways,  and  to  leave  them  entirely  to  my  govern- 
ment ;  for  they  cannot  miscarry  whilst  I  have  the  pleasure 
of  reigning  in  their  hearts. 

Fastosus.  a  very  necessary  caution,  and  it  ought  to  be 
regarded. 

Impiator.  I  remember  it  very  well,  and  have  hitherto 
acted  accordingly ;  notwithstanding,  I  would  rather  allure 
every  person  to  take  up  his  dwelling  in  some  part  of  my 
dominions.  But,  sir,  I  never  knew  that  your  rational  divines 
were  properly  idolaters. 

IxFiDELis.  Do  you  consider,  then.  They  tell  their  hear- 
ers, that  Immanuel  is  no  more  than  a  dignified  creature, 
who  has  no  personal  claim  to  the  essential  properties  of 
true  and  absolute  divinity,  notwithstanding  many  of  them 
pay  divine  honors  to  his  name.  Now,  my  son,  the  worship 
of  a  creature,  how  dignified  soever,  is  by  all  allowed  to  be 
mere  idolatry. 

Fastosus.    They  deny  the  charge  of  idolatry,  brother, 


236  DIALOGUES 

by  allegmg-,  that  they  offer  to  Immanuel,  only  an  inferior 
worship,  suited  to  the  inferiority  of  his  person  as  a  created 
being. 

Infidelis.  The  very  thing  in  which  their  idolatry  con- 
sists, and  is  on  a  level  with  the  ancient  pagans.  It  was  an 
inferior  kind  of  adoration,  which  the  ancients  paid  to  their 
heroes  and  common  deities,  in  comparison  of  that  which 
they  offered  to  Jupiter  their  great  god,  the  supposed  king 
and  father  of  all  the  rest.  Mars  and  Mercury,  for  instance, 
were  never  considered  as  supreme,  but  as  acting  under  the 
direction  and  delegation  of  Jupiter;  as  such,  and  such  only, 
they  were  adored  and  worshipped;  so  that  to  distinguish 
between  the  worship  of  the  father,  as  supreme,  and  that  of 
his  son,  as  inferior  and  subordinate,  instead  of  exculpating 
them  from  the  charge  of  idolatry,  doth  actually  entbrce  it. 

Fastosus.  But,  to  clear  themselves  from  the  charge  of 
idolatry,  they  allege  farther,  sir,  the  command  of  God  him- 
self, for  their  worshipping  the  Son,  notwithstandmg  his  in- 
feriority. The  great  God,  say  they,  hath  given  command, 
that  all  the  angels  of  God  should  worship  him,  and  that  all 
men  should  honor  him ;  shall  then  our  obedience  draw  upon 
us  the  reproach  of  idolatry  1 

Infidelis.  So  they  say.  But  if  they  knew  the  scriptures, 
only  half  as  well  as  you  and  me,  who  have  labored  all  our 
days  to  cloud  their  evidence,  they  would  see  that  these 
commands,  instead  of  exculpating  them  from,  do  actually 
bring  home  the  charge  of  idolatry  upon  them.  God  hath 
expressly  commanded,  that,  "  Mankind  shall  have  no  other 
gods  before  him,"  as  objects  of  religious  adoration,  either 
by  office  or  otherwise.  And  he  would  hardly  have  himself 
introduced  another,  of  a  different  nature,  and  commanded 
all  men  to  worship  him ;  seeing,  in  this  case,  one  command 
would  have  clashed  with  the  other.  This  would  have  been 
the  spring  of  wild  confusion,  and  everlasting  uncertainty ; 
for  the  two  commands  being  diametrically  opposite,  no  man 
could  ever  have  known  which  of  the  two  might  be  obeyed 
with  safety. 

Would  we  but  suffer  them  to  reflect  upon  the  divine 
commands,  they  must  unavoidably  see  that  their  worship- 
ping of  the  Son  of  God,  as  merely  delegated,  with  an  infe- 
rior kind  of  worship,  is  absolute  idolatry.  When  the  first 
begotten  was  brought  into  the  world  it  was  said,  "  Let  all 


OF    DEVILS.  237 

the  angels  of  God  worship  him,"  which  they  accordingly 
did  at  his  birth.  When  he  revealed  himself  to  Israel,  the 
Father  gave  command,  that,  "All  men  should  honor  the 
Son,  even  as  they  honored  the  Father."  That  is,  with  the 
self-same  honor,  as  is  paid  to  the  Father,  on  the  foundation 
of  his  being  one  (in  essence)  with  the  Father.  Whereas, 
had  the  Father  ordained  divine  honors  to  be  paid  to  any  be- 
ing of  a  different  essence  from  liimself,  he  would  not  only 
have  overturned  the  first  commandment,  "  Thou  shalt  have 
no  other  gods  before  me,"  but  have  given  his  glory  to  an- 
other, contrary  to  his  own  express  declaration,  I  would  not, 
tlierefore,  have  those  sons  of  superior  reason  think  it  at  all 
strange,  if  at  last  they  find  themselves  ranked  with  idol- 
aters. 

Impiator.  But,  father,  if  I  mistake  not,  you  said,  that, 
with  them,  paganism  is  brought  to  as  great  perfection  as 
ever  it  arrived  at  in  the  Roman  pantheon.  How  is  that,  sir, 
seeing  they  are  rational  Christians "? 

Infidelis.  Yes,  my  son,  they  call  themselves  rational 
Christians,  because  they  believe  and  teach,  "That  the 
world  by  wisdom  may  know  the  Almighty,"  and  adorn  their 
harangues  with  words,  which  men's  wisdom  teacheth ;  but 
they  are  pagans,  notwithstandmg,  as  will  appear,  when  you 
consider,  that  they  worship  more  Gods  than  one.  Arians 
and  Socinians  both  agree  to  worship  one,  whom  they  say  is 
truly  and  essentially  God,  and  the  king  and  father  of  the 
other  Deities.  Besides  this  object  of  supreme  adoration, 
they  have  other  two,  the  Son  and  the  Holy  Ghost,  whom 
they  honor  with  inferior  adoration,  just  as  the  ancients  did 
the  common  Deities.  I  suppose,  gentlemen,  you  will  allow 
that  the  worship  of  two  or  three  objects  of  different  ranks,  is 
as  real  paganism,  as  the  worship  of  so  many  hundreds :  but  I 
choose  to  distinguish  the  moderns  from  others,  by  the  name 
of  Christian  pagans,  because  they  allow  Jesus  Christ  to  be 
one  of  their  secondary  Deities.  I  am  greatly  obliged  to  you, 
my  brother  Fastosus,  for  your  assistance,  so  kindly  given, 
to  enable  me  to  accomplish  my  purposes ;  without  it,  I  could 
not  have  brought  my  affairs  to  their  present  happy  situa- 
tion. 

Fastosus.  No,  brother,  you  could  not ;  but  you  are  at  all 
times  welcome  to  my  assistance,  in  counteracting  the  sim- 
plicity of  gospel  truth.  I  myself  should  greatly  sufl^er,  were 


238  DIALOGUES 

the  Arians  and  Socinians  to  discover  what  part  we  have  in 
their  rational  religion ;  and  I  am  not  without  my  fears,  that 
the  capacity  of  the  preachers  for  making  proselytes,  the 
dwindling  away  of  their  congregations,  and  the  contempt 
in  which  they  are  in  general  held,  will  in  time  convmce 
tliem,  "  That  the  world  by  wisdom  knew  not  God,"  and  so 
brmg  them  to  change  their  present  system  of  rational  reli- 
gion for  that  of  the  cross  of  Jesus,  which  is  truly  rational, 
and  ennobles  every  reasoning  power  of  the  human  soul. 

Impiator.  Ah,  my  sire  !  What  a  subtle  spirit  you  are ! 
With  what  laudable  craftiness  must  you  have  acted,  to  suc- 
ceed in  introducing  pagan  idolatry  amongst  modern  divines, 
even  amongst  Protestant  dissenters.  I  have  long  known 
that  the  papists  are  pagans  in  disguise,  but  had  no  thought 
of  rational  Christians  being  so  far  in  alliance  with  us. 

DiscoRDANS.  Pagans  in  disguise,  cousin !  What  do  you 
mean?  There  is  no  mystery  at  all  in  your  father's  doc- 
trines ;  nor  is  there  much  difference  between  the  ancient 
pagans,  and  modern  papists.  The  principal  difference  is 
this:  The  popish  Juno,  whom  they  call  the  mother  of 
God,  is  far  greater  in  power,  and  more  exalted  m  glory, 
than  the  wife  of  Jupiter,  the  pagan  Deity.  The  pagan 
Juno  acted  in  all  things  subordinate  to  the  will  of  her  hus- 
band, the  king  and  father  of  the  gods,  who  bore  absolute 
sway  over  the  heavenly  synod :  but  the  popish  Jupiter  acts 
in  subordination  to  the  will  of  his  virgin  mother.  He  rules 
the  creation,  indeed ;  but  then  he  is  still  subject  to  maternal 
direction ;  so  that  it  is  not  God,  the  savior  of  smners,  but 
the  virgin  Mary  the  popish  Juno,  who  possesses  absolute 
sovereignty;  and  what  good  they  expect  at  the  hand  of 
God,  is  expected  as  to  be  done  in  obedience  to  his  virgin 
mother. 

In  all  other  things,  there  is  little  or  no  disparity  between 
the  ancient  and  modern  pantheon  worship.  The  pagans 
worshipped  angels,  whom  they  called  Gods;  the  papists 
worship  them  also,  knowing  them  to  be  creatures.  The 
first  had  their  heroes  and  heroines,  whom  they  adored  un- 
der the  name  of  demi-gods ;  the  latter,  also,  have  their  he- 
roes and  heroines,  whom  they  worship  under  the  name  of 
saints.  The  ancients  had  their  ambiguous  oracles  and  lying 
wonders,  and  the  moderns  have  both,  i^  far  greater  abun 


OF   DEVILS.  239 

dance ;  so  that  he  must  be  blind  indeed,  who  does  not  see 
amongst  them  undisguised  paganism. 

Impiator.  Then  it  must  follow,  that  the  papists  are 
greater  friends  to  my  father  Infidelis,  than  the  Arians  and 
Socinians;  because  these  bear  something  of  the  appearance 
of  truth ;  but  those  have  cast  off  both  truth  and  its  appear- 
ance. 

Infidelis.  That  is  your  wisdom,  again,  my  son.  Impiator 
would  make  but  a  blundering  minister  of  state  in  my  court, 
gentlemen.  But,  my  son,  you  may  know,  it  is  with  us  a 
maxim  of  pohcy,  that,  "  Whoever  comes  nearest  tlie  truth, 
and  is,  notwithstanduig,  destitute  of  it,  is  always  capable 
of  doing  the  most  essential  service  to  my  interest."  Popish 
paganism  is  by  far  too  k.refaced  to  succeed  in  England, 
where  its  absurdities  have  been  so  long  detected.  English 
Protestants  will  not  worship  a  god  of  the  baker's  making, 
whilst  their  women  retain  the  art  of  making  good  plumb- 
pudding,  which  will  at  any  time  be  preferred  to  the  sacra- 
mental wafer.  But  Arian  and  Socinian  paganism  is  so  sub- 
tilly  mvented,  and  so  well  reined,  that  it  passeth  with 
many  for  rational  Christianity. 

Impiator.  I  find,  sir,  you  are  under  necessity,  as  w^ell  as 
myself,  to  act  wisely,  with  craft  and  cunning,  finding  that 
the  same  device  will  not,  with  all  people,  at  all  times  suc- 
ceed alike.  We  may  sometimes,  to  some  people,  appear  in 
our  own  infernal  likeness ;  and  at  others  we  are  fain  to  put 
on  a  deep  disguise,  in  order  to  accomplish  our  designs.  But 
no  matter  how,  so  that  we  have  them  safe  at  last.  How- 
ever, gentlemen,  there  being  such  a  prospect  of  plenty,  I 
begin  to  fear  there  will  scarcely  be  room  left  in  hell  for  us 
devils. 

Infidelis.  Another  stroke  of  m.y  son's  wit.  It  is  well, 
Impiator,  that  your  business  is  to  tyrannize  only  over  the 
thoughtless  part  of  the  human  race,  or  you  would  be  of 
little  service  to  our  fraternity.  But  h.:ive  you  never  heard, 
that  Tophet  is  wide  and  large,  without  either  brim  or  bot- 
tom ]  There  is  no  fear  of  wanting  room.  Besides,  wherever 
the  fiends  may  happen  to  be,  they  are  always  at  home,  bemg 
sure  to  carry  tlieir  hell  along  with  them. 

Fastosus.  I  have  somewhere  seen  a  map  of  that  part  of 
your  dominions,  brother,  where  the  idolaters  dwell ;  if  you 


240  DIALOGUES 

have  got  one  about  you,  I  should  be  glad  to  have  a  descrip- 
tion of  it. 

Infidelis.  I  have,  sir,  and  am  glad  it  is  in  my  power  to 
gratify  my  much-honored  brother.  You  see,  sir,  it  is  di- 
vided mto  two  grand  provinces,  each  inhabited  by  different 
sects  of  idol  worshippers.  That  province  on  the  left  con- 
tarns  the  various  sects  of  civil  idolaters,  and  this  on  the  right 
contains  the  many  denominations  of  their  elder  brethren, 
the  religious  idolaters.  And,  I  assure  you,  they  are  two 
bodies  of  people  very  respectable. 

The  province  which  contains  the  civil  idolaters,  is  di- 
vided into  several  counties,  all  of  which  are  very  populous. 
In  the  first  county  live  the  worshippers  of  vain  pleasure, 
and  this  county  is  divided  into  several  regalities,  in  which 
the  several  sects  or  denominations  of  idolaters  dwell,  ac- 
cording to  the  diversity  of  their  inclinations.  The  first  re- 
gality is  appointed  to  the  worshippers  of  living  creatures. 
This  swarms  with  jockeys,  and  gamblers  of  the  turf,  both 
of  noble  and  ignoble  extraction.  Along  with  them  live  the 
worshippers  of  foxes,  hares,  and  hounds,  a  very  jolly  race,  I 
assure  you,  well  skilled  in  the  literature  of  the  kennel.  But 
it  is  better  to  be  a  slave  in  a  Turkish  galley,  than  held  as  a 
divinity  in  this  regality ;  for  adoration  never  fails  to  procure 
torture  to  the  idol,  as  the  panting  of  the  hare,  and  the  well- 
plowed  sides  of  the  horse,  sufficiently  demonstrate.  A 
little  nook  of  this  regality  is,  by  royal  mandate,  made  over 
to  sterile  wives  and  maiden  ladies,  who,  for  want  of  more 
agreeable  objects  of  adoration,  worship  monkeys,  parrots, 
and  lap-dogs.  The  second  regality  is  the  habitation  of  those 
who  worship  the  dramatic  poets,  and  their  apes,  tlie  players. 
At  the  shrines  of  those  idols,  the  worshippers  sacrifice  health 
and  virtue,  under  pretence  of  learning  wisdom.  They  are 
a  very  fashionable  and  honored  people,  with  whom  legisla- 
tors and  guardians  of  public  virtue  are  not  ashamed  to  as- 
sociate. Here  you  may  find  legislators  patriotically  sacri- 
ficing their  own  virtue,  in  order  to  protect  that  of  their  na- 
tion; their  own  estates,  in  order  to  assist  in  public  economy; 
and  faithlessly  wasting  their  own  time,  in  order  to  teach  in- 
dustry to  the  inferior  ranks  of  subjects. 

In  the  second  county,  you  will  find  all  the  worshippers 
of  false  honor ;  a  set  of  gentry  extremely  divided  in  their 
sentiments,  relative  to  the  object  of  their  adoration.     One 


OF    DEVILS.  241 

holy  father  falls  down  prostrate,  like  Cardinal  Wolsey,  be- 
fore the  triple  crown  and  pontifical  dig-nity.  A  second  is 
equally  devout  at  the  shrme  of  a  cardinal's  hat.  And  a  third, 
less  aspiring,  pays  his  devotions  to  a  bishop's  mitre  or  pre- 
latic  robes,  and  the  highest  of  his  present  ambition  is  a  bish- 
opric. Other  reverend  gentlemen  offer  a  more  humble 
worship  to  a  deanery,  prebend,  or  vicarage. 

It  is  very  observable,  that  in  this  county  people  never 
worship  that  to  which  they  have  already  attained ;  but  hav- 
ing compassed  their  purpose,  burn  incense  to  the  idol  next 
in  rank,  and  thus  the  worshipper  goes  on,  if  death  and  dis- 
appointment do  not  prevent  him,  until  he  has  worshipped 
every  shrine  in  the  pantheon. 

For  instance,  whilst  a  curate,  a  vicarage  is  the  idol ;  the 
vicarage  obtained,  it  gives  place  to  a  prebend  or  deanery ; 
which  once  enjoyed,  they  also,  in  their  turn,  give  place  to 
a  bishopric ;  that  to  an  archbishopric,  which  is  the  principal 
idol  of  the  English.  But  in  other  countries,  there  are  idols 
of  a  superior  rank,  so  that  the  moment  an  archbishopric  is 
obtained,  incense  smokes  to  a  cardinal's  hat ;  which  also  ob- 
tained, loGes  it  worshipper,  who  is  now  converted  to  the  wor- 
ship of  the  triple  crown,  the  great  god  and  father  of  all  the 
other  idols. 

Nor  are  the  laity  less  devout  than  their  reverend  breth- 
ren ;  for  one  man  worships  universal  empire,  like  Louis  of 
France,  and  some  others  ;  but  it  is  said  that  George  of  Brit- 
ain is  an  apostate  from  this  religion.  Another  worships  a 
crown  and  sceptre,  like  the  descendants  of  a  certain  brick- 
layer ;  and  many  adore  the  place  of  prime-minister,  chan- 
cellor of  the  kingdom,  first  lord  of  the  treasury,  with  every 
other  place  of  honor  and  trust  in  government.  Some  you 
shall  see  fall  prostrate  before  a  star  and  garter,  whilst  others 
are  all  obedience  to  a  coronet.  The  husband  lies  in  the  dust 
before  "  his  honor,"  whilst  his  wife  in  raptures  adores  "  her 
ladyship."  "  His  lordship"  is  bended  to  by  one,  and  another 
pays  all  his  devotion  to  "  his  grace." 

In  this  county,  you  may  find  some  men  religious  enough 
to  worship  a  corporal's  knot,  or  a  Serjeant's  halberd.  Some 
worship  an  ensign's  sash,  others  a  lieutenant's  commission, 
whilst  the  captam  is  absolutely  as  much  devoted  to  a  regi- 
ment, as  his  colonel  is  to  a  marshal's  staff! 

The  third  county  is  the  dwellmg  of  those  who  worship 


242  DIALOGUES 

their  own  bodies,  than  which,  I  presume,  there  is  not  a  more 
ravenous  idol  in  the  synod.  Around  the  shrine  of  this  god, 
stand  the  baker,  brewer,  pastry-cook,  confectioner,  distiller, 
weaver,  and  male  and  female  tailors.  Hard  by  are  a  con- 
stellation of  the  softer  sex  prostrate  before  an  Indian  shrub, 
the  leaves  of  which  are  in  great  veneration.  At  no  great 
distance  are  a  cloud  of  worshippers  of  Virginia  tobacco ; 
they  are  divided  into  no  less  than  four  different  sects.  The 
first  of  whom  worship  the  tobacco  in  the  neat  leaf,  cut  small, 
or  well  rolled  together.  The  second  worship  it  after  it  is 
well  ground  into  flour.  The  third  put  it  through  the  fire  to 
the  dear  sensation.  And  the  fourth  are  of  such  a  Catholic 
disposition,  that  they  worship  the  dearly  beloved  tobacco  in 
all  its  forms.  [Of  this  last  sect  the  Listener  professes  him- 
self] 

The  belly  is  worshipped  by  many,  as  the  principal  god, 
and  so  profuse  are  they  in  their  offerings,  that  its  altar  is 
sometimes  almost  overturned,  and  the  idol,  greedy  as  it  is, 
is  unable  to  bear  the  fruits  of  their  devotion.  The  sect  of 
gluttons,  a  devout  race,  ransack  both  earth  and  sea  to  bring 
plenty  of  offerings  to  the  idol ;  and  that  of  drunkards,  in 
no  less  devotion,  pour  on  the  wines  in  such  profusion,  that 
all  the  surrounding  trenches  are  gorged  to  the  brim.  TJiis 
same  idol  differs  exceedingly  from  most  other  objects  of 
idolatrous  worship ;  for  when  it  has  swilled  to  excess  in  the 
drink-offering,  it  invites  tlie  brain  to  share  in  the  feast,  to 
which  it  presents  every  vaporish  effluvia,  whilst  it  reserves 
for  its  own  use  only  the  parts  excrementitious.  Moreover, 
this  same  belly  is  apt  to  resent  the  profusion  of  its  worship- 
pers, and  sends  forth  the  bluest  plagues,  most  chilling  agues, 
burning,  putrid  and  malignant  fevers,  with  all  manner  of 
acute  and  chronical  distempers,  amongst  the  worshippers, 
and  thus  provides  employment  for  gentlemen  of  the  faculty; 
whose  business  positively  would  be  worse  than  that  of  a 
cobbler,  but  for  the  religion  of  belly- worshipping. 

In  the  fourth  county  dwell  the  worshippers  of  gold  and 
large  possessions,  some  of  whom  you  will  find  lying  pros- 
trate, in  the  deepest  devotion,  to  a  fine  well-situated  house 
and  garden ;  others  worshipping  a  fertile  estate  and  well- 
stored  barns,  a  flock  of  fleecy  sheep,  or  an  herd  of  fattening 
bullocks.  One  man  adores  the  brace  of  nags,  which  hurl 
him  from  place  to  place,  whilst  his  friend  is  prostrate  before 


OF    DEVILS.  243 

a  splendid  retinue.  Moidores,  as  well  as  English  coin,  is  a 
splendid  idol,  and  attracts  tiic  attention  of  many,  whilst  some 
adore  a  coal-pit,  or  a  mine  of  leaden  ore. 

Had  I  time,  I  would  give  you  a  more  full  account  of  the 
religious  idolaters ;  but  as  business  is  urgent,  I  shall  only 
toucii  upon  some  of  their  gods.  The  greatest  of  which  is 
his  holiness  the  present  pope,  who  dispenscth  blessing  ana 
cursing,  casteth  down  and  exalteth  at  his  pleasure.  This 
god,  wJio  is  exalted  above  all  that  is  called  God,  issueth 
dispensations  and  pardons,  for  money  and  price,  contrary  to 
the  manner  of  the  God  of  heaven.  The  one  pardons  and 
gives  salvation  freely  of  grace,  but  the  other  sells  his  par- 
dons as  dear  as  he  can.  Next  to  his  holiness,  on  tlie  right 
hand,  stands  the  popish  Juno,  or  virgin  Mary,  whose  pow- 
erful command  of  the  God  of  nature,  is  greatly  adored  by 
every  zealous  papist.  On  the  left  hand  stands  a  Jesus  Christ 
of  wood,  whom  the  papists  also  highly  revere ;  for  they  are, 
almost  to  distraction,  fond  of  wooden  deities.  Some  indeed 
have  a  Jesus  Christ  made  of  gold  or  silver,  and  others,  more 
lowly,  worship  a  paper  Savior;  but  the  most  humble  devo- 
tion is  paid  to  the  gods  which  the  baker  makes.  These  are 
the  most  ravenous  idolaters  in  the  whole  world ;  for,  with 
the  greatest  eagerness  and  devout  veneration,  they  eat  the 
object  of  their  adoration.  Thousands  of  these  broaden  gods 
are  devoured  annually,  and  as  soon  as  devoured,  they  are 
replaced  by  others  from  the  sacred  ovens.  The  people,  wor- 
ship, and  service  of  the  true  Jesus  of  Nazareth,  they  abhor 
and  persecute  with  as  much  fury  as  ever  their  ancestors  the 
Romish  pagans  did.  But  if  their  own  godsmiths,  carvers, 
or  statuaries,  happen  to  produce  a  handsome  Jesus  Christ, 
or  a  mother  of  God,  the  country  will  presently  wonder  after 
it,  in  the  most  profound  adoration. 

Discord Axs.  I  have  sometimes  thought,  brother,  that  the 
popish  religion  is  the  religion  of  Moloch  inverted.  That  vo- 
racious idol  was  used  to  devour  the  children  of  his  worshijv 
pers ;  but  here  the  greedy  worshippers  devour  their  god, 
after  he  is  well  baked  in  an  oven. 

Lnfidelis.  The  ancient  pagans  were  even  foolish  enough, 
in  giving  their  children  to  that  greedy  devil,  Moloch ;  and 
the  papists  are  not  much  wiser  in  worshipping  the  works  of 
the  artificer,  or  believing  that  they  can  eat  their  INIaker 
Here  are,  likewise,  the  greatest  variety  of  venerable  relics, 


244  DIALOGUES 

such  as  St.  Peter's  beard,  the  ear  of  St.  Francis,  the  milk  of 
the  virgin,  with  a  thousand  fooleries  besides,  all  of  which  are 
in  some  sense  deified. 

Besides  these  already  mentioned,  there  dwell  in  this  prov- 
ince, all  who  worship  their  ancestors,  which  renders  the 
country  very  populous.  I  mean  those  who  hold  the  canons, 
confessions,  and  liturgies  composed  by  their  ancestors,  to  be 
nearly  equal  to  the  scriptures  in  authenticity.  Likewise, 
those  who  are  of  this  or  that  persuasion,  merely  because  it 
was  the  faith  of  their  progenitors,  without  giving  themselves 
the  trouble  of  searching  the  scripture,  to  know  the  truth  of 
the  doctrine.  It  is  also  here  that  the  worshippers  of  the  sa- 
cerdotal livery  dwell.  I  mean  those  who  venerate  a  man 
merely  for  the  sake  of  his  gown  and  cassock,  without  in- 
quiring whether  his  doctrine  and  conversation  render  him 
venerable. 

But  I  should  tire  your  patience,  was  I  to  give  you  a  mi- 
nute description  of  my  vastly  extended  country,  as  well  as 
lead  you  to  imitate  the  sloth  of  the  children  of  men.  I  shall 
therefore  beg  leave  here  to  desist.  At  the  usual  time  I  will 
meet  you.    Business  calls  me  hence  at  present. 


DIALOGUE  XVII. 

ALL  THE  DIALOGEANS   PRESENT. 

Privy  to  their  appointment,  I  made  business  give  way  to 
curiosity,  and  I  was  as  punctual  in  my  attendance  as  they 
were  ui  theirs.  At  the  same  time  before  agreed  to,  they 
assembled,  resumed  their  seats,  and  Fastosus  thus  began : 

Fastosus.  It  is  true,  sir,  your  son  Avaro  hath  greatly 
exceeded  my  expectations,  and  proves  himself  to  be  an  ex- 
pert devil.  He  will,  I  think',  do  honor  to  the  name  of  Infi- 
delis,  and  may  greatly  contribute  to  the  flourishing  estate 
of  the  kingdom  of  pride.  I  should  be  glad  if  Avaro  might 
now  a  little  enlarge  upon  the  hints  he  has  already  given, 
that  we  may  further  see  the  prosperity  of  our  general  in- 
terest. 

DiscoRDANS.  That  will  be  very  grateful  to  me,  cousin 
Avaro,  as  your  sordid  and  griping  influences  have  tiie  most 


OF   DEVlLS.  245 

happy  effect  upon  tlic  reign  of  contention.  How  have  I 
been  delighted,  when  one  of  your  slaves  has  dropped  into 
the  grave,  leaving  behind  him  vat-t  possessions,  by  the  dis- 
cord I  have  sown  amongst  his  children  and  kinsfolks !  Your 
slaves  dare  not  think  of  dying  and  entering  into  another 
world ;  therefore  it  sometimes  happens,  that  after  the  muck- 
worm has  been,  by  every  means,  and  every  kind  of  rapine, 
scraping  wealth  togetlier  for  many  years,  he  drops  mto  eter- 
nity, without  leaving  behind  him  any  authentic  direction 
how  his  plunder  is  to  be  disposed  of  This  gives  me  a  fair 
opportunity  of  setting  his  relations  together  by  the  ears, 
about  who  shall  get  most  of  tlie  miser's  effects  to  himself; 
and  I  have  the  happiness,  frequently,  of  planting  irrecon- 
cilable enmity  m  the  heart  of  one  brotlier  and  sister  against 
another,  which,  you  know,  is  a  comfortable  sight  to  our  in- 
fernal nobilit}'. 

Sometunes,  the  griping  miser,  that  enemy  to  himself  and 
all  mankind,  is  over-persuaded  to  make  his  will,  though  se- 
cretly hopmg  he  shall  not  die  for  a  great  while  yet  to  come ; 
and  then  the  case  is  very  little  altered :  for  when  the  wretch 
goes  to  the  place  appointed  for  the  covetous,  his  will  is  un- 
satisfactory to  some  of  the  relations ;  one  has  too  much,  and 
the  other  has  too  little  left  him.  Here,  disagreeable  alter- 
cation succeeds  the  funeral  obsequies,  and  division  and  ever- 
lasting disgust  sums  up  the  whol3.  Unless,  indeed,  that  re- 
lation who  has  too  little  bequeathed  to  him,  should  call  in 
the  gentlemen  of  the  law  to  decide  the  matter  in  some  court 
cf  judicature ;  and  who,  having  fleeced  both  the  fools,  as 
handsomely  as  the  nature  of  the  thing  would  admit  of,  refer 
them  at  last  to  an  arbitration. 

I  assure  you,  cousin,  I  scarcely  ever  see  one  of  your  in- 
dustrious slaves,  but  I  flatter  a  hope  of  having  some  em- 
ployment in  his  family  on  his  demise ;  nor  do  I  know  any 
other  real  use  that  the  miser's  ill-gotten  money  is  of  to  so- 
ciety, besides  sowing  discord  amongst  friends  and  relations. 
The  wretch  meanly  robs  his  own  back  and  belly,  as  well  as 
all  he  deals  with,  to  answer  purposes  no  more  valuable  by 
his  havmg.     But  I  prevent  you,  cousin. 

AvARO.  I  camiot  easily  depart  from  the  tent  of  the  scarlet 
lady,  whose  name  is  mystic  Babylon,  without  making  far- 
ther honorable  mention  of  her  prudent  children.  The  wise 
disposal  of  purgatorial  fire  I  as  been  nb-oady  exemplified,  and 
V2 


246  DIALOGUES 

the  dispensation  and  pardon  market  has  been  glanced  at ; 
but  one  way  of  getting  money  besides  these  I  shall  now  in- 
stance. I  have  laid  my  claim  to  the  popish  clergy  in  gene- 
ral ;  but  of  them  all,  there  are  none  who  exceed  the  worthy 
lords,  the  inquisitors,  in  veneration  of  my  golden  image. 
This  religion  of  the  golden  image  was  first  invented  by  the 
clergy  of  Babylon,  and  I  assure  you,  to  this  day,  the  clergy 
of  Babylon  invariably  follow  it.  But  the  inquisitors,  of  all 
others,  are  the  most  zealous  devotees  of  the  golden  god, 
first  set  up  by  the  parsons  of  Babylon. 

Never  did  any  eagle  look  out  for  a  dove,  nor  an  hawk  for 
a  sparrow,  with  greater  vigilance  than  their  lordships  are 
wont  to  look  out  for  a  prey.  If,  within  their  jurisdiction, 
there  happens  to  be  a  stranger,  whose  circumstances  are 
prosperous,  and  who  is  likely  to  be  a  good  bone  for  their 
reverences  to  pick ;  it  shall  go  hard  but  they  will  provoke 
him,  by  some  of  their  emissaries,  to  say  something  against 
the  inquisitive  tribunal,  which,  in  some  countries,  is  deemed 
the  unpardonable  sin.  No  sooner  has  the  insinuating  priest, 
by  indirect  m.eans,  obtained  matter  of  accusation,  but  he 
makes  mformation  in  the  holy  office,  before  the  fathers,  who, 
on  hearing  the  blessed  report,  are  as  much  delighted  as  the 
wolf,  when  he  has  fanged  a  prey.  The  merchant  is  appre- 
hended, his  estate  confiscated ;  he  is  immured  in  the  prison 
cells  until  consumed,  either  by  famine  or  vermin,  otherwise 
he  is  tortured  privately  to  death,  by  the  hands  of  their  sanc- 
tified ruffians. 

One  instance,  of  the  many  which  I  might  produce,  shall 
serve  to  exemplify  the  equity  of  the  inquisitors.  When 
Syracuse  was  in  its  glory,  there  was  one  Bellarius,  a  for- 
eign merchant,  who,  in  the  course  of  business,  had  amassed 
great  riches ;  and  who,  at  the  same  time,  was  so  circumspect 
in  all  his  ways,  that  even  the  eye  of  an  emissary  of  the  of- 
fice could  find  nothing,  of  which  to  accuse  him  to  the  tribu- 
nal. Thus  he  lived  in  reputation  and  affluence  for  many 
years,  to  the  great  impatience  of  the  holy  inquisitors,  who 
could  find  no  plausible  pretence,  by  which  they  might  fang 
his  substance  with  their  rapacious  talons. 

Bellarius  had  an  only  child,  a  lady  about  seventeen.  Her 
person  was  the  perfection  of  symmetry,  and  her  mind  a  copy 
of  the  purest  virtue.  By  her  they  found  means  to  accom- 
plish their  purposes,  and  bring  complicated  rum  on  the  un- 


OF    DEVILS.  247 

happy  parent.  The  family,  retired  to  peaceful  repose,  were 
one  night  alarmed  about  one  o'clock,  first  by  the  approach 
of  a  coach,  and  then  by  a  smart  rapping  at  the  gate.  Bel- 
larius  from  within  asking  'Who  is  tiiere  {'  was  answered, 
'The  holy  inquisition.'  Down  stairs  he  ran,  flew  to  the 
gates,  in  obedience  to  the  dread  tribunal,  and  opened  to  re- 
ceive those  ministers  of  darkness.  Understanding  they  were 
come  for  his  daughter,  in  farther  obedience  to  tliose  leaders 
of  the  church,  he  went  himself  up  to  her  chamber,  brought 
her  down  trembling  as  she  was,  and  delivered  her  into  the 
hands  of  the  horrid  ravishers,  who  carried  her  off  to  the 
seraglio,  in  the  office  of  the  inquisition ;  where  for  the  present 
we  leave  her,  through  fear  of  death,  seduced  from  her  virtue, 
by  those  pretended  patrons  of  religion,  and  return  to  the  un- 
happy disconsolate  father. 

Impiator.  Well,  brother,  I  find  then  the  priests  of  Rome 
are  not  so  much  addicted  to  eunuchry  as  they  pretend.  It 
is  lawful,  it  seems,  to  ravish  virgins,  however  unlawful  it 
may  be  to  have  a  married  wife.  I  have  often  heard  of  the 
seraglio  of  prince.^,  but  not  so  often  of  the  seraglio  of  priests, 
and  those  priests  too,  Vv'ho,  of  all  others,  are  the  most  zeal- 
ous wanderers  after  the  seven-headed  beast. 

AvARO.  Distressed  and  comfortless,  Bellarius  remained 
at  home ;  forsook  all  company,  and  conversed  only  with  the 
various  cogitations  of  his  own  foreboding  mind.  At  one  time, 
he  conjectured  that  his  hapless  daughter,  in  some  inadver- 
tent moment,  mi^ht  have  blasphemed  either  the  wooden  vir- 
gin Mary,  or  the  great  high-priest  of  Rome,  or  the  holy  in- 
quisitors ;  in  which  case,  he  gave  her  up  for  lost,  and  doomed 
her  to  fall  a  sacrifice.  Yet  he  could  scarcely  forgive  the 
rigor  of  that  religion,  which  had  in  such  a  merciless  manner 
ravished  her  from  his  fond  embrace. 

It  was  not  long  after  this,  an  Armenian  merchant,  said  to 
be  newly  arrived  in  Syracuse,  called  on  him,  under  pretence 
of  buying  a  large  assortment  of  goods.  Generous  and  un- 
suspecting, Bellarius  bid  him  welcome  to  his  house,  during 
his  stay;  which  he,  after  some  seemingly  modest  apologies, 
thankfully  accepted.  The  pretended  Armenian,  perceiving 
Bellarius  to  eat  but  little  supper,  and  now  and  then  inad- 
vertently to  let  slip  a  sigh,  took  occasion  to  rally  him,  in  a 
friendly  manner,  as  if  troubled  with  the  hyp',  advising  him  to 
cheer  up  and  hope  for  better  times. 


248  DIALOGUES 

Bellarius,  having  but  little  relish  for  a  jest,  seriously  re- 
plied, '  No,  sir,  the  hyp'  is  not  my  present  disease,  neither 
have  my  affairs  in  trade  taken  an  adverse  turn;  and  yet 
there  is  one  thing  which  gives  me  great  distress,'  The 
friendly  Armenian  was  now  more  importunate  to  know  his 
grievance,  that  he  might  at  least  sympathize  with  him  in 
his  affliction.  Little  suspecting  that  he  was  conflicting  with 
priestly  subtility,  he  thought  he  might  safely  lodge  his  cir- 
cumstances in  the  generous  bosom  of  a  merchant.  He  re- 
plied. Sir,  I  suppose  you  are  a  stranger  in  Syracuse ;  as  such, 
let  me  advise  you,  as  you  value  your  life  and  liberty,  to  be 
careful  of  your  words,  and  every  part  of  your  deportment, 
during  your  abode ;  for  this  is  is  a  place  of  danger.  1  have, 
sir,  one  only  daughter,  the  perfect  image  of  her  lovely  mo- 
ther, whom  I  had  the  misery  to  bury  but  a  few  months  ago. 
I  know  not  by  what  temptation,  but  my  poor  girl  has  said 
something  dishonorable,  either  of  the  lady  of  Loretto,  his 
holiness  the  pope,  or  their  lordships  the  inquisitors,  for  which 
she  is  imprisoned  in  the  holy  office,  and  I  suppose  must  an- 
swer it  with  her  life. 

Oh,  sir,  I  hope  not,  said  the  Armenian ;  the  lady's  youth 
will  intercede  for  her,  and  after  some  gentle  admonition, 
your  daughter  will  be  returned  to  the  house  of  her  father. 

Ah,  sir,  rejoined  disconsolate  Bellarius,  I  cannot  but  fear 
that  her  youth  and  beauty  are  her  greatest  enemies  and  ac- 
cusers. These  are  qualities  capable  of  impressing  the  heart 
even  of  an  inquisitor.  If  this  is  the  case,  my  poor  daughter 
is  already  either  dead  or  debauched.  Or  should  it  happen, 
that  any  thing  has  been  alleged  against  her  religious  con- 
duct, there  are  instruments  enough  in  the  inquisition,  and 
their  lordships  want  not  skill  to  use  them ;  instruments  suf- 
ficient to  make  an  helpless  virgin  confess  that,  which  even 
never  entered  her  thoughts :  so  that,  at  all  events,  her  death 
or  dishonor  is  insured.  No,  sir,  it  is  not  possible  for  me  to 
hope  for  better,  seeing  the  least  hint  thrown  out  against  the 
inquisition,  is  condemned  as  unpardonable  blasphemy. 

It  was  not  long  after  this  discourse,  before  the  Armenian 
feigned  a  necessity  of  going  out ;  went  straight  to  the  inqui- 
sition, and  made  information,  being  a  Jesuit  disguised  as  a 
merchant ;  and  that  very  night  a  coach  was  sent  to  conduct 
Bellarius  to  the  cells  of  their  dreadful  prison.  Next  day 
his  effects  were  seized  by  order  of  the  holy  fathers,  who 


OF   DEVILS.  249 

now  rejoiced  that  at  last  they  had  grasped  the  long  wished 
for  prey.  Confined  in  an  abominable  cell,  he  was  greatly 
annoyed  by  vermin ;  and,  being  divers  times  examined  by 
torture,  he  died  with  grief  for  his  daughter,  who,  as  she 
could  never  freely  yield  to  the  lothcsome  emlarace  of  those 
murderers,  in  a  few  months  tired  their  patience.  Then  one 
of  their  sanctified  ruffians  first  murdered  her,  and  then  burned 
her  to  ashes  in  the  dry  pan.  It  is  amazing,  gentlemen,  to 
what  lengths  the  lust  of  money  and  women  will  carry  men. 

Fastosus.  Indeed,  cousin,  I  think  your  friends,  the  inquis- 
itors, bid  fair  for  equalling  the  most  subtil  of  our  fraternity. 
Oh  what  means  of  procuring  wealth  have  you  taught  their 
reverences  of  the  Romish  hierarchy !  Selling  of  dispensa- 
tions and  pardons,  begging  of  money  for  masses,  &c.  &c. 
are  profitable  articles,  and  turn  to  a  good  account.  But,  if 
I  remember  right,  you  told  me  a  few  days  since,  your  vas- 
sals are  divided  into  several  companies,  or  communities,  and 
that  people  of  all  kingdoms,  ranks,  and  professions,  are,  at 
this  day,  worshippers  of  the  god  Avaro.  I  should  be  glad 
to  hear  something  farther  about  them. 

Avaro.  I  did  so,  sir,  and  shall  be  ready  farther  to  oblige 
you,  if  to  give  you  a  brief  view  of  our  corporation,  which, 
like  all  other  towns  corporate,  consists  of  divers  companies, 
will  do  it.    The  first  of  v/hich  is  that  of 

The  lawyers.  A  very  wise  set  of  gentlemen ;  who  ex- 
ceed the  children  of  light,  in  the  art  of  money-getting,  as 
far  as  any  of  the  inhabitants  of  our  territories ;  of  course 
they  are  held  in  great  estimation,  as  gentlemen  of  the  first 
intelligence.  In  our  city  of  Avarice,  there  is  no  knowledge 
deemed  of  any  avail,  no  conduct  accounted  virtuous,  be- 
sides that  of  money-getting.  He  is  always  the  wisest,  best, 
and  most  virtuous  man,  who  best  succeeds  in  the  lucrative 
art,  whether  in  law,  or  in  trade,  or  otherwise.  There  was 
a  time,  you  know,  when  the  law  was  as  straight,  as  clear  as 
a  beam  of  light,  and  needed  no  expounding,  so  that  every 
man  was  his  own  counsellor.  But  ever  since  the  kings  of 
England  were  kept  prisoners  under  a  guard,  lest  truth  should 
become  familiar  to  the  royal  ear,  the  ca^e  has  been  quite 
altered ;  now  it  is  so  full  of  pleas  and  demurrers,  doubts  and 
exceptions,  &c.  that  it  is  a  perfect  labyrinth ;  dangerous  for 
an  honest  man  to  enter.  For,  in  the  la\yyers'  company,  it 
is  a  standmg  rule,  that,  whether  the  plamtiflT  or  defendant 


250  DIALOGUES 

lose  the  cause,  the  lawyers,  on  both  sides,  are  sure  to  be  con- 
siderable gainers.  Indeed,  it  is  very  seldom,  but  they  man* 
age  the  matter  so,  that  all  parties,  except  themselves,  are 
losers ;  and  if  he  who  gains  the  trial,  finds  himself  in  the 
end  to  be  a  loser,  how  do  you  think  it  must  fare  with  the 
wretch,  against  whom  the  verdict  is  given  1  If  an  honest 
man  has  a  mind  to  purchase  an  estate  ever  so  fairly,  and  pay 
for  it  ever  so  honestly,  he  will  find  it  a  difficult  matter,  so 
to  secure  his  title,  but  if  any  succeeding  heir  be  bred  to  the 
law,  or  heiress  be  married  to  a  lawyer,  he  may  run  a  risk  of 
being  jostled  out  of  his  property,  by  some  knavish  quirk  in 
law,  without  any  allowance  made  either  for  the  estate  or  its 
improvements. 

Indeed,  sir,  it  may  be  said  of  my  faithful  disciples,  the 
lawyers,  attorneys,  bailiffs,  &c.  that  they  pay  as  little  regard 
to  truth  as  the  greatest  of  ourselves.  Right  and  wrong, 
equity  and  oppression,  are  no  objects  of  their  regard,  provid- 
ing the  case  will  yield  good  advantage,  and  bring  large 
grist  to  their  mill ;  an  instance  of  this,  if  you  please,  gentle- 
men, I  shall  give  you. 

Contumelius  was  a  Yorkshire  gentleman,  of  distmguished 
birth  and  ample  fortune,  but  somewhat  akin  to  the  mad  Ma- 
cedonian. His  country-seat  stood  by  the  side  of  a  lane, 
through  which  neighboring  farmers  passed  with  their  teams, 
from  time  immemorial.  But  so  much  passing  and  repassing, 
of  the  whistling  clowns,  following  their  wagons,  at  last 
proved  very  offensive  to  the  worshipful  'squire,  so  that  he 
resolved  to  remove  the  intolerable  nuisance,  by  blocking  up 
the  way.  A  gate  was  accordingly  put  up,  and  fastened  with 
a  padlock,  effectually  to  stop  the  clownish  passengers  from 
passing  as  before,  and  turn  them  by  a  way  considerably  more 
distant. 

As  soon  as  the  'squire's  proceeding  reached  the  ear  of 
Mr.  Loveright,  a  neighboring  farmer,  he  ordered  his  wagon 
to  drive  directly  to  the  gate,  and  fmding  it  locked,  took  an 
ax,  which  he  brought  with  him  for  that  purpose,  and,  to  the 
great  mortification  of  'Squire  Contumelius,  hewed  it  to 
pieces.  His  worship,  in  a  rage,  posted  to  Mr.  Deceitful,  a 
very  eminent  lawyer  in  a  neighboring  town,  for  his  advice. 
The  worthy  lawyer,  finding  this  a  proper  occasion  of  serv- 
ing his  own  interest,  advised  the  'squire  to  send  for  a  writ, 
and  commence  an  action  against  the  farmer  for  his  intolerei'. 


OF   DEVILS.  251 

ble  insolence.  In  a  few  days,  the  writ  was  served  on  Love- 
right,  who  immediately  waited  on  lawyer  Deceitful,  in  order, 
if  possible,  to  compromise  the  matter. 

He  no  sooner  entered  the  office,  than  Mr.  Deceitful  took 
him  aside,  and  thus  addressed  him:  I  am  heartily  sorry, 
my  good  Mr.  Loveright,  that  I  have  been  in  a  manner 
obliged,  by  his  worship  Contumelius,  to  send  for  a  writ 
against  you.  But  I  assure  you,  sir,  in  my  opinion  your  side 
of  the  question  is  by  much  the  safest;  and  might  I  advise, 
it  would  be  to  stand  a  trial,  and  by  no  means  submit  to  a 
compromise.  Knowing  the  farmer  to  be  a  man  of  substance 
and  resolution,  he  continued.  There  is  no  bearing  with  such 
insolent  treatment.  For  my  own  part,  Mr.  Loveright,  I 
would  much  rather  )^ou  had  been  my  client,  on  the  present 
occasion,  than  the  giddy  'squire ;  but  he  first  applied  to  me, 
and  insisted  on  my  doing  w^hat  I  have  done.  If  you  please, 
you  may  apply  to  my  brother  Falsehood,  who  is  skilful  as 
any  man,  and  as  honest  as  any  lawyer  I  know.  In  the 
meanwhile,  sir,  you  may  depend  on  me  as  your  real  friend, 
ready  to  serve  you,  in  every  thing  consistent  with  my  repu- 
tation. 

As  soon  as  Loveright  was  departed,  Mr.  Deceitful  took 
horse,  and  rode  directly  to  the  'squire's  house ;  told  him  the 
farmer  had  been  with  him,  heartily  repented  of  his  folly, 
and  was  very  desirous  of  coming  to  terms  of  agreement. 
But  were  the  case  mine,  said  he,  I  would  listen  to  no  terms 
of  accommodation,  but  punish  his  insolence  to  the  utmost 
rigor  of  law.  The  low-life  fellow,  having  got  forward  in 
the  w^orld,  has  forgotten  himself;  and,  if  suffered  now  to 
escape  with  impunity,  he  will  be  the  pest  of  the  neighbor- 
hood. Thus  the  worthy  lawyer  irritated  both  parties,  until 
he  had  made  sure  of  an  assize  hearing,  that,  in  the  debate, 
he  might  likewise  insure  to  himself  a  sum  very  consider- 
able. For  he  knew  very  well,  that  if  ever  a  difference  falls 
into  the  insatiable  maw  of  the  court,  it  will  never  be  dis- 
gorged, until  all  costs  of  suit  are  amply  paid  off;  for  it  is 
impossible  for  my  mercenary  scribblers  to  give  any  credit. 
Let  them  act  justly  or  unjustly,  they  make  sure  of  their 
fees;  and,  as  the  one  party  must  necessarily  lose,  both 
counsellor  and  attorney  take  care  to  father  the  miscarriage 
of  the  cause,  on  something  which  the  client  has  done, 
which  he  ought  not ;  or  omitted,  which  he  ought  to  have 


252  DIALOGUES 

done :  and,  notwithstanding  all  their  fraud  and  deceit,  both 
of  them  come  off  good  honest  lawyers. 

The  second  company,  and  next  in  reputation  to  that  of 
the  lawyers,  is  the  parson's  company,  which  is  also  very 
flourishing  and  reverend.  That  you  may  not  mistake  my 
meaning,  by  parsons,  I  intend  all,  in  general,  of  every  de- 
nomination, who  are  ministers  merely  for  the  sake  of  a  liv- 
ing ;  more  especially, 

1.  All  who  profess  to  my  lord  bishop,  that  they  are 
moved  by  the  Holy  Ghost,  to  take  upon  them  the  office  of  a 
deacon,  when,  in  reality,  it  is  the  hope  of  a  benefice,  by 
which  they  are  stimulated ;  and  who,  afterwards,  in  the 
course  of  their  pulpiteering,  tell  the  people  that  it  is  enthu- 
siasm in  any  person,  to  expect  to  receive  the  Holy  Ghost  in 
these  days. 

2.  All  who,  sustaining  the  sacerdotal  character,  lead 
men  into  sin,  or  harden  those  who  are  insensible,  either  by 
conniving  at  the  sins  of  their  people,  or  by  being  guilty  of 
the  like  themselves.  These  gentlemen  are  pretty  nume- 
rous. 

3.  All  who  act  rigorously  towards  their  parishioners,  in 
regard  to  temporal  things,  who  evidently  show  more  con- 
cern about  tithes  and  offerings  than  about  the  everlastmg 
welfare  of  their  people. 

4.  All  in  holy  orders,  who,  through  covetousness,  idle- 
ness, or  any  other  unjustifiable  cause,  withhold  from  their 
people  the  stated  ministration  of  the  word  and  ordinances. 
Set  a  mark  upon  them,  for  they  are  all  my  disciples. 

5.  Wherever  you  meet  with  a  gentleman  in  holy  orders, 
who  is  so  far  above  the  bulk  of  his  auditory,  that  he  will 
not  condescend  to  converse  even  with  the  meanest  about 
tlie  state  of  his  soul,  the  work  of  the  Spirit,  and  way  of 
salvation,  such  are  idle  shepherds,  unnatural  pastors,  and 
altogether  devoted  to  the  god  Avaro. 

Impiator.  So  then,  cousin,  I  find  you  have  parsons  of 
more  denominations  than  one ;  they  are  not  all  engrossed 
by  the  established  churches  in  England  and  on  the  conti- 
nent, it  seems.  Yet  I  meet  with  many  who,  with  great 
warmth,  will  vindicate  their  own  denomination  by  whole- 
sale, and  deem  it  little  less  than  blasphemy,  to  suppose  that 
they  embrace  any  thing  erroneous.    Yet  none  more  ready 


OF    DEVILS.  253 

to  censure  and  condemn  those  who  are  of  a  different  per- 
suasion in  religious  things. 

AvARO.  The  truth  is,  my  parsons  are  scattered  abroad, 
among  all  sects  of  professors ;  for  the  time  is  not  yet  come, 
that  any  one  sect  can  justly  assert,  that  none  of  their  minis- 
ters have  any  other  object  in  view  but  the  glory  of  God, 
and  the  good  of  mankind.  Nor  will  the  time  commence, 
before  that  important  question,  '  who  shall  be  the  greatest  ]' 
is  finally  decided ;  which  it  is  thought  will  be  a  great  while 
first,  seeing  it  hath  already  puzzled  the  schoolmen  and 
leaders  of  the  church  for  sixteen  centuries  back. 

But,  to  return  to  the  parsons'  company;  wherever  you 
meet  with  a  clergyman,  who  answers  the  description  I  have 
given,  you  need  not  ask  him  whether  he  is  a  churchman  or 
a  dissenter.  All  you  have  to  do,  is  to  put  Beelzebub's  mark 
upon  his  forehead,  and  take  assurance  of  him,  that,  at  a  cer- 
tain time,  he  shall  not  fail  to  visit  the  nether  regions,  and 
take  his  abode  in  the  infernal  palace. 

In  this  very  populous  company,  there  is  great  diversity 
of  ranks,  even  where  there  is  an  equality  of  genius ;  for 
some,  having  scarcely  finished  their  apprenticeship,  are  in- 
ducted into  livings,  and  instantly  commence  rectors  and 
tithe-gatherers.  Others,  for  want  of  friends,  are  obliged, 
much  against  their  inclination,  to  continue  underlings  all 
the  length  of  a  tedious  life.  I  have  seen  a  handsome  par- 
son, ere  now,  riding  upon  four  or  five  steeples  at  once,  and 
having  more  in  expectation  ;  whilst  his  fellow -student  could 
scarcely  procure  brown  bread  and  Welsh  butter.  And 
amongst  all  the  pluralists  in  my  acquaintance,  I  know  not 
of  one  that  has  got  livings  enough ;  but,  Give,  give,  is  still 
their  fervent  prayer  to  my  lord  bishop,  or  some  other  patron, 
\v^ho  has  a  benefice  to  bestow.  Many,  indeed,  think  they 
should  be  quite  contented,  if  they  had  but  one  more  bene- 
fice added  to  what  they  now  enjoy ;  but  I  can  tell  you,  could 
they  come  by  another,  there  would  still  be  another  want- 
ing. It  is  much,  now  so  many  clergymen  find  themselves 
uneasy  in  the  trammels,  if  they  do  not  at  last  take  it  into 
their  heads  to  persuade  the  legislature,  that  a  clergyman 
cannot  preach  in  three  or  four  churches  at  one  and  the 
same  time ;  and  that  it  is  not  perfectly  consistent,  either 
with  Christianity  or  reason,  that  one  clergyman  should  have 
W 


254  DIALOGUES 

three  or  four  livings,  whilst  another  has  none.  Should  it 
come  to  this,  my  company  must  be  terrible  sufferers. 

Impiator.  One  would  really  think,  if  the  cure  of  soula 
is  as  weighty  a  concern  as  some  people  make  it,  the  parsons 
would  not  be  so  fond  of  pluralities ;  of  adding  living  to  liv- 
ing, and  parish  to  parish. 

AvARO.  The  cure  of  souls,  forsooth !  My  parsons  care 
not  who  take  the  souls.  The  fleece,  cousin,  the  fleece,  at- 
tracts their  attention.  Give  an  avaricious  parson  the  fleece, 
and  you  may  make  fairies  of  the  souls  of  the  parishioners, 
if  you  will.  Many  of  them  do  very  little  of  the  priest^s 
office,  besides  collecting  the  tithes  and  offerings ;  at  which 
they  are  wonderfully  dexterous.  But  as  to  preaching  they 
have  no  notion  of  it,  and  less  still  of  visiting  the  sick,  were 
they  even  in  the  jaws  of  death.  I  assure  you,  gentlemen, 
those  idle  shepherds  are  of  the  greatest  use  to  our  govern- 
ment. The  interest  of  hell  could  not  prosper  as  it  does, 
were  we  not  well  befriended  by  many  gentlemen  in  holy 
orders. 

Fastosus.  Indeed,  cousin,  I  have  often  thought  that 
without  their  assistance,  we  should  be  ill  put  to  it  to  main- 
tain our  ground,  against  the  votaries  of  Immanuel.  What 
posting  to  and  from  hell  is  there  amongst  our  sable  breth- 
ren, when  but  one  faithful  and  zealous  gospel  minister 
arises  in  a  nation?  You  may  remember  when  Luther  and 
Calvin  broke  the  chain  of  the  pope  and  devil,  lifted  up  the 
voice  of  the  gospel  trumpet,  which  resounded  through  the 
bowels  of  hell,  and  made  the  pillars  of  our  infernal  kingdom 
totter,  what  hurly-burly  we  all  were  in !  What  deep  con- 
sultations in  the  divan  !  What  diligence  in  action  with  our 
forces  upon  earth ! 

AvARO.  True,  sir,  but  times  are  much  altered  for  the 
better.  Many  a  well-paid  parson,  now-a-days,  is  so  obliging 
as  to  sing  a  lullaby  to  his  people,  when  he  finds  them  sno- 
ring in  the  sleep  of  security,  and  will  suffer  no  man  to  at- 
tempt their  awakening.  He  kindly  tells  them,  "  that  they 
may  sleep  on  now,  and  take  their  rest,  for  the  wolf  is  gone 
out  of  the  country,  and  will  not  for  a  great  while  return. 
Let  no  man  disturb  you  with  idle  notions,  for  you  may  all 
go  asleep  to  heaven,  without  ever  knowing  what  conversion 
means." 

Infidelis.  It  is  admirable  what  power  these  same  gen- 


OF    DEVILS.  255 

llemen  have  gotten  over  reason  and  religion.  I  have  often 
thought,  that  if  ever  tliey  were  to  read  their  Bibles  with 
attention,  they  coukl  not  be  oft*  from  seeing  that  they  them- 
selves are  the  identical  persons  intended  by  the  idle  shejv 
herds,  and  unfaithful  watchmen,  against  whom  so  many 
curses  are  denounced  in  scripture.  The  idle  shepherds, 
you  know,  are  such  who  feed  and  adorn  themselves  with  the 
spoils  of  the  flock,  which  is  suffered  to  perish  unwarned,  and 
to  die  for  lack  of  knowledge.  The  idle  shepherd  is  that 
lordly  priest,  that  downy  doctor,  who  keeps  at  an  awful  dis- 
tance from  men  of  ordinary  rank,  and  is  too  much  of  the 
gentleman  to  give  himself  any  concern  about  tlie  souls  of 
his  parishioners. 

Many  of  those  idle  shepherds  I  know,  who  possess  some 
hundreds,  ay,  some  of  them  thousands  per  annum,  who 
will  not  so  much  as  ask  one  of  their  cure,  whether  he  in- 
tends to  go  to  heaven  or  hell  at  death,  or  whetlicr  he  serves 
God  or  the  devil ;  yet  if  a  parishioner  die,  they  will  keep 
Jbs  penetrating  a  look-out  for  their  fees,  as  an  eagle  for  his 
prey,  and  seize  it  with  equal  eagerness.  Moreover,  for  the 
sake  of  this  same  fee,  they  will  own  the  deceased  for  a  bro- 
ther, which  privilege  was  always  denied  him  whilst  alive, 
unless  he  should  indeed  have  happened  to  be  one  of  the  fat 
of  the  flock,  who  was  capable  of  yielding  a  double  fleece. 

AvARo.  It  is  the  fleece,  sir,  which  my  disciples  regard, 
and  not  the  flock.  How  hciyf?  I  been  diverted  sonietimes- 
laoA  at  church  and  meeting-house,  to  hear  the  parson,  with 
an  air  the  most  supercilious  and  contemptful,  railing 
agamst  the  most  useful  of  God's  ministers,  as  enthusiasts, 
fanatics,  and  methodists  !  Ah  !  said  I  to  myself,  what  poor 
honest  devils  were  those  of  old,  who  confessed  Christ  and 
his  disciples,  and  thus  declared  to  the  sons  of  Sceva^  "  Jesus 
we  know,  and  Paul  we  know,  but  who  are  you  ?" 

Sometimes  I  hear  them  crying  with  vehemence,  against 
the  divinity  of  Immanuel :  one  makmg  him  some  kind  of  a 
fiuper-angelical  being,  and  another  asserting  that  he  is  only 
a  man,  like  themselves.  Then  say  I,  What  a  pusillanimous 
spirit  was  that  same  devil  Legion,  who,  without  receiving 
either  tithe  or  offering,  confessed  Jesus  of  Nazareth  to  be 
the  only  Son  of  God,  to  whom  the  scriptures  ascribe  every 
divine  honor !  But  these  parsons  are  well  paid  for  confess- 
ing hira,  and  yet  deny  him  with  the  utmost  insolence. 


256  DIALOGUES 

There  is  never  a  day  but  I  hear  some  of  this  company 
charging  the  lie  upon  one  text  or  other  of  the  Bible.  One 
tells  his  people  that  there  is  no  such  thing,  as  one  being 
chosen  to  salvation  more  than  another ;  but  tliat  the  love  of 
God  is  equal  unto,  and  upon  all  men,  whether  Jew  or  Gen- 
tile, Turk  or  Pagan,  Papist  or  Protestant ;  nay,  then,  say  I, 
master  parson,  you  are  become  a  dissenter  from  your  own 
seventeenth  article.  And,  to  speak  within  compass,  there 
are  at  least  a  thousand  pulpits  in  the  church  occupied  by 
such  dissenters. 

Then  I  hear  others,  railing  against  those  who  preach  sal- 
vation by  grace ;  and,  at  the  same  time,  assuring  their  peo- 
ple, that  they  must  be  saved  by  their  own  holiness  and  good 
works.  Very  well,  say  I,  then  I  have  my  desire,  for  upon 
these  terms  they  will  never  be  saved  at  all.  But  still  I  am 
at  a  loss,  how  they  dare  so  barefacedly  give  the  lie  to  Paul 
the  apostle,  who  taught  the  church,  that,  "  By  grace  they 
were  saved  through  faith,  and  that  not  of  themselves,  but 
the  gift  of  God."  I  hear  many  clergymen  of  the  established 
church,  in  entering  upon  the  service,  thus  address  the  Majesty 
of  Heaven,  "  Lord,  cleanse  thou  the  thoughts  of  our  hearts, 
by  the  inspiration  of  the  Holy  Spirit ;"  and  in  less  than  an 
hour  after,  telling  their  parishioners,  that  it  is  mere  enthu- 
siasm m  any  man  to  expect,  in  these  days,  to  be  at  all  in- 
fluenced by  the  inspiration  of  the  Holy  Spirit. 

So  glaring  the  contradictions,  which  sometimes  they  are 
guilty  of,  that  I  tremble  with  fear,  lest  the  people  should  be 
convinced  of  the  truth ;  but  these  are  favorable  times,  gen- 
tlemen, very  favorable  ;  for  the  greater  part  of  the  people 
have  something  else  to  think  of,  when  they  go  to  church, 
besides  either  preaching  or  prayer. 

When  I  hear  the  parson,  whether  churchman  or  dissenter, 
telling  his  people  how  holy  and  pure  the  heart  of  man  is  by 
nature ;  how  aptly  formed  for  sentiments  of  the  most  exalt- 
ed piety,  and  for  entertaining  the  love  of  God ;  I  am  wonder- 
fully at  a  loss  to  know,  how  he  came  by  more  extensive 
knowledge  of  mankind  than  Jesus  Christ,  who  expressly 
taught,  that  whatsoever  defileth  the  man  proceeds  out  of  the 
heart.  Your  influences,  Fastosus,  are  of  excellent  use,  in 
keeping  them  where  they  are  ;  you  take  care  to  persuade 
each  of  them  separately,  that  of  all  others  his  own  know- 
ledge is  the  most  refined ;  and  hence  it  is,  that  Goodwin, 


OF  DEVILS.  257 

Owen,  Charnock,  and  all  such  authors,  are  considered  as 
weak  though  well-mcanijig"  divines. 

It  is  very  diverting  to  hear  my  parsons  boasting  of  their 
superior  knowledge,  even  when  by  their  ministrations  it  is 
plain,  that  they  are  acquainted  with  almost  any  writings, 
better  than  those  of  inspiration  ;  when  their  auditories 
dwindle  away  to  nothing,  and  the  few  people  who  abide 
by  them  are  destitute  of  all  religion.  Did  they  but  know 
half  as  much  as  the  most  illiterate  devil  of  our  fraternity, 
they  would  at  least  believe,  that  there  rnay  be  a  possibility 
of  their  mistaking  the  way,  and  that,  after  all  their  preten- 
sions to  a  superior  knowledge,  they  may  run  some  risk  of 
a  final  miscarriage.  But,  as  our  good  friends,  the  Roman 
doctors,  are  wont  to  say,  "  Ignorance  is  the  mother  of  de- 
votion ;"  so  say  I  of  my  parsons,  "  Ignorance  is  the  spring 
of  all  their  knowledge  ;"  and  whilst  my  father  Infidelis  can 
keep  them  ignorant,  my  uncle  Fastosus  can  easily  puff  them 
up  with  a  sense  of  the  clearness  of  their  heads,  and  goodness 
of  their  hearts  ;  so  that  I  can  do  very  well  with  them,  and 
retain  them  amongst  our  worshippers. 

The  next  company  m  our  corporation  is  that  of  the 
straining  landlords,  a  very  noble  and  reputable  company  in- 
deed ;  notwithstandmg,  tliey  are  far  from  being  opulent  In 
the  days  of  yore,  when  luxury  was  but  little  in  vogue,  the 
freeholders  were  attended  with  fewer  wants,  and,  of  course, 
this  company  was  less  flourishing ;  but  since  these  happy 
days  commenced,  in  which  people  of  quality  are  trained  up 
in  absolute  idleness  and  dissipation :  in  which  virtue  is  of 
no  account,  and  luxury,  pride,  and  dissoluteness  are  arrived 
at  their  zenith,  the  people  of  quality  are  amazingly  poor, 
and  are  attended  with  an  undescribable  train  of  necessities. 
What  is  very  remarkable,  their  pride  has  grown  in  a  per- 
fect proportion  to  their  poverty,  so  that  now  it  is  an  estab- 
lished law  amongst  them,  to  look  upon  themselves  as  of  a 
different  blood  from  the  rest  of  mankind.  Indeed  you  can- 
not affront  a  person  of  quality  worse,  that  by  likening  him 
to  one  of  those,  who  are  called  vulgar  creatures  ;  notwith- 
standing, by  the  way,  it  is  those  same  vulgar  creatures 
which  enable  persons  of  rank  and  fashion  to  support  the 
dignity  of  their  station ;  and  were  there  no  vulgar  crea- 
tures, there  would  also  be  no  ladies  of  quality. 

This  distmction,  which  the  quality  pay  to  themselves,  is 
W2 


258  DIALOGUES 

of  the  utmost  use  in  my  administration,  as  will  appear  from 
the  followhig  story. 

I  went,  one  day,  to  the  house  of  Sir  Fop  Mortalis,  a  very 
famous  gentleman  in  the  country,  with  a  design  to  pay  my 
devoirs  to  madam  Mortalis,  his  lady ;  a  gentlewoman,  who 
abhors  to  have  the  least  comparison  made  betwixt  her  and 
any  person  of  inferior  rank.  The  chambermaid  informed 
her  mistress,  that  good  Mr.  Prudence  waited  below,  de- 
siring to  speak  with  her  ladyship,  if  convenient.  The  lady 
soon  descended,  and,  compliments  passed  on  either  side,  she 
conducted  me  into  her  parlor,  where  she  and  I  had  the  fol- 
lowing dialogue. 

Lady.  Good  Mr.  Prudence,  you  have  been  a  very  great 
stranger.  It  is  many  months  since  I  saw  you  at  our  house  ; 
but  I  am  glad  to  see  you  now,  and  I  wish  in  my  heart  Sir 
Fop  Mortalis  had  been  at  home. 

Prudence.  Urgent  business,  madam,  demands  my  attend- 
ance so  much  elsewhere,  that  I  cannot  so  frequently  as  I 
could  wash,  pay  my  respects  to  Sir  Fop  and  my  lady  Mor- 
talis. But  now,  madan),  I  am  come,  if  possible,  to  rectify  a 
growing  mistake  amongst  mankind  ;  and  must  tell  your 
ladyship,  that  I  am  heartily  sorry  to  see  the  world  arrived 
at  such  a  pitch  of  ambition  as  it  is  now.  Indeed,  my  lady, 
it  is  become  a  very  difficult  matter,  in  a  concourse  of  people, 
to  distinguish  between  the  farmers'  and  tradesmen's  wives, 
and  ladies  of  birth  and  fortune ;  nor  can  we  more  easily  dis- 
tinguish between  their  several  children.  Why,  madam, 
the  farmers'  and  tradesmen's  children  are  all  masters  and 
misses,  young  gentlemen  and  ladies,  now-a-days.  I  know 
not,  for  my  part,  what  the  world  will  come  to,  if  some  mea- 
sures are  not  speedily  taken  to  prevent  the  confounding  of 
baseness  with  dignity. 

When  I  was  last  at  church,  I  was  surprised  to  see,  as  I 
thought,  Miss  Mortalis,  your  daughter,  there ;  well  know- 
ing that  neither  Sir  Fop  himself,  nor  any  of  his  family,  go 
often  to  any  place  of  public  worship.  Because  you  know, 
my  lady,  few  of  you  great  folks  love  the  tedious  duties  of 
religion. 

Lady.  Not  we,  indeed.  Give  us  the  cards,  or  musical 
entertainments,  for  our  money.  We  hate  their  whining, 
doleful  cant.    Let  them  choose  religion  who  have  taste  for 


OF    DEVILS.  259 

nothing  more  polite.  We  will  have  none  of  it,  I  assure  you, 
Mr.  Prudence. 

Prudence.  I  know  it,  my  lady,  I  know  it,  and  am  mightily 
pleased  with  your  determination.  But,  as  I  was  telling  your 
ladyship,  being  at  church,  as  soon  as  service  was  over,  I  said 
to  a  man,  who  sat  in  the  pew  with  mo,  '  I  am  surprised  to 
see  Miss  Mortalis  at  churcli  to-day.  Do  you  think,  sir,  that 
anybody  has  been  daring  enough  to  tell  her  that  she  really 
is  a  mortal  ?'  To  which  the  plain  countryman,  in  his  own 
clownish  way,  replied,  '  Miss  Mortalis  at  churcli !  quoth-a : 
no,  no,  sir,  you  are  quite  mistaken ;  for  Sir  Fop's  family  are 
people  of  quality,  and  therefore  meddle  none  with  religion. 
What  should  they  do  at  church,  seeing  they  fear  no  hell, 
regard  not  God,  and  believe  not  in  the  devil.  As  for  heaven, 
Sir  Fop  is  willing  to  leave  that  to  the  poor,  and  desires  no 
greater  happiness  for  himself  and  his,  than  is  implied  in  an 
earldom.' 

Lady.  Tliat  is,  indeed,  what  Sir  Fop  has  long  been  so- 
liciting, and  it  is  believed  is  now  very  near  obtaining. 

Prudence.  But  I  said  to  the  fellow,  Pray  who  is  that 
young  lady,  whom  I  took  for  Miss  Mortalis  ]  Poh,  lady ! 
quoth-a,  why,  'tis  John  Tillground's  daughter,  o'  tlie  Five 
Elms.  Tillground's  daughter !  said  I ;  you  surprise  me.  She 
is  as  finely  drest  as  I  have  seen  ]\Iiss  Mortalis,  when  going 
to  a  ball.  And  pray,  continued  I,  who  is  yonder  lady,  with 
the  French  head-dress  and  furred  cardinal  ]  I  thought  you 
had  no  people  of  quality  in  this  parish  besides  Sir  Fop's 
family.  No,  sir,  returned  he,  we  have  none,  who  are  such 
by  birth ;  but  we  liave  many  who  are  quality  by  their  dress. 
The  lady,  sir,  that  you  inquire  after,  is  Mrs.  Watson,  the 
landlady  at  the  Three  Tuns. 

Well,  madam,  I  followed  them  out  of  church,  and  was 
amazed  to  see  the  plaitings  of  hair,  the  tires  of  ruffles,  and 
the  labyrinthian  furbeloes,  with  which  the  women  were  de- 
corated. Indeed,  my  lady,  if  the  world  holds  on  but  a  few 
years,  in  its  present  career,  we  shall  not  be  able  to  distin- 
guish betwixt  the  highest  and  the  lowest  ranks  of  people. 

Lady.  To  be  sure,  sir,  the  world  is  now  at  a  sad  pitch  of 
pride  and  ambition ;  for  people  of  fashion  can  do  nothing  as 
to  dress,  gesture,  manner  of  speech,  or  living,  but  we  are 
mimicked  by  those  vulgar  creatures. 

Prudence.  It  must  undoubtedly  be  considered  as  an  in- 


260  DIALOGUES 

sufferable  insult  upon  people  of  breeding,  when  they  are 
thus  taken  off  by  the  vulgar.  But,  madam,  I  have  a  scheme 
to  propose,  which,  if  adopted,  will  effectually  correct  their 
insolence,  and  soon  oblige  John  Tillground  and  Timothy 
Turf's  daughters  to  lay  aside  their  furbeloes,  ruffles,  and 
tea-table,  and  betake  themselves  to  their  spinning-wheels. 

Lady.  What  is  it  ]  I  pray  you,  good  Mr.  Prudence,  be 
so  obliging ;  I  beg  you  would,  sir. 

Prudence.  Indeed,  madam,  your  farmers  are  all  become 
gentlemen  of  late.  They  talk  of  fortunes  for  their  children, 
and  consider  themselves  as  very  little  inferior  to  the  'Squire 
himself  But  let  me  tell  you,  madam,  the  fault  is  not  so 
much  in  the  farmers  as  in  the  landlords  themselves,  who  let 
their  farms  upon  terms  by  far  too  low  and  easy.  There  is 
this  same  John  Tillground,  and  his  neighbor  Timothy  Turf, 
as  I  am  informed,  have  both  of  them  money  lying  at  inter- 
est, when  my  worthy  and  right  honorable  lord  Noble,  a  gen- 
tleman of  the  first  quality,  is  obliged  to  pawn  his  plate  for 
cash,  to  pay  off  the  four  thousand  pounds  he  lost  the  other 
night  at  cards ;  and  whilst  his  gentle  neighbor,  'Squire  Fitz- 
foUy,  is  obliged  to  fell  his  timber,  to  stop  the  horrid  gap 
which  his  malevolent  stars  opened  at  Newmarket  races, 
where  the  gamblers  of  rank  and  quality  occasionally  try 
their  fortune. 

It  is  insufferable,  madam,  that  the  farmers'  circumstances 
should  be  easy,  whilst  people  of  fashion  know  not  how  to 
keep  off  the  duns  from  their  doors.  What  right  has  any- 
body to  any  thing  besides  slavery,  except  people  of  quality"? 
Were  not  those  vulgar  creatures  originally  designed  as  your 
slaves,  madam  ]  And  yet,  for  any  thing  I  see,  they  will  soon 
be  on  a  level  with  you,  unless  some  method,  lucky  enough 
to  prevent  it,  is  speedily  devised. 

Lady.  Ah,  sir,  I  fear  it  indeed.  If  you  do  know  of  any 
suitable  means  to  prevent  it,  I  beg,  good  Mr.  Prudence,  you 
will  inform  me. 

Prudence.  There  is  only  one  way  that  I  know  of,  madam , 
and  that  is  to  raise  their  rents  to  the  uttermost.  As  every  lease 
expires,  it  will  be  an  easy  matter  for  Sir  Fop,  in  the  renewal 
of  it,  to  advance  the  rent  as  high  as  he  pleases.  The  slaves 
dare  not  go  away  ;  and  if  they  should,  there  will  be  others 
foolish  enough  to  agree  to  any  terms,  rather  than  miss  a 
iarm.    This  done,  and  all  your  tenants  settled  upon  the 


OF   DEVILS.  261 

racked  farms,  if  any  of  them  happens  to  rear  a  handsome 
colt,  let  Sir  Fop  himself,  or  young  master,  fall  in  love  with 
it,  demand  it  of  its  owner  for  so  much,  never  exceeding  half 
its  value ;  he  may  privately  grumble,  but  dare  not  refuse, 
for  fear  of  offending  his  honor.  By  these  means,  and  others, 
which  occasion  will  suggest,  you  may  make  tliem  all  hum- 
ble enough. 

Lady.  ]\Iost  excellently  spoken,  good  Mr.  Prudence.  Then 
Tillground's  wife  will  be  obliged  to  sell  her  chinaware,  to 
procure  rags  fbr  her  brats;  the  daughter  must  take  to  her 
wheel  and  wash-tub,  and  my  son,  master  Thomas,  will  ride 
a  better  horse  than  he  now  does.  This  scheme  will  cer- 
tainly conquer  the  ambition  of  the  farmers ;  but  will  it  do 
for  the  tradesmen,  good  Mr.  Prudence  1  they  will  still  con- 
tinue an  eyesore. 

Prudence.  Indeed,  madam,  the  same  scheme  will  pro- 
duce very  humbling  effects  upon  tradesmen  of  every  kind ; 
though  I  dare  not  assert,  that  you  will  ever  be  able  perfectly 
to  subject  to  your  ambition  and  avarice,  that  honorable  body 
of  merchants,  whom  you  affectedly  call  cits.  No,  madam, 
I  am  afraid  that  nobility  itself  must  give  place  to  the  public 
spirit  of  the  merchant;  yet  even  them  you  may  greatly  in- 
jure, and  prevent  their  being  of' such  essential  service  to 
tlieir  country,  as  otherwise  they  might  be.  But  as  to  inland 
trade,  by  racking  your  tenants  in  the  manner  prescribed, 
you  may  absolutely  destroy  it.  That  you  may  see  the  utility 
of  my  scheme,  I  shall  a  little  explain  it  to  your  ladyship. 

If  the  farmers  are  racked  to  the  utmost,  they  will  be 
obliged  to  sell  the  produce  of  their  lands  at  an  exorbitant 
price,  otherwise  it  will  be  altogether  out  of  their  power  to 
pav  the  stipulated  rent.  And  besides  selling  their  crops, 
&c.  for  an  advanced  price,  they  will  be  obliged  to  abridge 
the  wages  of  all  their  laborers,  smiths,  carpenters,  &c. 

By  these  means  the  farmer  will  find  it  difficult  to  live, 
and  of  course  will  rarely  visit  the  mercer's  and  draper's 
shops ;  and  as  for  his  laborers  and  workmen,  they  will  find 
but  little  money  to  lay  out  in  clothes,  especially  if  their 
children  be  numerous,  as  tlie  demands  of  the  back  must  al- 
ways give  place  to  the  louder  calls  of  the  belly.  And  as 
you  know,  my  lady,  sterility  very  rarely  dwells  m  the  labor- 
er's cottage,  it  is  unknown  what  misery  you  may  happily 
introduce  amongst  them,  by  the  scheme  proposed.    The 


262  DIALOGUES 

draper's  goods  will  lie  upon  his  hands,  unless  indeed  he  i3 
pleased  to  give  credit  to  the  poor ;  if  the  former,  he  will  be 
sparing  of  his  orders ;  and  if  the  latter,  we  shall  soon  have 
him  a  bankrupt,  so  that  he  will  be  effectually  ruined. 

You  see,  madam,  that  here  we  affect  the  manufacturer, 
equally  with  the  farmer  and  shopkeeper :  for  when  the  re- 
tail trade  is  ruined  by  the  dearness  of  the  provisions,  the 
manufacturer  will  find  little  call  for  his  goods ;  the  issue  of 
which  will  be,  the  disbanding  of  many  of  his  journeymen, 
and  abridging  the  wages  of  the  rest.  The  disbanded  jour- 
neymen, being  incapable  of  finding  employment,  and  not 
havino-  learned  the  art  of  living,  like  the  cameleon,  on  the 
air,  will  be  driven  to  thieving,  by  which  means  America 
will  be  peopled,  and  Tyburn  Chronicle  rendered  respect- 
able. 

As  to  the  manufacturer  himself,  his  capital  being  soon 
converted  into  manufactured  goods,  he  will  be  obliged  to 
sell  them  under  their  value,  that  he  may  keep  up  his  credit 
with  the  merchant,  and  be  able  to  carry  on  a  little  trade, 
vainly  hoping  that  times  may  alter  for  the  better. 

Lady.  Indeed,  sir,  your  scheme  is  very  feasible ;  and  yet 
there  is  one  thing  that  will  put  the  manufacturer  absolutely 
out  of  our  power.  I  mean,  sir,  the  exportation  of  their 
manufactures.  I  do  not  know  how  it  is,  but  these  cits  of 
merchants  can  send  goods  anywhere,  and  they,  sir,  will  sup- 
port the  manufacturer. 

Prudence.  No,  madam,  I  assure  you,  my  scheme,  if  coiv 
dially  adopted,  and  executed  with  vigor,  will  put  it  abso- 
lutely out  of  the  merchant's  power.  There  is  nothing  can 
recommend  the  English  manufacture  at  a  foreign  market, 
but  the  price  being  inferior  to  that  of  other  nations.  Now, 
if  an  Englishman  must  pay  twice  as  dear  for  his  provision 
in  his  own  country,  as  a  Frenchman  does  in  his,  it  is  easy 
to  see  that  either  journeymen's  wages  must,  in  England,  be 
double  to  what  they  are  in  France,  or  the  journeymen  must 
starve;  which  few  Englishmen  are  fond  of  doing.  The 
consequence  of  this  is,  the  French  manufacturer  can  send 
his  goods  to  a  foreign  market  upon  better  terms  tiian  an 
Englishman,  and,  of  course,  destroy]all  the  foreign  trade  of 
the  English  nation.  Thus,  madam,  I  have  pointed  out  a 
method  by  which  you  people  of  fashion,  in  order  to  support 
your  own  grandeur,  may  suck  the  blood  of  all  inferior  ranks 


OF   DEVILS.  263 

of  people,  and  make  the  British  subjects  absolutely  slaves, 
even  in  a  country  which  boasts  its  freedom.  Nay,  more, 
this  is  a  method  by  wliich  you  may  ruin  the  most  flourish- 
ing nation  in  tiie  world. 

Lady.  Spoke  like  an  angel,  good  Mr.  Prudence.  I  pro- 
test, upon  lionor,  I  will  not  sleep  until  I  have  consulted  Sir 
Fop  on  the  matter. 

AvARO.  T.  took  my  leave  of  her  ladyship,  who  could  not 
rest  until  she  had  communicated  the  matter  to  her  acquaint- 
ance, and  they  to  their  acquaintances,  and  so  they  again  to 
theirs,  that  it  had  very  soon  made  the  tour  of  Great  Britain 
and  Ireland ;  an  ordinance  was  instituted,  in  the  company 
of  avaricious  landlords,  that  in  every  future  lease,  the  farm- 
ers should  be  racked  to  the  last  extremity.  This  ordinance 
has  been  universally  complied  with,  by  the  whole  company; 
so  that  there  is  reason  to  hope,  in  time,  all  the  blessed  con- 
sequences proposed,  w^ill  arise  from  it,  as  you  see  to  what 
an  exorbitant  price  all  manner  of  provisions  is  already  ar- 
rived. What  may  not  be  expected  from  such  hopeful  be- 
ginnings ] 

Fastosus.  a  noble  company  indeed,  and  near  akin  to 
our  destroying  clan.  And  yet  many  of  them  set  up  for  pa- 
triots, even  w^hen  they  are  drawing  ruin  upon  the  nation, 
by  their  pride,  luxury,  and  avarice. 


DIALOGUE  XVm. 

all  the  dialogeans  present. 

Fastosus.  No,  Avaro ;  know  assuredly  that  you  are  not 
more  in  esteem  with  the  Dutch  than  myself.  It  were 
strange,  indeed,  if  I  had  no  concern  with  Mynheer. 

Avaro.  Indeed,  sir,  to  see  Mynheer  equipped  in  his  holi- 
day clothes,  he  makes  pretty  near  as  awkward  an  appear- 
ance as  a  Laplander;  and  one  would  certainly  conclude, 
that  he  is  a  perfect  stranger  to  courtly  Fastosus.  But  all 
the  world  knows,  that  Avaro  is  a  very  respectable  person- 
age in  Holland. 

Fastosus.   I  told  you  before,  cousin,  that  you  have  an 


264  DIALOGUES 

Ugly  way  of  encroaching  upon  your  neighbor's  right.  I  do 
not  like  it  cousin,  and  will  assert  my  dominion.  Do  you 
think  that  Mynheer  is  not  full  as  proud  of  his  multiplicity 
of  garments,  as  an  English  hero  is  of  his  scarlet  and  lace  1 
Or,  that  he  is  not  the  best  fellow  who  can  wear  the  great- 
est numbers  of  pairs  of  breeches  ]  I  assert,  there  may  be  as 
much  pride  under  a  Dutchman's  cap,  as  under  a  Scotch 
bonnet,  or  even  under  a  Frenchman's  hat ;  notwithstanding 
there  is  a  very  great  difference  between  the  first  and  the 
last.  The  first,  you  know,  is  a  fixed  ponderous  substance, 
and  the  last  is  mutable,  as  the  weathercock  on  the  top  of 
St.  Peter's.  Yes,  Avaro,  I  may  assert  fartiier,  that  there 
may  be  as  much  pride  under  a  red  cap,  as  under  the  coro- 
net of  a  peer,  or  even  under  the  mitre  of  an  archbishop. 

IxFiDELis.  That  Avaro  is  in  high  esteem  in  the  Nether- 
lands, will  not  be  denied ;  but  to  suppose  Fastosus  excluded 
from  any  people  whatever,  is  highly  dishonoring :  therefore, 
my  son,  you  must  learn  to  be  more  cautious,  and,  for  the 
present,  to  make  atonement  for  your  error,  proceed  with 
your  account  of  your  corporation. 

Avaro.  If  to  retract  an  error,  and  endeavor  in  future  to 
oblige,  will  procure  forgiveness,  it  shall  be  done.  In  order 
to  which  you  will  please  to  observe  that  the 

Fourth  Company  of  my  corporation,  is  that  of  the  letter 
retailers,  otherwise  called  mercenary  scribblers,  and  false 
publishers.  The  transcribers  and  abridgers  of  other  men's 
works,  and  especially  those  whose  sole  aim  is  to  get  money 
by  their  writings,  are  free  of  this  company  and  on  the 
livery. 

To  give  you  a  proper  idea  of  which,  I  shall  read  you  a 
letter,  which  I  stole  the  other  night,  from  the  chairman  of  a 
reading  society  in  the  country,  designed  to  be  sent  to  the 
Reviewers,  critical  and  monthly. 
Gentlemen, 

We  are  what  country  people  call  a  reading  society,  into 
which  we  had  formed  ourselves  some  years  before  the  first 
Review  made  its  public  appearance.  We  had  not  long 
taken  in  books,  before  we  found  several  articles  of  our  pur- 
chase to  be  stolen  from  other  authors ;  and  but  very  few  of 
our  titular  authors,  had  eitlier  honor  or  honesty  enough,  to 
inform  the  public  from  what  sources  they  compiled  their 
volumes.     We  would  advise  all  writers  to  live  upon  their 


OF    DEVILS.  265 

own  proper  genius,  deeming  it  pity  that  pilferers  should  be 
suffered  in  tiie  republic  of  letters.  At  the  last  meeting  of 
our  club,  this  question  was  put  and  canvassed,  "  What  can 
induce  one  writer  to  steal  from  another  1" 

To  this  important  question,  one  replied  one  thing,  and 
another  said  what  he  could  to  confute  it,  as  every  member 
was  willing  to  display  his  abilities ;  at  last,  Dick  Keene,  a 
testy  kind  of  youth,  but  of  good  sense,  gave  us  the  follow- 
ing satisfactory  answer. 

"Very  probably,  said  master  Dick,  some  authors  may 
steal  from  others,  for  the  same  reason,  which  that  cele- 
brated fool  of  old  had,  who  burnt  himself  and  the  temple 
together,  in  order  to  perpetuate  his  name.  There  are 
authors  endued  with  the  same  laudable  ambition,  who,  not 
being  happy  enough  to  be  born  free  in  the  literary  republic, 
are  obliged  to  stoop  to  dishonest  measures,  in  order  to  grati* 
fy  their  ambition.  Their  geniuses  (if  it  be  lawful  to  speak 
of  their  geniuses)  being  destitute  of  every  prolific  principle, 
and  their  fancies  fixed  as  the  Pyrenean  or  the  Alps,  they 
cannot  possibly  gain  repute  but  on  the  credit  of  their  pre- 
decessors. Therefore,  what  frugal  nature,  and  Gamaliel 
have  withheld,  must  be  supplied  by  industrious  freedom; 
and  as  the  end  proposed,  must,  at  all  events,  be  obtained, 
honor,  truth,  and  honesty,  smoke  at  once  on  the  altar  of  am- 
bition. To  work  goes  the  wri'ter,  plunders  every  volume  in 
his  own  and  his  patron's  library,  at  last  completes  his 
scheme;  and  lo!  we  have  an  entire  new  work,  by  the 
learned  Mr.  Dunce.  And  so  it  comes  to  pass,  that  we,  the 
honest  purchasers,  pay  three  or  four  times  over  for  the 
same  matter;  and  perhaps,  in  almost  the  same  manner 
likewise. 

"  There  are  others,  who,  as  a  just  judgment  on  their  for- 
mer indolence  and  extravagance,  are  now  condemned  to 
live  upon  their  wit;  which  being  dull  and  tardy,  somewhat 
akin  to  the  brain  of  an  ass,  of  itself  can  afford  but  a  very 
penurious  table,  and  uncomfortable  lodging.  Bitten  with 
hunger,  the  unhappy  man  is  obliged  to  steal  where  he  can, 
and  tlien  sell  his  ill-gotten  collection  to  the  bookseller,  in 
order  to  procure  a  good  holiday  dinner.  The  bookseller,  I 
believe,  is  pretty  well  convinced  of  the  truth  of  my  re- 
marks, as  he  has  paid  for  his  connexion  with  literary 
thieves. 

X 


266  DIALOGUES 

"  Of  these  two  kinds  of  pilferers,  in  my  humble  opinioir, 
the  latter  is  by  far  the  most  excusable.  He  cannot  work,  he 
is  ashamed  to  beg,  therefore  must  either  steal  or  starve. 
What  can  he  steal  with  more  safety  than  the  works  of  the 
learned  !  in  my  opinion,  there  is  no  more  danger  in  robbing 
a  gentleman  of  his  literary  honor,  than  for  a  statesman  to 
rob  his  mother  country :  few  such  thieves  are  conducted,  by 
the  county  officers,  to  Tyburn.  O  solemn  tree,  what  frauds 
are  committed  against  thee !  Of  how  many  necks,  equi- 
tably thine,  art  thou  cheated  annually !" 

It  was  now  Bill  Candor,  a  good-natured  youth,  interrupt- 
ed him,  thinking  his  reflections  somewhat  severe.  Hold ! 
Mr.  Keene,  I  think  your  reasoning  is  too  full  of  acrimony. 
If  all  transcripts,  extracts,  and  abridgements,  were  to  be 
suppressed,  it  would  be  a  very  great  loss  to  the  public. 
Those  men,  therefore,  who  take  the  trouble  of  such  a  ser- 
vice, deserve  open  acknowledgment,  for  raising  up  valuable 
authors  from  the  vaults  of  oblivion,  instead  of  being  lashed 
with  the  rod  of  merciless  satire,"    To  which  Dick  replied : 

"  That  many  ancient  writings  are  truly  worthy  of  being 
introduced  to  public  view,  I  am  so  far  from  denying,  that  I 
should  deem  it  truly  laudable,  for  any  gentleman  of  capaci- 
ty and  leisure,  to  draw  forth  the  remains  of  antiquity  from 
the  cells  of  obscurity,  and  should  be  one  of  the  first  to  vote 
him  the  most  public  thanks.  But  I  would  have  it  done  in 
such  a  manner,  as  to  come  within  the  reach  of  the  middle 
classes  of  people,  amongst  whom  the  bulk  of  all  sorts  of 
readers  are  found.  ]\Ioreover,  I  would  have  all  writings  on 
religious  subjects  so  contrived,  as  to  come  within  the  reach 
of  the  poor,  for  who  else  give  themselves  any  trouble  about 
religion,  or  have  any  pleasure  in  serious  writings'?  If  a 
commentary  on  the  Bible  must  go  beyond  the  extent  of 
their  finances,  it  might  as  well  be  locked  up  in  Pool's  Sy- 
nopsis, where  it  was  before  the  commentary  was  written. 
Opulent  tradesmen,  you  know,  are  such  slaves  to  the  laws 
of  getting,  that  they  have  no  time  to  read,  and  therefore 
may  prudently  avoid  purcliasing.  And  people  of  fashion  are 
generally  perfectly  satisfied  with  having  such  or  such  books 
in  their  libraries,  without  so  much  as  looking  farther  into 
them  than  the  title-pages.  Surely,  gentlemen,  no  man  is  to 
be  vindicated  in  making  merchandise  of  his  neighbor's  ge- 
nius." 


OF    DEVILS.  2G7 

Here  he  concluded,  and  we  were  soon  convinced,  tliat  there 
was  much  weight  in  his  reasoning.  We  must  beg  leave  to 
tell  you,  gentlemen,  that  when  your  worships  erected  your 
tribunal,  and  every  autiior  was  summoned  to  ai)pear  before 
you,  we  flattered  a  hope,  tliat  all  pilferers  would  have  fled 
out  of  the  republic  of  letters.  But  alas  !  we  have  been  hith- 
erto disappointed,  and  in  reality,  they  seem  to  be  on  the  in- 
crease, so  tliat  a  man  can  hardly  claim  personal  right  to  a 
single  idea,  how  justly  soever  it  may  be  his  property. 

We  earnestly  beg  that  you,  gentlemen,  will  be  obliging 
enough  to  publish  your  aversion  to  this  craft;  to  command 
all  who  are  destitute  both  of  fortune  and  genius  to  reconcile 
lliemselves  to  their  destiny,  and  show  their  submission  to 
tlie  higher  powers,  by  learning  some  handicraft  business,  by 
which  they  may  gain  an  honest  living.  There  are  a  thou- 
sand ways  to  live  in  this  world,  if  that  of  an  author  w^ere  to 
cease.  For  instance,  there  is  carrying  a  musket,  or  beating 
a  drum  by  land,  and  furling  the  sails  by  sea,  cither  of  which 
are  honorable  employments,  when  compared  with  that  of 
book-stealing. 

As  we  know  not  to  whom  we  can  apply,  with  any  degree 
of  success,  but  to  yourselves,  we  must  farther  beg,  that  you 
will  not  only  detect  the  theft  when  you  meet  with  it,  but  do 
as  the  worthy  inhabitants  of  St.  Giles's  do  on  similar  occa- 
sions. That  is,  pursue  the  delinquent  with  a  Stop  thief! 
Stop  thief!  Indeed,  gentlemen,  it  will  not  lessen  you  in  the 
public  esteem,  should  you  commence  even  literary  thief 
catchers.  Should  it  please  you  to  comply  with  our  request, 
we  doubt  not  but  the  streets  which  lead  to  places  of  public 
resort,  will  in  a  few  years  be  well  lined  with  many  authors, 
having  assumed  the  more  honorable  employment  of  a  beggar. 

Thus  the  imposts  would  be  taken  off  from  the  studious ; 
real  authors  would  preserve  their  honor,  no  one  daring  to 
invade  their  rights,  for  fear  of  exposing  themselves  to  public 
infamy.  Perhaps  that  most  villanous  of  all  practices  may 
be  put  a  stop  to ;  we  mean  the  vending  of  cloudy  comment- 
aries on  the  Bible.  Few  people,  we  should  think,  would  be 
fond  of  purchasing  such  books,  after  they  are  informed  that 
most  of  the  materials  are  stolen.  Effectually  to  put  a  stop 
to  this  iniquitous  practice,  we  would  recommend  the  publi- 
•cation  of  the  above  named  Synopsis  m  English,  and  then 


268  DIALOGUES 

every  reader  may  take  what  human  sense  of  the  divine 
word  he  pleases.  We  are,  gentlemen,  your  most  humble 
servants, 

A  Reading  Society. 

Fastosus.  Indeed,  cousin,  I  think  the  request  of  that 
society  reasonable  enough,  and  ought  to  be  granted :  for,  as 
the  world  now  goes,  it  is  a  difficult  matter  for  a  man  to 
know  to  whom  he  is  obliged,  for  any  profitable  hint  he  meets 
with  in  the  course  of  his  reading.  And  flimsy  as  modern 
productions  in  general  are,  there  is  now  and  then  a  profita- 
ble hint  to  be  met  with.  But  when  any  thing  of  a  recom- 
mendatory quality  happens  to  emerge  from  the  teeming  press, 
the  whole  race  of  catch-penny  imitators  swarm  about  it, 
and  gobble  it  up,  then  spew  it  out,  as  if  it  were  their  own. 
However,  cousin,  it  must  be  owned,  that  there  are  some  of 
your  mercenary  scribblers,  who  are  much  more  honorable 
than  others ;  and  let  the  public  know,  that  what  they  write 
is  not  the  fruit  of  their  own  genius,  but  is  borrowed  from 
this  or  that  respectable  author,  under  pretence  of  making  it 
more  public,  on  account  of  its  great  excellency.  They  de- 
sire not  to  rob  the  author  of  his  honor !  All  they  deem  ne- 
cessary, is  a  loan  of  his  genius  to  supply  the  defects  of  their 
own,  and  to  help  them  a  little  forward  in  the  world. 

But  of  all  writers,  commend  me  to  polemic  divines.  O ! 
it  would  be  a  pleasure  to  the  devil  himself,  to  see  with 
what  dexterity  they  put  off  their  own  anger,  under  the 
name  of  zeal  for  God ;  just  as  the  industrious  tradesmen  of 
Birmingham  do  their  manufacture  for  the  coin  of  the  nation. 
It  is  amazing  to  think  how  Protestant  ministers  can  lug  the 
Almighty  into  both  sides  of  their  quarrel :  and  how  they 
would  make  the  world  believe  that  their  cause  is  the  cause 
of  heaven,  and  that  they  have  got  authority  to  dispense  the 
curses  of  the  Most  High.  Nothing  can  be  more  pleasing, 
than  to  see  men  of  wisdom  and  religion,  vigorously  contend- 
ing for  their  own  honor,  and  at  the  same  time  makmg  the 
public  believe  they  have  nothing  in  view  but  the  Redeem- 
er's glory.  And  I  assure  you,  it  is  not  every  divine,  even 
of  great  parts,  who  takes  time  to  distmguish  between  the 
glory  of  God  and  his  own  reputation. 

Next  to  tliis,  I  am  delighted  to  see  men  of  learning  and 


OP    DEVILS.  269 

religion,  bickcrinnf  with  each  oilier  about  subjects  which  the 
greatest  of  all  apostles  would  not  presume  to  pry  into.  But 
we  have  divines  so  expert,  that  they  understand  what  never 
was  revealed  ;  and  no  zealous  that  they  will  oblige  otliers  to 
have  tlie  same  degree  of  intelligence  with  themselves,  under 
pain  of  their  implacable  displeasure ;  and  yet  they  are  the 
true  ministers  of  the  meek  and  loving  Savior.  But  a  very 
few  are  to  be  met  with,  who  have  humility  enough  to  sub- 
mit to  the  simplicity  of  scripture.  However,  cousin,  although 
I  love  to  set  forth  my  own  powerful  influence,  I  would  not 
willingly  prevent  your  proceeding  with  your  story.  Mean- 
while, I  want  you  to  be  more  explicit,  with  regard  to  your 
company  of  letter  venders.  Do  you  mean  by  them  printers 
in  general  ? 

AvARO.  No,  gentlemen,  I  do  not  mean,  either  all  the 
booksellers  or  printers.  Printing  has  been  to  mankind  one 
of  the  greatest  of  all  temporal  blessings ;  and  will,  I  much 
fear,  be  the  total  ruin  of  the  kingdom  of  darkness ;  as,  w^her- 
ever  the  freedom  of  Tie  press  is  suffered,  it  carries  reforma- 
tion along  with  it.  But,  amongst  those  concerned  in  literary 
affairs,  there  are  many  villanous  people,  w'ho,  when  their 
trade  runs  low,  take  up  with  printing  corrupting  novels,  such 
as  the  Memoirs  of  a  Woman  of  Pleasure ;  blasphemous  plays, 
such  as  Sammy  Foote's  Minor;  schismatic  harangues,  like 
the  greater  part  of  political  essays;  vain  disputes  about 
things  of  trivial  import,  &c.  All  such,  and  many  such  there 
be,  we  rank  with  the  false  publishers,  because  truth  and 
falsehood  are,  with  them,  of  equal  value,  and  their  choice  is 
fixed  by  w^hat  will  serve  a  present  turn.  The  patriotic  al- 
derman is  a  leading  man  in  this  learned  company.  He  has 
not  learned  so  little  by  the  gift  of  second-sight,  which  he 
has  had  from  his  cradle,  as  not  to  know,  that  more  than  truth 
is  indispensably  necessary,  to  support  some  particular  per- 
sonal characters.  Besides,  there  are  others,  who  will  sell 
both  soul  and  body  to  the  father  of  lies,  m  defence  of  some 
particular  state :  and  others,  to  ruin  some  public  character. 
The  celebrated  Mr.  Maubert,  of  Brussels,  is  a  great  man  in 
this  way. 

Free  of  this  company,  are  another  set  of  men,  implacable 

enemies  to  honest  industry,  who  live  altogether  by  their  wit ; 

appear  in  all  shapes  and  characters,  and  stick  at  nothing  to 

get  money.     Although  these  people  have  nothing  but  gri- 

X2 


270  DIALOGUES 

mace  to  sell,  (through  a  folly,  formerly  almost  peculiar  to 
the  metropolis,  but  now  diffusing  itself  everywhere)  they 
have,  for  six  months  in  the  year,  a  very  plentiful  market ; 
and  many,  who  would  suffer  the  miserable  to  perish  unre- 
lieved at  their  gates,  will  liberally  contribute  to  support  the 
luxury  and  libertinism  of  the  players.  In  the  days  of  yore, 
the  devil  Proteus  was,  but  now  David  Garrick,  Esq.  is,  their 
foreman;  a  fast  friend  to  our  government,  and  a  faithful 
disciple  of  careful  Avaro. 

DiscoRDANS.  I  think  you  must  be  mistaken  now,  cousin ; 
for  the  end  of  all  theatrical  entertainments,  which  I  perceive 
you  have  in  view,  is  the  exposing  of  vice  and  reformation 
of  manners :  consequently,  their  design  was  originally  re- 
ligious. 

Avaro.  I  allow,  that  in  the  darkness  of  paganism,  the 
ancients  had  a  religious  design,  in  exhibitions  of  the  stage ; 
but  what  of  thatl  They  had  likewise  a  religious  design,  in 
passing  their  children  through  the  fire  to  Moloch.  I  allow, 
farther,  that  in  the  days  of  monkish  ignorance,  these  blink- 
ing priests  made  use  of  the  stage  to  convey  their  instruc- 
tions ;  but  then  it  ought  to  be  observed  that  the  same  fathers 
were  equally  pious  and  devout,  in  persecuting  the  best  of 
men.  So  then,  cousin,  the  one  is  as  much  authorized  by 
ancient  practice  as  the  other.  Indeed,  when  you  consider 
that  the  stage  is  peopled  by  extravagant,  spendthrift  gentle- 
men, broken  tradesmen  and  lazy  mechanics,  who  always 
were  avowed  enemies  to  moral  integrity,  they  will  appear 
to  be  a  very  unpromising  race  of  reformers. 

Should  you  follow  them  from  the  stage  to  their  lodgings, 
and  trace  their  steps  through  the  lanes  of  private  life,  you 
would  soon  be  convinced,  that  Sir  John  Fielding's  runners 
bid  much  more  fair  than  they,  for  reformmg  the  manners 
of  the  people.  And  you  know,  the  said  runners  have  never 
as  yet  been  considered  as  the  most  respectable  characters. 
Surely  it  must  be  thought  requisite  in  those  who  set  up  for 
reformers  of  others,  that,  in  some  tolerable  degree,  they 
should  moralize  themselves. 

DiscoRDANs.  I  know  it,  cousin ;  and  I  thwarted  you  on 
purpose,  to  see  how  you  could  justify  your  claim  upon  the 
gentry  of  the  stage  ;  and  must  confess  you  have  done  it  to 
my  satisfaction,  I  am  highly  pleased  with  the  entertain- 
ments of  the  theatre  myself,  and  am  greatly  delighted  to 


OF    DEVILS.  271 

see  gentlemen  and  ladies  crowd  to  them.  Gentry,  who 
would  worship  God  in  neither  church  nor  meeting-house, 
can  be  devout  enough  to  attend  the  theatres,  in  Covent  Gar- 
den and  the  IJay  Market.  It  is  truly  pleasing  to  see  gen- 
tlemen and  ladies,  who  cannot  possibly  find  money  to  pay 
off  tlieir  tradesmen's  bills,  find  plenty  of  cash  to  purchase 
playhouse  tickets. 

Infidelis.  As  we  came  along,  cousin  Discordans,  you 
mentioned  some  sport  you  lately  had  with  two  female  com- 
panions.   Pray,  what  of  them  1 

Discordans.  You  must  know,  Leonora  and  Matilda  have 
been  intimate  from  their  infancy ;  and,  as  such,  continued 
their  friendship  even  to  mature  life  :  but,  when  both  be- 
came wives  and  mothers,  I  taught  them  to  behave  more  in- 
consistently than  they  did  when  they  were  children.  Ma- 
tilda, being  quite  fatigued  with  domestic  concerns,  for  atten- 
tion to  which  her  mind  is  not  very  happily  turned,  resolved 
one  day  to  spend  an  afternoon  with  her  friend  Leonora.  When 
she  went,  she  found  her  exceedingly  depressed  and  hysterical, 
by  no  means  in  a  talkative  humor ;  a  circumstance  which 
frequently  happens  to  the  ladies  of  middle  rank,  ever  since 
luxury  and  idleness  became  so  prevalent  amongst  them. 

Matilda,  not  being  sufficiently  skilled  in  physiognomy, 
to  read  the  sentiments  of  the  heart  by  the  position  of  the 
features  of  the  countenance,  was  led  into  a  mistake,  which 
proved  fatal  to  their  friendship.  She  discovered,  or  thought 
she  discovered  an  unusual  and  unexpected  shyness  run 
through  every  part  of  Leonora's  conduct ;  which  discovery 
proved  no  slight  mortification  to  her  own  sensibility.  Said 
she  to  herself,  '  Well,  Leonora,  I  perceive,  notwithstanding 
all  your  formal  civility,  that  my  company  is  not  the  object 
of  your  present  desire.  I  wish  I  had  been  aware  of  it  in 
time  !  Then,  I  assure  you,  my  presence  should  not  have 
drawn  a  cloud  over  that  settled  countenance  of  yours.  But, 
indeed,  madam,  let  my  company  be  ever  so  disagreeable  to 
you,  yours,  I  assure  you,  is  now  very  little  more  pleasant  to 
me.' 

Whilst  she  was  meditating  some  plausible  pretext  for 
withdrawing,  the  tea  was  unhappily  brought  in,  which  pre- 
cluded her  removal  for  a  little  while  longer.  Thus  con- 
strained by  decency  to  stay,  her  glowing  resentment  of  tlie 
supposed  slight,  forbid  her  to  taste  a  morsel  of  the  toast,  or 


272  DIALOGUES 

to  drink  above  two  dishes  of  tea.  Having  finished,  she  pre- 
tended she  must  retire  on  some  urgent  business,  which  had 
just  occurred  to  her  mind,  (for  ladies  will  lie  to  serve  a 
turn)  and  after  a  dry  compliment  or  two  she  went  ofi'  re- 
solved never  to  return. 

As  she  went  along  the  streets,  her  wounded  heart  boiled 
with  a  thousand  cogitations,  how  or  when  she  had  offended 
Leonora.  '  What  have  I  done,  or  said,  that  should  have 
given  her  umbrage  1  I  know  of  nothing :  and  therefore  I 
care  not  for  her  anger.  If  people  will  be  so  odd  in  their 
temper,  they  must  even  come  to  themselves  at  their  leisure. 
And  so  your  servant,  Leonora.' 

Infidelis.  That  was  a  visit  more  innocent  than  many  I 
have  known,  for  I  hear  nothing  of  slander,  or  defamation  of 
absent  characters,  carried  on  in  it,  which  very  rarely  hap- 
pens to  be  neglected  in  female  visits. 

DiscoRDANS.  True,  sir,  but  the  matter  did  not  end  here.  / 
Poor  Matilda,  being  unable  to  bear  the  conceived  slight, 
made  free  to  call  on  Letitia,  on  her  way  home,  that  she 
might  give  a  little  vent  to  her  turbulent  passions.  Letitia, 
being  as  destitute  of  innate  ideas,  as  she  is  of  fidelity,  readily 
listened  to  the  plaintive  account,  how  Matilda  had  been 
served ;  without  hesitation  approved  her  departure,  kindly 
fanned  the  flame  of  resentment,  and  at  last  advised  her  to 
let  Leonora  come  to  herself  when  she  should  find  it  conve- 
nient. 

Matilda  had  not  been  long  gone,  before  Letitia,  who 
burned  with  impatience  to  have  a  little  tittle-tattle,  went  to 
Ijeonora,  and  set  Mischief  abroad  with  her  also.  She  told 
her  all  the  former  had  said  of  her,  and  happily  gave  it  such 
a  turn  as  to  render  it  very  offensive,  notwithstanding  she 
kept  strictly  to  the  letter  of  truth.  Some  people  are  re- 
markably happy  in  talents  of  this  kind :  by  their  manner 
of  representation,  they  can  turn  things  quite  from  their  nat- 
ural appearance,  as  I  may  perhaps  show  you  in  some  future 
conference.  Leonora  could  not  but  think  herself  very  ill- 
used,  and  resolved,  weakly  as  she  was,  that  she  should  be  a 
slave  to  nobody's  temper. 

When  Matilda  and  Leonora  met  next  time,  being  prepos- 
sessed with  mutual  disgust,  their  compliments  were  dry 
and  starched  ;  and  each  secretly  blamed  the  indifference  of 
the  other.    By  this  time,  I  furnished  each  of  them  with  a 


OF    DEVILS.  273 

telescope,  by  which  they  might  tlioroughly  examine  eacli 
other's  conduct,  and  so  reciprocally  strict  is  their  mutual 
watch,  that  nothing  can  escape  them.  Thus  from  the 
smallest  beg-innino-,  founded  too  in  misunderstanding",  I 
raised  perpetual  disgust  and  enmity.  Absurd  and  ridiculous 
as  this  is,  I  could  point  you  out  a  thousand  differences, 
sprung  from  incidents  equally  frivolous  and  unimportant. 
Indeed,  if  Freedom  and  Submission  keep  at  a  distance,  I  can 
blow  up  a  flame  of  contention  the  most  violent,  from  tlie 
smallest  matters  imaginable.  And  I  thank  my  stars,  Messrs. 
Freedom  and  Submission  are  in  no  great  esteem  witli  man- 
kind. But,  wherever  they  come,  they  destroy  my  seeds, 
and  effectually  extinguish  my  flames,  for  they  are  irresisti- 
ble peace-makers. 

Fastosus,  It  is  I,  my  son,  who  have  brought  those  gen- 
tlemen into  disrepute.  I  persuade  people,  it  is  beneath 
them  to  submit  to  their  equals,  how  much  soever  they  have 
been  in  the  wrong.  I  have,  ere  now,  persuaded  one  man 
to  do  all  he  could,  to  ruin  the  reputation  of  his  neighbor  in 
order  to  establish  his  own,  when  he  found  it  in  a  tottering 
condition ;  and  that  too  amongst  those  who  take  themselves 
to  be  more  righteous  than  others. 

Discord A>'s.  I  have  great  pleasure,  sometimes,  in  making 
parents  become  the  instruments  of  their  children's  ruin. 
Or,  as  some  people  say,  to  kill  them  with  kmdness.  I 
make  it  my  business  to  prejudice  almost  every  parent,  so  far 
in  favor  of  his  children,  that  every  one  considers  his  own  as 
the  most  witty  and  active ;  or,  to  use  the  words  of  a  good 
woman,  concerning  her  son  of  two  years  old,  the  most  man- 
ly of  any  child  ui  the  neighborhood,  even  as  the  crow  con- 
ceives her  orni  to  be  fairer  tlian  all  the  children  of  the 
feathered  people. 

I  shall  trouble  you  but  with  one  instance,  out  of  the  mil- 
lions I  might  produce.  Little  master  Jacky  M^as  one  of 
those  extraordinary  children,  whose  almost  every  action 
was  out  of  the  common  way,  the  wonder  and  admiration  of 
his  astonished  parents.  Jacky  must  not  be  chid,  when  he 
pinched,  bit,  or  scratched  his  nurse,  but  must  have  his  own 
pretty  little  humor  ;  it  was  even  pleasing  to  see  his  lovely 
fist  darted  into  his  parents'  faces.  So,  you  may  be  sure,  the 
child  must  not  be  suffered  to  cry  upon  any  account,  but 
must  always  be  indulged  m  whatever  he  wanted.    Thus 


274  DIALOGUES 

this  extraordinary  child,  in  whom,  however,  none  besides  hi« 
parents  could  see  any  thing  out  of  the  common  way,  not- 
withstanding every  visitor  was  plagued  with  the  history  of 
his  wonderful  feats,  upon  which  his  parents  dwelt  with  rap- 
tures ; — I  say,  Jacky  found  himself  master  of  the  whole 
family ;  he  acted  accordmgly,  and  took  his  way  m  every 
particular. 

By  these  means  his  tempers  gained  strength,  so  that  they 
became  habitual,  not  to  be  broken  by  ordinary  means. 

When  he  got  a  few  more  years  over  his  head,  still  grow- 
ing in  his  humor,  the  poor  parents  began  to  see  and  lament 
the  errors  of  their  former  conduct.  Too  late :  master  Jacky 
being  now  in  breeches  and  grown  a  great  boy,  will  not 
readily  give  back  that  dominion  they  were  pleased  to  put 
into  his  hands,  when  but  in  petticoats.  He  thinks  it  very 
hard  he  should  not  choose  for  himself  now  he  is  ten,  as  well 
as  when  he  was  but  three  years  old  ;  rightly  judging,  that 
he  was  not  more  wise  then  than  he  is  now ;  and  if  they 
thought  him  fit  to  be  all  their  masters  then,  he  is  sure  that 
by  this  time  he  is  much  more  fit  to  govern. 

Apprehensive  now  of  the  ruin  of  his  son,  the  father  ex- 
hibits exhortations,  injunctions,  reproofs,  and  threatenings, 
with  great  severity.  In  vain,  for  not  being  bended  whilst 
tender  and  malleable,  master's  tempers  are  not  now  to  be 
turned  out  of  their  native  channel.  As,  in  former  times,  I 
plied  the  parents,  in  prejudice  of  their  darling,  it  was  now 
time  to  ply  him  also  in  his  turn.  I  furnished  him  a  pair  of 
glasses,  and  directed  him  in  the  use  of  them ;  and  now  the 
youth  began  to  reason  upon  his  father's  conduct. 

",What  a  change  is  this  come  to  my  father  ?  Once  he  was 
something  like  good-natured,  but  now  he  is  the  most  self- 
willed  and  rigorous  man  in  the  world.  Surely  no  reason- 
able person  would  impose  such  laws  upon  his  children  as  he 
does  on  me ;  laws,  such  as  nobody  of  any  spirit  would  submit 
to.  I  was  formerly  his  pretty  lad,  his  good  boy,  and  every 
tiling  I  did  was  right.  Times  are  strangely  changed ;  for 
now  I  can  do  nothing  to  please  him.  I  could  have  had  what 
I  would,  and  gone  where  I  pleased ;  but  now  I  am  perplexed 
with  warm  exhortations,  which  I  hear  unreasonably  frequent; 
and  can  go  nowhere,  without  his  leave,  as  if  I  had  no  more 
sense  now,  than  when  I  was  little.  His  reproofs  are  too 
haxsh ;  I  hear  of  nothing  but  my  stubbprnness  and  wicked- 


OF    DEVILS.  275 

ness ;  of  his  and  my  mother's  sorrow;  and  of  breaking  their 
hearts,  on  my  account.  I  should  break  none  of  their  hearts, 
I  assure  them,  if  they  would  let  me  alone. 

"  Cannot  my  father  and  mother  grieve  for  themselves,  and 
not  teaze  me  about  tlieir  trouble  ?  I  am  no  worse  than  my 
neighbors ;  though,  by  tlieir  account,  1  might  be  the  wick- 
edest wretch  that  ever  lived.  It  is  not  enough  that  I  must  go 
to  church  on  holidays,  but  we  must  have  lectures  on  divinity 
at  home ;  and  for  me,  T  am  roundly  told,  that  if  I  go  on  as  I 
do,  I  must  certainly  perish.  Yes,  I  must  even  be  damned 
and  go  to  hell.  Old  people  are  surely  very  conceited ;  I 
will  warrant  me  they  think  they  are  so  very  good,  they  are 
sure  to  go  to  heaven.  It  is  a.  brave  thing  to  have  a  good 
opinion  of  one's  self,  which  surely  must  be  their  case,  or 
they  would  never  plague  me  thus  with  their  repeated  lec- 
tures. Well,  for  my  own  part,  I  am  not  so  vain,  and  yet  I 
think  I  am  in  no  greater  danger  than  they  are.  When  they 
were  young,  I  dare  say,  they  loved  pleasure  as  well  as  me ; 
but  now  they  get  old  and  cannot  relish  it  themselves,  they 
would  absurdly  restrain  me  from  it.  Reasonable  parents 
ought  not  to  form  their  commands  upon  what  they  now  are, 
but  what  they  were  when  of  my  age.  But  I  am  determined 
to  submit  to  no  such  government.  I  will  even  take  my 
pleasure  whilst  I  can  have  it,  and  let  them  grieve  on  if  they 
choose." 

Thus,  gentlemen,  I  persuade  many  to  lay  up  future  afflic- 
tions for  themselves,  in  the  early  ruin  of  their  children,  by 
over-indulgence.  I  say,  early  ruin  ;  for,  if  little  master  is 
not  taught  to  submit  to  government  whilst  in  petticoats,  it  is 
much  if  he  ever  learns  submission  after  he  is  in  breeches. 
He  who  always  had  his  own  way  when  but  an  infant,  will  take 
it  very  ill  to  be  restrained  when  he  rises  towards  manhood.* 
Yet  some,  yea  many  parents,  will  let  their  children  do  as 
they  please,  wJiilst  but  little,  and  increase  in  their  strictness 
as  they  advance  in  years,  so  that  they  become  mutual  afflic- 
tions to  each  other.  In  manhood  you  know  children  should 
be  used  by  their  parents  as  friends  and  confidants,  instead 
of  being  kept  at  an  awful  distance.  Yet  those  very  parents, 
who  have  laid  the  foundation  of  their  son's  ruin,  by  early  in- 
dulgence in  his  infancy,  very  oflen  complete  it  by  unseason- 

*NVide  Locke  on  Education. 


276  DIALOGUES 

able  strictness  over  him,  when  he  is  verging  towards  man's 
estate.  You  know  parents  should  always  act,  so  as  that  their 
company  shall  never  be  burdensome  to  their  children.  But 
I  shall  become  a  moralist  if  I  go  on  thus. 

Impiator.  Many  such  youths  as  master  Jacky  fall  into 
ray  hands.  If  once  they  can,  by  any  means,  be  brought  to 
despise  reproof,  I  reckon  myself  quite  sure  of  them ;  and 
when  they  come,  I  commonly  employ  them  in  my  deepest 
mines. 

Infidelis.  It  is  always  a  hopeful  sign,  when  the  heart  is 
hardened  against  reproof  If  a  young  one  can  be  brought 
to  despise  the  commands,  reproofs,  and  advice  of  his  parents, 
he  bids  fair  for  being  one  of  the  devils'  companions  for  ever ; 
and,  indeed,  nothing  but  the  grace  of  God  can  prevent  it. 
It  is  very  agreeable  to  us  to  see  how  happily  successful  our 
influences  are  over  mankind,  especially  in  Britain.  There, 
many  parents  bring  up  their  children,  just  as  if  they  de- 
signed them  purposely  for  the  devil.  I  have  great  hopes  of 
the  next  generation,  gentlemen. 

Discord ANS.  I  make  myself  very  merry  with  the  ladies, 
in  another  way,  which  also  turns  eventually  to  everlasting 
separation.  I  join  a  little  knot  of  them  together  so  closely 
for  a  time,  that  they  cannot  be  separated,  nor  bear  to  be 
asunder  for  a  day  together.  I  prejudice  them  so  strongly 
for  a  while  in  each  other's  favor,  that  they  show  a  manifest 
slight  to  those  who  are  not  happy  enough  to  be  admitted  into 
their  society.  Family  necessity,  and  every  domestic  duty, 
must  give  place  to  their  firm  attachment  to  one  another. 
When  they  get  together  for  a  little  chit-chat,  they  are  as 
happy  as  the  birds  in  May ;  not  only  examine  every  absent 
character,  within  the  circle  of  their  acquaintance,  and  report 
to  each  other  all  the  evil  they  know  of  their  own  sex :  but 
each  dwells  severally  upon  tiie  excellencies  or  failings  of 
her  husband ;  who  is,  at  one  time,  the  best  of  men,  at  an- 
other time  the  worst,  just  as  her  ladyship  happens  to  be  in  a 
good  or  bad  humor  with  him.  Thus  they  go  on,  until  every 
one  is  fully  acquainted  with  the  family  affairs  of  the  rest, 
and  thus  they  bring  themselves  into  the  power  of  one  another. 
This  is  the  zenith  of  tiiat  happiness  to  which  I  am  to  bring 
them;  for  even  the  devil  will  give  present  happiness,  in 
order  to  introduce  future  pain  and  sorrow ;  and  I  assure  you, 


OF    DEVILS.  277 

I  am  too  much  akin  to  my  worthy  grandfather,  to  suffer  that 
fehcity  to  go  long  uninterrupted. 

First,  I  sow  a  spirit  of  jealousy  among  them :  says  Chloe, 
"  Delia  seems  more  attached  to  Phillis  than  to  myself  or 
Lucia ;  Portia  is  never  happy  but  when  her  and  Arabella 
are  togetlier."  And  so,  round  the  whole  club,  the  spirit  of 
jealousy  happily  operates,  and  gathers  strength  by  every 
day's  duration. 

It  is  not  to  be  thought  that  a  whole  society,  whp  can  cor- 
dially join  in  picking  holes,  according  to  the  old  proverb,  in 
their  neighbor's  clothes,  can  long  refrain  from  doing  as  much 
for  one  another.  Now  they  begin  to  meet,  two  and  two,  ac- 
cording to  their  various  attachments,  and  those  two  who  hap- 
pen to  meet  together,  regale  themselves  with  a  very  pleasant 
conversation,  about  the  faults  and  weaknesses  of  those  who 
are  absent,  and  thus  round  the  whole  society  they  serve  one 
another.  By  and  by  it  is  whispered  what  Chloe  said  at  such 
a  place  about  Phillis;  what  Lucia  said  of  Arabella,  &c.  until 
I  blow  them  all  up  in  a  pleasing  flame  of  resentment ;  and 
every  one  says  the  worst  she  knows  of  her  neighbor,  v/hich 
commonly  is  a  great  deal.  Out  come  personal  faults  along 
with  family  affairs,  and  a  hundred  etceteras,  and  those  very 
ladies  sit  down,  just  as  the  devil  would  have  them,  in  impla- 
cable hatred  to  each  other. 

Infidelis.  I  pray,  what  do  you  smile  at,  Avaro? 

AvARO.  I  was  thinking  on  an  encounter  I  had  with  the 
devil  Limatio,  whom  I  accidentally  met  last  night,  with  his 
hair  standing  upright,  and  his  eyes  flaming  with  madness. 

Fastosus.  And  pray,  v/here  had  that  mad-brained  devil 
been  I     What  account  could  he  give  of  himself? 

AvARO.  He  was  quite  snappish  with  me,  and  ran  on  in 
his  discourse,  as  if  he  had  been  very  angry.  There,  said  he, 
is  my  father  Infidelis,  there  is  uncle  Fastosus,  they  reign  un- 
controlled orer  the  greatest  part  of  mankind  ;  they  are  ca- 
ressed, even  adored,  by  the  most  respectable  characters  in 
both  church  and  state.  You  yourself,  grovelling  as  you  are, 
reioTi  an  absolute  monarch  in  the  will  and  affections  of  many 
eminent  personages ;  but  I  am  hackneyed  by  the  basest,  and 
when  I  have  done,  am  denied  the  honor  of  my  labors,  and 
people  are  taught  to  believe  that  I  reign  only  over  the  bed- 
lams, and  other  mad-houses  of  the  world.  Whereas  I  could 
make  it  appear  to  all  the  infernal  divan,  that  there  are  people 


278  DIALOGUES 

who  go  about  at  large,  and  are  deemed  in  their  perfect  senses^ 
more  mad  than  any  in  bedlam. 

Well  then,  said,  ^,  brother  fiend,  stop  and  give  me  a  sober 
account  of  your  proceedings,  and  I  assure  you  I  shall  give 
you  all  due  acknowledgment. 

Lunatic.  I  have,  replied  he  abruptly,  a  great  deal  of  busi- 
ness among  statesmen,  to  drive  people  to  their  levees,  which 
they  dearly  love  to  have  crowded,  and  which  never  could  be 
without  my  assistance,  For  who  would  attend  the  levee  of 
my  lord  Superbo,  or  of  his  grace  the  duke  of  Parkland,  un- 
less he  first  turned  fool  1  Would  any  man  feed  on  the  prom- 
ise of  a  courtier,  if  he  were  not  mad  1  The  dinner  of  the 
cameleon  is  as  weighty  as  the  promise  of  the  greatest  states- 
man, were  it  even  confirmed  by  a  smile  of  the  countenance 
and  a  grasp  of  the  hand ;  for  it  all  means  no  more  than  "  I 
am  glad  to  see  you  thicken  my  levee."  There  is  never  a 
levee  day  but  I  am  obliged  to  bestir  myself  to  drive  the  fools 
together. 

If  the  premier,  or  the  head  man  of  any  department,  finds 
himself  on  the  decline,  and  that  he  shall,  without  some  good 
assistance,  be  obliged  to  resign ;  that  is,  be  turned  out  of 
his  place ;  I  am  beseeched  to  procure  some  verbose,  intrepid 
scribbler,  to  cry  up  his  abilities  and  proceedings,  as  much 
superior  to  those  of  all  his  predecessors,  for  time  immemo- 
rial. But  a  man  must  first  be  reduced  to  a  state  of  lunacy, 
before  he  will  venture  on  a  work  so  difficult,  and  which  is 
likely  to  be  but  very  ill  rewarded.  In  the  first  place,  he  is 
likely  to  have  truth  and  fact  to  overturn,  before  the  end  can 
be  obtained ;  and  these,  you  know,  are  stubborn  and  obsti- 
nate. In  the  second  place,  if  he  is  liappy  enough  to  suc- 
ceed, and  sets  down  his  patron  firmly  in  his  chair  again,  he 
is  soon  made  to  understand  that  his  service  has  done  him 
little  or  no  good ;  he  is  thanked  for  his  good  intention ;  but 
is  given  to  know,  that  things  would  have  been  just  as  they 
are,  if  no  defence  at  all  had  been  made.  If  his  patron  is 
turned  out,  the  scribbler  is  blamed  for  having  omitted  some- 
thing which  might  have  been  of  service,  instead  of  being 
rewarded  for  what  he  has  done.  So  that,  at  all  events,  he 
must  come  off"  loser ;  and  therefore  none  but  a  madman  will 
venture  on  the  undertaking. 

The  lawyers  also  would,  but  for  my  influences,  be  obliged 
to  drive  teams,  or  follow  plows ;  for  who  but  madmen  would 


OF    DEVILS.  279 

ever  find  them  employment?  But  in  consequence  of  their 
firm  attachment  to  our  government,  I  persuade  some  to  ex- 
pose themselves,  by  slowness  of  payment  of  their  just  debts, 
to  tlie  fangs  of  the  lawyers ;  others,  to  quarrel  about  trifles, 
and  refer  tiie  matters  to  them  for  decision.  Sometimes  I 
advise  a  father  to  leave  his  daughter  under  the  guardianship 
of  an  attorney,  or  an  uncle  to  leave  his  estate  to  his  minor 
nephew%  under  the  care  and  inspection  of  a  counsellor; 
either  of  which  is  likely  to  be  a  lucrative  job  to  the  gentle- 
men of  the  law.  You  know  very  well,  continued  he,  that 
none  but  madmen  will  ever  refer  their  differences  to  the 
decision  of  those  gentlemen,  whilst  there  are  three  honest 
men  to  be  met  with  in  the  nation  ;  nor  will  any  man  in  his 
right  mind,  ever  leave  an  attorney  [executor  to  his  will. 

There  are  abundance  of  people,  who  live  above  their 
revenues,  and  others  still,  who  have  abundance,  but  dare 
not  make  use  of  it,  dare  scarcely  allow  themselves  the  com- 
mon necessaries  of  life,  for  fear  of  future  poverty.  I  have 
known  a  lady  of  sixty,  possessed  of  two  or  three  thousand 
pounds  per  annum,  actually  afraid  of  dyin^  for  want.  Those 
gentry  are  all  under  my  dominion.  Besides,  a  very  great 
share  of  my  influence  rests  on  many  others,  who  are  griev- 
ously oppressed  with  troubles  that  never  happen.  Some  are 
so  remarkably  ingenious,  as  to  apprehend  difficulties  for 
themselves  and  offspring,  for  a  great  many  years  to  come, 
as  if  the  evil  of  the  day  were  not  sufficient  of  itself. 

Stop,  Lunatio,  said  I,  there  you  touch  me  sensibly.  I  will 
not  thus  give  up  my  careful  subjects.  True,  replied  he,  but 
you  and  I  may  play  into  one  another's  hands.  Arid,  although 
I  allow  them  to  be  yours,  it  is  easy  to  see  abundance  of  mad- 
ness in  their  disposition  and  conduct.  What  wisdom,  I  pray 
you,  is  there  in  any  man's  burdening  himself  to-day,  with 
what  may  or  may  not  happen  a  twelvemonth  hence  T  Less 
still,  in  pretending  to  foresee  what  may  happen  in  future ; 
seeing  all  future  events  are  locked  up  in  the  council  of  the 
eternal  mmd. 

There  are  people  of  property,  who  sink  their  rents,  fell 
their  timber,  mortgage  their  estates,  in  giving  grand  enter- 
tainmxonts  to  hungry  visitants  and  hangers-on,  after  the  ex- 
ample of  Timon  of  Athens,  in  order  to  be  thought  generous 
and  great.  Not  once  considering,  that  the  nearest  way  to 
esteem  is  still  to  preserve  the  golden  cord  in  the  hands  of 


280  DIALOGUES 

the  owner.  Let  all  be  once  spent,  the  insatiable  hangers- 
on,  who  crowd  the  plenteous  table,  will  drop  off  like  leaves 
in  autumn ;  and  if  the  wretch  retains  the  loving  regard  of 
Argus  his  dog,  he  must  expect  no  more.  Away  with  the 
fool  to  Bedlam !  He  ought  to  go  no  longer  without  shackles. 

Parents  there  are,  so  dotingly  fond  of  their  children,  that 
they  strip  themselves  of  their  possessions,  in  order  to  make 
them  respectable  in  the  world,  long  enough  before  their  own 
lives  are  at  a  period ;  leaving  their  future  support  to  the 
good-nature  and  mercy  of  the  dear  boy  or  girl,  who,  it  is 
thought,  are  so  well  disposed  as  to  be  incapable  of  ingrati- 
tude to  those  who  gave  them  being.  But,  let  the  dear  boy 
or  girl  once  get  tlie  parents'  estate  into  their  power,  and  they 
will  give  them  occasion  enough  to  lament  their  folly,  when 
every  shilling  received  shall  come  with  a  very  intelligible 
frown.  The  language  of  which,  to  the  parent,  is,  "  I  wish 
you  were  once  in  your  grave."  Such  parents  ought  to  be 
provided  for  at  the  public  expense,  and  kept  in  some  place 
of  confinement,  like  other  lunatics. 

Other  parents,  to  avoid  falling  into  an  error  which  they 
foresee  may  be  productive  of  great  personal  inconvenience, 
with  an  equal  degree  of  madness  flee  into  the  opposite  ex- 
treme. They  can  find  in  their  hearts  to  part  with  nothing 
whilst  they  live ;  they  will  find  some  plausible  pretext  or 
other,  for  which  they  will  retain  the  sole  possession  of  their 
goods  and  chattels ;  rather  than  give  a  suitable  measure  of 
parental  assistance,  will  suffer  the  young  people  to  begin 
the  world  under  all  possible  disadvantages.  Send  such  pa- 
rents to  Newgate,  I  say ;  for  they  are  worse  than  mad ! 

You  do  me  injustice  again,  Avaro,  in  claiming  the  sole 
power  to  yourself,  over  parents,  who  will  oppress  their  ser- 
vants, overreach  their  neighbors,  grind  the  faces  of  the  poor, 
and  sell  their  souls  to  the  devil,  in  order  to  procure  fortunes 
for  their  children.  This  is  so  far  from  answering  the  end 
proposed,  in  gaining  the  love  and  esteem  of  the  young  peo- 
ple, that  it  has  quite  a  contrary  tendency.  The  greater  the 
estate,  the  more  impatient  will  the  heir  apparent  be,  to  be 
put  into  quiet  possession  for  himself.  The  more  there  is 
depending  upon  the  death  of  a  parent,  the  more  eager  will 
children  be  to  have  him  out  of  the  way.  So  eager  have  some 
been,  that  they  have  been  obliged  to  use  violence,  in  order 
to  get  the  cumbersome  old  man  out  of  the  world.    Deliver 


OF   DEVILS.  281 

tliem  up  to  me,  Avaro,  for  they  are  all  the  children  of  madness. 
And  yet  Lunatic  is  deemed  a  foolish  devil,  and  a  son  of  idle- 


You  are  very  prone  to  ascribe  to  chance  or  accident,  and 
other  such  chimerical  gentry,  works,  the  honor  of  which  is 
due  only  to  myself.  Ay,  you  are  apt  to  conclude  that  there 
is  even  madness  in  religion.  Pride  and  covetousness  may 
prevail  ever  so ;  but  you  never  think  of  madness.  What 
less  than  madness  is  it  to  worship  a  wooden  Savior,  or  a  Je- 
sus Christ  of  man's  making  ]  To  adore  a  god  that  has  been 
baked  in  an  oven ;  or  to  pretend  to  eat  the  Deity  ]  I  could 
open  such  a  field  before  you,  as  would  make  you  wonder  at 
the  boundings  of  religious  madness. 

Go  with  me  to  the  chambers  of  the  sick,  and  see  the 
works  of  madness  there  performed.  That  lady  having  over- 
eaten herself  at  dinner,  finding  her  stomach  uneasy,  took  a 
glass  of  brandy  to  help  digestion,  after  that  another,  &c. 
until  she  is  now  very  ill  upon  it.  The  physician  is  sent  for, 
and,  after  feeling  her  pulse,  asks  her  a  pertinent  question  or 
two,  as,  Do  you  feel  an  uneasiness  at  your  stomach,  madam? 
Does  your  head  ache,  madam  1  Have  you  a  thirst  upon  you, 
madam  I  You  were  taken  ill  after  dinner,  were  you,  madam  "J 
He  prescribes  a  gentle  purgative  draught  or  two,  to  assist 
nature  to  throw  off  her  load,  after  having  thus  learned  the 
cause  of  her  disorder.  Now  there  is  an  instance  of  a  three- 
fold madness  for  you.  In  the  first  place,  although  the  food 
was  rich  and  delicious,  it  was  madness  to  eat  after  nature 
said  it  was  enough.  Secondly,  it  w^as  madness  to  pour  such 
a  quantity  of  strong  liquor  into  a  stomach  already  glutted. 
And,  thirdly,  it  was  madness  to  send  for  a  physician,  seeing 
she  would  be  well  enough  by  to-morrow  noon,  by  which 
time  nature,  unassisted,  might  have  struggled  fi-om  beneath 
its  burthen.  Shall  I  never  have  due  honor  paid  to  my  ope- 
rations ? 

This  other  woman  before  you,  is  indeed  in  a  dangerous 
fever ;  but  she  will  have  no  assistance.  It  is  only  a  deep 
cold  she  has  caught,  and  she  hopes  to  get  better  in  a  day  or 
two,  with  care  and  keeping  warm.  By  and  by,  when  the 
symptoms  of  death  are  actually  upon  her,  the  physician  must 
be  sent  for  in  all  haste.  And  when  the  fever  alone  is  more 
than  nature  can  sustain,  she  must  have  the  additional  tor- 
ment ( (  *wallowing  medicines,  even  without  a  possibility 
Y2 


282  DIALOGUES 

of  their  being  of  the  least  service.  Is  there  no  madness  in 
this  case  ]  Is  it  not  madness  to  trifle  with  a  disease  in  ita 
beginning,  the  only  time,  perhaps,  in  which  medicine  can 
afford  relief?  Is  it  not  equally  madness  to  torment  the  sick, 
and  throw  money  away  upon  the  doctor,  when  the  disease 
is  evidently  beyond  a  remedy!  And  yet  you  would  ex- 
clude me  from  having  any  share  in  the  government  of  man- 
kind. 

No,  Lunatio,  returned  I,  we  do  not  exclude  you.  We 
should  even  be  glad  to  have  a  full  account  of  your  opera- 
tions in  some  of  our  friendly  meetings. 

Lunatic.  I  could  give  you  such  an  account  as  w^ould 
surprise  you  all,  might  the  honors  due  to  my  operations  be 
properly  acknowledged.  But  I  cannot  stay  now,  having  ur- 
gent business  in  the  west  end  of  a  certain  metropolis. 

Pray,  cousin,  may  a  brother  fiend  be  acquainted  with  it  1 
said  I.  He  replied,  You  know,  that  almost  the  one  half  of 
the  nation  is  in  a  starving  condition,  and  are,  as  it  were,  on 
the  tip-toe  of  rebellion,  yet  are  in  a  very  great  strait  how  to 
act.  They  think  it  is  hard  to  famish  amidst  plenty ;  to  die 
of  hunger  whilst  the  barns  are  full  of  corn,  and  the  pastures 
are  well  peopled  with  cattle ;  whilst  their  governors  can  af- 
ford to  spend  thousands  at  a  horse  race,  or  in  an  evening's 
play.  On  the  other  hand,  they  think  it  hard  to  be  shot  at, 
by  those  who  are  murderers  by  profession ;  or  to  be  hung  at 
Tyburn  for  seeking  to  procure  bread  for  their  families. 

In  this  dilemma,  the  poor  wretches  are  raising  their 
voices  to  government,  beseeching  their  lawgivers  to  spare 
so  much  time  from  their  own  pleasure  and  amusement  as  to 
take  their  wretched  case  into  serious  consideration,  that 
tliey  may  not  die  by  artificial  famine.  What  I  aim  at  is,  to 
persuade  those  in  power  to  treat  their  complaints  with  neg- 
lect, and  themselves,  as  clamorous,  uneasy,  and  turbulent 
people.  Instead  of  redressing  their  grievances,  to  threaten 
them  with  the  strict  execution  of  the  laws  against  rioters. 
If  I  am  happy  enough  to  gain  this  point,  as  I  think  I  shall, 
we  shall  soon  see  the  spirit  of  madness  raving  all  over  the 
nation,  and  even  the  wise  wUl  become  fools. 

Oppression,  you  know,  will  make  even  a  wise  man  mad. 
Therefore,  when  their  oppressions  can  no  longer  be  borne, 
there  will  go  forth  a  spirit  of  insurrection  among  the  people ; 
and  that  shall  be  followed  by  a  spirit  of  murder,  until  all  the 


OF   DEVILS.  283 

riots  are  sufficiently  quelled,  and  the  leading  insurgents 
punished  by  death  or  transportation.  Then  will  follow  a 
spirit  of  emigration,  and  every  one,  almost,  will  wish  him- 
self to  have  been  transported  at  the  expense  of  government 
At  this  very  time,  there  are  not  less  than  five  hundred  thou- 
sand families,  who  are  kept  in  their  native  country,  by  no- 
thing but  the  want  of  means  to  get  cleverly  out  of  it.  Neigh- 
boring nations  will  give  all  possible  encouragement  to  the 
poor  to  settle  with  them ;  every  opportunity  will  be  taken 
to  cross  the  Atlantic,  until  the  nation  referji^d  to,  shall  be- 
come almost  if  not  quite  depopulated.  ^ 

Now,  the  madness  of  the  scheme  lies  here.  The  true 
riches  of  a  nation  are  its  inhabitants ;  and  the  grandeur  of 
the  great  depends  wholly  on  the  number  of  those  in  inferior 
stations.  In  proportion,  therefore,  to  the  oppressions  of 
the  poor,  will  the  nation  decrease  in  its  strength.  Every 
emigration  from  the  mother  country,  will  either  increase 
the  number  of  colonists,  or  strengthen  the  hands  of  natural 
enemies ;  of  course,  the  neglect  of  the  present  complaints, 
will  eventually  be  the  entire  ruin  of  the  great  men  them- 
selves, and  the  translation  of  the  empire  to  another,  and 
very  distant  seat.  Yet,  after  all,  perhaps  it  will  be  alleged, 
that  Lunatio  hath  no  influence.  But  I  shall  raise  myself 
an  immortal  name,  upon  my  own  foundation.  I  deign  no 
more  converse  with  a  grovelling  spirit.    Adieu. 

Infidelis.  This  same  Lunatio  is  a  spirit  active  enough, 
and  we  give  him  due  respect ;  but  he  is,  like  all  his  disci- 
ples, fixed  in  his  own  views,  and  there  is  no  giving  him 
proper  ideas  of  things.  I  should  be  glad,  Fastosus,  to  hear 
more  fully  what  you  were  saying  last  night  concerning  the 
Sadducees.    It  might  be  informing  to  these  younger  devils. 

Fastosus.  You  know,  sir,  they  were  a  sect  of  deists, 
among  the  Jews,  who,  like  the  modern  deists,  did  not  be^ 
lieve,  that  there  are  any  angels,  good  or  bad,  or  shall  be 
any  resurrection  from  the  dead.  I  did  not  only  persuade 
the  scribes,  pharisees,  and  doctors  of  the  law,  to  lay  aside 
judgment,  mercy,  and  the  love  of  God,  in  order  to  establish 
their  own  traditions ;  but  wrought  upon  the  Sadducees  to 
prefer  their  own  reasoning  to  the  plainest  declarations  of 
the  word  of  revelation.  I  assured  them,  that  the  well-m- 
formed  author  of  the  book  of  Job,  was  under  a  delusion, 
when  he  said,  by  the  Holy  Ghost,  "  I  know  that  my  Re- 


284  DIALOGUES 

deemer  liveth,  and  that  I  shall  stand  with  him  at  the  latter 
day  upon  the  earth ;  and  although  after  my  skin,  worms  de- 
stroy this  body,  yet  in  the  flesh  I  shall  see  God."  I  per- 
suaded them  also,  that  the  prophet  Isaiah  was  under  the 
like  mistake,  when  he  foretold,  that  death  shall  be  swallow- 
ed up  in  victory ;  as  also  Daniel,  who  asserted,  "  that  many, 
who  then  slept  in  the  dust,  shall  awake,  some  to  everlasting 
life,  and  some  to  everlastin;^  dishonor."  These,  together 
with  the  testimonies  of  all  the  prophets,  I  persuaded  them 
to  reject,  mer^  because  they  could  not  comprehend  them, 
nor  account  fw  it  how  the  dead  should  rise.  This,  you 
know,  is  the  very  reason  why  modern  deists  are  pleased, 
under  the  same  influence,  to  deny  the  whole  system  of  re- 
vealed truth. 

DiscoRDANS.  I  have  often  feasted  my  mind  on  the  pleas- 
ing prospect  of  that  amazement  end  surprise,  which  shall 
overtake  those  infidels,  when  the  avenues  of  immortality 
shall  open  before  them,  and  the  terrors  of  an  incarnate,  a 
despised  God  and  Savior^  shall  overwhelm  them  in  the 
floods  of  horrid  despair.  Their  pretended  virtue,  their  phi- 
losophic fortitude,  their  boasted  reason,  will  fail  them,  when 
they  see,  to  their  everlasting  confusion,  that  he  who  de- 
spiseth  the  Son,  despiseth  also  the  Father  who  sent  him. 

Fastosus.  The  deist  is  my  faithful,  deluded  disciple. 
Wherever  you  meet  with  a  man  of  deistical  principles,  you 
will  easily  discern  my  image  at  large  on  his  forehead,  and 
my  mark  on  his  right  hand.  Nothing  but  pride  can  induce 
a  man  to  prefer  his  own  reason  to  the  dictates  of  sacred 
revelation. 

Fastosus  here  stopped,  seemed  in  a  terrible  agitation,  and 
thus  addressed  his  brethren :  Let  us  flee,  my  friends !  Let 
us  flee!  For  yonder  comes  Michael,  the  archangel,  and 
with  him  a  numerous  train,  with  whom  we  are  not  able  to 
contend.  They  instantly  took  wing,  shot  through  the  yield- 
ing air,  and  I  saw  them  no  more.  Nor  am  I  certain  if  I 
shall  ever  have  an  opportunity  of  listening  to  their  friendly 
conferences  again :  but  if  I  should,  as  is  not  impossible, 
the  public  may  expect  to  hear  what  passes  among  them,  so 
far  as  may  come  to  the  knowledge  of  a  sincere  friend  of 
mankind. 

THE  LISTENER. 


\  ' 


DEC  12   1928